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Simon Watches WWE - 2013
Topic Started: Apr 20 2014, 06:42 PM (16,504 Views)
Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: The Big Show, Since 10/28/2012
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Eve, Since 9/16/2012
NXT Champion: Seth Rollins, Since 8/29/2012

WWE NXT
January 2nd, 2013
Orlando, FL


THE SHOW CUTS OUT FROM THE VIDEO AND THE SHIELD IS BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF JOBBERS IN THE RING! Dusty Rhodes comes out with the microphone and Ambrose says that's a small taste of what the Shield is capable of, and introduces themselves again. Ambrose says they've shattered the glass ceiling in less time than anyone, all in the name of justice and righting wrongs. Rollins says they've taken over Raw and Smackdown, and they're taking over NXT and there's not a damn thing anyone can do. Dusty says he can do something about it and says he told them to make an impact, but not like this. He says Seth Rollins is the NXT Champion and he was supposed to lead them to the promised land, but he chose a different path. He says they're gonna have a match and he's going to defend the NXT Title tonight against Corey Graves. Ambrose says nobody tells them what to do anymore, and Dusty says they're in his house, and he'll tell them, and if Seth refuses to defend the title, he'll strip him of it tonight. Rollins says he'll fight him and he thinks Corey Graves is a wrong they should right. Reigns says it looks like all Dusty is doing is paying The Shield rent.

Match #1: Bo Dallas vs. Epico w/ Primo
Epico does his best to drag something out of Bo. Epico isn't amazing, but he's solid like his brother, just a little less so. He has some good knees and holds, but then it falls apart when Bo comes back. His "flurry" of body punches in the corner is one of the most hilarious things ever. He does a DOUBLE spin-down sell off of a dropkick, which is about the worst thing too. Bo is the absolute worst and makes a comeback of no selling. Bo wins with the worst Spear of all time.
1/2*

Post-match, The Colons corner Bo, but Michael McGillicutty comes out to save for some reason. He raises Bo's hand, because THAT'S the endorsement that's going to make him a star finally.

Match #2: Tamina vs. Sasha Banks
Decent Tamina showcase. They had some good strikes and a quality struggle in an Abdominal Stretch. Sasha did some decent lucha, but then Tamina won with the Drop and the Superfly Splash. Did you know he's her dad?
*

Match #3: Kassius Ohno/Leo Kruger vs. Tyson Kidd/Justin Gabriel

I forgot about the great Kidd/Gabe team. This could have been better, but that comes down to Gabriel looking really out of it and not trying super hard and Kruger not quite being able to hang with Kidd and Hero doing their kind of thing. He had some nice moments and I like him on the whole, but putting him with upper level dudes really exposes him. Ohno had some awesome knees and holds when Kidd was FIP, and then the Gabriel/Kruger end run caused this to break down with a lot of sloppiness. Krueger wins with the Neckbreaker twist deal that I'm calling the Krugerrand.
**1/2

Match #4: Seth Rollins [c] vs. Corey Graves [NXT Championship]

They have a HORRIBLE slugfest to start, but then it's alright. Rollins is decent in control, but Graves is a WOAT level face in peril. Graves puts on his shitty knee hold, and The Shield hits the ring to attack him for the DQ.
*1/2

It's a three on one and Dusty sends the locker room of NXT babyfaces out. The Shield survives and throws them all out, and they hit Bo Dallas with the Triple Powerbomb, because fuck yeah. BIG E. LANGSTON COMES OUT, AND HE RUNS OFF THE SHIELD! YEAH! Dusy then books Rollins/Langston for the title next week!
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

B-SHOW ROUNDUP:

As usual on Main Event, Miz and Cole preview everything in the ring. Antonio Cesaro comes out for his title defense and he does the usual stuff. Miz cuts him off and says he's tired of this and if he doesn't like America, then he can take his Swiss Miss and his silk scarves and go on Swiss Air back home. Cole calms it down, and they leave the ring before Khali comes out.

Antonio Cesaro [c] vs. The Great Khali w/ Natalya & Hornswoggle [WWE U.S. Championship], Main Event (January 2nd)
This is another good way for Cesaro to show his insane power. He stalls a bit before he goes to the knee, and he has some good knee work. Due to the structure of Main Event though, this probably went much longer than it needed to, getting close to 10 minutes. Cesaro manages to get The Neutralizer off for the win.
*3/4

The Usos vs. The Prime Time Players, Superstars (January 3rd)

This series will never end. This is another really good one, and the PTP are increasingly better at filling time now. It's a lot of basic stuff and they're never going to get on top in WWE these days with what they're doing, but they're real good as jobbers to the stars here. The Usos have great dives, good punches, great hot tags, etc. They're not as great as they'll become in a year, but still awesome. Good finishing run, and Titus gets beat with the Double Flying splash.
**1/2
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: The Big Show, Since 10/28/2012
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Eve, Since 9/16/2012
NXT Champion: Seth Rollins, Since 8/29/2012

WWE Smackdown
January 4th, 2013
Richmond, VA


Randy Orton comes out to open the show and gets the mic. He says it's the first Smackdown of 2013 and his resolution in 2013 is to be World Heavyweight Champion again. He says Smackdown used to be his show but he's going to fix that by entering himself in the Royal Rumble. Sheamus comes out and he says he was planning to do the exact same thing and says he wants to be the World Heavyweight Champion again and he wants to declare his entrance in the Royal Rumble. He thanks Orton for the save against The Shield, and Orton says he did that for revenge, not to help him. He says he doesn't care about him, and it's about him, just like the Rumble. Sheamus says he knows how the Rumble works, and Orton says he can't wait to eliminate him then. Sheamus asks what happens if he kicks his head off his shoulders at the Rumble but his body stays in the ring. The Big Show comes out and he says they're fighting for a shot to get knocked out because he'll knock out Sheamus again and he'll stomp on the Viper. He says he's a giant, and Antonio Cesaro comes out. He insults Americans for being all talk, so Booker T comes out and makes a TAG TEAM MATCH PLAYA.

TONIGHT: WADE/KOFI FOR THE IC TITLE!

Match #1: The Miz vs. Heath Slater w/ 3MB
This gets 11 minutes, because everything is awful. 3MB gets ejected, and Slater works on the arm. There's a lot of super super middling stuff here where Heath does the same psuedo-London Dungeon type hold and stretches the arm in the ropes. Miz decides he won't sell any of it and comes back in his super pedestrian way. He hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the win, and they could have done this in a minute.
*1/2

In the back, Striker is with Wade Barrett. He says he's the new Intercontinental Champion, but that's never good enough for the media so they create a scandal, but he will remain the Intercontinental Champion.

Match #2: The Great Khali/Hornswoggle/Natalya vs. The Colons/Rosa Mendes
Fuck this gay earth. Khali beats Epico with the head chop.
3/4*

In the back, Striker is with Kofi Kingston now and asks about the match tonight. He says Wade is holding his title right now and he got the best of him to cost him the title on Monday, but this might be his last shot. He says his back's always been up against the wall his entire life, and he'll fight again tonight.

Match #3: Wade Barrett [c] vs. Kofi Kingston [WWE Intercontinental Championship]
This also got a lot of time. Wade tried his best and is perfectly solid. He's not amazing and rarely blows me away with anything, but he doesn't really do anything embarrassing either. Kofi on the other hand, is still the worst. He blows just about every roll up he tries, his highspots are super clunky and awkward, and his strikes don't look like they could harm a child. Kofi hits the fucking kick, but Wade rolls out. Later on, Wade hits the Bullhammer out of the air to win.
*3/4

Match #4: Tamina vs. Layla

The weird Tamina push continues here as she basically squashes Layla. This isn't nearly as good as her NXT win as Layla doesn't get stiff with her and they have the usual WWE restrictions on womens' matches. Tamina hits the Drop and then the Superfly Splash for the win.
3/4*

RAWREBOUND

Match #5: Randy Orton/Sheamus vs. The Big Show/Antonio Cesaro
Real house show level stuff here. Big Show is fine doing his slow methodical non-big match deal, and neither Sheamus nor Randy is really pushing him to do anything else. Show is also in for most of this, until it's time for Cesaro to carry the finishing run and then drop the fall. Sheamus steals the hot tag from Orton, so Orton gets the RKO on Cesaro when Sheamus sets for his kick. Sheamus then covers to win. Super disappointing effort.
**

Orton and Sheamus stare each other down post-match.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: The Big Show, Since 10/28/2012
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Eve, Since 9/16/2012
NXT Champion: Seth Rollins, Since 8/29/2012

WWE Raw
January 7th, 2013
Tampa, FL


TONIGHT: THE ROCK IS HERE! CM PUNK VS. RYBORK FOR THE TITLE IN A TLC MATCH!

John Cena comes out to open the show and says it was a gloriously craptastic end to 2012. UGH. STARTING ALREADY, HUH? Cena hypes up the WWE Title match and then is excited for The Rock coming back for some reason. HATE HIM, JOHN! He goes over being in the Rumble, and then WWE Team Rocket of Ziggler, AJ, and Big E comes out. AJ asks if this is what helps him feel better and says that joke wasn't enough last week and asks if lying to her and toying with her wasn't enough. AJ says he's a petty, pathetic, SMALL man and he's a very small man. Cena blows it off and congratulates AJ on her first wiener joke and then he tries to start a wave for no reason. Ziggler yells enough and says every time somebody bests him, he laughs it off, denies it, and hopes they go away, and says to cut the crap. Cena says he did that last week, and Ziggler loses his mind and says he's entering the Rumble too. Cena challenges Ziggler to a match, and Big E accepts for him.

Match #1: John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ AJ & Big E. Langston
Fuck this match. It's sort of great, but Cena's entering the 1989-92 Hogan portion of his run where the skeleton of a once great formula is there, but it's become lifeless and upsetting. They work well together and then the seconds get ejected. Cena kicks out of the Peace Zig and Superkick pretty easily, survives the Sleeper, and there's a ref bump. Big E runs out to hit the Big Ending and leaves again, but Cena kicks out of that when a new ref comes out. Then he pops up like nothing's happening and hits ONE and only one FU to put Ziggler down for three. Cena just did not give a fuck about this at all, and now that he's going back to main events in 2013, all the zest with which he put Ziggler over huge at the end of 2012 is completely gone and it's a soulless burial machine. This match is super upsetting.
**3/4

Match #2: Eve Torres [c] vs. Kaitlyn [WWE Divas Championship]

This is mostly a set up for their next match as Kaitlyn powers through Eve's matwork and then dominates before Eve grabs the title and runs away through the crowd for the count out.
*

NEXT WEEK: RAW TURNS 20!

included a backstage segment in which Santino Marella spoke with Ricky Steamboat, with WWE IC Champion Wade Barrett interrupting and insulting both men; after Barrett left, Steamboat offered to be in Marella's corner for his match with Barrett later in the show

In the back, Striker interviews Randy Orton and asks about the Royal Rumble. Orton says he's going to win it again this year and there's only one Randy Orton. 3MB comes over and Slater says they've entered too, babay, and one of them is going to win. Orton challenges one of them tonight and Heath says to pick his poison and Orton picks Slater.

Match #3: Team Hell No vs. Team Rhodes Scholars
This is another average match in this series after their great Main Event one. Sandow has a lot of trouble filling space in interesting ways and Cody continues his yearlong streak from 2012 of not really caring about his performances at all. Daniel gets in at the end, but quickly hurts his knee and Cody takes over with the Cross Rhodes as he avenges his loss on the first Raw of 2012 to Bryan.
**

Match #4: Randy Orton vs. Heath Slater w/ 3MB

Basic showcase for Randy, but at least this is confined to four minutes and not 10 or 11. RKO ends it.
*3/4

Post-match, Drew and Jinder also get RKOs.

Match #5: Wade Barrett vs. Santino Marella w/ Ricky Steamboat
Showcase match for MWAY, which is weird because he's the one that gets the jobber entrance. Wade mostly goes his high-end of generic striking and wins with the Bullhammer.
*1/2

Post-match, Ricky checks on Steamboat. Wade moves in, but after Ricky takes his jacket off, Wade leaves.

In the back, Striker interviews Sheamus and asks about if he can repeat what he did last year. Sheamus says no, because he probably won't win the title in 18 seconds again. 3MB comes over and he mocks them for being horrible and asks them to sing Danny Boy with him. HORRIBLE. I HATE EVERYONE. I forgot how god fucking awful the first quarter of 2013 was. He leaves, and I guess that was a match challenge?

The Miz is on commentary for the match and he goes after Cesaro on the mic.

Match #6: Antonio Cesaro vs. The Great Khali w/ Natalya & Hornswoggle
This is a 3 minute version of what they did on Main Event. There's the same sort of knee work and Khali offense and then Cesaro hits the Springboard European followed by The Neutralizer to win.
*1/2

In the back, Brad Maddox goes up to Paul, and Paul is mad. He says he told him last week that he does not want him in his life or around CM Punk. Maddox says he can be of service and wants to be the referee tonight, but Paul says he doesn't even want him talking to Vickie Guerrero and he wants him to crawl back under the rock from whence he came and leave him alone.

Match #7: Sheamus vs. Jinder Mahal w/ 3MB
Of course, Drew's the one that doesn't get a match. God damnit. This is your average Sheamus squash as he runs through everything, and they're basically just repeating a lot of stuff from early 2012 tonight. Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick to everyone's surprise.
*

A hype video airs for Punk/Rybork.

Match #8: CM Punk [c] w/ Paul Heyman vs. Ryback [WWE Championship - TLC Match]
This ruled. Total smoke and mirrors and booking marvel type match along with a ton of great Punk bumps and sells, but they got a really good main event Ryback match out of it. Not quite great, but it's a clunky reckless giant and a practical cripple. Rybork breaks the ladder when he drops Punk wrong on it and then throws Punk through a table on the floor super recklessly too. Rybork almost has it, but then The Shield comes out when the lights go out. They beat on him and put Ryback through a table on the floor with the Triple Powerbomb. Punk gets back in and gets the belt down to win.
**3/4

In the back, Striker goes up to Punk and Heyman. Punk immediately cuts him off and says he doesn't have anything to do with any interference, and there is no collusion. He says The Rock's supposed to come out tonight, but he's going to come out first, because he has another pipe bomb to drop.

In the back, Vickie tells Kane and Bryan that next week will be their four month evaluation from Dr. Shelby.

THIS WEEK ON SMOCKDAWN: SHOW VS. ADR

Match #9: The Big Show vs. Kofi Kingston
On one hand, seeing Kofi die is always a great time. On the other, it's a Big Show squash and these have been pretty boring and routine for a long time now. OR NEVERMIND, BECAUSE SHOW HITS THE KO PUNCH 20 SECONDS IN FOR THE WIN. FANTASTIC.
45/Poop

The show ends with an incredible Punk/Rock segment. First is Punk's "second" "pipe bomb" where he drops some super harsh stuff about WWE that people can't handle at all and then The Rock comes out. they have a great back and forth despite Rock's skills being so far deteriorated, and Punk drops the box with God line before a brawl and Rock hits the Rock Bottom.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YxQ_b_VHyk
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: The Big Show, Since 10/28/2012
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Eve, Since 9/16/2012
NXT Champion: Seth Rollins, Since 8/29/2012

WWE NXT
January 9th, 2012
Orlando, FL


TONIGHT: ROLLINS/BIG E FOR THE BELT WITH NO DQ!

Match #1: The Wyatt Family w/ Bray Wyatt vs. Yoshi Tatsu/Percy Watson
Good first showcase for the new team. Rowan is super rough and not good at all yet. He's not amazing in April 2014 as I write this, but he's at least improved to being average by now. He's super stiff and awkward in the ring here, and being in with Percy doesn't help a lot. Luke Harper murders Yoshi at the end and hits a Discus Lariat to win.
*1/4

Match #2: Paige vs. Emma

Emma hates Paige's music and puts her fingers in her ears when she comes out. Dat character commitment. This was good for the three minutes it got, but they wrestled the wrong match for three minutes. Paige hurt her knee and Emma had some awesome work on it, but then they went to the finish super abruptly without any kind of transition out of the knee work or a comeback. Paige wins with the Paige Turner.
*1/2

Match #3: The Colons vs. Michael McGuillicutty/Bo Dallas

There's three average guys here to guide Bo to an average match, which is a big step up for him. McG/SHAH and Primo have some good basic matwork, and then there's a clear step down when Bo gets in, although he's mostly just an FIP here. SHAH has a decent hot tag, and then because we have to protect Bo, Primo beats McG with the Lungblower.
**

Match #4: Seth Rollins [c] vs. Big E. Langston [NXT Championship - No Disqualification Match]

More angle than match, since the actual work here is maybe five minutes total and super super basic. The rest of the Shield comes out to interfere. They interfere again when Big E tries a comeback, and the locker room comes to fight them off. Big E kicks out of the Sliced Bread, and then hits the Big Ending to win the title! FIVE!
**

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Dolph Ziggler w/ AJ & Big E. Langston vs. Sheamus, Main Event (January 9th)
They finally have a great match! Nice! This gets 20ish minutes because Main Event is an amazing show when they care about it. This still isn't a super natural pairing, but they did enough cool stuff and got enough right for this to be a low level great match. Some great battles over things and the usual good control seg combined with a finishing run that really gets to flesh itself out and build. Good nearfalls and Dolph gets hit with the Brogue Kick, but is sent out to the floor and it causes a count out.
***
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: The Big Show, Since 10/28/2012
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Eve, Since 9/16/2012
NXT Champion: Big E. Langston, Since 1/9/2013

WWE Smackdown
January 11th, 2013
Miami, FL


TONIGHT: THE ROCK IS HERE TOO!

Booker T comes out to open the show and he gets on the mic. He says anything Raw can do, Smackdown can do better, and since Raw gave Cena/Ziggler, Smackdown is going to give you Cesaro/Orton! Smackdown ALSO has The Rock, and since Raw gave you Punk/Ryback for the title in a TLC match, he's making Big Show vs. ADR for the World Title and in a Last Man Standing Match! The Big Show comes out and is quite upset and asks off mic what he's doing and asks if this is personal. He says this is crap and he gets the mic. He says he has a vendetta against him and asks why he doesn't want him as World Champion and says he's trying to make the Latinos behind ADR now and says ADR is beneath him and he can't give these people a hero. THERE ARE NO LATINO HEROES. He threatens Booker to change the match, but ADR comes out to run off Show.

Match #1: Randy Orton vs. Antonio Cesaro
Super letdown. Cesaro gets to do a few things, but he's mostly bumping around and trying to make Randy robotically and absent-mindedly going through the motions look good for five minutes, before The Shield runs down to attack Orton for the DQ.
*3/4

The Shield hits Randy with the Triple Powerbomb.

THIS MONDAY: THE ROCK CONCERT PROVES THE LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS

In the back, Striker is with 3MB and goes over their entrance into the Royal Rumble. Drew says the Royal Rumble is added to the world tour and Slater says his mom said they have a 10% chance of winning and going to WrestleMania. Drew says they have an Irish problem and Jinder says Sheamus was out of tune on Raw, and Slater says they're going to beat him like a drum.

In a pretape, CM Punk and Paul Heyman are in the Sun Life Stadium. He says this is where Rock had his last match at WrestleMania and where THE U plays. Punk says people think he's going to ruin his homecoming, but he's not. He's a huge fan of the Rock and his college football career, and he puts on Rock's old jersey. He says he's a huge afficianado so he wanted to come here. Well, no, he wanted to go to where Rock played, but they tore down the Orange Bowl. The place of his glory days is gone. The place where he lived his sports entertainment glory years is ALSO gone, and this isn't the WWE he dominated. It's his house now. CM Punk's WWE. He tells Rock to have a good time tonight and tell people finally he's come back to Miami. And while that's true, he CAN come back to Miami, YOU CAN NEVER GO HOME AGAIN.

Match #2: Dolph Ziggler/AJ vs. The Great Khali/Natalya
Big E and Hornswoggle are on the floor. This is a waste of Ziggler match quality wise, but it's a good win for him in between embarrassing Cena losses. AJ bites Natalya and hits the Sliced Bread #2 for the win.
*

Post-match, Big E. attacks Khali, and Ziggler hits the Fameasser. Big E. brings Hornswoggle in, and hits him with the Big Ending. THREE FEET AIN'T ENOUGH MAN.

Back at the stadium, CM Punk and Paul are still there. Punk says on Raw, Rock said "time's up" referring to his reign with such conviction that he believes Rock genuinely thinks that, like he's some kind of superhero. Punk says the people don't deserve to be saved. He's the best in the world, he's better than the people and he's better than him. Paul says he knows Rock believes he's just as talented as CM Punk, but he's not. He says CM Punk is better than everyone, so it's not personal when he says that. He says he knows his vision is of himself as the conquering hero who frees the WWE Title going into WrestleMania, but CM Punk does not share this "people's vision". In the era of CM Punk, it doesn't matter what your vision is. Punk then takes off the jersey and drops it on the field.

The Rock comes out to the ring, and he gets on the mic. FINALLY, etc. He calls out that asshole Flo Rida in the crowd and says he's back on his show. Rock randomly claims CM Punk has been running Miami and The U down, which isn't even a little right. He talks about how his journey started here and says he's going to kick CM Punk's cookie puss ass and asks if Miami wants to have some fun. Team Rhodes Scholars comes out to the ring and Sandow introduces himself as the intellectual savior of the unwashed masses and intros Cody as the essence of mustachioed magnificence, and they're here to correct him. Cody says they're going to be champions too after they beat Team Hell No, and they don't think The Rock deserves this time. Cody says to leave their ring, and Rock says they have a lot of guts between the bathrobe and the mustache. He stays on the mustache for a while and it's pretty horrible. Sandow asks if Rock knows who the 19th President was and Rock drops "RUTHERFORD B. HAYES, BITCH". Sandow says that's not what the B stands for and the undoes his good will by saying Sandow looks like Abe Lincoln got busy with a Gremlin. Cody asks what won Best Picture in 1993, and Rock says it was Schindler's List. He has a question for Sandow and says if he gets it right, he gets a prize. He asks what you get when you combine an aggregate of minerals with its lowest form, and Sandow says you get rock bottom. Rock says he's right, and he hits the Rock Bottom! Cody then gets the Pinebuster and People's Elbow.

Match #3: Sheamus vs. 3MB
This is a minute and Sheamus beats Heath with the Brogue Kick.
Fart Sounds

Match #4: Team Hell No vs. The Prime Time Players

This is whatever. It's two minutes and they tease working on Bryan's taped up knee, but don't actually do that. Kane gets a lukewarm tag, and he wins with a Chokeslam.
*1/2

ON RAWR: EVE/KAITLYN FOR DA BELT

Match #5: The Big Show [c] vs. Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez [World Heavyweight Championship - Last Man Standing Match]
The Big Show won the title with a match better than it had any right to be, so it's fitting that it ends with another match better than it had any right to be. Show puts on one of his best performances ever as he's tasked with not only making a crowd care about ADR, but then making him into top babyface material, AND HE FUCKING DOES IT. He does a great job going from wanting to just win an easy match and be done with it to desperate. ADR is on the good side of average here with his stuff, and has a few cool things, but this is mostly Show's match. ADR works the arm and it seems useless in a LMS match because it doesn't come back for a while. ADR gets up after a Chokeslam and tackle through the railing, and Show gets the KO Punch. BUT ADR ROLLS TO THE FLOOR AND SLUMPS ON THE APRON AT 9, WHICH COUNTS AS STANDING UP. AMAZING. Show then misses a steps shot into the post that hits him. ADR hits him three times with the steps to the previously worked on arm, then one to the face to get him down. ADR THEN TIPS THE ANNOUNCE TABLE ON HIM! BIG SHOW IS TRAPPED, AND ADR WINS THE TITLE! This is the kind of match that really sneaks up on you.
***
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 1/11/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Eve, Since 9/16/2012
NXT Champion: Big E. Langston, Since 1/9/2013

WWE Raw - 20TH ANNIVERSARY EPISODE
January 14th, 2013
Houston, TX


Vince McMahon comes out to open the show on the mic and welcomes everyone to MONDAY NIGHT RAAAAAAAAAAW. He says four billion people have watched this show in the last two decades. He says tonight is going to be a huge episode with The Rock Concert, and he also books John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler in a steel cage match! The Big Show comes out to interrupt and he says he was robbed of the World Heavyweight Title on Smackdown and he shows the video of the LMS loss. Alberto Del Rio comes out and he offers him a title shot tonight, and Big Show says he's not ready just like he wasn't ready on Friday, and Houston isn't fitting to regain his title. He says he'll do it at the Royal Rumble instead, and ADR calls him something in Mexican before he avoids a cheap shot and knocks Show from the ring with kicking. ADR suddenly being a super face is so jarring. I know they strip guys of cool stuff when they turn face, but it's never been this fast.

Match #1: Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett
Good enough six minutes. Not amazing because it's these two, but nothing really bad happened and it was a clear minimal effort piece from Orton again. Wade hit hard and cared a lot, and then cut off the RKO by throwing Randall into the post, AND THEN HIT THE BULLHAMMER TO WIN CLEAN WAT.
**1/4

In the back, Eve walks but Booker T stops her and says he talked to Vickie, and if she gets counted out or disqualified tonight, then she'll automatically lose the title to Kaitlyn. Eve is not happy.

Earlier tonight, Kane and Bryan are waiting for Dr. Shelby and agree that this is ridiculous and agree to lie and just nod their heads at everything. They shake hands when he comes in and he says he loves to see his star pupils shaking hands. Shelby gets a group hug and asks Bryan what his favorite part about Kane is. Bryan says he likes that he's tall, can set things on fire by lowering his arms somehow, and he's quite a good dancer. Kane says Bryan is very agile in the ring, he has a great beard, and he's not afraid to admit that sometimes he wears women's clothing. He then brings in Sandow and Cody to purposely trigger anger to make sure they're gone. Cody and Sandow insult them and Sandow says this is beneath great psychologists and asks if he has any understanding of his field or what he's trying to accomplish. Cody says he's clearly a failure, just like them as a team. Sandow says they'd be better off with Dr. Phil, SO THEY THROW THE HEELS OUT AND EVERYONE YELLS YES!

Match #2: Kane vs. Damien Sandow
Both men have their tag partners on the floor, and a title match is announced for the Rumble. This is basically all Kane offense for 90 seconds, and he wins with the Chokeslam.
3/4*

WWE HALL OF FAME CLASS OF 2013: MICK FOLEY!

Mick Foley comes out to the ring to give a speech, BUT NEVERMIND THAT SHIT. SIERRA HOTEL INDIA ECHO LIMA DELTA. The Shield hits ringside, but Ryback comes out to save. He gets triple teamed, but then Randy Orton and Sheamus also ran out to even it up. They catch Ambrose alone, and he gets the Shellshocked before Rollins and Reigns pull him out.

Coming back from break, Josh is in the ring to interview Ryback and asks about The Shield. Ryback says every time he's been in the ring with CM Punk, The Shield have allowed him to escape with the WWE Championship. He doesn't care about conspiracies or investigations, but he cannot rest until he gives back to The Shield what they have taken from him. FEED HIM SHIELD. FEED HIM SHIELD.

Match #3: Eve Torres [c] vs. Kaitlyn [WWE Divas Championship - Eve Loses Title on DQ or Count Out]
Quality five here. The stip is worked super well with Eve at a huge loss for how to combat Kaitlyn. Eve puts on an amazing performance in her last match here when she finally takes over, and then the comeback is good. They had some legitimate finisher kickout nearfalls. FUCK YEAH THIS MATCH. Eve also tries to win via count out in a cheap one, but Kaitlyn makes it back and wipes out Eve with the best WWE spear since Rhino left for win the title!
**1/4

In the back, Josh is with Brodus Clay and shows him what CM Punk said last week. Brodus says he doesn't shuck and jive because he has to, he does it because he was born to, and Punk's pipebomb is about to blow up in his face.

Match #4: CM Punk vs. Brodus Clay
Heyman and the Funkadactyls are on the floor. This is decent for three and a half minutes as Punk bumps around, but it's never anything more than a showcase for the champion, which is probably for the best. Punk hits the Shitty Flying Elbow and then puts on the Anaconda Vice for the tap.
**

Post-match, Punk gets onto the mic. He says he just came out here to do what he does every week, and a little later, Rock will come out here to do what he does. Some people may think one or the other is better, and you're entitled to opinions, but nobody is entitled to facts. FACT, he just made a 400 pound monster tap. The most important title in the world, FACT, belongs to him and has for 421 days. The Rock will come and sing and dance and entertain maybe, but at the Royal Rumble, he will not leave the WWE Champion. FACT. HE IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD. FACT.

A tribute airs to vehicular attacks on Raws past.

In the back, The Rock runs into Foley, and they hug. They team up for FINALLY THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO HOUSTON, but then Rock doesn't let Mick do his other stuff. Vickie comes over to yell at them for yelling in the hallway, which is an amazingly fair complaint. She leaves, and Mick asks where Rock's comeback was and Rock says to watch the concert and there's a time and a place for everything.

Match #5: Sheamus vs. Heath Slater vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Jinder Mahal [Battle Royal]
This is whatever. 3-4 minutes of general clubbing as WWE tries their absolute best to make sure nothing interesting or of substantial quality makes its way onto these shows to open the year. Sheamus tosses Jinder and then Drew, but when he's on the apron, they pull him off and Heath gets the upset.
3/4*

Post-match, Sheamus gets everyone with Brogue Kicks because he's a bad person who no-shows stuff and then refuses to get on Trillian and apologize.

In the back, Josh interviews John Cena about the match. Instead, Cena says they should yell about Raw memories and makes a Braden Walker joke. Cena says his recent history is a waste of time to talk about (because it's not good for him), and Cena says the recent future has him in a cage and that house belongs to him tonight and Ziggler will do that the WWF did when WWE came calling, and that's get the F out. AWFUL. OH MY GOD, HE IS SETTING NEW STANDARDS.

I made it two weeks before refusing to recap something awful, but I can't do this:

featured an in-ring segment of MizTV with Ric Flair as the guest to discuss his favorite Raw moment; Flair then said the Raw the day after WrestleMania 24 and his retirement was the biggest of his career and said he looked forward to when Ryback brings down the Shield; Miz then introduced a video package on the biggest talkers of Raw history; as Miz prompted Flair to give his own catchphrase, WWE US Champion Antonio Cesaro came out with an American flag and insulted both for being failures; Miz then challenged him but Cesaro went to leave the ring, with Flair landing a chop, Miz dropping Cesaro with the Skull Crushing Finale, and then allowing Miz to apply the figure-4 on Cesaro; moments later, Flair dropped an elbow on his own jacket as Miz kicked Cesaro from the ring

Match #6: Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes
The partners are there, and once again, Raw decides to fuck everyone as this goes a singular minute before Danielson wins with the Yes Lock. FUCK THIS SHOW AND COMPANY AND ALL OF LIFE. NOTHING'S GETTING A STAR TONIGHT APPARENTLY.
3/4*

Clips air from the WWE App (huh?), where Eve quits. :(

In the back, AJ cuts a promo with Big E. Langston behind her. AJ recaps all the weddings in Raw history. Big E says his favorite was AJ leaving Bryan at the altar, and AJ freaks out and says becoming GM was everything and the best moment in her life, and she lost it all because of John Cena. Ziggler comes on and wraps and arm around her shoulders and he says tonight, Cena will feel the same pain that he's caused in or outside of the ring, and he's been preparing for this his entire life. Tonight, inside a steel cage, he proves to the world that he is just TOO. DAMN. GOOD. SHOW. OFF. :(

JR comes out to do commentary!

Match #7: John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ AJ & Big E. Langston [Steel Cage Match]
I struggle here. This was a good 13 minute textbook WWE feud ending cage match, and if a Hulk Hogan had this match in the 80s or 90s, I would praise it because it's good for what it is. But at some point after TLC, this feud stopped being Former Ace vs. Hotshot Future Top Guy and became Ace vs. Cheating Midcarder, and there's a massive amount of cognitive dissonance at how fast it shifted for no reason. Cena again kicks out of all Dolph's stuff, with surviving a cage door to the face and then A FUCKING SUPER DDT getting a kickout too. Dolph accidentally hits Langston with the briefcase and then turns into only one FU again for the win. It's a low level great match and I think in a vacuum, I would give this three and like it. It's upsetting as it is but that doesn't mean it's not an awesome bell to bell match.
***

The Rock comes out for Rock Concert IV and it's the worst. The usual super forced "comedy" that Rock's comeback has earned so much scorn for and none of the fun-ish mic work of last week's shows. It also drags on forever and he brings out Vickie to serenade before insulting her. He finally ends it and calls Punk out now, and they have a great pull apart brawl. So basically, CM Punk is cutting best of his career level promo to make this work and Rock really doesn't care unless he's in the same space with him.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 1/11/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Kaitlyn, Since 1/14/2013
NXT Champion: Big E. Langston, Since 1/9/2013

WWE NXT
January 16th, 2013
Orlando, FL

Match #1: Adrian Neville vs. Sakamoto

Hey, PAC's here! This is a solid showcase for the flippy dude. He's pretty much JUST a flippy dude, but as far as highspots go, he's a fine substitute until Sami Zayn can show up. Neville wins with the Corkscrew SSP after some fun stiffness.
*3/4

TONIGHT: KIDD/GABRIEL VS. CESARO/SANDOW!

Kassius Ohno joins commentary for the next match.

Match #2: Trent Baretta vs. Leo Kruger
Glad to see Trent's still on TV here, at least for a few more weeks or months if I'm so privileged. Ohno keeps antagonizing Regal until Regal warns him that while he's calmer than he used to be, he'll turn him into a vegetable. This is about Trent having hurt ribs and Krugert does good work there. Trent sells a lot and while Kruger isn't complete yet, he has some great moments and takes an amazing bump out to the floor near the end. Ohno gets up and runs down to hit Trent with a Rolling Elbow on the floor, and he rolls him in and to the Krugerrand to win. But some asshole ref comes out to show footage, and the decision is reversed!
**1/2

Big E. Langston comes out and he gets on the mic and says as your new NXT Champion, he welcomes us to the Era of FIVE. FIVE. FIVE. FIVE. Camacho comes out and says it was about the money the first time, but now he's got some gold, and he wants to take that tonight, holmes. Big E nods, and a referee comes out!

Match #3: Big E. Langston [c] vs. Camacho [NXT Championship]
This is another great minute long Big E squash. Big Ending gives him the three.
*

BUT THREE AIN'T ENOUGH MAN. Langston hits another Big Ending and gets the five.

Match #4: Antonio Cesaro/Damien Sandow vs. Tyson Kidd/Justin Gabriel
Another one of those NXT matches from main show talent that's clearly very good, but held back a ton. This was eight minutes and in second gear for most of that. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that it was largely Sandow and Gabriel and they're acceptable, but not capable of greatness unless led by the hand. Kidd got in at the end, and Cesaro never got to do anything really. Kidd hits Sandow with the Springboard Flying Elbow for the win.
**1/4
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

Randy Orton vs. Antonio Cesaro, Main Event (January 16th)
This gets close to 20 minutes, and is very good. Cesaro puts on an amazing show, but Randy Orton does not give a single fuck here and it takes a while for this to get good. Coincidentally, that happens when Cesaro takes over and Randy doesn't have to half-ass his way through shitty punches and kicks. They had a decent finishing run, but were clearly holding back things too. Very obvious house show effort from Orton, and the Shield comes out to attack Orton for the DQ.
**1/2

The Miz comes in to save, but it's 3 on 2. They toss Miz away after he gets the Spear from Roman, and Orton is laid out with the Triple Powerbomb. The Shield leaves, and Cesaro comes back in to hit Miz with the Neutralizer.

Right before the next match, Brad Maddox hops the rail to replace Miz.

The Usos vs. The Prime Time Players, Main Event (January 16th)
Hey, this match again. Haven't seen you in two weeks. This is good as always, but Braddox steals this. He tries to throw it to commercial after a minute and then "brings them back in" after 30 seconds. Cole tries to instruct him while also demanding security comes down, and it's so entertaining. He tries to coerce the WWE HR number out of Cole on the air so he can get his direct deposit set up AND THROWS IT TO ANOTHER FAKE COMMERCIAL AND SAYS THIS IS SPONSORED BY WRESTLEMANIA 13. They sacrifice a good match to this, but then they get sort of serious for the great Usos hot tag. Flying Splash beats D-Young, and Braddox bails through the crowd again.
**1/2
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 1/11/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Kaitlyn, Since 1/14/2013
NXT Champion: Big E. Langston, Since 1/9/2013

WWE Smackdown
January 18th, 2013
San Antonio, TX


featured an opening in-ring segment in which Ricardo Rodriguez, along with several mariachi performers and dancers, introduced Alberto Del Rio as the new World Heavyweight Champion; ADR then entered the ring and spoke about beating the Big Show the previous week, with Dolph Ziggler, AJ, & Big E Langston interrupting and Ziggler saying the only thing ADR had was a target on his head and he would use his Money in the Bank title shot to cash it in on ADR; as the two went to face off, Show walked out and also confronted ADR in the ring; moments later, Sheamus appeared, noted his history with ADR, but then congratulated him and shook his hand; the four then prepared to fight until Booker T interrupted, joined them in the ring, and said Show & Ziggler would face ADR & Sheamus later in the night; Booker then sent Show, Ziggler, AJ, & Langston backstage before ADR encouraged Booker to do the Spinaroonie in the ring

Before the opening match, Cesaro comes out with a US flag.

Match #1: Antonio Cesaro vs. Kofi Kingston
This isn't the carryjob it will become in the spring, but is instead what it should be. It's a three minute showcase for Cesaro. The Miz is seen watching in the back. Cesaro gets to do the Deadlift Gutwrench Suplex. Kofi fights back with his bullshit to pretend this is even, and Cesaro hits the Neutralizer to win.
*3/4

Post-match, The Colons and Rosa see Miz watching in the back as they walk by. Primo says they saw him with Ric Flair on Raw, but he's not in Ric Flair's league. They then do the REALLY, and Miz says that's clever and he's glad they finally learned to talk. Miz challenges one of them and tells Rosa to choose, since she has to provide some use around here.

Match #2: The Great Khali w/ Natalya vs. Tensai
This is a minute and Tensai wins with the brain chop. :(
1/2*

In the back, Team Hell No talks. Bryan says he doesn't get why Dr. Shelby brought Team Rhodes Scholars to their session. Kane says it was a worse idea than Cody's mustache, and Bryan says some people don't understand when their facial hair starts to look ridiculous. Kane agrees and looks away, and Bryan gets defensive and says to say it. They argue about that and Randy Orton comes over. He asks if they're going to act like second graders or deliver some pain and Kane says both and leaves. Bryan says they're working through anger issues, which Randy should understand, but unlike him, they've been successful and they're champions. Orton says after he wins the Royal Rumble, he will be, and Bryan says he has to take it one step at a time. They win their tag match tonight first, and then GROUP HUG. Orton says he's not a hugger, and Bryan says he's not YET.

Match #3: Randy Orton/Team Hell No vs. Wade Barrett/Team Rhodes Scholars
This gets about eight minutes, BUT FUCK THAT. COMMERCIAL BREAK DOWN TO FOUR. WWE! WWE! WWE! WWE! WWE! It was good enough for then, but yeah, super disappointing editing choice here. Wade continues to try hard and looks good again. Orton has a decent hot tag, and beats Sandow with the RKO.
**

Post-match, Team Hell No forces Orton into a group hug.

Match #4: The Miz vs. Primo w/ Epico & Rosa Mendez
This is decent enough AND THIS GETS SIX MINUTES. WHAT THE FUCK? Primo is one of the most underrated carry dudes of all time though, so he makes this work a lot better than Miz doing this with Slater or McGillicutty or someone. He's basically the Puerto Rican Brad Armstrong at this point, where he does absolutely nothing poorly and is just solid enough in every department that he almost never has bad matches and is the perfect guy to slot in anywhere on the mid and lower card. JBL drops a subtle TNA burial line as he talks about tag teams and uses the Dudley Boyz as an example of a great team that couldn't make it as singles wrestlers. Miz wins with the UGH SHITTY FIGURE FOUR.
**

In the back, Booker and Teddy congratulate Kaitlyn as she walks to the ring.

Match #5: Kaitlyn vs. Aksana
YEAH MAH GIRL AKSANA. Kaitlyn isn't amazing or anything, but on top of being part of NXT Forever Season, I'll always like her because she's a relative bump freak for the diva's division. She takes a great and totally unnecessary bump off the apron here in a three minute showcase match for her. Aksana has some alright arm work, and Kaitlyn hits the Spear to win.
*3/4

A highlight video of Mick Foley airs.

In the back somewhere, The Shield have the camera and cut a promo. Ambrose calls the WWE Universe, Sheamus, Orton, and Ryback to attention. Ambrose says on January 14th, they crashed Mick Foley's HOF announcement not for nothing but on behalf of the broken dreams he left in the wake of his Hall of Fame career. Rollins says it was in the name of justice, and Ambrose says Foley can lay in denial and deny the responsibility for the example he set and all those kids who sacrificed their bodies to be hardcore. Reigns says they hold him accountable, and Rollins says everyone is accountable. Reigns says Ryback will never get anything back. Ambrose says there are 206 bones in the human body and Randy Orton's body. They broke ONE. Reigns says they're just getting started, and they don't fight for fun like Sheamus, they fight for justice. BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD.

In the back, both Randy Orton and Sheamus are watching. Sheamus apologizes for not saving on Main Event when he wasn't there, and Orton says he doesn't need his help. Sheamus says he didn't look like he needed his help when he got beaten down, and Orton says he's got an answer for everything. Except for him at the Royal Rumble.

Match #6: Alberto Del Rio/Sheamus vs. The Big Show/Dolph Ziggler
All the various seconds are on the floor. This was a good deal since ADR seems briefly reinvigorated by the face turn and title win, and Show seems to be trying, which means they can get some stuff out of Sheamus too with peer pressure. Big E. and AJ get ejected by the ref, and Sheamus takes quite the bump off the top to the floor. ADR has a good hot tag and knocks Show off the apron. He then throws a pail of water on Show, and he's furious but just walks out on the match instead so the faces win by count out.
**3/4
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 1/11/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Kaitlyn, Since 1/14/2013
NXT Champion: Big E. Langston, Since 1/9/2013

WWE Raw
January 21st, 2013
San Jose, CA


To open the show, Paul Heyman and Vickie Guerrero come down to the ring, She says The Rock maliciously embarrassed both of them last week, so she's banned him from the arena tonight and if he comes in, he'll be arrested by the police. A stagehand tells Vickie that he's already here and Vickie throws it to a camera outside. The cops keep The Rock at bay and Rock is mad. She says Vickie is probably in the ring now looking like she swallowed something named stink pickles. The Rock tells the cops that he's going to get in the ring and says they should arrest CM Punk for impersonating a champion and he has imaginary balls and they should arrest Heyman for not wearing a bra in public and says somehow The Rock is getting in that ring tonight, and he leaves. Back in the ring, Vickie says Rock will be arrested if he comes in here, and the only song he has a chance to sing tonight is Jailhouse Rock.

TONIGHT: BEAT THE CLOCK CHALLENGE WITH THE WINNER CHOOSING HIS RUMBLE NUMBER!

Match #1: Randy Orton vs. Antonio Cesaro [Beat The clock Challenge]
This is eight minutes, because commercials. And because apparently one year or so is the learning curve on timing these 3 hour Raws out. I can't tell if these two just don't mesh well or if Orton's laziness is just bringing this series down, because he's refusing to put in any effort here at all. Cesaro got caught looking at the clock and Randy hits the RKO to win.
**

TIME TO BEAT: 11:36

They air the Mick Foley HOF video again.

In the back somewhere, The Shield picks up a camera and Ambrose says it's time the citiizens of the WWE Universe opened their eyes. Rollins says they'll open them for them, and a recap of their actions air.

Brad Maddox hops the railing again to join commentary, and they announce that ADR/Show at the Rumble will also be a Last Man Standing Match.

Match #2: The Big Show vs. Zack Ryder
This is over in about a minute via the JO Punch.
1/2*

Post-match, Show gets on the mic and he counts Zack down to...well, 6. The crowd keeps WHATing him, so Show leaves.

In the back, Paul Heyman is on the phone and Brad Maddox comes in with a camera man and welcomes him to the Brad Maddox Experience. Brad says he would do anything to accomplish his dream, and Paul says he was wrong about him, and says to stick with him, and he'll be on the right track. Brad shakes his hand, and Brad throws it back to the "studio".

Match #3: Ryback vs. Heath Slater w/ 3MB
This is a 90 second squash. Rybork does his his thing, and the Shellshocked gets the win.
*

Post-match, Ryback gets on the mic. He says this Sunday is his first Royal Rumble and it's a match he was made for and will thrive in, and it will lead him to the main event of WrestleMania. FEED HIM MORE.

In the back, The Rock is still with the cops and says he needs to get into the People's Ring tonight, and says the cops aren't here to protect and serve Vickie Guerrero, they're here to protect and serve the people, and says it's about the people. The Rock gets one of the cops to give him his ticket.

CM Punk and Paul Heyman come out and Punk gets the mic. He holds the WWE Title out and says what he has in his hands is more important to him than most mens' families. This is his life's work and for 428 days, he has proven that he is The Man. It's just a fraction of the time that it's taken him to get here for this though, because he's worked half his life for this, the most prestigious title in the WWE, and he won't allow The Rock or any one man to take this from him. He says The Rock is here to ENTERTAIN and ELECTRIFY and sing songs and tell jokes, but he is here to be the champion. He cannot allow The Rock to leave with his title, because this title is why he's here. It's important because he has made it important again. It's prestigious because he has made it prestigious. What matters to The Rock is meaningless, and it's the people. The Rock is PROUD to be the people's champion, almost as proud as he is of being a real champion. He says he's been in the ring and looked The Rock in the eye and he's seen why he's so proud of being the People's Champion, because he CANNOT be the real Champion. He says a long time ago, he had to chose between honest arrogance and hypocritical sincerity, AND HE CHOSE HONESTY. The Rock chose the people and you can call him electrifying, the Brahma Bull, The Great One, BUT YOU CANNOT CALL HIM CHAMPION. THIS BELONGS TO HIM. YOU EARN THIS WITH BLOOD, SWEAT, AND TEARS, AND HE'S EARNED THIS BELT, THIS RIGHT, AND THE POSITION AS THE MAN. This title will remain around the waist of the undisputed WWE Champion. Best in the world. CM Punk.

Match #4: The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ AJ & Big E. Langston [Beat The Clock Challenge]
This is also cut down to 6-7 minutes, but these two work SO well together. This is basically all counters and spots, and they do 90% of an amazing job at it. Miz flubs a few things and then botches the Figure Four in really embarrassing fashion. It's a hold any real fan has seen 10,000 times and could probably do, and he has no idea. Big E causes a distraction for Miz, and Ziggler gets the Peace Zig to win with time left!
**1/2

TIME TO BEAT: 10:56

In the ring, Dr. Shelby has a graduation set up going and introduces himself. He says he's here to oversee Kane and Daniel Bryan graduating from anger management class, and he brings them both out to the ring in graduation gowns. He gives them their hats and diplomas. He says there's usually a top student to be valedictorian and asks them who they think should be valedictorian. Kane says it should be Daniel, and he yells "NO!" and says it should be Kane. They argue about this and Shelby yells at them to stop the argument. Shelby asks if a hug would make him feel better and he says maybe. He asks Kane the same question and Kane says he guesses. Shelby says everyone everywhere is going to hug at the same time. They pressure Lawler and Cole into hugging too, along with strangers in the crowd. All three hug in the ring.

Match #5: Kaitlyn vs. Alicia Fox
Decent two minute showcase for the new champ. Stuff happens and Kaitlyn wins with the Spear.
*1/4

In the back, Paul Heyman tells CM Punk that he wants him to go to the skybox he got him, and says to watch his message to The Rock next.

Coming back, Paul Heyman is in the ring, and he waves to Punk up in the skybox. Paul says he's not just the voice of the voice of the voiceless, but he serves as the WWE Champion's friend, advocate, strategist, and adviser. He noticed that so much of the champion's promo went over the fan's heads, and it's hard to keep up with the best WWE Champion of all time, so he's going to interpret for everyone and keep it simple for the fans. So many people think it's a foregone conclusion that The Rock will win at the Royal Rumble, but he is not. Vince McMahon is a desperate tyrant desperate for anyone to beat CM Punk for the title. It just so happens that January's attempt and flavor of the month is The Rock. Heyman says just like the people, The Rock is stupid to focus on anything else BUT CM Punk, and the Rock's music hits. He comes out with a ticket, which now means if you buy tickets to a WWE show, you can just go backstage and come down the ramp. Rock tells Paul to get out or he'll slap the taste out of his mouth, and Paul leaves. He addresses Punk and says The Rock knows how tough, badass, and dangerous he is, and he's earned the right to call himself the best in the world, but it doesn't change that this is his last night on Raw as WWE Champion. He says he's obsessed with the differences between them but he's got a man who will stand in front of him and rip his face off. He says he's worked for 10 long years for this shot (lol) and says like MLK had a dream, The Rock has a dream to go the promised land one more time and when The Rock is WWE Champion, people will stand and yell "FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE ARE FREE AT LAST!" what the shit. The lights go out though, AND THE SHIELD IS THERE. TRIPLE POWERBOMB. FUCK YOU ROCK. They leave, and CM Punk has the mic up in the skybox and says on top of that mountain, there's only room for one man, and Rock has to pay a price for his freedom. The thing about dreams is that eventually you have to wake up, and when he wakes up, he'll realize that the Great One wasn't great enough to beat the Best. He then holds up the belt in the skybox.

Match #6: Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett [Beat The Clock Challenge]
This goes to the near 11 minute time draw, but with commercial, that's 7ish. As usual, the first half of the match is sort of whatever with these two, and then they have a really good run of stuff at the end. Sheamus really brings the best out of Wade and vice-versa. In the final minute, Team Rocket comes out to distract both men to run down the clock. Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick, with 4 seconds left, but the clock runs out and Ziggler wins the night.
**1/2

In the back, Team Rocket goes to Vickie's office and Dolph says he gets to pick his spot. They make out in front of Vickie to taunt her. Ziggler says he wants #30 and Vickie says he gets to pick between #1 or #2!

In the back, Punk and Heyman run into Vince McMahon. He asks if they think they're clever and says if The Shield gets involved in the match at the Royal Rumble, he'll strip him of the WWE Championship.

Match #7: Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Tensai
This is 90 seconds of whatever. ADR wins with a sloppy Moonsault off the middle turnbuckle.
3/4*

Post-match, Tensai leaves quickly and ADR counts to 10 in Spanish. Neither of them are doing this right.

WWE HALL OF FAME: BOB BACKLUND! FUCK YEAH!

John Cena comes out for the main event segment, and he gets on the mic. John Cena talks about the history of resting on Sundays and says everyone loves Sundays and asks random people what they like to do on Sunday. He singles out a kid and yells at him for ruining his prestige level on BlackOps 2 and reveals that his name on the game is Skidmarks187. This is pretty horrible. After like five minutes of this, he turns it to the Rumble and fuck it. Lots of Rumble people come out and SHOW. ENDING. BRAWL.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 1/11/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Kaitlyn, Since 1/14/2013
NXT Champion: Big E. Langston, Since 1/9/2013

WWE NXT
January 23rd, 2013
Orlando, FL


Shawn Michaels is in the ring to open the show and he shows off the belts for the Tag Team Title Tournament!

Match #1: The Wyatt Family w/ Bray Wyatt vs. Yoshi Tatsu/Percy Watson [NXT Tag Team Title Tournament - Quarterfinals]
More of the same, but more fleshed out. Harper and Rowan do a great job with the control segment on Yoshi, but admittedly, that's mostly Harper's work. Percy gets a tag in and that's whatever, but Harper pretty quickly shuts that down with a Discus Lariat to win.
**

In the back, Dusty talks with Bateman and A-Ri and books them in the tournament next week against Ohno & Kruger. Corey Graves comes over and says he has to be kidding him and says he never got his rematch for the NXT Title and he's being screwed. Riley gets in his face and says if he's feeling froggy, then he should jump, circus boy. He does nothing, and A-Ri and Bateman leave. Dusty tells Graves that nobody wanted to be his partner, not even Jake Carter anymore, and Dusty then books that match tonight since he wants to prove himself.

Match #2: Alicia Fox vs. Sasha Banks
This is whatever, but that's because Alicia was kind of dogging it. Shitty control stuff and then kind of awkward bumping. Sasha rolls through a body slam with a shitty cradle for the win.
3/4*

In the back, DAT GIRL RENEE YOUNG makes her debut by interviewing Aksana. She says it's Paige/Aksana next week, and Aksana says Paige has stolen her look but made it much trashier and says she doesn't know why Paige is all the rage, but she's going to end that next week.

ASCENSION HYPE.

Match #3: Corey Graves vs. Jake Carter
This is a showcase squash for Graves, so it's pretty bad. He wins with the shitty knee hold. Fuck this boring asshole.
3/4*

Match #4: Adrian Neville/Oliver Grey vs. Heath Slater/Drew McIntyre [NXT Tag Team Title Tournament - Quarterfinals]

Fun stuff here. I love Grey's matwork against 3MB, and Neville does his thing. Neville has a good little hot tag and he beats Drew with the Corkscrew Shooting Star Press.
**1/4

Match #5: Big E. Langston vs. Axl Keegan

Another one of those real fun Langston squashes that's under a minute. Big Ending wins it.
*

Big E goes for another for the five, but the lights go out. Ascension Rat Faggot Conor O'Brien challenges Langston to a title match in two weeks.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

Ryback vs. Antonio Cesaro, Main Event (January 23rd)
Cesaro has a straight forward power match with Rybork and as a result, it's one of the best Rybork matches yet. Miz announces his US Title shot for the Rumble pre-show, so that's an event. This isn't great and they'll do better, but Main Event is increasingly becoming the home for top talent to put in house show performances against guys like Cesaro. Miz throws Cesaro back in and it continues, but he rolls out after the Meat Hook and leaves with the belt to take the count out loss.
**1/4

Team Rhodes Scholars vs. The Usos, Main Event (January 23rd)

This gets real time, like 10+, but they pretty much wasted it outside of the first minute. They start with some mustache related shenanigans and mockery, and Cody seems to have learned something of a stooging game, which is missing from like 90% of modern heels. The Usos do good stuff, but they don't really get to do all their big stuff. Sandow has trouble filling time and doing good transitions again, and Cody has some decent work. The hot tag is good, but they cut it off WAY too soon, and Sandow crotches an Uso on the top and just pins him to win. This is basically the story of WWE in 2013 so far, the potential is there, but they seemingly refuse to do good stuff with it.
**
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 1/11/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Kaitlyn, Since 1/14/2013
NXT Champion: Big E. Langston, Since 1/9/2013

WWE Smackdown
January 25th, 2013
Sacramento, CA


Fuck it, let's get move on the Rumble.

included an opening in-ring promo by WWE Tag Team Champions Daniel Bryan & Kane in which they addressed rumors that they had gone soft after their graduation on Monday, then argued about which of them would win the Royal Rumble match after beating Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes; moments later, Big Show interrupted and said no one cared about their chances of winning the Rumble because he would soon be World Heavyweight Champion again and would squash them, should either of them earn a Wrestlemania title shot; after Bryan & Kane said they weren't going anywhere, Sandow & Rhodes interrupted, with Sandow warning Bryan & Kane not to underestimate them and Rhodes adding that they would be tag team champions at the Rumble; the three then cornered Bryan & Kane until World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio, alongside Ricardo Rodriguez, came out to even the odds; Booker T then interrupted and set ADR, Bryan, & Kane vs. Show, Rhodes, & Sandow for later in the show in an elimination match; after Booker went backstage, Show tried to jump ADR but fell into the corner

Match #1: Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett
This got eight minutes or so, and was yet again these two having a good match with the potential to be a great one. This doesn't have a ton behind it so much as a lot of slugging it out. They had some great counters to stuff that worked on Raw though, which was nice. It turned into less of an even match like on Raw and more into your 2012-style Sheamus showcase near the end though, as he hits the White Noise and follows with the Brogue Kick for the win.
**1/2

THIS MONDAY: RAW ROULETTE!

RAW REBOUND!

Match #2: Natalya vs. Rosa Mendes
The Colons, Khali, and Swoggle are on the floor. This is pretty bad because it's a Rosa Mendes match. Nattie wins with the Sharpshooter after some Hornswoggle naniganery.
1/4*

CM Punk and Paul Heyman come out to the ring. They hilariously overdub the heavy SD Crowd Boos audio file to a ridiculous extent. Punk gets on the mic and says he's scared. He's so frightened that he can't sleep at night, and what he's afraid of IS HIS OWN POTENTIAL. 432 days as WWE Champion and everything you see around you is all just the surface he's just begun to scratch at, and one thing jeopardizes 432 days of unparalleled brilliance. It's not The Rock, he's just a man and he's breakable, but what he's talking about is The Shield! Because of them, a stipulation is put in place for the Royal Rumble, and has Paul read a letter from WWE detailing the stip made on Raw. He says because of that, Vince McMahon has grounds to swoop in and STEAL from him what no man has been able to beat him for. He says nobody's had the stones to do this, BUT HE'S CALLING OUT THE SHIELD TO THE RING TO CLEAR THE AIR. They come down and get on the apron and Punk says he never asked them to attack The Rock or Ryback or asked them for anything, and says to stay out of his way. He says if they're here to fight injustice, then they should know that the greatest injustice would be if he was stripped of this title. He doesn't want their help, he doesn't need their help, because he's the best in the world. He says they never have to cross paths again if they stand for justice, and the Shield steps down from the apron. They leave through the crowd and Punk says that's how the champ does it! BECAUSE HE'S THE BEST IN THE WORLD! He says in 2 days, The Rock is just like everyone else when it comes to the champ, he's inferior. HE'S THE BEST WWE CHAMPION EVER. HE'S THE BEST IN THE WORLD. HE'LL TAKE THE LEAP RIGHT NOW AND BREAK NEW GROUND. HE IS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME.

The Rock comes out at that and says his gut says he's a liar. He's working with The Shield, and his heart says despite that, he just don't give a damn, because his boot says this Sunday, it's getting shoved straight up his candy ass. He says the walls are closing in around CM Punk (he says this three times) and he's going to panic and crack at the Rumble, and when it does, he's going to hit him with the Rock Bottom. When he's in the air, time will stand still and he'll have one thought and it will be that it's over. Rock promises him and he promises the world that he will become WWE Champion and beat him in the middle of the ring, and it will be over. If you smell what The Rock is cooking. Pretty lame promo as a counter.

Match #3: Randy Orton vs. Drew McIntytre w/ 3MB
This lasts about a minute before the other members of the group attack for the DQ.
1/2*

Post-match, Orton hits all three of them with RKOs.

Antonio Cesaro is on commentary for the next match.

Match #4: The Miz vs. Darren Young w/ Titus O'Neil
This is pretty short, and Cesaro overshadows it with some great work on how the Miz is everything wrong with America. He spouts some great stuff about how reality shows are the decline of US society and he celebrates mediocrity, and The Miz being popular at all and in the spotlight shows how far the US has fallen. This is fairly short, and Miz wins with the Figure Four, this time done right.
*1/2

ROYAL RUMBLE BY THE NUMBERS!

Match #5: The Big Show/Team Rhodes Scholars vs. Alberto Del Rio/Team Hell No w/ Ricardo Rodriguez [Elimination Match]
This is only like 10 minutes, which is really fucking stupid for an elimination match when they could have simply done a normal six man and actually fleshed it out. Sandow is out two minutes in after a Chokeslam, and the quality picks up once he's out. Kane and Show fight on the floor, and Show lands the KO Punch. Kane is out on the floor and gets counted out! Bryan works the next few minutes, but Show knocks him to the floor with another KO Punch and he's out for another count out. Show accidentally crotches himself coming in when ADR pulls the top rope into his dick and he hits some kicks. Show falls out, and he's ALSO counted out. Cody vs. ADR rules for 2 minutes, and ADR wins with the Corner Enzuiguri. Super disappointing use of the stip.
**1/4

Post-match, Show knocks out ADR with the KO Punch on the floor. He throws him behind the table and he tips the announce table on ADR in revenge and counts to 10.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: CM Punk, Since 11/20/2011 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 1/11/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Kaitlyn, Since 1/14/2013
NXT Champion: Big E. Langston, Since 1/9/2013

Match #0: Antonio Cesaro [c] vs. The Miz [WWE U.S. Championship]
Cesaro does what he can here. Striker tries to save his job at the last moment with a super Republican rant against welfare out of nowhere. Cesaro's control seg is really good, and then Miz does his stuff to bring it down a level. Cesaro goes to the floor and Tully's Miz into the steel part of the apron and then gets the Neutralizer back inside for the win.
**1/4

Posted Image

WWE ROYAL RUMBLE 2013
JANUARY 27TH, 2013
PHOENIX, AZ


In the back before the opener, ADR and Ricardo walk, and Bret Hart stops them. He puts him over and says he reminds him of a Mexican Bret Hart. It's actually embarrassing how hard they're pushing ADR as top face, but then they did the same embarrassing "LOOK EVERYONE LOVES HIM AND HE WINS EVERYTHING CHEER HIM MORE" super push they gave Sheamus in 2012 too. It's a shame, because he's been super motivated and transparent stuff like this just hurts him with how obviously untrue it is. But then Bret gives Ricardo the shades.

Match #1: Alberto Del Rio [c] w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs. The Big Show [World Heavyweight Championship - Last Man Standing Match]
This is a quality match again, but in a more in a low key good WWE kind of gimmicky LMS kind of way and not the great simplistic way of their first match. There's some nice stuff playing off the first match at points, like Show trying to throw the steps at ADR and not running in with them. Show choke-throws ADR off the hanging stage deal through a table in a cool spot, and back in the ring, ADR works on the arm. He puts on the Cross Armbreaker, and Ricardo duct tapes Show's feet around the bottom rope. ADR lets go and since the arm is messed up, Show can't push himself up either, and ADR wins.
**3/4

In the back, Striker interviews Team Rocket and goes over the Beat the Clock win. Dolph says Vickie is bitter, jaded, and pathetic and 1 and 2 are exactly the same, and he's choosing #1, because that's what he is. Big E and AJ scare off Striker and Big E takes over with a white person voice and asks Dolph what his plans are after he wins. Ziggler says after he wins, he'll cash this contract in to win the World Title, and go to WrestleMania and win the WWE Championship, and unify them. SHOW. OFF.

ROYAL RUMBLE PROMOS:
-Cesaro says the last few Rumble winners have not been Americans and that streak will continue. Although Edge, Alberto Del Rio, and Sheamus all pale in comparison to Cesaro.
-The PTP blow the whistle and Titus says it's a personal foul on anyone who thinks they have a leg up on the Prime Time Players. MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
-Randy Orton says there's no friends, partners, or allies, and it's his kind of night.
-John Cena says he's got a target on his back and says with WrestleMania on the line, the Champ is here
-Wade Barrett says he's going to restore credibility to the Royal Rumble like he's restored it to the Intercontinental Title, and nobody can stop the barrage
-Sheamus says most men have never won one Royal Rumble, let alone two, but he's got 29 Brogues for 29 superstars, and it's time to fight
-Ryback says he's not the best in the world, the world's strongest athlete, he's not eating Fruity Pebbles, he's not going to have a pint after the match, but every 90 seconds a new man enters, and he says to FEED. HIM. MORE.

Match #2: Team Hell No [c] vs. Team Rhodes Scholars [WWE Tag Team Championship]
Another underwhelming one here with about 9 minutes. Most of that is Kane as the FIP for some reason, which is super average. It makes sense a little bit to get the Bryan hot tag, but that gets cut short. Kane and Sandow also somehow botch a basic Swinging Neckbreaker spot. Bryan does his thing and after 30 seconds, he makes Sandow tap to the Yes Lock.
**

ROYAL RUMBLE BY THE NUMBERS!

Match #3: THE 2013 ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH~!
-#1 is Dolph Ziggler
-AND #2 IS CHRIS JERICHO
-FUCK YEAH, IT'S THE ULTRA RARE IN THE 2010S MOTIVATED JERICHO!
-#3 is Cody Rhodes
-#4 is Kofi Kingston
-Thank god he can cool this off after a hot start
-#5 is Santino Marella
-He thinks he's eliminated everyone but only gets them on the apron
-Ziggler Superkicks him, and Cody vultures the elimination
-#6 is Drew McIntyre
-YEAH
-Jericho and Dolph both have awesome close calls
-#7 is Titus O'Neil
-MIDCARD RUMBLE YEAH
-Titus does the MILLIONS OF DOLLARS dance while holding Kofi in his arms
-Jericho hits Drew with the Triangle Dropkick and Drew does a beautifully unnecessary flip bump to the floor AND DREW MIGHT WIN THE 2013 PAUL LONDON AWARD!
-#8 IS GOLDUST
-YEAH!
-Goldust goes after Cody
-#9 is David Otunga
-OAO
-#10 is Heath Slater
-#11 is Sheamus
-Sheamus cleans house, which isn't great, but at least something's happening
-Sheamus tosses Titus
-Brogue Kick knocks Otunga off the apron
-#12 is Tensai
-#13 is Brodus Clay
-Cody and Goldust have a great apron fight
-Goldust clotheslines Cody back in, but then Cody whips Goldust into the post and he takes a great bump to the floor for the elimination
-#14 is Rey Mysterio
-#15 is Darren Young
-Everyone tips Brodus over
-Kofi lowbridges Tensai over
-Kofi gets knocked off onto Tensai's back on the floor, then gets on the announce table.
-#16 is Bo Dallas
-NO
-To compound the awful in this period, Kofi uses JBL's chair as sort of a pogo stick to get to the apron
-This is actually remarkably stupid, as you can put one foot on the floor and just push using the wheels
-Kofi lowbridges D-Young out from the apron
-AND CODY DOES GOD'S WORK AND ELIMINATES KOFI WITH THE DISASTER KICK
-#17 IS THE GODFATHER
-YEAH
-ZIGGLER IMMEDIATELY DROPKICKS HIM OUT
-Godfather struts right to the back with the women
-#18 is Wade Barrett
-#19 is John Cena
-The heels form a line to stop him
-BY GOD EVERYONE WANTS JOHN CENA HOW WILL HE SURVIVE THE RUMBLE WITH A TARGET ON HIS HEAD
-This is better Rumble than 1998, but Cena is so much worse at this than Austin
-He throws Slater out
-And then FUs Cody out
-#20 is Damien Sandow
-Wade kicks Rey off the apron and out
-#21 is Daniel Bryan
-KICKS FOR SANDOW FUCK YOU
-AND ZIGGLER
-AND WADE
-#22 is Antonio Cesaro
-The quality noticeably picks up with this 1-2 punch
-Lots of European Uppercuts
-#23 is The Great Khali
-Cesaro and Sheamus have this awesome battle on the ropes where Cesaro constantly switches position as he tries to push him out
-#24 is Kane
-#25 is Zack Ryder
-Ziggler bumps around for him, and that's all the offense he gets
-Team Hell No gets Khali out
-BRYAN THEN PUSHES KANE OUT
-Cesaro throws Bryan over, but he grabs onto Kane!
-Bryan tries to get Kane to put him back in, but Kane drops him to the floor and Bryan is out.
-#26 is Randy Orton
-He hits Ziggler and Bo with a Double Hanging DDT
-Ryder runs into an RKO and is tosses
-#27 is Jinder Mahal
-CENA ELIMINATES CESARO BOO
-#28 is The Miz
-CESARO RUNS TO THE RAMP TO FIGHT MIZ! YEAH! They get pulled apart though. :(
-Sheamus knocks Jinder off the apron with a knee lift
-#29 is Sin Cara
-Bo pulls Wade Barrett out from the apron!
-Wade pulls Bo over the top and KOs that bitch with the Bullhammer
-#30 is Ryback
-FEED ME MORE
-He throws Sandow out
-PRESS SLAM TO TOSS SIN CARA OUT
-AND HE HURLS MIZ OUT
-CODEBREAKER TO RYBACK! YEAH!
-JERICHO GOES NUTS WITH OFFENSE
-BUT ZIGGLER SUPERKICKS HIM OFF THE APRON! DOWN TO FIVE!
-Sheamus and Orton cool the crowd right back down with what's supposed to be a big showdown
-Orton has his own good run
-BUT RYBACK BLOCKS THE RKO AND CLOTHESLINES ORTON OUT!

FINAL FOUR: DOLPH ZIGGLER, SHEAMUS, JOHN CENA, AND RYBACK

-SHEAMUS BROGUE KICKS ZIGGLER OFF THE APRON!
-ZIGGLER COMES IN SECOND FOR THE LONDON AWARD WITH A FACE-DOWN BUMP TO THE FLOOR!
-Cena and Sheamus ALSO fail for the Big Epic Showdown a la Rock/Austin in 2001
-BUT THE CROWD GOES APESHIT FOR RYBORK YEAH
-RYBORK SIDESTEPS THE KICK AND THROWS SHEAMUS OUT
-FUCK YEAH RYBORK
-I'm not saying they should have called an audible because we've seen how not having booking on his side exposes Ryback, but god damn, this dude was OVER
-They have a solid little run
-Ryback hits Shellshocked
-He tries to run Cena over the top, BUT CENA GETS DOWN AND PUSHES RYBORK OVER TO WIN!

This had a VERY rough start, but once it got about halfway in, it was really good stuff. Great performances by Ziggler, Jericho, Sheamus, Cesaro, Ryback, Orton, etc. The problem here is that at no point was it ever really in doubt that Cena would win, I don't think. There wasn't anyone in here who was a real threat either, and that's due to the switch to ADR being champ on SD largely eliminating Sheamus and Orton from contention, the only other real contenders after Ziggler got kind of buried and Ryback's shots failed. Also the entire world knew Rock/Cena II was happening more or less, which means that Cena's win also telegraphs the main event.

**3/4

An AWESOME hype video for Rock/Punk airs, set to "Champion" by some rappers. Super catchy tune that's perfect for a big title match with the horns and great chorus.

In the back, Josh interviews The Rock. He does his thing and dedicates it to his fucking mom with cancer and UGH TELEGRAPH IT MORE.

CM Punk comes out first for the match in another classic indignity of a long reigning and respectable champion who's had the WWE try to vilify him in favor of one of the chosen ones. Unfortunately, JBL is no Jesse Ventura and doesn't complain on his behalf like Jesse did for Randy Savage.

Match #4: CM Punk [c] w/ Paul Heyman vs. The Rock [WWE Championship]
Punk tries his absolute best, but Rock is huffing and puffing two to three minutes into a 20+ minute match. Punk works Rock's sort of Attitude Era Brawl style, and it comes off like he'd do an amazing job if Rock was 10 years younger. Punk works on the bad ribs but Rock ignores that when he comes back. Punk's knee is the transition point and he sells throughout, but the payoff is Rock's shitty ghetto ass Sharpshooter, so whatever. The announce table gives out before a Rock Bottom when Rock lowers his weight too soon and it's a really bad landing. Punk survives a Rock Bottom on the floor with a kickout. The lights go out before the People's Elbow, then there's a commotion. The lights go on and Cole claims they Triple Powerbombed Rock through the table. Here's the thing, The Shield never ever attacked in total darkness before or after this, so this is clearly a ruse. Punk rolls rock in and gets the pin to win!

FUCK YEAH!

Vince McMahon comes out and tries to reverse the match under the SUPER flimsy excuse that they couldn't see The Shield or anything. Rock sits on the floor and demands a restart, so Vince grants one of his favorite sons the request.

Punk runs through offense, but he does it kind of slowly like Rock is obviously beaten up. BUT ROCK THEN EXPLODES WITH A SPINEBUSTER AND PEOPLE'S ELBOW TO WIN UGH. ROCK NEVER GOT BEATEN UP ON CAMERA, THE SHIELD ARE REVEALED TO WORK FOR THE HIGHEST BIDDER LATER IN 2013, AND VINCE IS ESTABLISHED AS WANTING THE TITLE OFF PUNK. CONNECT THE FUCKING DOTS. THIS IS A CONSPIRACY.
**1/2

Just terrible.

There's nothing worse than these moments in WWE. There's times when they let someone truly exceptional like Randy Savage or CM Punk or the like really run with something for a long time and they improve the quality of main events by leaps and bounds, but then suddenly, it's a switch back to the status quo abruptly. This is worse, because it's compounded with the realization that we just saw a 424 day transitional title reign and that WWE basically fucked over Punk by giving him everything he wanted EXCEPT the one thing he wanted the most (Mania main event dropping the belt to Cena) but did it in a way that he can never complain about. This is up there with the maddest I've ever been at wrestling, and I started to really tune out for a few months. It's even worse because The Rock shows up clearly out of wrestling shape and putting in zero effort after being dragged into something resembling a good feud and on top of that, now we're getting Twice in a Lifetime.

Fuck The Rock and fuck this fucking company, god damnit. Everything is horrible.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: The Rock, Since 1/27/2013
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 1/11/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Kaitlyn, Since 1/14/2013
NXT Champion: Big E. Langston, Since 1/9/2013

WWE Raw - RAW ROULETTE
January 28th, 2012
Las Vegas, NV


In the back, Vickie is by the wheel and announces the night's theme. She books Orton/Cesaro first and spins the wheel. It lands on a Guest Referee stipulation.

CM Punk and Paul Heyman come out, and Punk walks down much quicker than usual, and he grabs the mic. He says this is Day 435 of the reign, and he didn't lose. HE BEAT THE ROCK AND RETAINED THE TITLE. HE'S THE CHAMPION. HE'S THE PEOPLE'S CHAMPION TOO, WHY NOT? He says The Rock is a cheater and he couldn't pin the champion without someone else's help. THEY'RE ALL CHEATERS. NO GOOD THIEVES AND CHEAP SWINDLERS LIKE THE ROCK AND VINCE MCMAHON. HE WAS A REAL CHAMPION. HE DIDN'T NEED ANY HELP OR RESTARTS. ILLEGAL, HE MIGHT ADD. HE WAS SCREWED WORSE THAN BRET HART. He says there's not restarts or water breaks in his world, he keeps yelling that he got screwed and he's here to crash The Rock's party tonight. Vince McMahon comes out and Punk yells that he's a no good cheap flesh peddling hack swindling promoter. Vince says he has a video tape delivered tonight by an unnamed person showing that CM Punk is complicit in some conspiracy involving Paul Heyman and the Shield. Paul takes the mic when Punk is confused and Vince says he's had enough of his crap, and later they're going to talk in the ring as a personal performance review, and says it could result in his termination.

The Miz comes out as the referee.

Match #1: Randy Orton vs. Antonio Cesaro [Special Referee: The Miz]
This was their best match yet, although not quite great. They got about nine minutes and Randy tried a lot more here than the last three times. They didn't waste as much time and Cesaro get to show off a little more. It gets cut off as it's becoming great though with Miz/Cesaro shenanigans. Miz gets aggressive to enforce rules and Cesaro is mad and distracted. He turns into the RKO and Randy wins!
**3/4

Post-match, Miz hits Cesaro with the Skull Crushing Finale.

In the back, Vickie spins some kind of shenanigans wheel for Ryback and it lands on Make Me Laugh.

featured an in-ring segment hosted by Matt Striker in which he had Ryback, Darren Young & Titus O'Neil make jokes; after O'Neil made a joke, Ryback attacked them both and dropped O'Neil with Shellshocked; a laughing Striker then announced Ryback as the winner, with Ryback then dropping him with Shellshocked as well

BOB BACKLUND VIDEO YEAH!

In the back, Vickie spins the wheel and it lands on Player's Choice.

Wade Barrett is in the ring, and he picks Bo Dallas as his opponent. NO. NO STOP IT.

Match #2: Wade Barrett vs. Bo Dallas
This is 2 minutes and basically nothing. Bo is awful and he got about 50% of the offense here, so this gets nothing. Bo wins with the Side Belly to Belly.
3/4*

In the back, Cody rolls and he gets John Cena as his opponent.

Match #3: John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes
This is all of two minutes and it's mostly Cena. After a bit, Cody bails out and he says this isn't worth his time, but Cena brings him back in anyways, and he wins with the FU. Okay!
*1/4

Post-match, Cena gets the mic. He says any of the other 29 guys could come out and say how they should have won, but he's the one man and can say that he won the Royal Rumble. He says eliminating Ryback was the first step, but the next is choosing his champion to challenge, and says he's going to challenge either CM Punk or The Rock for the WWE Championship at WrestleMania 29. He says a real champion finds a way to win, and NOW THAT HE'S LOST THE FUCKING TITLE, JOHN CENA PUTS CM PUNK OVER AS A REAL CHAMPION. WHAT THE FUCK? He says the last six times they've fought, he's either lost to CM Punk, or neither of them have won. That's also not entirely true, because they nuked that story with a throwaway match on the Raw before SurSer where Cena won. He then talks about the Rock and etc etc redemption jerking each other off TWICE IN A LIFETIME. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BUT THE SHIELD COMES OUT TO SAVE THIS! They beat him down, but Sheamus runs out to save! It's still 3 vs. 2 but Ryback comes out to even it up! BUT FUCK THAT, THE SHIELD TAKES THEM OUT ONE BY ONE. TRIPLE POWERBOMB TO CENA! BELIEVE.

In the back, Vickie spins again and Tensai gets a lingerie pillow fight with Brodus Clay. Tensai storms off, and Vickie tells him to spin again. He gets a dance-off, and he says he'll tell Tensai about the change.

featured an in-ring segment hosted by Lawler in which Tensai disrobed to reveal his lingerie, showing that Clay never told him about the stipulation change; Clay, with Cameron & Naomi, danced first; Tensai, in his lingerie, then danced with Clay until Ron Simmons appeared on the big screen and said "Damn!"

In the back, ADR and Ricardo roll the wheel and they get a body slam challenge against The Big Show.

ADR and the Big Show both come out for the match, but Show attacks before the match. Show throws Ricardo out, and then immediately KO Punches ADR. He gets a roll of duct tape, and tapes ADR's arm to the ropes. He then goes out to the floor and beats up Ricardo a lot, and he KO Punches him too. ADR is revived, so Big Show goes back into the ring, and he hits him with another KO Punch before leaving.

Match #4: Kaitlyn vs. Tamina [Las Vegas Showgirls Lumberjill Match]
You know the rules, it's a lumberperson match, so it's going to suck nine times out of ten. This is no exception, because it's about two minutes or less of promising stuff between the power women and then all the lumberjills fight with them and it gets thrown out.
3/4*

The Rock comes out, and he gets on the mic. FINALLY THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO LAS VEGAS, etc. He looks ridiculous with the spinner, not a good fit for the Cena/Punk Title at all. He says this is his eighth WWE Championship and this is the proudest moment of his career and he thanks the fans. He says 434 crap days are over and says the days of CM Punk and Paul Heyman with his twinkie tits are over. CM Punk comes out by himself and says to shut up and says The Rock is embarrassing himself and embarrassing HIM. He made that title special for 434 days and now he's going to ruin it. He says that title wasn't won, IT WAS HANDED TO HIM AND TAKEN AWAY FROM HIM. He says The Rock's been spoonfed everything and if The Rock was a man, he would recognize that he hodls a title prestigious because CM Punk made it so, and if he had any respect for himself or his history, he would come up to him and hand him HIS title back because he stole it from him. Rock challenges him to come and take it and Punk teases it, but says they do this on his schedule and that's at Elimination Chamber. He will ALLOW The Rock a rematch for HIS title and then he'll take it back, and Rock says all he's going to take is the ass kicking of a lifetime, if you smell what The Rock is cooking.

In the back, Damien Sandow rolls a table match.

Match #6: Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow [Table Match]
This was a really good 7 minutes. Sheamus has an injured arm or something, and Sandow goes after it. He uses the table legs and tables as weapons on the arm and Sheamus sells alright for him. He can do better, but whatever. They do a good job of teasing various table spots, but Sheamus hits a White Noise through a table in the corner for the win.
**3/4

included an in-ring segment of karaoke, hosted by Lawler, with Great Khali, Zack Ryder, Hornswoggle, and Natalya Neidhart in the ring; after Khali sang "Sexy Boy," Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, & Drew McIntyre interrupted and said they were the rock stars of WWE; moments later, Ryder, Khali, and Hornswoggle cleared 3MB from the ring

Chris Jericho comes out, and he gets on the mic. WELCOME TO RAW IS JERICHO. Between giving his line and the Rumble performance, he should just head home now because ew, 2013 Jericho matches. He thanks all the Jericoholics for making him feel so good when he's here, and Dolph Ziggler comes out with his backup. He asks why he's even here after he sent him out of the WWE, and AJ says she personally got the match made, so they teamed up for it. Jericho tells Ziggler to put a leash on his dog, and Big E says he should leave now. Jericho says he only has an E for a name, and asks if that's his bra size and says he has giant pecs. Ziggler says to leave with his bad jokes. Vickie comes on the tron and says she hired Jericho back. She spins the wheel and it's Strange Bedfellows, so they're a tag team. Team Hell No comes out.

Match #7: Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler/Chris Jericho w/ AJ & Big E. Langston
This is all of three minutes, so ugh. Jericho is sort of trying again and being against Bryan helps him a lot. Bryan/Ziggler is great again. Bryan and Kane argue, and Jericho then frames Ziggler for attacking Kane from behind. Ziggler turns around into the Chokeslam, and the champions win.
*3/4

HALL OF FAME: TRISH STRATUS!

Vince McMahon comes out and he calls Paul Heyman down to the ring. He says he's had CM Punk escorted from the arena, so he won't be able to help him. Paul comes out in a panic and they shake hands, and Vince then puts on hand sanitizer. Vince asks if he's had The Shield or Brad Maddox under contract, and Paul thanks him for the opportunity to settle this, and the answer is no. Vince asks Paul if he's ever lied, and Paul says in the MSG locker room, Vince Sr. told him that adversity defines a man's character in his darkest hour, and he'll tell him that he has lied every day of his life, BECAUSE HE IS A PROMOTER, AND THAT'S WHAT THEY DO. THEY LIE TO SURVIVE TONIGHT TO GET TO TOMORROW. HE HAS LIED THROUGH HIS TEETH, LIED SWEARING TO GOD, LIED SWEARING ON THE SOULS OF HIS PARENTS, HE HAS LIED EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE, AND HE IS NOT LYING RIGHT NOW.

Vince then goes to the footage from a few weeks ago, and it's Paul Heyman talking to Brad Maddox backstage in a dark part of the arena. Heyman tells the camera guy to shut it off and he puts the camera down but slowly tilts it up. Heyman says the Maddox show is over and says when he and CM Punk needed him to come from obscurity, he was floundering in NXT and they maneuvered him and he paid him handsomely, but he kept coming back for more. When he pays The Shield, they don't keep coming back for more, they wait. The Shield is much more effective than he is, and never threatens him. The Shield comes over and Brad tries to beg off, and Heyman says to take it like a man. Maddox says to tell Punk he's sorry, and Heyman says he's the one who he let down and says this is a learning experience. The Shield destroys Maddox and it cuts out.

Heyman loosens his tie and Vince asks for something. The crowd chants goodbye at Heyman and Paul says that wasn't him. Heyman says he's been falsely accused like Vince was by the federal government. He has a thick New York Jewish accent and it is VERY easy to imitate, and there's many impersonators in Las Vegas. He says he's being set up because of his success with ECW and CM Punk and because he led CM Punk. Vince cuts him off and asks who he's trying to convince. Heyman says that was Maddox and The Shield, but not him. Vince asks the fans if Paul should be fired, and they cheer. Heyman yells not to do this to him and Vince wishes him well in his future endeavors, BUT BROCK LESNAR COMES OUT! YEAH! Heyman says he has it under control and pleads for Vince to leave. Vince says not to do anything he'll regret, AND BORK KILLS VINCE WITH THE F5! YEAH!
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: The Rock, Since 1/27/2013
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 1/11/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Antonio Cesaro, Since 8/19/2012 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett, Since 12/31/2012
WWE Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No, Since 9/16/2012
WWE Diva's Champion: Kaitlyn, Since 1/14/2013
NXT Champion: Big E. Langston, Since 1/9/2013

WWE NXT
January 30th, 2013
Orlando, FL

Match #1: Kassius Ohno/Leo Kruger vs. Alex Riley/Derrick Bateman [NXT Tag Team Title Tournament - Quarterfinals]

Good stuff. The goal of the tournament is seemingly showcase matches like this in the first round to build up the semi-finals and finals, and this does a great job. Bateman's knee is isolated very well, and Ohno keeps staring down and pointing at Regal up at commentary. Riley has a decent hot tag, but Ohno quickly strikes him down with a Yakuza Kick and puts on a Cravat Stretch Plumb to win.
**

Post-match, Corey Graves comes out and puts Riley in his shitty hold until referees pry him off.

Match #2: Mason Ryan vs. Sakamoto
A Mason Ryan squash, so it's real real awful. Press slam stuff wins.
45/Dog Poop

Match #3: Paige vs. Aksana

This wasn't great, because Aksana isn't super good yet, but she's at least trying. Paige gets a nasty Texas Cloverleaf with a knee on the back of Aksana's head for the submission.
*

Post-match, ring announcer Summer Rae attacks Paige and runs away!

In the back, Renee Young interviews Sasha Banks. She's super happy about winning her first match last week, but a stagehand gives her a note. She read it out loud and it says "Roses are red, violets are blue. I lie awake at night thinking of you. - Your Secret Admirer."

Match #4: Bo Dallas/Michael McGillicutty vs. The Colons w/ Rosa Mendes [NXT Tag Team Title Tournament - Semi-Finals]
The Colons and Joe try hard again. Bo is worthless but McG puts in THE EFFORT with his dropkicks and clubbing stuff. Colons have a good control segment on McG again, but that means a terrible Bo Dallas hot tag, which means that the faces are winning because fucking Bo Dallas can't drop a fall ever. His big nearfall move is a fucking knee drop. Bo wins with a Belly to Belly.
*3/4
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

B-SHOW ROUND UP WITH MORE THAN JUST MAIN EVENT THIS WEEK!

Antonio Cesaro vs. Ryback, Main Event (January 30th)
Cesaro again does a very good job with him,but this is lesser as it's like seven minutes and they cut it off midway through logical match progression to do another angle with Cesaro and Miz. Meanwhile, Cesaro has a good lower tier control segment where all of what he does is good, but he avoids giving a lot away in such a nothing match. He rolls out and kicks Miz in the face, before he hops the railing and runs away from Ryback to take a count out loss.
**1/4

Tensai vs. Titus O'Neil w/ Darren Young, Main Event (January 30th)

Big man fight! This isn't great or anything, but there's a few good clubbering moments. Titus seems to accidentally come across throwing a few really great face kicks. D-Young interferes, but Brodus Clay comes out with the Funkadactyls to support Tensai. Weird. Cole theorizes that he feels bad about RAWR. Titus stops working stiff again and does shitty generic stuff and this is pretty terrible down the stretch. Tensai hits a Baldo Spinebuster and HE DOES THE SHOVEL DANCE EMBRACING THE FUNK. Tensai hits a Back Senton to win.
*1/2

Tensai dances with Brodus and the wimmins post-match, and Tons of Funk is born.

The Usos vs. The Colons, Superstars (January 31st)
This isn't their best match, but it's a solid little 8-9 minute Usos showcase. They have some great uppercuts and Superkicks and then Primo guides a good control segment for a little bit. He tries some arm work, but Epico doesn't stay with it, so it ends up not being anything. Whichever Usos gets the tag has some good Flying Forearms too and Epico gets beat after the Superkick and Flying Splash.
**1/4

Dolph Ziggler w/ AJ & Big E. Langston vs. Zack Ryder, Saturday Morning Slam (February 2nd)

These two work super well together again. Ziggler has a headband made of his t-shirt to mock Ryder. Ziggler bumps around a lot since a good amount of his offense focuses on the head and that's not a thing you can do on SMS. AMAZING slight character thing too that probably only Langston intended. Dolph did sit ups in the ring, and the camera showed Big E smiling at 4, then Ziggler refused a fifth, and Big E was upset again. Ziggler avoids the Broski Boot and hits the Peace Zig to win.
**1/4
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

Top 10 Matches - January 2013:

1. The Big Show [c] vs. Alberto Del Rio, Smackdown (January 11th)
2. Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus, Main Event (January 9th)
3. John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler, Raw (January 14th)
4. John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler, Raw (January 7th)
5. CM Punk [c] vs. Ryback, Raw (January 7th)
6. Randy Orton vs. Antonio Cesaro, Raw (January 28th)
7. Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow, Raw (January 28th)
8. THE 2013 ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH, Royal Rumble (January 27th)
9. Alberto Del Rio [c] vs. The Big Show, Royal Rumble (January 27th)
10. Alberto Del Rio/Sheamus vs. The Big Show/Dolph Ziggler, Smackdown (January 18th)

Wrestler of the Month: Antonio Cesaro - 20 Points

Tag Team of the Month: Team Hell No/Team Rhodes Scholars - 10 Points
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