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A Man and His Mop; The Custodian is Here
Topic Started: Nov 14 2009, 02:46 PM (76 Views)
Deleted User
Deleted User

A clattering of glasses are heard as we fade in.

??: Damn it to hell, who the hell do I have to bend over and f**k with the courtesy of a reach around to get some service here.

A man sits slouched over the bar with a mop beside him.

??: Damn it, I’m only on my 60 minute break. Where’s the damn bar keep?

The Custodian get’s more and more irate as every second passes.

Custodian: If I don’t get some service NOW, there’s gonna be trouble.

A pale red haired freckle faced skinny male finally walks over to The Custodian and his mop.

Julius: Sorry sir. It’s a busy night. What can I do for you tonight?

Custodian: Busy?!

The Custodian looks around him, an African American male sits at one end of the bar and a handful of perverted old men sit down by the stage as a 40 year old bucktoothed woman dances to Redneck Woman.

Custodian: Busy my ass!! You all have like 5 girls workin tonight…and those f**kers down there haven’t ordered shit in like the last 3 hours.

Julius: Well sir…

Custodian: He got service!

The Custodian points down at the black male.

Julius: Sir…

Custodian: It’s cause he’s black ain’t it?

Julius: SIR, we will not tolerate that in our bar.

Custodian: Tolerate what you f**kin f*g?

Julius: Sir, we will ask you to leave if your behavior does not change.

Custodian: Well SIR…I’m about to get f**kin ultra violent if I don’t get some damned service!

Julius: Fine, fine sir…we don’t want any trouble.

Custodian: Well, you’re gonna get trouble if you don’t take my order!

Julius: Yes, of course sir.

Custodian: Still don’t explain why the black man got service and I’ve been waiting for your pasty white ass for the last 30 minutes!

Julius: Sir, he is a paying Customer.

Custodian: So am I!

Julius: Well sir…

Custodian: Wait!! I know what it is! Because I come in here dressed as a damned janitor, you think I ain’t got no bread!! Is that right!!?

Julius: Well…no…

Custodian: It is ain’t it! What, you think I’m below you just because I ain’t got some fancy ass job…or own my own damned bar!! You think cause I actually have to work for my shit I ain’t got the money to come grab a drink with my friend and ogle at some fine ass titties and ass!! Is that it?! Just cause I ain’t dressed in a lame ass suit and tie…or some damn polo shirt and khakis that I ain’t worth your f**kin time!!?

Julius: No sir, it’s just that…

Custodian: It’s just what? The fact I’m a mother f**kin maintenance man!! You know what you son of a bitch…if it wasn’t for hard workin guys like me…those damn toilets of yours would be over flowin with shit and puke…and god knows what else. And all your damn customers like that black man down there would be slippin and fallin on their asses getting shit stains all over their fancy f**king suits and ties. You know what…f**k this…give me two of your strongest shit you got so I can hurry up and get out of this shit hole.

Julius: Sir, are you sure?!

Custodian blinks.

Custodian: Are you f**kING kidding me!!? Why the f**k would I not be sure? Did I not just tell me get my shit! What, you think it’s too expensive for a lowly ole janitor like me…or is it to stout for me!! Listen here son…I’ve been drinkin beer, whiskey, wine, and moonshine since before your f**kin parents bore the mistake that is you!! Now get ME my f**kING alcohol!!

Julius: Sir, could you please refrain…

Custodian: REFRAIN!!! What fancy Harvard school did you go to and learn that word from!!? Oh, or is it you’re tryin to use really big words in hopes to confuse a poor pitiful Colorado native like me!!? Just get me my damn drinks!

Julius finally nods in defeat.

Julius: Yes sir…right away sir.

Custodian: Finally, you’re speakin my damn language.

As Julius disappears behind the curtain to fill The Custodians order, the Custodian sits down beside his mop.

Custodian: Can you believe this shit Mopster?! All this bull shit someone has to go through just to get a damned drink!! I knew I shoulda brewed my own before I left, but Dixie wouldn’t let me. Said it made the bathroom stink. Shit, I shoulda said f**k you bitch, this is my house. Course, then I probably woulda got the rollin pin again.

Custodian glances down at the stage as Single Ladies begins to play. A 500 lb beat comes waltzin onto the stage and begins to jive and gyrate. Custodian smiles and looks over to his mop…which appears to have been died yellow and has a red bandana wrapped around the handle.

Custodian: Now that’s my kinda woman. She’s got all kinds of folds to f**k. Much better than Dixie, especially since my hair keeps getting caught in her teeth. Talk about the kinda pain to bring tears to a man’s eyes. Try getting your little hairs caught in between an overbite. I guess it can be kinky at times…if you know what I mean Mopster.

The custodian elbow nudges his mop which still remains stationary. Custodian seems agitated at the lack of response.

Custodian: Of course you wouldn’t, you’re a f**kin f*g anyway! Don’t think I haven’t heard what you and Sham wow have been doin in that closet.

Julius returns a few seconds later with two glasses and sets them down in front of The Custodian. The Custodian takes one and sets the other in front of Mopster.

Custodian: Now we’re talkin. Keep’em comin Julius. I’m in the mood to get f**ked up tonight.

Julius: I thought you said you were only on an hour break.

The Custodian shrugs.

Custodian: f**k’em. Tryin to make me work overtime without time and a half. They can all go to hell. Drink up Mopster, it’s gonna be a long night.

The Custodian chugs his first glass as he watches the woman dance on stage.

::::::::::5 hours later::::::::::

A pyramid of empty glasses sits in front of The Custodian.

Custodian: …*hic*…Another round Julie…

Julius: It’s Julius sir…and I think you’ve had enough.

The Custodian grabs Julius by the shirt collar and pulls him close enough to smell his rancid breath.

Custodian: I’ll tell YOU, when I’ve had enough!!

Julius: Of course sir…of course…it’s just that your tab has already broke into the triple digits…

Custodian: …Not an…*hic*… option is money…

The Custodian whips out his wallet and throws down 50Gs onto the table. Julius’ eyes nearly bulge out of his head.

Julius: But…but…how?

Custodian: Bitch!! Haven’t you heard? I’M A MOTHER f**kIN WRASTLER BITCH n***a!!! And if you don’t keep my mother f**kin drinks comin, I’m about to break bad upon your ass and this f**kin bar!!

Julius: Yes sir!! Right away sir!!

Julius hurries away and then comes back carrying two cases of the alcohol The Custodian had been drinkin.

Custodian: Wow, Julius, maybe you’re not such a bad guy after all. Even if you are a stupid f**kin f*g.

Custodian spins around on his bar stool and watches the next lady come out on stage. A brunette with a thin figure, but massive breasts steps out on stage as Love Story begins to play.

Custodian: Hasn’t that bitch heard that silicone is made for toys? Even this f**kin f*g behind me knows that. Hell, he probably has a dildo at home made of silicone. He knows what that shits all about. Speaking of f**kin f*gs Mopster, have you heard who my debut in CZW is against?



Custodian: No, not that Lucas f**ker from the other night. It’s worse.



Custodian: Worse how you say? Shit, it’s some f**kin f*got named Ryan Shane…The Straight Edge Nightmare…ooohhhh…scary. You know all these straight edge f**kers is what’s wrong with society these days.



Custodian: How so? HOW SO?? Look at’em. The only difference between them and those gay ass emo bastards is the fact that they don’t wear women’s clothing. Not yet at least. I don’t drink…I don’t smoke…I’m drug free…and all that other bullshit.



Custodian: What do you mean emo bastards smoke and do drugs?



Custodian: Really…I never knew that. Either way though…that’s not the f**kin point. These assholes wanna go around preaching all their garbage and shit. They think they’re better than everybody else. Well you know what…I drink…I smoke…I’ve been known to smoke the occasional Mary Jane…and if I wanna go play in the mother f**kin snow, I f**kin will. Look at me though, I have a job…I have a wife and 9 ex wives…my children are all grown and out of my f**king hair not eating all my hard earned food and taking up all my free time.



Custodian: That’s a lot of child support? Hell, those f**kin harlots never got a f**kin dime out of me. Nor will they ever. Alimony…ha…f**k that shit…the kids are grown so f**k the bitches and all of them. Nasty ass snot nosed pukes.



Custodian: Mopster, you tryin to piss me off. We’ll go right now if you want a piece of me. Don’t f**kin judge me. You clean shit water all day. You have no room to talk. Anyway…look what you did…you got me off track. Yeah, that’s right Ryan…I’m not some straight edge bitch like you! I tell you how it is…and back my shit up! And you know what else I f**kin do that probably isn’t very straight edge? I go home and f**k my wife on occasion! I haven’t been so much lately…Mopster was kinda gettin jealous of my wife. That, and I’ve been workin triple shifts lately. So I haven’t had much time to f**k my wife lately. Hell, she’s probably got cob webs growin all up in her shit and shit! I f**kin stick my cock in her, it might get bit by a f**kin black widow or somethin…then my shit may shrivel up and rot off…a fate worse than death.



Custodian: What do you mean a Black Widows venom is lethal?



Custodian: That’s what she’s there for. Bitch has a vice grip for a grip. She’s got those f**kin monkey hands. I’m talkin some massive ass shit. All she’d have to do is grab a hold and suck that shit out.



Custodian: ME…sick? I ain’t sick, I’m just callin it as I see it!



Custodian: Yeah, you stupid mother f**ker, take your ass to the bathroom! You keep distractin me anyway Mopster.

Custodian looks over at Mopster, who appears to be off screen.

Custodian: Where was I? Oh yeah…The Straight Edge Nightmare Ryan Shane…my first ever CZW opponent! Talk about an interesting match up! Straight Edge versus…well, whatever the f**k you wanna call me! I don’t give a shit! I’ll still whip your f**kin ass! Now, all these straight edge bastards like Ryan wanna go and tattoo shit like Drug Free on their knuckles…or put big ass f**kin Pepsi emblems on their body and shit. Talk about product placement! And then they all do this…this…X…shape with their arms! What the hell is that all about!! X to me has always meant stay away…or poison…or…don’t hurt me…I’m a wimpy little pansy bitch!! Seriously…what the shit is all that shit about!!?

Custodian starts throwing his arms up in mock X’s

Custodian: Fear me!! I’m a straight edge bitch!! Ooh, scary!! DAMN IT, I SAID FEAR ME!! I’M STRAIGHT EDGE!!!

The Custodian keeps doing mock X’s. After a few moments, he finally stops.

Custodian: Eww…I feel so dirty after all that! I feel like I just walked into a church and took a piss in their holy water.

The Custodian chuckles a little bit.

Custodian: Well, I must admit…I did that once or twice. Alright…maybe 30 times. So sue me! I was f**kin drunk and the Frat was hazing me! What the hell would you other stupid college boys do? Don’t f**kin judge me!! Alright…alright…the first 5 times was because of that…the other 25...well…I had been drinkin…and I did try these little blue pills someone told me was a new kind of skittles they were trying to sell. It didn’t taste like a skittle, but I didn’t f**kin care! In the after thought…it wasn’t skittles…but I’ll leave it at that! Kids might be watchin this shit!

The Custodian sits back down.

Custodian: So Ryan…we’re both new here…so obviously we don’t know anyone…or at least I don’t. I only know one man…and that’s the only man that matters. He’s the f**ker who signs my paychecks every month…and that’s Mr. Jesse Montana. As for you! Who are you anyway Ryan? I don’t know you…and you sure as hell don’t f**kin know me…and if you do…you had best be pullin your surveillance shit out of my f**kin house before I press charges.

Now crumb cake…the one thing I do know about you is that you are my first opponent…a double debut match even…not real f**kin sure what that means! I’m not debuting or anything like that…I’ve been with the CZW since the beginning…but I’m that guy you never pay attention to in the back! I’m that f**kin janitor that you assholes leave messes for! You’re all big bad wrastlin superstars! Shit, why should you have to clean up after your f**kin self when you got the Custodian there! Gonna break a damn nail or somethin! Afraid you’re gonna get dirt in your perfectly groomed hair! Ain’t like I have shit better to do then clean up your f**kin messes right! f**kin assholes! So yeah, I’m f**kin sick of your shit! So you know what I did?! I went to the Colorado Sports and Recreation board and got me a mother f**kin wrastlin license. It cost me my entire life savings too. I tell you what…40 bucks is hard to save…so I hope all you bastards in the back are happy!

Now you’ve all got one pissed off Custodian after all you bitches! No, I’m not a mother f**ker tryin to stand up for all the little people. I’m just here for my paycheck and then I go home and give every last dime to that bitch Dixie so she can go blow it on facials and manicures…and that damn Milk Man down the road. She doesn’t know that I know what the f**k she’s doin with him…but hey…if he enjoys my sloppy tenths…so be it.


I am not to be taken lightly, just because I'm the good guy…the quiet guy. It doesn't work like that. I have seen dog days come and go, have felt the gutter grind against me, ware me down, chip away at me, and I assure you my fellow comrades, I still stand before you a f**king caged animal hell-bent of surviving another night in the hellhole, so bring all you've f**king got you warranting hopefuls, I'll shove it right back down your throats, and I'll do it all while smiling. You are going to be made an example of Ryan. I will show you why all you little straight edge f**kers piss me the f**k off and why I’m not just that one guy who takes out the trash.

You’re Gonna Pay begins playing in the club as all the ladies come out on stage and start dancing around it. Custodian looks to the stage then back off screen and smiles.

Custodian: Awe, Mopster…you didn’t?



Custodian: You did. Wow, you truly are a pal Mopster. You made a request just for me.

Custodian walks over to the bar and slams two more glasses.

Custodian: WHOO!! I feel like dancing!!

As The Custodian makes his way to the stage the camera pans by Mopster who has just as large a collection of empty glasses as The Custodian did, in front of it. The Custodian runs down to the stage as the Bouncers stop him. Julius walks up behind them and whispers something to one of them.

Custodian: Let me go you damn mother f**kin shit eatin no good asswipe sons of bitches.

Julius is seen slipping behind one of the bodyguards and whispers something in his ear. Immediately they let the Custodian go. He jumps up on the stage and begins dancing around with the women as Julius is seen handing the bouncers wads of cash that Custodian left laying on the bar.

Custodian: What you gonna do brother? What ya gonna do when the Mopster runs wild on you!!?

As he continues dancing around, Julius and the bouncers just smile and leave him be.

Custodian: Now, I think I’m gonna go home and f**k my wife!! Come on Dixie.

Custodian takes the buck toothed woman from earlier by the hand. He trips over a spot in the stage in his drunken state and falls off the stage. Dixie jumps down to check on him and The Custodian just gives a thumbs up.

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