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Simon Watches TNA - 2007; I WILL BECOME IMMORTAL
Topic Started: Jul 17 2012, 10:55 PM (5,292 Views)
Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Abyss, Since 11/19/2006
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Christopher Daniels, Since 11/16/2006

TNA Impact
January 4th, 2007
Orlando, FL


In the back, Samoa Joe storms into Cornette's office and he demands a match with Angle. Cornette says he wants Joe to leave the building so he doesn't hurt anyone. Joe says Kurt started something, AND HE'S GONNA FINISH IT. Took this literally 60 seconds into the first episode before I regretted starting this again. I WILL PERSEVERE.

Tenay announces Abyss/Sting/Christian at the PPV for the title in an elimination match.

TONIGHT: HOMICIDE VS. BROTHER RUNT IN A STREET FIGHT! CHRISTIAN VS. ANGLE! HUGE UNANNOUNCED FIRST TIME EVER MAIN EVENT!

Match #1: Rhino vs. Robert Roode w/ Ms. Brooks
Roode sends Traci to the back. This gets some 3 minutes, which is probably an accomplishment for 2007 TNA. We'll see. Ms. Brooks comes out with less clothing on than before. Rhino is briefly distracted before remembering he's a heterosexual, and he ducks Roode's cheap shot and schoolboys him to win.
*3/4

Roode yells at her, and then AJ Styles runs out to attack Rhino. They double team Rhino and AJ hits the Styles Clash.

In the back, Eric Young wants to talk to JB. He says his friend has a girl problem and JB asks if his "friend" is a virgin, and Eric says no, his friend is from Kansas. Ms. Brooks comes over and says if he doesn't do what she wants by next week, he'll be fired. Her hair is now completely different from how it was out in the ring only a minute ago.

In the back, Borash talks to Samoa Joe. He yells that KURT ANGLE MADE THIS PERSONAL. JOE WILL NOW SPEAK ONLY IN CLICHES.

Awful VKM segment again. The crowd is all sitting down and clearly not chanting anything, but a "DX SUCKS" chant is obviously piped in. These fuckers cheered their asses off for LANCE HOYT for a while, they'll cheer or at least react to pretty much anything. This is so bad the Impact Zone won't even respond. Also, how bush league is TNA making themselves look with no response at all happening here? Obviously you can't get actual WWE guys, but get some recently fired dudes or something. The way it is, it just looks like TNA is so low on WWE's radar that they don't give a shit. Although Russo does love his reality based angles.

The PCS "Musical Chairs" Challenge: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=016pGfgdI6o

In a pretape, JB talks to Gail Kim. A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS. James Storm comes on drinking and says he wants to hear her talk behind his back. She yells at him for it, and Storm says TNA doesn't have a women's division and then pulls Borash's chair out of the shot. He says he brought her in to help them, and Chris ain't coming back, so he wants a decision.

Match #2: Homicide w/ LAX vs. Brother Runt [Mexican Street Fight]
I assume this is Best of Three Falls or something. No idea what else would be Mexican about it. Runt is very angry, and this is a fun brawl for 3 or so minutes. They have to work a distraction spot so Hernandez can hit the Border Toss into a ladder, in a fucking No DQ match.
**

Team 3D runs out to save.

A video airs on Daniels/Sabin/Lynn, which is apparently the X Title match for Final Resolution.

In front of a prison, Father James Mitchell yells at Abyss not to cross him, or he would reveal his secret.

Before the main event, Cornette bans Tomko from ringside at Final Resolution. BOOOOOOOO. BRING BACK LARRY ZBYSZKO. Kurt comes out, but Samoa Joe attacks him, and they have an average brawl through the crowd and the parking lot and into the back and what not. They inevitably got pulled apart when they go back to the ring , and Cornette responds to them having a gigantic violent brawl by booking a 30 minute Iron Man Match. HOW? HOW IN THE FUCK? JESUS CHRIST GOD DAMNIT SON OF A BITCH. Christian and Tomko then attack Angle, until Sting runs out to save. He and Angle the n celebrate. BUT KURT ANGLE IS A HEEL, I THINK,. 3'4WPOHRPQ4EW9.JRU034
FUCJI0OI29Y3-]H0O]IE

NO
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Abyss, Since 11/19/2006
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Christopher Daniels, Since 11/16/2006


TNA Impact
January 11th, 2007
Orlando, FL


Before the credits, Cornette tells Angle that he wants him at ringside when he asks for him later on. Angle refuses and Cornette says he says who gets the next NWA Title shot, so he might think differently. Angle says it better be worth his while and leaves. Cornette laughs and says it'll be worth his while.

There is a one man steel cage down at ringside.

Match #1: Kurt Angle vs. Maverick Matt w/ Serotonin
At least Russo is finally using Bentley as he should be used, as a jobber. Angle wins with the Ankle Lock in under a minute.
3/4*

A hype video airs for Angle/Joe.

Coming back, Raven beats Matt with a kendo stick. Don West scores huge by yelling "THAT'S SO BRUTAL! THAT'S SO RAVEN!"

In an undisclosed location, Team 3D have a tank and they say LAX are a disgrace and they declare war.

In the back, Samoa Joe says he doesn't care about Kurt's deal with Cornette, because as soon as he comes back out there, he's going to get on him again and he's going to cripple him.

Match #2: AJ Styles/Chris Sabin/James Storm w/ Gail Kim vs. Rhino/Christopher Daniels/Petey Williams
This got 5-6 minutes, and was great. AJ finally gets to actually be a heel, and despite him being better off as a babyface, he's still an amazing heel. He and Storm carry the match with awesome control segment stuff and bumping and selling. Sabin is a solid heel too, but he's not on the level of the two best heels in the company. AJ fakes a knee injury, and Daniels falls for it, despite Rhino's warning, and AJ cradles him to win.
**1/2

In the back, Father James Mitchell says he will reveal Abyss' secret if Abyss doesn't show his loyalty, because he has no idea where Abyss is.

PCS CHALLENGE - POKER: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPOViWZJUws This sets up Shelley vs. Starr in the finals.

In a pretape, Borash has a sit down interview with Chris Harris. DRAMATIC BACKGROUND MUSIC. Harris says he has a risk of losing his vision, and he doesn't know if he'll ever return to the ring. He says he doesn't know why this had to happen, and they could have just gone their separate ways. He says they'll never be able to look back at their history, six tag titles, five years together, without hating each other, and that sucks.

In the arena, Team 3D is in the ring and LAX has gathered by Konnan on the floor. Bubba says they got Konnan and says the sides are even now. Normally, I'd hate this. You're missing like half of an angle for no real reason. But it's Team 3D, I approve of cutting as much of their stuff as possible.

Bullshit VKM segment.

Jim Cornette comes out before the main event of Abyss vs. Tomko. He makes Christian get in the cage, and tells Kurt Angle to come out and guard the keys to the cage. Well shit, why not just take them to the back or something? This is a really obvious set up. God damnit.

Match #3: Tomko vs. Abyss w/ Father James Mitchell [Christian in a Cage]
Mitchell comes from the heel tunnel with the belt and Abyss comes from the face tunnel. This wasn't great, but Tomko looked pretty great at trying to carry Abyss. Samoa Joe comes out to brawl with Angle, who then drops the keys. Christian picks them up and gets free, and attacks Abyss for the DQ.
*3/4

Sting comes out to save, and he and Abyss run them off. Abyss then hits Sting with the Black Hole Slam, and leaves with Mitchell.

Edited by Big Tuna, Jul 18 2012, 01:31 PM.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Abyss, Since 11/19/2006
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Christopher Daniels, Since 11/16/2006


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TNA Final Resolution 2007
January 14th, 2007
Orlando, FL

Match #1: AJ Styles vs. Rhino [Last Man Standing Match]

This is actually just a Texas Death Match, but whatever. AJ again gets the best out of Rhino, and it being a gimmick match helps Rhino not be useless. AJ took huge bumps and had some awesome cheating. The pins mostly made sense, and this is probably as great as they're capable of. AJ gets up from TWO Gores, which is impressive. Rhino sets a table up as AJ is getting up from the second, but he sees the table, AND AJ LIES BACK DOWN AT 9 TO TAKE THE LOSS TO AVOID THE TABLE! I don't know if I love or hate that.
***

They keep brawling and Rhino hits a Piledriver on the stage. He puts the table up against the wall of the stage and tries to Gore AJ through it, but AJ moves. Rhino goes through and AJ bails to the back.

In the back, Leticia interviews Jerry Lynn, who gets mad when she says he's old. He yells that he's only 43 and can still go.

Hype video for the three way.

Match #2: Christopher Daniels [c] vs. Chris Sabin vs. Jerry Lynn [TNA X Division Championship]
Daniels and Sabin had some great stuff together. Lynn then got in occasionally and would habitually ruin a nice singles match with them by running his tired bullshit and making them do contrived three way spots. Lynn hits Daniels with the Cradle Piledriver, and Sabin then rolls him up to finally regain the title.
**1/2

In the back, Nash introduces one of his judges, BOB BACKLUND! They shake hands and Nash talks about traveling the roads with him, and Bob asks which roads specifically. Eric Young stumbles by and shakes Mr. Backlund's hand and says he voted for him in 95.

Kevin Nash comes out and the judges are introduced as Bob Backlund, Samolion Joe, and Fat Naked Oily Guy.

Match #3: Alex Shelley vs. Austin Starr [PCS Finals]
Good 10 minutes. Fun matwork and then they ran through a lot of spots. All crisp and shit, and I guess on the lowered scale for TNA 2007, this is great. It goes to the 10:00 draw. Joe votes for Starr and FNOG votes Shelley. Backlund takes his time and says it's a draw, so Nash orders a restart and Shelley immediately gets a schoolboy to win! YEAH!
***

Dutt, Lethal, and Senshi come out to celebrate as Nash gives Shelley a bowling trophy, and Starr is mad. He says this is ridiculous and he has no respect for anyone here, except Senshi. He says they should form an alliance but Senshi refuses, so Starr slaps him. They are now randomly brawling and Bob Backlund pulls Starr off. Starr shoves him, SO BACKLUND PUTS STARR IN THE CROSSFACE CHICKENWING! YEAH!

A fucking hype video for Storm/Petey.

Tenay hypes up something called a 30 man Iron Minute match.

Match #4: James Storm w/ Gail Kim vs. Petey Williams
At least it's only 6 minutes. Petey is still the worst guy on the roster, which is a big accomplishment in TNA. That's like being the best wrestler in WWF 2000 or ROH 2005 or something. Storm is awesome though. Great bumping, leans into Petey's stuff. Petey counters this by breaking out a ton of new contrived and horrible offense to even it out. Gail tries to stop James from cheating, but he wins with a roll up in the ropes anyways.
**

Storm handcuffs Petey to the ropes and goes for the beer bottle. Gail Kim takes it to stop him, but Jacqueline makes her debut to attack Gail Kim, and they hit her with the Death Sentence.

3LK comes out to do their horrible segment. Christy Hemme comes out to complain about women getting no respect and Kip says they are only good for sucking dick and she slaps him. And we move from a horrible feud that at least results in no matches to a horrible feud that will result in even worse matches.

Hype video for the Tag Title match.

In the back, Sting is looking for Abyss.

Match #5: LAX [c] vs. Team 3D [NWA World Tag Team Championship]
LAX tries their best, but Team 3D looked the worst they ever have here. Team 3D sucks on offense obviously, but they are now completely refusing to even sell. Really sloppy at points too, and yeah. Team 3D has it maybe won, and then Brother Runt comes out in a Santa costume, drunk, and he attacks Homicide to cause a DQ.
**

They throw Brother Runt out and LAX escapes with the belts.

Hype video for Angle/Joe.

Match #6: Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle [30 Minute Iron Man Match]
This really had the potential to be one of the hugest train wrecks ever, but it was merely a bad match. So in a way, this is disappointingly good. It's structurally flawed in the way all big TNA Kurt Angle matches are, where he's an immobile cripple who is in denial of said fact, so he forces everyone to work one of his WWE style big epic matches, no matter who they are or where the match is happening. He also gets booked as totally dominant in all his TNA matches for the most part, despite being this undersized immobile wreck of a man. You can buy that to some extent if he was using his brains. I hate Shawn Michaels, but a lot of times when he has flurries in his post-comeback run, it's because he's using his brains. But Kurt is straight up physically dominating Samoa Joe for like 75% of this match, and it's clearly fucking bullshit. So it comes off as this very very strange version of Cena vs. Khali or Khali vs. Triple H or Sid vs. Shawn where the immobile wreck of a man is dominating, except the bigger guy is the super worker. If that makes sense. Joe's selling is great and at a certain point, this goes from being Joe vs. Angle to Samoa Joe vs. TNA as a whole, trying to make something great out of having to work 30 minutes with one of the worst in the company. But the layout emphasizes all of Angle's weaknesses while refusing to let Joe play to his strengths, which his amazing offensive arsenal. The crowd starts hot for both guys and after like 15 minutes of Angle totally dominating and then Joe doing his thing, it goes into a back and forth of "JOE SUCKS!" vs. "ANGLE SUCKS!" Angle decides to bump for the Tope Suicida by sidestepping it and leaning against the rail holding his arm. Oh, the falls? Joe gets a flash fall in about 15 minute with The Choke. Angle brushes it off and gets 2 falls with the Ankle Lock within the next two minutes. Angle makes Joe try to work the spot where he arm drags out of the Angle Slam, but he's a huge fucking dude, so he just falls down and Angle covers him for a 2.9 count. Joe finally gets to do his kind of stuff in the last 10 or so minutes and gets it at 2-2 with the Muscle Buster. They do things, and Joe's knee buckles on another and Angle gets a cradle to win. Kurt does almost nothing but Ankle Locks for the next 6 minutes, and Joe doesn't tap, which is also retarded. Joe has a flurry at the end, and applies his own shitty Ankle Lock as time expires. They got a good thing going, sort of, once the leg work began, but it took them some 15 minutes to get there, and then it went away by the end. This was a huge mess, but not a train wreck, so it's just a bad match and not a legendarily terrible match.
*3/4

So Angle wins, and Tenay says he now gets a title shot. You can point to the Karen Angle bullshit or the weird team with Kevin Nash, but this is where Joe's momentum first stopped.

In the back, Borash interviews Sting. The backstage is now all black except for a green light, so I guess they had like 75% of a power outage? I can't think of any kind of real reason for that lighting. But okay. Sting says he will separate the strings between puppet and puppet master, and James Mitchell and Abyss come over. Speak of the devil, and the devil, he doth appear. Mitchell says Abyss is just a dumb animal, and Sting doesn't get to claim "divine purpose" when he acts like an animal too. There are now flashing lights too and Sting says he's going to send James Mitchell back to hell. Are they outside? Is that lightning? But then where does the green light come from? FUCK.

Hype video for the main event.

Tomko is apparently NOT barred from ringside, but he is in the shark cage at ringside.

Match #7: Abyss [c] w/ Father James Mitchell vs. Sting vs. Christian Cage [NWA World Heavyweight Championship - Elimination Match]
This could have been worse, I suppose. Sting eliminates Abyss within 5 minutes with the Scorpion Deathdrop, which is great. Abyss leaves and is upset. Sting vs. Christian is good stuff, and should have been the BFG main event. Probably will be if I get to 2006 in the btb, although I could go a few other ways. Father James Mitchell comes out, and magically has the key, and he lets Tomko out. He interferes, but Abyss comes out to save, and he shoves Tomko back in the cage. Sting goes after Mitchell and Abyss comes out and hits Sting with the chain. Christian then hits the Frog Splash to win the belt. Total clusterfuck, but at least the belt is back where it belongs.
**1/4
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


TNA Impact
January 18th, 2007
Orlando, FL


MINUTES BEFORE THE SHOW: STING, NO, STEVE BORDEN BECAUSE SHOOT NAMES MAKE IT REAL, ATTACKS JAMES MITCHELL BY GOD.

In the back, Team 3D tells Runt to stay out of their business because they have a title match next, and they tell him to sit down in the back and not move.

Match #1: LAX [c] vs. Team 3D [NWA World Tag Team Championship]
After everyone in the company spent the last six months putting LAX over as THE hot act in the company, let alone the tag division, the Dudleys come along and refuse to sell for them or cooperate with moves and sandbag the fuck out of them. I mean, this is three months after Russo's come in, nobody is really a hot act anymore, but this feels like the Dudleys are trying to completely bury LAX. They get like 95% of the offense and then Moody Jack gets up from the Spanish commentary table to throw a slapjack to Homicide and he hits D-Von with it to win. So frustrating, and it wasn't booking this time at all. Just Team 3D being fucking pieces of shit.
*1/4

In the back, Abyss throws shit and Tenay says that Sting has abducted Mitchell. Well fuck, why not show that in the intro piece?

In the bathroom, Gail Kim and Miss Tennessee (Jacqueline) are brawling and get pulled apart in under 15 seconds.

In a pretape, Christy complains about stuff as dramatic music plays.

Christian Cage comes out and he says he will defend the title at Against All Odds against Kurt Angle. Angle then comes out and tells him to hold that title close and more cliches, because he is taking the title. Christian says they're both confident, but he can handle his emotions unlike Kurt. He says he has a consultant for this match so that he can prepare for Kurt's style, and says it's someone from Kurt's world. Kurt asks if it's Brock Lesnar or Bill Goldberg, and Christian just leaves. Shit, don't throw out the possibility of those two, that only goes in two directions. If it is one of them, you've killed the surprise. If it's not, then it's someone of lesser quality, and you've raised expectations too high.

ON LOCATION, STING HAS JAMES MITCHELL AT THE PRISON. So the prison is roughly 20 minutes away from the Impact Zone. Mitchell says Abyss is his meal ticket and says he was in this place for six years. Sting the handcuffs him to the fence and says he'll get his answers from Abyss, and he drives away. Hey, what the fuck? Mitchell might be kind of an asshole and vaguely evil, but that's probably worse than anything Mitchell or Abyss has done.

In the back, Shelley is filming again and Nash promises the other guys a makeover. Starr then comes on and attacks Senshi.

In the back, Angle yells at Cornette, and Cornette randomly books Angle vs. AJ Styles. WHAT H34PHBGTOIR4EHB COME ON. SERIOUSLY?

Match #2: James Storm w/ Miss Tennessee vs. Lance Hoyt
Apparently, there was an incident between Lance Hoyt and Dale Torborg and AJ Polish Name at the PPV pre-show. This was a backdrop for run ins as Torborg and AJ attack Hoyt, allowing Storm to hit the Superkick to win in about 3 minutes.
*

AJ autographs Hoyt's forehead in a great celebrity heel move. But it has no time to resonate, as Gail Kim and Petey Williams run out to attack Storm and Jacqueline. OH MY GOD, CHRIS HARRIS, PLEASE RETURN NOW.

In the back, Eric Young goes to JB and says they need to go shopping for condoms before next week. AJ comes over and Eric leaves. AJ says Kurt's been pampered because of his gold medal, but that was 11 years ago, and he hasn't earned things like he has. He says it doesn't matter if he gets cheered or booed, because he's still Phenomenal. Awesome babyface promo? I guess.

Match #3: Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles
I'd complain more about giving this away for free for the first time, but fuck it, it was 4 minutes. I'm more mad that AJ Styles only got in an eye rake, a slam, and a few forearms, and Angle dominated the rest. Ankle Lock wins it.
*1/2

Christian and Tomko attack, and AJ joins in. Rhino and Samoa Joe run out to make the save. Joe and Angle then have to be pulled apart too.

Sting comes out to the ring, and he calls out Abyss. He comes out and demands he tells everyone why he was in jail for six years. Sting asks the crowd to cheer if they want to know, and the crowd is totally dead. Bravo, Impact Zone. I don't often say that. But good work. Abyss refuses and Sting says it's on public record, so he'll just go find out. SO HEY, WHY THE FUCK NOT JUST DO THAT INSTEAD? Abyss drops to his knees and yells NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to end the show.

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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


TNA Impact
January 25th, 2007
Orlando, FL


In a voiceover, Tenay says Sting went to City Hall today to investigate prison records.

TONIGHT: Christian vs. Daniels

Samoa Joe comes out and he says he's not going to help Kurt Angle do it, but he's going to make sure he gets a fair shot at the NWA Title so that he can beat Kurt Angle for the NWA Title. He says he's going to be the enforcer at Against All Odds, and Kurt Angle comes out. He says he thinks Joe is the mystery consultant and tells him if he gets involved and costs him the title, he will break his ankle so fast. Christian Cage comes out and says Joe isn't good enough to consult him on anything, and he'll give Angle a hint on who it is before the end of the night. Angle then attacks Joe, and they have another lame pull-apart.

In the back, JB is with Mitchell and Abyss. Mitchell says Sting committed assault and did it on film, and if he doesn't want charges pressed, he'll fight them on the prison yard at Against All Odds. He says it's one thing to piss him off, but now he's pissed Abyss off too.

In the back, Cornette finds Raven and books him vs. Rhino next.

Rhino comes out for the match, but Serotonin attacks him on the ramp. They beat him to the ring and Raven comes out in his mask and in a hooded sweatshirt. Rhino fights Serotonin off, but Raven hits him with a kendo stick. HE PULLS OFF THE MASK AND HOOD, AND IT'S AJ STYLES! YEAH! I have a soft spot for these angles. See: La Parka doing anything in WCW after 2001. AJ busts Rhino open, and lays him out.

EYE SPY PRODUCTIONS: Eric Young and JB buy condoms at a ghetto ass corner store at 4 am. James Storm and his people come in and they make fun of Eric Young and James congratulates him on being a man.

In the back, Roode and Ms. Brooks watch and he tells her to get that contract signed by next week.

Match #2: Chris Sabin vs. Austin Starr vs. Senshi vs. Jerry Lynn
Everyone but Lynn delivers for the 4 minutes this got. Great dives and offense and then Lynn gets Sabin with a sunset flip for the win. BOOOOOO
**

VKM bullshit.

Sting comes out and says they all have their secrets, and he said he found out that Chris Park put three bullets in the back of his father and put him in a coma, but his dad survived. He said he wants to know why he did that, and Abyss comes out and attacks Sting for being a huge dick and airing all this fucking stuff in public. Goddamn man. Abyss beats Sting out the back door and Sting says he's trying to help him and refuses to fight back. Mitchell then throws a fireball at Sting, and he is stretchered out.

Match #3: Christian Cage w/ Tomko vs. Christopher Daniels
This was good. Got like 5 minutes. Samoa Joe comes out to stop Tomko interference when Daniels has the Koji Clutch on. Daniels gets distracted and lets go to yell at Joe for that, allowing Christian to get a low blow and the Unprettier to win.
**1/4

Christian gives Joe a thumbs up as he leaves. Is that the hint? It must be, since that ends the show.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


TNA Impact
February 1st, 2007
Orlando, FL


FOOTAGE FROM LAST WEEK: Abyss and Mitchell met Sting's ambulance at the hospital and they tried to get in to attack him, BUT STING IS GONE~! Wait, when did Sting go from a normal guy with a good grasp on mind games and a bat to a supernatural hero?

In the back, Chris Sabin is on a walker and is mocking Jerry Lynn with a terrible old man impression.

Match #1: Alex Shelley vs. Austin Starr vs. Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Jerry Lynn
This happened. It's about two minutes before Sabin runs out and low blows Lynn, allowing Aries to roll him up for the win.
*1/2

Sabin, Shelley, and Aries beat down Lynn as they should before Senshi comes back in to save.

In the back, Christian tells Tomko to protect his consultant, who is in the back tonight.

EYE SPY PRODUCTIONS: LAX go to West Islip, NY and they beat up Bubba's dad in a pizza place. So, wait...you're telling me they have different fathers? The entire mythos is that Big Daddy Dudley fucked like everyone ever, so they're all half brothers, so this is retarded. OR IS THIS BIG DADDY DUDLEY? BIG DADDY DUDLEY IS A FUCKING PIZZA CHEF? BULLSHIT. FUCK THIS FUCKING SHIT.

In the back, JB interviews Storm and Jackie and says they'll fight Petey and Gail at AAO. Storm says he accepted the match so that Miss Tennessee can beat up Gail Kim. Eric Young comes up and tells James not to tell anyone that he was buying condoms. Why is he ashamed of buying condoms?

In the parking lot, Mitchell tells Abyss to find Sting and to escalate the violence.

Match #2: Robert Roode vs. Petey Williams
Ms. Brooks and Gail Kim are both there. This is short and horrible, on the basis that it is Petey Williams in a match. Storm comes out and Superkicks Petey as the ref is distracted by the broads fighting on the floor, and Roode covers to win.
3/4*

The future Beer Money beats down Petey and the women beat up Gail. Eric Young comes out to save. Robert Roode yells at Ms. Brooks and shoves her, but Eric Young shoves Roode down in defense of her. Eric and Ms. Brooks then leave together.

In the back, VKM and Christy yell at each other and Cornette says if she wants to wrestle, she can have a match at AAO.

Father James Mitchell comes out and says Sting opened up Pandora's Box last week. He says Sting will pay in one of two different ways, and he can either go to prison himself for his cowardly attack, or he can accept the challenge to a Prison Yard Brawl. Sting shows up in the rafters and is wearing Abyss' mask.

A vignette airs of Christopher Daniels asking what the meaning of it all is.

Match #3: Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles
Hey, this might be...nope. They do about 2 minutes of basic pro wrestling before Rhino comes out and chases AJ to the back, and the match ends.
*

Samoa Joe then calls out Christian Cage, but Kurt Angle comes out instead. Angle says Joe is a liar when he says he's not with Christian, and they start to fight. Christian comes out and helps Joe, and Joe then shoves him. AJ Styles runs back out, having lost Rhino, I guess, and he helps Christian beat them down. BAH GAWD IS AJ THE MYSTERY CONSULTANT?! Well, that would make no sense. He doesn't know Kurt Angle at all, or amateur wrestling that much. So yeah, it's probably AJ.

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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007

TNA Impact
February 8th, 2007
Orlando, FL

Match #1: Abyss w/ Father James Mitchell vs. Chase Stevens w/ Andy Douglas

Hey, the Naturals are still here. Okay then. Abyss kills Chase in short fashion.
1/2*

Douglas gets the Shock Treatment post-match. Sting shows up on the tron and accepts the challenge, and says this Prison Yard is not as bad as the prison of mental anguish Abyss lives in every day that he doesn't come to grips with his past.

In the back, Laticia interviews Samoa Joe. He says he is not a liar and he'll have Kurt Angle's back tonight when they fight Christian and AJ Styles. Kurt Angle shows up and says Joe can have his shot when he wins the title, and he wants the true consultant to show his face tonight.

In the back, Tomko tells Christian that his consultant is insane, and he's tired of dealing with him. Christian says it'll all be over tonight and tells him to take the night off.

Team 3D comes out and says that wasn't their father, but it was his uncle last week that they beat up. He says they could have a title shot, but they want revenge instead and it will be a Little Italy Street Fight at Against All Odds. Moody Jacks rolls Konnan out on the stage in a wheelchair AND YEAH! HE'S NOT GONE! AWESOME! Konnan says LAX is his family, and they attacked and he accepts for them. Drunk Brother Runt comes out AND LAX ATTACKS FROM BEHIND! HERNANDEZ BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF D-VON'S ARM, AND HOMICIDE CHOKES OUT BUBBA WITH A COATHANGER! VINTAGE HOMICIDE! YEAH YEAH YEAH! YEAH YEAH YEAH! BBBBBBBBBBBBBBDAT!

Tenay says AJ vs. Rhino will happen again at AAO in a Motor City Chain Match.

Match #2: James Storm/Austin Starr/Chris Sabin w/ Miss Tennessee vs. Rhino/Jerry Lynn/Senshi
Good stuff. Awesome heel team once again. Only 3 minutes though. Aries beats Senshi with the Brainbuster after a low blow from Storm.
*3/4

In the back, Dr. Nash speaks to Lethal and Dutt. He says he invented Sting and Samoa Joe and made their dolls himself.

In the back, Ms. Brooks tells Eric that if he signs the deal, they can seal the deal. JB says she's evil and Eric says he loves her.

Sting comes out and has a shark cage lowered from the ceiling and a beat up James Mitchell is in it and Sting says you will never see him again after Sunday. Abyss comes out to fight him, and Mitchell chokes Sting against the cage with his belt. Abyss then hits Sting with a chair and frees Mitchell. That was completely unnecessary.

In a vignette, Daniels says he sees the truth.

Match #3: Samoa Joe/Kurt Angle vs. Christian Cage/AJ Styles
Hey, this is good for the 4-5 minutes it goes. At least, as long as Angle is out. You get some good AJ vs. Joe segments. Rhino stops AJ from bailing and he is pinned after the Angle Slam.
**

All three celebrate, and a man in a hooded sweatshirt and mask comes in with a pipe. He hits Rhino and Joe, but of course, Angle gets the best of him. He unmasks him as Scott Steiner, and then Christian and Steiner lay out Angle. This makes a lot of sense. Christian said it was someone who is a lot like Angle. Steiner is a lunatic who throws a ton of Suplexes, so that's probably the most accurate person they could have chosen. Plus it puts Scott Steiner back on TV. Good for you, TNA.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


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TNA Against All Odds 2007
February 11th, 2007
Orlando, FL

Match #1: LAX vs. Team 3D [Little Italy Street Fight]

This is much better as Homicide and Hernandez don't have the burden of working a normal match with these fucks. They get to throw out spots for 9 minutes and both men have their incredible dives. Homicide is the Homicide everyone grew to love in 2003-6, as he uses a fork, a pizza cutter, and is generally a total lunatic brawler. Not perfect, but easily the best Team 3D match since they joined TNA, probably in the last 4 years too. They had a few great nearfalls at the end even. Random thugs came out to help LAX and Hernandez tosses D-Von off the top rope with the Border Toss to win.
***

Konnan is in a wheelchair by the LAX zone and applauds.

In the back, Starr sees Bob Backlund in the back and threatens him to stay out of his business.

Match #2: Austin Starr vs. Senshi
This is very good, but it's only 8 minutes. Bob Backlund comes out to watch, and it allows Senshi to get a roll up to win.
**3/4

Aries blames Backlund and shoves him, so Backlund puts him in the Crossface Chickenwing again.

In the back, Steiner and Tomko and Christian calms them down. SHINE MY SHOES IF I WANTCHA TO. Christian says Angle took Steiner's spot, and his money, and food from his kids. Tomko refuses to apologize and Steiner storms off and Christian yells at Tomko to go fix it.

A video airs on the Christy Hemme shit.

Match #3: Christy Hemme vs. Big Fat Oily Guy [Tuxedo Match]
This is a horrible 2 minutes, and even worse, Christy wins.
15/1000*

Christy is mad and Kip James comes out. He says nobody wants her to wrestle and rips off the tuxedo shirt to show her bra, and she flees in embarrassment. C'mon, you posed nude. That's nothing in comparison.

Match #4: Lance Hoyt vs. Dale Torborg
HAHAHAHA NO THANKS.

AN EYE SPY PRODUCTION: Tracy is getting Eric Young to sign the contract so he can make the fuck, but then it says TO BE CONTINUED

Hype video for AJ/Rhino.

Match #5: AJ Styles vs. Rhino [Motor City Chain Match]
This also has two poles in the ring, with a key on one pole and a nightstick on the other. This is the most ghetto chain match set up ever, as they have two sets of handcuffs as the bracelets, and a small chain in between. AJ has some awesome stooging involving the chain and how he kept overestimating how long it was. AJ took over and this was good. I feel that any match with a chain needs blood to get over how brutal it is, but that's my only complaint here. AJ gets the key and is free and traps Rhino in the ropes. He taunts him with the key, but drops it and fucking Earl Hebner gives it to Rhino. How is that fair? Rhino gets free and puts up a table, but AJ dodges the Gore and Rhino goes through it, and AJ pins him.
**3/4

EYE SPY PRODUCTIONS, PART 2: Eric signs it. She then makes him shut his eyes and she goes to freshen up. But in reality, she flees the hotel room

Match #6: Chris Sabin [c] vs. Jerry Lynn [TNA X Division Championship]
Sabin is again a magnificent prick. Lynn refuses to not work his usual spotfest though. That being said, Sabin's control seg was great, and then Lynn forced him to do his tired old spots. Sabin Back Drops out of the Cradle Piledriver and Lynn tries the Sunset Flip. Sabin sits down on it and grabs the middle rope to pin.
**3/4

DESTINATION X: MARCH 11TH!

In the back, Samoa Joe leaves Angle's locker room.

Hype video for the mixed tag.

Match #7: James Storm/Jacqueline vs. Petey Williams/Gail Kim
This is fine enough. Storm is again the best opponent for Petey who isn't AJ or Sabin. The Jackie/Gail stuff is surprisingly decent, so Jackie is probably the 2nd best wrestler in the match. Storm punches Gail from the apron and Jackie pins to win.
**1/4

They beat up Petey and they go for the Death Sentence, BUT CHRIS HARRIS RUNS OUT IN AN EYEPATCH TO SAVE! YEAH! Storm runs away and looks like he's seen a ghost.

Hype video for Sting/Abyss.

Match #8: Sting vs. Abyss w/ Father James Mitchell [Prison Yard Match]
The rules are that you win by locking the other man in that cage from Impact. LAME. Then you know, it's a Sting/Abyss match. Not much to write about. They used weapons but nothing impressive happened. They spend like 50% of the match struggling over the cage door. Sting ends up winning.
*3/4

Sting then beats up Mitchell as Abyss is stuck in the cage.

Hype video for the main event.

Match #9: Christian Cage [c] vs. Kurt Angle [NWA World Heavyweight Championship - Special Enforcer: Samoa Joe]
Didn't need 19 minutes, but it's an unfiltered Kurt Angle. That being said, Christian does the best job of reigning in Angle so far in TNA. The first Joe match wasn't really reigned in, it was just short, like Angle bombfests should be. AJ Styles came out to interfere, but Joe chased him to the back. Steiner and Tomko then came out, and Joe came back out to fight them. This distracted the ref, and Christian hit Angle with Steiner's pipe and then the Unprettier to win.
**3/4
Edited by Big Tuna, Jul 18 2012, 10:00 PM.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


TNA Impact
February 15th, 2007
Orlando, FL


The Christian Coalition of Christian, Tomko, and Steiner comes out. Steiner says he doesn't like Kurt Angle, he hates Kurt Angle. He says when Angle signed with TNA, suddenly TNA didn't have time for him anymore. He says he's done everything Kurt has done, and a lot earlier too, and says he beat John Cena and Batista too. First of all, nope. Second of all, Angle never beat Batista either. Kurt Angle comes out and says he heard Steiner was a self-serving egomaniac, but now he knows it's true. He says he doesn't have time for any more egos, and they brawl. Christian and Tomko save and then Samoa Joe, Rhino, and other babyfaces come out to save.

TONIGHT: #1 Contender's Gauntlet Match

The Elevation X thing is above the ring and Tenay says it's AJ Styles vs. Rhino in the match at Destination X.

In the back, Christian talks to Tomko and Steiner. He says they should eliminate everyone tonight and then forfeit, so he gets the month off. Steiner refuses.

Match #1: LAX w/ Konnan vs. Norman Smiley/Shark Boy
Great squash as usual. Only a minute though, because Russo also hates squashes.
*1/4

Team 3D comes on the tron and they say they brought a member of their family, their cousin Steve! And Bobby Baccalieri comes on and calls them animals with cheap rags on their head. Bubba says they're gonna beat them up in a Melting Pot match with all their posse.

In the back, Roode and Ms. Brooks taunt Eric that Roode now owns him and he says his job is to make sure he wins the Gauntlet and the title shot.

There is a Gail Kim vs. Jacqueline Moore arm wrestling match. Gail wins and is then attacked. James Storm comes out to help, and so does Petey Williams. Chris Harris in an eyepatch runs out to save and James Storm bails out again.

PCS IDOL: Lethal first debuts his INCREDIBLE Randy Savage impression.

Match #2: 14 Man Gauntlet for the Gold
I tried to keep track, but then a commercial happens and like 8 more people are in the ring, so fuck it. AJ had a great performance, as did Sabin. AJ vs. Sting showed a lot of promise. Tomko and Steiner eliminate Angle and then Eric Young. Joe clotheslines Steiner out and then he and Tomko have a fun match for a few minutes. Joe wins with the Muscle Buster.
**1/4

Christian, Tomko, and Steiner go to get Joe, but Kurt Angle runs out to save, and they fight off the Coalition.

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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


TNA Impact
February 22nd, 2007
Orlando, FL


TONIGHT: X Division #1 Contender's Ladder Match

AJ Styles comes out and since he is being booked as an arrogant retard 50% of the time (the other 50%, he is a arrogant coward), he climbs up on top of the Elevation X scaffold. He says he ain't afraid of heights, since he made the X Division. He says he invented this, and explains that the rules are that two men start on top of here and the winner is whoever doesn't fall off. Rhino comes out and climbs up. AJ climbs down, and Rhino says he's going to end AJ's career and promises to GORE~ him on this.

Match #1: LAX vs. Team 3D [Belting Pot Match]
Oh, BELTing pot. I get it. Fancy name for a lumberjack match. Not as great as the Street Fight obviously, but much better than either of the title matches. They get 5 minutes and brawl well. Hernandez is beat after the 3D.
**

In a weird pretape, Sting is on his "death bed", in the middle of the ring for some reason. He says death is a choice, but death comes before life. He says he believes in Abyss and says his life will change at Destination X when they fight in a Last Rites match. He says he will strap Abyss to his bed and he will rise to the heavens above and he will have a choice to match between finality and suffering or he can choose eternal life and serenity. So, he's going to kill Abyss to force him to be saved? What?

In the back, JB tries to interview Abyss, but he is rocking back and forth and loudly grunts at him.

Match #2: James Storm/Robert Roode/Eric Young w/ Jackie Moore & Ms. Brooks vs. Voodoo Kin Mafia/Lance Hoyt
BEER! MONEY! Basically a showcase for the heel team. Roode crotches Hoyt on the top and Storm covers with the ropes to win.
*1/2

Chris Harris runs out and chases Storm to the back. Okay, cool. You've got me to the point where I want to see Storm get his ass kicked by Storm. But you have to stop booking the same thing for three weeks in a row and actually book the match now.

PAPARAZZI IDOL: More awesome Savage impressions from Lethal. Nash tells Jay to play the race card.

Tenay is in the ring with Cornette and a desk and they hype up the Joe/Cage title match. They then bring out Steiner and Angle for a contract signing for their match. Steiner comes out and says after he beats Angle, he's going to take his gold medal and melt it down and sell it to buy coffee. HEH. Angle comes out and says Steiner came here to rape TNA of all the money he can, and Steiner says that's why they're all here, in one of the rare 100% lucid moments in TNA history. Anyways, they sign the contract, and Steiner then flips the table and Steiner headbutts him. Angle bleeds and Christian and Tomko come out and beat him down, and Steiner shoves the contract down Angle's throat.

Match #3: Senshi vs. Austin Starr vs. Jerry Lynn vs. Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt [X Division #1 Contender's Ladder Match]
Fine 6 minute spotfest. Mr. Backlund comes out to watch, and Jerry Lynn wins. At least it's not Sonjay Dutt, but still the 2nd worst possible option.
**1/4

Bob Backlund comes down and shakes Jerry's hand. He tries to shake Austin's hand too, but he slaps him again, so Backlund puts on the Crossface Chickenwing again.

Best episode of the year so far.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


TNA Impact
March 1st, 2007
Orlando, FL


In the back, Christian talks to Tomko and he says he has Samoa Joe tonight. He says Steiner is preoccupied with Kurt, and it's like old times. He says he feels like Tomko's dad and maybe they can play catch after he beats Joe. Tomko asks what's in it for him, and asks how this benefits him. Christian asks what he wants and says if he takes out Joe, he can have his title shot, and Tomko likes it, and says he'll get it done, and mockingly calls him dad. Christian says he's so damn selfish, and didn't get that from his side. AMAZING.

Match #1: Chris Sabin/Alex Shelley/Austin Starr vs. Senshi/Jerry Lynn/Jay Lethal
I enjoy the best two teams of the 2nd era of TNA in Beer Money and MCMG teaming up in six mans this month. Elaboration, I consider 2002-6 the first era, 2007-9 the 2rd, and then the Hogan era as the modern one. LAX hit their peak in the 2006 run, so they probably count more as being in the first era. This was a lot of fun. Mr. Backlund comes on commentary to yell at Mike Tenay. THEY GET 5 MINUTES! YEAH! Backlund gets up when Starr yells at him and he grabs him, allowing Senshi to roll up Starr to win.
**1/2

Video airs of Roode and Ms. Brooks making Eric Young do chores.

Hype video for AJ/Rhino.

In a pretape, Sting says Abyss will die in 3 days. Wait, what? This is labeled as March 1st, so I guess TNA fucked up on the order of the Sting pretapes?

Scott Steiner comes out for a match, but Kurt Angle attacks from behind and they get pulled apart.

Match #2: Scott Steiner vs. Chase Stevens
I love a Scott Steiner squash. Good minute or so.
*1/4

Steiner gets on the mic and says after Kurt's wife got in bed last night, she said Kurt isn't half the man he used to be, and that brings Kurt back out to attack, and they are pulled apart again. Jim Cornette comes out and he says he's put up with way too much with Kurt Angle because he's the star of TNA and the best wrestler in history, but he's had enough, and ejects him. Horrible. Cornette always picks the worst fucking guys to suck dick of on the mic.

In a pretape, Leticia talks to Chris Harris. He says he is at 35% of his vision, and the doctors won't clear him, so TNA won't let him fight. He says he knows Storm knows he's coming and it might not be in a ring at this rate, but he will get a piece of him.

Alex Shelley introduces his latest piece in the ring. EYE SPY PRODUCTIONS - "MASSACRE IN NEW YORK": It shows Homicide and Hernandez beating the fuck out of Johnny Rodz, who trained D-Von. Bubba comes out and throws Alex's mic down and asks why he filmed that. He says Alex Shelley is a nobody in this business and they have no heat, so that can't be why he did this, and Bubba says he barely even knows who he is. What a fucking asshole. Shelley says he didn't know what he was getting into. Bubba then puts him over and says he has a bright future. Weird. Kevin Nash comes out to defend Shelley. FUCK YEAH. Bubba says it has nothing to do with him, AND LAX COMES OUT TO ATTACK BUBBA! Bubba is a piece of shit and easily dominates them until Shelley gets a low blow. They beat down Bubba and Shelley films it. Konnan is on the mic from his wheelchair on the stage, and says, "LAX! GET THE TABLE!" They get one out and Hernandez puts him through the table with a Spinebuster. Mostly awesome fucking angle.

In the back, Samoa Joe WALKS~! He bumps into Abyss, who growls at him. Joe shoves him against the wall and tells him to stand up for himself for once, if he's not going to have the guts to at least accept Sting's challenge. He grabs Joe by the throat, but Joe shoves him back against the wall with a forearm to his face, and shoves him again before walking off.

Match #3: Samoa Joe vs. Tomko
Decent few minutes. They get going with an awesome slugfest and Christian comes out. Christian hits Joe with a chair, and Tomko hits a decent but not amazing clothesline, AND TOMKO PINS JOE?! AHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK? WOW.
**

Christian comes back in to attack, but Joe gets him with The Choke! Steiner comes out to save and it is a 3 on 1. ABYSS THEN COMES OUT TO SAVE? WEIRD.

Hey, that's two good (at least by Russo-era TNA standards) episodes in a row!
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007

TNA Impact
March 8th, 2007
Orlando, FL


Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe are in the ring, and Angle says he'll kill Scott Steiner. He says he at least had enough respect for Joe to deal with him like a man (except the sneak attacks and when he tried to break his girlfriend's ankle). He says after Joe wins the title, he's going to give him a shot. Christian, Tomko, and Steiner come out and Christian says they're a family, a machine, a unit, AND OFFICIALLY NAMES THEM THE CHRISTIAN COALITION! FINALLY! Christian challenges them to find a partner for a six man tag and Angle accepts and says their partner is crazy.

Match #1: Voodoo Kin Mafia/Lance Hoyt vs. Serotonin
No thanks.

Serotonin loses, and Raven comes out and canes them.

In the back, The Christian Coalition talks to JB. Christian figures out it's Abyss and says they should go talk to him. Steiner says he only cares about Angle, and he leaves. Tomko says he'll go with him when he gets his title shot, and he leaves. Christian then says he and JB will have to do it.

Mike Tenay, JB. SoCal Val, and Leticia are in the ring with a plaque and they introduce an new member of the TNA family in some capacity in the office without naming any actual position, Hector Guerrero! He says God has given him an opportunity to be in the Guerrero family and looks up and says dad and Eddie have inspired him so much, and he'll do what he knows they would have wanted. Abyss comes out before the presentation of the plaque, and Hector gets ready to fight, but Abyss instead hits Val with the Black Hole Slam.

In the back, Cornette is with the midcard. He books Storm/Jackie vs. Petey/Gail in a Double Bullrope Match, Sabin vs. Lynn for the belt in a Best of Three Falls match, and Starr vs. Senshi in a Crossface Chickenwing Match. Goddamnit. Backlund says the plebians will love it.

Match #2: Jay Lethal/Petey Williams/Sonjay Dutt vs. James Storm/Robert Roode/Eric Young w/ Jackie Moore & Ms. Brooks
More Beer Money! Good stuff for 3 minutes. Roode has a sweet Twisting Uranage. Gail Kim comes out to attack Jackie, and it accidentally distracts Dutt, so Storm hits the Superkick for the win.
**

In the back, Christian tells Abyss that he never told his secret, and Abyss freaks out when Christian says Sting. He says Joe and Angle are just like Sting. Christian then throws JB at Abyss and runs and Abyss throws Borash around.

Hype video for Sting/Abyss.

Match #3: Samoa Joe/Kurt Angle/Rhino vs. Christian/Scott Steiner/Tomko
Good 5 or so minutes. Tomko is awesome on the control seg and then they have a great finishing run. Abyss comes out and attacks Angle for the DQ.
**1/4

The lights go out, and Sting is in the ring when they come back on, and he attacks Abyss AND FOLKS WE GOTTA GO WE'RE OUTTA TIME
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


Posted Image

TNA Destination X 2007
March 11th, 2007
Orlando, FL

Match #1: LAX w/ Konnan vs. Team 3D w/ Johnny Rodz [Ghetto Brawl]

Their brawl is once again much better than their actual matches are. Not as great as last month though, since they had more time to fill, and did it with a generic arena brawl. Hernandez does his awesome dive again. Generally just less chaotic than last month. Shelley comes out and hits Bubba with a camera in revenge, and Homicide then beats him with a Frog Splash through a table.
**3/4

Tenay: This tag title situation with LAX and Team 3D is out of control!

Don West: YOU'VE GOT THAT RIGHT! THE ONLY THING WE'RE MISSING IS PAC MAN JONES!

In the back, JB interviews Rhino. He says he's afraid, but he's gonna be a man and go up there. He says mistakes can't happen because gravity doesn't play favorites.

Match #2: James Storm/Jackie Moore vs. Petey Williams/Gail Kim [Double Bullrope Match]
Storm does a good job carrying this. ome inventive spots, great stooging and bumping, etc. Petey using the rope to actually reel Storm in to the Destroyer was an awesome spot, after like 3 years of the pantomime reeling in. Jackie gets a low blow on Petey and Storm hits a Superkick to win.
**1/4

In the back, Steiner tries to fuck Leticia, but she asks about Angle. He says Angle should be thinking about him, and he says his offense is impeccable, his defense is untouchable, and his love is insatiable, just like Mrs. Angle knows.

Match #3: Senshi vs. Austin Starr [Crossface Chickenwing Match]
They get 10-11 minutes, and it's again very good. The stip holds them back though. Apparently, you can only win with the CC, not just by putting it on. That makes a little more sense. Bob Backlund comes back out to watch. Senshi eventually wins with the Crossface Chickenwing. Obviously.
**3/4

Bob then puts Starr in it again.

In the back, JB interviews AJ Styles. AJ says Rhino is out of his element, and this is Rhino's fault for getting into his business to begin with.

Match #4: Voodoo Kin Mafia vs. The Heartbreakers w/ Christy Hemme
Yep, it's the Heart Throbs. This gets 9 minutes, and it's pretty terrible. So yeah, Kip is an asshole, but Christy is bringing in shitty heel teams to take VKM out. So who are the heels? As for the match, very very very dull. Nobody really does anything well. BG wins with the Fuckhandle Slam.
3/4*

Hype video for Sabin/Lynn.

Match #5: Chris Sabin [c] vs. Jerry Lynn [TNA X Division Championship - Best of Three Falls]
Hey, as 12 minute three fall match. On one hand, it's not like I want this pairing to do anything longer than 12 minutes. On the other hand, then why even bother with a three fall match if it's not going a reasonable length for three falls? Ususal problems with Lynn trying to force his kind of a match. He goes 1-0 with a Tornado DDT, and then Sabin rolls him up with the ropes to even it out. A masked man comes out to distract Lynn and Sabin hits the Cradle shock to win.
**1/2

The masked man then hits Sabin with the belt and Lynn with the Angel's Wings, and yep, it's Christoper Daniels. With his stupid face paint around his eye.

Hype video for Elevation X.

Match #6: AJ Styles vs. Rhino [Elevation X]
This is fucking stupid, but they did the best they could. Scaffold matches are pretty much done, for good reason. AJ wearing gloves for better grip was a great idea. The actual structure is really fucking shoddy too, as it wobbles a ton whenever they step. Good working of the gimmick once they got up there, and AJ had some awesome teases. AJ hiding under the platform was awesome too. AJ pulls out powder, but Rhino throws it in his face and hits a "Gore" on the scaffold, which was basically just a shoulderblock. AJ is hanging on and Rhino stomps on his hands to win.
**1/2

Hype video for Kurt/Steiner.

Match #7: Kurt Angle vs. Scott Steiner
This could have been more of a mess. Much more, considering it's two borderline immobile formerly great wrestlers who are total lunatics. It's just a match, so it's below average but not offensive. Angle wins with a Sunset Flip.
**1/4

Match #8: Sting vs. Abyss [Last Rites Match]

It's essentally just a casket match without a casket? Oh, it comes down from the ceiling. When it comes down, it comes with blue lighting and smoke, leading to a "FIRE RUSSO" chant. There are random gravestones and candlebras at ringside, and they use them for clearly fake weapon shots. Sting knocks Abyss off the top onto a gravestone, and it somehow KOs him enough for Sting to put him in the casket to win.
*1/2

The death bed/casket is then raised up to the ceiling.

Hype video for Cage/Joe.

Match #9: Christian Cage [c] vs. Samoa Joe [NWA World Heavyweight Championship]
At least this show ends with a genuinely great match, a classic in TNA's history, the first one in about six months. This is about a week after Joe had his last all-time great level match vs. Nigel McGuinness, so March 2007 is probably his swan song as a "best in the world" level guy. Christian is a great foil for Joe, and coming up where Jo came up, he hasn't had a ton of matches against straight up cowardly pure heels, except Jimmy Rave. So it's still sort of new and interesting. Christian take huge bumps and Joe breaks out the OLE OLE KICK YEAH! Joe later takes an amazing apron bump off a DDT for someone his size. Christian is fine countering Joe, but can't really control him at all. Joe kicks out of the Unprettier, so Christian tries to bail, BUT ALL THE BABYFACES COME OUT AND THROW HIM BACK IN! YEAH! The ref yells at them, AND JOE HITS THE ISLAND DRIVER! HE HAS IT WON, BUT THE REF DOESN'T SLIDE BACK IN SOON ENOUGH MOTHERFUCK. Christian then maneuvers a ref bump and hits Joe with a chair, BUT JOE COMES BACK WITH THE SLAPS! YEAH! MUSCLE BUSTER! BUT THE REF'S SLOW COUNT LETS CHRISTIAN KICK OUT! JOE GETS THE CHOKE, BUT CHRISTIAN GETS A LOW BLOW! JOE GETS THE CHOKE BACK ON ANYWAYS! HE TAKES HIM DOWN, BUT CHRISTIAN ROLLS HIM BACK WITH HIS FEET ON THE ROPES TO WIN! Had Joe not lost to Angle in January, I would have no problem with this. Still don't, I guess, since Christian is on a huge roll at this point, but it is upsetting to see Joe used so poorly. Amazing finishing run.
***1/2
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


TNA Impact
March 15th, 2007
Orlando, FL


Jim Cornette is inside the cage to open the show and he says Kurt Angle and Christian Cage would choose their own teams for Lethal Lockdown at Lockdown on April 15th.

After the show intro, AJ Styles is inside the cage, which is still up for some reason, and he has a neck brace on, and a cast on his ankle and a crutch. He says he'd like Rhino to call his wife and kids, so he can tell them that he's the one responsible for their daddy not bringing home a paycheck anymore because of Destination X. Rhino comes out and into the cage and AJ says he wants this to be over for good and Rhino says he's sorry and it's over. They shake hands, AND AJ HITS RHINO WITH HIS CRUTCH! HE RIPS OFF THE BRACE AND BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF RHINO! WAIT, WHAT? WHY THE FUCK!? SO HE'S FAKING INJURIES AFTER FALLING LIKE 25 FEET TO THE MAT? GODDAMNIT RUSSO.

After commercial, AJ is still beating on him, and Christian comes out to help. Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle then come out to save, and AJ bails out and Christian climbs over the top to escape.

Kevin Nash and Sonjay Dutt introduce the new and improved Jay Lethal, and he has the new Black Machismo song.

Match #1: Jay Lethal vs. Jerry Lynn vs. Kaz
They do spots. Lethal wins with the super indy Lethal Injection, which is a shitty finish compared to the Dragon Suplex.
*1/4

Christopher Daniels comes out, and he beats up all three men with a bat, and he then hits Lynn with the Last Rites.

In the back, JB interviews Christian and AJ. He says AJ wants to be a huge star, so he's agreed to be on his team at Lockdown. AJ says they also talked about him getting a title shot if he teamed with him and JB says he promised Tomko a shot too. Christian asks why either of them would bring that up in his time of crisis. AJ apologizes, and Christian says they need to worry about finding some more team members, and they walk off.

Match #2: LAX/Alex Shelley w/ Konnan vs. Team 3D/Brother Runt w/ Johnny Rodz
Decent stuff. This is better than their usual Impact match. The Against All Odds match is probably a strange anomaly that they'll never get near again. Konnan joins commentary and is amazing. He calls Rodz a sellout to his people and says LAX is like Google, while they sleep, their stock keeps going up. Shelley takes tons of amazing bumps. There was potential for this to be great, but then they clip out the majority of LAX's control seg at the commercial. Shelley is hit with the 3D, but Hernandez rolls up D-Von to win again.
**

Konnan says they've beaten them in every match they've had and taken their dignity, and they want their legacy now.

In the back, JB finds Eric Young cleaning toilets and Eric says Roode is making him do it. JB says he should call that friend of his and Roode comes in and says if Borash wants to talk to him, he has to ask him first.

Christian and AJ are in the ring now, and he introduces the third member of Team Cage, Abyss. BOOOOOOOOO. He comes out, and Christian tells him to stand with them. Sting comes out instead and says Abyss doesn't want to be on anyone's team, because Abyss is his own team. Sting is such an asshole. He reveals Abyss' dark secret, beats the fuck out of his father figure, then locks him in a casket like 50 feet above the ring for God knows how long, and now he's speaking for him? Sting says he's seen the light and Christian says Sting lied to Abyss. He says Sting is only using Abyss, and Cornette comes out to book Sting/Abyss vs. AJ/Christian next week, and Sting and Abyss then clear the ring.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


TNA Impact
March 22nd, 2007
Orlando, FL

Match #1: Kurt Angle/Samoa Joe/Rhino vs. Serotonin w/ Raven

Tenay says Joe and Rhino are on Team Angle. Decent showcase for them, and Joe beats Martyr with the Muscle Buster.
*1/4

In the back, AJ is mad at Christian for having no back up, and asks where Tomko is or where Abyss is. AJ says he only wants that title shot, so Christian takes it back. They argue and Christian says he's taking to the champion and he needs to look at the big picture.

In the back, Raven beats Martyr with a stick.

In the back, Sting and Abyss get interviewed. Sting says there is one obstacle between him and freedom, but he will overcome and he has yet to steer him wrong. He says he's done it all for his own good, even what put him in pain.

Team 3D are in the ring with two boxes, and they call out LAX to talk right now. They come out and Bubba says they've never beaten them, but they've earned their legacy. They pull out their tag titles from ECW, WCW, and WWE/F. They challenge them to put the tag titles on the line against all of these belts and Konnan says all those belts are worthless compared to the NWA Tag Titles, and he says if they want one more match, they'll get one more match, and it can be an ELECTRIFIED STEEL CAGE MATCH. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

In the back, Backlund is in Cornette's office and he has a cup of piss and says he's here for his drug test and says he's never eaten marijuana before in his life. He says he wants Austin Starr at Lockdown, and Cornette says he can't do that, but he can make him special referee for Starr vs. Senshi at Lockdown.

Match #2: Austin Starr vs. Eric Young
2 minutes of nothing. Roode and Ms. Brooks come out to cause Eric to lose and Aries wins with the Brainbuster.
*1/2

Roode beats on Eric for taking a match without asking him, until Petey Williams comes out to save. Petey goes to shake his hand, but Roode pulls Eric out, and drags him to the back. Petey WOULD want a Team Canada reunion, since he hasn't been relevant since.

In the back, Christopher Daniels attacks Jerry Lynn with a bat, and is now also wearing a black trenchcoat. Tenay completely ruins the subtle undercurrent they've been trying to build by yelling that Daniels looks more and more like an evil Sting.

James Storm comes out and says he was supposed to fight that boy Jerry Lynn, so he issues an open challenge right now, AND CHRIS HARRIS COMES OUT! YEAH! Should have held off on his return until now, instead of teasing it a few months back, but regardless, we're finally here. Gail Kim tries to hold him back since he has an eyepatch. Gail and Jackie then have a pull-apart, and Harris chases off Storm.

In the back, Harris demands Cornette give him a match with Storm, and Cornette says he can't do anything until he's medically cleared, and asks him to try and work with him here, but Harris storms out.

A video airs of the Sting/Abyss feud.

Match #3: Christian Cage/AJ Styles vs. Sting/Abyss
Not horrible, since AJ is the only one who can really get anything good out of Abyss. Plus, Sting vs. Christian and AJ is pretty good. Midway through, James Mitchell comes out with an old woman and tells Abyss to come with them. He walks out and leaves with them. But hey, it's cool, since Sting then dominates Christian and AJ for several minutes anyway. Steiner then comes out and hits Sting with a pipe behind the ref's back and AJ covers to win.
**1/4

Steiner celebrates with AJ and Christian, and Tenay yells that he is the third member of Team Cage.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


TNA Impact
March 29th, 2007
Orlando, FL


In the crowd, Bob Backlund is doing squats.

In a non-Impact Zone segment that finally wasn't filmed by Alex Shelley (they've established that Shelley is the only one who knows how to operate a camera, so hopefully this involves some kind of a film school rival of his. Jacobs is working the emo kid gimmick hard at this point, so this would be a perfect to bring him in), Sting and Father James Mitchell are having dinner. WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK?! Sting asks him to explain the scars on Chris' back and asks how long Chris had to watch his mom being abused. Mitchell says he's assuming it was prolonged abuse, but even though that's wrong, it doesn't justify the woman putting three bullets in Abyss' dad's back. Mitchell says Abyss protects his mom like a good soon, and Abyss will do what he tells him to do or else, or he'll tell the authorities what his mother did, like the criminal she is. Sting stands up, and Mitchell says that's fine, because he has a meeting with Christian, but says Sting should at least pick up the check.

Match #1: Alex Shelley vs. Austin Starr vs. Jerry Lynn vs. Petey Williams vs. Shark Boy vs. Sonjay Dutt [Xscape Match]
They do some spots, and Shelley and Aries do their best to guide the spots into something decent for the fucking 4 minutes this goes. Why even bother? Why the fuck even do this if you're going to edit it down to 4 goddamned minutes? And horribly, it ends with the worst possible pairing of Lynn vs. Petey Williams, which qualified as maybe the worst possible pairing TNA is capable of at this point. Lynn escapes to win.
*3/4

Daniels then attacks Lynn with a bat on the floor.

EARLIER TONIGHT: Leticia interviews Tomko, and he says he's been in Japan. Christian rushes over and sucks up to him. Christian takes a phone call, and Tomko walks off.

Christian Cage comes out with AJ Styles and Scott Steiner, and he welcomes Steiner to Team Cage. He then introduces his fourth member, and Abyss and Father James Mitchell come out. He then introduces the fifth and final man, and Tomko comes out. Tomko comes out and says Christian lied to him about that title shot, and says he doesn't play second fiddle. Christian says he'll get a title shot if they win at Lockdown, Angle, Joe, and Rhino come out and Angle says there's a place for him on their team. Jim Cornette comes out and books Abyss vs. Angle tonight with the winner getting Tomko on their team.

Hype video for LAX/Team 3D.

Match #2: James Storm w/ Jackie Moore vs. Eric Young
This is about 90 seconds before Storm wins with the Superkick.
*1/4

Gail Kim comes out to fight Jackie and Storm goes to leave, but Chris Harris runs out to attack him and he chases him off through the crowd. Gail and Jackie fight to the back and Robert Roode and Ms. Brooks come out. They berate Eric about who his "friend" is, and Petey Williams comes out to save and he fights off Roode.

Horrible VKM/Christy segment. She'll get another team at Lockdown. Okay!

Match #3: Kurt Angle vs. Abyss w/ Father James Mitchell [Winner Gets Tomko]
Hey, this was horrible. But it's Angle vs. Abyss, you knew that coming in. Lots of horrible Abyss punches, Angle suplexes that looked horrible because he's decrepit now and Abyss bumps way too big for him. And then arbitrary finisher kickouts in a 4-5 minute TV match. Angle counters a Chokeslam into the worst Victory Roll in recorded history. He sits, like, on Abyss' stomach and only has one leg, and it is the most business exposing pin ever.
3/4*

Tomko comes out and raises Kurt's hand, but then clotheslines him! The rest of Team Cage comes out and they beat down Angle. Joe and Rhino come out to save with chairs, and Team Cage bails out. Abyss somehow just vanished there, as that pin clearly took a lot out of him.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


TNA Impact
April 5th, 2007
Orlando, FL


In the back before the show intro, Leticia interviews Team Cage. Tomko asks for his title match, as does AJ, and Steiner, and Mitchell, and Christian gets flustered and says to worry about Lockdown first and then he'll give them all title matches.

Match #1: Rhino vs. Tomko [Street Fight]
Tomko did a good job getting something out of Rhino here, and they got like 6 minutes, so it was an objectively good match. They had fun crowd stuff, Tomko's stuff all looked great, and he took big bumps. Unfortunately, he then loses to the Gore. BOOOOOOOO.
**1/2

Abyss comes out to attack Rhino, until Joe and Angle come out to save. Christian and AJ then come out for the beatdown on Team Angle.

TONIGHT: JIM CORNETTE MAKES MATCHES IN THE RING TO END THE SHOW

In the back, Team Cage celebrates. REMEMBER IN IWO JIMA WHEN PEARL HARBOR BOMBED THE GERMANS? IT'S JUST LIKE THAT. HEH. Christian says they've already won at Lockdown and says they're going to the strip club to celebrate, but tells Abyss to stay behind because he'll scare women off, and they tell him to clean up the mess in the locker room.

Match #2: LAX w/ Konnan vs. Voodoo Kin Mafia
Well, this sucked. LAX somehow can't fucking beat the novelty nostalgia act and they get DQ'd for using the titles.
*

Team 3D comes out to save.

In the back, Joe and Rhino yell at Angle for only having 3 men on the team and Joe says if he won't be a real leader, he'll step up and find two more guys. Angle says Sting hasn't returned his calls, but he has another guy in mind.

Bob Backlund is in the crowd reading a book and Tenay says that is the wrestling rule book. WHAT?>!

Match #2: Austin Starr vs. Senshi [Submission Match]
Fun 5 minutes with a horrible finish. Starr hurts Senshi's leg and gets a Half Crab. Senshi can't get out, so Backlund tosses in the towel. Horrible. Doesn't work well at all when Senshi is only in the hold for like 30 seconds.
**1/4

Bob puts Starr in the Chickenwing again, and Senshi is mad at Bob.

Sting/Abyss video again.

Jim Cornette comes out with the roster at ringside. He books an X Title Xscape Match for Lockdown, then Gail vs. Jackie, then Lynn vs. Daniels, and then Roode vs. Petey. He says Harris wants Storm and he has to even the odds, so he books them in a Blindfold Match. He talks about Lethal Lockdown and Christian comes out and says his team will not be held responsible for what happens to Angle's team. I guess the strip club sucked? Cornette says Christian promised everyone title shots, but he doesn't get to give those out. He says whoever gets the pin at Lockdown will get the title shot at Sacrifice, and yeah. The rest of Team Cage then comes out to attack Team Angle in the ring, but Sting comes out to save, and I guess he is now on the team.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


TNA Impact
April 12th, 2007
Orlando, FL


The four members of Team Angle are in the ring to open the show and Sting says one person is missing. Angle says he's not letting this secret go yet, and Joe yells to tell them. He says he's starting to think Kurt Angle doesn't even have anybody, and it's time for Kurt to step up. Angle swears on the American flag that they will have a fifth man by the end of the night.

Match #1: Chris Sabin vs. Jay Lethal
Lethal is now in full on Black Machismo gear. They showed a lot of potential for an actual great match here, as they got like 4 minutes and had a really great spotfest. Lethal wins with a really beautiful Flying Elbow.
**1/4

In the back, Laticia interviews Team Cage. They all argue about who will get the pinfall and Christian says he's disappointed that they're putting themselves before the team, and says he'll just have to get the pin himself.

In the back, Roode makes Eric Young sit facing the corner and says not to move.

Match #2: Robert Roode/Jackie Moore w/ Ms. Brooks & James Storm vs. Petey Williams/Gail Kim
This took place for like a minute. Roode rolls up Petey to win after a Storm distraction.
3/4*

Harris runs out but is hit with a 2 on 1 by the future Beer Money. Eric Young comes out with the chair, and Roode dares Eric to hit him so he can fire him, and threatens to fire him if he hits it, so Eric puts it down.

In the back, JB tries to interview Daniels, but he refuses to talk.

LAX comes out with the abducted Brother Runt, and Konnan says they're not going to be treated like a joke anymore, and they're going to make an example right now. Konnan pulls put a legitimate stun gun, not the cattle proud usually used for this stuff, but a real police stun gun, and Spike takes it right on the chest! Team 3D runs out to save.

Match #3: Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles
This is good as usual, and less infuriatingly short than their earlier match. They get about 7 minutes, so it's the longest and thus best Impact match yet! They have some great exchanges, and this clearly works better with Joe as heel and AJ as face. Ref bump happens and Joe gets The Choke. Both teams come out to fight and Joe is involved. AJ goes for the Clash, BUT BREE WOO BREE WOO BREE WOO WOO! JARRETT COMES OUT AND HITS AJ WITH THE GUITAR! JARRETT SIGNALS THAT HE'S #5, AND JOE PINS AJ!
**3/4
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: LAX, Since 10/22/2006 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007


Posted Image

TNA LOCKDOWN 2007
APRIL 25TH, 2007
ST. CHARLES, MO


TNA somehow fucks up a steel cage:

Posted Image

It's plastic and doesn't look nearly as painful when they hit it. At least the blue bar cage looked like it hurt. They also held some of the plastic cables together with fucking duct tape. Holy shit.

Match #1: Chris Sabin [c] vs. Alex Shelley vs. Jay Lethal vs. Shark Boy vs. Sonjay Dutt [TNA X Division Championship - Xscape Match]
Decent enough spotfest. You've got 3 great wrestlers out of 5. Sabin and Shelley spend most of the match teaming up, so that's great. Sabin and Shelley have some great bumps and sells, and they do a good job by getting it down to them vs. Jay Lethal. The future MCMG gives Sharkie the boot after a Double Legdrop thing off the top. Somehow this warrants a THIS IS AWESOME chant. They smartly only let Dutt in at the end for 2 minutes to do spots, and he is gone after the Cradle Shock, and then Lethal beats Shelley with the Flying Elbow. Lethal vs. Sabin rules, and it looks like they get a real feud coming off of this. They race over and Sabin gets Lethal's leg stuck in the plastic and gets down to win.
**3/4

In the back, Team Cage is celebrating and Christian says his team already has the match won. Christian says they're all winners but Abyss, who is an idiot. Abyss wants to fight them, but Mitchell threatens to call the cops. Christian says Team Angle has a traitor and has says his name is J-E-DOUBLE F! HA HA!

Match #2: Robert Roode w/ Eric Young & Ms. Brooks vs. Petey Williams
Roode orders Young to sit ringside and for Ms. Brooks to make sure he stays out of it. This sucks. Roode is not a carryjob guy, he's a guy who does little things well and can contribute a ton when better guys are there to guide the match. Petey is the worst in the company, so he drags Roode down. Eric stops use of the hockey stick, and Roode wins anyways with the Payoff.
*1/2

Hype video for Jackie/Gail.

Match #3: Jackie Moore vs. Gail Kim
This was not much. They tried hard, I guess, and it was less horrible than Roode/Petey. Gail comes off the top with a Crossbody that barely connects to win.
*1/2

Match #4: Senshi vs. Austin Starr [Special Referee: Bob Backlund]

This was good. Solid action, but nothing great by any means. Starr shoves Backlund after a 2 count, so Backlund shoves him back into a roll up by Senshi for the win.
**1/2

In the back, JB asks Samoa Joe what he thinks about Jarrett being on their team, and Joe says for Kurt's integrity and intensity, he has no damn intelligence.

Hype video for Storm/Harris.

Match #5: Chris Harris vs. James Storm [Blindfold Match]
Of course this sucked. There's no such thing as a good blindfold match. They spend about a third of this feeling around the ring before making contact. They work the stip well enough, but then this match type is also inherently retarded. The ref keeps having to put the bags back over their heads. Storm peeks under to hit a Superkick and he puts his back on to win.
3/4*

Hype video for Daniels/Lynn for some reason.

Match #6: Christopher Daniels vs. Jerry Lynn
This is super robotic and the definition of average, but it's not totally fucking terrible, which puts it in the top half of matches on this show. This is the first match to actually use the cage, which both shows how awful the cage is, and how useless having every match in a cage is. Daniels wins with the Last Rites.
**1/2

In the back, the Dudleys have all their other tag titles and they are clearly replica belts. They say stuff.

Hype video for LAX/Team 3D.

Match #7: LAX [c] vs. Team 3D [NWA World Tag Team Championship - ELECTRIFIED STEEL CAGE MATCH]
The lights were blue for some reason. There's a vague humming sound coming from the sound system. There are also moments where they hit the cage on accident and nothing happens. Konnan comes out and tries to climb with rubber gloves, but Hector Guerrero comes out to stop it, and slides table in. The cage is finally used, AND THE LIGHTS FLASH A FEW TIMES AS A BUZZ SOUND IS MADE AHAHAHAHAGGAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The crowd clearly turns on the match now and chants to fire Russo. Hernandez clearly does not give a fuck and climbs up the cage just fine before trying a Splash off the top, but misses to go through the table. Homicide takes another horrible cage bump for the special effects, and Team 3D wins the belts with the 3D. Awful.
*3/4

Hype video for the main event.

Harley Race is brought out to be in charge of the door.

Match #8: Kurt Angle/Samoa Joe/Sting/Jeff Jarrett/Rhino vs. Christian Cage/AJ Styles/Abyss/Scott Steiner/Tomko [Lethal Lockdown]
Angle decides to start for his team against AJ, which is the decision that stops this from being great. 2006's was laid out very smartly in terms of entrances, but Angle is the guy who's probably the worst guy on his team. And yes, Rhino is probably better, because he at least knows his limitations. The entrance order continues to be baffling as Abyss and Rhino are #2, and AJ has to do the work for everyone. Then we get Tomko and Joe and Joe kicks ass in this. Tomko is a solid hand too by now. Steiner and Sting are #4 for their teams, AND THE FRANKENSTEINER RETURNS! Christian is last, and so is Jarrett. Jarrett is all fired up and shit. The fact that they don't have a real cage is what hurts this the most though. With War Games, it's all about the brutality of the cage and the gimmick. It's this knock down drag out bloody war, and with a cage nobody can bump in and a ceiling that's too high, you just get this clusterfuck of 10 guys doing stuff in the ring. Anyways, Jarrett proves himself as being a changed man. Angle and AJ fight on the roof and everyone fights to floor blatantly for Angle to knock AJ off and onto people. Jarrett smashes the guitar on Abyss and lets Sting cover him for the win, so Sting gets the title match.
**1/4

Jarrett offers handshakes to everyone, and everyone but Angle shakes his hand.

FUCK YOU.

I DID IT.

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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

NWA World Heavyweight Champion: Christian Cage, Since 1/14/2007
NWA World Tag Team Champions: Team 3D, Since 4/15/2007
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin, Since 1/14/2007 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY


TNA Impact
April 19th, 2007
Orlando, FL


Mike Tenay brings out Jeff Jarrett to open the show, and he gets on the mic. He says he's thought about his life and his career for the last six months, and he's decided to give back for once. He says he has to make something right, but Kurt Angle comes out. Angle says Jarrett just handed Sting an NWA Title shot, and he needs to make things right with him. Sting comes out and says he went to hell and back with Abyss, and asks why Kurt thinks he's the leader of TNA. He says Kurt hasn't even been doing this 10 years, and if it wasn't for people like him, Kurt would be a gym teacher. He says if Kurt wants his spot and title shot, he challenges him to come take it from him next week, and Kurt accepts. Well, still monumentally retarded to give away KURT ANGLE VS. STING on TV, but at least they're trying to build to it now.

TONIGHT: TEAM 3D VS. CHRISTIAN/ABYSS FOR THE TAG TITLES

In the back, the former Team Cage is interviewed. Christian says Abyss lost them the match at Lockdown, but he can make it up to them tonight.

Match #1: Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles vs. Christopher Daniels vs. Rhino
They got 5 minutes, so this was great for Impact. Daniels comes out in a Sting mask and with a bat. The exchanges not involving Rhino are as great as you would expect. Tons of awesome AJ/Joe stuff, and Daniels hits Rhino with the bat for the win after Joe and AJ fight on the floor.
**1/2

In the back, JB interviews Kurt Angle and he says Sting made the biggest mistake of his career tonight.

Match #2: Chris Harris vs. Robert Roode w/ Ms. Brooks & Eric Young
Harris is still under an eyepatch, but I guess Cornette no longer gives a fuck about not getting sued? This is a great match for the 3-4 minutes it gets. So great that it makes you sad Harris left TNA in 2008 or whenever, because him and a random babyface (even a series of them) vs. Beer Money would have been fantastic. You could get Beer Money vs. Harris/AJ, Harris/Daniels, Harris/Joe, maybe even Harris/Eric Young for a perfect sense of duality between the teams. Brooks pulls the ref out and blames it on Eric. Storm comes out to distract Harris and Roode hits him with a pair of handcuffs to win.
**1/4

Eric shoves Brooks and Roode slaps Eric and throws him into the ring. He says he's going to beat up Eric's "friend" at Sacrifice and says he had no problem beating his friend at Lockdown. Eric says he likes Petey, but that's not who his friend is. Roode says he owns him and says he has one week to tell him who his friend is, or he'll fire him next week.

In the back, Nash talks to Lethal and Shelley, Dutt is mad that Nash didn't help him and tells him to stick it.

Konnan comes out to do commentary.

Match #3: Team 3D [c] vs. Christian Cage/Abyss w/ Father James Mitchell [NWA World Tag Team Championship]
Well. Christian tried his best. Everyone else is totally useless. Abyss is beat with the 3D. What a rube.
*1/2

Christian and Mitchell yell at Abyss, and Abyss finally hits Mitchell! Steiner, Tomko, and AJ come out to attack Abyss, and they beat the shit out of him. They beat him down with many chair shots and barbed wire bat shots. AND STAY GONE, YOU FUCK.
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