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Review-A-Post
Topic Started: Sep 16 2008, 07:44 PM (42 Views)
Orion Fulcry
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This has been something I've been stewing over for some time now. I thought it'd be cool to have a place where you can get your posts critiqued by other members in a friendly way.

So this is how it'd work: When posting, you choose a single post of yours from somewhere on this site (although I suppose other sites might be okay, too), and the next person will review/critique it. This means that once this thing gets started up, you will be reviewing someone else's post every time you want one of your own critiqued.

Of course, thing should definitely be kept friendly. While there might not be a limit to how long your critique has to be, it should definitely be constructive. Don't just say it was horrible. And try not to just say you liked it. At least say what you liked about it, or how they might fix something that's horrible. And if you don't want one of your own posts critiqued, that's fine. Just critique the post above yours, and the next person will, as well.

Pretty simple concept, I think. So...who wants to review my post? =3

~~~

Orion groggily began to untie the lifeline from around his waist. He had lost track of how many times it had saved him as the ship bucked to and fro. Limbs aching from the long night spent staying alive, it took him longer than expected to loosen the knot on the rope.

Finally succeeding, he staggered to his feet and looked about. The ship was in shabby shape. Ropes everywhere were tangled about themselves, and here and there, pieces of wood from mysterious sources littered the decks.

"All right, everyone who is not needed for duty, stand down and get some sleep. Hazelrose, we'll need something hot to eat, preferably. Those who are on duty, get moving. Clean-up crew is with Ruva; the rest of you are with Orion. Get the sails in order and try to untangle those ropes."

The sound of Commander Skahr's voice helped to focus Orion's mind. Sodden tail twitching, sending water droplets flying, he saluted - something that came much easier to him now - and made his way up into the rigging. The overbearing feeling of seasickness that had stayed with him all through the night instantly began to lessen.

Taking a deep breath, and letting it out, the red squirrel scurried up to the top of the mainmast and took closer stock of the situation. After a good look, he frowned, muttered something to himself, and turned to address those who had clambered up after him. There were more than he had expected. Blinking in surprise, Orion could think of nothing to say for a moment. Finally, he gathered his wits as best as he could manage, and cleared his throat nervously.

"Alright, just like Commander Skahr said, we need to get the sails into working order, and the ropes untangled as possible." He ran a paw through the wet fur on his neck and looked at the group thoughtfully. "Okay, well...I'll take five of whoever feel comfortable enough to work on the sails. We'll start on the main sail and work towards the front, then to the back. The rest of you, go ahead and start untangling ropes."

There were nods and yessirs and the crew began to go about their tasks.

"Oh, and one other thing." They stopped and looked curiously at Orion. "Take extra care while up here. We made it through the storm without losing anybeast. It would be pointless to lose someone now."
Lieutenant Orion Fulcry
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Life + Universe + Everything = 42


Alt: Amos Charp
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Lady Admin
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So for the record, I thought this post was a great idea and didn’t want to see it get buried or forgotten. But I also had a particular post in mind that I wanted critiqued and well… I didn’t get to post it until today, so I haven’t replied until now.

So, sorry Orion, for the wait!

Here is my review on your post:

Wonderful! In typical review fashion, however, I’ll go over the negatives before delving into the positives. Aaaand, pretty much the only thing about this post that could be seen as room for improvement was that it didn’t do much to move the thread along. Of course, you need to balance that out with the fact that you aren’t the one orchestrating the Kestrel thread, so this particular post was kind of just filler, responding to the events that Tally had set up and waiting for the next big thing to happen.

But really, that’s ridiculously minor and honestly the only thing I could say for you to improve on. I liked that the post wasn’t crazy long and intensely detailed. You gave just enough information to allow a reader to form a mental image of what was happening, which is all that was needed. I thought it was pretty great that you had Orion get seasick because it evens him out as a character. He’s a big tough warrior squirrel who… gets queasy at sea. And to top it off it happens, of course, when a certain lady squirrel is about that he finds himself attracted to. Got me giggling.

I also noticed how you brought out Orion’s adjustment to giving orders. He still seems to fumble with it a bit, which was nifty. So often when characters are promoted they seem to immediately know everything about their new role. In this post we can see Orion in a stage of adjustment still.

We also get a look at how resourceful your warrior is. Patching sails isn’t exactly something they practice in the North Tower, but he’s been ordered to do it and takes to it with a will. I stored that away when I read it. Good quality for a budding hero to hone. ^^

Keep it up, Orion! I enjoy reading your posts and writing with you. You’re really creative and I have a fun time viewing the world through the eyes of your characters.


So then, my post! It’s actually… two posts, sue me. I’m hoping this still counts considering I wrote them both, and originally they really were one post instead of two. But I ended up splitting it between Talyn and Jade. You know, more dramatic that way. Let me know, Orion, if you’d rather I just posted one of them.

At any rate, these are taken from the thread “Strong Stone Walls Approach” in the Grounds and Outbuildings forum.

Quote:
 

Talyn carried a lit torch to fend off the coming shadows as she walked across the grounds toward the gatehouse. Funnily enough it was for the same reason as her fellow commander: she needed more ink. Unlike her previous second-in-command types, she had been unable to drive Riptide away by making all the paperwork his responsibility. Instead the sea otter had taken to the task with gusto. He seemed to love setting a form on his desk, whipping out his quill, and filling it out using very bold, slashing pen strokes. It seemed like an odd kind of game to him in which he strove to perfect his penmanship… or something. Talyn thought the whole ritual was rather odd, especially the way Riptide would mutter “take that!” every time he crossed his ‘t’s. Due to this he loved signing Talyn’s name on anything, and the squirrel commander was seriously considering starting to do some of the paperwork again on her own just to avoid Riptide’s odd behavior. That and he used up unreal amounts of ink because of all his wild quill waving and his violent crossing of ‘t’s.

The squirrel’s thoughts were drawn away from her crazy colonel and switched instead to the crazy West Tower Commander. Talyn sighed openly and waved at Tally. If it wasn’t one insane otter it was another. It seemed there was just no way for her to avoid them today, and if she had to put up with one or the other she would rather it be Tally. At least when she was with the West Tower Commander she didn’t have to worry that she was setting up a prank in her office. That happened often enough that Talyn checked her office door automatically by now.

“Hey. No doubt you’re headed to the gatehouse, hm? Because that’s where I’m headed, and with my luck that’s naturally your destination as well.”

Talyn fell into step beside the otter, and as they approached the gatehouse they saw Telo scuttle out of it and work to open the large wooden gate. Apparently there were some new arrivals, and the two commanders each slowed slightly to see who it was.

And then everything happened very quickly.

The travelers from outside emerged, revealing five armed squirrels and a female otter with a cane. Their eyes were immediately drawn to the torch in Talyn’s paws, and moved quickly from the light to its bearer. Talyn’s eyes grew wide as her mind flashed back to a time long ago, and each of the five squirrels before her were there.

Shouts of “Her!” and “Attack!” rang out at the same time from the small squirrel band, and they quickly drew their weapons and got into a formation in front of the otter.

“What are you doing here?!” Talyn snarled.
But the question went ignored by both its asker and receiver, as the squirrel chieftain and Talyn launched themselves at one another. Talyn’s torch tore through the air in a fiery arc, and the sound of a blade sinking into the wood seemed to echo across the grounds.

-

Jade had entered the gates along with the rest of her companions as they were granted entrance. Her mind was filled with thoughts of being greeted by her brother—however, they were soon interrupted by something very unexpected.

“Her!”

“Attack!”

The sound of weapons being drawn by her squirrel friends was unmistakable. Jade was stunned and confused by their actions. Her first thought was that they had been tricked, and that they had been faced with vermin on the inside of the fort. In her fear she gripped her cane and tried to shrink away from the fight, her mind working furiously about what to do if they were surrounded by vermin. Back when she had her sight she would hardly have thought such things, but battle was a very different place for a blind beast. Jade was defenseless when it came right down to it.

“What are you doing here?!”

The sound of this new voice could easily have led Jade to believe that they really were surrounded by vermin, but it was actually the snarl that followed it that alerted her to the reality of the situation. Squirrel snarls had a very particular sound to them. The otter had learned this early on traveling with Omihran and his warriors.

Jade felt the chieftain surge forward, and a split second later she realized he was attacking the new voice. He was attacking a fellow squirrel!

“NO!” she screamed and lunged forward herself. Her arms flailed wildly and her cane came in contact with one of the warriors she had just chatted with about dinner outside the gate. Unknown to her she had probably saved Talyn’s life, as her cane struck the notched bow of the squirrel and caused him to fire his arrow far to the right of the two fighters. He had been seconds away from taking a shot into the fray.

As she became off balanced and fell to her knees Jade heard the sound of Omihran’s dirk hum through the air. She winced as it struck wood. It sickened her to think that he was attacking another squirrel.

“What are you doing?!’ she bellowed, her clear voice carrying over the sounds of the fight.

“Jade, you can’t see so you don’t understand!” The sound of Omihran’s voice cut through everything and seemed to stab at the otter they were so harsh. ”This is the traitor that caused the death of my entire tribe!”

maybe it is them
maybe it is me
or maybe it's Maybeline
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