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Ed-ETV Season 2 Episode 3!; Andrewing the Clash out of Andrew Clash
Topic Started: Dec 3 2009, 09:38 AM (153 Views)
Eddie_Rowan
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BOOSH


We open up with a scene directly from the previous edition of CZW Overdrive, near the conclusion of the match between Eddie Rowan and Maynard O’Toole…

MASTERS: "What, what is this? Who is that coming from behind the curtain?"

DANIELS: "That's.... THAT'S ANDREW CLASH!! We saw him in action earlier tonight, with an impressive debut! We know he and Maynard have had a war of words the last few weeks, ever since Clash's CZW debut in Los Angeles! Clash is slyly and sneakily running down to the ring... he slides in, and licks his chops."

MASTERS: "I'm beginning to like this guy a lot, Jarred! He's seizing the opportunity!"

DANIELS: "Like a vulture! He picks up Maynard.... he's being very verbal to the dazed Intercontinental champ.... he slaps him in the face! Kick to the gut... and THE CLASH! That deadly cutter! Maynard is out for the night, thanks to this new CZW superstar! What a tough guy, he really showed Maynard, right? WRONG!"

MASTERS: "And now he's dragging Eddie, placing him on top of the fallen Maynard! He grabs the ref and shakes him, pointing. The ref sluggishly begins the pinfall count... hurry up dammit!"

DANIELS: "Not this way!"

ONE
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
TWO
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
THREE!!!

* DING DING DING *

DANIELS: "Eddie won this match, but I guarantee it wasn't the way he planned! And look at this, Andrew Clash is attacking the motionless Maynard! Maynard would take this kid's head off in a heartbeat if he wasn't being attacked from behind!"

MASTERS: "I love it, he may very well have already claimed his first career killing! He's stomping away on him... give 'im hell!"

DANIELS: "Eddie is back up, and I think he's just now realizing what happened. He sees Andrew kicking Maynard. He walks over to him... swings him around! Kick to the gut! He drags him by the hair to the middle of the ring... another kick to the gut! He locks him up!"

* FLIP! *

DANIELS: "THE EVENFLOW!!! Andrew is flopping around like a fish, and quickly gets out of dodge. Maynard is up on his knees, with a cold stare at Clash who, although in a lot of pain, is smiling as he notices Maynard looking at him. Eddie looks down at him, and then looks to Maynard... making sure Maynard knows he didn't mean for it to end this way. Maynard shakes his head knowingly and stands up, immediately embracing Eddie out of respect. Maynard looks extremely pissed off, I think Clash has made a very huge mistake!"


Suddenly, the feed’s tracking gets distorted as the video rewinds…

DANIELS: "Eddie is back up, and I think he's just now realizing what happened. He sees Andrew kicking Maynard. He walks over to him... swings him around! Kick to the gut! He drags him by the hair to the middle of the ring... another kick to the gut! He locks him up!"

* FLIP! *

DANIELS: "THE EVENFLOW!!! Andrew is flopping around like a fish…


Again, the video reverses.


* FLIP! *

DANIELS: "THE EVENFLOW!!! Andrew is flopping around like a fish…


And again…

* FLIP! *

DANIELS: "THE EVENFLOW!!! Andrew is flopping around like a fish…


And again, this time zoomed in a bit more.

* FLIP! *

DANIELS: "THE EVENFLOW!!! Andrew is flopping around like a fish…



Once more in slow motion, with the voice of Jarred Daniels slowed down to a comical speed.

* FLIP! *

DANIELS: "THE EVENFLOW!!! Andrew is flopping around like a fish…


Suddenly the shot pulls back and the quiet tone is shattered by the sudden cut-in of sustained, raucous laughter. As the room comes into focus, we see a group of individuals gathered around a television. Eddie Rowan, Maynard O’Toole, Mike Monroe, and Brian Blaze rolling in their seats in fits, with Maynard nearly tearing up from laughing so hard.

-Eddie-
“HAAAAA HA HA HA….wait..wait…one more time, one more time….”


He reverses the feed, and all four men quiet themselves, some biting their lips to keep from bursting out laughing from the anticipation alone…


* FLIP! *

DANIELS: "THE EVENFLOW!!! Andrew is flopping around like a fish…


BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HAHA HAHA HAHA!!

Again, the laughter is deafening. And then, as if paying homage to the great Monty Python, Brian Blaze points to the screen, struggling to speak through belly-rumbling laughter.

-BB-
“It’s…”



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boDAccN5VBI

The scene switches now to show Eddie dressed up in a nice suit and sunglasses, hair slicked back, sitting in a lavishly furnished room with long-time pal Spencer Pierce and Mike Monroe, who are similarly nicely dressed, sitting in adjacent seats. All three seem to be puzzling something over with one-another.

-Mike-
“Oh, I got one… *he clears his throat.* ‘Prepare to CLASH and BURN!”


The others look at eachother for a moment and then shake their heads.

-Eddie-
“No, no, not cheesy enough.”


Mike hangs his head in mock-dejection and all three once more begin to think to themselves. Eddie stands and paces about the office, his hands behind his back.

-Spencer-
“How about…’It’s time to CLASH with a TITAN?”


Eddie ponders a moment as both of the others watch on with hopeful stares.

-Eddie-
“Nah. Plus it sounds almost perverse. I need a GOOD catch phrase! One that simultaneously shows how one dimensional I am, as well as illustrates my extreme lack of creativity! You two are both thinking way too hard about this! I mean, really! All I need is a simple little catch-phrase with which to annoy the general wrestling public! And I need it to be unique! I don’t want my style to clash with ANYONE else!”



-Mike-
“Well, we’ll just have to keep thinking, then.”


-Eddie-
“Yes, you do that!”




From off-screen, a familiar-looking older gentleman dressed in a nice suit steps in.


-Michael Caine-
“Master Clash?”


Eddie turns to the new arrival.

Posted Image

-Eddie-
“Yes, Alfred?”


Posted Image


The scene opens up again to what is essentially a big knock-off of El Pablo’s XTC News room. Eddie sits behind the desk wearing the EP mask that was ‘gifted’ to him earlier by Brian Kirkland, and strategically placed cuts have been made so that the thing is able to fit. He flips a small set of note cards over in his hand as the camera pans a bit and then zooms back in. Eddie speaks in his best impersonation of El Pablo, in a passable attempt.

-Eddie-
“A-ha! Next up, discussing the irony that is Andrew Clash!”


A picture of Clash is displayed on the video screen next to the desk.

Posted Image

-Eddie-
“This fellow Brit has re-“


Suddenly, Mike Monroe steps in dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, as well as wearing a microphone headset over his ears.

-Mike-
“Uuuuuh…Clash is actually NOT British. He’s from California.”


Eddie looks at Mike in disbelief for a moment and then looks at the video wall, scratching a pink, fluffy ear. He speaks again, reverting to his normal voice.

-Eddie-
“Seriously? Huh. He looks pretty British. You don’t think so?”


Mike simply shrugs and walks back off-stage. Eddie clears his throat and taps his cards on the desk, reverting to his British accent in his cheap imitation of EP.

-Eddie-
“Er…anyway, this new blood has made a bit of a splash since arriving here in CZW…a Clash-splash, if you will, seeing as how he just LOVES to tape his name onto everything. He soundly defeated former X-Division champion Senor Kiljoy in his debut, and then, of course, felt the need to brutally attack him post-match. He then singled out Maynard O’Toole later in the eve, but was promptly educated by one Eddie Rowan in the subtle art of ‘getting one's ass kicked.’


The ‘APPLAUSE’ sign lights up, and the ‘crowd’ reacts appropriately.

-Eddie-
“Well, before these two square off on the upcoming edition of Overdrive, I’d like to share with all of you here as well as watching at home, our top 10 list featuring Mr. Clash himself! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

The Top 10 Reasons Andrew Clash’s Name Suits But His Stupid Catch-Phrase Does Not!”


Again, there is a loud clapping and cheering in response to the lit-up ‘applause’ sign.

-Eddie-
“In his own ‘eloquent’ words, Mr. Clash says “My style won’t clash with anyone!” However, I would have to beg to differ on several points! Essentially, what I believe he is TRYING to say, is that he is unique, unparalleled, and unrivaled in his individuality. What he likely doesn’t understand is that his whole ‘smug, cocky, devil-may-care’ attitude as well as his over-inflated sense of self-worth has actually been done to DEATH. And so, the first reason in our ‘Top 10 Reasons Andrew Clash’s Name Suits But His Stupid Catch-Phrase Does Not’ IS…”

“Andrew Clash is the next Chino!”


A picture of recent CZW curtain-jerker Chino is displayed on the video wall.

Posted Image

-Eddie-
“That’s right! Following in the footsteps of other rejects such as Chino, AJ Kool, Jase Johnson, Alex Furiya, and let’s not forget Rave, Andrew Clash has waltzed in under the pretense that he deserves some sort of higher station based on his accomplishments and superiority over OTHER curtain-jerking ham-and-eggers from other po-dunk federations that NOBODY has ever heard of! I compare this to bragging about being a champion in a federation where you are the only one who has full use of all of your extremeties. Well, we’re in the big-time now, ‘playa’ so you’re just going to have to learn the hard way, just like all of the aforementioned quote-unquote “superstars.” Unfortunately, it seems that in each and every one of their cases, that meant them taking a permanent vacation and heading back to the bingo halls and casinos that were more their speed.”


With what may be a wink, Eddie flings the card like a projectile towards the camera.

-Eddie-
“Next on our ‘Top 10 Reasons Andrew Clash’s Name Suits But His Stupid Catch-Phrase Does Not’ list is…dun-dun-duuuuuuuunnn…The Clash, itself! Now, I’m a fan of the phrase ‘if it isn’t broken, then don’t fix it.’ Want to use a tried and true maneuver, go right ahead. But proclaiming to be a stand-out star when even your signature moves are the most over-used in ‘the biz,’ well, that just makes very little sense to this mouse! I'd venture to say that being such a cookie-cutter athlete tends to CLASH STYLES with alot of other indivuduals, mmmhmmm!?”


Eddie tears the card in half and sends both pieces flying.

-Eddie-
“Next up, Andrew Clash has the most generic sounding theme music since Brian Kirkland’s 17th theme-change, which, if you’re counting, was probably about 12 songs ago. Way to set yourself apart from the herd, Clashy!”


Quickly, Eddie folds the card into a spiffy paper airplane and lets it fly offstage.

-Eddie-
“The next item on the list of ‘Top 10 Reasons Andrew Clash’s Name Suits But His Stupid Catch-Phrase Does Not’ is…

Andrew Clash’ speaks only in redundant, profanity-laced tirades that make up about 80-85% of all ‘new’ arrivals ‘promo’ spots. Honestly, is there anyone older than 16 who finds vulgar language that intimidating? As the old saying goes, ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.’ Words will, however, make you look like a complete and utter jackass if you can’t extend your vocabulary past the colorful language you found written on the stall door of the truck-stop restroom. Sure, you THINK you sound tough, but the rest of us all watch your little ‘episodes’ whenever we need a good chortle!”


Taking some time, Eddie folds the card up several different ways before holding it up and displaying a simple origami crane, which he then lets take flight, tossing it in the direction of the camera.

-Eddie-
“NEXT! Like a true wannabe, not to be confused with the Spice Girls song by the same name, Andrew Clash attempted to make a ‘statement’ by jumping one Maynard O'Toole during his match. Now, Andy mah boy, do you REALLY think that you’re making a statement? I assure you, if you are making a statement, that statement is ‘I am just like every other dolt who assumes that sneak attacks will elevate my status,’ yet as Tim Timmons can relate to you, all the sneak attacks in the WORLD won’t help your win-loss record. Seriously, that guy sucker-punches someone pretty much weekly, and tends to follow it up by lying on his back for 3 seconds. For someone who says he’s so far set apart from everyone else out there, you’re really looking like you were spawned from the same mold, chap!”


Eddie crumples up the card and tosses it into the air, knocking it towards the camera with a deft header.

-Eddie-
“Oh, see that? Just like Beckham! Moving on, next on the list…oh, forget it. It’s not like I really need to go any further than this. It’s quite clear what a wanker we’ve got on our hands in Mr. Clash. Let’s wrap it up!”


Eddie tosses the cards into the air. As they flutter down around him, it seems pretty clear that they are all very blank. He ponders to himself for a moment as he slips the squirrel mask off of his head and the stage-lights dim, as if the ‘show’ was over.

-Eddie-
“Well, that segment went well, but I can’t help feeling like there was something I forgot…”


Again, Mike walks through, directing several extras in tearing down the set.

-Mike-
“Nope, it was fine. I think you had everything well covered.”


-Eddie-
“Are you sure? I just feel…”


A look of sudden realization takes him over, and his eyes widen as it finally dawns on him.

-Eddie-
“I forgot to mock KB’s short title reigns!”


Posted Image


The scene opens up with blackness. Suddenly you see a big screen turn on, with normal opening footage of any reel playing. You can tell there are a few rows of chairs in front of the screen, as if this were a cinema. The screen beeps, and the countdown for the film to start begins at 5. As it is counting down, two figures walk into view and sit down in front of the screen. You can only see their silhouettes. One is holding what appears to be a box of popcorn, while the other has a drink in their hands. From their voices, it sounds like Eddie and Brian Blaze. They move toward the front row and pause as the silhouettes of Alan Fiscus and Frank Finch both stop, mid-conversation and stare at them.

-Eddie-
“….well, this is awkward…”


It is only at this point that we realize that the footage has been heavily doctored from the previous promo aired by Alan Fiscus.


Posted Image


The final credits begin to roll, and as they do, the screen splits, with the show credits rolling down the right side, and an empty studio setting with a director’s chair on the left. Emerging from the foreground as if he’d personally set up and then switched on the camera, Eddie moves towards the chair. He is dressed in some baggy cargo pants, a baseball hat, and a popular Major League Soccer jersey.

Posted Image

As he turns and sits, he takes a big swig from a Monster and regards the camera for a moment, his trademark smirk on his face, but his eyes showing hints of his serious side.

-Eddie-
“Well, well, it looks like it once again falls on my shoulders to give some new upstart a proper welcoming. Andrew Clash, I’m going to say this as simple as I can manage so that you will have no problems understanding. The old saying is ‘you reap what you sow.’ From the get-go, you’ve been sowing yourself a whole mound of crap, my friend, and it’s about to all come crashing down onto that over-inflated head of yours. I’ve been here in CZW for about a year and a half. I’ve been a part of this federation from its peak all the way to its near-demise. I’ve seen your type before all too often. Some hot-headed little punk who thinks that they’re entitled to the big-time because of your past so-called ‘accomplishments.’ Well, let me tell you a little secret. Wherever you’ve been before, it doesn’t hold a candle to the competition here. Even with the accountants and lawyers floundering, trying to make the ends meet and keep the organization from going under, even with some of our top talent injured or MIA, this place has survived on pure talent alone. And the one reason, the ONLY reason that was possible is because here, we simply have the best. So, you want to waltz in with your limo and your fancy suits, and your list of accolades, by all means, go ahead. Just remember, it doesn’t mean spit under the banner of ‘CZW.”


He takes a final swig from the can and crunches it a bit, setting it down at his feet, politely covering his mouth to muffle a quick belch.

-Eddie-
“Yeah, I saw your big debut last week. Congratulations. You pulled out a win over a guy who was just recently involved in a huge Ultraviolent Title brawl. You’re good, kid, but you’re not half as good as you think you are, and that’s something you’re going to realize here REAL fast now that you’re playing with the big kids. “


He changes his posture, getting a mocking look on his face and switches his voice to an obvious mockery of Clash.

-Eddie-
“Ooooh, blah blah blah, I was a grand-slam champion in pee-wee league wrestling, yadda yadda yadda. I’ve got a list of titles I’ve had put up on my mommy’s refrigerator at home so she can see it and see what a good boy I am!”


Just as quickly, he drops the act, returning to his usual smirk.

-Eddie-
“Well, guess what, Clash? Know how many belts I’ve had? One. That’s right, just one. But I held that belt longer than anyone here has ever held ANY belt under this great banner. And I didn’t keep it by not ever defending it like the current champion….sorry Brian...”


He winks jokingly.

-Eddie-
“I held it by defying the odds, defying gravity, and defying fear itself for one hundred and seventy-four days. Title defenses that included multi-man matches where I didn’t even have to be pinned to lose the title…matches against my best friends and more than a couple against pretentious newcomers like yourself. I even put ownership of the title up against the WORLD CHAMPION and still left with the belt. I’m still the man that comes to peoples’ minds when they think of the X Division here in CZW, and I will be for years to come. I’ve worked my way up through the ranks to be considered one of this federation’s best, and I EARNED that respect. I didn’t show up with an ego the size of Cleveland and demand people respect me. I took my bumps and bruises, shed my blood, and worked my way to the top the old-fashioned way. And now, you’ll get to find out first-hand just what I’m made of, but I promise you that you’re not going to like what you find. You were warned to keep your bulbous nose out of our match, but NOOOOOOOOOOO. You had to make a statement. What happened after your little ninja-attack was just a sample, chap. And I honestly don’t think you’re ready for the main course. So come on, buddy. I’m BEGGING you to prove me wrong."


Eddie glances down and ponders at his soccer jersey. And then, with a shrug, he pulls it off over his head and tosses it aside, revealing a new Beautiful Agony shirt beneath it.

-Eddie-
“And now to talk about something that won't leave such a sour taste in my mouth. I know we made a couple peoples’ night when we all showed up with the new B.A. army. I’m also sure that a lot of people are scratching their heads over it. I’ll let you in on the scoop. It’s no secret that McNally and I go way back to the W.D.S. Misery loves company, and behind the camera’s eye, the two of us were in plenty of that at the time. But we survived, because that’s what we are. Mikey thought we needed some power in our camp, and so B-Mac was the obvious choice in my mind. Then there’s good ol’ BB. I’ll be honest, I’ve been a fan of his since he first showed up. He reminded me of…well…me. Needless to say, it’s been destined to happen that he and I would team up. We had the ‘Rated E for Entertainment’ skits, but they were short lived thanks to my recurring injuries. As they say, you can’t keep a good dog down. Or in BB’s case, a good horn-dog. Also, being part of the final incarnation of Team B.A, Blaze was a great choice. His partner Mortius…well. Yeah, he’s scary alright. He’s mean, and he’s not the most agreeable person to hang with, but it’s funny. The more you hang around and get to know someone even as stoic and ‘dark’ as he is, the more you kinda get to see how they work. It was just like me and McNally when we first met up. There’s a little…innate connection, we’ll call it. Either way, though we may seem to be the most odd-ball faction ever to grace a CZW ring, I assure you that we’re all very much united. And on that note…Mr. FORMER World Champion…”


Eddie’s eyes narrow just a bit.

-Eddie-
“I understand, just as well as anyone, how emotions can run high and control can be lost. I’ve been one to let that get the better of me and take control over my judgment. But even then, I acknowledged that those actions could have far-reaching consequences. You lost control, Cage, and you let one of our own have it. That won’t win you any friends in our camp, that’s a given, and you’ve got quite a slew of problems headed your way because of it. I’ve got no beef with you personally, but we are a team, and we’ve got eachothers’ backs. Now, I don’t know what your damage is, but it’s looking less and less like you’re wanting to take responsibility for your actions. So, you slipped up. You lost the gold. So what? Get it back. The old saying applies here in CZW more so than anywhere else. Put up, or shut up. You’ve got your work cut out for you against Mort in the steel cage. Worry less about winning and more about surviving.”


He removes his hat, running his fingers through his hair before putting it back on, backwards.

-Eddie-
“EP and Mike, no issues there. Should be a great match, and I’m looking forward to watching this one. You guys will steal the show, I know it. McNally in a first blood match against BK and this new Ryan Shane guy. All three great athletes, all three very willing and able to shed blood. Though I’m not envious of anyone who is B-Mac’s opponent in a match where the object is to make your opponent bleed. He enjoys carnage way too much. And then BB gets his shot at the big one. Good luck, buddy. If anyone knows how tough Fiscus is, it’s me. He and I tore eachother apart in our Three Levels of Pain match. And now he’s got gold to keep safe, so he’ll be doubly vicious. You can do it, though, buddy. Bring the gold home! And this time, defend it once in a while!”


He snickers and gives another joking wink.

-Eddie-
“A big week for all of us, but that’s just how we roll. On behalf of Team B.A. and Ed-ETV, this is Eddie Rowan, signing off. Bouche.”


He lifts his hand up in a peace sign and then reaches to the camera, turning black for a minute, and then showing this video, for no particular reason.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgjWZXnTn9A

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