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An Informative Guide; Johnny Kerosene's RP
Topic Started: Dec 17 2009, 09:50 PM (109 Views)
Johnny Kerosene
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United States Champ
The camera fades in to a pair of children, thirteen at the most, staring daggers into each other's eyes as a dozen or so of their peers form a loose circle around them, preparing for the combat, eagerly chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!" However, it seems the combatants aren't listening, as neither one of them seems to want to make the first strike. Finally after a few more seconds, another kid, this one noticeably larger, breaks out of the crowd into a makeshift ring, grabbing the two fighters each my the head and conking them together.

Large Kid: Ha ha! You guys weren't prepared for me!

The camera pans out from the two initial fighters trying to shake out the cobwebs after the attack as Johnny Kerosene walks into the shot, looking directly at the camera. He emits a nostalgic, wistful sigh.

Kerosene: We've all been there, haven't we? Hi, I'm Johnny Kerosene, proud member of Combat Zone Wrestling, and I'm here to talk to you and your children about a very important, maybe even vital life skill: fighting multiple opponents.

Now, see, one on one combat might seem like the classic standard for fighting, but that wasn't always the case. In fact, cave drawings have been recently unearthed in... France or somewhere?

Johnny turns away from the camera, presumably to someone behind it.

Kerosene: Are you sure? I mean, I didn't even think France had caves. Shouldn't it all be just, like... vineyards, and people being snooty-

The camera jump cuts to the next take.

Kerosene: Cave drawings have been recently unearthed in France, apparently, that show multiple people fighting at once, each for their own gain.

Posted Image

Even in prehistoric times, often several people wished to overthrow the chieftain of their tribe of wandering nomads, and specifically, that tribe's X-Division. In fact, archeologists agree that the letter X was invented to represent these fighters and their... what's the word... resolute badassery. Yeah.

So what does have to do with you and your kids? Why, everything, of course! Ever since the advent of the beautiful artistry that is "the mosh," where anyone can come in at any time, this has become a valuable life skill. So in this case, I'd like to give you all, the dos and don'ts of fighting multiple opponents.


As he states each Do or Don't, text shows up on screen of what he said in the appropriate color.

Kerosene: DO: Watch your ass out there. I mean, seriously, you know? Your eyes can only look in one direction, right? But people are coming from all of 'em. So a lot of the time, you're gonna get hit blind. It ain't pretty and it ain't fun, but that's how it is, so... you gotta be aware of your surroundings.

DON'T: Forget about recovery. There's a reason a Last Man Standing match can go on for over an hour and even pins can be hard to come by. People don't like staying down. So if somebody does go down, right, it's easy to forget about 'em. But you don't, you know? You don't because they can and will get right back up, and if you're getting ready for something big, well... that something may never come.

DO: Stay active, stay focused. A lot of people, way too many people, think the best way to win a fight like this is to stay in back, and let everybody else beat themselves up. They think like this 'cause they assume everybody else in there is stupid. Well, guess what, fools: the world ain't stupid. You aren't, and neither am I. If you wanna get hits in, get in there and get hits in. Stand around with your thumb up your arse enough and people will figure it out, and then they'll all be on you.

DON'T: Intimidate your way to victory. Scaring somebody, talking about people are supposed to be afraid of you might, might work in a one-on-one situation. But you really believe everybody in there is gonna be so scared of you that they'll just run screaming from the ring? Scraps do not work like that, and not really anything else, come to think of it.

DO: Choke a dude right the hell out. While it may be more difficult than a pinfall, a submission victory is just as legal and perfectly valid. If you have it in you, go for it.

DON'T: Choke a dude right the hell out after the match is over seriously what the hell you prick.

The caption shows up as written, taking up nearly the entire screen as Johnny edges closer to the camera, clearly angered as his accent slips.

Kerosene: Seriously, Sean? Seriously? I guess seriously, right? That's what you wanted, right? You knew attacking me after the match would get you those precious few points with... who is it, the Russian judge? Yeah, him. And those points would just turn that pin right round around. Except oh wait. The records still say Ol' Moppy 2 Hotty done pinned you. So I guess it didn't actually do anything.

Johnny coughs for a second, clearing his throat, and the accent returns.

Kerosene: But just this once, I'm gonna be reasonable. See, it ain't just us, in case you haven't noticed. There's two other guys in this fight, and if they're as smart as you should've been, they ain't gonna give a great goddamn about our little difference here. So if you don't focus on me, I won't focus on you. I'm not saying I won't punch you. I'm not saying I won't pin you, 'cause dammit, I will pin you. But I don't have to pin you. And you don't have to pin me.

And if you're the cagey veteran you say you are, you'll remember that.
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