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Any Minute Now, My Ship Is Coming In...; Unfortunately, I Appear To Have Mislaid My Ticket...
Topic Started: Oct 12 2010, 12:45 AM (263 Views)
El Pablo
Member Avatar
VIVA LA RAINBOWLUTION!!!

The scene opens inside a room. It is a fairly large room, and the collection of armchairs, couches, bookshelves, coffee tables and televisions suggests that it is the living room of whatever house we happen to be in. The general style of the furniture, coupled with the designer white walls and abundance of exposed wooden roof beams, skirting boards and surfaces, suggests that this house is in fact a traditional country cottage, and one that has had some considerable expense bestowed upon it over the years.

Only one thing appears out of place in this rather homely scene.. the collection of striking, decidedly 21st Century wrestling title belts that line the walls, each displayed in their own individual glass casing.

Well.. that and the current sole occupant of the room, who sits in the most central armchair. His body is wrapped in a black silk dressing gown, lined with thick, bright pink fur that matches the slippers currently covering his feet. On his head, he wears a wrestling mask, styled to resemble that of a mouse, squirrel, or indeed any generic rodent one may be able to conjure up an image of. Despite the fact that 90% of his face and body is therefore concealed, what skin is exposed reveals to us that this man is rather more elderly than someone we are perhaps used to seeing in this sort of attire, possibly aged somewhere between his mid-60s and 70s. A wistful smile is spread across his face, as his eyes glisten with the reflection of the TV screen sat in front of him…

==========

DANIELS: Don't do it champ! It's not worth your career!

MASTERS: Don't do it Pablo! You're not worth Timmons' career!

*SSSSSMMMMMAAAAASSSSSHHHHH!!!!!*

MASTERS: No!

DANIELS: Oh my god! The champ just put his own body on the line to drive Timmons through that glass table! The challenger's body is lacerated everywhere! I can't tell where one cut begins and another ends!


==========


Suddenly, the gentleman’s reminiscing is interrupted by the arrival of 5 young children - 3 boys and 2 girls - bounding across the room and embracing him excitedly. What immediately becomes apparent is that the children’s clothing is remarkably co-ordinated. Two of them - a boy and a girl - are dressed in black beanie hats, black fingerless gloves and black cargo pants. The boy wears a lime green t-shirt with “VX” written on the front, and the girl wears a black “PhoeniXTC” t-shirt. The other two boys wear masks similar to that currently being worn by the old gentleman, along with black and silver-halved shirt and trousers, wrapped in pink and black feather boas, while the girl wears a slim-fitting black leotard with pink patterning, coupled with a similarly-coloured mask of her own. The “VX” boy is carrying a thick book, covered with lush brown leather, which he places carefully on the old gentleman’s lap as they all gather round him.

VX BOY: Tell us again about your wrestling career, grandfather!

LEOTARD GIRL: Yes, please!!!

SQUIRREL BOY 1: Please, grandfather!

The gentleman smiles at his children, before casting his eye down at the book on his lap. Carefully, he opens onto the first page, revealing an aerial photograph of the Blue Cross Arena in Rochester, New York.

==========

*An excited murmur ripples through the crowd as darkness descends over the arena. The opening guitar riff to "Been Training Dogs" by the Cooper Temple Clause begins to play out over the PA as spotlights flicker on and off over various sections of the arena, punctuating the beat of the music. As the full song kicks in, a blast of pyro goes off over the stage, and a young man walks out to warm applause from the crowd. The stranger is dressed in a black beanie, dark sunglasses, a white Leeds United Football Club shirt, an unzipped plain black hooded jacket, black fingerless gloves, baggy cargo trousers and white trainers. Over his shoulder is an unfamiliar title belt, gold on black, with a gold number 5 over a blue 5-pointed star in the centre. In his left hand is a microphone. This unfamiliar character stands at the front of the stage as the music continues playing, surveying his new surroundings with a wry smile on his face. After a few moments, the music fades out, and after a brief pause the young man raises the microphone to his mouth.*

STRANGER: WELCOME TO.. THE FIRST EVER.. EL.. PABLO.. EXPERIENCE!!!


……….

*"Been Training Dogs" by the Cooper Temple Clause plays. The #22 Entrant is El Pablo.*

DANIELS: And our second English signee, EL PABLOOOOO!!!!

MASTERS: This guy is a loser, look at him!

DANIELS: It's time you felt the El Pablo Experience, William!

*Pablo comes out of the shoot and starts beating Swinger down before coming across Andrew and punching him across the face. The ring is very full at this point. Eleven are in the ring as six of them attempt to get Andrew out of the ring.*


……….

*Zodiac and Sawyer start to rumble throwing punches back and forth, as Ian and Ace King start to beat down El Pablo. El Pablo gets out of his predicament and nails Ace King with a eye rake and kicks Ian in the stomach. He then stands Ian up and hits.. THE PABLO SLAM! He picks up Ian and tosses him over the top.*

IAN CHADWICK is eliminated by EL PABLO (ELIMINATION #17)


==========


PHOENIXTC GIRL: Were you any good?

==========

*El Pablo then puts Ian Chadwick on his shoulders and just manages to set him on top of the two tables.*

DANIELS: What is El Pablo going to do now?

HAYWIRE: Your guess is as good as mine.

*El Pablo grabs a beer from the 12 pack and sets up the ladder in the middle of the ring as he climbs the ladder and stops at the very top as he puts the beer in his mouth and spits it into the air. El Pablo then stands up on the top of the ladder and hits the "PABLO SPLASH" right through the two tables!!*

DANIELS: OH MY GOD BOTH MEN MUST BE DEAD!!!

MASTERS: I...I..I don't know what to say!

HAYWIRE: That's a first!

*El Pablo slowly crawls over to Ian Chadwick and puts his arm over his chest as the referee drops to the mat and goes for the count.*

1....2.................3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* DING DING DING *

*The referee calls for the bell as he takes the X Championship from the ring attendant and hands it to El Pablo, who is on his knees.*

TOWERS: Here is your winner and the first ever CZW X Champion....EL PABLO!!!!!!!!!!

(crowd cheers)

*El Pablo looks at the title and kisses it before putting it in the air and then on his shoulder. His face is drenched in blood.*


……….

*Ace King goes to slide under Jamal’s legs but Jamal catches his torso and picks him up from above him. King in shock is then set up for the Samoan Destroyer in the middle of the ring. Regardless of his squirming, he can’t get free. That is until El Pablo comes from the top turnbuckle and hits a missile dropkick to the back of Ace King, sending Jamal to the mat and Ace King with the cover.*

1… 2… 3…

*DING DING DING!!!*

TOWERS: The winners.. and NEW CZW GLOBAL TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS.. THE FIVE STAR GAMBLERS!!!!!

*Jamal is clearly pissed off, he stands with a look of rage in his eyes at what just happened. He goes to swing at Ace King, but King and Pablo duck from the ring and grab the Tag Titles they had just won. Havok and AAN shake their heads in disgust as they watch the new tag champs walk up the ramp. King and Pablo raise their tag titles into the air as Sammy and Jamal look on from the ring.*


……….

DANIELS: But EP rushes in, and cold clocks Matt with a running forearm to the head as he just got up. EP then tosses Matt into a corner, and follows up with a splash. He places Matt on the top turnbuckle and proceeds to join him.

MASTERS: Jesse and Ronnie are laid out on the mat, as Matt tries to fight EP off. EP counters though, and takes back control. He lifts him up on his shoulders... dear God, what is this idiot going to do?

ALAN: It looks to me... like he's paying homage to one of his XTC buddies! That looks like a Blackjack Bomb attempt!

DANIELS: AND IT IS ---

*CRASH!!*

MASTERS: EL PABLO WITH A TOP ROPE BLACKJACK BOMB ON MATT STYLEZ... RIGHT ONTO THAT CHAIR!!!

ALAN: Holy Shit! The cover attempt!!!!

ONE TWO THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DANIELS: WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION! WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!!!!!!!

"Been Training Dogs" begins to blare over the PA.

TOWERS: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH AND _NEW_ CZW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... "THE FIVE STAR SUPERSTAR" EL PABLO!!!!


……….

DANIELS: The winner, and CZW’s SUPERSTAR… OF… THE… YEAR…..

EL PABLO!!!

*The crowd erupt, the cheering louder than it has been all night as Been Training Dogs by The Cooper Temple Clause plays in conjunction to fireworks blasting from the sides of the CombatTron. El Pablo bounces through the curtain as chants of

EL PAB LO! EL PAB LO!

Begin in the arena, after what seems like an age the chants die down and El Pablo, award in hand, steps up to the podium, just looking at his award with a huge smile on his face.*


……….

*Marsham is rolling around and notices that EP is now setting up for a moonsault. Marsham sees EP trying to leap and ducks. EP lands on his feet and quickly catches Marsham with a super kick on the turnaround. EP grabs Marsham and plants him on the canvas with a Gannosuke clutch.*

1... 2... 3...

*The bell rings and El Pablo rolls off of Marsham. The referee hands Pablo the belt who holds it up in the air.*

MASTERS: El Pablo has done it, he's done it, he beat Justin Marsham to end Marsham's reign as the Combat Zone Wrestling International champion.

DANIELS: He did it, I wasn't sure if he would be able to do it when Justin injured his knee, but he did it.

TOWERS: Ladies and gentlemen your winner and NEW CZW Intercontinental champion, El Pablo!!!!!


……….

DAMAGE: You became the first person in CZW history to hold all four original belts on offer at the time of the company’s inception. The X-Title, the Intercontinental Title, the Tag Titles, and the World Heavyweight Championship have all, at one time or another, been wrapped around your waist, and it is because of this feat.. that I, and the board of CZW directors, have decided to crown you…

*Damage steps back towards the stand, as Derek grips the cloth.*

DAMAGE: ..the first ever CZW GRAND SLAM CHAMPION!

*The crowd explodes once more as Derek removes the cloth, revealing a new, specially-crafted belt inside the glass cabinet. Rogers removes the glass casing, and Derek lifts the belt up off the stand. EP gazes at the buckle for a few seconds, absorbing its design and representation. He then grins broadly, marches over to one of the turnbuckles, and climbs up, raising the new belt high above his head under yet another hail of excited cheering from the CZW fans.*


==========


VX BOY: You must have made some amazing friends!

==========

ACE KING: Well.. that was interesting…

EL PABLO: Yeah.. who knew that Adam Swinger would go on to become the spokesman for the Smackdown Hotel?

ACE KING: The Smackdown Hotel? That sounds familiar..

EL PABLO: Really? I thought I just made it up... Oh well. You think we should get out of here now?

ACE KING: I think so.. the, uh, “other thing” must be gone by now, surely?

EL PABLO: If not, we’ve got a lot of running to do! She’s a relentless bitch that one.

*El Pablo and Ace head towards the door. EP takes hold of the handle and pulls. This time though, instead of creaking, the movement of the door triggers the sound of a popular late-90s TV show.*



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GuRZVtMr2c

EL PABLO: Hey look, door sans creak!

*Ace just stares at El Pablo, dumbfounded at the quite frankly awful pun he just made.*

ACE KING: Oh my GOD! Awful, just awful!

*El Pablo holds his arms out in protest, as Ace walks off down the hall, shaking his head in shame.*


……….

*EP suddenly turns and reaches down into his sports bag, pulling out a small, clear plastic bag. Inside are what appear to be several small brown foodstuffs, possibly nuts or salad or pieces of fungi.. or candy. He opens the bag, and chows down on a couple of them, as KB watches on.*

BLAZE: What's that?

PABLO: Magic Mushrooms.

BLAZE: WHAT!? Shrooms!? What the hell!?

PABLO: Well, freaky hallucinations seemed to be a good omen last week..

BLAZE: Dude..

...

..Are they working?

PABLO: Well, right now I can see Adam ver Tising punching himself in his bright red face, with steam coming out of his ears..

*KB looks off-camera, as the screen cuts to El Fuego's Head of Publicity having an episode.*

BLAZE: Yeahhh, that's not a hallucination.

PABLO: Hmm...


……….

CAGE: It must be depressing Tim, having less charisma, originality, and connection with the fans than even Loki has. You’ve been bested by a coconut monkey. There’s no shame in it. Loki knocked out Justin too.

*Suddenly, a gruff, deep voice pipes up from behind Cage.*

UNKNOWN MALE: Ahem.. what do you mean, "even Loki"? I'll have you know I was drawing in 5-star ratings before you were even a nebula in the CZW Universe!

*Cage spins sharply round 180 degrees, to find himself face to face.. with the blond coconut himself, hovering eerily above a long black raincoat. Jenny screams, while Cage just stands there with a look of complete confusion on his face.*

"LOKI": What's the matter Jenny? This can't be the first time you've found yourself face-to-face with a big, hairy nut! Bet it's the first time one's made you scream though, am I right!? Who's got me up top?

*Loki's raincoat suddenly starts moving about, almost as if a small animal had crawled inside and was struggling to break free. After a second or two, a hand wearing a fingerless glove emerges from the sleeve, and raises into the air, as if in anticipation of a high-five. Cage, however, declines the invitation, deciding instead to unzip the mac and pull it open. When he does, it reveals "The Five Star Superstar" El Pablo hunched inside, one arm through the sleeve of the coat, and the other holding onto a coconut shy, obviously supporting Loki and the raincoat itself. EP grins sheepishly as Cage steps back.*

EL PABLO: Sup?


……….

EL PABLO: Leo Crow could not be reached for a comment on the situation as nobody can figure out exactly which restaurant dumpster it is he’s feeding from this week. I’m guessing a McDonald’s.

SPECIAL ED: Could be. He does tend to smell like thrown up burger chunks and stale fries.

EL PABLO: Or possibly the dumpster of some old book store. I mean, half his interviews sound like he plagiarized a book of poetry.

SPECIAL ED: I know I can’t figure out anything he says. He makes my head hurt.

EL PABLO: Sesame Street makes your head hurt.

SPECIAL ED: That’s cuz I don’t understand the count. Does he suck the blood of numbers? Or maybe the hand up his butt? And then there’s Oscar the Grouch. The guy lives in a trashcan.

EL PABLO: Which brings us full circle, back to Leo Crow. Nice one.


……….

SAWYER: Stations, everyone. Pablo, you have the science station, Brian, take the helm, I need Kaneda at weapons, and Kimo on communications.

KIMO (rolling his eyes): Oh no you did not! Tell me it ain’t so! You did not just place the only black man in the cast on communications just like Nichelle Nichols. Are you dissin’ a brotha, Workin’ Man?

SAWYER (taken aback): No, Mr. Newton, there is no racial stereotyping on this voyage. Right, Pablo?

*Pablo stands at his station with a small plate in one hand, a tea cup in the other, and across his board he has an order of fish and chips, a scone, and a British newspaper with an article about Patrick Stewart being knighted by the Queen of England.*

EL PABLO (with an exaggerated Cockney accent): Of course not, Guvnor! Dat wouldn’t be roight!


……….

*Mike takes a seat, as EP steps away from the TV and stands behind Mike, remote in hand. Ace joins EP, and passes him a beverage. Both seem to have unusually large smiles on their faces. Mike turns round.*

MONROE: What, no beer for the new guy?

*Ace just grins silently.*

EL PABLO: NOW, ED!

*Suddenly, "Special" Ed Covey appears from nowhere and handcuffs Mike's wrists and ankles to the chair. Before Mike can even react, he also duct-tapes Mike's head to the back of the chair.*

MONROE: WHAT THE..!?

*Ace is still grinning wildly, and Ed steps back alongside the Gamblers as EP slowly lifts the remote.*

EL PABLO: Showtime.

*EP clicks a button on the remote, and the TV screen - facing away from the camera - flickers into life. Mike's eyes widen in horror as the sound of male grunting and moaning fills the room, soon accompanied by a deep male voice shouting..*

VOICEOVER: WELCOME TO.. CAN YOU GET IT UP-STARTS? VOLUME FOUR.. THE XXX-ILED!!!

*Ed then walks over to Mike and half drops, half throws Loki into Mike's lap.*

SPECIAL ED: Loki wants to sit next to you. This is his favourite movie. He has it on his iPod so he can watch it anytime he wants.

*Mike can only grimace partly at the movie and partly at the pain caused by Loki landing on his sensitive anatomy. As Mike sits there watching the movie, his eyes widen and he fights to try to get out of the chair.*

MONROE: Let me go! Turn this movie off! I'll wear the maid's outfit again! Hell, I'll wear the thong at the same time! But for the love of all that is holy, take the movie out!!

ACE KING: Come on, Mike! Three minutes, that's the requirement! Three minutes, then all the bad stuff goes away!

*Mike starts to move his head as if trying to break the tape. Ace runs over and holds Mike's head still, so he can finish the movie.*

MONROE: For God's sakes, Ace, if Pablo is in the foetal position, what chance do I have?

ACE KING: Shhhhhhhhh. Just a little longer. Ed, give me a countdown.

*Ed looks down at his left wrist, as if there is a watch there. The only thing on his wrist is a half-eaten candy bracelet.*

SPECIAL ED: 5...4...3...7...purple...Q...3...?...3...

ACE KING: Dammit, Ed. I thought you got that taken care of.

SPECIAL ED: Taken care of what?

*Ace just shakes his heads as starts to undo Mike from the chair.*

ACE KING: Just get over here and help me.

*Ace sets to work unsticking Mike's head, while Ed suddenly pulls a hacksaw out from apparently thin air.*

ACE KING: WOAH! Ed! What did the policeman say about you and sharp objects!?

*Ed stares blankly at the saw, as the sound of screaming fills the air, echoed so as to suggest it is coming from Ed's subconscious. After a few seconds, the screaming fades, and Ed turns back to look at Ace.*

SPECIAL ED: Thomas Jefferson?

*Ace facepalms again.*

ACE KING: Pabs.. help me out.

*EP suddenly leaps back to his feet. He pulls a silver dollar out from his pocket, and tosses it past Ed into the showers.*

SPECIAL ED: Ooh! Shiny!

*Ed drops the saw, and runs off in pursuit of the coin. EP assists Ace in the freeing of Mike, who then stands up, massaging his wrists and head. Ace hands him a bottle of water, a sly grin still on his face.*

ACE KING: Something for your eyes?

MONROE: Yeah, a nail gun.


==========


LEOTARD GIRL: I bet there were some girls too, huh?

Cue excited giggling from the children.

==========

EL PABLO: Ladies and Gentlemen.. KRYSTAL STARR!

*Krystal Starr's music hits, and the former Diva steps out onto the stage to a good level of cheering, although nothing like the reception El Pablo received earlier. She waves at the fans, a beaming grin on her face, and runs down the ramp to join El Pablo in the ring.*

EL PABLO: Now Krystal, you know why you're out here tonight, correct?

*El Pablo has a cheeky grin on his face as he asks the question. Krystal smiles as well, although she looks slightly more bashful.*

KRYSTAL: I sure do..

*With that, El Pablo drops the microphone, and he and Krystal suddenly engage in a full-on liplock, causing the crowd to erupt into cheering and hollering.*

DANIELS: Oh my!


……….

*Cristal and EP get up to go dance as KB awaits for his drink to come on by... A few moments later, a lovely waitress comes over with KB's drink as she sits down to occupy him as EP and Cristal continue cutting a rug (EP + Rug = EPRUG!) EP suddenly flashes Cristal a quizzical look, although neither individual breaks their rhythm as an almighty question is posed.*

EL PABLO: Cristal.. would it ever be appropriate.. hypothetically speaking.. for two people to perform some form of.. "naughty hairdressing" ..in the middle of a crowded dancefloor?

*Cristal feigns contemplation for a few seconds.*

CRISTAL: I don't think that's what the phrase "cutting a rug" means...

EL PABLO: No.. that makes sense.


……….

*Backstage, Pablo is seen walking through the back after his match. Suddenly, Mikkel grabs him from behind and lifts him into the air, restraining him from moving. Matt walks out from around the corner with a burlap sack in hand.*

BAD ASS: Told you, I’d come for you. Now put this on. You’re gonna like this.

*Pablo struggles but is ultimately worn out after his match. Matt places the sack of Pablo’s head and then Mikkel hoists him over his shoulder, marching him back towards the XTC locker room. Matt and Mikkel enter the room and sit Pablo in a chair. Matt sits in the chair next to him and removes the burlap sack. To Pablo’s surprise, the room is filled with black lights and fog machines. A sound system is set up in the corner, being DJ’ed by Jigga C. A stripper pole and stage sits before their table, and the table itself is covered with various drinks and snacks.*

JIGGA C: Alright ladies and jerks. I’m going to need a volunteer for the dance pole. Come on now, don’t be shy. Step right up and shake that ass! Miss Regan, if you please?

*A bumping techno tune begins to play as Tatum takes to the stage. She rips her loosely-there top off and throws it on EP’s head, his face bearing a stupor of a grin as she dances around the pole bare-chested. The room is ablaze with hoots, hollers, and whistling.*


……….

*The scene cuts to the AMP XTC locker-room, where the table, chair and lamp have been crudely arranged to resemble an office interior similar to that in Fiscus' room. El Pablo is sat behind the "desk" on the chair, with one of the locker-room benches positioned just the other side of it. El Pablo has also thrown on a black suit jacket, and has a few blank pieces of paper scattered over the "desktop". After a few moments, we hear the door opening, and El Pablo looks up.*

EL PABLO: Ah, Miss Sydney Vicious, what a pleasure!

*New CZW Diva Sydney Vicious walks into shot and approaches the desk, dressed in a low-cut black top and tight black jeans. She places her hands on the desk and leans forward, speaking in a soft, sultry voice.*

VICIOUS: I just wanted to say I think you're gonna do a great job tonight.. I've seen you in action these past few weeks.. and I can tell that you're a man of honour.. virtue.. and the belief in all things fair and true.. I can also tell that you're a man who takes a... hard.. line towards those who don't act in a similar way...

VICIOUS: Although... *sinks to knees and leans right in, almost whispering into El Pablo's ear, one arm draped around his shoulder and the other on his hand, sliding in between his fingers* ..there's nothing wrong with occasionally playing a little... dirty... wouldn't you say, Mr referee?

EL PABLO: Heh.. whatever helps you get your own way, I suppose...

VICIOUS: Oh, I ALWAYS get my way.. you'll find that out soon enough, Mr referee.

*Vicious stands up and pats El Pablo's shoulders again before walking back round to the front of the desk.*

VICIOUS: Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for taking charge.. I'm sure that by the end of the night we'll BOTH be extremely.. satisfied..

*Vicious turns and walks out of the room with a smile on her face, as El Pablo just stares, almost in a trance. He snaps abruptly out of it, however, when another visitor steps through the door.*

EL PABLO: Oh, god! Erm, I mean, hello there, Miss Tuckedin Cyde - JENA Cyde.. Erm, what can I do for you?


……….

*There is a hush that immediately falls over the restaurant and its customers, as Jena Cyde comes in. She spies El Pablo at the table and charges over to him. She picks him up from his seat, and traps him in an excruciating bear hug before throwing him back down into his seat. Ace and Special Ed cringe initially as they see this, but then they try their hardest to hold back quiet chuckles. Jena and El Pablo then start their forced date…*

JENA CYDE: I can’t believe this is actually happening! I mean, ever since I saw you in that referee’s outfit I’ve just had these.. FEELINGS that I’ve never felt before.. It’s like every time I think of you I get these tingly feelings all the way down…

*El Pablo chokes on the large bottle of champagne he was busy knocking back at a far-too-unhealthy rate.*

EL PABLO: Aargh.. hahaha.. erm, well.. th-thanks, I think.. that’s really.. cree- terrifyi- terrific! Yeah.. just terrific…


……….

*Jena, at this point in time, has pulled the neck of her top down slightly, and is fondling her breasts, pushing them together as she continues to talk.*

JENA CYDE: This top really shows them off well, don’t you think? I mean, I’ve always noticed that they make people’s heads turn, but they just seem exceptionally.. “Five Star” this evening!

*Jena continues to ramble away as El Pablo glances down at the forks on the table in front of him. Without saying a word, he slowly picks one up, and holds it in front of his eyes, making jabbing gestures towards them, before throwing it back down.*


……….

EL PABLO: Yes, but before we go, I’d just like to finish by saying this: I’ve got.. you.. NOW.. poopykins…?

*El Pablo and Ed exchange a confused glance with each other, before a loud bang can suddenly be heard from off-screen. El Pablo and Ed look over in the direction of the noise.*

EL PABLO: Oh.. CRAP!

*El Pablo rips the microphone off his attire and vaults over the desk. He sprints off screen as Jena Cyde comes into shot, waving a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs over her head.*

JENA CYDE: Yoohoo! You can run but you can’t hide Mr Five Star Loverman!

*Jena chases after El Pablo as the camera returns its focus to Ed, who – after a few moments to re-compose himself – sits as if nothing had happened.*


……….

*The fans' attention is drawn up to the CombatTron, which cuts to static and white noise, before a scene resembling a basement or a boiler room comes up. The camera pans across slowly, past the cold brick walls and the copper pipes, to reveal El Pablo, stood with his hands hoisted above his head, chained up to the ceiling. His mouth has been taped up, and his commemorative "PX: The Legacy" t-shirt ripped right across the chest. The crowd reacts to this with some distress, distress that quickly turns to anger and booing as Jena Cyde walks into shot, a rather disconcerting grin on her face.*

JENA CYDE: Hi everyone! Look, I'm really sorry, but my darling El Pablo won't be able to attend your little show tonight. You see.. I have some exciting news! On Saturday August 2nd.. at the "Justice For All" Pay-per-view, live from San Antonio Texas.. El Pablo and I.. are gonna get married!

*Everyone in the arena reacts in shock, as does El Pablo, who apparently wasn't informed of this development prior to the announcement.*


……….

*Hix suddenly pulls a massive cake into the room on a cart. Tatum exits Pablo’s lap and returns to Mike’s side, while Pablo marvels over the magnificent structure. Hix wheels the cake into the centre of the room.*

TJ HIX: And without further ado, I present Miss Allure!

*Suddenly, frosting flies everywhere as a huge, hulking, beast of a “woman” appears from within the cake. Pablo suddenly spews the shot of Jagermeister he was drinking from his mouth. The laughter in the room dies as everyone’s faces suddenly look freaked out, including Matt’s. Hix merely stands back, proud of his handiwork.*

BEAST: So which one of you is the lucky guy?

*Everybody in the room points at somebody else. Matt at Pablo, Pablo at Jigga, Ace at Maynard, Maynard at Havok, Mike and Eddie at each other, Ed at himself, and Jigga at Hix. The mass confusion has left the…thing with little choice. He/she takes his/her top off and slings it across the room.*

BEAST: How’s that for motivation?

*Everyone sits still, afraid to make any sudden movement. The beast then notices the stripper pole in the room and approaches it. He/she beckons to Jigga for some music. “Dude Looks Like a Lady” by Aerosmith begins to play, to the laughter of everyone in the room between fits of fear. The second he/she climbs the pole and bends over so that an abnormally large clit is exposed, mass hysteria breaks out! Suddenly, tables are being turned over and everyone is climbing over each other to get out of the room.*


……….

MIKKEL: Do you, lovely Jena, take El Pablo to be your husband, to have and to hold for better or worse, in sickness and in health til death do you part?

JENA CYDE: I do.

MIKKEL: And do you El Pablo, undeserving of such a fine specimen, take the lovely Jena Cyde to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold through sickness and through health until death do you part?

EL PABLO: Can I say no?

*Matt grabs Pablo by the scruff of his neck. Pablo shrugs him off with a hateful look on his face.*

MIKKEL: then without further interruptions, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

*The crowd sits aghast in shock, knowing that all means of help for their beloved hero have failed and now his doom is upon him. Jena turns to Pablo and puckers up, her eyes closed and waiting for Pablo’s embrace.*

DANIELS: Oh no…

MASTERS: Oh yea, ha ha! This is it!

*Pablo turns to Jena, his face all wrinkled up with disgust. Pablo slowly inched closer and closer to the masculine jaws of horror, his stomach churning as he does so. Suddenly, a voice cries out above everything!!!*

SPECIAL ED: THIS IS FOR LOKI!!!

*Pablo suddenly ducks and Ed shoves his cousin Matt from behind, forcing his face tightly against Jena’s! Her eyes still closed and thinking him Pablo, Jena grabs Matt up in a tight embrace, forcing her mouth tighter upon his as he struggles insanely against her strength. The crowd explodes in applause as Pablo stands back in shock, a half hearted smile on his face as he realizes he has just been saved. Jena opens her eyes to find Matt on the receiving end of her kiss and suddenly drops him, horrified and confused. Matt scrambles to his feet, spitting and gagging. Pablo quickly takes advantage and lifts him into the air, nailing him with a Pablo Slam!!!*


==========


SQUIRREL BOY 1: Did you ever meet anyone famous?

==========

DREW CAREY: Good evening everybody, and welcome to WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? WORLD EDITION. On tonight's show... the Five-Star bloodbank on legs, EL PABLO!

……….

BILLY RAY CYRUS: Hey fellas, have y'all seen my mullet? I want it back, and it makes my heart all... Ugh, I can't even describe it...

ACE KING: Achy-breaky, perhaps?

BILLY RAY CYRUS: Yeah, I suppose that describes it. Hey, I should write a song about that!

*With that, Billy Ray runs off, clearly humming the tune to his one hit. El Pablo sees Billy Ray disappear, then grins deviously at Ace.*

ACE KING: What are you on about now, buddy?

EL PABLO: I may have given his daughter... A Five-Star... Experience...


……….

*After a while, Ace and EP come to the end of the hallway, with one big door reading "Reality" now stood in front of them.*

ACE KING: I guess this is it then.

EL PABLO: I guess so. I've gotta say, it's been-AHHH!

*Suddenly, El Pablo drops to the floor, clutching his head. Ace looks around, but can see no evidence of anything that would cause El Pablo to react in such a way. His partner is clearly in some amount of pain though, so Ace, confused, reaches over to the door handle, and pushes it open.*

ACE KING: Oh god..

EL PABLO: AHH! IT HURTS!

ACE KING: It's.. It's.. High School Musical!

EL PABLO: NOOOOOOOOO!


……….

ACE KING: Anyway... I take it you guys are gonna be watching and rooting us on Thursday?

THAT MAIN GUY FROM THE FILMS: We sure are!

ACE KING: And what can you expect us to be doing in our match against Anarchy Rising?

THAT MAIN GUY FROM THE FILMS: *in song* SOARING!

ASHLEY TISDALE: *also in song* FLYING!

EL PABLO: Please stop it.


……….

EL PABLO: What’s our first item?

COLIN MOCHRIE: Well, let’s see..

*Colin disappears behind the desk, and the sound of rustling plastics and metals occur for a few moments before he reappears, placing the item(s) on the desk.*

COLIN MOCHRIE: ..it’s a hammer! And nails!

EL PABLO: Ah yes! Now, hammers and nails are very useful items to have, particularly when used in a CZW context. For example..

*EP takes hold of the hammer, and stands up. He picks up a nail, and places it against one of “Maynard’s” eyes. EP performs a 360 flip of the hammer, then promptly hammers the nail into the dummy. He then does the same to the other eye, before giving the dummy one stiff crack to the head, wedging the hammer in “Maynard’s” “skull”.*

COLIN MOCHRIE: And now you need never sit through another Jesse Montana promo again!


……….

*EP looks at the camera and shrugs, then heads down the ramp to the DeLorean. He opens the passenger-side door and peers inside, pausing for a moment before pulling back out again.*

EL PABLO: Uh, Doc?

DOC BROWN: Yes, Pablo!

EL PABLO: I don’t think this is gonna work.

DOC BROWN: What!? Why not!?

EL PABLO: Well.. you’ve got Legacy kind of filling up all the room in here.

*The camera swings round to EP’s side of the car and peers inside, revealing Randy Orton and Ted DiBiase sat in the back seats of the car, with Cody Rhodes occupying the passenger seat. The three men smile awkwardly, as Doc peers into the car himself.*

DOC BROWN: Ah! Yes! Well.. Cody, you get out!

CODY RHODES: What? Me? Why!?

DOC BROWN: Because..

*Doc turns to the camera, a wry smile forming on his face.*

DOC BROWN: ..where we’re going, we don’t need Rhodes.

*Silence descends upon the parking lot, Doc Brown’s expression fixed, El Pablo stood with his hands on his hips, looking down at the floor.*

EL PABLO: ..Wow.


……….

TOP CAT: Well would you look at that gentlemen? Another CZW superstar just happens to drop by into our humble abode!

EL PABLO: Sorry guys, I was on Question Time, and there was a chair, and.. wait, did you say "another"?

BENNY: Yeah, that Lion Blackbird-

TOP CAT: Leo Crow.

BENNY: -Leo Crow fella's been hanging round here a few weeks now!


……….

*Ace's attempt to form a coherent sentence is abruptly halted by a crash, coming from a room 2 doors down from him and EP. They head towards the door, and slowly open it. Unfortunately, once again, they're not exactly thrilled with the sight that greets them upon entry.*

Posted Image

EL PABLO: Oh for the love of God!


……….

EEYORE: Horrible? No. Horrible is the eternal stream of disappointment and dejection that flows through my veins every pitiful second of this wretched existence I call my life. Oh how I wish for the great illustrator in the sky to just drive a fencepost through my skull and end it all!

ACE KING: Jesus...

EL PABLO: Again Ace, EEYORE, not Jesus.

ACE KING: Thanks, Pabs.


==========


PHOENIXTC GIRL: You must’ve made a TON of money, as well!

==========

EL PABLO: AMP XTC shirts eh? What sort of designs do you have? Do you, for example, *opens blazer up to reveal t-shirt and turns slightly towards the camera* have a lime green "El Pablo: VX" t-shirt with black lettering similar to the one currently on sale at CZWshop.com for $19.99? *closes blazer and turns back to Ed*

……….

EL PABLO: Hell, even RAVE never suffered a streak this bad. Mind you, Rave never suffered a losing streak at all, if you believe what you read in.. well, his diary. Which, by the way, is the newest item of merchandise available for purchase on CZW.com!

*El Pablo reaches off-camera, and pulls a bright pink book with dozens of little red hearts into shot.*

EL PABLO: Lose yourself in every page.. every word.. every heart-breaking little tear. Yours for just $19.95!

*El Pablo holds the diary up next to his face and grins cheesily, thrusting a thumb up into the air as well.


……….

*EP signs the cover, and hands the DVD back to the girl. She looks wide-eyed at the signature for a second, then turns to head back to her seat. Before she can take more than a couple of steps, however, EP calls out to her.*

EL PABLO: By the way.. nice shirt!

*The girl turns back, and opens the top out slightly, trying to make the design as clear as possible.*

GIRL: Thanks! $24.99, CZWShop.com!


……….

EL PABLO: Hey kids! Wanna re-create your FAVOURITE CZW moments!? Well NOW you can with this ALL NEW El Pablo action figure! *holds toy up in front of him, still grinning.* Painted in STUNNING detail, fully poseable, and EVERY BIT as durable as the real life FIVE STAR SUPERSTAR! Also features stunning "BLOOD LOSS" function!

*El Pablo, still looking and grinning at the camera, flicks a little switch on the back of the toy, causing the head to fly off and a ridiculous amount of red "blood" to spurt out everywhere, covering El Pablo, the backdrop, the stand and even the camera lens.*

EL PABLO: Order NOW for just $13.99 from CZWshop.com, and set out on your very OWN CZW Road To Glory!!!


==========


SQUIRREL BOY 2: ¿Podría usted también decirnos cómo usted trajo alegría y la inspiración a la gente española y mexicana por todo el mundo?

The gentleman and the other children all turn and look quizzically at Squirrel Boy 2, who simply shrugs his shoulders.

==========

*The sound of a Mariachi ballad flows gently along the airwaves of a hazy late summer’s afternoon, as the scene opens on a Spanish flag hanging almost motionless from a pole extended from the wall of a white brick building. The camera pulls back, revealing said wall to be the front face of a small restaurante, presumably in a quiet town somewhere in España. The camera drops down to head height, and moves through the open front door inside the building. It traverses the various circular tables with white and burgundy tablecloths, and makes its way to a small stage at the far end of the room. Here, we see the various members of a typical Mariachi band, a few sat on the edge of the stage, a couple pacing around fiddling with their instruments (easy..), and a couple more stood further back leaning on a selection of transportation facilities (or boxes, as they’re also known). All of the men are wearing the traditional Mariachi outfit, sombreros, neckerchiefs and all. The camera focuses in on one member of the band in particular, who sits on the stage with a blank expression on his face, seemingly completely detached from his present physical environment. This is noticed by one of his band-mates, who sits up next to him and waves a hand in front of his face.*

HECTOR: ¿Es usted aceptable, Chavo?

*Chavo does not shift his position at all, although he does at least register his amigo’s concerns.*

CHAVO: Algo se está encendiendo aquí.. Puedo sentirlo en el hoyo de mi estómago..

*Hector lifts his sombrero and scratches his head, a puzzled look on his face.*

HECTOR: ¿Usted es puesto enfermo por el hecho que somos una venda del Mariachi, a pesar de claramente estar en España?

*Chavo shakes his head slightly.*

CHAVO: No, no es ése.. Mi “Repentinamente Encontrándose en el Medio Sentido de un Promo Hilarante del Equipo XTC” está actuando para arriba..

*Hector’s eyes widen.*

HECTOR: ¡Ay mi dios!

*Chavo smiles slightly.*

CHAVO: Exactamente.

*Suddenly, the music cuts out, and the camera cuts right up close on the face of Chavo.*

CHAVO: Ay. Mi. Dios.

*A flurry of Mariachi instrumentation hits, as a bull suddenly bursts through the wall behind the stage, and tumbles off the edge. A couple of seconds pass, before “La Superestrella de Cinco Estrellas”.. El campeón ÉPICo.. El Pablo jumps through the hole, dressed in his full wrestling gear, landing on the stage in standard superhero pose.*

EL PABLO: Hola, perras.

*EP holds his pose, with the entire band staring at him, as a loud moo, followed by the sound of something wet and squishy hitting the floor, rumbles out from off-camera.*

EL PABLO: Limpiaré eso. Mi malo.


==========


VX BOY: There’s one thing I still wanna know, though.. how did it all end?

A smile spreads across the gentleman’s face, as the camera slowly zooms right up close, focusing on his eyes as they start to glisten once again. Over the top of the action, the following audio clip fades in…

==========

DEREK DAMAGE: Very, very clever, Theresa. That is quite the main event you’ve come up with, but I think I can top it. In addition to the flaming tables, ladders, and chairs…in addition to it being the main event of Overdrive AND in addition to this match being held for the CZW X-Championship…this match will also be…

A DAMAGE CONTROL match!


==========


Damage’s words echo into the distance, as the screen slowly fades to black.

THE E-

VX BOY: No seriously, how d-

EL PABLO: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

THE END…..?
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