EST. AUGUST 2016 - TOKYO, JAPAN
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| I will knife you if you try to take my waifu | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 30 2018, 11:45 PM (67 Views) | |
| Kalinda | Jan 30 2018, 11:45 PM Post #1 |
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"Hello out there all you sexy people!" I say, waving at the camera, "And also the Ultraviolence Union. Because if personalities were looks Medusa would take one look at you and go "Holy spit, you guys are really fuzzin' ugly," and then promptly turn to stone." I hold up my newly won DTW Eternal Warfare Championship and snuggle it. "In happier news, despite being bumfuzzled by the Ultraviolence Union who blatantly stole the DTW Tornado Team Titles, I am nonetheless also a newly minted DTW Champion!" "Yesiree, I finally managed to liberate the Eternal Warfare title from the hands of the endless series of nasty, undeserving people that have been holding this poor lady hostage. Delilah talks to objects, by the by." "After seeing the horrible treatment her big sisters got, this poor baby is ever so happy to be staying with somebody who will cherish and protect her. And not, you know, expose her to all kinds of ghastly pornography, and have her witness the astonishing number of objects that can be put in a butt." I puff out my chest. "So I'm proud to be a proper, well-behaved champion. Unlike wretched pornmongers and buttstuff connoisseurs, unlike people whose names rhyme with Johnny Vachon and Shakur Williams I could mention." I smile, (#98 CEO Literally Stealing Candy From a Baby.) "And I also find myself torn, like I would be if I tried much as attempted putting fruit that size in my backside. What do you think, Eternal Warfare Championship? Is Shakur Williams trying to prep himself for the eventual prison sentence that's going to be handed down for all his shenanigans, and probably tonguing Riddick's big bald Boris Zhukov-looking head in an obscene manner, while wearing panties emblazoned with the Nazi flag and nipple pasties." I pause. "I'll leave it up to you to determine which of Shakur and Riddick will be in that outfit." I'm pretty sure that the sea level has increased in a measurable way from the sheer of vomit that image has caused worldwide. "But I'm torn. Because I have friends in the other IJPW Death Crown Tournament matches. I want dear beloved mascot-chan Masatake Kawamata to win, and also to lose so that I can pound the peas out of Shakur Williams for daring to be Riddick's mule and carry his dead, bald backside to a title victory on top of his barndoor, back, brother!" This of course accompanied by some Hogan-esque flexing. "Because I'm willing to throw myself on Shakur Williams and hold him still while Delilah runs him over with a steamroller. It's actually kind of fun to have your bones popping back into three dimensions, and I'd love to do it again. Especially with a heated roller. It's like the BEST full body massage. It even gets your brain." "Now, I know they say that your brain has no nerve endings. To which I say I ripped out a bunch of them from other parts of my body, grafted them in, and had them grow back just so I could feel the cool breeze on my prefrontal cortex when I'm shot in the head." I make a finger gun and point it at the middle of my forehead. "Bang! Though I suppose I should count my chickens before they hatch. Delilah's never wrestled before, and she's got "Hijo del Iron Mike" Rob Sharpe. Whom we all know is a notorious piglet rapist and smuggler of outlawed fighting hamsters. Which comes from his time in Mexico as a member of "Menudo," where he fell into the criminal element due to his crippling debt due to a Tab addiction." I stage whisper to the camera. "If you don't want people making things up about you, buddy, maybe you ought to make sure that you have a legitimate biography that we can use to mock you, kay?" "And of course speaking of targets of legitimate mockery we have "Scarlet Speedster" Joe Stanton, who is under the delusion that he's some kind of knight with power in his right hand. And come on, we all know exactly HOW he's gained all that strength in his right hand." Making a hand motion, you know the one. "Which is ridiculous. And trust me, I'm an expert on ridiculous. I'm a clown for fuzz's sake. It's not the funny kind of ridiculous, it's the sad, pitiful kind of ridiculous. Not the kind that makes you laugh, the kind that makes you want to go to a home, grab a shotgun, and think about how shitty your relationship with Courtney Love is, if you catch my drift." "Everyone is always saying this bullhonkey about being knights and dragonslayers and Games of Thrones and Lord of the Rings. It's annoying. It's like if you had an anime that consisted of nothing other than clips of pre-pubescent girls shrieking "ONII-CHAN!" at the top of their lungs." "And what really offends me is that I have to defend my poor about title-waifu, the DTW Eternal Warfare Championship, at this event. Possibly twice!" I hug my poor, abused title belt. "I am not sending her home to be forgotten and lost amidst ninety-seven moderately crust dakimakura, vegetable buttstuffers, hamster smugglers, and lesser sorts of undead! KAWAMATA DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANY UNSPEAKABLE HUNGERS!" I shake my head. "I will make sure that nobody unworthy so much as lays a finger on this belt, and the new, untouched, virgin championship of IJPW! I will not let Shakur Williams take home an innocent and pure Deathmatch title so Nate Narwin can glue pubes on it!" "Then again, he's probably been growing out the ones he used since 6th grade. But I must protect the title from poop, pubes, and unspeakable fluids! Because I'm not just a dragon-clown-undead, but I am also a warrior of justice!" I produce a brightly colored sword out of nowhere. "And I will make julienne fires out of anyone that tries to deface any more titles!" Fade to black. |
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