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Parodies Galore!
Topic Started: Oct 29 2010, 03:49 AM (77 Views)
Eddie_Rowan
Member Avatar
BOOSH


The Ed-ETV theme, “Cha! Said the Kitty” by Local H is played, redone with a creepier organ version. The intro video is played as normal with crudely superimposed skulls and bats and whatnot, giving it a more ‘festive’ look for the season. We open up to see MORTIUS…or rather Eddie Rowan dressed up AS Mortius. He wears a high-collared leather surcoat secured with straps and silver buckles as well as a long black wig. Dark make-up lines his eyes and he sits with his best rendition of Mortius’ scowl. A replica CZW World Heavyweight Championship belt rests in his lap, the light from the surrounding candelabras reflecting off of its plastic surface. Eddius sits in a throne of skulls, the morbid piece of furniture looking like something straight out of a horror movie.

Eddie: “Welcome…to oblivion. Nah, I’m kidding. Welcome to the Ed-ETV Halloween special! You know, they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, but it seems that any time I’ve ever done the shtick where I dress up as someone else and go through some strange set of scenarios in a good-humored jest, it doesn’t do anything more than just piss people off.”

A small clip is played from the “Keep On Buckin’” music video that was made back in the day during Eddie’s feud with Buck Evans.

Eddie: “See that…that was funny! Buck didn’t think so, but everyone ELSE sure as hell did. Though now that I think about it…maybe THAT is the reason Derek Damage has such a beef with me. It’s not because I questioned his motives, his abuse of power, or his unethical business dealings…it’s because I portrayed him as an old fart practically knocking on death’s door. I guess that makes sense. After all, the way you run your business can be debated, but nobody can contest the fact that you’re older than DIRT! BOUCHE!”

Eddie holds his arms out at his sides in one of those tough-guy “What you gonna do?” poses, and as if people doing this didn’t look extremely ridiculous already, keep in mind that he does this while wearing the Mortius costume.

Eddie: “Now, this is a throwback to some of my earlier shows with the skits, the costumes, the teenage humor, and to be honest, I think it’s about time, really. I’ve been so hot and cold lately that everyone is having to get all of their laughs from El Pablo, and that’s just a lot of pressure for one squirrel to be under. Though he does now have his little side-kick…"

Eddie leans toward the camera, holding one hand to the side of his mouth in a conspirator's posture, lowering his voice slightly as if to avoid any eavesdroppers.

Eddie: “…I’d like to put a few nails in HER coffin, if you know what I mean.”

He then sits back in his chair, adjusting the belt so that it sits on his shoulder.

Eddie: “And so, ladies and gentlemen…please. Enjoy the show. Or I’ll <BLEEP>ING KILL YOU!!”


MWA HA HA HA HA HA!!


Our scene begins on a dark and stormy night. We trudge out of doors up a cobblestone path as lightning flashes all around us, illuminating before us some sort of gate. As we proceed toward the gate, a somewhat creepy tune begins to play…



Moving nearer the gate, we notice it is crafted of black, wrought iron, and cast in the image of a fearsome beast. No, not a dragon. This gate bears a surly looking hamster. As we swing the gate open, we continue on our path, we notice it is not very well-worn. Weeds and moss grows on all of the cobble stones at our feet.

Lighting crashes (a new mother cries) again in the distance, revealing a decrepit old mansion in the background and a leafless, many-limbed tree standing nearby, solitary in a large, grassy field. From this tree hangs a tire-swing, lightly rocking in the breeze. We pass this just as some lady with way too much energy rushes past us with a dog treat in hand. A small schnauzer follows in her wake, and leaps through the hoop at her order before heading off-screen.

We try to ignore the complete absurdity of this and continue on our way, drawing nearer the old house. Mist overtakes our vision for a moment as we navigate the deceptively steep slope leading up toward the front door. As we continue, we suddenly find ourselves swearing aloud as we stub our toe on that stupid kid’s tricycle, because he left the fucking thing sitting RIGHT in the middle of the driveway, AGAIN, even though we’ve TOLD him a million fucking times not to leave his SHIT out in the middle of the damn yard!

Anyway, the lighting continues to flicker, the sporadic illumination granting us fleeting glances of old masonry, the stonework seeming to date back centuries. As we continue to move closer yet to the house, we navigate a small, two-tiered stone staircase that brings us onto the front porch of the abode. We kick the welcome mat aside and pick up the key, moving to unlock the door before realizing it is already unlocked and ajar.

As we enter into a large, sparsely furnished foyer, the lightning flashes brightly again, illuminating the darkened room through the windows. A chandelier hangs above a small table, atop which rests a vase of dead flowers. Suddenly and without any warning, a swashbuckler flies into the picture and swings from the chandelier, launching himself out of sight off to the other side of the screen. We continue past the table, undaunted, and wander by a pair of old, wooden chairs, darkly stained but whitened with dust and cobwebs. We then see a broad staircase that leads up to a small landing which then splits off into two other staircases that head to the second level. The staircase is flanked by a pair of matching doors. We open the first one, the one on the right, and find this…

Posted Image

Aaaaand since that’s obviously no good, we close the door and head to the other side of the staircase, opening that door to reveal a study of sorts. A small table with lit candles set atop it stands before a large, decrepit bookcase that seems to be crafted into the wall itself. On either side of the bookcase is a pair of massive windows through which another crash of lightning illuminates our surroundings. The bookcase itself is relatively empty save for the typical pre-requisites for a scary bookshelf: a skull, a pair of lit candles of varying lengths, and a couple of musty old tomes, though one more item does stand out…

Posted Image

We turn to the right where a secret door opens up from another bookcase…and then closes in front of us, causing us to smash our nose. Letting loose with a flaming volley of invective about the bookcase’s mother, we open it once more to reveal a passage of stone and a spiral staircase that descends into the subterranean crypts below the house proper. The passage is quite dark for a few seconds before gothic stone lanterns begin to dot the interior edge of the stairs. The lanterns are in the shape of grotesque and horrific faces, their eternal looks of torment and agony lighting the way. The first appears to be some sort of hideous gargoyles or fiends conjured up from the lowest layers of the abyss. One of them looks kinda like Sarah Jessica Parker.

At the bottom of the stairs, a cauldron rests to the side of a door made of old, rotten wood planks. As we pass by the cauldron, a flushing noise is heard and the water within swirls and drains through a hole in the bottom. The door itself has no handle, but we push it open with ease, the hinges squealing like the shriek of the damned, or Fatty McGee at the end of that one Adam Sandler skit. Inside the doorway, we find ourselves in some sort of archaic burial mound. Stone support pillars obscure our vision in this dank chamber lit only by sparse candle-light. Aged caskets and web-covered sarcophagi are scattered throughout, and a small group of bats flies past us, the strings supporting them from the ceiling becoming easily visible in the candle light.

We come upon an altar, a grinning skull and a few assorted candles set atop it. At our approach a nasty spider appears and begins its eight-legged waltz across the surface of the altar, and I don’t know about you, but spiders freak me the fuck out so we leave the area with all haste as soon as it arrives. In our flight, we instantly turn and run headlong into a large standing candelabra, knocking it to the floor with a muttered curse. Stealing our attention away from the fallen prop, however, is an old, rustic casket with a split lid set at an angle and surrounded by more candles as to draw attention to it. The music now makes a dramatic crescendo, and there is a loud thud from the top portion of the lid. The music stops for a moment and then replays the dramatic portion, and…another thud followed by a muffled curse. There is then a series of sharp pounding sounds as the music backtracks twice more and finally we reach down and help open the lid. Where we expect to find a skeletal, decayed ghoul (since, if you can’t tell, I’ve completely ripped off the intro to Tales from the Crypt here) we instead only find a guy with a horrible skull mask gasping for air and exclaiming some nonsense about being ‘unable to breathe in that thing’ and ‘should’ve known better than to allow you to lock me in a fucking coffin,’ blah blah blah…

Dark red blood drips down across the screen, obscuring the dungeon scene and displaying the logo:

ED-ETV
-HALLOWEEN SPECIAL-


Immediately after that, we are treated to this dandy little number:
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/fCPVRzzfOJyPZccN



Static fills the screen for a brief second, as if the channel of a TV was just changed. Somewhat surprisingly, a pompous tune begins to play, reminiscent of that old PBS program. The screen opens up as we glide through a large study, passing over books that SHOULD be considered high-brow and refined, but instead we see books on witchcraft and a copy of the Kama Sutra. We pass a podium upon which has a book with the words “Book of Shadows” embossed on the cover, and then an old bust statue of a woman with incredibly large breasts. We move past some picture frames with portraits of Bella Lugosi, Ron Jeremy, Glen Danzig and Tom Selleck.

We pass yet more books on the Salem Witch trials, Penthouse magazines, Harry Potter books and yes, even those damn Twilight books. We then pass by a small address book with a very dark black cover, the golden initials ‘BB’ embossed on the bottom corner. We move past another stack of books with a magnifying glass set sideways, arbitrarily placed next to a series of books written by Emily Dickinson, though through the lens we see that it has mostly isolated the first four letters of her last name and enlarged them so as to stand out prominently from the rest. Atop this stack of books is a wineglass filled with what appears to be blood.

As we pass over several other mismatched tomes and magazines of questionable reputation, we finally pan around to see a small table with a bottle and two wineglasses on it, flanked by two large chairs set in front of a large, lit fireplace. In one chair is Eddie in his Mortius outfit and in the other is the actual Brian Blaze dressed in his ring gear with a Hawaiian shirt and a fluffy white boa around his neck. With a smug grin, he presses his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose with one finger, leaning forward and retrieving his wineglass from the table between him and Eddie. He raises it in a toasting fashion with a widening smile.

BB: “Welcome…to Disasterpiece theater!”

Static again overtakes the screen for the briefest of moments, reopening on a lit Jack-o-lantern sitting on a pedestal. Aside from the candlelight within the pumpkin, the area is completely dark, and there is a slight breeze blowing through the area. A creepy announcer-type voice begins a voice-over for the segment…

“We’ve brought you Total Mayhem Roid Cream…”

A shrill scream sounds off at the mention of the long-ago mock-product from the earliest Ed-ETV days.

“We’ve brought you Thanato’s Breakfast Cereal…”

An eerie wolf-howl now breaks the background silence before fading away to quiet once more.

“We’ve brought you O’Toole’s Mayonard and some other needless crap that you felt the irresistible compulsion to buy simply because you can’t resist wasting your money on anything you see on TV!”


For some reason, the next sound effect sounds like it is made from a duck-call.

“But now, we’ve got the one product that you most DEFINITELY cannot live without! We have…the Caleb Walker!!”

Posted Image

In the background, we hear Eddie’s voice say something to the effect of “No, that’s stupid,” and there is a quiet beep, a cut in the scene that takes us back to the point before the last line was spoken.

“But now, we’ve got the one product that you most DEFINITELY cannot live without! Presenting…the Waylon Krew-Kutter!”
Posted Image

“As you can see, it’s black-“

Again, Eddie’s voice is heard in the background, this time something to the effect of “Uh, no,” before the beep restarts us once more.

“Presenting…the Edward Croft ‘Homophobe 3000’ Gay-dar!”

Posted Image

Beep.

“Presenting…the Sledge Hammer!”

Posted Image

Beep.

Finally we just see the Jack-o-lantern set in the dark room once more. Suddenly, the lights flicker on and Eddie walks in dressed in casual clothing with a baseball cap on backwards. He sighs and moves to collect the pumpkin.

Eddie: “You know what…forget it. This segment just isn’t working. Frickin’ El Pablo can do a clever spin on a damn Alanis Morrisette song but I can’t think of a single motherfu-“

He continues to rant to himself as the same wolf-howl from earlier covers up his more colorful language. The production credits then begin to roll while the redone version of the opening theme plays once more. After they finish, the screen fades to black with a ghoulish laughing sound which eventually fades into total silence. When the scene reopens, it is just Eddie and Spencer sitting at the production console of the studio. Both are dressed in normal street clothes and Eddie still wears his cap, though now it is on forward.

Eddie: “Well, I hope you’ve all enjoyed our little show. I know it wasn’t the work of genius that I’ve been able to put forth in the past, but I like to think it was a valiant effort all the same.”


Spencer: “And, of course, you had me dressed up as a woman in your little video.”

Eddie smirks and shrugs.

Eddie: “At least you didn’t have to wear one in person.”

Spencer: “True enough.”

Eddie turns and faces the camera a bit more directly at this point.

Eddie: “And so the day continues to draw closer where I face Mortius for the World Title in a casket match. I’d like to mention that despite the efforts of Derek Damage, he and I are going into this contest as friends and respectful competitors. I’m sorry to end things on such a serious note but there are a few things I’d like to get out into the open before we go try and kill each other. Mort, this match is pretty much the greatest challenge I’ve ever had to face in my career. Let’s forget about the title for a moment, and pretend that there isn’t that extra level of pressure placed on the match itself. Firstly, it’s you and me, one on one. You’re one of the biggest guys on the roster, and I know firsthand just how much of a punch you pack. You’re easily half a foot taller than I am, and you’ve got a hundred pounds of pure muscle on me. I know I’m faster, but you’re deceptively quick and agile and to be honest, all it will take is one mistake for me to die like a dog in this match.”


He sits forward in his seat a bit, steepling his fingers and resting his forearms on his knees.

Eddie: “I know that neither of us will be underestimating each other and that will make it all the more difficult to win. I’ve faced off in ladder matches, cell matches, cage matches…many of which involved several other competitors, but this…this is a casket match, a match where you win by sealing your opponent inside a coffin. So not only do I have to worry about being your sole focus, but should I get the upper hand, I have to figure out how to move your giant ass into a large box and close the lid. Not the easiest of feats for someone like me. But if there’s one talent I have, it’s adaptability. I know there will be a way for me to lock you away, and I’ll be waiting for the opportune moment.”

Turning to the side for a moment, Eddie retrieves the prop belt he was using earlier in the segment. He looks over it briefly before setting it in his lap.

Eddie: “This match is for the big one…the world title. I’ve gotten a couple cracks at it in the past. I fought Eric Collum, and he dropped me on my head and beat me. I fought in the Tower of Power and Ace King dropped me on my head and went on to win. Will the third time be a charm? Hard to tell. This one will probably be the hardest match so far, but I like to think that I’ve learned a lot and improved much over the past year and a half. We’ve had similar careers, really. We’ve had our share of factions and tag-teams. We’ve both worn gold. We’ve both achieved much with all the potential in the world for continued success. You, however hold the World Title, which I have yet to attain. But I have done something you haven’t…and that is defeat Alan Fiscus. You see, you did win the belt, but you never beat him to do it. I, myself, have more than one victory over the former champion. That makes us at least even, don’t you think?

With this comes the question…would I feel bad if I took the belt from my friend in his first ever defense? Of course not. He won the World Frickin’ Title! If I beat him and then lose it the next day it still doesn’t take away the fact that I held the most prestigious prize in this sport. You were THE MAN. Mortius will always be one of the best around, but I also like to think of myself as being on par. So, whenever we fight, it won’t be an issue of who is better, just who is better that night. Come Horrorcore, I’m going to do everything in my power to make it ‘my night.’ Win or lose, this is our time on top of the world, and I’m sure that I speak for my friend-slash-opponent when I say we will tear the house down. Derek Damage may have mutilated what CZW was, but we can still give everyone a reminder of what it SHOULD stand for, and that is the best wrestling on the planet. We have no reason to trade barbs or jabs before the match, and there won’t be any reason afterwards either. So, in closing, good luck to Mortius. If I have my way, luck is something we’re both going to need to win. And to the fans…this one will be worth the price of admission alone, I promise you that.”


Eddie glances at Spencer who only nods to the camera.

Spencer: “Bouche!”

The screen fades to black and the Ed-ETV logo is displayed for a moment before the feed ends.






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