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My Fifteen Minutes; Simon Swinger 4/19/2009
Topic Started: May 22 2010, 12:53 AM (458 Views)
Phenetic
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Killed BQ
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[Simon jovially walks around the BQWA headquarter building, ready for a promo. Celebrating the quality weather, he's wearing a blue button-down shirt over bright baby blue gym shorts, and white Converse in quite the interesting ensemble. He sees the camera man and greets him with a simple wave as he gets closer to the frame.]

Sup nig, how's shit?

AKAKAKWKAGAHANDKK

Epic, nig. That sounds pretty badass.

Yeah, I got called down to do a promo for the Fall Brawl thing. I was chilling at the hotel pool and bar, and that was generally a pretty solid time.

It's cool though, I'm in a great mood. I might as well be on a vacation.


[Simon walks down the hallway, passing along various BQWA posters on the wall of famous moments in BQWA history and famous legends. He grabs a hair tie out of his pocket and punches his hair up behind him as he scratches at his stubble, seemingly have just woken up.]

WWFFSKFSFWWRORWRRMAWAKE?

I told you man, I've been hanging out at the hotel pool for a while. I met this nice girl on vacation visiting her aunt and uncle, and I met this nice older couple who kept buying drinks for everyone. I don't have time to go to my fucking hotel room and sleep or any of that unnecessary bullshit.

Why even shave, man? I'm going off to the fucking war. What I should be doing is wearing battle paint right now, dude.

Turn off the camera.


[Click.]

That's better, take a goddamned look at me now.

[The camera flashes back on after a while, and yes, Simon is now wearing face paint. Ultimate Warrior style with pink and black and white paint, and he repeatedly does military presses into the air for no real reason.]

Like Silas said, the ones I fight for only breath the air that smells of combat.

And I fucking smell the air of combat right now, and to be honest, it smells great. Kind of like fried chicken and apple pie, a quintessential American meal, just like war is the quintessential American game.


ADHWRFSFJSFKSOWDDJWAR GAMES?

I'm fucking psyched for War Games is what I am. Look at the team Halo assembled. Firstly, I don't want to suck his dick or anything, because God knows what kind of myriad of STDs I could get, but the man's very very successful. He's a former World Champion, aligned with the top two guys in the company, and one of the only legends in this sport who isn't just coasting by on his fucking legacy and not doing shit.

S'up DXKid? I'll get to you later.

Even last week, you saw him completely dismantle Colossus, the supposed "ace" of the BQWA.

Then we've got Silas Stevens, and holy shit.

You saw last week. He legitimately killed a man. WHO BETTER than him to be on a team in a match like this?

He fucking killed a man.


DGHDGJDGJDGWAKAWKANYON?

Kanyon is a goddamn faggot, and like Silas would say, "Queering don't make the world work."

Jonathon Night. I'm going to be honest, I don't know shit about your character or your work or anything about you. Halo chose you for some kind of reason, and I'm not going to fault his logic. Hell, he chose me. That alone proves his mind is working the right way.


WAKAWaKaKAFAGGOTRYSJSFKJFJFFEEJEPHENETIC?

[Simon looks to the side and audibly sighs.]

Well, I, uh...

Listen, you saw the group workout at the gym, right?


SSNSKSKJSFWYESIDID

Yeah, he came in drunk as a skunk and high out of his fucking mind. He's in no condition to partake in any kind of strategery meetings, and he doesn't even know who Hard Work Bobby Walker is.

...

I know, dude. The fucking ignorance.

Anyways, the best we can hope for is that he gets coked out of his mind going into the match and goes apeshit on everyone on the other team. I heard he's got some kind of grudge against Colossus, so I'm assuming that's where he's going to focus his drug addled mind in this one. We all work as a team, there's no weak link and we don't lose anything.


DGFNSLADSMDALWJSMFFSNFFSSKFRAPERAPERAPEFSJSFFJTEAM COLOSSUS?

First of all, I'm probably an oddity on my team in that I don't have anything against Colossus. Generally an alright guy.

Possibly a homosexual.

I've got nothing against social deviance though. Quite frankly, I've got no issues with Colossus. From what I've seen, he tends to let emotions cloud his judgment, which is a telltale sign of an inferior intellect.

A Plus is another person who I have absolutely no issue with. I'm not entirely down with the streets like he is. My parents actually made good decisions in life, so I was born and raised in the suburbs.

While I have no beefsteak with these two, I'm a businessman. I was hired because of my skills, and the idea is to help take you two the fuck out. I'll look you in the eyes and say I respect your abilities, but I'm still going to kick you in the back of the head if need be.

War is game on Sunday, and I'm one competitive son of a bitch.

Who else is on the team besides the "legend"?


ARGLEBARGLEWWSKS MAXIE MIFFLIN, JACK SILvER ABJAJHWOR

Right.

This proves the poor decision making on the part of whoever is the captain. This is a big match. Shit is on the line, for sure. Why in the world would you ever pick someone for your team who hasn't won a match in ages. He's on a losing streak, for fuck's sake. He could cost you big time, I just don't get it.

War is a game, and this motherfucker is in his situation because he sucks at playing games.

Maxie Mifflin seems like a nice enough guy. I'm fond of his family's paper company, but as far as War Games is concerned for him, he should consider us like the Michael Scott Paper Company, because we're taking this shit over.

You're a kid swimming in shark infested waters. Steer clear, Big Turkey.

Head for open waters.


[Simon takes a deep breath and looks up, before back down at the camera now. No longer looking like the jovial young lad we all adore.]

DXKid.

What are you doing?

Why are you here? What do you honestly have to prove?

Everybody loves you, God knows why. A fucking thug in some flossy suits and aviator sunglasses doing flashy shit and "BRINGING DA HOTNESS".


[Simon looks around, and raises his hands up in confusion]

I'll be honest here, I don't get it.

Big Evil, and by the way, I know that is now. He brought something to the table in his time. Halo still brings stuff to the table. Whacko is batshit insane and brings that to the table.

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU A LEGEND?

I don't get it, and I don't get you.

I hope all the bad things in life happen to you, and only you.

You deserve no praise and no respect for repeatedly prostituting what little legacy you have left, let alone ever had. What you're doing now is something you're clearly very familiar with, and that is stealing.

You're stealing my time. My television time, and my attention. I understand that you've taken offense to me eliminating you from the Rumble, or whatever, but there's a reason that happened.

Your time is over.

I'm not going to make a rap song about it, but in short: Your time is up, my time is now. Where you belong is a highschool gym, managing your son teaming with David Flair against the Nasty Boys. Where you belong is arriving in an RV and punching out fans, before going back home and playing the BQWA video game on the original PlayStation. What you should be doing is signing autographs at indy shows, sneezing and saying, "Goddamnit nig, there goes $500."


SFHSFFHWHRWDXKID IN WARGAMES? WFJWFHWFODNRAPEX

Yes, I'm going to murder him in there. I don't want to go into specifics, but he shouldn't step into that cage with me if he's not prepared. People in the BQWA don't know quite what Simon Swinger is capable of, but they will once that match is over.

WHADDYAMENWFBNSJHFSFEWHNKGDNGNFWWAKAJWHJA

Look, I've got an advantage over everyone else here. Two, actually.

Firstly, nobody knows me. I haven't wrestled a match over four minutes since I've been in the BQWA. You can't prepare for the unknown, and that's what I am in there. Everybody knows Halo. They know Colossus, Plus, DXKid, Phenetic, and Night. Silas and Maxie and Silver have had a lot of matches so far. I've given you all glimpses, but War Games? This is what really fucking matters.

Secondly, I'm an endurance athlete if nothing else.

I'm not the tallest wrestler in the match. I'm not the strongest or the fastest. I might not be the most devious or the one who gets the fan support to keep going. Quite frankly, that's all white noise to me. I'm not the most experienced either.

The thing is that as this thing goes on, people are going to be brutalized. I'm working under the assumption that I'm going to get beaten around and thrown into the cage, and I know I can take it. People are going to get bloody and people are going to get tired. As the match goes longer and longer and the clock ticks, I'm the only one getting stronger. You all grow tired, my hits seem harder. You get bloody, I move quicker.

War is a game on Sunday, and I'm a big game player.

I'm getting Park Place, I'm connecting four, and you can sure as hell bet that I'm going to sink your fucking collective battleship.


[Simon emphatically pulls off his hair tie, shaking his hair out. He mimes furiously jacking off before thrusting his hand forward and throwing the hair tie up in the air, and slapping it away.

He walks off down the hallway again now. He slaps a stagehand on the shoulder, and walks out the door. He pumps his fist up in the air, and the camera stops in place and "More Than A Feeling" begins to play for no real reason. Contractual obligations ftmfw.]
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