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Heads Full of Platypus Droppings
Topic Started: Jan 30 2018, 10:09 PM (62 Views)
Kalinda
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I give my best dismissive look into the camera, by Malecoda's diamond-dusted tail they're big here. Stupid backwards magicless round-world with stupid backwards inferior technologies. But yes, dismissive look. I am dark elven royalty, bred for war with lesser beings, raised from birth to be a warrior.

Well, technically I was raised to about the age of eight to be a warrior, then my caste-borne magic came in. Then I was trained to be the best speed bump I can for the aunt that desired my mother's throne, and could only acquire it by defeating the heir.

And of course, I had the misfortune of being born eleven minutes before my sister Yuriko, who did actually have all the proper magics and thus had been groomed as the true heir while my family treated me like a dead woman walking.

"Greetings to you, IJPW!" I say coldly, "You may wonder who I am. You may wonder no longer."

Having had decades of exposure to the media produced by various parallel round-worlds I have seen the feeble attempts by lesser tongues to capture the true beauty and majesty of the High Elven tongue. Kalinda, my bond-mate, has referred to my accent as "Beautiful, yet threatening."

I would say that it has the most in common tonally somewhat with Gaelic and Russian. Kalinda describes the language as a whole as "An Irish poet using Russian sounds reading from Chinese characters describing annoyingly German compound words coupled with English's tendency to bludgeon other tongues over the head and dark alleys and pick over their pockets for loose vocabulary, somehow being twice as information-dense as it ought to be."

There's a reason it takes those without innate racial memory decades to learn and millennia to master.

"I am Delilah na Kinai, Matriarch-Heir of House Boltfire, and I am personally disgusted at state of your stupid round-world. Your most powerful nation elected for president evil tangerine wearing possum on head who speaks no language with eloquence, not even his native tongue of lies."

"I come to this world to fetch my bond-mate Kalinda Kriegsdottir, whose sorry blue backside has been trapped here for years upon years. Stupid round-world magic and stupid round-world technology are not enough to get bond-mate home."

"So I build portal, I make it work, I test, I test again, I build again from scratch, I test more. I put together parts enough to make half-dozen portals. I build portal, I test, I swap out pieces, I test more. Then I come with pieces to make five portals, so I can take best friend Kalinda home. And maybe if round-world is lucky, I leave portal open so you can come visit, yes?"


I blow a strand of fire-engine red hair out of my face. White hair is what all members of my family sport, with red denoting their innate capacity for magics. Mine is only red in the front, showing everyone that my magical variety is "the suck."

"So, will be taking time to put portal together, work out bugs, make sure portal will function and not make sentient beings into cosmic skidmarks. So am here, doing things Kalinda does to pass time. I do this "pro wrestling" thing for amusement."

"But am not having amusement. Am having annoyance. Annoyance at, how do you say? Expected lies and exaggerations for turnings of profit? Ah, yes! Advertising! Was having much excitement learning that I would be having wonderful fight to death with fragile, squishy male with brains loose in head."

"But was being told, "No, Delilah, is not actually fight to death, is simply CALLED deathmatch." Bah! Is stupid! If match is not having of deaths, you do not call match deathmatch! You call match inefficient-weaponry-resulting-in-pain-and-suffering match! Is fault of stupid, inefficient round-world language you cannot say…"


I state a four syllable word in Elven that conveys the entire concept of fighting to a determined condition with inefficient weapons, the result of which is to inflict injury and pain upon the competitors for the enjoyment of spectators.

"...and thus be understood by all exactly what is meant! No, will prance to and fro with ladyparts on soles of feet around slightly-more-like-to-cause-long-last-grievous-bodily-harm-match not being actual deathmatch. Is fine. Stupid round-world is full of lies and filled with stupid, round leaders who do not know honor or battle, only know sensations of own head up ass."

"Like other participants in tournament. Not silly skull-dragon. Everyone else. Like great big man with acceptable skin tone and fine height and muscles for breeding. But is unfit for breeding, because where gods place brains, got in wrong line and had head filled with excrement of inbred platypus instead. Has head not only up own ass but also up ass of other people, who are also having platypus shit for brains."

"And then there is weird man obsessed with color red, who talks like has been living with tiny electric lizard in head for entire life like Kalinda, but yet not having annoying tiny lizard to show for it. Is of whining and crying about knights and dragons."

"So instead of having head filled with platypus shit, instead having lungs full of platypus droppings. Round-worlders have no idea how to kill dragon. Thinking singular idiot on back of horse kill dragon."

"No. Need magics to kill dragon. Magics, archers, and siege weaponry. Charging fly-beasts with stupid little lance on stupid hoofy ground-dwelling quadruped. Dragon just flaps wings and fries with breathe while knight sits on horse, looks stupid, and dies."

"Is why I will be IJPW Death Crown Champion. Delilah na Kinai? Excellent at killing."

"Rest of tournament? Good only at dying. Fit only to have spines broken underfoot."


I spit in disgust and stomp off, leaving the camera to fade to black.
Edited by Kalinda, Feb 8 2018, 02:20 AM.
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