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| Dummies; Sawyer/Kirkland vs Timmons/MTM rp | |
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| Topic Started: Nov 19 2009, 12:19 AM (110 Views) | |
| Eiji Naginata | Nov 19 2009, 12:19 AM Post #1 |
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CZW Rising Star!
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The camera switches on showing a smallish audience sitting at tables in a relatively dark place, a tavern or a restaurant that serves drinks. The camera pans across this audience and past a sign that reads ‘CZW Komedy Klub’ to focus on a stage as an average looking man with a big smile steps out from behind the curtain to a microphone. Man, excitedly: “All right, folks, intermission is over at the club tonight and wait until you see our next act! These guys are getting pretty well known for their routines but are appearing onstage together for the VERY FIRST TIME! May I present to you ‘The Raper’ Brian Kirkland and Godzilla Sawyer!” They come onstage from different directions. Kirkland is shown in a fairly nice three-piece light blue suit with an overly large white bow tie: The colors match the paint the he is wearing on his face as he does when wrestling. Sawyer is a bit more dramatic, with a green jacket and tie and white shirt but he has no pants on, instead just wearing his normal trunks, knee pads, and wrestling boots. He also has his sunglasses on that he wears to the ring. Both of them are wearing their respective championship belts, and both of them carry a briefcase much like those used in the Money In The Bank matches. Kirkland leans over to his microphone. Kirkland: “By the way, that’s ‘Reaper’.” (audience chuckles) Sawyer, picking up a large hammer: “Hello, hello, hello, ladies and gentlemen! My name is Sawyer, my colleague is Kirkland and today, we did not come here tonight to make you laugh! We came here to sell you something! And we want ya to pay particular attention, because The Amazing Master Tool Corporation, a subsidiary of Fly By Night Industries has entrusted who? --us! -- to show you! -- the handiest and the dandiest kitchen tool you've ever seen, and don't ya wanna know how it works?” As Sawyer is making this impassioned speech, Kirkland tries several times to get his attention. Finally, Sawyer looks at him. Sawyer: “What?” Kirkland: “We’re not doing that bit. You’re ripping off of Gallagher. You’re stealing material.” Sawyer: “Who’s on first?” Kirkland, shaking his head: “Nope.” Sawyer thinks about this for a moment and whispers heartbrokenly: “Oh no. My worst nightmare is coming true. I’m becoming another Carlos Mencia! So what are we doing?” Kirkland, facing the audience (and camera): “Today, ladies and gentlemen, we are here for an interview of unprecedented importance. On the next CZW Overdrive my partner and I will face The Hardcore Icon and The Mountain Man, both proud members of Next Generation, and tonight we will be interviewing both men! Yes, both men! I know the risks we are taking, but this is what we are willing to do for you, our CZW fans!” At this point Sawyer and Kirkland bring out two stools, set the briefcases on the stools, and open them. With their backs to the audience and camera, they take something out of the cases and put the cases on the floor. When they turn back towards the audience, they are each holding a ventriloquists dummy. Sawyer’s dummy looks very much like Tim Timmons, has something red dripping down his head, and there is a rope tied on its wrist and connected to Sawyer’s wrist. Kirkland’s is dressed like Josh Newsome and has similar hair,and you can see the dummy’s eyes but not his face for all the large tacks that have been stuck to it! The two men sit on the stools and sit the dummies on their legs. Kirkland: “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Timmy and Joshua!” Sawyer: “Hey, Timmy! Say hello to the nice audience that came all this way to see you tonight.” (Sawyer’s ventriloquism is not very good as he moves his lips quite a bit. He turns his head to make it less obvious. The voice captures Tim Timmons’ style of speaking rather well, though.) Timmy: “I’m gonna take that TV title!’ Sawyer: “I’m sure everyone knows that, but greet our guests.” Timmy, looking at Sawyer: “I’m taking that belt away from your fat waist!” Sawyer: “Yes, you said that already. Now…” Timmy: “You can’t beat me! You can’t beat Canada’s Finest!” Sawyer: “You keep saying that. You have a habit of repeating yourself, don’t you? And didn’t you recently stop using the ‘Canada’s Finest’ nickname?” The Timmy dummy opens its mouth to speak, and then its eyebrows raise and it looks at the audience. Timmy: “Um…maybe.” Sawyer: “And can’t you say anything else but how you will take my Television Championship?” Timmy: “Of course I can. (with bad Russian accent) You will lose. I must break you. I win for me. (shouts)FOR ME!!!” Sawyer: “Wait, that sounded like…” Timmy: “If you’ve got an ass, I’ll kick it!” Sawyer: “Didn’t that come from…” Timmy: “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” Sawyer, acting surprised: “Now I know you are stealing lines from movies.” Timmy: “I KILL YOU!” Sawyer: “And from other ventriloquist dummies, I see.” Kirkland: “Your turn, Joshua! Do you have anything to say?” No response. Kirkland: “Anything at all?” ‘Joshua’ shakes his head no. Kirkland: “Now, don’t be antisocial...” Joshua (you can see his mouth moving in the spaces between the tacks): “Antisocial? It hurts to move my mouth with ALL THESE DAMN TACKS in my face! Hurts like a porkypine scratching its ass on me!” Kirkland: “And how would you know what that feels like. Oh, a figure of speech. I get it.” Joshua looks at Brian: “Oh, don’t act like you’ve never had a porkypine scratch his ass on ya! Ww all know what that's like!” Kirkland clears his throat with a smirk. “All right, Joshua, recently I took the Ultraviolent Championship from you. How does that feel?” Joshua: “Strangely, it reminds me of a great deal of pain in my face, as if it were driven into a BUNCH OF TACKS! Thanks a lot, pal! It’s kinda like taking the acorn from the squirrel and kicking him in the teeth after just for fun!” Kirkland: “Well, it was an Ultraviolent match. I’ve seen you do some pretty nasty things to your opponents.” Joshua: “Yes, but I was doin’ it to THEM! Big difference.” Kirkland: “That sounds just like a bully!” Joshua: “Yeah, and I’m gonna give you a wedgie as high as the Grand Canyon is deep this week! That’ll feel as good as turning a ‘Possum’ inside out to get to all the tasty, gooey parts!” Kirkland, with a slight look of disgust: “Um...I’ll take your word for that.” Joshua: "Now don't act like you've never..." Kirkland, interrupting: "SAWYER! Your turn!" Sawyer, without missing a beat: “Now, Timmy…” Timmy: “Is it time for me to take that belt now?” Sawyer: “Dang, you are like a broken record! No, actually this question is about the TV title match at ReUnited We Stand. What went wrong, man?” Timmy: “You cheated. The ref cheated. You paid the ref. I had a hair in my eye. You had an unfair advantage. I had H1N1 and wasn’t at my best. My dog died. My Aunt died. My Aunt’s dog died. My Uncle’s, too.” Sawyer waits for a moment after Timmy stops: “Are those all of your excuses? You sure?” Timmy, eyes looking up as if he’s thinking: “Ummmm…it was a vast right-wing conspiracy that goes all the way to the top!” Sawyer: “OH, come on!” Timmy: “Well? How else could you defeat (echo effect) THE TIMMY?” Sawyer: “By utilizing the rules of the match in an intelligent, clever way and making you wrestle my match instead of me wrestling yours. It’s called planning.” Timmy, mouth dropping open and eyes opening wide: “I didn’t understand a single word you just said.” Brian jumps in at this point. Kirkland: “Ok, Joshua...” Joshua: “Did you know how Smokey the Bear began his career? He started a forest fire in Southern Oregon years ago by using a lighter he found to light his own farts? He ain’t never been the same since.” Kirkland: “No...I’ve never heard that.” Joshua: “Oh, I’m sure there are a lot of those things you don’t know about the critters of the forest. Bambi’s father was sure surprised to find that she was a cross dresser.” Kirkland: “Oh, come on now...” Joshua: “What, you think Bambi is a boy’s name? And Woodsy Owl’s career ended when he was caught with a whore singing ‘Give a hoot about prostitutes!’” Kirkland: “JOSH!” Joshua: “You know how Woody Woodpecker REALLLLY got his name?” Kirkland: “No, not really. What I’d like to know about is what you plan to do to prepare for the tag team match at the next Overdrive.” Joshua: “Hmm...what will I do to prepare...(looks around)...because he always has a hard-on!” Kirkland: “Oh...” Joshua: “Why do you think he always wanted to find holes in trees?” Kirkland: “Just stop it!” Joshua: “You never, EVER, want him to give you ‘the bird’.” Kirkland: “JOSHUA!” Joshua: “Heh heh heh heh!” Brian exaggeratedly looks at Sawyer, who takes over. Sawyer: “Timmy!” Timmy: “I’m gonna…” Sawyer and Timmy (done with an echo effect from the microphone): “…take that TV title!” Sawyer: “Heh, heh. So, as of ReUnited We Stand, Next Generation holds no gold in CZW.” Timmy: “That is accurate, but I am personally working on that.” Sawyer: “Oh, Rob Wright going to cash in his Money In The Bank case?” Timmy: “No…” Sawyer: “Joshua getting his Ultraviolent Championship back?” Timmy: “No…” Sawyer, thinking: “Caleb’s going for the Intercontinental! I didn’t know that!” Timmy, looking at Sawyer: “You realize you are just increasing the amount of pain you will feel when I finally get to kick your ass, don’t you?” Sawyer begins to laugh for a moment and can’t continue. Sawyer: “What do you plan to do?” Timmy: “This…” Sawyer raises Timmy’s right hand, which is flipping the middle finger. Timmy: “…and this.” Sawyer uses Timmy’s open left hand, making it look like Timmy slaps Sawyer. Sawyer, straight faced: “You are one sad, strange little man.” Timmy: “Now who’s stealing lines, huh?” Both men stand up as the audience applauds, and they return the dummies back to their cases before turning back to the camera. Sawyer: “Tim Timmons, there are a lot of similarities between you and me, but there are some huge differences. One of the biggest is that you tell everyone what you are going to do, bragging and bragging and promising what will happen...and then you are left to make excuses or revise history to explain why. Me? I don’t promise anything, but more often than not, my arm is raised in victory. I don’t know what stories you will come up with about our match at ReUnited We Stand, but I outsmarted you, Tim. I went in with a plan to outmaneuver you and that’s exactly what I did. You didn’t even know what happened until you saw the replay. And yeah, I know you hit me with the belt and blah, blah, blah, but at that point what else could you do? I had already hurt you. Because, Tim, in my sabbatical in Europe, one thing I figured out is the best way to hurt you. It isn’t beating you silly. It isn’t to try to beat you at your own game. Hell, if I really beat the crap out of you, you would have won either way because you drove me to it. No, the best way to hurt you was to embarrass you in front of one of CZW’s largest live audiences EVER! I’m still the Monster from Michigan, but I realized that my biggest strength isn’t my muscles and never will be. Its my brain, my skill, and my odd way of looking at a match. I won’t ever say you can’t win a match against me, Mr. Timmons. You’ve already proven you can. But you won’t ever get the better of me again. No matter what else is going on, I’m gonna frustrate the living hell out of you as long as we continue this little war. For a while there, you were in my nightmares. Now its time for me to invade yours. And remember...you brought this on yourself!” Kirkland: “Mountain Man, I can't wait to face you for my title again! I epitomize ultraviolent! I live it, breath it, even had sex with it a few times...you have to take the pain with the pleasure. Josh, I know you want this back and my one goal right now is to keep this from you, Shrapnel, and whoever else comes along to try me. If you want more pain...maybe I can tack some more on there for ya! Roses are blood red, violence is blue, ultraviolence is coming and there is nothing you can do. And if you and Tim can't understand what we are saying..." Kirkland and Sawyer in unison: "...then you are both just dummies." END |
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