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In Which It Pays To Be Prepared On All Fronts; I don't even know what I mean by that.
Topic Started: Nov 12 2010, 05:43 AM (276 Views)
Johnny Kerosene
Member Avatar
United States Champ
Brian: Johnny?

Johnny: Yeah Brian?

Brian: Why the hell did we agree to this?

Johnny: We didn't. Least I didn't. CZW brass wanted us to branch out and, like, take part in more culturally diverse Japanese activities or something.

Brian: Oh, believe me, I plan to be diverse in spreading my culture.

Johnny: Ew.

Brian: So why did we get signed up to take part in a Japanese game show?

Johnny: You kidding me? We're gonna be awesome! Our athletic prowess and pain tolerance are perfectly suited for these kind of endeavors. Besides, this'll be great training for the competition we're going to face later on. Shawn Waters, Krimzon Blaze, Waylon Krew, Nerdrage Jackson, all four- wait. Hmm.

Johnny ponders the situation for a few seconds.

Johnny: Maybe... not sure... if X then Y... carry the six... okay. At least two and no more than three great competitors. Point being, it ain't no cakewalk. But let's be honest; in CZW it never is. These are the greatest athletes in the world, who then go all over the world to show our prowess! This game show is just going to be another way to do that.

Brian: If you say so. But why would get signed up for this, anyway? I mean, who would want this, specifically something where we could get hurt? And besides, who would have the connections necessary in the first place...

- - -

Meanwhile...

Yoshi: Mwahahahahaha! No one ever expects Yoshi Naniwa!

- - -

=/NANIWA'S CASTLE\=
CHALLENGE ONE: SLIPPERY SLOPE OF RHETORIC!


Announcer: In this event, competitors must slide down a steep, icy slope on a tiny sled before reaching the bottom and attempting to call a sumo match while flanked by two irate commentators pelting each other with rotting fruit. Up first is Tag Team Champion, Canadian, and proud sex addict- how do we know that... he wrote this card? Really? Alright. Up first is Brian Blaze.

Brian takes his sled and dives headfirst down the slope.

Announcer: Good start for Brian, avoiding a lot of the ridges and crevasses... yes! He's made it down the slope with no problems! Let's see how he does in the commentary section.

Brian: Alright, let's see... I really know nothing about sumo, so this is basically two fat guys smacking against each other causing their mantits to wobble around in ways that are deeply unnerving to me in the swimsuit area.

Brian smiles at a job well done before taking a cantaloupe to the head.

Announcer: Oh, tough break for Brian there. So close. Let's see if his partner can bring them to the next round. Johnny Kerosene is up next, and he... is he going to try and surf the sled?

Johnny is indeed standing upright, albeit crouching as he goes down the hill.

Announcer: A very risky strategy, but it could very well pay off- oh no! Looks like it didn't, he takes a fall hard, but- hold on, folks! Johnny's still holding onto the sled! He is not done, and... yes! He's made it to the bottom of the slope! Now let's see if he can finish the job.

Johnny: Okay! Purple thong guy's pushing hard, but blue thong guy's holding steady, back and forth, back and forth, oh no! Purple thong guy's got him caught! He's lifting blue thong guy up! Going for a bodyslam... GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL!

The other commentators are too stunned and confused to even bother doing anything.

Announcer: And I guess we somehow have a winner! Brian and Johnny are going to go on to the second round!

=/NANIWA'S CASTLE\=
CHALLENGE TWO: PYROKINETIC AERIAL MANEUVERABILITY ZIPLINE!


Announcer: In this event, contestants will zipline down the Tunnel of Fire, landing in our target zone, but not before performing a midair twist or flip technique that impresses the judges enough to propel them to the next round! Up first again is- okay, this time he wants to be called "Sleazy W?" What does that even mean- Brian Blaze, everyone.

Brian takes hold of the zipline propelling himself very fast down the tunnel.

Brian: WHO'S THE BOSS!?

Announcer: Brian going very, very fast down the line, lets go and rockets himself with- oh! A hard dropkick that just took out our cameraman. I told the fool he was standing too close! Well, while it didn't have any spins and flips, our cameraman is knocked out, and that's impressed the judges enough to send Brian and Johnny onto the next round! I know judges, I always hated that guy too. Stealing my lunches in the breakroom all the damn time. Anyway, they're already through, so Johnny doesn't have to-

Johnny is, of course, going down the zipline anyway.

Announcer: Johnny's going down the line- what is he doing? Leaps off, 180 degree rotation, immediately bounds into- ooh! Moonsault splash right onto the guy! Insult to injury, though I can't say he didn't deserve it. Let's wish these two luck in round number three.

=/NANIWA'S CASTLE\=
CHALLENGE THREE: EXPLOSIVE TOPIARY OF DEATH!


Announcer: This round is not for the faint of heart as teams must use their various garden implements to carve the topiaries to code, but be careful! Some of them are filled with everyone's favorite letter followed by a number, C4!

Johnny: Really? I prefer G7.

Brian: Who are you talking to?

Johnny: Um... no one. Never mind. Let's just do this.

Announcer: Brian and Johnny have been asked to make a topiary in the shape of a flamingo, let's see if they can do it! Brian going with the traditional hedge clippers here, whereas Johnny has brought out the weed whacker! Interesting choice; let's see if it pays off.

Brian: I don't think those things are for trimming like this.

Johnny: Of course not! But this isn't trimming, this is art! So let's get whacking!

Johnny runs up toward several of the shrubs, and a few of them explode.

Brian: Nice job, idiot. This is art; you gotta be more delicate...

Brian looks over toward the shrubs. The explosions have somehow blown away leaves such that they are perfect flamingos.

Brian: That is not supposed to be possible.

Announcer: It looked like tough times, but no! Brian and Johnny have somehow pulled it off, and have made it to the final round!

=/NANIWA'S CASTLE\=
CHALLENGE FOUR: BARBARIAN'S RAMPAGE CHASE!


Announcer: This final challenge pits all remaining teams in a chase against our team of barbarians, Korgash, Rimtock, Bulginor and Clyde! And of course, a barbarian's best friend, twelve-sided dice! These dodecahedrons are each nine feet in diameter and weigh over 3,000 pounds, and they'll be rolling down the course as our contestants try to run away. Good luck, you'll need it!

Johnny: So, you think there's a key strategy here, Brian?

Brian: Yes, there is. Run and run as fast as you can.

Johnny: Yeah, I figured it was something like that.

Announcer: And they're off! The contestants are running, getting the allowed five-second head start, and now here comes the barbarians and their d12s!

Johnny: Hey Brian! Is it just me, or do you have the Indiana Jones theme stuck in your head too?

Brian: Well, it's in my head now, ass.

Announcer: Lots of injuries piling up on the course today. Cracked sternum there, fractured tibia there, I believe that guy's gallbladder has been completely separated from his body... Rimtock over there looks like he's decided to do a little teabagging... but two people appear to have made it to the finish line- and yes! It's Brian Blaze and Johnny Kerosene, and they are today's winners! How about that?

- - -

Field Reporter: So, you two are the only team to make it through all the challenges today! What do you have to say about that?

Johnny: I'll tell you exactly what that means! It means that we, The Spectacle, will take on anyone who thinks they can somehow take down our Global Tag Team Titles. And I mean anyone! Well, not Fiscus. He's a dick. But anyone else! And especially the people we have to face at the next Overdrive.

I mean, seriously, Shawn Waters? Dude, you need to go straight back to commentary 'cause you're a hell of a lot better at that than you are in the ring, and by that I mean that you made the play-by-play barely tolerable. I mean, shit, how long were we in Australia and it took a freak, hyperfluke victory over Brian here to get even one victory? What the hell ever happened to home field advantage, man? Your country is supposed to be an inspiration but apparently that's no help.

And Krimzon Blaze? Listen. We are The Spectacle, so we get showmanship. But even we know when it's taken too far, and you sir take it way too damn far. What do you have, like eight finishers, thirty-seven signature moves, eighty-two classic moves, what-fucking-ever dude. I'm all for versatility, but sometimes you have to master what's already there. And your Shooting Star Press, Shooting Star Leg Drop, Shooting Star Staple Superpress; they're all the same damn move. You do a backflip. Then you do something else. Get over it.

And Waylon Krew? I'll give the guy a little credit. A little. He's hardcore and proud of it. That gets my respect. You've got to have one hell of a pain tolerance to do what you do. And your history with Deathmatches might get you a little bit of a calling here in Japan. A little. But you're nothing compared to the speed and style that we have. That's right; I got reflexes, son. You go ahead and carry whatever big ol' weapon you want; you've got to hit me with it first.

And finally, Rosman Ballard. Senor Nerdrage himself. What, did you decide to go on tour because it suddenly dawned on you that your parents' basement just wasn't sweet enough digs? Did you run out of money for miniatures and dice? Did that mean ol' dragon kill your character's sorry ass and you decided to learn to wrestle to beat the shit out of the DM over it? 'Cause actually, that would be pretty sweet. But that's not you. No, you're just a sad, sad man trying to live out a time and you don't even yet realize you're not man enough to handle. But don't worry, 'cause that realization will come soon. Very soon.

Brian: Nicely put, Johnny. So, what do we win?

Field Reporter: 100,000 Yen.

Brian: 100,000 Yen?

Brian grabs the reporter's tie and begins to choke him.

Brian: What the hell? 100,000 Yen!? That's like 30 bucks, you bastard!

Brian starts pounding on the reporter as Johnny looks on, stunned. The camera cuts to a "Technical Difficulties" screen, then fades out.

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