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The Most Real Words Ever Spoken
Topic Started: Oct 1 2010, 01:05 AM (96 Views)
Deleted User
Deleted User

9/30/10: Honolulu Hawaii, Kimo’s official production studio

(The scene opens inside a news studio where I am sitting at the table. I am dressed in a nice blue business suit. I want to look professional for my show as I am the voice of reason in the CZW.)

“CZW nation I want to half a talk with all of you. I want to set the record straight. I am not an evil person. I really am not. If anything I am trying to save this federation. I am trying desperately to rid of this federation of what is fake.”

(The monitor in the back ground shows pictures of El Pablo, Shawn Waters, and Krimzon Blaze.)

“Lately I’ve seemed to have became public enemy number 1 in the CZW. Especially with what I did to Shawn Waters’ grandmother. Now I want everyone to understand something. What I did to her was within the best interest of the company… No within the best interest of society! This goes deeper than this old lady being Water’s grandmother… Allow me to elaborate…”

(I say as I take a sip of water from my glass sitting on the table and take a deep breath.)


“Old people… They are always talking about how wise they are!”

(Suddenly the image of an old man appears on the back ground screen and begins talking.)

“I’ve been around sonny! I’ve seen me some sites! I’ll tell you what!”


“Oh? You’ll tell me what? Is that so old man? You’ve seen some sites in your day? Well isn’t that just spiffy! You think you’ve just gained some wisdom! Oh wow! I guess I bow down in reverence to your magnificent sagacity! Shouldn’t I?!”

(I roll my eyes clearly acting sarcastic before I get a serious look on my face.)

“The only problem is I call bull shit! You’ve spent your life watching TV and working some mediocre pointless fucking job! Maybe occasionally you got laid! And hey maybe you fought in the war! One of them you got to shoot some foreign people! And maybe some poor foreign person shot your buddy and you held him in your arms and he said…”

(The back ground image changes to the image of a dying war veteran with a bullet wound in his chest.)


“Tell my girlfriend I love her!”

(I laugh at the site knowing this is going to send a hell of a message to everyone.)

“Is it sad? Sure! I feel for ya buddy! Really do! Right here!"

(I say patting my chest in a mocking way.)

“But did you gain wisdom from it? No! Sorry! But you didn’t! I know that TV tells you otherwise! I know that society tells you otherwise! But trust me. You didn’t! You are no wiser now than you ever were. What this really boils down to is you in the final chapter of your life trying to act like you lead the life of a philosopher.. Every day spent in contemplation of the world around you! But you and I know that’s not true! You lived the life of a loser! And that’s why you currently reside in an assisted living community and eat TV dinners three square meals a day! And any advice you have to offer will send people down the same ruinous path you took! Remember old fucks! If any of you knew something… Then you’d be something!”

(I say laughing before I continue on with my words of wisdom.)

“The elderly tend to develop one of three different personality types… Either they are the confused eccentric… Or they are the sweetheart… Or the cantankerous old bastard!”

(The back ground turns to a confused old lady sitting in a wheel chair.)


“The confused eccentric is a goldmine of unintentional comedy.”


(The old lady looks a toaster sitting on a kitchen counter confused.)

“What is this!?”

“That’s a toaster grandma!”

“Toaster huh?! Why in my day we used to make toast by sticking bread up our butts and run through grease fires!”

“That’s nice grandma!”

“Those were more innocent times!”

(The back ground changes to a loving old woman with a platter of cookies in her hands.)

“The sweetheart is usually a lady but I suppose it can be a guy too… And she is so sickenly syrupy sweet that you want to kick her down a flight of fucking stairs to put her out of her inner fucking torment! Let’s face it! No human being is meant to be this bland! They’ll call you up all like…”

(The old lady picks up a phone in the background.)

“Oh how is the weather down there? I was reading your news paper and I saw that it rained yesterday!”

(I slap my forehead disgusted before responding.)


“You mean to tell me you are reading my news paper even though you live on the other side of the country?! Just to figure out what the weather is like here?! That is fucking creepy! Why are you stalking my weather!? Why are you living vicariously through my weather you sweet but demented old bat!”

(The old lady picks up the platter of cookies and smiles.)

“Oh I made you some cookies! But I can’t see too good anymore so I ‘m not sure if those are raisins or chocolate chips!”

(I look at the screen and grow a disgusted look on my face.)

“Those are rat turds grandma! You got rats! I think it’s about time we put your old ass down! What do ya say?!”

(Suddenly the image in the background changes to a miserable old man dressed in military style clothing.)

“And then we have the cantankerous old bastard… It is usually a guy but it can be a woman too. This is a person who has grown to just hate everyone and everything which is a perfectly reasonable position in my book! But they may take it a step too far.”

(Suddenly a person dressed exactly like El Pablo sneaks up behind the old man, pantses him and runs off giggling.)

“HEY! YOU GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN YOU FUCKING SQUIRREL! MAN I TELL YOU WHAT BACK IN MY DAY IF SOME FUCKING SQUIRREL TRIED THAT BULLSHIT WE’D PICK THEM UP, TWIST THERE HEADS OFF, RIP THEM OPEN, THROW THE GUTS INTO A MEAT GRINDER, AND THEN COVER THE SAUSAGES IN ARSENAC AND SEND THEM TO JAPAN! That’s how we dealt with squirrels back in them days! And black people!”

(I sigh turning the TV off.)

“And that’s another thing about old people! They are all always racist as fuck! AND THEY VOTE! Usually for republican! The median age for the Fox news viewer is 65! People are always saying don’t let old people drive! They are too dangerous! Fuck it let them drive! It makes driving more interesting! But don’t let them fucking vote! They are just going to vote against everyone else! Because they vote against every social program they can! Meanwhile they are the top beneficiaries of the few social programs that America does have! I’m talking of course about Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, all the fucking horse shit!”

(I say clearly bitter. I take another drink of water before continuing as a giant middle finger forms on the background screen.)

“Well fuck you old people! Socialism is great for you but if anyone else has it, it’s un-American?! So you get to create 2 Americas. One filled with young people who have to pull themselves up by their boot straps. And the other filled with old fucks who live off of our tax dollars! I don’t fucking think so ass holes! What makes you so entitled to these social programs?! Because you’re old? You ‘ve earned your keep over the years? Bull shit! Why? Just because you fucking managed to not get hit by a bus for the last 75 years?! Who fucking cares!?”

(Clearly my anger level is rising by the second as I continue on with this rant.)

“You are the greediest fucking people on the planet! Because our fucking tax dollars go to pay for your special separate socialist America! And when we say HEY WAIT A MINUTE! WE ARE GETTING FUCKED IN THIS DEAL! HOW ABOUT YOU GIVE US SOME OF THOSE SOCIAL PROGRAMS THAT YOU MOTHER FUCKERS SEEM TO LIKE SO MUCH?! What do you always have to say?!”

(The background changes to another old lady with a smile on her face.)

“Oh sorry sonny!”

(I shake my head growing more and more pissed off by the minute.)

“Well fuck you! You can shove your sonny where the sun don’t shine! You mean to tell me we have to give Uncle Sam a huge portion of our fucking pay checks all so he can pay for your stinky old ass and some wars in some foreign country that I couldn’t give a sautéed rat’s ass about?! THAT’S FUCKING MIND BOGGLING!!! All I get out of my tax dollars are some roads and a bureaucratic Berlin wall that separates me from my freedom of fucking choice!”

(I suddenly grab the pitcher of water and throw it across the set frustrated.)


“I FUCKING HATE OLD PEOPLE!!! They’re so uppity! They think just because they have been around for so long they’ve accrued all this great knowledge and wisdom! Bull shit! Your brains have turned to mush through disuse! You lived your lives like morons! And think that you emerged on the other side with some sort of sagacious pedagogue like you are Merlyn himself! Come down from the mountain to tell us young whippersnappers what’s what! Bull shit! You were born a dumb ass! You lived your life like a dumb ass! And you are still a fucking dumb ass! You are just a wrinkly old incontinent dumb ass! SO PARDON THE FUCK OUT OF ME if I decline your unsolicited and I quote… “WISDOM!” You didn’t have some great spontaneous epiphany of knowledge the moment you turned 60! So go sell that snake oil elsewhere!”

(I stand there nodding my head feeling like I covered everything.)

“So see folks? See why I think I did the right thing? Maybe if society thought like I did then this world would be a better place! If it were up to me I would take anyone over the age of 40 and put them on a boat and ship them off into the Pacific Ocean so they can be some other country’s problem! Because I sure as hell don’t want them here! All I did was try to get rid of another old fart trying to steal my hard earned cash! With all that said am I really the bad guy? Remember Waters… I am not a bad person… I am a helpful person…”

(I say with a smile in the camera before an image of Brian Blaze appears on the background I turn around.)

“Ahhh yes Brian Blaze! The modern day Austin Powers himself! This guy is the epitome of everything I hate about wrestling these days! You know what you are Blaze? You are a gimmick! You aren’t real! You are a walking joke! I know this! I seen who you were! You at least looked like a normal human being before! But now you suddenly turned yourself into this walking shag carpet thing…”

(The image on the background suddenly changes to an image of Austin Powers aside Brian Blaze.)

“The comparisons are unreal! All you’d need is to be a British tea sipping pansy ass like El Pablo and you’d be Austin Powers! You fucking can’t even come up with a character for yourself that is remotely original! You call yourself an entertainer?! I call you a sad joke my friend! The hairy body… The perverted porn star attitude… The “mojo” as people like to call it… Pathetic! I can’t believe that you aren’t getting sued over this! Am I literally the only one who even sees this?! But you know what if I am then I’m not surprised. I am the voice of rationality in this federation. I am the most real person around. Blaze let me ask you this. You know what no… This question goes directed to the entire gang of circus acts you hang out with. Do you really think you are fooling anyone? Outside of the ring we all know you are nothing more than a miserable piece of shit who cries every time he gets his pay check due to the fact he knows deep down inside that he is nothing! You are a man of insecurities… You have to live as someone else to be popular. You were probably picked on in school. You probably found yourself stuffed in lockers and had your fare share of wedgies. You were so desperate that you decided to change your image. You wanted to fit in with the cool crowd! You wanted the people to like you! But see Blaze. The difference between me and these poor poor delusional people is that I see through the bullshit! You are nothing more than a fat ass hairy redneck who lives in a trailer in Montana! And when I get you out of the CZW I will be doing everyone a favor! Go back to where you came from and stuff your face with some biscuits and gravy!”

(I say before the background changes to an image of Johnny Kerosene.)

“Oh yes and the other degenerate loser I am facing. Johnny Kerosene. Now first of all you know this guy is fake right off the bat… Kerosene? Really? What kind of name is that? When was the last time you ran into anyone in society with the last name Kerosene?! You don’t see a Dr. Kerosene or a Senator Kerosene… No! It just doesn’t exist! And if it does then it’s usually some poor sap who is too insecure with himself who has to change his name through a legal court system to make himself look cool. But this goes deeper than the fake ass name. This guy is a bonafied metal head! Yeah the resident rock star! Wooo!!! Let me tell you people something! If I had a dime for every single rocker I’ve seen in the wrestling world I’d be a billionaire by now! How many of these fake Nickelback wannabe mother fuckers do we need in the wrestling world?! Do you honestly think Johnny Kerosene has any musical talent? Honestly! Has anyone ever heard him play a guitar? Has anyone ever hear him sing? I am willing to bet my bank account this guy has about as much rock talent as Lil Wayne!”

(Suddenly an image of Lil Wayne shows up next to Kerorsene on the background.)

“Yes I went there! Lil Wayne dished out a rock album. Wanna know why? Because it’s called a publicity stunt! And that is all you are Kerosene! You are nothing more than a publicity stunt! The marketing department took one look at you and thrown this whole persona together in the matter of five minutes! The long hair, the tight pants, and the guitar! You are even worse than Shawn Waters who walks around in shirts that you can find at the Salvation Army! And yet you insist on going with this whole get up! I bet you feel really cool! Like you are a member of Metallica!!! Well you are not! You’ll never be James Hetfield! In matter of fact as long as you are this fake of a human being… You’ll never amount to anything… I am a savior… I am a man who is trying to reveal what is wrong with this world. If you can’t handle what I am saying then you are in denial!”

(The American flag waves in the background on the screen as I finish my words.)

“I care about this company! And this is why I will get rid of the likes of you two on Overdrive! Go back to your trailer… Go back to your little garage band… It’s time to get real! I am your savior of reality... Peace be with you…”

(And with those words said I smile into the camera as the scene fades to black.)

THIS WAS A KIMO PRODUCTION! ANY USE OF THIS FILM WITHOUT KIMO NEWTON’S PERMISSION WILL RESULT IN A REALITY CHECK!
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