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Simon Watches WWE - 2013
Topic Started: Apr 20 2014, 06:42 PM (16,509 Views)
Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013

WWE NXT
June 19th, 2013
Orlando, FL

Match #1: Adrian Neville vs. Bray Wyatt w/ The Wyatt Family

This is a fun ninety seconds before Harper pushes Neville off the top for the DQ.
*1/4

Post-match, all three beat on Neville until Kassius Ohno and Corey Graves run out to make the save. They run off the Wyatts. Dusty Rhodes comes out and he books a six man for later.

Match #2: Sami Zayn vs. Angelo Dawkins
Another good Zayn showcase, but probably the worst one yet. He lets Dawkins have way too much and Dawkins is clearly one of the freshly trained dudes. Zayn does stuff and he wins with the springboard Tornado DDT.
*1/2

Match #3: Summer Rae vs. Sasha Banks [NXT Womens Championship Tournament - Quarterfinals]

This is whatever. It's not bad at all, but there's very little of interest or note happening in between cookie cutter stuff. Summer is a great heel, but she's still super inexperienced. Sasha has a decent comeback, and Summer wins with the Hog Log thing that Big Show briefly used a decade ago.
*

In the back, Xavier Woods says words. He says the roof is not his son, but he will raise it. OH MY GOD, DIE.

Match #4: Xavier Woods vs. Jake Carter
This sucked. Woods did stuff and won with his shitty Sole Food.
1/2*

In the back, Renee interviews Sami Zayn. He says he can't take exception to Cesaro beating him last week, but he can take exception to being slapped around while it happens. He says he lost last week, but he's got one over Cesaro too, and what usually happens at this point is a rubber match and says it's Antonio's move.

In the back, Sylvester LeFort complains to Dusty about his guys not getting a shot, so Dusty books them vs. Ohno & Graves next week in a tag #1 Contender's match.

A video airs from Bo Dallas in his car. He says he's been super busy this week and can't be there, but for all his BoLievers, he says he did go to Disney World, and shows a picture of him with the belt and a mouse hat on. He then sings "DON'T STOP BOLIEVING".

Match #5: The Wyatt Family vs. Adrian Neville/Kassius Ohno/Corey Graves
This is blast again, and now Neville can also help drag Graves to another great match. Graves' role here is being an FIP guy and not a lot else, so it's perfect. Hero then gets to have a super great hot tag before getting shut down, and Neville is in after that. Hero helps him clean house, and sets him up for the big dive. He goes for the Red Arrow on Bray, but Harper pulls Bray away and levels Hero on the floor. Bray pins Neville for the win.
***
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

The Shield vs. The Usos/Justin Gabriel, Main Event (June 19th)
Decent continuation of the secondary level Shield/Usos thing that's been bubbling under the surface for a bit. Gabriel is an obvious fall guy here and is the worst guy here by a mile or twenty, but the Usos/Shield stuff is awesome. Gabriel has a shitty hot tag and kind of holds this back. He stays on the top rope too long to direct traffic with the Usos dives, but then Ambrose crotches him and hits the Headlock Driver to win.
**1/4

Antonio Cesaro w/ Zeb Coulter vs. Sin Cara, Main Event (June 19th)

Another great Cesaro carryjob, but not as great or complete as their four minute match from the spring, weirdly. Cesaro bumps around for the masked man and does some cool power stuff, and Sin Cara again comes out looking the best he has yet in the WWE. He gets dat Rear Chinlock on to weaken Sin Cara, and then wins with the Neutralizer.
**1/2

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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013

WWE Smackdown
June 21st, 2013
Dayton, OH


featured an opening in-ring promo by Daniel Bryan in which he discussed his match having to be stopped on Raw against Randy Orton, something that has never had to happen to him before; Bryan then said the WWE officials didn't think he was tough enough, and Orton was even more at fault for picking him up, patting him on the head, and treating him like a "dog" after the match; Bryan then said he would prove he was not the weak link and would beat Orton later in the show; Orton then walked out, said he respected Bryan for what he did Monday, and his actions came from respect and not pity; Bryan told Orton not to patronize him and he would shove his respect down Orton's throat, just as he was the first one to beat the Shield the week before; Orton then said the fight was on, and he would hurt Bryan and force him to be carried out; Orton then said "Respect that," dropped the mic, and walked backstage

TONIGHT: ADR/JERICHO

Match #1: Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes w/ Damien Sandow
They had five minutes again, but this was seriously great. They were brutal early on, and Cody used an apron skirt spot as a transition and Sheamus took a great bump to the floor. Cody then slammed his arm back into the post and had some great Cody-style work on the arm. Sheamus sold it pretty well until he came back, and then it sort of went away without really being no sold in any way. Some really good counters to Sheamus' usual stuff and then Sheamus got the Texas Cloverleaf for the win.
**1/2

Post-match, Sandow jumps Sheamus again and beats him down with clubbering.

The Wyatt video from Raw airs.

The Miz is on commentary for the next match.

Match #2: Curtis Axel [c] w/ Paul Heyman vs. Wade Barrett [WWE Intercontinental Championship]
This is whatever. Another 5 minute one here. Miz is teasing a Miz/Axel feud, which, FUCK YOU. This is basically a squash as aside from a few boots, Axel gets all the offense. He doesn't really DO anything with it though, and he's already really fucking boring. He wins super clean with the McGillicutter.
*1/2

Post-match, Miz faces off with Axel, but Heyman gets Axel to leave.

MOK's speech and attack airs again.

Match #3: AJ Lee w/ Big E. Langston vs. Natalya
Decent AJ showcase for a few minutes, and these two again work well together. AJ wins with the Black Widow.
*3/4

In the back, Kaitlyn and Layla are watching. Aksana comes over and says AJ was right and Kaitlyn is trash, so Kaitlyn beats the shit out of her and empties a trash can on her.

Match #4: Chris Jericho vs. Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez
This 100% happened for 7-8 minutes. 2013 Jericho showed up here, and despite being the top guy on Smackdown supposedly, ADR is back to really not giving a shit if his opponent doesn't. And boy, does Chris Jericho ever lack shits to give at this point. Jericho puts an interfering Ricardo in the Walls while ADR rolls out, but then Dolph Ziggler runs out again and has a great frantic attack on ADR for the DQ.
*3/4

ADR rolls in to escape and then back out as Jericho and Ziggler are distracted by arguing, and Jericho stops Ziggler from chasing ADR again, and he lays him out with the Codebreaker. Jericho leaves, and ADR comes back in and hits Ziggler with another Basement Superkick! This could be a great thing to set up a heel Jericho as an obstacle for newly face Ziggler before he can work his way to remat -- holy shit, what am I doing? Dolph Ziggler ever getting a payoff or top guy moment again is hilarious. :(

Match #5: Christian vs. Drew McIntyre w/ 3MB
2010 this is not, so this is only a two minute match. It's a shame, but it's still quite good. Christian wins with the Killswitch.
*1/2

Christian gets on the mic, and he says he came back for that one more match. BUT IGNORE THAT. SIERRA HOTEL INDIA ECHO LIMA DELTA. SHIELD. FUCK YEAH. The Shield attacks Christian, and he eventually is cut down and gets hit with the Triple Powerbomb.

Match #6: Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton
This is only 10 minutes, but it's great again, because Bryan is on a crazy hot streak. Orton brings the brutality with some good throws and great headbutts and European Uppercuts. Has some good cut offs too, and it's no wonder that the best Orton performance of the year so far comes when he's working more as a heel. There's some great nearfalls too, and they manage to do a lot without giving away everything. Given the rest of the year for these two, that's pretty smart. Danielson hits the Tope Suicida and gets in at 9 to win by count out!
***

Post-match, Bryan wants a restart and says that proved nothing. The referee says no, and Bryan ends the show with lots of YESing.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013
Review World Champion: Sheamus, Since 6/16/2013

WWE Raw
June 24th, 2013
Charleston, SC


Daniel Bryan comes out to open the show, and he gets on the mic before his match. He says he's always heard that he has little man syndrome or that he's too short to be a wrestler or that he was an extra in the hobbit, but that's not true. He says be it on NXT or teaming with Kane, SOME PEOPLE have always thought he was the weak link, and those people are morons. He says he's not leaving until he pins Randy Orton or makes him tap out, and he wants to do it RIGHT NOW. Randy Orton comes out and says to shut up and fight, and he misses a cheap shot so Bryan can hit first.

Match #1: Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton
This is only a minute, and a set up for something. They get into a wild and awesome brawl on the floor, but Lil Naitch is being a bitch tonight, and he calls for the bell.
3/4*

They get pulled apart.

In the back, Brad and Vickie are excited about an idea, and Daniel Bryan comes in. He yells about the Double DQ and then yells NO a lot. He says he wants a rematch and he doesn't care what kind of match it is, and this ends TONIGHT. Maddox says no, and Bryan says to give him the match or he'll wrestle Brad, so Vickie books Bryan/Orton again. He leaves and Vickie laughs at Brad's face. Vince comes in and says some people would say Daniel Bryan shouldn't even be a WWE Superstar with his diminutive size and psychological complexities. Vickie asks what he would say, and Vince says he'll let her figure that out.

THIS FRIDAY: SHEAMUS/SANDOW IN A DUBLIN STREET FIGHT FOR THE REVIEW WORLD TITLE

Match #2: Sheamus/Christian vs. Team Rhodes Scholars
This is a solid match again, at just under five minutes. Cody and Christian again happen to work super well together, and the control seg is decent. Sandow gets in when Sheamus gets the hot tag and they don't work nearly as well together. Cody tags himself in and Sandow somehow botches getting out of the ring, leading to Cody clearly shoving him out of the way. Cody is immediately hit with the Brogue Kick, and Sheamus wins.
**

TONIGHT: ADR/JERICHO

In the back, Vickie finds CM Punk texting. Punk says to tell him if Paul Heyman or Brock Lesnar show up and she says she's booking him in a match tonight. Punk ignores her, so she gets mad and Punk screams EXCUSE ME in her face, and again says to tell him if Paul and/or Brock shows up.

Match #3: Kaitlyn w/ Layla vs. Aksana
Dis logical booking. The match isn't good, but at least it makes sense. Kaitlyn basically squashes Aksana, and then AJ comes out in the middle. She's dressed as Kaitlyn, down to the muscle suit and two tone hair. Kaitlyn is briefly distracted, but mows down Aksana with the Spear to win.
1/2*

Post-match, AJ gets on the mic. She says she's Kaitlyn and she lost her dignity and title to the great AJ Lee when she actually thought someone liked her. Big E. Langston comes out with roses and says he loves her. AJKaitlyn says she always dreamed of meeting a man with a voice as deep as hers and legs as big as hers. Layla holds back real Kaitlyn and AJ says she knows she'll never win back the title, so she'll just be the butt of all AJ's jokes.

The same Wyatt Family promo from last week airs.

A recap of the MOK/Cena thing airs.

Match #4: Chris Jericho vs. Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez
ADR/Ziggler is announced for MITB. This gets a full 10-11 minutes now, which ew. Jericho is trying a little harder, so ADR picks up the effort, and they can at least have a good finishing run. Jericho gets the Walls of Jericho on, but Ricardo gets in and hits Jericho in the back of the head with the bucket for the DQ.
**

Dolph Ziggler comes out as Jericho hits Ricardo with the Codebreaker, and he hits ADR with the Peace Zig! Jericho and Ziggler face off now. Jericho brushes past Ziggler, AND ZIGGLER HITS HIM WITH THE PEACE ZIG IN PAYBACK. FUCK YEAH DOLPH ZIGGLER.

In the back, Triple H talks to brad and Vickie and asks what she thinks about cancelling Bryan/Orton. Vickie says that's best and Mr. McMahon was right about what he says about Daniel Bryan. Triple H says she could look at it like that, but it doesn't matter what people back here think and it matters what the WWE Universe thinks, and they like Bryan and want this match. Vickie agrees again, and H says he'd like for her to overdeliver and make it another voting match. Vickie likes it, and H says to just listen to him, and tells Brad that he has on a spectacular suit and wishes they made it in men's sizes. BOOOO.

included an in-ring segment hosted by Jerry Lawler in which he, alongside Vickie and Maddox, discussed the unveiling of the WWE 2k14 video game cover; moments later, Vickie said the fans would determine the stipulation for Bryan vs. Orton via the WWE app, either a streetfight, lumberjack match, or falls count anywhere; Vickie then unveiled her own version of the cover - with Vince, Stephanie McMahon, and Triple H; Maddox then showed off his, with himself, Punk, and Cena; Lawler then unveiled the real cover, via a giant poster above the ring, which had the Rock on it

Match #5: Ryback vs. The Great Khali w/ Natalya & Hornswoggle
Two minute bad Ryback squash. He wins with Shellshocked.
1/2*

John Cena comes out, and he gets on the mic. He says in history, only 43 men have held this title out of thousands to chase it. Whether it's eight years like Bruno or for one night like Rey Mysterio, holding this puts you in an elite fraternity because it means you've earned the respect of your peers. Not really, that's not a qualification. Cena says people have done things for this title, tried to buy it, steal this, and he's seen people crack under the pressure of chasing this and holding this. Last week, they saw how low a man will sink to chase this and claims Mark Henry cheated the WWE Universe and disgraced his family. How do you know they weren't in on it? He says Henry disgraced men like Edge, HBK, and Ric Flair with legitimate farewell speeches. He says Mark Henry will have no legacy in WWE if he doesn't win the WWE Title. WAT. Cena says he has to go through him first and says he's John Cena, WWE Champion. He says the only true thing Henry said was that you have to EARN this belt and the only thing he's earned is the right to have his teeth knocked down his throat. Mark's big, bad, strong, and dangerous, but he forgot to check his calendar, because it's still whoop ass season, and he's going to find out that THE CHAMP IS HERE.

Hey, RVD's coming back, guys.

Match #6: The Usos vs. Tons of Funk vs. Drew McIntyre/Jinder Mahal [#1 Contenders Match]
The women and Slater are on the floor. This is a super obvious result and is thankfully only two minutes. The Usos clean house for most of it, and Tensai gets beaten with the Flying Splash.
*1/4

Post-match, The Shield is in the crowd, and they hold up the Tag Titles.

The AMAZING Heyman/CM Punk segment airs. Another to which I can do absolutely no justice: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNi29Lfr3a4

Match #7: CM Punk vs. Darren Young w/ Titus O'Neil
This wasn't good. In Punk's newfound laziness, he lets D-Young control most of this and show off, and Young shows his unyielding mediocrity with a bunch of chinlocks and shitty knees. Stuff happens and Punk lifelessly comes back and puts on the Anaconda Vice to win.
*3/4

Titus attacks post-match for a 2 on 1, before Curtis Axel runs out to save. Punk is upset and argues with Paul, and Paul says he's trying to help. Paul says there was no other way, and sends Axel away to prevent incident.

included a backstage segment with Vickie and Stephanie McMahon in which Stephanie asked why Vickie hadn't announced the participants in the WWE World Title Money in the Bank match

Stephanie McMahon comes onto the stage and announces the participants in the WWE Title MITB as Orton, Bryan, Punk, Sheamus, Rob Van Dam, Christian, and Kane. Really weird to only have seven.

featured a backstage segment in which Ryback said he deserved better from Vickie and Maddox, with Chris Jericho interrupting and saying he should be included in the Money in the Bank ladder match; Ryback and Jericho then went face to face, with Vickie saying they would face off at Money in the Bank

In the back, CM Punk finds Paul Heyman and asks him not to send out his guys to help him. Heyman says Vickie's booked PTP vs. Punk and Axel next week, and he's sorry. Punk is upset and says he could beat them both by himself and then he's going to win Money in the Bank, and regain the WWE Championship.

Mark Henry comes out, and he gets on the mic. He says he fooled each and every last one of y'all and saw all their Mark Henry signs and heard the chants, but more than anything, he saw them cry. And because of his spectacular performance, he's been nominated for an Academy Award. He's had directors and producers reach out for him and that's great, but it's not what he wants. It's not what he deserves. He says he's not going to apologize to anyone and people have told him his whole life how he should live and what defines him. What's gonna happen at MITB is a dirty, filthy, lying, cheating Mark Henry is gonna show up. Last week he said "Honey, I'm coming home". He's coming home alright, but he's doing it WWE Champion.

A new Wyatts video airs. "They say we're coming...but we've been here all along."

Street Fight is chosen for the main event.

Match #8: Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton [Street Fight]
Awesome match, and the best Orton singles match of the year so far. ORTON CUTS OFF A TOPE SUICIDA WITH A CHAIR SHOT FUCK YEAH! This is pretty much perfect for what they're going for, as Orton can't control Bryan but keeps cutting him off with cool stuff like chair throwing an Exploder through a corner table. The best counter is when he grabs a kendo stick while in the Yes Lock and goes wild with swings to Bryan's face and arms to get out. Bryan eventually gets him down again and Orton tries it, BUT BRYAN CATCHES THE STICK. BRYAN PUTS THE YES LOCK ON USING THE KENDO STICK TO TWIST ORTON'S HEAD, AND ORTON TAPS! FUCK YEAH!
***1/4

Post-match, Orton shakes Bryan's hand and leaves him to his YESing.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013
Review World Champion: Sheamus, Since 6/16/2013

WWE NXT
June 26th, 2013
Orlando, FL

Match #1: Big E. Langston vs. Aiden English

SQUAAAAAAAAAAAASH. This is all of 30 seconds and Big E wins with the Big Ending.
FIVE

Post-match, he hits it again and then the FIVE count. And then a third time with another 5.

In the back, Renee interviews Emma while she plays with a bubble gun. Emma says she's gonna win because the Emmalution is going around the world, and says Renee can't have her bubbles. They're her bubbles. Emma then asks her to hold them for a second, because she has a match. But don't even think about taking them.

Match #2: Emma vs. Aksana [NXT Womens Championship Tournament - Quarterfinals]
This isn't very good, because Aksana isn't very good yet. But Emma does stuff at the end and wins with the Emma Lock.
1/2*

Leo Kruger is coming back! Yay!

Match #3: Leo Kruger vs. Dante Dash
Another good squash by Kruger. Regal says Kruger told him he had to go back to South Africa for a job, which basically means that a contracted WWE Superstar took a vacation to hunt and kill a man/some men. He destroys the arm with some nasty offense and then puts on the London Dungeon to win.
**

Leo Kruger crouches down at ringside.

The Ascension is a team now, and they will rise again. TURRIBLE.

Match #4: Bo Dallas vs. Mickey Keegan
This is a Bo showcase, so it's terrible. The crowd hates him, and midway through, the camera shows that Kruger is still crouched against the corners of the railing at ringside. Bo wins with the Belly to Belly.
3/4*

Post-match, Kruger beats up Keegan and wags his finger at Bo. The crowd chants for Kruger.

Match #5: Kassius Ohno/Corey Graves vs. Scott Dawson/Garrett Dylan w/ Sylvester LeFort [#1 Contender's Match]
This happened. Dawson is decent, and Dylan is pretty bland and shitty and generally inexperienced, so this didn't work. Ohno had a few nice things on the mat early on, but they made him FIP, so any hope of this being good was flushed away. Control seg went on seemingly forever and then Graves put one of them in his knee hold to win.
*1/4

Post-match, The Wyatt Family hits the ring to attack but Adrian Neville runs out to even it up. Dawson and Dylan help the Wyatts for some reason, BUT WILLIAM REGAL COMES DOWN TO HELP RUN OFF THE WYATTS! FUCK YEAH! He gets beaten down too and Bray stares at Regal in the corner while he's beaten up to end the show.
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

Dean Ambrose vs. Christian, Main Event (June 26th)
Hey, they actually get a match! Neat! Miz on commentary proves why he's the absolute worst dude by saying you want to be WWE Champion because it means you get more mainstream attention and can trend on Twitter. This is like three minutes of decent work before Reigns and Rollins come down and attack for the DQ.
*3/4

The Usos come down, and they help run off The Shield.
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013
Review World Champion: Sheamus, Since 6/16/2013

WWE Smackdown
June 28th, 2013
Columbia, SC


TONIGHT: ORTON/KANE BECAUSE FUCK YOU! FIESTA DEL RIO!

Before the Street Fight, Sandow gets on the mic. He says in 1860, South Carolina was the first state to secede from the union, and he would like them to do so again. He says this is like a third world country and after he beats this ignoramus, they will rename this match after him. BEHOLD THE SANDOW STREET FIGHT.

Match #1: Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow [Dublin Street Fight]
There's a bunch of Irish props like a bar stool, a keg, potatoes, and then some regular weapons painted green. This is average because Sandow is average and Sheamus works at the level of his opponent 99% of the time. Where as Bryan/Orton on Raw was nasty and violent, this is one of those infuriatingly safe WWE gimmick matches that forces you to ask why they're even doing this if it's all going to look so fucking safe and sterile. Sandow brings a few decent spots in his random burst of occasional effort, but Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick.
**1/4

Post-match, Sheamus passes out potatoes to fans. What a terrible sentence.

In the back, Bryan is whistling and Kane asks if he's here to brag about his win, he doesn't want to hear it. He congratulates him on the upset though, and Bryan says the only upset is that it took him a few matches to do it. He says he's no weak link, and Kane says to stop annoying him and leave. Bryan says he'll let that slide because he's his friend, and says he'll be on commentary if he needs any help. He then hugs Kane.

featured an in-ring segment of Miz TV in which Mike Mizanin introduced Paul Heyman as his guest, and questioned him about his interaction with CM Punk on Raw and how he treated Renee Young the previous week on Smackdown; Heyman responded by bringing out WWE IC Champion Curtis Axel; Miz said Heyman was lying about Brock Lesnar's attack on Punk, told Axel that he wasn't his father, and implied Heyman would drop him as soon as Miz takes the IC title; Axel said he is possessive of the title and took Miz's threat personally, with Miz challenging him to a title match then and there; Heyman and Miz then traded words before Axel kicked Miz and dropped him with his neckbreaker; Axel and Heyman then left the ring as Axel yelled that the belt was his

Match #2: AJ Lee w/ Big E. Langston vs. Natalya
This is all of a minute. Kaitlyn comes out dressed as AJ and skips around to distract her. Natalya then wins with a roll up.
1/2*

Kaitlyn then destroys AJ with a Spear.

The Wyatts piece from Raw airs.

In the back, Vince drops by Teddy Long's office and wonders who is in the WHT MITB match. Teddy says he's going the other way and only using people who are on their way up. He says Booker T would never do this, as Teddy keeps trying to steal his friend's job. He says his seven are Wade Barrett, Jack Swagger, Antonio Cesaro, Fandango, Dean Abmrose, Cody Rhodes, and Damien Sandow. Seriously, why the fuck is it seven now? Vince likes it but then teaches Teddy how to say Fandango.

Daniel Bryan comes out to do commentary.

Match #3: Randy Orton vs. Kane
Hey, this was only slightly below average. Weird. Orton's weird 2013 run of EFFORT continues as he actually sells and bumps well and puts a little something behind his strikes. The end comes when Kane is dazed on the floor and Bryan helps him up. He rolls him back in to save him from a count out loss, and then Orton immediately hits the RKO to win.
**

Match #4: Ryback vs. Justin Gabriel

Short squash, but this is better since Gabriel will at least bump around well if nothing else. Shellshocked ends it.
*1/2

after the bout, Chris Jericho walked out with a mic and mocked Ryback's apparant knee injury, called him "Cryback," and then ran into the ring; the two briefly fought before Ryback escaped the Walls of Jericho and slid out to the floor

The new Wyatts promo airs again.

Match #5: The Shield vs Christian/The Usos
This is The Shield's second loss. I think there might be something to all their losses being on a show nobody watches, but it's still a REALLY weird one for them to lose. The first one made sense and was this perfect culmination, but this is just three midcarders. I get that they're building up a Christian/Ambrose feud (that never happens because reasons we can get to later) and Shield/Usos is at MITB, so the idea of getting them quick momentum with a huge upset makes some sense, but it also feels really transparent. The Usos probably should have had a stronger partner for this one, but hey. They also clip this down from 7-8 to 4 minutes, and it's basically just the start and then a finishing run, which is pretty upsetting. Kane/Randy got 10 minutes, but not this? Fuck off. Great Shield finishing run though with some dives, and then Christian catches Ambrose with a Spear to win.
**1/4

In the ring, there's a bunch of Mexican flag style decorations and a band, and Ricardo comes out to introduce Alberto Del Rio He celebrates now being a four time champion (terrible) and says he will now only speak in Spanish. He talks in his fucking moon speak for a few minutes, and then has a pinata lowered with Ziggler's face on it. Del Rio says he's going to beat his brains in at Money in the Bank like he did at Payback to retain his title. ADR says he's heard Ziggler has threatened to break up his party too, and asks where he is. Dolph Ziggler comes out and he slowly takes off his watch and suit jacket while staring down Del Rio. This seems like a sequel to a Karate Kid type 80s sports movie where we've earned respect for the shithead jock and now a new foreign asshole has moved in on his turf, and the fight is going to be amazing. He fights off everyone, and has a great fight with ADR. He throws Ricardo off the top through the table in the ring, and hits ADR with the Zig Zag! FUCK YEAH! ADR bails, and Ziggler celebrates with the band.

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TOP 25 MATCHES OF THE HALF-YEAR:

1. Sheamus vs. Antonio Cesaro, Main Event (June 5th)
2. William Regal vs. Kassius Ohno, NXT (April 10th)
3. The Undertaker vs. CM Punk, WrestleMania XXIX (April 7th)
4. The Shield vs. Team Hell No/Kofi Kingston, Raw (May 20th)
5. CM Punk vs. John Cena, Raw (February 25th)
6. The Shield vs. Randy Orton/Team Hell No, Raw (June 3rd)
7. Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar, Extreme Rules (May 19th)
8. The Shield vs. Randy Orton/Team Hell No, Smackdown (June 14th)
9. John Cena/Team Hell No vs. The Shield, Raw (May 13th)
10. Dolph Ziggler [c] vs. Alberto Del Rio, Payback (June 16th)
11. The Shield vs. John Cena/Ryback/Sheamus, Elimination Chamber (February 17th)
12. The Shield vs. Randy Orton/Sheamus/Kofi Kingston, Smackdown (May 24th)
13. The Shield vs. The Undertaker/Team Hell No, Raw (April 22nd)
14. The Shield [c] vs. Team Hell No, Raw (May 27th)
15. Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton, Raw (June 24th)
16. The Big Show [c] vs. Alberto Del Rio, Smackdown (January 11th)
17. The Shield vs. Chris Jericho/Ryback/Sheamus, Raw (February 18th)
18. Antonio Cesaro [c] vs. Adrian Neville, NXT (April 24th)
19. Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett, Main Event (May 29th)
20. Antonio Cesaro vs. Sami Zayn, NXT (June 12th)
21. Daniel Bryan vs. Chris Jericho, Raw (February 11th)
22. Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler, Main Event (February 13th)
23. Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus, Main Event (January 9th)
24. Alberto Del Rio vs. Antonio Cesaro, Raw (April 29th)
25. John Cena/Team Hell No vs. The Shield, Raw (April 29th)

Wrestler of the Half-Year: Daniel Bryan - 95 Points

Tag Team of the Half-Year: The Shield - 54 Points
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Top 10 Matches - June 2013:

1. Sheamus vs. Antonio Cesaro, Main Event (June 5th)
2. The Shield vs. Randy Orton/Team Hell No, Raw (June 3rd)
3. The Shield vs. Randy Orton/Team Hell No, Smackdown (June 14th)
4. Dolph Ziggler [c] vs. Alberto Del Rio, Payback (June 16th)
5. Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton, Raw (June 24th)
6. Antonio Cesaro vs. Sami Zayn, NXT (June 12th)
7. Daniel Bryan vs. Ryback, Raw (June 3rd)
8. The Usos vs. Team Rhodes Scholars, Main Event (June 5th)
9. Sheamus vs. Antonio Cesaro, Smackdown (June 14th)
10. The Shield vs. Randy Orton/Daniel Bryan, Smackdown (June 7th)

Another month here with all the top 10 matches being ***+. What the fuck? Is it 2000-2009 again?

Wrestler of the Month: Daniel Bryan - 26 Points

Tag Team of the Month: The Shield - 14 Points
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WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013
Review World Champion: Sheamus, Since 6/16/2013

WWE Raw
July 1st, 2013
Sioux City, IA


In the back, Vickie Guerrero announces a Champion vs. Champion match tonight with John Cena vs. ADR. OH, FUCK YOU.

Daniel Bryan comes out, and he gets on the mic. There's a ladder and Red MITB above the ring. He says last week, the burning question was finally answered when he made Randy Orton tap out. Is Daniel Bryan the weak link? NO. NO. NO. NO. Bryan says that brings a new question. Can Daniel Bryan ride this wave of momentum and win the MITB contract? YES. YES. YES. He wants to be WWE Champion and follow in the footsteps of the greats. Bruno, Hogan, Austin, Rock, and then adds his name there. He says he's won MITB before, and it's been far too long since he's been a champion. Sheamus interrupts and says the reason he lost that title is because he beat him in 18 seconds. How long are you gonna throw that one out there? Bryan asks if he calls 1-800-FELLA, can Sheamus come out and Brogue Kick himself? Sheamus says he thought trolls were supposed to be grumpy. Randy Orton comes out and says it's been two years since he's been champion, and it's far too long. He's not hungry, he's starving, and he'll take what he needs. He says he won't hesitate to cash in on the first unexpecting champion he sees, and Bryan says he also knows that he made him tap out. Orton says he can let that slide but says if he disrespects him again, he'll drop him where he stands and says no one is safe. Kane then comes out and says he agrees. No one is safe, especially him. Kane says he has no problem committing unspeakable acts, even against his friends. Bryan asks why he's looking at him and says he's upset about Smackdown, but that's not his fault that he lost to Randy Orton. Kane says he can't wait for this match where it's every man for himself. No partners and no friends. They then argue about who's going to be WWE Champion. Christian comes out and says he's had more success in Ladder Matches than anyone, and says he's back for one more match. He says he's not the biggest or strongest or scariest or hairiest, but he's the best. CM Punk then comes out and says he didn't want to do all of this, but then he heard that word. He says he respects all Christian's done, but HE'S the best. In the world AND at Money in the Bank, because he's won it twice, about to win it three times. Punk says they're all a bunch of jerks here, but nobody can touch him, and that includes Rob Van Dam. Bryan says he's sick of us and asks if he's going to talk about all of them and says he'll make him tap out faster than Randy. Randy then goes for him, but Kane stops him. Bryan says not to fight for him, and Orton hits Kane with the RKO and quickly leaves to end the segment.

To pretend this champions match tonight matters, they're showing clips of all the classic WWE and World Champions.

The same Wyatts vignette as last week airs.

Match #1: The Shield vs. Christian/The Usos
This is again cut down a lot because of commercials. It's 9 minutes cut to 6 this time, so we get a lot more of the Shield's control segment than on Smackdown, in addition to a great babyface opening flurry with some dives. Really great Shield control stuff again, and then there's a great Christian hot tag too to change it up from SD. Ambrose/Christian is really good so it's a shame that that match ends up never happening, I think. Rollins hangs Christian up on the top rope when he tries his sunset flip deal, and Ambrose gets a schoolboy to win.
**1/2

In the back, Bryan apologizes to Kane and says he got him a rematch with Randy Orton to make it up to him, with him as the special guest referee.

Match #2: Dolph Ziggler vs. Jinder Mahal w/ 3MB
Good Ziggler showcase. He's working face for the first time ever in his WWE tenure, going back like 7 years, so it's understandable that he's not great at it initially. Still, he does alright and wins it with the Peace Zig.
*3/4

Post-match, Ziggler lays out all of 3MB after running around and avoiding a 3 on 1. He probably should have been able to take them all on, but talking about all the things they SHOULD have done in the second half of 2013 with Ziggler is an exercise in futility.

focusing on their respective reigns; featured a backstage segment in which Vickie and Brad Maddox spoke with Triple H, who told them to listen to what the McMahons want them to do but not do any of it and instead just do what he says

A video airs on Mark Henry's career.

Match #3: Randy Orton vs. Kane [Special Referee: Daniel Bryan]
This gets a full 10 minutes, because fuck everything. This again wasn't great, but had some effort. Bryan tries to be a real referee, so Orton shoves him and Bryan calls a DQ. Kane wants the match to restart, so Bryan restarts it. Orton keeps antagonizing Bryan and being a dick, so Bryan fast counts him off a Big Boot and Kane wins.
**

Post-match, Kane is mad at Bryan and leaves, and Orton hits Bryan with the RKO.

In the back, Paul tries to hold a conference with CM Punk and Axel. Punk tells Axel to just sit on the apron and watch. Paul says he gets it but not the hostility. Punk says he trusts Paul, but he doesn't trust his client. Heyman says to trust him then and his best judgment is that Curtis Axel is worthy of his trust. Punk doesn't answer, and it cuts away.

Match #4: Sheamus vs. Fandango w/ Summer Rae
Review World title on the line again here. This isn't very good, because it's Sheamus barely trying and being against someone who's super average. Sheamus beats up Fandango a lot and it goes on way too long at 6 minutes for basically a Sheamus showcase. Fandango bails out instead of taking the Brogue Kick, so Sheamus retains with a count out win.
*3/4

Chris Jericho comes out to do commentary, and Miz/Axel for the IC Title is announced for MITB.

Match #5: Ryback vs. The Miz
This is the death of Ryback. He continues on in semi-big matches through October, but this is where they forever go wrong with him. The match is bad, of course, because it's Ryback vs. The Miz. Miz does clunky basic face stuff with his WOAT Flying Double Axe Handle, and Ryback does power stuff. Miz works over the leg, and then for the first time in everything I've watched, Ryback actually says no when the ref asks if he can continue, and Miz wins by stoppage. Holy shit. Ryback is such a fucking pussy crybaby that he gave up to The Miz's rudimentary leg work.
3/4*

Post-match, Jericho slides in and hits Ryback with the Codebreaker.

Mark Henry comes onto the stage with the mic for a promo. He says he's known as the strongest man in the world and he didn't get that name out of a Cracker Jack box, but he earned it. He broke world records, went to the Olympics, and maintained that status since he came to the WWE seven years ago. He says he's been the subject of jealousy and backstabbing and "accidental" injuries, but he's earned everything he's won. He's never had a legitimate opportunity to be the WWE Champion after all he's given up. All the miles, the nights he was away from his family, and all the nights he pretended he liked the boys and doing the "right" thing for the business. IT GOT HIM NOWHERE. He deserves to be the WWE Champion, and he's gonna do the right thing for him now. He's gonna earn that WWE Championship and at Money in the Bank, he's gonna beat Cena's ass.

included a backstage segment with Vince McMahon, Vickie, and Maddox in which McMahon said Vickie wasn't listening to him regarding Bryan and said the night's main event shouldn't be on free TV; Vince then threatened Vickie to do what he says or she would be fired

Match #6: CM Punk/Curtis Axel w/ Paul Heyman vs. The Prime Time Players
This is absolutely a thing. Good PTP control segment, and Punk tried on his hot tag. He hits D-Young with the GTS, but Axel tags himself in and vultures the pin for the win.
**

Post-match, Punk is mad and leaves as Axel and Paul celebrate.

Match #7: Kaitlyn w/ Layla vs. Alicia Fox
Fun 2 minute squash for Kaitlyn. Spear ends it.
*1/4

after the bout, WWE Divas Champion AJ and Big E Langston appeared at the entrance stage, with AJ noting Kaitlyn's "unsavory modeling photos" from before she came to WWE before showing a doctored photo of an obsese Kaitlyn on the big screen

included a backstage segment with Stephanie McMahon, Vickie, and Maddox in which Stephanie said Vickie wasn't doing what she asked; Stephanie then said Vickie would recieve a job evaluation the following week in the ring

Hey, RVD's still coming back.

Before the next match, Damien Sandow has the mic. He says he and his best friend will be in MITB for a World Heavyweight Title contract and they will remain best friends, much to the chagrin of all the mouth breathers. Cody says he's right and says they're the last of their kind, men of character, and will not allow any kind of prize to come between them.

Antonio Cesaro comes out to be his opponent, and Zeb talks too. He tells America to wake up and says while they were sleeping, their country was stolen from them and they don't even know it. Last week, Congress passed a law to forgive 11 million illegal immigrants. Did you know that marriage is under attack thanks to the Supreme Court? Did you know that free speech and privacy are under attack too? Zeb says it's time somebody stood up and made a stand, and says they're not alone and brings back a real American, Jack Swagger.

Match #8: Antonio Cesaro vs. Cody Rhodes
Swagger, Zeb, and Sandow are ringside. This is barely anything for two minutes before Cesaro gets a flash Neutralizer to win.
*

There's a terrible Total Divas segment backstage.

Another Bray Wyatt vignette airs, and it begins with him speaking in tongues. They're coming. DE --

Match #9: John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio
This sure as fuck happens. These two always have these boring ass middling normal matches and then great gimmick matches, but this is a normal match, so fuck it. Some decent stuff happened at points, and whatever. Mark Henry comes out to watch. Dolph Ziggler came out to attack ADR by being on the top rope, and Cena then hit the FU for the win.
**

Mark Henry comes in with the belt after Ziggler leaves, and he throws it at Cena's feet. He keeps teasing attacking Cena when he goes to get it, but then lets him pick up the belt and laughs.
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013
Review World Champion: Sheamus, Since 6/16/2013

WWE NXT
July 3rd, 2013
Orlando, FL


In the back, Renee is with Bo Dallas. He says it doesn't matter who he faces because his BoLievers knows he'll fight anybody. He says he strives to be the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be, just like his good friend and mentor Bret Hart. Bo says Leo has to earn a shot first, just like he earned the shot to face and defeat Big E. Langston. Cesaro comes over and calls him a typical American and says when he was 23, he was earning everything the hard way, and says punks like Bo are the downfall of this country and says he's going to take his title tonight.

Match #1: Alicia Fox vs. Paige [NXT Womens Title Tournament - Semi-Finals]
This happened. Not caring Alicia showed up here and dominated with a lot of choking and stuff. Paige then just sort of cut her off and hit a listless Paige Turner for the win. Weird weird match here, but as we see in 2014, they clearly have better stuff in them.
3/4*

Match #2: Conor O'Brian w/ Rick Victor vs. Andy Baker

Hey, Victor found work! Good for him. This is still a Conor squash, so it's fucking terrible. He wins with the Flapjack.
1/2*

In the back, Renee is with Corey Graves and Adrian Neville. She says Kassius Ohno was injured last week by the Wyatt Family/got benched for not working out more or something, and Graves says you have to be prepared for things like this, but he thinks one man can fill Ohno's role. Neville asks William Regal for their help to stand with them, and Graves says the Wyatt Family should know how this ends, and holds up his stupid tattooed knuckles.

Match #3: Xavier Woods vs. Scott Dawson w/ Sylvester LeFort
UGH. This is alright, since Dawson is super solid and makes this bag of assholes look good. He has some cool offense in a basic roughhousing type way. He then wins with the bad Sole Food named Lost in the Woods.
*3/4

A pretape from Bray Wyatt airs. He says mankind stopped being human the day they turned into the beast, which ironically, is the same day they started judging. They judge people like him for the way they act, look, and feel, but he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. The beasts around him are walking upright and he told you the end was coming, and now all that will be left is chunks of meat stuck to the teeth of the eater of worlds. Follow the buzzards.

Enzo Amore comes out with the mic. He's a certified G and bonafide stud, and you can't teach that. He introduces Big Cass and says he's seven foot tall, and you can't teach that. He can describe Mason Ryan in one word. S-A-W-F-T. SAWFT. The best.

Match #4: Mason Ryan vs. Enzo Amore w/ Colin Cassidy
Mason immediately hits a clothesline to win.
1/45*

Mason challenges Big Cass, and that happens.

Match #5: Mason Ryan vs. Colin Cassidy w/ Enzo Amore
Mason also squashes him, and brings back the One and Only to get the win.
1/4*

Match #6: Bo Dallas [c] vs. Antonio Cesaro [NXT Championship]

AMAZING carryjob. Cesaro carries him through matwork and has a beautifully innovative schoolboy sort of Tully spot to send Bo out of the ring on his back. Leo Kruger is watching at ringside again after the break. The crowd chants WE THE PEOPLE in support of Cesaro. He chinlocks the fuck out of Bo. He destroys Bo with amazing offense and then Bo gets a fluke Belly to Belly to win after he sends Cesaro into Kruger on the apron.
***

Kruger beats down Bo and leaves. Cesaro then hits Bo with the Neutralizer and Sami Zayn runs out. Zayn clears the ring to end the show.

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Christian vs. Damien Sandow, Main Event (July 3rd)
It is SO easy to have a great match with Christian. This is a guy who made Jack Swagger look like a future star and actual great wrestler, who made Yoshi Tatsu look like a future star if given a shot, who's gotten the most pure violence and brutality out of Drew McIntyre that we've ever seen, etc. And Damien Sandow gets 15-20 with him and just COMPLETELY wastes it doing a generic WWE style kick/punch/stomp/clubbing forearm/chinlock routine. They have a super routine thing and Christian wins with the Killswitch. Why did I even watch this?
**
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013
Review World Champion: Sheamus, Since 6/16/2013

WWE Smackdown
July 5th, 2013
Topeka, KS


This is my bad. I x'd again on accident during the middle of the last match when I got bored and was watching other stuff. Ratings with the recap below.

the Money in the Bank briefcase was suspended above the ring for the show; featured an opening in-ring promo by CM Punk in which he talked about not being John Cena, and not wanting to come out and talk about how America was built on hustle, loyalty, and respect, but said he himself was fiercely independent and tends to do the opposite of what he's told; Punk then said his goals were to get his hands on Brock Lesnar and win his Money in the Bank match and become the WWE World Champion again; moments later, World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio interrupted, said Smackdown was his show, and Punk's "people" spend their freedom getting fatter, watching TV all day, and playing on the internet; Punk responded by saying the fans turned on ADR because they saw through his facade; the two then argued over who was better before Teddy Long came out and said the two would face off in the main event; included a "Did you know?" graphic which read WrestleMania 29 has been the best selling sports home video in America for 5 straight weeks; featured a backstage segment with Punk and Paul Heyman in which Heyman said Punk's match against ADR didn't make sense and Punk had everything to lose, then asking whether he could be in Punk's corner at Money in the Bank; Punk responded by asking Heyman to stay out of it, as his friend; Heyman said OK and wished Punk good luck; included an ad promoting 'The Call' on Blu ray; featured an ad promoting 'Wargames: WCW's Most Notorious Matches;' included Renee Young conducting a backstage interview with Randy Orton and Christian about their rivalry and facing each other later in the night; featured a vignette promoting the debut of the Wyatt Family; included a Be A Star ad featuring P Diddy; featured a backstage segment with Heyman and Long in which Long said he wanted Heyman to provide guest commentary for the main event; included a vignette promoting the return of Rob Van Dam at Money in the Bank; featured a "Did you know?" graphic which read the previous week's Smackdown was the most socially active show on broadcast and cable TV, beating every show by more than 5 times; included an ad promoting WWEShop.com; featured a pre-taped video by Zeb Colter, Antonio Cesaro, and Jack Swagger in which Colter complained about those who don't remember the sacrifices of the American forefathers and instead spend July 4th using Mexican fireworks and going to the beach; Colter then said Americans could celebrate when one of his men wins at Money in the Bank:

Jimmy & Jey Uso defeated Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes at 2:17 when Sandow was pinned after a simultaneous splash off the top; prior to the bout, Sandow & Rhodes cut a promo about their upcoming participation in Money in the Bank and shook hands after agreeing the best man would win between the two of them; after the match, WWE US Champion Dean Ambrose, WWE Tag Team Champions Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns appeared on the big screen and talked about Rollins & Reigns facing the Usos at Money in the Bank

*3/4

Alicia Fox pinned Kaitlyn (w/ Layla) with a roll up at 2:46 after Kaitlyn knocked an interfering WWE Divas Champion AJ off the apron with a dropkick; AJ appeared ringside late in the match; after the bout, Kaitlyn chased AJ backstage; following the commercial break, Nikki & Brie Bella told AJ to watch her back because the belt would be theirs soon; AJ then found Big E Langston and told him they had to leave and she would text Dolph Ziggler to let him know

*1/2

Randy Orton pinned Christian at 12:35 with the RKO

*** - ALL DEM LEARNED COUNTERS FROM THE 2011 SERIES

Dolph Ziggler pinned Drew McIntyre (w/ Heath Slater & Jinder Mahal) with the Zig Zag at 3:11; following his entrance, Ziggler cut an in-ring promo in which he said World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio was full of crap and had been pretending to be something he's not, while Ziggler said he was upfront about being arrogant, having a chip on his shoulder, and doing things in the ring that no one else could; Ziggler then said he would win back the title at Money in the Bank; after the contest, Ziggler twice escaped being triple teamed by 3MB

**

Fandango (w/ Summer Rae) pinned Justin Gabriel with the legdrop off the top at 1:38; after the bout, Fandango took the mic and introduced himself

3/4*

CM Punk fought World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio to a double count-out in a non-title match at 11:03 when Punk attacked ADR on the floor, moments after ADR punched Paul Heyman, who provided guest commentary for the match, in the face; after the bout, Punk dropped ADR with the Go To Sleep in the ring; after the contest, Punk tended to Heyman as Heyman apologized for costing Punk the match

**
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WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013
Review World Champion: Sheamus, Since 6/16/2013

WWE Raw
July 8th, 2013
Baltimore, MD


In the ring, Vickie and Brad stand in the ring with ladders and the briefcase above the ring and this ends up being about Vickie/McMahons stuff, so let's just skip this entirely. Fuck this entire storyline.

included an in-ring segment in which Vickie Guerrero, alongside Brad Maddox, stood in the ring with a ladder, with Vickie talking about the spectacle of the ladder match before then climbing the ladder; two referees held the ladder steady as Vickie talked about her success in such a male-dominated industry; Jerry Lawler then interrupted and said there was now a poll open on the WWE app allowing fans to grade Vickie's job performance, and that the McMahon family would take the results into consideration during Vickie's job evaluation later in the night; Vickie responded by saying she thought of the fans as her family and noted her plans for the night: WWE World Champion John Cena would be face to face with Mark Henry, Randy Orton would face CM Punk, Christian would face Kane, and Daniel Bryan would face Sheamus in the opening match

Match #1: Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
After two fucking weeks, Bryan finally gets to go back to work. It's these two for 11 minutes, so it's great. It's nice and aggressive and stiff, and Bryan gets the best out of Sheamus again. This is a face/face match as a change for these two, as they do cool stuff and gradually increase the tempo and escalate the moves. Sheamus blocks the Yes Lock into the Texas Cloverleaf, but Bryan gets out and into an inside cradle for the win! BRYAN FINALLY BEATS SHEAMUS, AND WINS THE REVIEW WORLD TITLE!
***

Post-match, they shake hands. Sheamus learned a new move! Sportsmanship!

A video airs of a reporter send to find the Wyatt Compound. He has to ask for directions and some poor people with rapey faces say it's a couple miles that way, and he'll know when he's there.

In the back, Dolph Ziggler finds AJ and asks Big E. for some privacy. AJ tells him to go watch out for Kaitlyn. Ziggler asks where she's been and says she's more concerned with following around some loser she's better than, and asks what happened to the goal of them being double champions. AJ says she's still committed and says at MITB, they'll both leave champions and asks if he wants to go all the way. hngh. He says he wants to go all the way to his third World Title, and they make out. Team Rocket is not long for this. :(

The video on Mark Henry's career from last week airs again.

Match #2: The Shield vs. Tons of Funk w/ The Funkadactyls
Good Shield showcase, but it probably didn't need six minutes. There's some fun Tensai moments here, and then Rollins and Reigns are fucking amazing as always. They isolate Brodus too, which means he doesn't get to be awful on offense and Tensai can have his good hot tag. Reigns cuts him off with the Spear for the win.
**

Another clip airs from the search for the Wyatts. He's at the house and sees Erick Rowan in the distance pounding the grass with pick axe. Luke Harper comes by and says to follow him.

John Cena comes out to get on the mic, and he calls out Mark Henry to do this right now if he wants to "talk". Mark Henry comes out, and he gets on the mic. Mark says he's starved for 17 years, and he needs one thing to satisfy his hunger. Cena says to get a Snickers then and shut up. Mark says the old him might have laughed or beaten him, but instead, he's gonna chill. He thinks he knows who the World's Strongest Man is, but he's a new man. He's known him for 10+ years and he knew who Cena was before Cena did, and he's a puppet. That title will validate his career and if he takes it, then he's a first ballot Hall of Famer. He'd sell out his own momma to have that, and he even sold out his family. Cena says he'd better win this Sunday then. He says he's won it and lost it, but done it with respect, and Mark is desperate. He's lied to the people and leveraged his family all for leather and gold, and if he doesn't, then he's lost EVERYTHING and he gets NOTHING. Mark asks if he thinks he cares what they think, because he doesn't. Some people love Cena and some hate him, but either way, he cares what they think. He doesn't. He says there's lines Cena won't cross because of his "goodness", and Cena asks how he couldn't care like a pandering asshole. Henry says if he interrupts him again, it starts tonight, so Cena takes his shirt off and says to do it then. Henry cheap shots him, but Cena fights back. He can't hit the FU, and Mark hits the World's Strongest Slam.

The Miz comes out to do commentary AGAIN.

Match #3: Chris Jericho vs. Curtis Axel w/ Paul Heyman
This totally happened. Miz causes a distraction and Jericho hits the Codebreaker to win. WHATEVER. Jericho's almost done, so I can't be too mad.
*3/4

Clips air of the awesome RVD/Christian ladder match a decade ago.

featured Matthews conducting a backstage interview with Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes regarding them both participating in the Smackdown Money in the Bank match Sunday, and whether that would affect their friendship; moments later, Zeb Colter, Antonio Cesaro, and Jack Swagger interrupted; Wade Barrett then walked in, with all the men arguing before Fandango appeared, was twice told not to say his name, and then sustained the Bull Hammer from Barrett

The next part of the Wyatts video airs, as Luke Harper leads the camera guy through the house and says not to stray. He immediately strays and hears Bray's voice saying "obey" over and over to someone in a dimly lit room with Bray not actually there, before Harper pulls the camera man back and says he told him not to stray. Harper points to room and he goes in, and Bray is there and says he's been waiting.

Match #4: Alberto Del Rio vs. Sin Cara
This totally happens and is decent enough. Sin Cara does a few nice things, and ADR's kicking of the head spots are his bright spot. Dolph Ziggler comes out as a distraction and says he'll do a good job replacing Ricardo now and introduces Del Rio as the loser of the title. ADR goes to the floor and they fight and Sin Cara then dives on Del Rio. Ziggler leaves as his music plays, and I guess the match ended.
*3/4

ncluded an in-ring segment in which Vickie, with Maddox, was joined by the panel of Vince McMahon, Stephanie McMahon, and Triple H for her job evaluation; Stephanie questioned Vickie about her bringing Brock Lesnar back to the WWE, only for him to attack Vince; Vince then praised the decision, with Triple H saying Vickie was horrible at her job despite being accidentally entertaining at times; Vince and Triple H continued to have words before telling Stephanie to settle what should happen; Stephanie then sided with the WWE app vote which said Vickie failed at 75% to 25% for pass; Stephanie then said Vickie failed, per the vote, and fired her; Vickie then began crying and screaming, eventually climbing onto the desk set up in the ring; Vince then took the mic and said the fans failed by throwing her away and appointed Maddox as the new GM; Vince then helped Vickie backstage as Maddox appeared stunned by his new role

included a backstage segment in which Vince said he would find a way to make things right for Vickie; moments later, Maddox appeared and told Vince he wouldn't regret his decision, but Vince wouldn't shake his hand; moments later, a frantic Vickie attacked Maddox and screamed at him

Match #5: Kane vs. Christian
Christian tries his best, but we're back to exclusively singles Kane, so he's back to sucking as usual. Christian takes a lot of bumps and stuff, and Kane wins with a Flying Clothesline as one of WWE's special "fuck you" moments to Christian.
*3/4

Immediately after, the Wyatt Family stuff happens on the tron. Bray Wyatt is in the rocking chair and says he has only brothers and sisters, all in the name of cause. People can't lead themselves, they need to be led. They buy and sell fear and worship war, but he created war. It's time to wake up and look at this lie they're living in. This is not the beginning. Stand. The lights then go out and Bray lights the lantern.

"We're here."

THE WYATT FAMILY COMES OUT AND BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF KANE. YEAH. Bray watches in the chair as Harper and Rowan throw him into the steps andthen sandwich Kane's head in between the two halves of the steps. They leave with Kane destroyed.

In the back, Ryback hugs Vickie and says she deserved better, and it's going to be ok.

The Bella Twins do commentary to make sure everything is terrible.

Match #6: Kaitlyn/Layla vs. AJ Lee/Alicia Fox w/ Big E. Langston
The Bellas decide to make fun of Kaitlyn's phantom weight gain in one of those passive aggressive terrible WWE things. She's clearly still super hot. It stops being a match as Kaitlyn goes nuts and kills AJ on the floor with a Spear, and everyone in the match separates the two. That was maybe thirty seconds.
1/2*

Match #7: CM Punk vs. Randy Orton

It is not 2011, so this is far from the best. It's two good wrestlers going through the motions instead of trying hard six days before a big dangerous match. I get it, it's smart, but man is it kind of boring as a viewer. There were some nice counters and different ways to get to their usual stuff, so it's not all bad so much as just a house show performance. Punk wins with the GTS.
**1/4

Post-match, Daniel Bryan comes out to lay out Punk, and then climbs up a ladder and pulls down the briefcase.

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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013
Review World Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 7/8/2013

WWE NXT
July 10th, 2013
Orlando, FL

Match #1: Summer Rae vs. Emma [NXT Womens Title Tournament - Semi-Finals]

Fun basic match, but again, Summer needs a lot of in-ring work still. Emma does stuff and they do the RVD/Lynn roll up sequence, but it works here BECAUSE EMMA ACTUALLY GETS THE SUNSET FLIP WITH IT FOR THE WIN! YEAH, UPSET!
*1/4

It's now Paige vs. Emma in the finals!

Summer attacks post-match, but Paige runs out to make the save.

In the back, Bayley is excited to meet Dusty Rhodes. He asks why she hugs everyone and she calls him Mr. American Dream and then Mr. Dusty and she says she's super excited to be here. She then freaks out when Ric Flair comes in. He introduces Dusty to his daughter Charlotte and she says she's excited to debut. Dusty says she needs an opponent, and Bayley says she'll do it. Bayley then gets Ric to WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Match #2: Sami Zayn vs. Leo Kruger
Really good 8-9 minutes as Zayn has taken on his trainer's ability to get the absolute best out of everyone. He does a bunch of fancy lucha before Kruger gets violent, and he has his best Double A Spinebuster yet. He works the arm a little bit, and they have a few awesome nearfalls before Kruger goes back to the arm, and he makes Zayn tap out to the London Dungeon/That Arm Submission II.
**3/4

Match #3: Mason Ryan vs. Enzo Amore/Colin Cassidy

This is a terrible minute, but it ends right. Enzo chop blocks Mason when he has Cass up, and Big Cass stays on top for the three. BOOM. REALEST GUYS IN THE ROOM.
1/2*

In the back, Dusty Rhodes says he's gonna fix a situation and books Cesaro vs. Zayn vs. Kruger in a #1 Contender's Match next week!

Match #4: The Wyatt Family vs. William Regal/Adrian Neville/Corey Graves
This rules again. Regal takes the match to greatness with his amazing old style heeling for face pops and general stiffness and selling. This isn't to say Bray, Harper, and Neville aren't great here, because they are, but Regal is God. The biggest missed opportunity in WWE 2013 is not having Regal lead an NXT team against The Shield. Neville is a great FIP, and Bray even has an awesome cut off when he stops a crucifix pin takedown into a nasty Samoan Drop. Harper rules stuff and then DAT REGAL HOT TAG. Adrian takes out people with a dive after Regal is cut off, but Bray tags himself in and beats Regal with the Sister Abigail.
***
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Big Tuna
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Dolph Ziggler vs. Antonio Cesaro, Main Event (July 10th)
Cesaro has his backup ringside. This gets like 15-20ish minutes, so it's awesome. They have a really nice amount of matwork early on before the obvious power/speed thing happens. Awesome Cesaro control segment again. His uppercuts are the best ever, his deadlift Gutwrench Suplex is still one of the coolest pieces of offense that he makes look totally normal, etc. Ziggler does an awesome old school style thing that is 100% frowned upon in modern WWE by yelling "GOD DAMNIT" when Cesaro puts a hold on. Really gets across the pain and competition. Ric Flair used to do it all the time. Cesaro mostly dominates which is for the best as Ziggler isn't a natural face in the ring yet, but he counters the pop up with his DDT, and then hits the Peace Zig. Swagger pulls him out for the DQ.
***
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013
Review World Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 7/8/2013

WWE Smackdown
July 12th, 2013
Hampton, VA


TONIGHT: ORTON/SHEAMUS BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T RUN IT YET IN 2013 AND THIS MAKES 4 YEARS IN A ROW

Match #1: Daniel Bryan vs. Christian
Hey, a great match. Good mat stuff early on, and CHRISTIAN DOES AN AMAZING DOUBLE A SPINEBUSTER! FUCK YEAH! This is like Bryan/Sheamus on Raw, but with less time, in that it's face/face and based around escalating spots and counters. This has cooler stuff, but also gets less time to build, so they sort of jump into it at a point. Christian cuts off the Tope Suicida with a sweet right hand, and Bryan works them arm when he can, and Christian sells all match. Bryan wins with the Yes Lock.
***

In the back, Teddy gives Ziggler the night off so he doesn't jeopardize his title match.

Match #2: Seth Rollins vs. Jey Uso
Both partners are there on the floor, and this is a fun four minutes. I'm kind of enraged at WWE fucking with the list again and making me split up The Usos into two spots. Rollins does nice stuff, and then Jey makes the comeback. Reigns distracts him by hitting a Lariat to Jimmy on the floor, and Rollins crotches him off the top rope. Jey gets up and Rollins hits the Blackout to win.
**

They recap Vickie's firing.

Match #3: Chris Jericho vs. Curtis Axel w/ Paul Heyman
This sucked again. I'm at the point where I'm more upset to see a Chris Jericho match listed than a Curtis Axel match. Jericho does lifeless stuff, Axel barely gets to do anything, and Jericho knocks him out of the ring with the Codebreaker to win by count out. I wish they cut this in half and Bryan/Christian got to go 15 instead of 10.
*3/4

Axel throws a fit post-match.

Match #4: Ryback vs. The Miz
HORRIBLE AGAIN. This is at least a real match though, and Ryback being reckless with Miz is enough to get them on the board because Miz almost dying makes me smile. I think the worst thing about modern WWE commentary is the phrase "you've gotta love The Miz." I don't have to love anything. Shut the fuck up, Michael. And you too, JBL. You're on Smackdown now with nobody watching, you can stop pretending this faggot is a person. Ryback oversells his knee to play on their last match in a nice thing and he hits the clothesline and Shellshocked to win.
*1/4

In the back, Renee interviews Sheamus about his match tonight. Sheamus says Irish folklore says St. Patty drove the snakes out of Ireland, and he'll do the same thing tonight. He says he's not afraid of heights and while he doesn't usually carry a briefcase to work, he might put some pints and corned beef in there. He says he's going to be come a tree time WWE Champion and when he does, pints are on him. Sheamus then says Renee is pretty cute. Pretty fucking feeble, Andy. Try harder next time.

featured an in-ring segment hosted by Long in which he oversaw the contract signing between WWE Divas Champion AJ and Kaitlyn for Money in the Bank, with Big E Langston, Alicia Fox, Aksana, Natalya Neidhart, Cameron, Naomi, and Layla also on hand; after the two signed the contract, AJ read texts Kaitlyn sent to her "secret admirer" in which she badmouthed Natalya, Cameron, and Naomi; Kaitlyn responded by saying AJ had no power over her and she would get her title back; Kaitlyn then shoved the table into the corner, pinning AJ, until Langston pulled her away; Kaitlyn then slapped Langston and dropped AJ with the spear

The Real Americans are ringside to watch the next match.

Match #5: Wade Barrett vs. Fandango w/ Summer Rae
This is absolutely a match again for 90 seconds. Team Rhodes Scholars comes out to argue with the Real Americans. Wade is distracted, and Fandango rolls him up to win.
3/4*

The teams argue on the floor.

A replay of the Wyatts' debut happens, and they announce that Kane is out of the match due to injury.

Alberto Del Rio is supposed to fight Sin Cara in a rematch. BUT SIN CARA IS WHITE TONIGHT AND BEATS UP ADR WITH A TON OF FIRE. PEACE ZIG FROM SIN CARA, AND IT'S CLEARLY ZIGGLER! FUCK YEAH THIS FEUD!

Posted Image

Match #6: Randy Orton vs. Sheamus
House show level work before Bryan comes out to hit them both with a ladder.
*3/4

moments later, Sheamus knocked Bryan to the floor as Bryan went to grab the briefcase above the ring; Christian then ran out and fought with Sheamus, with Bryan knocking Christian off the ladder before Orton dropped Bryan with the RKO; Orton then climbed the ladder and retrieved the briefcase to end the show
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013
Review World Champion: Daniel Bryan, Since 7/8/2013

Match #0: The Shield [c] vs. The Usos [WWE Tag Team Championship]
This currently holds the crown for best pre-show match since these came back in 2012. They start off a little bit rough with the Usos in control, but then ONE OF THE USOS TAKES AN INSIDE OUT BUMP ON THE APRON OFF A REIGNS LARIAT AND BASICALLY DOES A HEADER. JESUS CHRIST. Great Shield control segment happens next, and then an amazing finishing run. Usos get the dive and some revenge spots and a SUPER close nearfall off the Flying Splash. Reigns saves and then hits the non-legal Uso with a Superman Punch from the floor to apron. He gets the blind tag and the legal Uso gets the Buckle Bomb from Rollins and then killed by Reigns' Spear for the win.
***

Posted Image

WWE MONEY IN THE BANK 2013
JULY 14TH, 2013
PHILADELPHIA, PA

Match #1: Dean Ambrose vs. Jack Swagger vs. Antonio Cesaro vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Wade Barrett vs. Fandango [MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH]

-REAL AMERICANS KILLING EVERY DUDE WITH A LADDER
-Rhodes Scholars do the same
-FALLAWAY SLAM BY CESARO TO CODY INTO A LADDER
-In a match with all heels, some of the more likable guys like Ambrose and Cody get to do some awesome psuedo-babyface offense
-Wade does his awesome knees/boot combo to Ambrose while he's in between sides of an open ladder
-WADE FUCKING BREAKS OFF A RUNG AND DESTROYS EVERYONE WITH IT
-SWAGGER YANKS WADE OFF THE LADDER AND CESARO UPPERCUTS HIM OUT OF THE AIR HOLY SHIT
-Ambrose blocks the same into a Tornado DDT on Swagger
-CESARO GETS THE CHINLOCK TO AMBROSE ON TOP OF THE LADDER UNTIL HE PASSES OUT AND FALLS DOWN
-DIS MATCH
-Cody breaks out the Muscle Buster on Cesaro into the corner ladder
-Ambrose hits Fandango with the Headlock Driver as he's hanging off a rung
-AMBROSE WITH THE TERRY FUNK/BUBBA/THREE STOOGES SPOT, which leads to the following GOAT level MITB spot

Posted Image

Posted Image

-THEY THEN WALK IT OVER AND TOSS HIM OVER THE TOP. JESUS.
-Real Americans do a great stooging spot with Cesaro standing on Swagger's shoulders to touch the briefcase, BUT CODY CUTS IT OFF WITH A SPRINGBOARD MISSILE DROPKICK
-CROSS RHODES TO FANDANGO
-CROSS RHODES TO WADE
-FUCK YEAH CODY RHODES
-Cody stops Ambrose from getting it by reaching through and pulling his shirt forward to send him into the ladder a bunch
-BUT THE SHIELD COMES DOWN TO SAVE
-THE USOS COME AFTER THE SHIELD FUCK YEAH
-BIG ASS BRAWL ON THE FLOOR, AND CODY PUSHES AMBROSE OFF THE LADDER ONTO EVERYONE ELSE ON THE FLOOR
-And then after doing nothing all match, Sandow pushes Cody over the ladder and vultures the briefcase

This is a top 3 MITB match, along with the first at WrestleMania 21 and the one Daniel Bryan won in 2011. A great MITB match is based on having a story and a clash of styles, and this did that super well. The kind of manic brawling of Wade and Ambrose mixes well with the Real Americans' power, Sandow hiding out all match, and then Cody basically reinvigorated his career with his performance. You also have some all time great MITB spots like the Real Americans/Ambrose ladder platform and the Real Americans/Cody shoulders standing spot. Cody's run was amazing, and there was pretty much no wasted time here. The only thing that keeps this below the Blue Briefcase 2011 MITB is that the Bryan/Wade/Cody run at the end of that was just a little bit better than this one's final moments.
***1/2

And then yeah, Sandow is one of the WOAT MITB winners ever.

included an in-ring segment in which the new Raw GM, Brad Maddox, was introduced; Maddox said he was proud to be the new GM, said it would be difficult to fill the role of Vickie Guerrero, and then had her stand up and take a bow from the panel across the arena; Maddox then tried to get the crowd to chant "Thank you, Vickie" before showing a video in tribute to her, which highlighted many of her more embarrasing moments; he then asked for the fans to give her a standing ovation, which some did

Match #2: Curtis Axel [c] w/ Paul Heyman vs. The Miz [WWE Intercontinental Championship]
This sure was bad. Miz fakes being hit by Heyman early on, so Heyman is ejected. This is not great booking in Philadelphia, as they turn on the match entirely and greet the remaining 7-8 minutes with near total silence. They have a lazy and boring and unfocused match before Axel wins with the Krugerrand.
*1/2

SUMMERSLAM: AUGUST 18TH!

Match #3: AJ Lee [c] vs. Kaitlyn [WWE Divas Championship]
Big E and Layla are on the floor. Another good one here, but not quite great. AJ takes some insane bumps and works the arm. Kaitlyn does her best to sell it, but forgets about it about one-third of the time. She hits the Spear but hurts her arm doing it and AJ puts on the Black Widow to win.
**1/4

The kick off panel discusses the show. Big Show, Kofi, and Vickie have nothing interesting to say.

Match #4: Chris Jericho vs. Ryback
Hey, this also sucked, but Jericho's gone in a week. Ryback is randomly working as a musclehead cowardly heel here, which is terrible and makes no sense. He's also super exposed as a shitty wrestler by now. They do some things, and Jericho misses the Lionsault, and Ryback wins with a schoolboy. Real strong win there. Fuck both of these men and this feud.
*1/2

A video airs on the opening of the Performance Center.

A hype video airs for ADR/Ziggler.

Match #5: Alberto Del Rio [c] vs. Dolph Ziggler [World Heavyweight Championship]
This is great AGAIN. They got 15 minutes to play with and while it didn't have the amazing focus that Payback did with the head work, it's still a motivated ADR against one of the hardest working dudes in the WWE. ADR goes after the head at points and Ziggler ragdolls amazingly, but it never really gets to the desperate tone of Payback. ADR brings out his Hamrick Bump, although he still can't do it as well as the master. Some great nearfalls as they get to have a legit finishing run now. AJ Lee comes out to cheer on Ziggler, and he says he's fine. Ziggler is closing in but ADR antagonizes her to save his title, SO SHE HITS HIM WITH THE DIVAS TITLE! NO, GOD DAMNIT! FUCK.
***

ADR bails with the belt and Ziggler is mad. AJ is sorry, and Ziggler is obviously pissed off and walks out on her. And this is how they manage to end the awesome ADR/Ziggler feud without Ziggler ever getting his payoff, by putting him in a feud with a woman. It would be some fine story telling that you'll no doubt see in WCW 2013 to have Ziggler win the title back and THEN split with AJ leading to stuff, but that would interfere with both punishing Ziggler for stuff and continuing to push golden boy ADR in spite of his total failure to sustain any kind of heat or overness in the three years since his megapush began.

I guess what I'm saying is fuck Twitter. None of this would have happened if not for that fucking thing.

R.I.P. Team Rocket.

Hype video for Cena/MOK.

Match #6: John Cena [c] vs. Mark Henry [WWE Championship]
Great lower key Cena v. Monster match. Mark's stuff is all awesome and he does his classic brick wall type thing where he gradually sells more and more so Cena eventually taking him down is a huge deal. Cena has some good hope spots too, but Mark gets more and more violent and breaks out the Cesaro barricade giant swing spot. Cena botched a DDT counter, but it adds to the match because they explain it as an effect of Mark's beating. MARK KICKS OUT OF THE FU! FUCK YEAH! He hits the WSM, but Cena kicks out. Mark goes to cheating, AND GETS A STRAIGHT PUNT TO THE DICK. CENA KICKS OUT, GOD DAMNIT. Cena floats out of WSM #2, and puts on the STFU for kind of an anticlimactic win. Still, awesome match.
***

The kickoff panel says words.

Match #7: CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton vs. Sheamus vs. Christian vs. Rob Van Dam [MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH]
-Punk randomly cares again, and Punk/Bryan rules one last time
-Basic ladder stuff for a bit
-SHEAMUS PUNCHES CHRISTIAN THROUGH A LADDER OPENING
-Great moment with all six on ladders and Punk swings the briefcase away to stop anyone from getting it
-Sheamus hits Bryan with the chest clubs on top of the ladder
-There are LONG gaps in action because of how fucking long this one is at 26 minutes
-This is also super safe and routine with a lot of what they do, further proving that established guys like this really shouldn't be in MITB when they have no incentive to do the kind of insane things that younger guys will do to make their names
-Bryan finally starts going apeshit to make this work again for the first time in like 10 minutes
-Sheamus goes through a ladder set up as a platform on the apron and barricade
-Bryan goes up, but Curtis Axel comes to cost him
-He beats him down with a chair a lot
-CM PUNK HITS AXEL WITH THE GTS FUCK YOU
-Heyman then throws a ladder into CM Punk when he climbs and then Punk turns to see him doing it, and Heyman throws it into his face
-With everyone down, Orton climbs up and gets it down
-Randy also wins the Review World Title :(

Boy was that the definition of average.
**1/2
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You know you've got a good MITB match when Fandango sunset flip powerbombing Wade off a ladder isn't even mentioned!
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Big Tuna
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The Master and Ruler Of The World

WWE Champion: John Cena, Since 4/7/2013 - LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION CURRENTLY
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio, Since 6/16/2013
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel, Since 6/16/2013
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield, Since 5/19/2013
WWE Diva's Champion: AJ Lee, Since 6/16/2013
NXT Champion: Bo Dallas, Since 6/12/2013
NXT Tag Team Champions: The Wyatt Family, Since 5/8/2013
Review World Champion: Randy Orton, Since 7/14/2013

WWE Raw
July 15th, 2013
Brooklyn, NY


Brad Maddox comes out to open the show and says it's his first Raw as GM and he books ADR/Ziggler in a rematch from last night. John Cena comes out and gets booed and he tells Brad to enjoy this because he's finally the most popular man in the ring. Maddox says he admires Cena, so he's going to let him choose his own #1 Contender for SummerSlam! Cena says he could choose ANYBODY and that might be a bad call because he could pick Dok Hendrix or Dutch Mantell or even Michael Cole. Randy Orton comes out with the briefcase containing the prestigious REVIEW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP and says Cena might not make it to SummerSlam as champion, and if that was the case, he would never see it coming. I don't get why he would even do that. Surely it would be even more surprising if Randy made zero threats. Fandango then comes out and says he will be cashing in, but it would be on him after he became champion when Cena picked him. This is an obvious set up as Orton throws Fandango out and Maddox books the match.

Match #1: Randy Orton vs. Fandango w/ Summer Rae
This gets 10ish minutes, and is super mediocre. Orton isn't putting in effort, and Fandango is the definition of average in the ring, while being a very entertaining personality and super charismatic. Orton basically does his normal comeback and wins with the RKO.
*1/2

In the back, Ziggler dumps AJ. :( This is upsetting. They had a ton of chemistry and really acted the part well. Ziggler, AJ, and Langston came off like a really well adjusted couple of cool people and their best friend who happened to be wrestlers and all clicked super well. They're like the intergender stable version of the Hollywood Blonds, split up WELL before their time.

Mark Henry comes out and gets "YOU TAPPED OUT" chants. He agrees and then yells that they would have done the same thing. He says he's not here to apologize or make excuses and while John Cena is one of the greatest champions of all time, he wants to be the one to challenge him at SummerSlam. BUT HOLD ON. SIERRA HOTEL INDIA ECHO LIMA DELTA. SHIELD. THE SHIELD COMES OUT AND MARK FIGHTS THEM. FUCK YEAH FACE TURN. MOK GETS HIT WITH THE TRIPLE POWERBOMB!

featured a backstage segment with Maddox and Chris Jericho, with Maddox saying Jericho should face Rob Van Dam later in the night if he was trying to impress Cena and earn a title shot

Match #2: Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler
This is around the same level as last night as being a low level great match, or was on its way there before the abrupt ending. Ziggler takes a disgusting face-first bump over the top to the floor to really heat it up, and they have a fantastic finishing run. ADR plays off the Hamrick Bump from last night by blocking it, but it allows Ziggler to finally come back. Ziggler hits the Fameasser, but the bell rings. He looks over and AJ is standing by the timekeeper's table. He's distracted and ADR hits the Basement Superkick to win.
**3/4

Post-match, Big E comes out and hits Ziggler with the Big Ending. AJ then slaps at him in the ring.

R-Truth comes out and raps, BUT FUCK THAT. DE -- WYATT FAMILY'S HERE AND TRUTH DIES WHILE BRAY WATCHES. They throw him out and Bray gets up and into the ring. Bray gets on the mic and says they've been lying to you and there's no such thing as a hero, not anymore. You've become addicted to the illusion of what a hero is and does for you and you think you need someone to pat you on the back and tuck you in bed and kiss you on the cheek and tell you everything is alright. EVERYTHING IS NOT ALRIGHT. What if he was to tell you that the man who made you is a liar? What if he said your own flesh and blood turned his back on you? He would never turn his back on you and maybe he, Bray Wyatt, the Eater of Worlds, has been the answer all along. Truth comes back in, but Bray beats him up and hits Sister Abigail. FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS.

Random fan voting books The Usos vs. Real Americans.

Before the match, Zeb gets on the mic and tells John Cena to do the right thing for America and pick one of his men.

Match #3: The Usos vs. The Real Americans w/ Zeb Coulter
I'm positive these two teams have a great match in them if they can let Cesaro do most of the work for his team, but this is only two minutes, so whatever. The real good part of this is that with the Real Americans, WWE has a gatekeeper #2 heel team that they can use to build up teams for The Shield, which is a necessary part of every great tag division. Cesaro is in the middle of his control seg, but an Uso slides out of the gutwrench and into a schoolboy to win.
*1/2

Match #4: Christian vs. Damien Sandow

This is all of three minutes, and a Christian showcase, as the MITB Curse now decided to make Sandow into some random jobber. Although being fair, fuck him, he's perfectly cut out to be a jobber. He stooges a lot and Christian wins with the Killswitch.
*3/4

Post-match, Sandow gets up and announces himself as the MITB winner, AND CODY RUNS OUT AND STARTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM! FUCK YEAH! Sandow flees, and Cody has more fire and energy here as a babyface right now than he's had since the UnDashing stuff in the first half of 2011.

1-800-FELLA. Call if if you like to get blown by dudes, because they can direct you to the nearest Greyhound bus station bathroom.

Match #4: Naomi vs. Brie Bella
Their tag partners are there, but this is a train wreck that drags on and on and on for 4 minutes. Naomi wins with a Crossbody.
1/2*

CM Punk comes out, and he gets on the mic. He says he knows Paul Heyman is in the building and he knows Brock Lesnar is in the building and says he's not waiting anymore. Paul Heyman comes out to the stage and says he's looking at an empty ring because in his world, CM Punk doesn't exist. He says in 2005, WWE had no vision for CM Punk and he was a figment of Paul Heyman's imagination and he befriended him and taught him and trained him and martyred his entire career for him and then they reached the Holy Grail together and THEY were the WWE Champion for 434 days. THEY were the longest reigning champion of the last 25 years. THEY came within in an inch of breaking The Streak. THEY, CM Punk, THEY were the BEST IN THE WORLD. Without him, Paul Heyman, CM Punk is not the best in the world. Everybody's asked him what happened and why he betrayed CM Punk, and the truth is that he failed them when he couldn't beat The Undertaker and when he went home and FOUND HIMSELF, he thought he was better than him. So he lied to him, he manipulated him, because he can never claim that CM Punk dumped Paul Heyman. History is going to write that he dumped CM Punk. He wanted it to stay personal, so he made it as personal as he could. CM Punk has no family, he's estranged from his own parents, he has no wife or children, and all he has is the fans and their admiration and respect and affirmation. So he's punishing them. They took his best friend CM Punk from him, so he took their chance at CM Punk being the champion again away from the fans and from CM Punk. Here's the kicker to his best friend and brother and business son and man who wouldn't be his client. He made Punk swear on his children, but they're the ones who made it clear and asked, "Daddy, why doesn't Punk listen to you like Brock listens to you? Daddy, isn't Brock going to hurt Punk? Daddy, can Punk beat Brock Lesnar?" If he wants to know why he betrayed him, here's the harshest truth of all. He betrayed him because CM Punk can't beat Brock Lesnar. DAT PROMO. Punk says he saw first hand last night that the truth hurts and maybe he should have seen it coming, but damnit, he trusted him and now all he has is 13 staples. He says Paul should know how relentless he can be and the truth is that he's going to get him. He'll get every one of his associates, everyone who profited it, had knowledge of it, or enjoyed it. His friends and his clients and anyone who gets in between the two of them. Paul says since Punk's trying to tell him he has no future, he's going to spell Punk's immediate future out for him.

"IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME."

BROCK LESNAR COMES OUT AND THEY HAVE AN AMAZING FIGHT! Brock hurls him around ringside and then hits a killer F5 onto the announce table.

In the back, Khali stops Cena and says they would have the best match ever in super broken English. Cena responds in Indian and walks away. Khali is happy.

featured a backstage segment with Maddox, Stephanie McMahon, and Triple H in which Stephanie and Triple H said Maddox was doing a great job but noted the show wasn't over yet, then questioned if Maddox ran his idea for Cena's challenger through Vince McMahon first; Stephanie and Triple H said they hoped Cena picked who they thought he would pick, but it might make Vince nervous

Match #6: Chris Jericho vs. Rob Van Dam
This gets 15+ minutes, so basically, this is a mockery of what they used to be able to do and a massive "fuck you" to anyone watching this show for good wrestling, since this was never ever going to be a good match with these two in 2013 and they could have given it to Usos/Americans and had a killer match or allowed ADR/Ziggler to really develop, but nope. Jericho has to try one last time for a big epic. Which in Jericho's mind in 2013 means the first half is routine and super boring and really loose and sloppy matwork before they trade big moves and finisher kickouts in a convoluted and super obvious manner. I hate to compare the two matches, but this reminds me a lot of the Hunter/Shawn HIAC match in that it was far too long and they could have saved everyone time by just taking their gear off and jerking each other off right in the middle of the ring on live TV. It would have been half as long and unlike the match, would have cut straight to the point of the match's existence. Fuck this match. Fuck Rob Van Dam after 2003, mostly. Fuck Chris Jericho after summer 2009. Fuck these two both extra hard in 2013. And fuck Chris Jericho in 2014 when he return for MITB. Eddie Guerrero is dead. Chris Benoit is dead and largely banished from history for fair and obvious reasons. Dean Malenko is retired. Juventud lost his god damned mind. X-Pac fucked Chyna and tore his asshole wide open. Lance Storm is retired. Foley is retired. Mikey is retired. 2 Cold Scorpio never really made it. Sabu is a cripple. Sandman is a wreck. Perry Saturn became a meth addict who fought crime. Rey Mysterio's knees collapsed. Booker T is retired. Raven is fat and in poor ring shape. Steve Corino never made it. Tajiri is Japanese, so he never had a real shot in WWE. There's probably more I'm forgetting. These two are the only two left from the group that came to prominence in the mid to late 1990s. AND THIS IS WHAT REMAINS FROM PRO WRESTLING'S VERSION OF THE GREATEST GENERATION. WHY THE FUCK ARE THESE TWO STILL ALIVE AND ACTIVE? This match is pro wrestling nihilism. Don't become a fan of anybody. Either they'll fucking die or they'll live forever and become terrible and disgrace themselves time and time and time again. Fuck this match, and fuck the WWE a little bit for encouraging these cheap nostalgia things instead of moving the fuck on. Can't we just remember these two for when they were actually fucking awesome instead of trotting them out to slowly kill that memory every few years? This is like running Shawn vs. Scott Hall for 20 minutes in the early 2000s or bringing back Tito Santana and Greg Valentine to go 20 in the mid 90s. Fuck everything. After a bunch of bullshit that goes for what feels like a millenia and felt like my fucking life being replayed in slow motion, Rob Van Dam wins with the Five Star Frog Splash.
Andy's Laugh

Coming back, every roster member is on the stage and John Cena comes out to the ring. He asks the crowd who they want to see since this is a rare opportunity he has. They chant for Bryan and "YES" it up. Cena just randomly asks about people to kill time while the crowd is clearly against everyone who isn't Bryan. Cena says he's picking a guy who deserves this match and it's gonna make SummerSlam real special if he accepts, and he picks DANIEL BRYAN! YEAH! Bryan comes down and YES's in Cena's face to end the show.
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