Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Add Reply
I cant see you Tonight Part 1
Topic Started: Feb 14 2008, 07:00 PM (182 Views)
DeadPan
Member Avatar
Over the top
[ *  *  * ]
I hate the coffee in this place, it tastes like shit, the pie is cold, and it all feels so American that it makes me sick, the waitress looks like a reject from a bestiality porno, and that’s not even talking about the woman in it, and I cant think straight, its so close, its so close that I can feel it, I cant wait much longer, if I had my way it would be done by now, it would be over, he would be out of action by now, but I have to do it by the book, in the ring, but I will get it done

Waitress: “More coffee stranger?”

It’s the dog again, I look her in the eye and I sort of half smile

“No, if I wanted to drink piss I would go to the toilet and take a fresh batch from my own supply”

She sort of recoils back in shock, and I stand, throw down a 10 dollar note and I walk out, I have to gather my thoughts, I walk towards my car, I climb in and I sit in here, Dan you don’t know how close you are, how you cant stop what’s going to happen, how that when I step into the ring, it will be the end, I cant stop myself, I wont stop myself, this is for me, I MUST end you.

I start my car,and I turn out, I need to find a hotel, as im driving down one of the streets, I turn to my left, and I see my father…

“Hello John”

I pull the brakes hard, and I look at him, how is he here?, what’s going on?

“John, im not real, im in your head, in your mind, well, what’s left of it”

I look at him again, he is wearing a white shirt and black trousers, I close my eyes, and when I reopen them, he is gone, I breathe heavy, then I drive again, I look in my back mirror, and he’s there again

“Whatever you are, get out of my head” I say[/I]

“You know I can’t do that John, im the part of you that’s filled with regret, you knew that this was coming, im here to show you that there is something human left in you”

I stare out the window, he will go away, its all in my head, it’s not real, get it together John…

“You have hurt a lot of people John, me, your brothers, Elaine, so many people who care for yo..”

I look back

“My father did not care for me, do not EVER say he did”

My “father” shrugs{/I]

“Believe what you want, but what im here today, is to try and talk you out about what you are thinking of doing, Daniel is just starting a family, he has a pregnant wife, he if beat him bloody at Revenge, imagine what that will do to her?, what will happen to the baby if the mother gets ill, that baby is innocent, a pure soul”

I look straight ahead, the money I need is in the bank, I need to get to it, and…

“Look at me Dan!!!”

I look to my left, and its Elaine this time, she is so beautiful, she smiles.

“Imagine how happy I could make you John, we could start out own family, you could be a Dad….”

I nearly stop the car when she says that, no, I can’t be, it will never…., then the anger hits me, like a brick, I slam on the breaks

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!”

I breathe heavily, whatever it was, it’s gone now, I smile and I drive on

~Later On~

Im finally at peace, Dan, if I could tell you to run I would, if I could tell you to get away right now, I would, but Dan, I will take you take you down, I don’t care about your unborn baby, I don’t care about you, I must win Dan, and nothing on this earth is going to stop me, I stand up from the bed, and I look out the window, the rain is poring down hard, perfect day to plan out what I must do to Dan..

Suddenly, there is a knock on the door, I ignore it, I turn to my suitcase, the knock comes again, this time stronger

“No room service I said”

The knocks comes again, this time I go to the door, I open it

“I said no ro..”

I stop, there standing in front of me is Elaine, and she is holding her big stomach{/I]

“Hey”

Shit…

*Fade to Black?*

OOC: Just a short one to get me through to Revenge, i like how this went, and it gives me something to work for nowi n the future with Night, Rate/Hate, For some reason can color the talking parts like i normally do :acro: So follow it the best you can, and sorry.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Centurion
Advanced Member
[ *  *  * ]
Looks decent to me. The descriptions are good, the message is there, and I like the twist ending. The formatting could do with work, but that's acceptable with these boards, like you said you can't do the colours etc.

The only real problem I have is with some of the dialogue. I think you could have done a bit more with it. For example, "John, im not real, im in your head, in your mind, well, what’s left of it" - I think that could have done with being two sentences, maybe even separating the last bit with some descriptive text. Just to make more of the concept that he knows, really, that he's not right. Just minor things like that I feel could be changed to give the whole thing a bit more impact.

Anyway, it's decent stuff, certainly shows your mindset coming into the ppv, and sets you up for things to work off afterwards (a smart move, as usually you won't have an obvious fued set up till a little while after the ppv)
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Harmony
Member Avatar
Gogz once fucked a ginger
[ *  *  * ]
Very interesting piece of work honey, I liked it.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
« Previous Topic · BQWA Archives · Next Topic »
Add Reply