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| XTC News Presents: The Final Curtain; EP Ed RP | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 8 2008, 10:10 PM (183 Views) | |
| El Pablo | Oct 8 2008, 10:10 PM Post #1 |
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VIVA LA RAINBOWLUTION!!!
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Your television broadcast is interrupted as a black silhouette appears on the screen. Bold green letters suddenly leap out with an astounding 3-D effect reading “He’s Back!” The scene on the screen changes to a set of some sort, hidden in shadows as the 3-D logo “CZW News” flashes in bright letters. The set suddenly lights up, and sitting behind the news desk in their respective places, are El Pablo and Special Ed Covey! ![]() El Pablo: Good evening folks! I’m El Pablo once again sitting alongside one half of the original CZW news broadcast team, my good friend, Special Ed Covey! Special Ed: Nachos! El Pablo: Nachos indeed, my friend! I don’t know if it’s just me, but the world suddenly feels right. Like things have taken a turn for the better. Ed. Special Ed: Our cover story tonight is a recap of recent events following the Extreme Intervention pay per view. ![]() Special Ed: What seemed to be a tragic few months of bad luck and a string of key losses. El Pablo appeared set to marry his one time stalker, Jenna Cyde in a forced wedding as a result of Matt Covey’s interference in their ladder match months prior. But to the shock and excitement of the fans in attendance, Pablo was saved at the last minute by a mysterious stranger who also stood present at the wedding by force. ![]() Special Ed: As a result of this mysterious man’s interference. It was not El Pablo who was married to the…the… Ed whispers to Pablo. Pablo just shrugs. Special Ed: Okay, we still aren’t sure as to what Jena Cyde is. But the point is, Matt Covey was the one to end up married to Jenna instead, much to the delight of everyone in attendance. They are now dubbed the Beauty and the Beast. ![]() Pablo whispers to Ed. Special Ed: I’m sorry. The Bitch and the Beast. Though none of us here are quite sure as to which is which. Pablo. El Pablo: Thank you Ed for that in depth review of my most recently overcome nightmares and unnecessary pics of her on the news screen. I’m sure our audience is in the middle of hurl fest at the moment. Special Ed: Anything for you, buddy! El Pablo: In a depressing turn of events. My mysterious savior and friend, Special Ed has been forced by contractual obligation to hang up his boots after this week’s match up which you can catch exclusively on CZW’s premier program, Warzone. ![]() El Pablo: Do to the clause in his contract stipulating that Ed had to, in fact, obey his cousin’s every command, Ed has been released from his contract following our much hyped tag match this week. Ed brazenly defied his orders to see my nightmare wedding through, unselfishly sacrificing his career to see me happy. And for that, I thank you. But I feel I am not the only one at this moment who thinks this situation totally sucks the brass of a door knob. Though be it the wedding was a victory for myself, XTC, and Pablo-ites around the world, we still feel like we lost along the way. But never the less, we valiantly struggle on in the good fight to see our opponent’s humbled this week. And on a positive note, Ed will always be a brother of XTC, a member at heart, and a permanent fixture from here on out, here at CZW news! Pablo turns and pats Ed on the back who solemnly smiles and nods. Pablo turns back to the camera. El Pablo: In further news. Several reporters have tried to get a handle on the current deteriorating situation of the thorn in Warzone’s side, Anarchy Rising. One half of the Global Tag Team champs and “One Man Whack Job” Alan Fiscus, recently announced his hiatus from the company, listing fatigue and personal problems as his reasons for bowing out like the little girl that he is. Apparently, the old man has enough gas to start the car to his career, but not enough to see it home. Some say this paints a pretty big target on his partner, Matt Covey’s back. And I say… Hell yeah it does! Gimme back my titles, bitch! Pablo composes himself after the outburst and continues to report. El Pablo: As for Lion Blackbird… Special Ed: Leo Crow. El Pablo: Right Leo… Wait. What? You’re always the one who gets his name wrong! Special Ed: Who’s name? El Pablo: Lion Blackbird! Special Ed: Leo Crow. Pablo slaps his forehead with the palm of his hand, realizing he just walked into that one. Ed smiles giddily like a child. El Pablo: *Achem* Leo Crow… Could not be reached for a comment on the situation as nobody can figure out exactly which restaurant dumpster it is he’s feeding from this week. I’m guessing a McDonald’s. Special Ed: Could be. He does tend to smell like thrown up burger chunks and stale fries. El Pablo: Or possibly the dumpster of some old book store. I mean, half his interviews sound like he plagiarized a book of poetry. Special Ed: I know I can’t figure out anything he says. He makes my head hurt. El Pablo: Sesame Street makes your head hurt. Special Ed: That’s cuz I don’t understand the count. Does he suck the blood of numbers? Or maybe the hand up his butt? And then there’s Oscar the Grouch. The guy lives in a trashcan. El Pablo: Which brings us full circle, back to Leo Crow. Nice one. Special Ed: Crayons. El Pablo: With Beautiful Agony apparently vying for Matt Stylez allegiance. And Rob Wright mindlessly feuding over the TV title. It appears Anarchy Rising may not be on the same page and that their separate distractions might in fact lead to their downfall coming as quickly as they had risen. Now who plotted this I wonder? Pablo smirks at the camera with one eyebrow cocked as he rubs his chin. El Pablo: Back to you, Ed. Special Ed: In further development is the ongoing speculation into the sordid life of scandalous females in the world of Combat Zone Wrestling. In a word association type game. Pablo here will call of their names, and I will respond with the most popular statement for each as collected through a fan poll recently placed online at CZW.com. El Pablo: Tatum Reagan. Special Ed: Big ta-at’s. Melons. Bowling balls. Puts the Beautiful in Beautiful Agony. El Pablo: Brenda Vixen. Special Ed: Physical. Buff. Queen bitch. El Pablo: Sirena Starr. Special Ed: Sexy. Aggressive. Champion. Twinkle Twinkle. El Pablo: Jenny Jacobs. Special Ed: Used. Abused. Easy to lay. Like Pringles potato chips. “Once you pop, the fun don’t stop.” Pablo snickers and slaps the table at the last one. El Pablo: Hellena. Ed suddenly stands up and throws a stack of empty papers all over the place. He climbs up on the desk and begins gnawing on the desk with his teeth while kicks and flails his legs about, causing Pablo to roll back from the desk in his chair. Ed then begins banging his head viciously against the desk to a rhythm of sorts. Pablo taps him on the shoulder and then Ed comes back to his senses, taking his seat and staring unemotional at the camera. Special Ed: Skank. Whore. Bitch. Benedict Tom Arnold. Gutter slut. Viper. Vixen… El Pablo: Moving on… Special Ed: Trash. Waste of time. Waste of life. Cock tease. Easy snatch. El Pablo: Ed… Special Ed: c**t. Frozen heartless ice queen. Satan’s spawn. Lucifer’s cock attendant. El Pablo: ED!!! Special Ed: Recipient of a five star experience. There. I’m done. El Pablo: Finally! Pablo and Ed share a laugh as EP prepares to report again. El Pablo: Anyhoo.. the voices in my head are currently telling me.. Special Ed: You have them too!? Ed suddenly grabs El Pablo's head, and begins shouting into his ear. Special Ed: Darcy! Crystal! Are you in there!? It's me, Ed! El Pablo shoves Ed off and sits him back down. El Pablo: No Ed, I hear them because I have an earpiece linking me to the production office. YOU hear them because of your various psychological conditions, remember? Special Ed: Affliction. El Pablo: Those too. Anyway, the non-crazy voices in my head are telling me that now would be a good time to address the now former CZW superstar, "The Number One Draft Pick", Mack Beaudin, who as you all know called time on his career last week with an emotional victory over his former friend and stablemate, Hannah Montana. ![]() El Pablo: Now Mack, obviously you and I have never really seen eye-to-eye during our time together here in the CZW, much less so you and my good friend Ed here. In fact, there have been times where you could quite easily say we hated one another. For example, there was the time you and Jesse beat me to a bloody pulp with a couple of steel chairs.. there was the time you knocked me unconscious with a pair of brass knuckles.. there was the time your lovely ladyfriend broke Commissioner Farley's non-interference agreement and cost me a victory against you.. Special Ed: Hey, didn't that event lead to you being the special guest referee for the inaugural Diva's tag match, and lay the foundations for your first meeting with Jena Cyde, the thing you almost married just 2 weeks ago at Extreme Intervention? El Pablo stares at Ed, somewhat confused at the incredibly coherent sentence his partner just expressed, and also a tad miffed at ANOTHER Jena reference. El Pablo: Yes. Yes it was. Again, thanks for that Ed. Special Ed: Pens make my brain sneeze. El Pablo: Awesome. Well hey, since we're on traumatic memories, remember when Mack kidnapped Loki that one time? Special Ed: Loki? El Pablo: Yes, Loki. Special Ed: ... El Pablo: You know.. Loki? Special Ed: ... El Pablo: Your best friend? Special Ed: ... El Pablo: Blonde hair? Dark skin? In certain lights looked somewhat like a coconut? Special Ed: ... El Pablo: Your cousin Matt smashed him with a sledgehammer a few weeks back? Special Ed: ... El Pablo: The XTC News weatherman? Special Ed: OH! Loki! But he's fine.. Look, he's right over there! Ed waves enthusiastically off-screen, as El Pablo turns to look over at the weather section. All that he sees is an empty stool. El Pablo: Erm, Ed.. there's no-one there. Special Ed: Yes there is, on the stool! El Pablo squints, and the camera zooms in on the stool.. revealing a large brazil nut wearing a miniature top hat. El Pablo: Erm, Ed.. Ed turns to face El Pablo, but his expression now looking unusually angry, almost reminiscent of how he looked back when Matt Covey first began antagonising him. Special Ed: What!? El Pablo: Erm.. nothing, nothing! Oh yeah, there he is! Hehe.. Hi Loki! As suddenly as his expression turned to anger, Ed now reverts back to his "professional newsreader" pose, staring blankly ahead over the desk. El Pablo adjusts himself, somewhat nervously, then turns back to the camera. El Pablo: Wow.. So anyway, yes. Mack, we may not have seen eye-to-eye, but I think I speak for everyone when I say I wish you the very best of luck in whatever you decide to do following your retirement from CZW. Special Ed: Wait.. Mack retired? El Pablo: ..Yes. Special Ed: That's a bridge. El Pablo: It's a clucking bridge. Special Ed: PABLO! We're on TV! There are children watching!!! El Pablo: Haha! Sorry Ed. El Pablo grins as Ed shakes his head disapprovingly. After a few moments, the Special one composes himself, and prepares to report on his next story. Special Ed: In wrestling related news outside of the comfort of our CZW. World Wrestling Entertainment superstar, John Cena is currently being sued by a blind man. Said blind man apparently took offense at an autograph signing when Cena looked to him, waved a hand before his face and said “You can’t see me.” To which the blind man replied, “No I can’t, you moron. I’m blind!” El Pablo snickers. El Pablo: You so made that one up! Special Ed: No I didn’t. It’s right here in the papers. See? Ed holds up some blank pages, unaware that the camera can see that they are in fact blank. Ed restacks his papers and looks to them once more. Special Ed: Word is out about the new TNA video game for all major consoles. The game has received a mixed set of reviews. Apparently the controls are bland, the create-a-character system sucks, and the plot for the main story of the game is unrealistic to the standards of professional wrestling. On the other hand, people do seem to like the game play itself, especially struggling to win one of the insanely difficult Ultimate X matches. We here at CZW news would recommend you rent the game first, and if you like it, then go purchase a copy. I myself, feel like I wasted fifty bucks. Sucks to be me. Ed takes the top sheet of his blank pages and moves it to the back of the stack before continuing. Special Ed: With the current collapse of the American economy, businesses everywhere appear to be under pressure as the stocks continue to plummet. One company, seemingly unaffected however, appears to be the CZW. Sitting on top of the world, Derek Damage recently released the numbers for this semester in the company. Both shows appear to be doing exceptionally well, and so I will not bore you with a bunch of numbers I don’t comprehend anyway. But I will share with you the top ten CZW Home Video dvd sales of the year thus far. Taking the top spot is a personal favorite of my own and undoubtedly, EP’s as well, as he’s all over the dvd. 1. Let it Rain: CZW’s bloodiest matches and feuds. 2. CZW’s Divas Gone Wild 3. Hang’em High: CZW ladder match compilation 4. The Rise, Fall, and Rebirth of XTC 5. CZW Presents: May Massacre 6. CZW Presents: Hate Wave 7. Can You Get It Upstarts Vol 2 8. CZW Presents: And Justice For All 9. Can You Get It Upstarts Vol 1 10. Tim Timmons Geos Hordcare And yes folks, the last dvd title is misspelled on purpose. Don’t ask me, I just report the news. El Pablo: Thank you, Ed. Also up in stock recently, CZW brand clothing has reached an all time high. From these sweet ass XTC shirts… Pablo opens his jersey to reveal the green phoenix logo while Ed models a new XTC shirt featuring the likeness of present and past members on it. The back reads “Keeping it AMPed since 2007”. They re-conduct themselves and sit again. El Pablo: To other optional merchandise, such as the new “Take it Off” Tatum Reagan shirt, the soon to be defunct Anarchy Rising shirt with it’s plain and boring Anarchy logo, the exceptionally well styled Beautiful Agony hoodie, and new to the line of products… El Pablo reaches beneath the desk and pulls out a stained pair of underwear with a brown streak running down them, on a stick. Pablo’s free hand is firmly clasped over his face as not to inhale anything that might emanate from the product. El Pablo: Bad Ass’ badly stained pair of draws. This product is authentically stained and what would normally be limited to a small supply, are found more often than you’d think in CZW arenas all across the globe. We’re practically giving these things away… Pablo quickly tosses the underwear and stick into a waste basket. Ed quickly comes from behind the desk with a can of gas and pours it down into the trashcan. Pablo begins to wave his arms rapidly for Ed not to go any further, but Ed lights a match off the stubble on his own face and tosses it into the can, watching through glistening eyes like a true arsonist as the can and underwear burn. Pablo comes flying into the scene with a fire extinguisher which he unleashes on the blaze, extinguishing the flames in a massive white cloud. Ed frowns. Special Ed: Aw… The fire went out. Pablo looks at the camera, grinning sheepishly before turning back to Ed and blasting him with a cloud of the extinguisher’s contents. Pablo laughs hysterically as the broadcast cuts to a commercial break. “Hey ladies. Do you like chicken, but don’t want to eat something from the animal that you’re not quite sure where it comes from? Like, say, a chicken nugget? Are you tired of not having a restaurant to call your own while your man is sitting at Hooters? Well now you do! You can come on down to Cocks! While your man eats, drinks, and watches sports and tits at Hooters, you can feel free to come on by. Eat, drink, and watch American Idle and stare at our studly waiters who wear nothing but pants and a bow tie! Enjoy specially prepared menu items with funny innuendo names, such as our quarter pound chicken sandwich we lovingly dub “The Big Cock”. Or if you’re into grilled chicken, you can try “The Black Cock”. Want a burger? We carry one hundred percent angus black beef on a bun, we like to call “Big n’ Beefy”. Don’t forget our appetizers, like our cheese sticks which we call “Jizzem Sticks” and our hotdogs we simply dub “Weiner in the buns”. Alcoholic beverages are served all day long at our bar, including our restaurant specialty mudslide topped off with whipped cream called “The Bukkake”. So whether your in the mood to eat, drink, or just stare at some fine male package, make your pleasure our pleasure and come on down to Cocks!” (Writers Note: An actual idea for a restaurant I had a few years ago. It would make a killing near college campuses.) After the commercial break, Pablo and Ed are behind their desks once more, Ed looking extremely white as the frost of the extinguisher is covering early his entire body. El Pablo: I’d like to take this time to ask you, Ed. What are your thoughts exactly, going into your last match here in the CZW? Special Ed: Well, for it to be my last match. I’m glad one of my best friends is going to be there right beside me for my final hurrah. Pablo blushes. Special Ed: Yup, Loki is coming to ringside with us. El Pablo slaps the desk with both hands. El Pablo: What about me?!? Special Ed: Oh yeah! Both of my best friends are coming with me. Sweet! El Pablo: That’s more like it! Special Ed: But as for you, Matt… In the past, you hit me, kicked me, humiliated me, beat me unconscious, stolen one…no, make that two women from me now. You’ve bragged about it, made me your slave, hurt my friends, and made life a living hell for me. And yet in every confrontation we’ve ever had, you’ve always come out on top. Well… I promise you this… Ed slides his chair back and stands up, looking angrily into the camera. Special Ed: You can kick me. You can hit me. YOU CAN TAKE A STEEL CHAIR TO MY SKULL! You can have Hellena! You can take Pablo here and rearrange his strikingly handsome features! El Pablo: Hey now… Special Ed: You can do whatever the hell it is you think you have to do to see me off! But I promise you this! YOU WILL NOT WIN THIS MATCH! You might have won the war between us, but I’m the one who’s going to walk away from this thing with my head held high! For the first time in my professional career and the ever so many battles we’ve had in the past, I will emerge victorious! Even if I leave the ring bleeding, broken, and mutilated, I will still leave that ring a winner! And you’ll just have to deal with the fact that the last hurrah you had planned for me didn’t go down the exact you wanted it to! Go ahead, take my job! You take my job and you shove it up that ass of yours that you consider to be so damn bad! But the world has had a taste of Special Ed Covey and that my friend, is a hard taste to wash out of your mouth! They’ve seen me and they want more! So what if I may not wrestle again? I’ll be here on the CZW news! I’ll be backstage with my friends in XTC! YOU MAY KILL ME, BUT YOU’LL NEVER BREAK ME! WE’RE GOING INTO THE MATCH THIS WEEK AS THE MOST DOMINANT FORCE IN WRESTLING TODAY, AND WHEN WE’RE DONE WITH YOU, YOU’RE GOING TO BE LEFT FEELING… Ed’s face is a deep red and the veins in his head are throbbing. He sits back down once more, taking deep breaths before speaking softly… Special Ed: Just a little bit…special. Back to you Pab. Pablo is steady staring at Ed, his eyes wide. El Pablo: Yes. Pablo turns back to the camera. El Pablo: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all there really is to say. Sure, I could add to that little rant by airing my own ill-feeling towards Matt Covey and Leo Crow.. Special Ed: Lion Blackbird. El Pablo: ..but I think you'll agree with me when I say that, under the circumstances, it seems SO much more fitting to let my good buddy Ed have the final say on what will prove to be his last ever match here with CZW. Ed.. I f**king love you man. Special Ed: And I love cat food. El Pablo just laughs. Special Ed: Seriously though, working with you and all the XTC guys has been something else, I've loved every minute of it! El Pablo: Would you say it's been a.. Five Star Experience? Special Ed: Indupitably! El Pablo: Well then, ladies and gentlemen, for the last time.. I'm El Pablo.. Special Ed: And I'm Special Ed Covey.. Peace the f**k out CZW! Ed begins nawing on his papers again, as El Pablo pats him on the back. The XTC News theme begins to play, and the credits begin to roll, before the screen fades to black. Edited by El Pablo, Oct 8 2008, 10:14 PM.
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