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My Balancing Act; Simon Swinger 4/23/2009
Topic Started: May 22 2010, 12:56 AM (507 Views)
Phenetic
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Killed BQ
[ *  *  * ]
[NOTE: This video was delivered to the BQWA offices in a envelope marked "GET TO THE FUCKING PUBLIC". We would not put this on the air, due to some rather...uh, yeah, you'll see. We aired this because it came with a stack of cash, a coupon to Quizno's, and a picture of Richard Nixon signed by Simon Swinger, as well as a key to Andy Chills' apartment]

Also found attatched to the actual tape was a note reading as such:


Dear BQWA Tech Negros,

This is a double response to Maxie being a small infant and Colossus' double homoerotic music video. I feel like writing only one sentence in a letter is a waste, so this is a second sentence.

Yours in Christ - <3,
Simon Swinger


[Music hits, motherfucker. Fade the fuck in.]

Music Here, Bitches

Don't...DON'T
Don't...DON'T
Don't...DONT

(Now here's what I want y'all to do for me)


It's a goddamned yacht, and the camera zooms along the side. It's a perfect day outside, and we zoom around exploring the beautiful features. The sun is shining, the skies and waters are clear, and there appear to be no sharks. The name of the boat is revealed to be "SS Vader Time".

Back
Caught you lookin' for the same thing
It's a new thing - check out this I bring
Uh Oh the roll below the level
'Cause I'm livin' low next to the bass, C'mon
Turn up the radio


We take a scenic route around the massive yacht, seeing a picture of Vader delivering a massive Chokeslam to Dane Cook as well as some of The Max, Steve Blackman, Admiral Ackbar, and Seaking having been painted on the side, clearly one of those things that Simon Swinger shelled out big time cash for on his very mysterious eighteen months off from professional wrestling. Halo is sitting on the deck in a lawn chair, getting a nice solid tan, and Johnathon Night is reading a newspaper on another lawn chair near by. Silas Stevens calmly looks around the deck and to the waters, sniffing potential prey amongst the complete serenity.

They claim that I'm a criminal
By now I wonder how
Some people never know
The enemy could be their friend, guardian
I'm not a hooligan
I rock the party and
Clear all the madness, I'm not a racist
Preach to teach to all
'Cause some they never had this


Andy Chills, for some reason here on Simon Swinger's yacht, is seen on the other side of the deck in his mask and swim trunks. He sits on the edge of the boat, fishing for something, while he reads the fine graphic novel, "The Killing Joke" by Alan Moore. Simon Swinger walks out a door in the main building on the deck. Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, opened up to show off his upper body, which is more impressive than he thinks (a stamina player more than being about the appearance, fo' sho), over normal white swimming shorts.

The 5th man on the team, Phenetic is seemingly nowhere to be found, until he is seen in the control room on the yacht. Desperately reading a manual, he frantically looks all around, despite the boat not really moving.


Number one, not born to run
About the gun...
I wasn't licensed to have one
The minute they see me, fear me
I'm the epitome - a public enemy
Used, abused without clues
I refused to blow a fuse
They even had it on the news


A diving board is revealed, and Silas Stevens immediately sprints over, knocking young Johnathon Night out of the way and to the deck floor. He continues running, not at all concerned about the safety of others. He runs onto the diving board and without hesitation or even bouncing first as many divers do, immediately jumps off, diving into the waters below. Night slowly gets up, and Halo sits up, looking around. He stands up from the lawn chair, and walks over to the edge. Night joins him, and Halo waves Swinger over.

He calmly walks over to the edge, and they all look down for Silas. Halo looks up to Phen in the control room, and loudly yells,


Halo: YO DAWG! Don't run over Silas, nigga! Stay still, son.

DON'T - DON'T - DON'T - DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE!

Simon calmly throws a ladder off the edge, and hangs it so it stays over the edge, for when Silas eventually comes back.

Yes
Was the start of my last jam
So here it is again, another def jam
But since I gave you all a little something
That we knew you lacked
They still consider me a new jack
All the critics you can hang'em
I'll hold the rope
But they hope to the pope
And pray it ain't dope
The follower of Farrakhan
Don't tell me that you understand
Until you hear the man


Andy and T-Bailie are seen on the other side of the massive deck, playing a very competitive game of Ping-Pong.

Still no sign of Silas, and Phen is seen clearly doing lines on the table in the control room. Simon and Halo are engaging in a wheelchair balance competition on the deck, struggling to maintain balance, with Night down on all fours, looking to see who drops first. Simon's wheelchair begins to stumble back near the edge, and as the wheels hit the edge, Simon takes a spill into the ocean! Halo jumps up in celebration and jogs around the deck of the SS Vader Time.


Halo: YEAH SON! I'M THE FUCKING WINNER HERE, NIGGA!

The book of the new school rap game
Writers treat me like Coltrane, insane
Yes to them, but to me I'm a different kind
We're brothers of the same mind, unblind
Caught in the middle and
Not surrenderin'
I don't rhyme for the sake of of riddlin'
Some claim that I'm a smuggler
Some say I never heard of 'ya
A rap burgler, false media
We don't need it do we?
It's fake that's what it be to 'ya, dig me?


Simon comes up the ladder now, all wet from the water, and swinging his long hair around, spraying water on everyone.

Phenetic is now passed out inside the control room, luckily the anchor has been thrown this entire time, and Phen was actually doing nothing.

Simon, Andy, T. Bailie, and Night are seen playing Monoply, and T. Bailie subtly steals a $500 from Andy and slides it over to Simon. Meanwhile, Halo is in the control room, and sees the chaos that Phen has left.


Halo: GODDAMNIT FUCKING CRACKHEADS!

DON'T - DON'T - DON'T - DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE

Andy flips the Monopoly board up in the air, letting out a primal retard scream, as he tackles T. Bailie to the floor.

Don't believe the hype - its a sequel
As an equal, can I get this through to you
My 98's boomin' with a trunk of funk
All the jealous punks can't stop the dunk
Comin' from the school of hard knocks
Some perpetrate, they drink Clorox
Attack the black, cause I know they lack exact
The cold facts, and still they try to Xerox


Halo helps Phenetic out of the control room now, and they climb down the stairs to everyone else. Night and Simon clean up the Monopoly pieces, and Andy and T. Bailie hug it the fuck out. Andy pulls out a deck of cards.

Andy: Let's play 21.

Phenetic: You wanna play 21?

Andy: Ye-

Phenetic: WELL I'VE GOT 22!

Simon: You wanna play blackjack?

Phenetic: I've got two of those too.

Leader of the new school, uncool
Never played the fool, just made the rules
Remember there's a need to get alarmed
Again I said I was a timebomb
In the daytime the radio's scared of me
'Cause I'm mad, plus I'm the enemy
They can't c'mon and play with me in primetime
'Cause I know the time, plus I'm gettin' mine


Simon randomly hits a corkscrew dive off the diving board, and everyone else comes up with dives of their own. Even T. Bailie dives off, but the camera does not show him getting the water for some odd reason.

They all climb up from the water in order, all wet, and everyone gives high fives, as they seem to be gelling as a team. Andy Chills is also there, for some reason.

Phen offers everyone some weed and beer, and Simon calmly nods his head, and everyone else begins to start drinking.


Phenetic: We're in international waters, right man?

Simon looks at him and nods his head, before turning and looking to Andy with a look of "what the fuuuuuuuuuuuck?" written on his face, and he simply shrugs.

T. Bailie is shown smoking pot, which is the greatest fucking thing ev-

No, wait. T. Bailie just did some lines.


I get on the mix late in the night
They know I'm livin' right, so here go the mike, sike
Before I let it go, don't rush my show
You try to reach and grab and get elbowed
Word to herb, yo if you can't swing this
Just a little bit of the taste of the bass for you


Simon appears to be on speakerphone as a cell phone sits on a table that everyone is sitting around, and the caller ID shows "Colossus" as the other person. Halo hands Simon a quarter.

Simon: No, I liked it but I disagree completely. We're filming one now. You should know that Rush sucks besides "Tom Sawyer", no matter how much "I Love You, Man" glorified them.

Colossus: Goddamnit, no. We're finishing this conversation later, Simon. Let's do that coin flip thing.

Halo: About goddamned time, son. What side you fucking bet on, bitch?

Colossus' voice notably gets stiffer and more focused at hearing Halo's voice.

Colossus: Tails. You should know that it doesn't matter, since I'm going to fucking end you regardless, Halo.

Halo: Flip the fucking coin, Simon.

Simon flips the coin up into the air, and it lands on...

TAILS!

*silence*








Halo: Landed on heads, nigga.

Simon: Yeah, that's some godawful fucking luck there, man.

Halo quickly flicked the phone shut, eventually ending the conversation, and everyone gave high fives.

As you get up and dance at the LQ
When some deny it, defy if I swing bolos
Then they clear the lane I go solo
The meaning of all of that
Some media is the whack
You believe it's true, it blows me through the roof
Suckers, liars get me a shovel
Some writers I know are damn devils


Everyone begins to dance now, and randomly people are on the inside of the yacht. Phenetic, Night, and Andy Chills are watching "Boy Meets World" and completely cracking up, and there are about five open boxes of Lucky Charms all over the room. Halo is randomly laughing in the corner with Bea Arther, legit, and Simon walks in , carrying several boxes of Panda Express.

Everyone continues to eat, and Phen randomly pulls out a lighter and lights it. He slowly swings it in front of him, his eyes following it along the way, before Simon blows out the flame.


Andy: Don't burn down his goddamned yacht, Simon's dog lives here. Go smoke meth on your own time, this is uh...this is

Halo: This is team building, dawg.

Andy: Yeah man, this is team-building day. So stop being a shitty teammate and fucking...

Andy pauses to look around the room.

Halo: You're not even on the fucking team. Why the fuck is he here?

Simon: Andy will be staying here until his beet farm is done being renovated.

For them I say don't believe the hype
Yo Chuck, they must be on a pipe, right?
Their pens and pads I'll snatch
'Cause I've had it
I'm not an addict fiendin' for static
I'll see their tape recoreder and grab it
No, you can't have it back silly rabbit
I'm going' to my media assassin
Harry Allen, I gotta ask him
Yo Harry, you're a writer, are we that type?


Everyone is back out on the deck now, and it is now late in the evening, the sky a calm and relaxing greyish blue, but still light enough to see shit. Phenetic begins to tie off his arm and grabs a needle, and Simon looks mortified sitting across from him.

Andy is sitting in a lawnchair, using his laptop and Halo and Johnathon Night have began an Indian leg wrestling competition for some reason.


Don't believe the hype

Phenetic: You wanna play...you wanna play ace and eights, I've got too many of those too.

The camera cuts to Phenetic lying passed out on one of the lawn chairs, with "BALLS" written across his forehead.

got flavor and all those things you know
Yeah boy, part two bum rush and show
Yo Griff, get the green black red and
Gold down countdown to Armageddon
-88 you wait the S1Ws will
Rock the hard jams - treat it like a seminar
Teach the bourgeoise, and rock the boulevard
Some say I'm negative
But they're not positive
But what I got to give...
The media says this


Simon shotguns several Vanilla Cokes in a row with some of it spilling down his chin onto his chest, where as we now see Andy chugging a shitton of malt liquor that we assume Halo brought on board.

Andy stumbles around completely drunk now, and stumbles over to Phen's passed out body. The camera comes zoomed into Simon's face, which is laughing hysterically now, and the sounds of a zipper going down, and both Simon and Halo are seen laughing hysterically.

Phenetic furiously stands up now and randomly punches Andy Chills in the face, leading to another fist-fight between Andy Chills and someone here.


Andy: I WILL FIGHT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!

DON'T

Andy now tries to punch Halo, but he gets fucking rocked by a Halo punch to the face, and he goes down.

Halo: Fucking house nigger.

Andy is now knocked out on the floor, and he has a bunch of penises drawn on his cheeks and chest. Phen offers Simon another joint which he turns down.

DON'T

Simon Swinger is leaning on the railing on the edge of the yacht, and Big Evil is randomly there.

Simon: Yeah, well...she's engaged.

Big Evil: BFD. Engaged ain't married.

Big Evil looks Simon right in the eyes.

Big Evil: Never, ever, ever give up.

DON'T

Halo and Night are randomly playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors", and Night's rock defeats Halo's paper.

Simon randomly does a somersault into their view, and they now discuss strategery, and Phen is passed out again.


DON'T

Halo: Okay nig, you be in first, so just survive that shit until whoever comes in 2nd. You got that stamina and shit, so you should be just fine, dawg.

Simon: You want me in second?

Halo: Naw, that's why I picked big Silas. His power gonna fucking wreck shit if anything goes wrong in that five minutes.

Simon, Halo, Night, and T. Bailie all look around, realizing the same thing.

Simon: I, uh...

Halo: Yeah, dawg. Where the fuck is Silas?




A GODDAMNED DOLPHIN FLIES OVER THE EDGE OF THE BOAT ONTO THE DECK!!!!!

It's clearly dead, and from the ladder set up earlier, emerges Silas Stevens, with a completely batshit insane look on his face. Dolphin blood on his chest, he stalks around the deck at each of his teammates, breathing heavily, before looking Simon in the eyes.


Silas: Brother Simon, I require a cutting utensil for our feast.

Simon points to the building, and Silas talks off. He raises both hands up and releases a loud primal scream, releasing the joy of the hunt into verbiage.

DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE!

Simon, Night, and Halo all look in shock, the other two having been completely sobered up by the fact that Silas Stevens just murdered a fucking dolphin.

[blackness again, before bright words pop up on the screen.]


Simon Swinger
Your 2009 War Games Winner
For America.

Edited by Big Tuna, Mar 3 2015, 10:02 PM.
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