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| I'm sending him home | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 8 2008, 02:11 PM (190 Views) | |
| "Bad Ass" Matt Covey | Oct 8 2008, 02:11 PM Post #1 |
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Bad MF'er
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The sun beams warmly across the skyline, highlighting most of Trenton, New Jersey with a warm and golden glow. Yet even though the sun appears to cover all grounds equally, one shanty looking house that rests beneath it’s radiance still looks cold, uninviting and like an all around piece of shit. Inside, a portly woman stands over a stove that clearly needs to be replaced, cooking up something that probably smells about as bad as the man who sits in a broken recliner in the next room. Bertha: How you want your eggs, Rufus? Rufus: Damnit, woman! I told you I don’t want no eggs! They back me up and then I ain’t a shittin’ for like a damn week! Just get me a beer and some damn peanut butter! Bertha: Don’t you be cussin’ me like that, Rufus! What would the good lord say? Rufus: He’d probably give me a “hell yeah” and tell your fat ass to get him a beer too! Bertha: Keep flapping them gums, Rufus! I’ll come in there and slap you upside the head with this skillet! Rufus: Good! You’ll be providing me with a mercy death, after that pan of dog food you called a casserole last night. Got my bowels all backed up. My ass ain’t never gonna see the light of a toilet again. Bertha walks into the living room, handing her husband a beer, before turning back to the kitchen. Rufus eyes the frosty beverage and licks his lips as he glances between it and the static filled tv screen that appears to be showing a football game, though you couldn’t make out who’s playing for all of the terrible reception. Suddenly, the front door busts open, slamming hard against the wall. Rufus nearly falls out of his chair from the suden shock. His eyes grip him with fear and a sudden sense of dread as his nephew walks into the house. Rufus: Aw, hell. Why are you here? Bad Ass: Don’t talk to me like that, Rufus. I’ll slap what teeth you have left out of your damn head. Rufus: Ha, ha! The joke’s on you! I only got the one tooth now! Matt walks up to his uncle and grabs him up out of his chair by the collar of his badly stained wife beater. Bad Ass: When you talk to me, you speak with a tone of respect. Otherwise, I’ll grab a set of pliers and rip that tooth out of your head and lodge it up your cantankerous old ass. Matt tosses Rufus to the floor and then takes his seat in the recliner, propping his feet up on Rufus’ back and taking Rufus’ unopened beer for himself. Bad Ass: Shit, Rufus. You still drinking this Natural Light piss water? Rufus: It’s cheap. Beer is beer. Bad Ass: I won’t argue with that one. Bertha calls out from the kitchen as her footsteps herald her arrival towards the living room. Bertha: What is with all the racket, Rufus? Are you scratching your balls with my crochet needles agai… Oh Jesus, no! Bertha stands looking over the back of the recliner at her nephew and the human foot stool, Rufus. Bad Ass: And the bitch has arrived. Bertha: What are you doing here? Bad Ass: I told you old pricks. This is my house now. I’ll come and go as I damn well please. Now what the hell are you cooking that smells like dying ass in there? Bertha: I’m fixin’ up some ham and eggs. You eatin’? Bad Ass: God, no. I feel like living another day or two. Everything you touch has death written all over it. It’s only a matter of time before your colon’s explode. Rufus: Ha, ha! That’s what I said! Bertha: Oh yeah? Well, you can go to hell, Rufus! Make your own damn dinner tonight! Rufus: Bitch… Bertha: Rufus Jeremiah Covey! What’d you call me?!? Rufus: I didn’t say anything, woman! Bertha: I’m getting’ ma skillet! Bad Ass: Way to show some balls there, Ruf. Let me handle this. Matt stands up from the chair. As Bertha comes storming back into the room, Matt simply sidesteps her, watching as she cracks Rufus in the forehead with the burning skillet. Rufus howls, and grabs at his red and already blistering skin. No sooner than Bertha turns around, Matt decks his aunt in the face with a hard right, causing her to drop the skillet and fall to the floor in a daze. He then sits in the recliner once more, finally popping the top off the beer and downing several gulps before belching aloud. Rufus looks u at him from the floor. Rufus: Why couldn’t you hit her before she wailed on me? Damn thing was hot as hell! Bad Ass: Because, if you’d been smart, you would have knocked her the f**k out yourself before she hit you. See how this works? You just learned something. I bet you don’t let her swing a skillet at your head no more. Rufus rubs his head which now carries the red imprint of the bottom of the cast iron skillet. Rufus: Hell no I won’t. So what the hell are you doing here, again? Bad Ass: What did I just f**king tell you about respect, Rufus? Rufus: Sorry. What brings you to our humble abode? Bad Ass: I came to tell you guys I’ll be sending your baby boy home soon. Bertha suddenly raises up from the floor, her eye swelling and bruised as she and Rufus exclaim at the same time. Rufus and Bertha: Mikkel! Bad Ass: What? No! Not Mikkel! The retarded one! I’m sending Ed home! Bertha breaks down. Bertha: Why Jesus? Rufus: Easy there, mama. Jesus had nothing to do with the creation of that thing. Bertha: Why? Why couldn’t you just send Mikkel instead? Matt suddenly raises up in the recliner and kicks Bertha back down on the floor again. Bad Ass: You swine mother f**kers don’t get it do you? Mikkel HATES you! He always has! Ed at least tried to show you some form of love and respect, which if you ask me, was wasted on two old fart f**kers like yourselves. Good God, with parents like you, who needs enemies? Your shitbags. The worst parents to ever be placed on this God forsaken planet! You almost make me feel bad for the goofy bastard! If Ed had a bit more common sense, maybe he’d learn to hate you too. At least Mikkel loves his brother, even if he does show it with a pounding every now and again. Bertha: That’s not true! Nobody loves, Ed! Bad Ass: No, that’s where you’re confused. Nobody loves you two assholes. Your own children hate the ground you walk on. Mikkel ran off when he came of age because he hated you so much. Get him drunk some time. He’ll tell you. I’ve only heard the story like a hundred times now. And as far as nobody loving Ed? I hate to say it, cuz I’m really pissed at him at the moment, but a recent poll showed he was in fact, the most popular, if not loved star on the CZW roster. Kids love him. Women swoon over his child like demeanor. The world shows him the love you f**kers failed to all his years growing up! Rufus: Well, if the world loves him so damn much, why don’t he just stay gone? Bad Ass: Well, you see, that would be my doing. He broke our contractual agreement. I’m pissed off and now I’m taking away the one thing he loves the most in this world, and that’s his career. After I beat him stup… Wait, you can’t make stupid worse. Okay, after I beat him senseless this week, he’ll no longer have a job and I’ll be sending his ass back here so that maybe he’ll wise up and kick you two old crows to the curb and out of my house. Bertha cries on the floor. Bertha: What did we do to deserve this? If only Mikkel were here! Sweet, sweet, Mikkel! Realizing his aunt is oblivious to everything he just said, Matt gets up from his chair and grabs her by the muumuu, dragging her towards the stairs. Rufus quickly swipes the beer and takes a big swig before replacing it and sitting in the floor again. Matt kicks his aunt in the ass as she begins to crawl up the stairs. Bad Ass: And you stay in that damn room, until I call for your fat ass! Matt returns to the recliner and sits, he grabs up the beer but then pauses. Sniffing about, he looks around the room and then at Rufus who tries to look innocent. Matt lifts the beer to his nose and sniffs the open can hole. He then chucks the beer at Rufus’ head, a ping sound emanating as te can bounces off his dome. Bad Ass: Get your own damn beer, Rufus! Rufus: How’d you know? Bad Ass: Your breath smells like ass, and now that beer does too. Rufus: Jeez. Shouldn’t you be off with that manly wife of yours? Or maybe on vacation with that fruity fudge packin’ fella? Matt stares at Rufus, unemotional in the slightest. He then stands and grabs Rufus by the neck, dragging him towards the basement door. Opening the door, he lines Rufus up and kicks him in the ass, sending him rolling down the stairs into the flooded basement. (Writers Note: Yup. Still flooded. Always flooded.) Bad Ass: You make me do this, Rufus! A splash is heard from down in the dark and then Rufus’ voice calls back. Rufus: It was worth it! Matt slams the basement door and slides a chair under the doorknob to keep his uncle locked in. He then grabs another beer from the fridge before strolling back into the living room, sitting in his chair once more. He cracks the top, but before he can sips it, two hands wrap around his face, covering his eyes. Voice: Guess who? Bad Ass: Better be a fine piece of ass, or I’ll be pissed. The hands come away from his face and then Hellena pops into view at his side. Bad Ass: And I was right. Hellena: Hiya, sexy! Hellena plops down on the couch next to Matt. Bad Ass: I’m glad you’re here. I need your opinion on something. Hellena: Shoot. Bad Ass: You love Ed, right? Hellena: Loved. There’s an “e” and a “d” on the end signifying past tense. Bad Ass: Okay, used to love. Are we doing the right thing with Ed, here? Hellena: Aw, don’t tell me you’re going all soft too. Bad Ass: Hell no! I’m just trying to decide if it’s enough that we’re kicking his ass and taking him out of the business. Hellena: Look, if there’s one thing Ed loves more than anything else in the world…including me… It’s wrestling. He broke my heart when he chose those fools in XTC over us. And in return, I want you to break his face! Rearrange his stupid f**king head until it resembles some form of abstract art! Crush him beneath your heel, and then spit on him! Bad Ass: Wow. You really don’t like him anymore, do you? Hellena: Hell no! f**k him! Bad Ass: I believe you have, several times. Hellena: Hey! I loved him once upon a time! Anyway. Kick the shit out of him, and then take away from him the one thing he loves above all else. I did my part. Matt glares at Hellena questioningly. Hellena: I slashed the tires on his van and set the son of a bitch on a fire. Let’s see hi be proud of that piece of shit, now. Matt throws his head back and laughs. But the laughter is soon interrupted by a knock on the wooden door frame which sits, still open. Matt peers around his chair at the open door way and then sighs as he lays eyes upon CZW’s premier interviewer and his former flame, Jenny Jacobs. Bad Ass: What do you want? Jenny brazenly walks into the house and stands before him with her hands on her hips. Jenny Jacobs: Well, I’m supposed to get an in depth interview with you regarding your cousin’s final match this week. But I’ve got a few things of my own I’d like to discuss with you. Bad Ass: Such as? Jenny Jacobs: Like why the f**k you lead me on and then drop me on my ass? Bad Ass: You knew what this was. Jenny Jacobs: What? Was I some momentary fling? A piece of ass you could break off whenever you needed to bust a nut? Bad Ass: More or less, yeah. Jenny Jacobs: I can’t f**king believe you! You came into my life and turned my whole world upside down! Bad Ass: I also came in you after turning you upside down. Hellena suddenly bursts out laughing, but jenny doesn’t seem amused. Jenny Jacobs: You’re a pig! Bad Ass: And you’re a bitch. Now do your damn job before I decide I’m tired of looking at your blown out ass. Jenny Jacobs: f**k it. Jenny pulls up an ottoman and sits on it, retrieving a tape recorder from her pocket which she then sets to record their conversation. Fetching some cards from her pocket, she begins to read from one. Jenny Jacobs: First thing’s first. How’s your marriage going? Bad Ass: f**k! Is that all you people have to talk about? Look, it’s like this. What happened a few weeks ago was a complete travesty of what was actually meant to happen. El f**k-O should be the one tied up with that beast what walks like a man, not me. But what’s happened has happened. Needless to say, I have a way out of the situation. I don’t sleep with it, hell, I don’t let it anywhere near me. We stay in separate rooms, separate houses, so on and so on. There’s nothing there between us, as a matter of fact, what time I actually spent trying to tell it to f**k off, it just kept whining about it’s love for EP. I don’t understand why it loves him so damn much, but it does. Jenny Jacobs: Care to explain your appearance on Assault, the attack on Brian Kirkland and the sub sequential game show that followed, in which you won and were supposed to be on vacation with Alanso Fyne at this very moment? Bad Ass: Why was I on Assault? Well, outside of business, I go where I damn well please. Truth is, word got around that Captain Kirk was running his mouth about this and that, and well, I’m not one to separate fact from fiction, so Hellena and I rolled our happy asses on over to Assault to take care of some business. Some say it was all a ploy by Maynard O’Toole to do some damage to his long standing nemesis, but I for one, never pass up the chance to kick an ass. Hellena seemed to enjoy it too. Hellena: Yeah! I heard he called me ugly! Stupid prick. Look at his ridiculously dyed blonde hair and that shitty grin on his face. He looks like a pile of shit that ate a plate of shit and then shit out that shit with a mess of the diarrhea. Like God single handedly took a branch off the fugly tree and beat him f**king stupid with it. Jenny Jacobs: Okay… Well, Matt, tell me where you and El Pablo stand at the moment. Bad Ass: Personally, I felt we were through with all the fun and games after the wedding. You know, I won some, he won…well…he won at the wedding. But no, apparently Warzone’s GM, Derek Damage likes to suck the ol’ XTC cock from time to time and thus they get pretty much any damn thing they want. For example, I originally had intended to fire Ed immediately, on the spot. But the minute I get backstage, after that travesty of marital vows, the old coot approaches me and tells me it would be best for the business if we gave Ed one last hurrah for the fans. And what’s worse, he added Pablo to the match because the jumping bean wanted in. Not that I’m complaining mind you. I’ve kicked his British ass several times before, and I’ll do it again. It just proves me theory that DD “goes the distance” to make those chumps in XTC happy. Jenny Jacobs: I’m not sure if that’s exactly true. Bad ass: Oh no? Explain this. Matt holds his hand out, waiting while Hellena retrieves something from her gothed out purse. She hands Matt a picture which he in turn hands to Jenny Jacobs. ![]() Jenny grimaces as she looks the photo over. She quickly hands the pic back to Matt, who crumbles it up and then tosses it behind him on the floor. Jenny Jacobs: Um… I’m not sure of what t say about that. I’m not sure where you got that… Bad Ass: Doesn’t matter where we got it. Facts are facts. Jenny Jacobs: What are your thoughts on your tag team partner, Alan Fiscus and his momentary absence from the promotion? Bad Ass: What? The guy needs a break. He never said he was completely one hundred percent mentally, or physically after his hell in a cell match. I’m a little peeved that he wanted to just toss his titles aside to just anybody, though. Jenny Jacobs: I thought you didn’t care for titles? Bad Ass: I don’t. Do you see them on me presently? No you don’t. But it doesn’t change the fact that they belong to Alan, and I’ll do my damndest to hold onto the damn things until he returns to rightfully take back what belongs to him. That’s respect, pure and simple. Jenny Jacobs: What are your thoughts on Leo Crow as your partner this week? Bad Ass: He’s Anarchy Rising. Dick Dabber, felt I needed a partner so he just reached in the Anarchy Rising hat and drew a name out. If Crow’s got his own intentions for this match, they’re not known by me. I don’t really talk to the guy. I would have gladly took this match by myself, but who am I to deny somebody else the opportunity to inflict pain on somebody else? Jenny Jacobs: And finally, your thoughts on ending the career of your cousin, Ed? Bad Ass: It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Hellena: He’s got it coming, really. Bad Ass: You reap what you sew. Hellena: If he wants to play the retard one last time, so be it. Jenny Jacobs: I’m sorry? Hellena: It’s like this. When the fight first broke out between Matt and Ed, where was XTC? When Matt put Ed in the hospital and then nearly dropped me out a fourth story window, where was XTC? In every match that Matt beat the hell out of Ed, where was XTC? When Matt beat Ed for the contract that legally bound Ed to obey him, where was XTC? No where to be found, that’s where. They were too wrapped up in their own shenanigans and comedic hijynx to look out for their fellow friends. So Ed suffered a world of hurt, abuse, and embarrassment. And it wasn’t until Matt started his war with Pablo, that they suddenly stood up, looked around, and said “Hey, where did our buddies go?” And in the end, Ed chose to go back to those ass clowns? Chose that bunch of Judases over his own flesh and blood? Ed made his choice, and now he has to deal with the consequences. Bad Ass: She’s completely right. Ed would rather suffer while he strives to make friends, than come to his senses and see the world as it is. So I’m going to destroy him this week. Make him know what it feels like to suffer one last time, and then send him out the door with my foot up his ass and a frown on his face. And he’ll have nobody to blame but himself. I believe we’re done here. Jenny stopped the tape recorder and placed it back in her bag with her question cards. There wasn’t much left to be said now. Jenny Jacobs: So there’s no chance you and I could… Bad Ass: I’m afraid not. We’ve done that dance before. I’ve moved on to better things. Jenny stared, almost hurt and her eyes questioningly. Suddenly, Hellena hopped off the couch and plopped down onto Matt’s lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and planting a full on kiss on his mouth. Jenny cleared her throat and made as though to leave. Hellena suddenly grabbed her by the sleeve on her arm and stopped Jenny in her tracks. Hellena looked her over and then at Matt. Hellena: Come on. Can’t we have some fun with her just this once? Matt looked Jenny over once and then grinned. Bad Ass: I don’t see what one roll in the hay could hurt. Jenny began to protest. Jenny Jacobs: I don’t think… Matt cut her off. Bad Ass: Shut up. Clothes off. Now. Jenny stood frozen to the spot. But Hellena was quick to her feet, pulling the jacket off of Jenny and unbuttoning her shirt, so that Jenny stood before them in her bra and khaki pants. Hellena hugged Jenny from behind and then nibbled at her neck while glancing sexily at Matt. Matt grinned and then grabbed both women by the hand, leading them upstairs, with no struggle from jenny who seemed pleased to be back in his bed again. Moments later, Bertha came rolling down the stairs, hitting the still-open front door. She lied on her back like a turtle, struggling to get up as she screamed. Bertha: This is a house of sin! Sin!!! The scene fades to black. Edited by "Bad Ass" Matt Covey, Oct 8 2008, 02:14 PM.
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