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The Path of Light
FOX NEWS TICKER
A NAMELESS BORDER TOWN IN CAVARIL HAS REPORTED A SUDDEN SPIKE IN THE NUMBER OF NIGHTLY ABDUCTIONS, CITING A SUDDEN RISE FROM 70 TO 73. THE TOWN SHERIFF, ACTING DECISIVELY AND RESPONSIBLY, IMMEDIATELY RECALLED THE ENTIRE ARMY OF CAVARIL, DECLARED WAR ON EVERY NEIGHBORING STATE, AUTHORIZED TWENTY HIT TEAMS, TATTLED TO HIS MOTHER AND CALLED FOR THE IMPEACHMENT OF THE COUNTRY'S MONARCH. LIBERAL ACTIVIST JUDGES HAVE SINCE ANNOUNCED THAT HE LACKS THE AUTHORITY TO DO ANY OF THAT, IMPERILING OUR NATION. THREE PEOPLE ARE IN CRITICAL CONDITION IN GROMSKAL'S ST. TUTENKHAMUN MERCY HOSPITAL AFTER A RUN IN WITH WHAT WAS DESCRIBED AS 'A GIGANTIC DEATH PUMPKIN, RAMPAGING ACROSS THE LANDSCAPE AND SURMOUNTED BY A FLESHLESS DEMON'. THIS IS WHAT ATHEISTS ACTUALLY BELIEVE. TONERD FLINTBREAKER, BROTHER OF THE RECENTLY-DECEASED PRESIDENT OF THE NRA, WAS FOUND DEAD TODAY, APPARENTLY DURING A STRUGGLE WITH INTRUDERS IN HIS HOMESTEAD. UNBIASED REPORTS FROM EXPERTS WHO JUST HAPPEN TO BE OLD HUNTING BUDDIES OPINE THAT IT IS ALMOST CERTAINLY THE WORK OF THE SAME HUSSIE WHO KILLED HOLEN. IT IS SUSPECTED THAT SHE IS AN AGENT OF THE ANTI-GUN MOVEMENT, COME TO TAKE ALL OF OUR GUNS. DO NOT. INVADING JIHADISTS HAVE BEEN SIGHTED LEAVING THE KRELL DESERT, PUTTING PRESSURE ON THE UPRIGHT CIVILIZATION OF THE STRAGEURE TO THE NORTH. OFFICIALS FROM THE STRAGEURE SAY THAT THEY HAVE NO INFORMATION REGARDING THE KRELL THAT THEY CAN SHARE AT THIS TIME, WHILE OFFICIALS IN CAVARIL RESPONDED MUCH THE SAME, SAYING 'THE KRELL? I'UNNO. WEIRD FELLAS. WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?' REPORTS FROM THE GREAT NORTHERN OCEAN INDICATE A RAPID INCREASE IN UNDEAD PIRATE INCIDENTS. OFFICIALS WITH THE ORDER OF LIGHT ADVISE ALL SAILORS TO EQUIP THEIR SHIPS WITH GIANT FANS TO REPEL THE PIRATES AND PREVENT THEM FROM GETTING CLOSE ENOUGH TO BOARD. ARCHPROLATE DEVON, SEVENTH ULTRAPOPE OF THE ORDER OF LAMASHTU MADE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO HIS FAITHFUL, SAYING "THE STARS FALL FROM THE SKY IN THE NIGHT, CHILDREN ARE RUDE AND IMPETUOUS TO THEIR ELDERS AND THE UNDERDEACON OF THOR NEVER RETURNED MY GOOD SHAVING RAZOR. IT IS CLEAR THAT MEN ARE IMPIOUS, AND THE GODS HAVE DECREED GOTTERNEROKERDAMMERUNGPOCALYPSE." WHILE THE MAJORITY OF THE CHURCH DOES NOT SUPPORT THE ULTRAPOPE'S INTERPERTATION OF RECENT COSMOLOGICAL SIGNS, HIS FAITHFUL HAVE BEGUN PREPARATIONS FOR THE END OF DAYS, PROMINENTLY INVOLVING THE CONSTRUCTION OF A GIGANTIC WOODEN RABBIT TO BE BURNED IN EFFIGY FOR REASONS UNCLEAR AT THIS TIME. STOCKS ROSE 5% TODAY ON NEWS THAT THE FIRST BANK OF NEARNO WAS CONSIDERING FINALLY LETTING PEOPLE HAVE SOME OF THEIR MONEY BACK IN RESPONSE TO 'OCCUPY WHEREVER THE FUCK THAT IS', A PROTEST MOVEMENT ORGANIZED BY NOTED ACTIVIST JACK BOWER, WHO HAS NO ULTERIOR MOTIVES. EXPERTS AGREE THAT WHILE THIS MIGHT IMPROVE THE MARKET IN THE SHORT-TERM, THIS SORT OF CLASS WARFARE WILL ONLY LEAD TO COMMUNISM IN THE END. A MAN IDENTIFIED AS ASHER 'DEIN' MORITLES HAS BEEN FOUND DEAD TODAY, CORPSE MOLDERING INSIDE A BUILDING WHICH HAD BEEN DESTROYED BY SOME SORT OF TYPEWRITER EXPLOSION. MORTICIANS ON THE SCENE PROCLAIMED THE CAUSE OF DEATH TO BE 'TYPING SO FAST HE DIED FROM IT'. THE SUMMIT BETWEEN THE ANTI-TRADITIONAL FACTION OF THE GESEGNET AND A ROYAL EMBASSY LED BY NUADHA NUNGALPIRRIGGALDIM MAZDA CONCLUDED TODAY AS LORD MAZDA OBLITERATED THE DIPLOMATIC ATTACHE IN A VIOLENT HELLSTORM. IN A LATER INTERVIEW, HE STATED 'GWARSH, THAT'S HERESY!' UP NEXT; OUR DOCUMENTARY OF THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL, FEATURING EXPERTS, RUMORS, WRITINGS AND OTHER SECOND-HAND SOURCES BECAUSE NOBODY HAS EVER GODDAMN EMERGED ALIVE FROM THE PLACE. OUR OWN ANCHORS WILL DISCUSS WHETHER THE HOUSE, THE MYTHS AND ULTIMATELY THE INEVITABILITY OF DEATH ITSELF COULD BE EUROPEAN-SOCIALIST PLOTS INTENDED TO DILUTE THE EXCEPTIONALISM OF OUR GREAT NATION.
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The Path of Light
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Black Water
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Change
7:03 PM Jul 11
MSNBC NEWS TICKER
TONIGHT: LIVE FROM OUR NAMELESS-BORDER-TOWN-IN-CAVARIL HEADQUARTERS, FOOTAGE OF THE GRISLY INVESTIGATION INTO THE SUDDEN UPTICK OF VIOLENT KIDNAPPING VICTIMS. THE HARDY BOYS, A FAMOUS DETECTIVE AGENCY BASED OUT OF GROMSKAL, ARE LEADING THE INVESTIGATION. WHEN ASKED FOR AN INTERVIEW, THEY SAID "GOSH, THAT'D BE SWELL!" MOMENTS BEFORE BECOMING DISTRACTED BY A MYSTERIOUS CAVE RUMORED TO BE HAUNTED AND VANISHING. HOW WILL THIS AFFECT THE NEXT ELECTION? IT WON'T, CAVARIL IS A CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCHY. SCIENTISTS SAY THAT WHILE THE RECENT INCREASE IN VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER INCIDENTS IS UNFORTUNATE, IT MAY HERALD A NEW AGE OF MOTORIZED TRANSPORT. THEY DO NOT ENDORSE THE ODD PRACTICE OF SHOUTING "HEY RIMBLADE. YOU'RE GAY!" WHICH HAS PRECEDED EACH OF THESE INCIDENTS. HAWKBORN CORRESPONDANTS, REPORTING ANONYMOUSLY FOR FEAR OF BEING BEATEN, SAY THAT THE RECENT DEATHS OF THE FLINTBREAKER CLAN, COUPLED WITH THE CONTINUED FAILURE TO APPREHEND RATHOK FIREBRINGER HAS LED TO INSTITUTIONAL UNREST AMONG THE HAWKBORN, AS WELL AS INCREASED PRESSURE FROM THE CONSERVATIVE RIGHT TO FOCUS ON NATIONAL DEFENSE. AS THESE ARE THE HAWKBORN, THAT PRESSURE TAKES THE FORM OF VIOLENT SHOOT-OUTS. RUMORS OF MILITARY MOVEMENT AMONG THE KRELL HAVE NOT BEEN SUBSTANTIATED AS OF YET, BUT A NUMBER OF BORDER TOWNS (NOT INCLUDING 'NAMLESS CAVARIL BORDER TOWN', THE CENTER OF WORLD ECONOMICS AND POLITICS) HAVE INCREASED THE NUMBER OF AVAILIBLE SCOUTS AND SENT ENQUIRIES TO KRELL EMBASSIES. THE KRELL HAVE DECLINED TO COMMENT AT THIS TIME, CALLING IT 'A STRICTLY INTERNAL AFFAIR.' SCIENTISTS ADVISE THAT THE CLAIMS OF 'GHOST PIRATES' IN THE NORTHERN SEAS ARE PROBABLY AN EXAGGERATION- THE INTERNATIONAL LEAGUE OF MORAL SCIENCE HAS REMINDED ALL MEMBER STATES THAT GHOST PIRATES ARE NOT REAL, AND THAT THESE ARE PROBABLY JUST ZOMBIE PIRATES. ASTRONOMERS AT THE ROYAL ASTROLOGICAL COLLEGE IN ASCENDERE SAY THAT THEY HAVE COLLABORATED WITH THE OBSERVATORY IN CAVARIL AND HAVE DETERMINED THAT THE LARGE NUMBER OF STARFALL EVENTS LATELY ARE THE RESULT OF NATURAL FIRMAMENT DECAY, A COSMOLOGICAL EVENT CAUSED BY THE ASCENSION OF THE PLANET JANUS INTO THE CONSTELLATION OF THE WANDERER. OFFICIALS ADVISE CITIZENS NOT TO PANIC, WITH THE STRICT EXCEPTION OF PEOPLE WHO WERE BORN BETWEEN THIRTY-ONE AND THIRTY-TWO YEARS AGO, IN AUGUST. IN AN INTERVIEW, THE ROYAL ASTRONOMER SAID, "MAY EVERY ONE OF THE WALKING GODS BLESS THEIR POOR, DAMNED SOULS. THE STARS HAVE DECREED THEM ONLY DEATH. WE'LL BE FINE." ECONOMIC ADVISORS LOCATED IN KATANAVILLE SAY THAT THE FIRST BANK'S STRATEGY OF GIVING BACK SOME OF THE IMPOSSIBLY HUGE QUANTITY OF MONEY IT HAS AMASSED IS EXTREMELY WORRISOME. "WHO THE FUCK IS NEARNO?" ASKED ARON BERTHOLD, STILL MAKING A SANDWICH, "AND WHAT THE HELL ARE 'BANK NOTES'? WHY ARE THEY RELEASING THEM? I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS ACTUALLY SOME KIND OF DECLARATIO OF WAR, JUST BADLY-TRANSLATED." FOLLOWING THE TRAGIC DEATH OF ASHER MORITLES, OR 'MORITLESGATE', AS THE PRESS ARE CALLING IT, THE GROMKURST TYPEWRITER LTD. ARE BEING REWRITTEN TO SUPPORT A FORMAT WHICH WILL FORCE TYPISTS TO SLOW DOWN, HOPEFULLY AVOIDING MORE TRAGIC AUTHORIAL INJURIES OR DEATHS. AS PROJECTED, 'THE HOLY AVATAR OF MAZDA IN THE WORLD' DID NOT REACT WELL TO THE DIPLOMATIC ENTREATIES OF REFORMERS IN THE CHURCH. DURING A SUMMIT TODAY, THE RECORDING SCRIBES REPORT THAT THE 'FIST OF THE GOD-KING' HAD ATTACKED AND KILLED THE DIPLOMATS AFTER THEY DISMISSED HERMES AS 'AN ANGEL'. UP NEXT; AN INFORMATIVE, IF BORING, DOCUMENTARY REGARDING RESEARCH ON THE PRE-CATACLYSMIC ORIGINS OF STRUCTURES AND ARCHETECTURAL TENDANCIES IN THE BA'AL-LANDS. WHILE THIS WILL INCLUDE THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL, IT WILL NOT BE LIMITED TO THAT BECAUSE THERE IS LITERALLY NO INFORMATION AVAILIBLE ON THE SUBJECT, AND SO A SPECIAL ON IT WOULD BE REALLY FUCKING DUMB.
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