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Rungs and Turmoil; continued
Topic Started: Oct 7 2008, 12:40 AM (153 Views)
R. McNeil
Member Avatar
....darkness and light
I sat at my desk, face in my hands. It had been a hell of a few months. The ups and downs; the good and bad. The emotional roller coaster had taken more than a toll on me. I was exhausted, and frustrated. So much stress lately. I had began to care about what other people were saying. I actually took in their hate, and let it stab at me. But it weighed on me far too much, plaguing my every thought. I wasn't perfect, nor was anyone else. I shed the armor I had built. I was human, flesh and blood. No longer would I fear my emotions. I was ready to shed my fears.

As I thought to myself, I grabbed a pen, and a pad of paper from the desk. I was going to release myself from these shackles of hate. This game, was what I was good at. This is what I was put here to do. I put the earphones of my IPod in to my ear, as I began to write.

I was told I wasn't good enough.

Look where I am.

They told me I was conceited.

I have every reason.

Finally, they said I'd never be World Champ.

They'll be wrong.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's no holding me back

I'm not driven by fear

I'm just driven by anger

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blood. Sweat. Tears. Not just the liquids of a human body. Each one has their own meaning. A symbol of the determination involved. Every time I step in to a ring, look to the mat, and see the stains of blood on the mat, I realize that I'm not the only one with a heart. I'm not the greatest to ever grace this ring, nor am I the greatest now. Last week opened my eyes to this.

But it doesn't mean I can't become the greatest. I'm as much of a human as anyone else. Even with my delusional thoughts of superstardom, I realize that I am NOT unparalleled. I am merely flesh and blood. But there is more than just physical.

The mind is far stronger than the body. This, I've realized, is what can make you or break you. The mind possesses the power to overcome fears; repair wounds; and most importantly, a strong mind is the backbone of superstardom.

My mind was once weak. Clouded with thoughts of being the greatest. Thoughts so strong, they put a chokehold on reality, leading to the illusion of being a GOD. If my life had strictly evolved around wrestling, there would be little complaining. But I had begun to abuse my relationship with my wife.

I had always spoke about being a Saint, but the true saint was Toya, and the unborn child still in her womb. I wasn't a hero, nor a household name. I am simply human.

I am the same as Thanatos. I am the same as Eric Collum. What I do, and how I do it, is no different from any man who brings themselves to a CZW ring. I just thought I meant more.

No one knew what it was like to be swarmed by fans; to be hunted down for autographs; or to even be photographed for hours. It all played a huge role in to the alarming speed of the inflation of my ego. I was a commodity.

Then I watched myself bleed at the hands of another man. I watched myself drag my name through the mud. Then I felt the stinging sensation of tears. There was never something like it. I'd never wish it on another soul. The free fall I took from the top felt like it was never ending; but the landing was far worse.

I've stood at the bottom before, but not so broken or crushed. I was at the first rung of the ladder again. But we fall only to teach us to pick ourselves back up again. My ego was my downfall.

I now realize my worth isn't supposed to be so material. I crossed a fine line. Now I had to mend the ties I had severed.

Time was no longer on my side. These were the later years of my life. I was soon to have a family. It was now or never.

No false confidences, and no illusions. I'd go with my skill and heart. I wasn't a wrestling god, nor a king. I was a man.

I am Ronnie McNeil.

Flesh and blood

And my road to redemption beings now.
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