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Guarantees Not Guaranteed
Topic Started: Aug 4 2012, 04:53 AM (98 Views)
Johnny Kerosene
Member Avatar
United States Champ
So here we are. The day has finally come. I would say "Kingdom Come, that is," but no, because that's terrible and you're terrible if you thought that was a clever pun.

However. This is indeed it. This is the day that everyone who hoped and prayed for CZW's return have been waiting for, and for a good long time now. The resurrection's first pay-per-view. Well, technically, an iPPV, but I guess we can't win 'em all. Baby steps, right? And besides, let's be honest here: most of the people watching this would probably be streaming it on their computers anyway.

But none of that is the point. The point is, was it all worth it? Is this going to be a good show? Is this going to be something that fans'll be talking about for years to come? Well, let's figure that out. I got the card right here, so let's just take a look-see, and determine just who's going to wow the crowd and steal the show.

-=TRIPLE THREAT!=-
Wes Hartley vs "The Cowboy" Jeremy Dart vs Cole Williams


Really? I mean, seriously. Really? This is the opening match? The opening match is really of vital importance, since it's their job to get the crowd electrified, and what do I see before me? A pair of beer-swilling, blue-collar brawlers who I guess missed the cue that no one gives a shit about beer-swilling, blue-collar brawlers anymore, and a kid who might be pretty okay, but he hasn't done nearly enough to make me even want to care. Who's going to win this match? Whoever owns the concession stands, since I imagine they'll be seeing a lot of use during this time. Let's move on, for the sake of all of us.

-=CZW DEBUT!=-
Satoshi Kobayashi w/ Reece Evans vs Jason X


Now here's something a little different. I don't know much about either of these guys, and I can't imagine the audience does either, but in this case that might actually turn out to be a good thing. A pay-per-view match that you arguably don't deserve is a great opportunity, and I for one hope that both these guys bust their asses out there and prove something, because they both have something to prove. Will it happen? I don't know, but I'd at least like to see them try. So who wins? Hell if I know. Let's go with... Satoshi. Dude's big. Size matters every once in a while.

-=ULTRAVIOLENT RULES!=-
"The Mountain Man" Joshua Newsome vs "The Whole Show" Tim Timmons


First off, Timmons, don't even start that shit. You are not the whole show. You're lucky if you're ten percent of the show. But these two know each other well. They've had a lot of history, both good and bad. So amazingly enough, the fact that they know how to counter each other's strategies might actually turn this into a decent match. Miracle of science, I know. What's even more a miracle of science is that Timmons is probably going to win the thing. Since it's Ultraviolent Rules, it'll probably end with a shot by a lead pipe, which he'll then immediately dub the Timmons Pipe, because that's exactly the kind of thing he'd do, the fuck.

-=TAG-TEAM ACTION!=-
"The Gunslinger Saints" (Eddie Rowan and Spencer Pierce) vs "The Power" (Eddie G and Ben Zenith)


Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. Wait. Wait. WAIT.

Who the ball-splintering uberfuck decided The Power was worthy of this card? I had every reason to believe that Brian and I proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that these two men were worth less than your grandmother's salmony panty stains, dipped in toxic waste and set on fire. Apparently I was wrong. Gunslinger Saints win. By... shit, I don't know, let's go with... spontaneous combustion. Let's move on; I don't care about this match anymore.

-=A WINDOW TO THE UPRISING!=-
"The Egoist" Mike King vs "The Graduate" Gregory Grantham


Now we're getting to the goods. I have to admit, Grantham surprised and impressed me during our match. I wasn't expecting much, but I damn sure got it, and that match might actually have gone either way if not for one or two key counters.

Yeah, that's right, I'm actually admitting that I was wrong about something. Suck my ass 'til it bleeds and drink like you sparkle, haters.

But that's not the point. I'm absolutely expecting Grantham to come out of this the victor, and start showing that The Uprising is exactly as good as we make ourselves out to be. Besides, King's far too busy trying to come up with creative ways to kick Tolwar in the face to even get into the right mindset for this match, and he's damn sure going to need it. Probably still going to be a good match though. We'll see.

-=FANS BRING THE WEAPONS!=-
CZW X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP!
"American Gaijin" Mike Monroe (C) vs "The Aerial Specialist" Krimzon Blaze


Ah, Fans Brings the Weapons. A classic, really. Maybe someone'll bring a noose so Monroe can choke like he does so well. But I digress. Being the only title that isn't currently vacated, you know, despite the fact the Brian and I never should've lost the tag titles in the first place... oh, here I go digressing again! Anyway. These guys better put on a hell of a match for their sake. Mike might've lucked into getting that title, but the last thing we need right now is a champion who can't even withstand his first pay-per-view defense, and I sure as hell hope he knows it. So then maybe, just maybe, he'll pull it off. We'll have a real fighting champion in a division that the fans have proven time and time again that they truly love. The start of a new, fantastic era for CZW.

Aw, fuck; who am I kidding? Krimzon wins and the downward spiral can only start from there.

-=GREENHOUSE MATCH!=-
"The 5 Star Superstar" El Pablo vs "The Anti-Christ of CZW" Ryan Shane


Goddammit, Pablo. I liked you. You're a good wrestler and a great entertainer. CZW could use someone like you, to pump up the crowds and stir up excitement. You could've been the start of something big. But then you had to go and challenge Ryan Shane to, of all things, a Greenhouse Match. And thus ends the once mighty career of the flying squirrel. Seriously, do you have any idea who Shane is? Do you have any idea what he's capable of? I do. I've seen it; I've felt it. I know Shane. I know the depths to which he will sink to ensure The Uprising does not falter, and you think you have home field advantage here? If you walk out of this arena, you will not have suffered enough. Do you understand me, Pablo? Damage thought he knew what he was doing banning us from ringside, but he was wrong. We wouldn't be there to assist Shane. We'd be there to peel him off you and try to keep your body at least partially unmaimed. Be sure to thank Damage for his stellar thinking, if you ever get the chance. I doubt you will.

-=KING OF COMBAT FINALS!=-
CZW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!
FATAL-FOUR WAY ELIMINATION MATCH!
"The F'N Boss" T.J. Hix vs Johnny Kerosene vs "High-Definition" Cage Stryker vs "The Prophecy" Daniel Cain


And finally, we come to this. The main event. The King of Combat. The World Heavyweight Goddamn Championship. Four men. Elimination rules, ensuring no lucky breaks. The match men will tell their grandkids about one day. The cap to what could be a beautiful beginning to the rise of CZW.

The way I see it, out of the four men here, there's a has-been, a never-was, a never-will-be, and the rock star you all came to see in the first place.

First out is the never-was, a Mr. T.J. Hix. How you got into this final is anyone's guess, but everyone's luck has to run out sometime, and you can go back to sitting backstage and pretending you're important just like the Hix I've always known.

Second out? The never-will-be, Daniel Cain. You might have a future here in CZW, but if it happens, it won't be soon and it damn sure won't be now. Take your lumps for a while 'cause you've still got a lot to learn.

And the last man out? The has-been. Cage Stryker. I don't think I need to prove why I'd have the advantage against him; I proved it all too well myself two weeks ago, and I barely even had to try. He might have a bit more drive now that there's something on the line, and for his sake I hope he does, but honestly? This match is nothing but a cakewalk as I will bring the World Heavyweight title where it belongs: to The Uprising, and to Johnny Kerosene. And as the confetti descends and camera fades out, all you iPPVers and going to remember me standing tall, and anytime it ends with me standing tall had to have been a hell of a show.

So go on and buy the damn thing already. Between the finest in ultraviolence, Pablo getting destroyed, and yours truly stealing the show, what have you got to lose?
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