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Simon Watches WWE - 2012
Topic Started: May 12 2013, 05:02 PM (12,937 Views)
Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Zack Ryder, Since 12/18/2011
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: Air Boom, Since 8/22/2011
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE Raw
January 2nd, 2012
Memphis, TN


TONIGHT: PUNK/ZIGGLER FOR THE WWE TITLE!

A recap of Kane's promo from last week opens the show, getting everyone to end Raw by chanting "CENA SUCKS!"

John Cena comes out to open the show, and he gets on the mic. He says 2011 didn't end great for him, but it's a new day and a new year, and he wishes everyone a happy new year. He says he's going to make some changes to himself in 2012, and I assume he means he's going to become a totally unlikable character. He says he's going to start wearing less underwear, his father is banned from WWE TV after "This is Your Life", and the third is his resolution to slap the face off of The Rock's neck and win the biggest match in the history of the WWE and prove that he's lost his lady parts. So, he had lady parts? He says he will remain firm and his convictions will remain true, and "hustle, loyalty, and respect" doesn't fall apart when someone throws fire. He says a man isn't judged by how much he's loved, but how much he gets up when his back is against the wall, which makes no sense. If your back is to the wall, you're already up. He then is all like DERP YOU CAN BOO ME IF YOU WANT. You condescending prick. He says Kane is upset with him as a person, so he wants to turn his back on everyone, but that's not how he works. Kane's voice comes on and says he WILL embrace the hate, and he will witness the true power of hate tonight. EMBRACE THE HAT.

Creepy video airs. THANK GOD THIS WENT SOMEWHERE COOL.

THIS WEEK ON SMOCKDAWN: BRYAN VS. THE BIG SHOW FOR THE WORLD TITLE! CODY VS. BOOKER T III FOR THE IC TITLE!

Match #1: Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes
Really fun 3 minutes, these two work well together. Cody works on the arm with some solid work for about 90 seconds, and Danielson's selling is great as always. Cody looks good dominating, and Danielson's offense is good when it gets in. He counters something into his usual super-tight Small Package for the win. MR. SMALL PACKAGE IS BACK!
**

Clips air of R-Truth's return attack on The Miz from last week. And now he's horrible again. :(

In the back, The Miz comes into Big Johnny's office. Johnny says R-Truth was unprofessional last week, and he doesn't agree with it. Miz asks if that's it and Johnny says R-Truth does have reason to attack him and he's obviously scared. He says he'll have people keep an eye on R-Truth, and books Miz vs. Sheamus. God damnit, Johnny. Miz says he'll be a sitting duck, and Johnny says it's better than a lame duck. Miz storms off and the camera watches him walk to the curtain, AND R-TRUTH IS WATCHING! This feud was pretty cool the first few weeks.

THE 25TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE ROYAL RUMBLE BAH GAWD. Neat that they're advertising the 2013 Rumble already. Footage airs of Duggan winning in 1988.

Before his match, Wade Barrett gets on the mic. He says he doesn't care about your new or old year, but it's already been a fantastic 2012. Because it's a 2012 devoid of Randy Orton! He says he didn't plan on what he did on Smackdown, but it was either him or Randy, and he became a victim. He says he's looking forward to winning the Royal Rumble and main eventing WrestleMania, because nobody can deny him. Santino comes up and says he was the runner up last year, and in this year, the Wade Barrett Garage is going to get run over by the Santino Marella Choo Choo Trains.

Match #2: Wade Barrett vs. Santino Marella
This happened. Wade wins with the Winds of Change. Not a lot here.
3/4*

In the back, The Miz is paranoid as he gets to the curtain.

Sheamus and The Miz come out, and The Miz attacks Sheamus before the bell. Sheamus fights back and just DESTROYS Miz with the rope forearms, so Miz flees through the crowd. He sees R-Truth and he says he was watching in the crowd, and he ran into Little Jimmy. He talks to the invisible child and says he doesn't like The Miz. Little Jimmy says Miz needs to get got, so Miz flees, but turns into the Brogue Kick, because Sheamus loves his cheap shots. He leaves and Truth comes over AND BAH GAWD WATER BOTTLE OF DEATH!

In the back, Josh is with Dolph Ziggler, and he is doing a headstand to show off. He gets up and Josh asks about the match. Ziggler says he pinned the WWE Champion as easily is that headstand. He says their country is in debt, our kids are fat and dumb, test scores destroyed by states like Tennessee, but he's a walking surplus. Talent, athleticism, you name it, he's got it. Everything he's ever wanted, he has, except for one thing, the WWE Title. He tells everyone to save those ticket stubs, because this is an event. Later.

In the back, Zack Ryder hits on Eve. LOL. Swagger comes over and says there's an impostor with the US Title and says he was born to wear that title, and he'll take his title. Big Johnny comes over and he books a six man elimination tag of Swagger, MOK, and Kane vs. Cena, Big Show, and Ryder.

Match #3: CM Punk [c] vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero [WWE Championship]
They get 10+ minutes, so this is great. Not as awesome as their 2011 match, but this is more angled at the end. They have some really good back and forth for ten minutes, and both men get to show off. Ziggler takes huge bumps, and Punk has some as well. Some cool counters and bits of offense, and Big Johnny comes out when the top turnbuckle pad falls off. He argues with the ref about it, and the ref misses Dolph tapping to the Anaconda Vice. Punk is mad, and he throws Ziggler into Johnny! He tries the GTS, but Dolph shoves him to the ropes, and Johnny lowbridges him out to the floor. Punk is barely counted out, so Ziggler wins again!
***

Post-match, Ziggler takes the title and celebrates into the crowd.

Match #4: The Bella Twins vs. Eve/Kelly Kelly
This is a match, and it happened for 2 minutes. Twin magic enables a roll up to give the Bellas a win.
1/2*

In the back, Big Johnny and Otunga are in his office when CM Punk storms in. He says he's robbed him twice now and he almost cost him the WWE Title this week. He says far be it for him to be disrespectful, but he's a real -- Johnny stops him and he says his problem is with Dolph Ziggler, and he books Punk/Ziggler at the Royal Rumble. He's assigned a referee who has the respect of everyone, and says it's him. He says David Otunga may become useful after the Royal Rumble, because if he screws him out of the title, he's going to want to sue him, because he'll be in jail.

Hey, Chris Jericho's back. He says nothing. Flashy jacket is awesome though.

The main event is up, but Kane never comes out, and it's a handicap match.

Match #5: John Cena/The Big Show/Zack Ryder vs. Mark Henry/Jack Swagger [Elimination Match]
This is like 5 minutes, and hey, whatever. It happens. Cena has a nice offensive early on, doing his best actual dropkick ever. Show and MOK get in, and Show hits Henry with a chair for a DQ to even the sides. Henry is then counted out, and it's then Swagger all alone. He shits his pants basically and loses to the FU.
*3/4

Cena and Ryder celebrate, and Kane's music hits. Cena goes to the ramp to meet him, BUT KANE COMES THROUGH THE RING AND KILLS ZACK. He cuts off Cena on the floor and takes him out with The Claw. He thinks about dragging Cena, but instead goes to drag Ryder under. Cena saves, but then fire shoots out of the hole in the ring, as Kane has gone back to Hell.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Zack Ryder, Since 12/18/2011
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: Air Boom, Since 8/22/2011
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE NXT
January 4th, 2012
Little Rock, AR


REGAL'S BACK! WOO!

Regal: My mother in law came to see me while I was ill and said she was going to dance on my grave. I said, "Good. I'm getting buried at sea, you old cow."

In the ring, Striker announces Bateman/D-Young in the main event. He then brings out "THE NATURAL" MICHAEL MCGILLICUTTY! He still has his stupid hat on. He says he has arrived and says this show sucks. He says he remembers being on NXT, and it gave him nothing. HE JUMPED JOHN CENA, HE WAS IN THE NEXUS. Not because of NXT, because nobody sees him coming. He says nobody will stop him from being a success, AND ALEX RILEY COMES OUT! SAY IT TO MY FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE. He's still weirdly over, and goes for the cheap pop. He says he knows firsthand that joining a group and taking cheap shots doesn't make you a big man or a star, and you have to earn it yourself. Riley challenges him tonight, and the match is on!

Match #1: Michael McGillicutty vs. Alex Riley
I was weirdly impressed with Hennig here. He's slowly getting more comfortable, and with that, he breaks out some nice new offense. A-Ri was fired up and tried hard, but he is not very good. Joe works well as a bruiser, but he's still inexperienced, so about 60-70% of his stuff looks great. JOE GETS A GREAT LOOKING ORTONLOCK! Joe could use like 6-9 months on the road with a veteran to beat him into being a great wrestler, like Benoit did or Finlay and Regal did for young guys in the 2000s. Shame there's really nobody in that position. Riley has a decent Flying Forearm though! A-Ri wins with the TKO.
**

Last week, Maxine walked out on Bateman and made out with Johnny Curtis!

In the back, Bateman talks to Kaitlyn and says he's done with it. She says this is the Derrick Bateman she wants to see and he's better off without her. Bateman says it's a clean break, and Maxine and Johnny Curtis come over. She talks shit and Kaitlyn is bored and makes weird sounds at Maxine. Bateman says he's going to enjoy this relationship go down in flames. Maxine makes out with Curtis and leaves, and Bateman is mad and leaves. Kaitlyn and Curtis are there, and he's like "sup?" He asks if she wants to get weird, and she leaves.

Match #2: Kaitlyn vs. Maxine
Maxine's gear is THE BEST. This is like a minute and Maxine wins with a sweet Dragon Sleeper.
1/2*

RAW REBOUND!

In the back, Trent Baretta and Yoshi Tatsu have superglued Tyler Reks' hands to his 360 controller.

Match #3: Trent Baretta vs. Curt Hawkins
Yoshi and Reks are on the floor, and Reks is still stuck to the controller. Solid 6 minutes. They don't do a ton of flashy stuff and what they do is very much 2006 indy offense that everyone's seen before, and it's your WWE Midcard Moves match, for lack of a better word for it. You know it when you see it. Trent wins with a Springboard Tornado DDT.
**1/2

Match #4: Derrick Bateman vs. Darren Young

Another fun match, but the angle at the end crippled it. D-Young continues to impress and hit hard, AND BATEMAN BREAKS OUT THE CHRIS BENOIT MISSILE DROPKICK OFF THE APRON! ALSO HAS A SWEET FLYING FOREARM! DUDE'S ONE GOOD TOPE SUICIDA AWAY FROM BEING ONE OF MY FAVORITES! He has it won, but Curtis and Maxine come out to announce they're getting married in two weeks, and D-Young capitalizes with Death by Roderick for the win.
**1/4
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Zack Ryder, Since 12/18/2011
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: Air Boom, Since 8/22/2011
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE Smackdown
January 6th, 2012
Little Rock, AR


TONIGHT: THOSE TITLE MATCHES!

Match #1: Cody Rhodes [c] vs. Booker T [WWE Intercontinental Championship]
This was good stuff. Booker had his best performance yet, and actually looked better than Cody here. Cody did a lot of meandering punch/kick stuff and seemed kind of exposed. And maybe that's because in the last year, he has been exposed somewhat, that I'm seeing it now. Anyways, yeah. Cody gains a lot from kicking out of the Scissors Kick, and then he hits the Beautiful Disaster to win.
**1/2

In the back, Cody bumps into Dustin! YEAH! Dustin congratulates him and Cody asks if this is flattery. He says they don't speak, and he has nothing of use to say to him ever. He says he's more of a success than him and he might even go on to top dad. He says if he's considering throwing on the paint and making one more run, he should remember that he's a joke, but he's not a laughing stock. But that can change real quick, and he can just ask Booker T. Glad this panned out!

In the back, Zack Ryder resigns as Assistant to the GM to focus on being US Champion. LOL. He says he got a replacement, and Drew McIntyre comes in! TEDDEH. Zack says that's not him, and he brings in Santino and leaves. Santino reminds Teddy that he warned Drew about losing and he lost, so Drew threatens him. Teddy books them in a match and says if Santino wins, he can be his assistant. Drew storms off and Aksana comes to make the fuck.

In the back, AJ and Alicia Fox talk. Alicia says she hopes her boyfriend's ego can handle a loss, and Daniel Bryan comes over. He asks what that was, and says he beat The Big Show to win the title. She leaves, and Daniel says he can't believe she's friends with her. AJ says she's concerned, that's all. Daniel asks if she doesn't think he can win, and she says no, so he stops listening and says that's great, and says they can celebrate later, before he kisses her head and leaves.

Match #2: Hornswoggle vs. Heath Slater [Over The Top Rope Challenge]
This ruled. Total comedy match with hilarious midget spots for a minute or two. Hornswoggle is on the apron and pulls Slater over by the hair to win.
*1/4

Slater attacks post-match, but Justin Gabriel makes the save. He then hits the 450 Splash on Slater.

Before the next match, Hunico says he knows DiBiase likes his Posse's parties, but they've never been invited, and asks if they're not good enough and asks why he's disrespecting them.

Match #3: Ted DiBiase vs. Hunico w/ Camacho
Fun Hunico squash. He destroys Ted's arm with some really inventive stuff before wrapping him up in a whacky lucha pin for the win.
*3/4

Wade Barrett comes out, and he gets on the mic. He repeats that he doesn't regret what he did to Randy Orton, and he says the Royal Rumble is going to be in Randy Orton's hometown of St. Louis, but he won't be able to be there, and he'll have to watch him win the Royal Rumble! Sheamus then comes out and tells another stupid Irish tale about an uncle. He says Wade will have some problems at the Rumble, and he's going to be the biggest one. Jinder fucking Mahal then comes out and he slaps Sheamus. Sheamus fights him, but Wade gets in, and he hits the Wasteland! He leaves, and Jinder puts Sheamus in the Camel Clutch and makes him humble.

Match #4: Santino Marella vs. Drew McIntyre
Good 3 minutes, Drew is still really good. Great bumps, nasty looking strikes, and this being the WWE, he then jobs to the Cobra. Motherfuck.
*3/4

In the back, Teddeh says that's strike two.

Match #5: Air Boom vs. The Colons w/ Rosa Mendes
This is a good match, Bourne works well with the Colons, and drags Kofi to something resembling a good match. Only 4 minutes though. Colons carry Kofi through the control seg, and Bourne's hot tag rules and Josh tells me Epico went to my school! Nice! So that's Cabana, Bruce Campbell, and Epico. Bourne is still being punished for being a fucking moron and RVD'ing his big push that everyone had waited like 4-5 years for. Primo pulls Epico away from Air Bourne and covers to win.
**

In the back, Matt Striker interviews The Big Show. He says he never underestimates his opponents, but he's pretty confident, since he's conscious now. He says not to take anything away from Bryan, because he's a good wrestler, and Bryan comes over. Bryan says he's right, he's a VERY good wrestler, but he throws it away like it's nothing, like he didn't work his entire life to be a good wrestler. He came out of the womb this way, but if he had his size, he never would have lost his first title in 2002, and wouldn't have the shortest reign ever. Big Show puts his hand on his shoulder and says not to make him hurt him tonight. Daniel says to get his damn hand off of his shoulder.

Side note, the turn rationale is amazing, and also displays amazing multi-promotional character continuity. Bryan Danielson was always cool on various indies with not being the center of attention, because he wasn't that level of an egomaniac. He wanted the spotlight, but being acknowledged as the best wrestler was always more important. Where he always snapped was when people didn't consider him the best in the world, or lost respect for him. He originally got aggressive with Roderick Strong because of "NEXT WORLD CHAMP!" chants and that began his heel run. He turned on Samoa Joe because people still thought he was The Man. So here, Danielson finds himself thrust into the spotlight while also being considered an illegitimate and paper champion, and this just makes sense.

NEXT WEEK: SHEAMUS VS. JINDER

Match #6: Natalya vs. Tamina
Under 2 minutes, but it's the best women's match of the week. They beat each other up and hit hard, and Tamina wins with the Superfly Splash.
*

RAW REBOUND!

Mark Henry comes out to do commentary.

Match #7: Daniel Bryan [c] vs. The Big Show [World Heavyweight Championship]
This was a really perfect big/little match for the time they got. Bryan runs around and takes huge bumps, but also uses his intelligence to take over. Big Show does a great job too, with some awesome shots early on, before he starts to sell a ton for Bryan's offense to put him over. Bryan starts to realize he might not be able to win, and after Show powers out, he rolls out. He gets in MOK's face, so MOK shoves him down. Bryan looks to the ref, and he sort of shrugs and calls a DQ! BRYAN RETAINS!
**3/4
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Zack Ryder, Since 12/18/2011
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: Air Boom, Since 8/22/2011
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE Raw
January 9th, 2012
Corpus Christi, TX


Kane comes out to open the show on the mic and says he sees and hears everything people say. They question him, wondering why he embraces hate. He says not only is this predictable, but everyone asking this is in denial, because they all hate their lives and stomach it. They don't embrace it, out of fear or delusions of hope, and that's what John Cena does. He says when they Cena, what they should see is their own failures, and when they say "CENA SUCKS!", what they're really saying is that they suck. They suck for refusing to embrace the hate and they think cheering an underdog makes them good and decent, and to look at Zack Ryder. They made him a star, and that proves nothing, because he was seconds away from dragging that vessel to Hell. Kane says Cena delayed the inevitable, and he gets what he wants, and those are consequences. Cena finally comes out and they fight into the crowd and to the back. They have a horrible brawl outside and after Kane knocks Cena into some boxes, he just vanishes.

Match #1: Sheamus/Santino Marella vs. Wade Barrett/Jinder Mahal
Decent 3 minutes. I say decent, because Sheamus vs. Wade is a really fun match, but their partners are kind of useless, and Jinder is outright awful. Sheamus hits Jinder with the Brough Kick, and Santino follows up with the Cobra to win.
*3/4

In the back, The Miz again complains to Big Johnny. He says he brought this on himself, and he has a lot on his plate, especially being the referee at the Royal Rumble. He says it's also the debut of Brodus Clay tonight! Miz wants a security force so Johnny tells him to find his own protection. He's not Little Jimmy, he's Big Johnny.

TONIGHT: PUNK VS. SWAGGER

HALL OF FAME 2012'S FIRST INDUCTEE: EDGE! That is entirely ridiculous. Give him some fucking time before he goes in, god damn.

In the back, The Miz tries to recruit Mason Ryan, but he refuses.

In the back, Zack Ryder is talking on the phone when Eve comes over. He hangs up and says he almost got taken out, but he doesn't like to live in fear, so he asks Eve out. She says yes, but says she has to wait until after her match tonight. Zack says he can wait, and he walks off. The closet door opens, and Kane steps out.

Match #2: Daniel Bryan vs. Kofi Kingston
This is a minute. I'm all for Kofi's time being limited, but why even bother? Daniel catches him off the top and into the LeBell Lock to win.
*

Bryan celebrates and starts to yell "YES!" for the first time. The Big Show then comes out and talks about last week. Bryan says he feels like he feels, and he hates how Mark Henry got involved, and this title is much too prestigious for their match to end on a DQ, and he'll give him a rematch whenever he wants, because he's a fighting champion. Show says he's happy he feels that way, because so does Teddy Long, and they're going to gave a rematch this Friday night, and it's going to be No DQ, No Count Out! He offers his hand, and Daniel is clearly upset, but shakes his hand. Show asks up close if he thinks he's stupid, and he leaves. This rules.

Brodus clay debuts, and he is a dancing machine. This is the best.

Match #3: Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactyls vs. Curt Hawkins
This was a minute, but it was a good squash. He wins with a Crossbody.
*

In the back, Miz tries to get The Colons and Rosa on his side, but it also does not work well. They leave, and CM Punk walks by. He laughs at Miz, and WALKS~.

Before Punk/Swagger, Big Johnny comes out and says to prove how fair and impartial he'll be at the Royal Rumble, if Punk can win this match, then both Vickie Guerrero and Jack Swagger will be banned from ringside at the Royal Rumble! He then books Cena/Ziggler in the main event.

Match #4: CM Punk vs. Jack Swagger w/ Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero
This was good, not great. Punk did a good job, and there wasn't anything wrong with this, but it just kind of existed due to Swagger refusing to ever do something interesting offense. It seemed like he might target the leg for the Ankle Lock, but that never happened. We got the awesome Tope Suicida -> Commercial spot. The ref clearly fucks up with a three count when Swagger kicks out of the Flying Elbow, and that ends it.
**1/2

In a rare moment of focus on actual stuff, Cole manages to turn the ref's error into saying that that's why Johnny is the referee at the Rumble, and if a call is blown then, it could cost Punk the WWE Title.

In the back, John Cena and Zack Ryder. Cena says he's got his back, but he can handle Kane if he comes for him. He leaves, and Ryder is all paranoid.

In the back, The Miz makes Ricardo be his back up, and tells him to say something horribly offensive to draw him out.

THEY MAKE UP FOR EDGE IN THE HOF BY FINALLY PUTTING THE FOUR HORSEMEN IN!

Ricardo is in the ring and he insults Truth's breath and clearly does not want to do this. Truth comes outand asks why he wants to fight him. He says he's not a bad man, HE'S A GOOD R-TRUTH. And that was the last semblance of 2011 Truth. He says Little Jimmy doesn't like him, and he wants him to turn him into a human pinata. He begs off so R-Truth makes him sing "La Cucaracha" before he hits Black Finisher. Miz jumps him and tries to be Tough Guy Miz, which is always awful. Truth fights him off, and chases him into the crowd. And like that, this became horrible.

Chris Jericho comes out, and is again unable to speak, being moved to tears.

Eve comes out for her match, but Kane's music hits instead. He doesn't come out, so Zack Ryder runs out and gets her to the back. They try to leave in the parking lot, but hilariously the car's tire is out. Zack tries to change a tire, but is somehow horrible at it. JUST RUN AWAY.

Match #5: John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler
This is a set up to an angle, but these two again work well together for the 5 minutes before the angle happens. They don't blow a lot of big stuff since it's clearly a nothing match, but they do quality work. As Cena comes back, Kane attacks Zack in the parking lot, and after 5 minutes of match, 5 of a commercial, and 2-3 of entrances, he's STILL taking off the original tire. Kane Chokeslams him off the ledge onto some air bags, and Cena goes out after Kane, so he's counted out.
**

Kane attacks Cena outside and chokes him out with the Claw.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

Evan Bourne vs. Michael McGillicutty, Superstars (January 12th)
Another nice showing from Joe as he develops. He's not as great offensively as vs. A-Ri, which is what I was hoping for in this match considering that Bourne is a bump freak, but his bumping is starting to show signs of his father. Not the insane bumps, but the nice little sells of things that people forget about with Perfect. Bourne is of course amazing, the best pure babyface in the company, etc. Big bumps, great offense, awesome fire and comeback. Bourne gets the win with Air Bourne.
**1/2
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Zack Ryder, Since 12/18/2011
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: Air Boom, Since 8/22/2011
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE NXT
January 11th, 2012
Laredo, TX


In the ring, Striker hypes up next week's 100th episode in Las Vegas. He brings out Alicia Fox. They talk about her former-rookie Maxine, but Maxine comes out to save this and says this is great, but she's taking up space in her ring and she has even less use for her now. Alicia calls her stubborn and belligerent and they set up a match.

Match #1: Alicia Fox vs. Maxine
This happens. Alicia is still not good. Maxine is nice though, and she loses to a shitty O'Connor Roll.
3/4*

Match #2: Trent Baretta vs. Tyler Reks w/ Curt Hawkins

Solid 4-5 minute mid card moves match. Trent again has a sweet dive, but then Reks unfortunately dominates. He does stuff, and whatever. Trent wins with a backslide.
**

Hawkins and Reks attack post-match, but Yoshi Tatsu runs out to save.

In the back, Bateman and Gabriel talk, and Bateman says Maxine is horrible, but nothing happened between he and Aksana. Gabriel says Aksana got texts from him, so Bateman checks his phone and says he never sent those. Gabriel says it looks like someone stole his phone then.

Match #3: The Usos vs. Tyson Kidd/JTG
Usos are another classic case like Chris Masters or Drew McIntyre where they got overpushed initially and weren't ready, but quietly improved on b-shows. They're not as good as either of those Superstars MVPs, but they're a good tag team by this point. Kidd and JTG are good, but this was only like 3 minutes. One of the Usos hits JTG with a Superkick to win.
*3/4

RAW REBOUND!

Match #4: Alex Riley vs. Johnny Curtis w/ Maxine
Curtis wins with a Brainbuster in like a minute. Weird.
1/2*

Derrick Bateman comes out, and says he knows what he did. He says he doesn't know how he did it, but next week, this ends.

Darren Young comes out and says he's the most dominant man on NXT and he's beaten every other rookie. He says he hears Titus O'Neil is here tonight, but he's not man enough to come into his ring, because he runs NXT. Titus then comes out and D-Young call him a loser like everyone else. Titus leads a dog bark and says he's back after what he did. Titus mentions how this isn't really even a game anymore and Striker's given up on competitions or points, but they're both still here, and challenges him to settle it. Young says he liked NXT better when he was at home with his stupid kids, and Titus says to watch his tone, and to never talk about his kids. This is the worst. Just team already. They fight, and get pulled apart, so Striker books a No DQ match next week.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Zack Ryder, Since 12/18/2011
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: Air Boom, Since 8/22/2011
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE Smackdown
January 13th, 2012
Laredo, TX


TONIGHT: BRYAN/BIG SHOW FOR THE TITLE WITH NO DQ AND NO COUNT OUT!

Daniel Bryan comes out to open the show, and says he wants to set the record straight. He says this is a dream come true for him, and he lives for defending this title. He says he beat The Big Show last week, and says he deserved the rematch for how briefly he held it. He says other champions might move on, but not him, because he's a fighting champion! He says now he has to tell his grandchildren that his first title defense ended by DQ. The fans booed and Daniel asks them not to believe people who say he got intentionally DQ'd, and says that is a load of dung. He says this stipulation is excessive, because all the problems came from Mark Henry, and he should be suspended. MOK then came out and asks if he hears this right, and says if he had got suspended, he would have got his money's worth. He says Big Show came out on Monday and told him about a meeting with Teddy, and he's here for the same thing. He says as a result of his wrongs, which wasn't wrong because it was his fault, he's banned from ringside tonight. Daniel taunts him, and MOK says he's wrong because it has everything to do with him. Because he's been promised that if he keeps his nose clean and stays out, that next week he'll get his title rematch!

Match #1: Justin Gabriel vs. Heath Slater
Fun match for the two and a half minutes it got. Both men had good offense and selling, and shit was generally crisp. Hornswoggle comes out for a distraction, and Gabriel wins with the 450 Splash.
*3/4

In the back, AJ tells Bryan how proud she is of him and says win, lose, or draw tonight, she loves him. She leaves, and Bryan says thanks, and starts to get an idea.

Cody Rhodes gets on the mic before the match, and says this is now his fifth month as champion, and he has surpassed Pedro Morales, Booker T, Goldust, and Tito Santana. Well, no. The first three, maybe. Pedro wasn't shit, and Booker was barely champion. Goldust wasn't at his best when he had the belt and never held it for very long. But Tito? Come on, man. Hasn't touched Tito's reigns in length or quality. Cody says he's going to cement his greatness by winning the Royal Rumble and being the first man since The Ultimate Warrior to leave WrestleMania with two singles titles.

Match #2: Cody Rhodes vs. Ezekiel Jackson
This is 2 minutes, and hey, whatever. Cody wins with the Disaster and then Cross Rhodes.
*1/2

Edge's HOF video airs again.

Hunico and Camacho come out to do commentary.

Match #3: Ted DiBiase vs. Drew McIntyre
They get four minutes now, and it's pretty good. Drew's strikes were great, and he broke out another one of his cool ring apron spots. Hunico tries to steal Booker T's gold ring on commentary. Ted is still just sort of there, and now he's aping mid-2000s NOAH offense. Ted hits the Dream Street to win. :(
**

Before the match, Jinder Mahal says he's glad nobody expects him to win the Royal Rumble, because it makes him that much more dangerous. Not when you say shit like that.

Match #4: Sheamus vs. Jinder Mahal
Another 4 minutes. I'm begging this show to have some real matches besides the main event. This is supposed to be the wrestling show. Jinder's offense is awful, and this was way too even. Sheamus finally wins with the Brogue Kick.
*3/4

In the back, AJ talks to The Big Show. She asks about tonight and says she doesn't want to see him get hurt, and she knows he'll do what he has to do, but says he's a good guy with a good heart. Show says he gets it, and his intention is to win the title, not hurt him. Daniel Bryan comes over and asks why he's after his girl AND his title. He says it's best if he leaves, and Show asks what that was. Show laughs and says that title's changed him, and not for the better. He says he won't have that problem after tonight, and walks off. Daniel asks AJ how much she loves him, and says they should talk.

Match #5: Santino Marella vs. David Otunga
WHY?! It's only 2 minutes, but oh my god, why? Bowtunga wins with the Air Raid Crash.
*1/4

The Four Horsemen's HOF video airs.

RAW REBOUND!

Match #6: Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactyls vs. Tyson Kidd
This is 15 seconds and Brodus wins with the Crossbody.
Stygian

In the back, Teddy dances to Brodus' music, before Aksana comes on to make fuck to weird music. They talk about the show being in Vegas next week, and she says she loves to hit on black. Teddy does a spit take.

Match #7: Tamina vs. Natalya
Another decent minute long match between the two. Tamina wins with the Superfly Splash.
3/4*

Wade Barrett comes out onto the stage with the mic and says some of them may have been impressed by the performance of the so-called Great White, but he was not. He isn't impressed by a big Irishman with a temper problem, BECAUSE THAT'S ALL OF THEM. He says he has class and civility, and is in control at all times. He says he will win the Royal Rumble, because he is Wade Barrett. Can of Crowd dislikes this. He challenges Sheamus to a match next week.

NEXT WEEK: SHEAMUS VS. WADE BARRETT, MARK HENRY'S TITLE SHOT AGAINST EITHER SHOW OR D-BRY

Match #8: Daniel Bryan [c] w/ AJ vs. The Big Show [World Heavyweight Championship - No DQ, No Count-Out]
This is another really good match. Danielson gets thrown around and gets desperate. He goes to the knees and uses a chair a lot, and Show foes a great job of gradually selling more and more, while also going from just trying to win to getting pissed off and wanting to hurt Bryan. It goes to the floor and Show runs after Bryan, but he bumps into AJ and she goes flying and is dead, so that ends the match.
**3/4

Both men are in shock and she gets stretchered out. Daniel yells at Big Show and says he can have the belt if he's going to be so reckless, and asks how he can be so reckless and says she's only 95 pounds. Daniel stops him from coming with AJ and says he's a bastard. AND YER MOMMA SAID SO.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Zack Ryder, Since 12/18/2011
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Colons, Since 1/15/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE Raw
January 16th, 2012
Anaheim, CA


MLK VIDEO!

TONIGHT: PUNK/BRYAN VS. ZIGGLER/MOK! RYDER/SWAGGER FOR THE US TITLE!

Mick Foley comes out to open the show and gets his cheap pop also plugging Disneyland. He says he enjoys his new nostalgiac non-physical role, because he's gotten to live out all of his dreams, including headlining WrestleMania in this very building, but he has one more dream. He says it would mean a lot to him for his new kids to see him in the ring and says he's here to announce his intention to enter the 2012 Royal Rumble! Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero come out and Ziggler says there's 30 precious spots, and he wants to show up and take one. Ziggler says superstars worked all year long for that, but he wants to show off for his bratty kids and make a fool of himself, and Foley just says yes. Ziggler says he went to one of his stand-up shows, and if this is one of his bits, it's really good, but if it's not, he would be in and out in a second. Mick says that could happen, and he loves it, but who's to say he might not draw a number in his favor, and magic isn't on his side for a fourth time? Ziggler says the last three weeks, he's beaten CM Punk AND John Cena, and he can't stand thinking that when he's the WWE Champion, Foley wins, because it would be the biggest letdown ever fighting an out of shape has been never was that good to begin with glorified stuntman that he is. Ziggler says it's over, and he needs to go home, buy a new shirt, eat a salad, AND JUST GO AWAY. CM Punk then comes out and says it's great to see Mick RIGHT HERE IN ANAHEIM, CA! Ziggler says they get their clothes from the same homeless person. Punk says they're both unconventional, because they don't look or talk or try to fit into some WWE mold, and they also don't hide behind a woman. A poor excuse for one, too. Punk says even with a referee in his back pocket, he'll still be the WWE Champion, because he's the best wrestler in the world. He says he's going to fight the winner of the Royal Rumble, and it would be damn cool if it was Mick Foley. Big Johnny then comes out and says he's taking Foley's request under consideration. He says he's thought about it, and his answer is no.

Air Boom lost the titles on a house show to punish Bourne for synthetic weed.

Match #2: The Colons [c] w/ Rosa Mendes vs. Air Boom [WWE Tag Team Championship]
This is a very good match up, even if for only 2 minutes. Some really cool spots, and Bourne is a great FIP while he can be. Kofi's hot tag is bad as usual also! Bourne gets back in for the kill, but gets distracted by Kofi being taken out on the floor. Epico pulls him off the top, and then hits the Lungblower to win.
**

In the back, Otunga gives Big Johnny an envelope containing the doctor's report on Zack Ryder. He leaves and sends Chris Jericho in. Johnny changes the main event to Punk/Bryan/Jericho vs. Ziggler/MOK/Otunga. Jericho smiles and then turns the lights off so his jacket can flash.

In the back, Zack Ryder is talking to Eve, and his stomach and tordo is all taped up. Josh asks if he's medically cleared, and Ryder says he's not. Eve says he's in no condition to compete, and Zack says he's not going to give up his title, so he has to go to the ring. Eve says she's going with him.

RAW REBOUND!

Match #2: Zack Ryder [c] w/ Eve vs. Jack Swagger w/ Vickie Guerrero [WWE U.S. Championship]
For the piece of infuriating booking it is, this is well done. Decent back work, and Ryder's selling was great. He kicks out of TWO Doctor Bombs before a third one gives Swagger the title. It'd be a great finish to get over his guts if midcard finishers meant anything in WWE or if it was emphasized at all.
**

In the back, Zack is being checked on. Johnny comes on and said he just saw the report, and he's not cleared. His bad. Eve yells at him.

Perez Hilton is the special guest ring announcer for the next match. Ugh.

Match #3: The Bella Twins vs. Kelly Kelly/Alicia Fox
This is under a minute, so nobody gives a shit. Perez stops the twin switch and Kelly gets a roll up to win.
1/4*

R-Truth comes out and gets on the mic, but thankfully, Wade Barrett cuts him off before he can say words. He asks if that's his real name, and says he's Wade Barrett, and he's going to win the 2012 Royal Rumble. He says they should all thank God that that old git Mick Foley is not in, but apparently this delusional lunatic is. Truth's all like "ELLO GUVNAH!" and says Little Jimmy thinks he talks funny, and asks why he's so mad. Truth then proves me wrong and cuts a hilarious promo to accompany a slideshow of him at Disneyland. He says he, Mickey, and Minnie are two peas in a pot. He says Pinochio's nose grew when he said Wade was winning the Rumble, and they animate it, and Truth says that's not PG. He believes a mouse can talk and an elephant can fly, but he can't believe that Wade Barrett will win the Rumble. The Miz comes from the crowd to attack, and Sheamus then saves. Teddy Long comes out and somehow has jurisdiction and books an over the top challenge. NOT A TAG TEAM MATCH?! WHAT?

Match #4: Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett vs. The Miz vs. R-Truth [Over The Top Rope Challenge]
This isn't much, lots of clubbering for four minutes. Everyone tosses Wade out early. Truth ends up tipping out Sheamus and Miz to win.
*1/2

In the back, Cena barges into Big Johnny's office, and he is mad. Johnny books Cena/Kane at the Rumble, and says since he has a lot of pent up anger, he books Cena vs. Swagger next.

John Cena comes out, and attacks Jack Swagger before the bell. He unloads this really awesome beating on Swagger and keeps slamming his face on the steps. He's about to murder him with the steps, but Kane's music hits. Cena gets in the ring to fight, but Kane comes on the tron from the back. He says Cena's finally getting it, and by the Royal Rumble, he hopes Cena will have embraced the hate. Kane then sets off his pyro.

Match #5: Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactyls vs. JTG
This is another minute long squash. The interesting part is that Brodus is announced as being "in captivity". Brodus wins with the Crossbody.
*

SMACKDOWN REBOUND!

Before the main event, Daniel Bryan gets on the mic and says Big Show is a cruel, inhospitable, freak, and he bowled over his 95 pound girlfriend AJ. He says she's been traumatized, and she will never be the same. The Big Show could have stopped, but he intentionally ran her over just to get to him, and to his title. He says Show never even apologized and cried like a blithering idiot, and those 1000% fake tears don't cut it. He says to never show his face on Smackdown again, and if he does, he'll make him pay. He then dedicates his match this Friday to his girlfriend AJ. She told him she loves him, and he appreciates that, and he's going to show her how much.

Match #6: CM Punk/Daniel Bryan/Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler/Mark Henry/David Otunga
This was good stuff, but booking got in the way of greatness. Jericho does nothing, and once he's tagged in, he hypes up the crowd, but then immediately tags back out and leaves. Danielson and Punk both have great work against Ziggler, since he's working most of this. MOK is still hurt, but has some nice moments. He winds up chasing Danielson to the back, and Mick Foley comes out! He tells the ref John told him he could be in, and he cleans house on Otunga and wins with Mr. Socko.
**1/2

Big Johnny comes out to the ring, and he says he never gave him permission to be in this match, so therefore, he has forced him to reverse the decision! Punk takes the mic and asked if he didn't like that. He asks if he finds him to be disrespectful, and tells him he's not going to do anything about it. He says Mick isn't involved in this, and tells Johnny to shut up and listen because it's time they laid their cards on the table. He hates him, yeah, but it's more about what Johnny isn't than what CM Punk is. See, the people don't know who he is, because when he was in "sports entertainment", he had The Look, but man, HE SUCKED. And that must have been hard, since his brother was half of the Road Warriors, and he never was much more than roadkill. Boring, with no charisma, vanilla. BORING. It kills him that he never made it to the WWE as a wrestler, so he put on a lame ass suit, and he stopped sucking and started sucking up. So it pains him to see that in the last year of his career, he's done more than he did in his entire life. Punk laughs and says there's no reason for him to even yell, because Johnny doesn't have an original thought in his head. He might try to screw him, but he'll fail, because he still sucks. He says he's jealous of who he is, where he comes from, and the fact that he is THE MAN NOW. It says he'll still be better than him no matter what, and all these people will do what he's finally wanted them to do, and that's talk about him. If he screws him, he won't put him to sleep, but he'll talk about him, because the Executive VP of Talent Relations will have looked like he just went through a meatgrinder after CM Punk kicked his ass. Punk cocks his fist and Johnny cowers, so Punk leaves. Johnny is mad and Foley laughs at him. Johnny picks up the mic and says his name and positions again, and says he is not pathetic and will not be intimidated. Foley says to at least have the decency to admit he intends to screw Punk at the Royal Rumble, and he calls him a kiss-ass. Johnny asks who he thinks he is and who he's talking to, and asks if he wants to know if he's going to screw CM Punk, AND SAYS HE'S DAMN RIGHT HE WILL. YEAH! He does his job well and he's tired of being disrespected and pushed around, and he's sick and tired of being bullied. Foley can't stop laughing AND JOHNNY KNOCKS OUT FOLEY WITH THE MIC.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Jack Swagger, Since 1/16/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Colons, Since 1/15/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE NXT
January 18th, 2012
Las Vegas, NV


TONIGHT: THE CURTIS/MAXINE WEDDING! TITUS/D-YOUNG NO DQ!

Since it's the 100th episode, Michael Cole comes back to do commentary and says he doesn't want to be here either. Aw man, it's just Cole and Josh.

Match #1: Titus O'Neil vs. Darren Young [No DQ]
This is weirdly very good. They don't use the stip AT ALL, but they hit hard and have some nice power spots. D-Young continues to be one of those awesome guys who uses apron offense. Cole KILLS it on commentary, again being amazing on NXT. Titus wins with Clash of the Titus.
**1/4

Titus gets on the mic and says he's put an end to this drama, and he wants to thank everybody. He thanks all of his dawgs in the house tonight, and an actual barking chant breaks out. He wants to thank them for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! YEAH! He calls out some broad in the crowd for being all like "AW HELL NO" and does the finger snapping, and says it's "AW HELL YES!" He says for 46 weeks, he's done stupid challenges for points that don't matter, and then they put him with a leprechaun for his pro, and after he taught him to speak, he waddles his fat ass to Smackdown. He says he's the star of this show, he's the star of every show. He says everyone else is dead weight to him, and says to get your popcorn ready, because now Titus O'Neil is really going to MAKE IT A WIN, you losers!

In the back, Johnny Curtis puts on his tuxedo t-shirt and blows a kiss at the mirror.

Match #2: Heath Slater vs. Percy Watson
This happens for 3 minutes. Percy is super super boring, and wins with some lame Fireman's Flapjack move.
*1/2

In the back, Maxine is freaking out about something. Curtis is now in the tuxedo shirt and a leather jacket, and says to chill. She leaves, and Kaitlyn walks by. Curtis stands in her way and says he didn't have a legitimate bachelor party, so if she wants to kill a few minutes, they could get weird. He asks if she wants to get weird, and she says he's so so creepy. She leaves, and Curtis starts to smile.

Match #3: Trent Baretta/Yoshi Tatsu vs. Curt Hawkins/Tyler Reks
This happened. Nothing memorable, but nothing awful, and they did a decent amount with 5 minutes. Hawkins and Baretta and Yoshi are all good pro wrestlers, but something about Reks just makes me immediately tune out when he's in control. Trent has a good hot tag, but Reks beats him with the Hurricane DDT.
**

RAW REBOUND!

The wedding is up to close the show and a HORRIBLE Elvis impersonator and...nope. That's Matt Striker. He embarrasses himself with singing. Johnny Curtis comes out with a drunk homeless person as his best man. Maxine comes out and looks pretty hot. I would. She asks who this is, and Curtis says this is Chad, he's legit, and he's his best man. He asks where Hillbilly Jim is, and Curtis says to shut up and wipes his nose on his shirt. Striker tries to sing the vows and Cole gets on the mic and boos. They both say yes and Striker asks if anyone objects, and Striker breaks character to ask if nobody actually objects. Cole deadpans "OH MY GOD IT'S MATT STRIKER?!" and I can't stop laughing. Derrick Bateman comes out in a real suit and says Curtis set him up. Curtis says he's embarrassing himself in front of his wife and Elvis, and Bateman has video of it. Derrick says he can live with it if this is over, but he wouldn't sabotage her career. Maxine asks Curtis if it's true, and he says he's on his way to the top, and she's coming with him. She slaps Curtis, and a Curtis/Bateman fight breaks out. They have the shittiest fight, and Cole goes over the top calling it like a classic boxing match. Bateman hits the Headlock Driver, and takes his shirt off. Maxine slaps him and then they make out to end the show. I understand nothing and love all of it.
Edited by Big Tuna, Apr 12 2018, 07:04 PM.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Jack Swagger, Since 1/16/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Colons, Since 1/15/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE Smackdown
January 20th, 2012
Las Vegas, NV


TONIGHT: BRYAN/MOK FOR THE WORLD TITLE, SHEAMUS/BARRETT!

Daniel Bryan comes out to open the show, and he gets on the mic. He says tonight is Sin City Smackdown, and last week, Big Show committed a sin and he's 441 pounds, The World's Largest Athlete, and AJ is 95 pounds. He says it was intentional what he did, and Big Show only pretended to be sorry, and those were crocodile tears. He says Big Show is bitter, because his reign was the shortest in history, a mere 45 seconds. Because of that, AJ has head trauma and her career may very well be over, all because she insisted on being with him at ringside. She loves him, and he has a great admiration for her as well, and he again dedicates his match to her, and says she is in his corner in spirit.

In the back, they have the Raw Roulette wheel set up and I guess this show's gonna suck too then. Cody spins and gets Player's Choice. He chooses Hornswoggle as his opponent! HA!

Before the match, Cody shoves Hornswoggle down on the floor. Justin Gabriel comes out to save and says to pick on somebody his own size, like him. Cody agrees, but then makes it non-title.

Match #1: Cody Rhodes vs. Justin Gabriel
Another good but ultimately incredibly frustrating match. It's clearly good, they work well together, but it's only 3 minutes. AND YOU WONDER WHY NOBODY IN THE MIDCARD IS OVER. Cole buries Gabriel and says he hasn't won a match in a year. HE WON LAST WEEK. THIS IS LITERALLY A SHOWCASE OF EVERYTHING WRONG. JUST PLUG A CENA MOVIE OR HAVE LAWLER IGNORE THE CROWD HATING A BABYFACE, AND WE'RE GOOD. FUCK. Cody wins with Cross Rhodes.
*3/4

In the back, MOK spins and they get a Lumberjack Match. UGH. Mark says that pipsqueak is about to enter the Hall of Pain.

Match #2: The Colons w/ Rosa Mendes vs. The Usos [Tornado Tag]
Another decent 2 minutes. God, I hate this show. Primo sneaks in a Lungblower to win.
*3/4

In the back, Aksana hits on Teddy some more and she says she likes to yank until money comes out. Sheamus comes over and spins the wheel. TABLES MATCH. GREAT. WHAT A HORRIBLE EPISODE.

Brodus Clay comes out for a dance-off with Vickie Guerrero. Brodus clearly wins. William Regal comes out, and he yells at the fans for dancing at Vickie. Brodus asks him to take her place, and Regal does an amazing dance before Brodus, clearly upset with losing to Regal, hits him with the Crossbody.

Match #3: Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett [Tables Match]
They get 6 minutes! WHOA. Not great, but it gets time, so whatever. Jinder interferes and Sheamus takes him out, but it allows Wade to tackle him through a table in the corner for the win.
**

Jinder tries to attack again and puts another table up, but Sheamus kills him with the Brogue Kick and rams him through a table in the corner in revenge.

The wheel is spun for the next match, and it is a Flag Match. This fucking episode. It's time this gimmick dies for good.

Match #4: Ted DiBiase vs. Hunico w/ Camacho [Flag Match]
AGAIN, 2 MINUTES. Hunico was great here, some really vicious flurries, and made Ted's shitty offense look so much better than usual. Ted gets the US flag down for the win. This was a good pairing, they were capable of better, since I'm assuming this is the end of the feud.
*1/2

RAW REBOUND!

In the back, Teddeh tells Drew he's fired. Santino asks him to reconsider and to put Drew's job on the line in a match between them. Drew spins the wheel, AND UGH IT'S A BLINDFOLD MATCH. Santino says no he won't, because it's a blindfold match. HA!

Match #5: Santino Marella vs. Drew McIntyre [Blindfold Match - For Drew's Job]
BOOOOOOOOOOOO. This is obviously horrible, but this time the two minutes makes it better. Drew loses to the Cobra after carrying the match with comedy spots. :(
*

NEXT WEEK: THE RETURN OF RANDY ORTON!

Match #6: Daniel Bryan [c] vs. Mark Henry [World Heavyweight Championship - Lumberjack Match]
This could have been great, since they used the stip to their advantage to get over how Danielson can't run anymore, but because this is Smackdown in 2012, they got 5 minutes and no finishing run. They both had run ins with lumberjacks on the floor, and the match broke down and they all went after MOK and Bryan, so the ref threw it out.
**1/2

Daniel Bryan walks to the back as everyone else fights.

In the back, Teddy catches him and books Bryan/MOK/Show at the Rumble in a cage match for the tighta.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Jack Swagger, Since 1/16/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Colons, Since 1/15/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011


WWE Raw
January 23rd, 2012
Phoenix, AZ


CM Punk comes out to open the show and sits in the ring. He talks about the Royal Rumble, and says Dolph HAS beaten him three times in the last month, but those victories have been handwrapped and delivered by Big Johnny. He says Johnny is a failure, as a wrestler, an executive, and these are all facts listed on Wikipedia. He says last week, John finally told the truth, and showed the clips from last week. He says he might be good and screwed, but he knows better, because it's hard to referee a match with two broken arms. He challenges Johnny to come out right now and say all those things to his face. John Cena comes out instead and is mad. Punk says he wanted John the boss, not John the boyscout. John says he was tired of watching him ramble, and says he's here for business, not to talk, and says to watch and learn. Amazed it took another six months for him to get his shit kicked in after that. Cena demands Johnny give Zack Ryder his title rematch, to give him Kane tonight, and to resign as interim GM. Punk says that's great and they all agree, but he could have waited until he was done, and he's trying to be nice, but Big Johnny comes out! He says he won't be intimidated, and books Zack Ryder vs. Kane instead in a Falls Count Anywhere match! He then has them booked in a tag match, and leaves. Ziggler, Swagger, and Vickie come out. Ziggler says not to concern himself with the special referee and to concern himself with him again, because just like three times in the last five weeks and just like tonight, he's going flat out beat him.

Match #1: John Cena/CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler/Jack Swagger w/ Vickie Guerrero
Johnny is back at ringside coming off of a break. They get 10 minutes, so this is really good. Punk and Cena are game, and Ziggler carries Jack. Punk working the first few minutes in gym shorts was a nice throwback. Swagger just worked holds on Cena, which is great, since Cena can force him to tighten up and it allows Cena do do his awesome slow fighting back out of a hold power spot. Punk has a good hot tag, but Johnny gets on the apron. Punk's distracted, AND DOLPH GETS A ROLL UP WITH THE TIGHTS TO WIN AGAIN!
***

Punk gets on the mic and says he has such an affinity for Dolph Ziggler and likes to give him presents, so he's going to give Johnny a present, because tonight, he wants him to finally be a WWE Superstar, and challenges him tonight! Punk asks if he's afraid, and Johnny accepts the match.

Chris Jericho comes out to host The Highlight Reel. He stops and comes out with the t-shirt gun to shoot those off. He shows a quick video summary of his career high points, before finally speaking. He says this Sunday at the Royal Rumble, it's the end of the world as you know it. And I feel fine?

ROYAL RUMBLE BY THE NUMBERS! I dislike that they changed the music.

In the back, Mick Foley tells Ryder that Kane's still a human being, and he can do this.

Match #2: Kane vs. Zack Ryder [Falls Count Anywhere]
This is a fucking 10 minute long squash. What the shit? Kane finally Chokeslams Ryder through the stage to end any semblance of a real match going on here.
3/4*

Eve comes out to check on Zack, but Kane stalks her to the ring. John Cena comes out, so Kane leaves. Cena and Eve check on Zack.

Coming back, Zack Ryder is stretchered out. Eve says this is all his fault and he's done enough. She gets in the ambulance with Zack, and Cena is left behind, because he's a bad friend.

Wade Barrett comes out to do commentary.

Match #3: Sheamus vs. Jinder Mahal
Solid Sheamus showcase. Brogue Kick ends it.
*1/4

Sheamus challenges Wade to come in, but he leaves.

In the back, Josh interviews The Miz, and says Miz/Truth is tonight. Miz says some words and says he's going to win the Royal Rumble. Truth comes over and they argue. Johnny comes over and is mad at them, and says the loser of their match will enter the Rumble at #1.

Match #4: Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactyls vs. Heath Slater
Regal is on commentary! Yay! This is like 45 seconds though, and Clay wins with a Crossbody.
3/4*

Match #5: The Miz vs. R-Truth [Loser Enters #1]

This got 8 minutes, and it was pretty horrible. Truth wins with the Black Finisher.
*1/2

In the back, Otunga gives Johnny a fax, and says he won't like it. He reads it, and is worried.

CM Punk comes out for the main event, and Johnny Ace then comes out with David Otunga. Cole tries to claim he was an AJPW World Champion, a title that does not exist. Amazing. He says he has some unfortunate news, and says he heard from the Board, and they are concerned with his judgment. Triple H will be back next week to review his status as Interim GM and give him a formal job performance review. Punk says if he screws him, he's out of a job, but now there's nothing stopping him from knocking his teeth out of his face before he's fired. Johnny says that's his wake up call, and he apologizes to everyone, and allows Foley in the Rumble. Punk says he hopes Triple H inherited the "YOU'RE FIRED", and Ace says that won't happen, and tonight's match also won't happen. He wants to sub in Otunga, and he attacks. Punk gets rid of him though, and hits Johnny with the GTS. BUT ZIGGLER SNEAKS OUT AND HITS THE PEACE ZIG! FUCK YEAH!
Edited by Big Tuna, May 16 2013, 11:14 PM.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Jack Swagger, Since 1/16/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Colons, Since 1/15/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE NXT
January 25th, 2012
Tucson, AZ


Titus O'Neil comes out, and he gets on the mic. He says he understands the boos and says he owes an apology, so on the count of three, HE WANTS THEM ALL TO APOLOGIZE TO HIM! AMAZING! He says he did everything they wanted and says they all smell like garbage truck juice. He says he's liberated himself from the WWE Universe, and says to brush yo mama's teeth, and they're not his dogs, they're puppies, and he's the only big dog. Percy Watson comes out and asks his friend about the change. He says Percy's still his boy, but these people suck, and he needs to turn his back on the people like he did. Percy says he likes the aggression, but it can't work like that, and he sounds like Darren Young right now. Titus gets mad and says he's either with him or against him. Percy says the old Titus wouldn't ultimatum his boy, and he's out. They shove each other, so Striker books them in the main event.

In the back, Hawkins and Reks complain to Striker about not being in the main event.

Match #1: The Usos vs. Curt Hawkins/Tyler Reks
Solid little tag match. Reks spent less time in the ring on the control segment this week, so Reks and Hawkins looked the best they have in 2012. Usos are again improving, and have some cool offense. Jimmy Uso has a great hot tag, and cuts off Hawkins trying to use his cane and hits a Superkick to win.
**1/4

In the back, Derrick Bateman high fives random people, and gets to Kaitlyn. He says BetaMax is back, and Kaitlyn asks why he wants Maxine back after what she did. He says it's different this time, and says if he's going to be on NXT, he might as well be with a hot chick. Kaitlyn says she saw Johnny Curtis cleaning the stains out of his bear skin rug and putting it back in his van, so he should walk out. He thanks her for the heads up and struts on.

Match #2: Heath Slater vs. Trent Baretta
Fun fun match. Really good 4-5 minutes moves match. Reminded me of a lesser London/Akio, in that it's clearly two guys who are capable of more than they're getting on main shows going nuts. Neither is as good as London or Akio, but hey. Lots of really cool spots and counters broken out with the time given, which makes it kind of a shame when Slater wins with a shitty looking Sling Blade.
**1/2

Matt Striker beings Johnny Curtis out to the ring and asks about last week. He says he enjoyed Maxine's fingers across his mouth, because he loves a girl with dirty fingernails. Derrick Bateman and Maxine walk down to the ring and Maxine says he'll stoop to any low. Curtis says they're the same, and says not to act like she's not a dirty little girl. Maxine says they have some similarities, and last week was a disaster and they want him off NXT. Bateman says he wants off NXT too, and Striker says they need all the warm bodies they can get. I love that everyone on this show HATES being there. Curtis says he wants them all to be one big happy family. Hugs and kisses. Maxine knees him in the dick and asks if they understand each other.

Match #3: Titus O'Neil vs. Percy Watson
This blew. Percy is a black hole of charisma without the magic glasses. Titus wins with Clash of the Titus.
*1/4

Titus keeps beating on him, until Alex Riley comes to save.
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Jack Swagger, Since 1/16/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Colons, Since 1/15/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011


WWE Smackdown
January 27th, 2012
Tucson, AZ


Fuck this show.

The Big Show comes out, and he gets on the mic. He says he'll come right out and say it, and he says he's sorry. He says he's apologized in person, and AJ forgave him immediately, and he's having trouble forgiving himself. He says he's always had problems knowing his own strength, and he doesn't know if he has the heart to go on. He says after Sunday, he's going to have to do some soul searching, and Daniel Bryan comes out. He says this makes everything okay, that Show is sorry. He says he put a 95 pound woman in the hospital, and Show says it was an accident. He says AJ was heavily medicated and she doesn't even remember him visiting. He says he remembers watching WWE as a kid and thought it was a place for athletes, not genetic freaks, and says he is NO Andre the Giant. Daniel says this is all empty talk, and if he was truly repentant about his life, he wouldn't be out here, he would just retire, RIGHT NOW. Danielson jabs him with his finger and says to go back up the beanstalk, and slaps him! He says he's not a man, he's a monster. He grabs D-Bry around the head with one hand and yells that it was an accident and calls him an arrogant little ass. MOK comes out and Show throws Bryan back, and says he felt compelled to remind them that it's a triple threat and he doesn't care about Show's hurt feelings or Bryan's Napoleon complex, or some 95 pound girl in a training bra. He says he ain't gotta sweet talk Show, because he knows what he can do, AND YELLS AT BRYAN TO STAND CLOSER AND LOOK HIM IN THE EYE WHEN HE TALKS. He says after last week, he's going to tear his skin off on general principle. MOK IS KING. Teddy comes out and books Show/MOK tonight.

TONIGHT: ORTON VS. WADE!

Match #1: Cody Rhodes vs. Justin Gabriel
Hey guess what? 2 minutes again! They seem like they'd work well together, but there's no way of really finding out. Decent back and forth and Cody wins with Cross Rhodes.
*1/2

In the back, Santino tells Teddy about an idea for space travel matches. He brings in Yoshi Tatsu and they argue about their new team. Drew McIntyre comes in and Teddy says he fired him. Drew said this is just a slump and he hates this, so Teddy books Sheamus vs. Drew. BUT YOU FIRED HIM, TEDDY. WHAT THE FUCK?

Match #2: Sheamus vs. Drew McIntyre
This was a really good 3 minutes. Drew has a great control seg, and they club the shit out of each other. Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick.
**

ROYAL RUMBLE BY THE NUMBERS!

Match #3: The Colons w/ Rosa Mendes vs. Santino Marella/Yoshi Tatsu
Another good little match BUT LOL 2 MINUTES. Seriously, this is beyond fucking infuriating. Yoshi vs. Primo is good. Santino loses to a Lungblower.
*3/4

In the back, Bryan talks to MOK. He says he didn't want lumberjacks there, and says Big Show doesn't deserve a THIRD title match, and it should just be the two of them. He says this is the last opportunity before Sunday to get rid of Big Show, and everyone knows he can hurt The Big Show, because Teddy wants Big Show to be champion. He asks about his ankle, and says Big Show is a menace, they don't know this. Bryan needs MOK to do this, and he needs to teach him a lesson.

Wade vs. Orton is up, but thankfully a brawl happens before the match, and they have a pullapart.

In the back, Bryan asks Kaitlyn to talk to The Big Show and tell him that MOK's going to try and injure him. He says this is for AJ, but Kaitlyn asks how HE feels about AJ. He says he's a very private person, and thanks her for talking to Big Show.

Match #4: Ted DiBiase vs. Hunico w/ Camacho
They work well together, so this sh -- NOPE. TWO MINU -- NOT EVEN. 90 SECONDS. At least Hunico wins this week due to Ted having a hurt arm.
*1/4

After the match, Camacho puts Ted's arm on the steps and Hunico stomps on it a lot.

Match #5: Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactyls vs. Alex Riley
This is 30 seconds. Brodus wins with the Crossbody.
1/4*

In the back, Kaitlyn is seen talking to The Big Show.

Instead of a Raw Rebound, they just replay Kane/Ryder. Great, not like anyone else on the show needed the 10-15 minutes this ate up. Fuck this place.

Match #6: Natalya vs. Aksana
Aksana immediately gets a roll up to win.
45/Poop

Nattie attacks post-match, and Tamina comes out to save.

Match #7: Mark Henry vs. The Big Show
Since this is the main event, it gets...nope. It's like a minute. Fuck. MOK's ankle gives out, and he rolls out with his bad leg and is counted out. Great.
Fuck Everything

Bryan cheap shots Show with a chair, but it goes poorly for him. Show gets the chair so Bryan bails out, and Show chases. Bryan gets a cheap shot and wears him out with the chair. He gets back in and puts on the LeBell Lock, but Show powers out! He hits the Chokeslam, and sets up for the KO Punch, but Bryan rolls out and escapes.
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Jack Swagger, Since 1/16/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Colons, Since 1/15/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

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WWE ROYAL RUMBLE 2012
JANUARY 29TH, 2012
ST. LOUIS, MO

Match #1: Daniel Bryan [c] vs. The Big Show vs. Mark Henry [World Heavyweight Championship - Steel Cage Match]

Awesome stories here. Show and MOK are trying to kill each other, but also stop Bryan, since he really just wants to leave as soon as possible. Lots of brutal and inventive cage spots using the power of MOK or Show vs. Danielson. And yeah, Bryan took tons of totally insane bumps into the cage and otherwise. Awesome finishing spot where Show's trying to keep Danielson from climbing over, and he grabs onto his hands, and Danielson is hanging in the air from Show's arm, before he drops down to win!
***

ELIMINATION CHAMBER: FEBRUARY 19TH!

The video on John Cena, set to "Invincible", airs. Really well put together piece, and it almost accomplishes the goal of painting Cena as just a guy who loves wrestling and being a hero and shit. However, him saying he's never pandered for admiration is HILARIOUS.

Match #2: Beth Phoenix/Natalya/The Bella Twins vs. Kelly Kelly/Eve/Tamina/Alicia Fox
This happens. Beth beats K2 with the Glam Slam.
*1/2

Clips air of Kane murdering Ryder.

In the back, Johnny welcomes Zack Ryder, and he's in a wheelchair with a back brace, and says he had to be here to watch Cena kick Kane's ass. He says he got him his own private room to watch the show, and says if there's anything he needs, he can ask. He pats him on the back and says "woo woo woo!" before leaving.

Match #3: John Cena vs. Kane
This is not good, and you immediately realize why it took like 10 years to book this match. Kane dominates and nobody's really doing their best work here. They fight to a double count out after like 10 minutes of sort of just going in neutral.
*3/4

They fight to the back and have another pretty bad backstage fight. Kane gets Cena down with a chair shot to the back, and then breaks into Ryder's locker room, conveniently right in the main hallway. He wheels Ryder out to the ring, and then hits him with the Tombstone. Cena runs out to save finally, because he's just a bad bad friend and now it's the time to sell a chair shot for several minutes, and he also gets Chokeslammed. Kane leaves, and Ryder is again stretchered out as Eve cries.

BE A STAR.

The Rock's video, set to "Wild One", airs. This is less problematic than Cena's video, just putting over how awesome a human being The Rock is.

Match #4: Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactyls vs. Drew McIntyre
This is a minute long, but Drew does his best to make Brodus look awesome. Crossbody ends it.
*

A hype video airs for Punk/Dolf.

Before the match, Johnny gets on the mic and says in an effort to be impartial, he will be a special referee on the floor instead, and has a regular referee in the ring.

Match #5: CM Punk [c] vs. Dolph Ziggler [WWE Championship - Special Outside Referee: John Laurinaitis]
This was great, but also was held back by the referee thing coming into play in the finishing run. But hey, this is 10-11 minutes of two great wrestlers having a great match before then. Punk torturing Ziggler as payback for the last month is a lot of fun, and Ziggler takes advantage of him being distracted by Johnny. Some really inventive spots throughout the match, and yeah. Great comeback by Punk, and then a ref bump happens. Dolph taps to the Anaconda Vice, but Johnny is checking on the ref on the floor and misses it. He shoves the ref in, and Punk hits the GTS, hitting Johnny in the head with Ziggler's legs. The referee isn't up in time though. They do a nice final series of stuff, and Punk wins with the second GTS, as Johnny slides in to count along with the referee to prove he's not biased.
***

WRESTLEMANIA 28: 63 DAYS AWAY!

ROYAL RUMBLE BY THE NUMBERS!

Match #6: THE 2012 ROYAL RUMBLE~! BATTLE ROYAL WITH TIMED ENTRANCES WHERE THE WINNER OPENS WRESTLEMANIA

-#1 is The Miz
-#2 is Alex Riley
-So yeah, HUGE step down from 2011's amazing opening
-This sucks, and Miz throws A-Ri out in a minute
-#3 is R-Truth
-NO COME ON
-This is also pretty bad. Lots of awful TOUGH GUY MIZ shtick that's just the worst stuff
-#4 is Cody Rhodes
-Cody's immediately the best dude in this, hitting hard and taking big bumps
-#5 is Justin Gabriel
-He has some nice generic high flying spots
-Cody and Justin have a great chop-off
-#6 is Primo
-FUCK YEAH
-He has a great little run of offense
-Primo and Gabriel have some nice counters
-MIZ TOSSES TRUTH OUT! YES!
-Truth pulls him out and hits Black Finisher on the floor
-#7 is Mick Foley
-It's sad to see him waddle around and make everyone else bump around for him
-And he tosses Primo out. God damnit.
-#8 is FUCKING RICARDO RODRIGUEZ!
-HE DRIVES OUT IN A SHITTY BEAT UP FAR
-MATCH HIGHLIGHT SO FAR
-Mick takes pity on Ricardo, AND THEY ELIMINATE GABRIEL!
#9 is Santino Marella
-He eliminates Ricardo
-FUCK YOU
-Cobra vs. Socko happens
-#10 is Epico
-He eats the Cobra AND Mr. Socko
-They then toss Epico out
-Socko blocks The Cobra, but Miz and cody attack them
-Cody tosses Santino out
-Cody then tips Mick over as Miz is tasting Mr. Socko
-#11 is Kofi Kingston
-Oh my god, it is so bad
-#12 is Jerry Lawler
-He's immediately the best guy in the Rumble with his amazing punches and dropkicks
-And is out in 90 seconds by Cody
-#13 is Ezekiel Jackson
-He does stuff
-#14 is Jinder Mahal
-He's the worst
-This match blows
-#15 is The Great Khali
-BABA CHOPS EVERYWHERE
-MAHAL'S OUT!
-FUCK YEAH KHALI!
-He gets rid of Zeke too
-#16 is HUNICO
-FUCK YEAH HUNCO
-#17 IS BOOKER T!
-Kofi does a bullshit handstand save spot
-Fuck that
-#18 is Dolph Ziggler
-Ziggler does a good job saving this
-FUCK NO KOFI/ZIGGLER AGAIN
-#19 is Hacksaw Jim Duggan
-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-USA
-USA
-USA
-USA
-USA
-USA
-USA
-Cody eliminates him after a brief run
-CODY ELIMINATES KHALI AND BOOKER
-#20 is Michael Cole
-He evades everyone and celebrates
-#21 is KHARMA!
-FUCK YEAH!
-Cole runs away over the top from her, and Lawler and Booker pull him down
-KHARMA HITS ZIGGLER WITH THE IMPLANT BUSTER
-SHE THROWS HUNICO OUT!
-But Ziggler lifts her up and out :(
-#22 is Sheamus
-SHEAMUS TOSSES KOFI! YEAH!
-Sheamus and Ziggler can now start carrying the match
-#23 IS ROAD DOGG! YEAH!
-SHAKE RATTLE AND ROLL TO CODY!
-FUCKHANDLE SLAM TO MIZ!
-#24 is Jey Uso
-Okay then
-This grinds the match to a halt for 90 seconds
-#25 is Jack Swagger
-Yep, nothing there
-#26 is Wade Barrett
-Coming out with new awful music to total silence
-Wade tosses Dogg
-#27 is David Otunga
-Waste of the lucky number
-#28 is Randy Orton
-It took 27 people before any kind of main eventer got in this
-Orton tosses Jey
-RKO to Wade, and he's out!
-#29 is Chris Jericho
-He tosses Otunga
-#30 is The Big Show!
-He pulls Swagger over from the floor
-SHOW IMMEDIATELY PUSHES IRON MEN CODY AND MIZ OVER AHAHAHAHAH
-Being fair, they hardly had performances worthy of being the iron men since they just kind of did stuff all match
-Although Cody at least had booking on his side
-THEN ZIGGLER TOO, BECAUSE HEY, FUCK EVERYTHING

FINAL FOUR: SHEAMUS, RANDY ORTON, CHRIS JERICHO, & THE BIG SHOW

-Finishers
-Orton pushes Big Show over after the RKO
-AND JERICHO GETS SHEAMUS OUT!
-Sheamus and Jericho have a really great Final Two section. Lots of counters and close calls. Up there with Taker/Shawn as the best one ever.
-Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick to Jericho on the ropes to eliminate him and win!

So yeah, this is one of the worst Rumbles ever, combining aspects of previous bad Rumbles into one big perfect storm. The poor layout of 1999, as it's all midcard heels and jobbers and legends for the first like 80% of the match until Sheamus is in. Then you get the bad and mediocre performances from people who are supposed to carry the match like 2006. Miz gets the iron man prize, and Cody gets the eliminations prize, but neither did anything to stand out in their 40+ minutes in this. Ziggler had the best non-final two performance with close calls and huge bumps, but nothing on the level of Punk in 2010 or 2011 or Bryan in 2011 or Rey or Morrison in 2009, etc. Not asking for like Flair in 92 or Shawn in 95 levels of carrying the match on your back type shit, but come on. A lot of this comes from the fact that the guys who could carry the Rumble were in other matches like Punk, Bryan, MOK or not emphasized like Ziggler. However, Sheamus and Jericho having a near-G.O.A.T. level finishing run (only 2007's Taker/Shawn, 2001's Final Three, and 2004's finishing 6 or 7 stand out as clearly better here) saves this from being the absolute worst.
**1/4
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Jack Swagger, Since 1/16/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Colons, Since 1/15/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE Raw
January 30th, 2012
Kansas City, MO


Mr. John Laurinaitis comes out to open the show and Cole and Lawler go over the performance review. He shakes hands with every ringside fan, and this is amazing. He says he's looking forward to his performance review, because he's done a good job. He says he's made some mistakes, but every successful man has made a mistake. He says he will be named the permanent GM of Raw, because his review is being done by the greatest of all time and a good friend of his, Triple H. Fuck yeah, accidentally putting saying Triple H is an all time great wrestler as sucking up. Great work, Johnny. He talks about how unbiased he was last night, and says CM Punk will defend the WWE Title in the Elimination Chamber, and introduces the participants as Punk, Kofi Kingston, Dolph Ziggler, The Miz, R-Truth, and Chris Jericho. Oh my god, that's a horrible line up, Johnny. Half that match is horrible. He books Beth/Eve for the Divas Title tonight, Kofi/Miz (EW), Ziggler/Orton, AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WWE, CM PUNK VS. DANIEL BRYAN! FUCK YEAH! CM Punk comes out to the ring and sings NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY HEY HEY GOODBYE and the fans join in before he gets in the ring. Punk says he wanted to see his dumb face before he got 86'd tonight, and says he's given him great entertainment lately, like how he doesn't know how to use a microphone and he trips and stammers over basic words, that's been great. Johnny tries a handshake, and Daniel Bryan comes out to the ring. He says it's him, THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Bryan says nobody cares about their issues, and he was busy winning an unwinnable match last night. Bryan days no offense to Punk, but this isn't exactly much of a challenge compared to last night. Punk says all he is is the best wrestler in the world, and Bryan says he's more than the best, he's a role model. HE'S A VEGAN! HE DOESN'T EVEN EAT MEAT! Punk says he knows all that but asks what he eats. Bryan says if he keeps the jokes up, he'll shove the pipebomb where the sun doesn't shine. Punk says Johnny's just stirring up trouble, and they've known each other for 10 years, and he says they just give Kansas City the best wrestling match in the world. Danielson nods, and Sheamus comes out to ruin it. Sheamus sucks up to everyone and says he won the Rumble, and hopes Johnny gets fired. Steller contribution as always.

In the skybox, Josh is with Wade Barrett.

Match #1: Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero
This was great, since they had about 10 minutes. Not as great as their match in the fall of 2011, since this was more about Orton being put back over than elevating Ziggler in defeat. But they still had a nice little match, since this is a great match up. Wade keeps doing commentary with Josh from the skybox, and Wade/Orton is happening AGAIN. Ziggler loses, of course, to the RKO.
***

In the back, Johnny is shaking hands, and gets to Regal.

Laurinaitis: How's your son doing?

Regal: Daughters. Conjoined twins, actually.

Laurinaitis: Oh. Fifth grade though, that's a hard year isn't it?

Regal: I keep them locked in the attic, to be honest with you John.

Johnny moves on. REGAL IS GOD.

Match #2: Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactyls vs. Tyler Reks
Another minute long squash. Crossbody ends it.
3/4*

In the back, Punk goes up to Bryan. Punk asks what he meant about being a role model, and says they're both underdogs who made it to the top, but from someone who knows, he doesn't think people want to hear him try and preach about his lifestyle. Bryan tells him about the slaughter of innocent animals, and says not many people know what straight edge is either, and Punk says he's not claiming to be a role model, just the best wrestler in the world. Bryan looks pissed at this, which is some awesome multi-promotional continuity.

Posted Image

Posted Image

Match #3: CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan
This was great, and the MOTY to this point. Saying that, it's scary to think that this wasn't even close to the match they're capable of. They show off a lot and tease stuff. Danielson has some great old-AmDrag style arm work, and Punk's selling is top notch. Constantly holding the arm, and switching which arm he uses for the Bulldog. They get into a nice finishing run, but before it can take the step to the next level, Chris Jericho comes out and throws Danielson into the barricade for the DQ.
***1/4

He gets in, and hits Punk with the Codebreaker! Jericho stares down Punk, and Bryan celebrates on the floor. YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

HALL OF FAME 2012: MIKE TYSON

R-Truth comes out to do commentary.

Match #4: The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
Well, this really sucked. Tough Guy Miz meets the worst wrestler in the company to regularly get real time. Kofi wins with Trouble in Paradise.
*1/2

In the back, Johnny asks Otunga if he's here yet. Otunga says no, and he says he's done everything he can to influence the outcome.

The Rock's video airs again.

Match #5: Beth Phoenix [c] vs. Eve [WWE Divas Championship]
Beth wins in 30 seconds with the Glam Slam.
Andy's Ability to Write a Second Promo

Kane's music hits as Eve gets up, and he's in the back. He asks how it feels to know everything is John Cena's fault. He says Cena won't beat him or The Rock until he embraces the hate. He says he used Zack Ryder as a message of the power of hate, and she's going to be his message tonight. He comes out to the ring, but John Cena runs out to save. He goes wild with shots with the steps, but Kane escapes into the crowd.

John Laurinaitis comes out to the ring and says he's looking forward to this. He says he is not nervous and wants to give himself a self assessment, and gives himself a 5 on everything on a scale of 1-5. He goes on forever before Triple H finally comes out. Johnny insists on a super long handshake, and H says to forget all that. He says this is simple and he's been watching for a while, since when he backstabbed him to take the job. He thought he might do a good job, since he's spineless and gutless and he's not very swift, but that in fact made him worse, since he used the power to try and make himself a star, which he never could as an actual wrestler. He says both he and Vince had to be replaced for letting personal decisions cloud their judgment, and Johnny begs for his job and says he'll do anything. Triple H says that's vague, and makes him apologize for the job he's done, and he does so. Triple H asks the crowd if they forgive him, and they boo. He says he could give him a gauntlet match like he did to CM Punk a month ago, but says that's probably not fair. He teases the Kiss My Ass Club so Johnny gets on his knees, and Triple H starts laughing and calls him a freak. He says the Board told him when he wants to come back and run Raw, he can do that. WE'VE BEEN WAITING A YEAR, COME ON. Triple H is about to fire him, BUT THE GONG HITS.

FUCK THIS SHIT. TIME FOR INTERESTING STUFF FINALLY.

The Undertaker comes out in a hilarious wig, and they have a staredown. He looks up at the WrestleMania sign, before giving Triple H the cut throat signal. Triple H doesn't respond, but then finally shakes his head and pats Taker on the arm before he walks out on him.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

Top 10 Matches - January 2012:

1. CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan, Raw (January 30th)
2. Daniel Bryan [c] vs. The Big Show vs. Mark Henry, Royal Rumble (January 29th)
3. CM Punk [c] vs. Dolph Ziggler, Royal Rumble (January 29th)
4. CM Punk [c] vs. Dolph Ziggler, Raw (January 2nd)
5. John Cena/CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler/Jack Swagger, Raw (January 23rd)
6. Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler, Raw (January 30th)
7. Daniel Bryan [c] vs. The Big Show, Smackdown (January 13th)
8. Daniel Bryan [c] vs. The Big Show, Smackdown (January 6th)
9. Evan Bourne vs. Michael McGillicutty, Superstars (January 12th)
10. Heath Slater vs. Trent Baretta, NXT (January 25th)

Wrestler of the Month: Daniel Bryan (17 Points)

Tag Team of the Month: The Colons (6 Points)
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Jack Swagger, Since 1/16/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Colons, Since 1/15/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE NXT
February 1st, 2012
Omaha, NE


Titus O'Neil opens the show again and thanks the crowd for sitting and being quiet like good small people. They immediately wake up and give him a lot of heat. Holy shit, Titus is the best. He says Alex Riley got involved in business that had nothing to do with him, and he was trying to teach his former best friend a lesson. He asks Alex to come to him while he's looking at him, and Darren Young comes out instead. He says he'd rather not be in this awful city, and says he needs to worry about D-Young, not A-Ri, because they have unfinished business. Titus says he whopped his ass, and he finished that business. D-Young says he used to think he was a loser, but he can respect him now that he's got his mind right, even if he doesn't like him. He offers a handshake, and Titus says he's glad he sees the light, and they shake hands! YEAH! Percy comes out and says they're best friends now. Percy says the gloves are off, and he should have listened to A-Ri. Titus tells him to stop being stupid, and Percy calls them stupid, not the people. Darren challenges him to say it to their face, AND THAT'S RILEY'S CUE OUT! Striker then books a tag.

Match #1: Tyson Kidd vs. Trent Baretta
Another awesome 4 minute moves match, since Kidd's probably the king of that at this point. He's also now randomly working as a face, since nobody really watches NXT. Really smooth matwork in the first minute, and then a ton of awesome and well done spots until the end. Kidd rolls through a Frankensteiner and gets a Sunset Flip for the win.
**1/2

In the back, Reks and Hawkins are mad at Striker for not being booked. He says he's getting a lot of pressure from a lot of people, and says everyone will be booked next week.

Heath Slater comes out and brags about his win, even if it was on a D-List show like NXT. He keeps replaying the three count, and it airs like 5 or 6 times. Regal says Heath Slater is from the Jamie Noble school of linguistics. POP! Derrick Bateman comes out and Slater says he's going to show that all night long, and tells Derrick to watch it. Derrick says he didn't know he even had a finishing move, and says nobody cares. Slater says he's main evented SummerSlam and he's a three time champion, and he was at WrestleMania (bitch). Bateman has a video of Slater's greatest hits and shows him losing to Hornswoggle. They shove each other, and Bateman drives him from the ring. Regal says they're all losers after that segment. Maxine comes in for her match. Dat ass.

Match #2: Maxine vs. Alicia Fox
Within 30 seconds, Johnny Curtis runs out and yells that Maxine never calls him back. He says he wants to start over, and Alicia rolls her up to win.
1/4*

John Cena's video airs.

In the back, Bateman and Maxine are looking for Johnny Curtis. They split up and Maxine bumps into Kaitlyn. She says Maxine always wants an excuse to talk to Johnny Curtis. She says not to hurt her friend Derrick again, and Maxine taunts her and says she likes Bateman. Kaitlyn rolls her eyes and leaves, and Maxine says Derrick only likes a real woman like her. They walk separate ways, and Curtis comes out of a room. He looks both ways, and can't decide who to creep on.

Match #3: The Prime Time Players vs. Alex Riley/Percy Watson
They're not there yet, but fuck it, that's their name. PTP are good, but this match isn't much. Percy is again total dead weight, and A-Ri isn't there yet. He throws a Flying Forearm on his hot tag, so he's clearly getting there. Time to try out a Tope Suicida and get some blue gear. Titus gets a blind tag and hits A-Ri with Clash of the Titus to win.
*3/4
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Jack Swagger, Since 1/16/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Colons, Since 1/15/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE Smackdown
February 3rd, 2012
Omaha, NE


TONIGHT: ORTON/WADE IN A NO DQ MATCH!

T'Lo is in the ring to open the show and says Smackdown's Elimination Chamber will be for the WHT, and it's Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett vs. The Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Mark Henry! That sounds much better. He then explains the rules, because nobody watches Smackdown anyways. Mark Henry comes out to the ring and says he's not liking this one bit. He says he doesn't like a 1 in 6 chance, and it's a matter of luck. He doesn't deserve this. Teddy says he lost at the Royal Rumble and he should be happy he's even in this. He asks if he's supposed to thank him or something, and yells that he's the big fish. HE'S HIS MEAL TICKET. He says he wants a title shot tonight with Daniel Bryan, and Teddy asks what if he doesn't. MOK asks if he's tryin' him now. He says to give him what he wants and deserves, to Teddy takes him out of the Chamber, and says he gets no title shot! WHAT THE FUCK, TEDDY? MOK says Teddy is replaceable, just like Johnny on Raw, and he's not asking him to do the right thing anymore, he's telling and grabs him. Teddy says that's going to cost him AND INDEFINITELY SUSPENDS MARK HENRY. TEDDY LONG IS THE WORST. MOK grabs him by the tie and says he might as well get his money's worth. There's immediately a HUGE pop for a second before Can of Crowd boos. Sheamus runs out and Brogue Kicks MOK. UGH. Cody Rhodes comes out and says he wants to warn Sheamus not to let success go to his head, and nobody will remember that he won the Royal Rumble! TRUE! He says he had the most eliminations, and Teddy books a match NEXT!

Match #1: Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes
About 5 minutes air, so this is decent. Cody does some stuff before Sheamus comes back, and it's solid, if not great. He's just kind of a generic heel at this point, which sucks compared to where he was a year ago, but he's the one who's fine being average in the ring. Sheamus comes back, and starts to use an Air Raid Crash for the win.
**1/4

Justin Gabriel is supposed to face Hunico, and Hunico and Camacho come out. This should be -- nope. Cody Rhodes is getting up at ringside and attacks Gabriel because he's a heel. They triple team him, until The Great Khali runs out for the save. Oh, no. Come on. Don't put him in the Chamber, god damnit.

In the back, Drew again pleads for his job. Teddy says he still has a job, but he's not putting him on Smackdown. What the fuck? YOU FIRED HIM. TWICE. Santino comes in, and he says he has a new partner, and they are called SantinHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AND JIM DUGGAN COMES IN! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! Santino yells ITALIA! Teddy says they can have a non-title match vs. The Colons, and says to please get out. They leave and Aksana comes to make the fuck.

Mike Tyson's HOF video airs again.

Match #2: The Colons w/ Rosa Mendes vs. Santino Marella/Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Solid two and a half minutes. The Colons look good, Santino does his thing. Rosa distracts Santino and Primo hits Santino with the Lungblower for the win.
*3/4

Michael Cole brings out Daniel Bryan for an interview, and calls him the most unlikely World Heavyweight Champion of all time. Cole says he thought he was a nerd who would never make it, but he proved something at the Royal Rumble. He says it wasn't a dominant victory, and it might have been luck, but he won. He admits he was wrong and offers a handshake, but Bryan takes his mic instead. He says he appreciates the sentiment, but this isn't about him. Everything is not about him, this is about Daniel Bryan. He says this past Sunday, he succeeded in beating two monsters in a cage who together weigh a half ton, proving he is a great champion. He is also a great role model, and preaches to follow in his footsteps and become a vegan. He says he should not have to defend his title in the Chamber, especially not against a man he's dominated in 4 title matches already, The Big Show. He demands Big Show is taken out of the match, or he will go to the Board, and The Big Show comes out. He says that title has turned him into an arrogant ass, and at Elimination Chamber, he's going to lose. He says he can't hide or escape or climb out there, and Bryan says he knows the odds are against him, and losing is POSSIBLE. But it won't be to him, because he's a loser. Big Show then Chokeslams him, and he readies his hand for the KO Punch. BUT AJ COMES OUT! YEAH! She's in a neck brace, and it distracts Show. Bryan rolls out and runs to hug her, and they leave.

In the back, Natalya farts. Oh, that's started.

Match #3: Beth Phoenix/Natalya vs. Tamina/Aksana
This is 45 seconds, and Beth hits Aksana with the Glam Slam to win.
1/2*

Tamina runs Beth off post-match, and hits Natalya with the Superfly Splash.

A graphic shows The Great Khali replacing Mark Henry. God damnit.

The video on John Cena airs.

In the back, Striker talks to Randy Orton. He says he holds nothing back, and he has no problem with Wade throwing him down some stairs, because he would have done the same thing to him. He has a problem with Wade claiming he ended his career, and he says he's back, and he will beat Wade Barrett tonight and at the Elimination Chamber to win the title. Best promos in the business.

Match #4: Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett [No DQ]
This gets 15 minutes, and this feels like a punishment for insisting on longer matches on Smackdown. Daniel Bryan and AJ are seen watching in the back. Absurdly long time for these two aside, they use the stipulation and have some nice spots. It suffers when they have to fill space with some horrible strikes and brawling. Orton hits one RKO, but then sets up a chair, and hits another onto the open chair to win.
**1/2

In the back, Teddy tells Bryan that he will face Orton next week!
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Jack Swagger, Since 1/16/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Colons, Since 1/15/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011

WWE Raw
February 6th, 2012
Oklahoma City, OK


TONIGHT: A SIX-PACK CHALLENGE WITH ALL THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER PEOPLE IN IT WITH THE LAST ENTRY ON THE LINE! DANIEL BRYAN VS. THE BIG SHOW AGAIN!

Triple H comes out to open the show and clears up that he was out here to fire John Laurinaitis last week, and says he has no redeeming qualities, and says John flew up to plea for his job with the Board. They asked him not to fire him until they can review his proposal or whatever. He's out here to talk about The Undertaker though, and mentions that he was carried out of the ring last year at WrestleMania the last time he was seen before last week. He says after 20 years, he's still in awe of the man, and says he's the only man he can stand before and feel truly humbled. But when he came out last week, he didn't feel the rush, he wasn't in awe, and he wasn't humbled to stand in front of him. All he felt was sorry, and he knows what he did to him last year, and he chooses to remember him in a different light. He then plays a video of Taker's streak wins, and says that's the Phenom and the Dead Man, and that's how he's going to remember him. He says out of respect, he says no to the challenge at WrestleMania. He says he knows what he would do to put him down, and The Undertaker knows it too, and maybe that's what he was looking for. He says everyone has limits, even The Undertaker, and he reached his last year, and he won't be the guy to push him past them. He says this is over, and goes to leave. His music stops, and a video airs of Taker in his cabin watching coverage of the match last year. He says this is not over. He demands what is his, vengeance, and he will give him one more chance at immortality.

Match #1: Daniel Bryan w/ AJ vs. The Big Show
This is 3 minutes, so whatever. They fight on the floor, and Show almost runs into AJ again, but he stops. Danielson takes AJ up the ramp to safety, and is counted out.
*3/4

Bryan says he just proved that when he ran through AJ the first time, it was on purpose! He could have pulled up then, just like he did tonight! He asks if the World Title means that much to him, and says this woman loves him, and that's more important to him than winning or losing every match, but after the Chamber, he will still be a vegan and the World Heavyweight Champion.

Some NASCAR fuck mook hangs out with John Cena.

A video airs on the history of the Elimination Chamber.

Coming back, David Otunga is in the ring with the mic. He puts over Big Johnny as being a great GM, but Justin Roberts gets on the mic and says per Triple H, he's in a match now, and Sheamus comes out. UGH.

Match #2: Sheamus vs. David Otunga
This is a 2 minute Sheamus squash, and that's fine. Brogue Kick ends it.
*1/2

Chris Jericho comes out to get on the mic. He says the end of the world of you know it has arrived. The end of thievery and plagiarism, because every man and woman in this ring is nothing more than a Chris Jericho wannabe, a cheap copy of him. There's a whole roster in the back stealing his ideas and thoughts that he made popular. He then ruins it by calling the crowd wannabes too. He says he put on a suit and talked slowly before The Miz ruined it. He did insane things in the ring before Kofi Kingston ruined it. But CM Punk is the worst of them all, "The Best in the World". He says he's not original or unique, and he's nothing more than a wannabe, and he knows that HE is the best in the world at everything he does. That means Chris Jericho is a Bryan Danielson wannabe! He says he IS the best in the world, it's his legacy and it's who he is, and he's back to reclaim what is his. CM Punk comes out and drops the mic before holding up the title in his face. He turns around and waits, and walks out. Jericho yells at him to turn around and look at him when he's talking to him.

Match #3: Randy Orton/The Great Khali vs. Wade Barrett/Cody Rhodes
This was thankfully just under 4 minutes. Orton vs. Cody was good, but pretty much everything was ass. Especially Khali/Wade, oh my god. Khali hits Cody with the Baba Chop to win.
*1/2

After the match, Orton hits Khali with the RKO.

The John Cena video airs again.

Match #4: Beth Phoenix/Natalya/The Bella Twins vs. Kelly Kelly/Eve/Alicia Fox/Tamina
This is the 90 second version of the Rumble match, and that was barely good, so this sucks. Tamina beats a Bella with a Splash.
3/4*

Video airs of The Rock on Jay Leno, and he plugs WrestleMania.

In the back, Johnny talks to Triple H, and talks about how great the Board is. He says Shawn Michaels will be here next week, and H says he's hunting right now. John says he suggested that he comes in next week and rattles off Shawn's nicknames, and H yells that he knows who he is. He says he also suggested Cena vs. Kane in an Ambulance Match at E.C., and H says that's good and asks who gave him that idea.

Match #5: CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz vs. R-Truth vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero [Winner Enters the Elimination Chamber Last]
This was a mess, since they immediately let everyone in and didn't enforce tags like other matches like this, so it's bad chaos and shitty match ups for 8 minutes. This is best known as the match where Miz almost killed Truth with his inability to catch a basic flip dive. Punk and Ziggler try to carry this, but that's not happening given the dead weight they have to work with like Miz and Kofi. Jericho's kind of there too, but is a vulture. There was a large Jericho/Kofi segment that was very bad. Punk and Dolph get back in for 15 seconds, and Punk hits the GTS. Jericho steals the pin to win. Blegh.
*3/4

In the back, Kane stalks Eve. He says Cena will finish embracing the hate, then he'll be in a better place. But if he doesn't get there soon, he's afraid for her. Yep, great way to end the show. Fuck.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 12/18/2011
WWE U.S. Champion: Jack Swagger, Since 1/16/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes, Since 8/12/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Colons, Since 1/15/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix, Since 10/2/2011


WWE NXT
February 8th, 2012
Tulsa, OK


Matt Striker is in the ring to open the show, and says to appease everyone, he's given every NXT star a match tonight, and there's four huge matches tonight. He says the main event is The Usos vs. Reks & Hawkins, and calls Reks and Hawkins annoying, but demands the opener right now.

Match #1: Derrick Bateman vs. Heath Slater
Fun 4 minutes. Slater does his thing and is so annoying in a great way, but Bateman shines on offense. He's hitting hard and doing cool stuff, and has a lot of charisma. Slater slides out of stuff though, and hits his abysmal looking Sling Blade for the win.
**1/4

Coming back, Titus O'Neil is on commentary.

Match #2: Darren Young vs. Percy Watson
Titus carries this on commentary. D-Young has good stuff, but Percy drags it down again with incredibly boring offense and lack of presence. Percy wins with the awful Fireman's Flapjack.
*1/2

Titus gets on the mic and says he's not gonna attack him. Nah, when he attacks him, he won't see it coming.

In the back, Kaitlyn is stretching and Curtis comes over. She asks why he's not wearing a shirt when it's like 35 here, and he says he left it in the van, and asks if she wants to help him find it. She says Bateman already won Maxine, and he says it won't last. He says Bateman's digging her vibes, and she tells him to go back to his van and find his shirt. He leaves, and she's all like "nah".

Match #3: Tyson Kidd vs. Trent Baretta
Great match for time given, and now they got like 5 minutes to show off. It's a total spotfest, but they bring some nice psychology with counters and blocks of things that worked last week, and used an entirely different set of stuff than last week as a result. Great finish, as Kidd's sunset flip is blocked, but he counters the cutback pin by rolling BACKWARDS over into the sunset flip to get the 3, and I've never seen that before.
**1/2

They shake hands after the match.

In the back, Bateman is down about his loss, but Kaitlyn cheers him up with a consensual high five. She says losing happens, but Maxine comes over and asks what the hell that was. He says he was talking to Kaitlyn, and she yells at him for losing. She says to stop talking to her, and Kaitlyn says she's being an awesome girlfriend right now. Maxine asks if she's lost, and says she can help her find the door. Bateman breaks them up and says to save it for the ring, and Johnny Curtis is watching around the corner. This is the best storyline.

Match #4: Kaitlyn vs. Maxine
They got 2 minutes now, and it was decent. She won with a crucifix pin. I love the sense of struggle behind the finishes of her matches.
*

The Elimination Chamber video airs.

In the back, Kidd goes up to Trent and says they should be a tag team. Kidd can't speak this simple sentence without sounding like he's being held at gunpoint and forced to read this script.

Match #5: The Usos vs. Curt Hawkins/Tyler Reks
This could have been better if Reks wasn't in it for so long, but whatever. Hawkins again has some quality work and then Reks murders any interest when he's in. Good transitions though. Usos have some inventive spots, but Curt sticks one of them in the gut with his cane, and Reks gets a schoolboy to win.
**
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