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| Happy Birthday To Me! | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 29 2010, 01:32 AM (109 Views) | |
| Deleted User | Oct 29 2010, 01:32 AM Post #1 |
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Deleted User
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10/23/10: The Ballard Household’s Basement (It is October the 23rd. What may seem like an average day to most people is different for me. Today is none other than my birthday. Guess what I am doing on this special day! Absolutely nothing! I am sitting in the basement at my computer desk with my black headset on. The camera zooms in to see I am in the middle of a raid in World Of Warcraft.) “Booya! Good night Sindragosa! We’re just knocking on the Lich King’s door step now!” (I say as I turn slapping hands with The DM who is intently watching.) “Dude I’ve never even seen any of these bosses before. How the hell did you find a guild this good?!” “What can I say I’m lucky like that.” (I say as I guide my character through the dungeon following the 9 others on the screen.) “I have no idea what in the world to expect here. I never fought the final boss before…” (I say looking focused. Over my headset I’m hearing the orders from the many other players in the game. We use a program to communicate with each other over the game while we play.) “Kingslayer title here I come!” (I say when almost instantly the basement door opens up. You know it’s never good when the basement door opens up. Especially when I’m in the middle of a game!) “Happy birthday Rosman!” (Oh great of all the times for my mother to decide to celebrate my birthday it has to be right when I’m so close to killing the Lich King!) “Mom not now! I’m in the middle of a game!” (The DM hands me a can of Mountain Dew. I crack it open and take a few sips from it.) “Rosman Ballard you are not going to spend your entire birthday down here in the basement of our house! You can play that stupid game any day of the week!” “Not really mom! This is the day the guild I’m in gets the raid together!” (And then the thudding footsteps of my dad comes in. And oh so help me god. He is wearing nothing but a John Deer hat, a pair of work boots, and a pair of tidy whities… I apologize for this image… To put it bluntly my dad has no self dignity at all. He’ll burp and fart his way through the most formal of occasions and order a cheeseburger at the fanciest of restaurants.) “Boy you best be getting off that there computer!” “Dave put your pants on!” (My mom says mortified. I swear this is the life I live. My mom going nuts and my dad driving my mom nuts. Guess who the proverbial monkey in the middle is?) “Awe shut it woman! I ain’t goin nowhere! Who am I tryin to impress! Besides I‘m cutting back on laundry!” “Of all the things you decide to cut back on! Besides we‘re taking our son out to eat!” (I look at The DM who at this point is clearly too frightened to say anything. Ya know it’s moments like this that make me wonder why I don’t head to his place to chill.) “Alright fine! Let me wrap things up here!” (I say sighing before turning to the screen.) “Guys I gotta head out… Yeah I got Mom agro… Yeah it sucks! Believe me I’m not happy about it! Alright I’ll talk to you guys later.” (I say before taking the head set off and shutting the computer down.) “So where exactly are you taking Ross anyway?” “To Chilis! I got an e-mail coupon for a free chips and queso!” (Oh dear god. Don’t get me wrong I love Chilis food… But going out with my parents? That’s like a walking comedy sitcom. I belong in an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond for the love of god!) “Yeah boy! Get yer ass in gear!” (My dad says as he storms back upstairs with my mom following. The DM turns to me giving me a perplexed look.) “You’re really going out with them?!” “Yes… Yes I am…” “You do know you’re killing any form of credibility in the CZW you could’ve possibly had right?” (I roll my eyes before turning to The DM.) “It’s like I said before. Actions speak louder than words… And that was the deal with Garret William. I told everyone I was going to slay the giant and I did!” (I say as I walk up the steps and head outside and hop into my dad's truck.) 10/23/10 Chilis restaurant. (The smoke bellows as my dad’s rust bucket truck barely pulls into a parking space.) “Stupid stinkin hunk of crap!” (My dad screams as he hops out of the truck and pops the hood up. Thank god he at least slipped some clothes on! And yes that has been a problem in the past if you must know! Just ask the guy who works at the counter of the local 7/11...) “Dad! What are you doing!?” “I need to get some gas into this here truck… Boy go get the hose out of the back!” “Dave we are not siphoning gas! We’ll get some on the way back!” (That is my dad for you. Always trying to save money some how. The DM stands beside me as I walk inside trying to separate myself from the calamity going on out front.) “Something tells me this is going to end in disaster…” “No shit DM! Remember what happened the last time my dad went to Hooters?! Yeah boobs and booze don’t mix well with him!” (I walk up to the front receptionist and smile.) “Hi 2 of you?” “There’s going to be 4 of us… Just please… All I have to say is if anything happens here… I apologize…” “Ummm ok… Not sure what that is supposed to mean… Just follow me.” (The girl was pretty confused over what I said… But I’m certain that she’ll get the picture soon. I follow her to the booth where she sits me and The DM at. I open the menu and sigh.) “Happy birthday to me…” (Is all I say as I hear my parents coming in.) “Well I don’t see what good kicking it did Dave!” “What?! It was one of them there fancy eurocrap cars! They are gay!” (I don’t think my dad has an indoor voice. He just has a single volume with no control. They come over and sit down after spotting us.) “Alright I am putting a 20 dollar limit on the 2 of you!” (I blink a few times hearing my dad’s remark. Some birthday this is turning out to be. Then came the waiter. He was a scrawny young kid probably around 17-18 age range.) “Hey guys I’m Charlie. Can I start you off with some drinks?” (And that is when my dad speaks up first.) “I’ll have a whisky shot, a double whisky shot, and how about a pitcher of Coors Lite to kick things off boy.” (The look on the kid’s face said it all. I’m not sure if he has ever had to deal with people like this before.) “Water for me please.” (The DM is looking over the menu and sighs.) “Lemonade for me.” “And I’ll have a Dr. Pepper.” “Alright I’ll be back to take your orders while I get your drinks.” (As the waiter runs off my mom pulls out some presents from her bag she brought in.) “Here Ross. These are from us.” (Well at least one thing has gone right. You always gotta love getting presents!) “Awesome!” (I say as I open the first one to discover it’s a Playboy calendar. The DM’s eyes grow as wide as half dollars.) “What the…” “Yeah boy now ya can hang that there on yer wall!” “Gee… Thanks Dad… I think…” (I say not entirely sure how to react. Staying positive I open the next present to see it’s a Dating For Dummies book.) “Dating For Dummies?!” “Right when I thought I’ve seen everything!” (Cringing I decide to just open the final present to see it’s a Girls Gone Wild DVD. This is the final straw.) “Ok what is the meaning behind this?!” (I say clearly confused as to why I’ve single handedly received the worst birthday present imaginable!) “Well boy… Lemme be blunt with ya… We want to help you guide ya along in life!” “What?!” (I have no idea what the hell my dad is talking about.) “Alright I’m just gonna ask it… Boy be honest with me… Are you queer?” (I look at my dad with a sheer look of disbelief.) “What?! Are you out of your mind?!” “Oh man… I could be at home watching Iron Man 2 right now…” (The DM says burying his face with the menu.) “Dave!!!” “What?! If no one was gonna ask it I sure as hell was!” “Dad I am not gay!” (I have no idea where my dad is coming up with this crap. And the fact that every person in the restaurant is staring at us by now isn’t helping one bit.) “Are you sure boy? I mean yer always hangin out with this guy here. And I never once ever seen you show interest in women!” (The look on my face can say write a book right now.) “Out of all the days in the year you’re deciding to bring this crap up on my birthday!? And another thing! What the hell does me and The DM always hanging out have to do with being gay?! You and Tim next door are always hanging out together!" “Boy you best watch what ya say! I’ll drop ya like a sack of bricks!” (And that is when the waiter comes over with the drinks.) “Ummm guys can you keep it down please? Some of the patrons are complaining…” “You stay the hell outta this Charkie!” (I don’t know what is more amusing… The fact that my dad just called him Charkie, the fact that the waiter is trying to settle my dad down, or The DM who is practically paralyzed over this whole event.) “Sir don’t make me get my manager.” “You listen to me son! I’ll kick yer yankee ass from here to yer local hospital!” (My dad stands up rolling up his sleeves.) “Dad sit down!” “No! This little punk wants to start shit! I’ll crush his life right here right now!” (And that is when the manager walks over clearly agitated.) “Sir I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You are ruining everyone’s dinner.” “Oh yeah!? Make me leave!” (And that is when my dad throws a wild hay maker where cracking the manager in the jaw.) “Oh boy… I am so out of here.” (The DM says slipping out of his chair. I walk out after him not even looking at anyone. I’ve never felt this level of shame before on my birthday.) “Well DM this officially blows.” “What blows worse is he’s your ride home.” “God damnit!” (This day just keeps on getting worse and worse.) “Come on DM I need to clear my head.” (I say as I walk along the side walk and to the Borders book store across the parking lot in the complex.) “Ahh yes Borders. Every gamers’ paradise!” (I say as I walk through the front door. With The DM at my side. Immediately I walk over to the shelf of D&D books and grab one of the monster manuals on the shelf.) “What are you doing Ross?” “Well I am going to cut my promo here. Every man in this match except for me is a walking freak. First we got Buzzsaw…” (I say as I page to the image of a Rage Walker. This is a knight who has paralyzing weapons circling his body.) “The reason I compare him to this monster is because he uses weapons all the time. He carries that cane with him. However without his weapons he is nothing. He is no monk! He doesn’t have unarmed combat! Separate the man from the sword… And the man will go down… I’ve killed Rage Walkers before… They are one of the most dreaded monsters in the entire game… Can’t attack them physically… And the auras they produce can kill you instantly… I’ve killed 3 in the history of me being in the game… And Buzzsaw will become another statistic in my belt.” (I say before paging through my book before showing an image of a Hill Giant.) “This is a Hill Giant. He roams the lands crushing anything under his feet. However overall he’s a brainless brute. Anyone with a brain can outsmart this thing. I’ve proven time and time again that size is nothing. I’ve killed plenty of giants in battle. I am dreaded amongst the largest in battle. He wanted to dish out punishment to me? Well look who got the last laugh! His own momentum was his failure! And like a true warrior I delivered the killing blow in the form of a chair shot! He didn’t know what hit him… This match should end no differently.” (I proceed to page through the book before I smile as I show a picture of a stitch devil. This is a hideous demon creature with stitches all over it’s body and long claws.) “And this here is Jakob Mayhem… The reason I consider him as a stitch devil is because nothing but pure evil courses through there veins. They don’t have blood. They have poison gas within. If you kill one you will be poisoned instantly. Even in death they are just as deadly. However one with as twisted of a mind as Jacob doesn’t seem to realize this. I’ve played the game. I’ve seen it all… I’ve been a knight of Peylor… And I’ve been a follower of Nerull… I’ve followed the path of righteousness… And I’ve my heart has been as black as night. And with you Mayhem… You may very well see the dark side of me… I’ve killed women… I’ve killed children… I’ve corrupted the good for my own cause! In my eyes you are nothing but a puppet that I can control. In the world of D&D you can do anything you want… And much like D&D that’s how I see this match… Mayhem you can say you are an evil bastard… But you haven’t looked evil right in it’s eyes…” (I say as I page to the image of Orcus The Demon King.) “I am glad that I am thrown into this arena against these monsters. It will make it all that sweeter when I am crowned as the champion gladiator! Bring your worst fellas… And do me a favor… Be a boy or be a man… GET YOUR GAME ON!” (The camera zooms in focusing on the image of the evil creature in the book as the scene slowly fades to black.) THIS RP WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MOUNTAIN DEW! THE OFFICIAL DRINK OF THE DUNGEON MASTER’S BASEMENT! |
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