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| ED-ETV Season 2, Episode 2!; 'Reunited We Review'! | |
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| Topic Started: Nov 19 2009, 05:10 PM (177 Views) | |
| Eddie_Rowan | Nov 19 2009, 05:10 PM Post #1 |
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The sound of a person whistling cheerily to themselves is heard as the scene slowly fades in from blackness. The image is grainy and the picture is in black and white, revealing what appears to be in a locker-room of some sort. The individual who is whistling is seated on a bench in front of the row of lockers, dressed in baggy pants and a black hoodie with the cowl up over his head. It takes a few minutes, but we recognize this to be CZW Ultraviolent Champion Brian Kirkland, polishing what can only be his coveted title belt. So wrapped up in this task is he, that he fails to see a black-cloaked figure emerge from behind the lockers, creeping up slowly, oh-so slowly behind him. This figure is shrouded from head to toe in a deep black robe. Even more disconcerting is the large scythe that the specter carries, resting over his shoulder, making the apparition appear as the iconic Grim Reaper, himself. Gracefully, the apparition moves up behind Kirkland, and a skeletal hand emerges from the sleeve of the robe, coming to rest on Kirkland’s shoulder. At first, he starts just a bit, the touch unexpected. As his eyes see what rests upon his shoulder, however, he starts even more, and then finally as he gazes up at the robed figure, he lets loose with a loud yelp of surprise, scrambling back and falling off the bench, landing unceremoniously on his rear. His look of shock and fear slowly changes to startled realization as the robed figure shudders with laughter, the scythe and skeletal hand falling to the ground as Eddie Rowan pulls his hood back. Eddie tries to offer an apology through his fit of laughter, but he can’t seem to compose himself, and Kirkland adopts an expression of rage, clambers to his feet, and dives at Eddie, spearing him to the ground, crashing into who or whatever was supporting the camera and sending it tumbling to the ground, the picture cutting out from the impact. You are now watching… ![]() As the intro runs, “Cha!” Said the Kitty’ by Local H plays, this now the new official song of Ed-ETV. The scene opens up in the usual studio, and instead of an elaborate set, we see Eddie Rowan and Mike Monroe sitting in directors chairs. Mike wears jeans and one of his Wicked Jester shirts, and Eddie is attired in a pair of dark cargo pants and a black polo shirt. -Eddie- “Hello there, ladies and germs and welcome to Ed-ETV, season 2, episode 2. Now, longstanding fans may remember a segment that I did way back when I first arrived here, immediately following the first Summer Showdown. It was essentially a review show for the pay-per-view, followed by my picks for the highlights of each individual match. Well, if you enjoyed that, then I have great news for you.” -Mike- “Those of you who did not like it, however, are about to be very disappointed.” -Eddie- “Heh, so true. And so, without further ado, Ed-ETV presents ‘Reunited We Review.” A graphic runs, essentially the same promotional logo for the ‘Reunited We Stand’ show, with the word ‘Review’ crudely scribbled over ‘Stand.’ The image fades and the shot focuses on Eddie, with a graphic next to him, the format similar to any news broadcast. ![]() -Eddie- “First up, we had my ol’ buddy B-Mac taking on a hands-down favorite for the title of ‘CZW’s most pretentious superstar,’ SJ Funk. Essentially, this amounted to B-Ry exposing the Funkster to be the giant sham we’ve all known him to be, and if you think this sounds harsh, it’s only because you’ve never had the privilege of listening to him go on and on about himself like the rest of us in the back have. Bouche.” -Mike- “And/or ka-kow.” -Eddie- “I think I speak for everyone when I say the obvious highlight of the match was Billy Masters missing the closing seconds of the match due to dropping his pen. HOWEVER, we’ve got secret footage showing that this innocent act of picking up his pen may have been a bit more than meets the eye…” The scene transitions again, showing actual footage from the show, specifically the announce booth. Masters: “Hey, I dropped my pen. Let me pick it up...” We then see a shot from beneath the announce table, clearly staged. There are two sets of feet as well as a jumble of wires. Next to the individual who is supposed to be William Masters is a bottle with Maynard O’Toole’s face on it, and in elaborate letters ‘MAYO-NARD’ written above it. Ducking down, Eddie made up in a decent impersonation of William Masters, takes the bottle and squeezes it, eating the contents. -Eddie Masters- “It’s true! There really is nothing better at covering up the taste of Jesse Montana’s ass!” He returns the bottle and sits back up, and the frame returns back to the wide shot of the announce booth. Jessica: “Your winner...The Ripper BRYAN MCNALLY!” Masters: “What? I didn’t even see it! What happened?” We return to the studio, the shot now directed on Mike Monroe, an image next to him. ![]() -Mike- “Next was the Ultraviolent Championship match, contested in a 1,000 Thumbtack Elimination Four-Way. This was a solid match involving some of CZW’s most driven and insane performers, all trying to capture the Ultraviolent Championship and prove they are the second-biggest sadist in the company, right behind Brian Blaze’s hairdresser.” -Eddie- “Snip-snap!” Mike snickers and mouths the words “Sorry, Brian.” -Mike- “There were all sorts of big spots in this match, and several highlights spring to mind as candidates for the best moment of the match, but I personally have to go with the AMAZING play-by-play banter between Mr. Masters and Mr. Daniels right at the end.” The image starts rolling the closing moments of the match, taking over on full-screen. Daniels: “Newsome looking to pull the last competitor in to the ring to finish the job but…what’s in Kirkland’s hand…KIRKLAND BLASTS THE CHAMPION!!” Masters: “Is that a slap-jack!?” Daniels: “You mean like the card game?” Masters: “NO YOU BLOODY PONCE!! I MEAN LIKE THE WEAPON HE JUST CLOUTED MOUNTAIN MAN WITH!!” Once again we return to the studio, the wide shot showing both Mike and Eddie, snickering to themselves. -Eddie- “There’s a bit of an inside joke to go with that, but we can’t really let you all in on it without giving away some trade secrets, so…you’ll just have to trust us when we say that it’s funnier than hell.” The next graphic is shown next to Eddie. ![]() -Eddie- “The next match-up on this monster card was a good ol’ fashioned brawl between God-zirra Sawyer and ‘Super-Sneaky’ Tim Timmons. No, I’m never going to let that go.” Eddie winks slyly to the camera as Mike is heard snickering. -Eddie- “While Special Ed, Loki, and even the one-night return of the original Working Man are all reasons alone to watch this match, to say nothing of the competitive nature of this match, the highlight has to be the end, in what amounts to Tim Timmons LETTING Sawyer win by dropping him onto the fourth turnbuckle. In one instant, Timmons showed the world that the dumb look on his face isn’t just for show!” ROLL TAPE!” The feed from the event begins to play, taking over the screen. Daniels: Sawyer then is kicked in the stomach and Timmons lifts him and SNAKE EYES INTO THE FOURTH TURNBUCKLE! TIMMONS THEN SLAPS THE FOURTH TURN BUCKLE! Masters: NO! GOD PEASE NO! The bell rings and Timmons raises his hands in the air. Sawyer is still down as the referee comes in and Timmons takes the belt as Jessica begins to talk. Jessica: Here is your winner…..AND STILL TELEVISION CHAMPION…..GODZILLA SAWYER! Timmons is irate as he is giving the referee an earful. The referee is trying to get the belt back but Timmons isn’t having any of it. Timmons then looks at the replay and notices that Sawyer touched every turnbuckle he did. Daniels: Timmons lost himself the Television Title! A loud ‘WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAH’ sound is played as the shot focuses close-up on Timmons’ bewildered look for a long moment, before finally cutting back to the studio. This time, the focus is back on Mike, the image for the next match displayed on-screen beside him. ![]() -Mike- “Next was our big match of the night; a ladder match for a huge wad of cash. Now, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to settle on one highlight for this match, because honestly, it was hands down the best match of the evening.” -Eddie- “Most likely the best match CZW has ever seen, really. I mean, if you look up the word ‘amazing’ in the dictionary, it says ‘Watch the ladder match from CZW’s Reunited We Stand.” -Mike- “And really, with the way it ended, we decided that since we all technically ‘won’ together, we should celebrate together, too. And, we were in the city of angels with a huge bag of money…” The scene cuts into a montage of pictures taken of Eddie, Mike, Blaze and Mortius in various settings spending their hard-won cash. Most all of these appear to be photoshopped and/or staged. All four men on-stage at a karaoke bar. Eddie, Mike, and Blaze all singing and Mortius standing with his arms folded, refusing to participate. All four standing around a large glass box where an old lady is trying to catch bills that are being violently circulated inside the cage, just like on those old game shows. All standing around the roulette table as Eddie bets a huge chunk on black. All three of the others laughing at Eddie as the roll comes up 00. Briand Blaze buying the Playboy Mansion. All four men suited up in space-suits preparing to board a space-shuttle. All four seated in a lush study, dressed in fine smoking jackets and sipping tea whilst wearing monocles. Slowly, the scene dissolves and fades back into the studio, once again a wider shot to show both Eddie and Mike. -Eddie- “Man, it’s amazing the fun you can have when you’ve got that kind of cash to throw around.” -Mike- “I know. Best hour of my life.” -Eddie- “Honestly, though, here’s how the rest of that night really went.” We cut to a scene showing four men bandaged up heavily and laying in hospital beds, a chorus of pained moans filling the air. None of them are recognizable at all as the four men from the match, nor are their wailing voices. “I…I can’t breathe!” “My spleeeeeeeen! Oh, god, the PAIN!” “WHY WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING!? YOU’RE SICK!! SICK!!” Abruptly, we return to the studio once more, with both Mike and Eddie wincing as if physically remembering a great deal of pain. -Eddie- “Ouch.” -Mike- “On the upside, I can feel all my toes again.” -Eddie- “Oh, good. Good. Wonder if BB’s still got that erectile dysfunction thing going on.” -Mike- “SHHH! That wasn’t from the match.” -Eddie- “Oh, right…ahem. Anyway, moving on. You know, the rest of the show obviously had the misfortune of following our match, and no real ‘highlight’ can be had that we wouldn’t have already overshadowed. Mayo and Pablo killed eachother by falling off of high stuff, blahblah. I guess if that’s your thing…” Eddie shrugs nonchalantly, trying his best not to grin. -Eddie- “They had a bit of a scuffle. I think EP needed something like 5 stitches. No biggie. Then we had a couple debuts of some new guys. One of the janitors stole a contract from Damage’s office and this other guy showed up…he was like a rugby player or something, I think.” -Mike- “I thought it was football?” -Eddie- “Yeah, maybe. Idunno. He seems pretty posh, if you ask me. Anyway, then there was Derek Damage betraying his own son, most likely because the onset of Alzheimer’s disease caused him to forget that Brian WAS his own son. Taking advantage of this, Montana deviously convinced Damage to join his cause though endless repetition of loud speech.” The scene switches to show the old skeleton used to play Derek Damage in the ‘Keep On Buckin’ video from back in the day. It is seated in a cafeteria in a retirement home, and Eddie, dressed up in similar fashion to Jesse Montana, walks up and sits down next to him. “HELLO, MR. DAMAGE. DO YOU REMEMBER ME? I’M YOUR ADOPTED SON, JESSE MONTANA. YOU CAN TELL I’M ADOPTED BECAUSE I AM RUGGEDLY HANDSOME AND GOOD LOOKS DO NOT RUN IN YOUR FAMILY. REMEMBER HOW YOU AGREED TO HELP ME TAKE OVER CZW BY BETRAYING THE GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE YOU AND HAS A SIMILAR NAME, BUT IS NOT ACTUALLY YOUR SON? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT, MR. DAMAGE?” The scene cuts back to the studio and Mike, who has just taken a drink from his beverage, is trying very hard not to spew it out his nose. -Eddie- “Anyway, Montana is in charge again, and now we all live and work in the shadow of his villainy once more. Whoooo… Oh, and then Fiscus won the world title. Moving on.” Once again the shot focuses in on Eddie, showing him and Maynard on the graphic beside him. -Eddie- “This coming Monday in Sin City is CZW’s return to prime time television, live from the MGM Grand, and I’ll be locking horns with an old associate of mine, the newly crowned Intercontinental Champion, Maynard O’Toole. Now, Mayo and I go way back from our W.D.S. days, and we’ve had no beef since he apologized for braining me with his sledgehammer two or five times. This is the first time we’ve ever faced off one on one, and only the third time we’ve been in the ring as opponents. The other two were multi-man matches which don’t REALLY count…but just for the record, they both ended with him getting pinned.” Eddie suddenly has to fight off a fit of coughing, followed by a sip of water. -Eddie- “Whew, sorry about that. Now, obviously Maynard and I have no ill-will, but you can’t blame the bookers for throwing us against eachother in the co-main event.” -Mike- “I don’t remember them actually BILLING is as a co-main event…” -Eddie- “Oh, well…it is. Anyway, you’ve got the greatest IC champion of all time taking on the greatest X-Division champion of all time.” Mike harshly clears his throat. -Eddie- “Hey, don’t get so defensive buddy, everyone knows who ended my record-setting reign by taking advantage of me when I was in a poor mental state and not seriously focusing on active competition.” -Mike- “…I hate you.” -Eddie- “Aaaaaand so, throwing ‘Rated OGT’ against eachother is definitely a money-making idea.” -Mike- “Rated OGT?” -Eddie- “Yeah, that was our tag-team name.” -Mike- “You only teamed up once.” -Eddie- “But we WON! Plus, it’s a great name. Sure beats Monrowan. We sound like a celebrity couple like Bennifer or Brangelina. Word of advice to all you kids at home: When your tag-team partner asks what you want your team name to be, don’t say ‘eh, doesn’t matter, you pick one!” -Mike- “The kids love it! It could always be worse.” -Eddie- “True. Like the Italian Samoans or the Alaskan Warriors.” -Mike- “Word.” Mike and Eddie high-five. -Eddie- “But I digress. The match at hand is something that I’m looking forward to. O’Toole and I are set to put on a five-star match and just let the best man win, with no harbored ill-feelings or whatnot. What concerns me, however, is this Andrew Clash guy. He showed up and basically declared his man-crush for Mayo, which is a little disturbing. He seems obsessed! He’s like a veritable soccer….er, stalker.” Mike nods in agreement. -Mike- “He’s definitely going to be another one of those rule-breaking types, too, you can tell by his attitude.” -Eddie- “Yeah, I imagine so. Idunno, he seems too posh to be a proper rule-breaker. He’ll probably just…bend them a little.” -Mike- “I like to bend the rules a bit, myself.” -Eddie- “Yeah, but you can’t bend it like Clash.” Mike hangs his head in self-pity. -Mike- “Yeah…you’re right.” -Eddie- “Aw, don’t worry, man. You’ve cemented your legacy in CZW, and this guy is just another midfielder. I mean mid-carder.” -Mike- “Thanks, man. Well, hopefully this newb keeps his distance and respects your match-up this week. If not, we’ll be there to throw up a yellow card on his ass.” -Eddie- “Bouche, my friend.” Eddie and Mike shake hands and then dramatically turn to the camera with stupid-goofy look son their faces, each holding up their other hand in a thumbs-up gesture. The credits roll with yet more pictures of Eddie, Mike, BB and Mortius celebrating their hard-earned cash. Mike purchases $1,000 worth of lottery tickets. All four individuals buy a bicycle made for four. Mike buys Mortius a prostitute. Mortius buys Mike an Asian male prostitute. Eddie buys Brian Kirkland a new theme song. Finally, the scene fades to nothingness. …. …. -Eddie- “GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAL! ... ... Bouche!” |
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