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The Great Banana Rush
Topic Started: Dec 17 2007, 07:27 PM (8,474 Views)
rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Communication from Commander Martin 'Buzz' Cheesegrater aboard the Rhanukhani State Space Station to Stars Reach Space Centre, Astahni]

…have visual confirmation on that, sir. A missile has definitely been launched from NDR - I hope the brave soul down there who managed to get that off hasn’t bought this shot with his life! The missile appears to be targeted on the Symyano flagsh- what the-?!

What is it, commander? What do you see?

The missile, sir – it just… vanished!
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Somewhere in a secret location]

Good day, Mr Malachite – it’s wonderful to see you again!

Thank you, Professor – I’m glad to see you were able to continue the plan in my absence.

Indeed, Mr Malachite, your preparations have been very thorough.

What news do we have on the proceedings?

Operatives have been reporting in from various countries – it is almost certain that Symyano infiltrators are active in nearly every nation. It’s quite clear that the new leader in NDR is a Symyano agent, however, the Glericans are claiming to have neutralized the agents in their country.

The Glericans? We can only hope that’s true. I’m certain that they were the hub of the infiltration operation here!

+++ATTENTION! MISSILE LAUNCH DETECTED+++

A missile? Where?!

+++MISSILE POINT OF ORIGIN: NEW DRAKENSBERG RANGE, TARGET: SYMYANO FLAGSHIP+++

Somebody’s fighting back! Excellent!

+++ATTENTION! MISSILE NEUTRALIZED+++

Neutralized? Damn them! How, computer?

+++SIGNAL CONSISTENT WITH SPLORT-BASED ATTACK DETECTED – ATTEMPTING TO DETERMINE ORIGIN+++

Splort? The Symyano are using splort technology! I knew the Glericans couldn’t have developed it so quickly on their own! At least they’ve dealt with the infiltrators in their-

+++SPLORT SIGNAL POINT OF ORIGIN: GLERICA+++
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New Drakensberg Range
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Lord
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
"What the hell happened?!" said McLean as he was preparing to exit the command room.

Dulles had dispatched several platoons of soldiers to the missle silo where the group of soldiers are located, when the missle had been launched. The soldiers are preparing to make a quick exit before the platoons arrive. They plan to move west through the country, reaching an airfield where a plane is waiting to take them out of New Drakensberg Range.

"Sir, it would appear that Splort technology was used to transport the missle. I have no idea where it has gone." said one soldier.

"Damn it. If we had time, we could try to launch several weapons. However, we need to get out of here, and fast." said Bradley.

With that, the group of soldiers took their gear, and exited the room.
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Rhanukhani State News Network Lunchtime Bulletin]

Good afternoon viewers. The time is one o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife bringing you the news all across England thanks to the Rhanukhan OrbiTech satellite communications network!

Today's main headlines:

Battle in the Palace: RSNN has received reports of an attempt on His Resplendence, the Supreme Chairman’s life last night. In a statement released to the press, His Resplendence confirmed that foreign minister, Allistair Ballustrade, had in fact been a Symyano infiltrator, intent on gaining Rhanukhan’s surrender. Luckily, thanks to intelligence from a currently undisclosed source, agents of the Rhanukhani National Security Agency were able to rescue His Resplendence and terminate Ballustrade and his lackeys. Former education minister, Zoe Washbasin has been appointed as successor to Ballustrade’s former role. We’ll be joining Sophie Futon on the streets of Rhanukhan for public opinion on these events.

In other news- wait – I’m just been informed… yes – we’re receiving reports of an attempted missile attack against the Symyano. In spite of their leader’s apparent capitulation to the invaders, it would appear that somebody in New Drakensberg Range is willing to fight back! I can confirm the launch of one nuclear missile against the- wait – I’m just receiving updated informa- oh no!

It is with sorrow that I announce the failure of the NDR’s brave effort against the invaders. We can be certain the Symyano response will be swift and brutal. Our hopes and best wishes are with the people of the New Drakensberg Range.

The rest of the news, sport and tomorrow's weather will be coming right after this break...
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Glerica
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Squire
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Splort Central Command (SCC), Glerica - Moments Before the Missile Launch

In a jungle of wires and computers, technicians and scientists are running wild trying to bring the splort central computer back online. The remaining two head scientists, Doctor Jane Rodgers and Professor George Concour are trying to crack the encryption.

"I just don't UNDERSTAND THIS! I didn't put in the encryption codes, Malatron did it!"

"Professor Malatron is dead, George or didn't you realise he was an alien?"

"Look, we've come to the fact that this is far greater technology than we humans should have developed... decades into the future in fact, but this system is built on our terms, I put in all of the safety parameters, remember? There has to be a back door... some sort of-"

The Splort Core begins to glow blue, coming online.

"We... did it? Can we use it?"

"It's online, but we're still locked out... what the hell happened?"

A security technician runs in

"People! Code 4! Missile Launch Detected!"

"What?! From the aliens?"

"No from NDR, they seem to be trying to attack the-"

The Central Computer begins initiating the Prototype Glerican Missile Defence System, an idea that was designed to Splort any incoming missile away from it's intended target.

"The Missile Defence? That was just an idea, a prototype! Unfinished! Who completed it?"

The two scientists look at each other, both knowing the answer.

"These bastard aliens! Has it worked?"

"It appears so... but I can't see where it's been splorted to"

A few moments the Scientists try and delve through the maze of numbers and sequences filling the screens. Suddenly, Jane looks up.

"What is it? Why have the aliens got control over this station?"

"It's on... "Return to Sender Mode"

"Dear god... Kenny! Get me a line to NDR quickly! We need to warn them! Jane, try and crack this damn lock out code we need to see if we can splort whoever sent that missile out of there before it goes off! Move people MOVE!"
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Aboard the flagship of the Symyano Fleet]

E-e-e-exhalted F-fleetmaster! The broadcast from Rhanukhan has been c-confirmed. The entity designated Allistair Ballustrade w-was Alrabustt's avatar!

RAAARGH!!!! *Boohubalss lashes out at his aide, sending him sprawling* Alrabustt, my friend, they will pay for this!!! You! On your feet!!

A-at y-your command, exhalted one!

Who was responsible?!

We have been unable to determine the individuals involved, your exhaltedness - the Rhanukhani have suppressed a lot of the information relating to the incident.

Gah! Tell me we have at least located Alrabustt's firstplace!

We have, exhalted one! A team is already retreiving the command womb!

Excellent... if the mental damage caused by his avatar's destruction is not too great, Alrabustt will still be able to tell us what occured!
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[In his command bunker, His Resplendence, the Supreme Chairman, Horatio J. Prism has been called by Ignatius Lampstand, Director of the Rhanukhan National Security Agency]

You can't be thinking of trusting him, Your Resplendence!

We have little choice, he's the only person who was prepared for this.

Haven't you wondered why he was so prepared?

Of course I have! I'd be a fool not to suspect, but it's clear that he has Rhanukhan's - the world's - best interests at heart.

But... everything he's done! You've seen the file!!!

Yes... yes I have... *sigh* I need that file to disappear for the time being, Ignatius.

I can't do that, Your Resplendence!

You can and you will - that is an order, Mr Lampstand!

hn... It shall be done, Your Resplendence...

Good - we can deal with all this after the crisis has passed.
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Glerica
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Squire
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Splort Central Command (SCC), Glerica

"I've done it!"

"What? You've cracked it?"

"Yes! We have splorting back online, all units working at optimal parameters. But there is a problem"

"Whats that?"

"In order to not be detected by the aliens, we're limited in our splorting capability."

"Meaning?"

"Well it's hard to say. Distance isn't really a problem, and before you ask no I can't splort directly onto one of their ships. I tried splorting some of our toxic waste up there, but they have some sort of dampening field... can't get near them."

"Did they detect it?"

"As far as I can guess, no. No increased activity, no warnings, no threats, nothing. They either don't care or don't know and for some reason I don't think they don't care. Aside from this dampening field we can go anywhere, anytime again"

"What about that missile?"

"Can't get a lock on it. It's a few miles underground somewhere in NDR, most likely a bunker or silo or something. But if it explodes it's going to take more than a few things with it. Have you tried to warn NDR?"

"We get through, tell them, and get a standard response of "we will investigate"

"Damn it! This is not good. The Symyans somehow took remote control of this station and splorted that missile under NDR. To everyone else in the world however it looks like WE did it, they've no idea about this astral control!"

"PR are going to have a hell of a time sorting this out..."
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Rutzatil
Peasant
[ *  *  * ]
[In a Secret nuclear bunker, somewhere under the Westfield region of Rutzatil]

"Sir, you may want to see this..."

General Sir Rupert Durden and Air Chief Marshal Noel Mathie looked up from their discussion as the timid, geeky-looking communications expert tip-toed over to them,saulting at every second or third step, so as not to offend.

"It appears some of our neighbours are launching missiles at each other and spilling toxic waste all over the region. There's something about aliens as well!"

Durden took the manuscript from the young man. He glanced over it.

"Thank you for bring me this, you can go now"

"What about the aliens?!.....sir?!"

"Aliens? Son, you've been watching too many X-files episodes" said the General with a hint of a smile on his face.

"Of course, sorry sir, i'll go now"

As the computer boffin scuttled off, Mathie asked "Operation Gyspy Eyes?"

"No no, it's not that serious. Operation Stepping Stone should be enough for this. Better tell the boys at Intel'. You're going there tomorrow, right?"

"I am indeed. Should we tell Admiral Hopkins?"

"Oh god no, he'll try and launch nukes. The man's a nutcase" Durden laughed.

With that Mathie started to make his way off to his Quarters. He paused.

"Durden?"

"Yes?"

"Why are all our operations named after Jimi Hendrix songs?"

"It was either that or naming them after Quality street sweets. Operation Coconut Eclair? You can't take that seriously, can you?"

"S'pose not." They saulted each other and carried on with their business.
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Rhanukhani State News Network Late Night Bulletin]

Good evening viewers. The time is ten o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife bringing you the news all across England thanks to the Rhanukhan OrbiTech satellite communications network!

Tonight's main headlines:

Glerican Duplicity?: Following their splort attack on the missile launched by New Drakensberg Range it is now clear that earlier reports from Glerica regarding the elimination of Symyano agents were false. A spokesman for the Rhanukhan National Security Agency stated today that they believe the Symyano infiltrators disposed of any Glerican government officials who weren't of their own kind and simply released reports that the opposite had occurred. This could potentially mean that the entire surviving government of that nation are Symyano agents, which would make Glerica the Symyano infiltrator hotspot of the world!

He's Not a Traitor, He's a Free Man!: Yes viewers, Lehpuhrtan governor, Constantine Malachite, sensationally arrested live on RSNN over the weekend has been released without charge on the grounds of insufficient evidence! Upon being asked if he would be seeking compensation for his ordeal, the magnanimous Mr Malachite stated that there were far more important concerns in the world today and looked to the sky, clearly indicating the Symyano invasion; adding that the official apology he had received from the Director of the RNSA, Ignatius Lampstand, was compensation enough.

And finally: Curious lights were seen descending from the sky in the province of Loidisuria last night. Witnesses, including reputable members of the Loidisurian Law Enforcement Agency, claim that the lights were seen moving around in a co-ordinated pattern for up to five minutes before suddenly dropping groundwards. As can be seen from this amateur video footage, there were as many as seven of the lights visible at one point. Additional reports an hour later suggest the same or a similar group of lights were seen ascending again. What could this mean? Is it connected to the Symyano in some way? Jonathan Spatula brings us the full report.

All the news, sport and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break...
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Glerica
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Squire
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Secret Location

The bunker containing various generals, advisors, ministers, scientists and even the king himself is rife with the arguments and worries being shouted, whispered and, in the case of Admiral Harry Tropberk, knocked out in morse code with his wooden leg.

"What the hell HAPPENED PEOPLE?!"

"Your majesty, this isn't our fault, we've no idea that these things could do something like that. They took control of the Splort Station by remote access, we saw it happen!"

"This isn't good you know... everyone in the world thinks that we're rife with corruption now. They think that me, the King of this land is an alien. For all we know we could expect an attack of any of these nations. Those doors are going to burst open any minute in a hail of smoke and gunfire!..."

Everyone turns to the doors and waits several seconds.

"... Well I didn't mean those doors specifically, you know."

"The way I see it" says General Chinston Worstill "is that we have to show that we have sorted out this corruption problem by... releasing the information."

"No, no, no! I'm not sharing my work just as easy as that! I don't care if it's for the good of the world, if the Symyans get their hands on this information, they'll counteract it with ease and we'll be back to square one"

"Doctor, I understand your position but if we share this information it will give us the upper hand!"

"Don't you see General that if the Symyans get this info then we are all screwed! They'll bypass it! We can't let them know we have this!"

"Look" says the King now walking around the room, "Firstly we need to announce that the Splorting was done remotely, so that it will calm fears of us being some sort of Alien Base. We also need to get through to NDR and warn them about where that bloody missile is!"

"We've tried sir, but we've gotten no response"

"Then god help them... god help them all"

Doctor Jane Rogers sighs "Why does he have to be so dramatic?"

"Because he's the king, that's why!"
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Aboard the flagship of the Symyano Fleet]

Excellent news, exhalted one - you will recall the missile attack earlier?

I do.

And that we utilised the remote command that Mlotarann was able to install in the teleportation machine he helped the humans of Glerica develop?

Yes... that seemed an almost treacherous move on his part... I wonder what he was trying to achieve?

Perhaps the result we observed today, exhalted fleetmaster!

Hmm? Which is...?

Infighting, your exhaltedness! Many of the other nations are convinced the Glericans acted to protect us of their own accord! The seeds of distru-

*Boohubalss's aide is briefly distracted by the small device he always carries*

Exhalted Fleetmaster! The recovery team has returned with Alrabustt!

At last! Where is he? Take me to him at once!

*Moments later in the ship's infirmary, Boohubalss comes face to face with his old friend. Alrabustt's shuddering, gangly, naked form is hooked to various machines by pipes and cables - clearly the only things keeping him alive. His hair is still slick with the fluids of the command womb from which he has recently been removed and his eyes are clamped shut against what he perceives as blinding light*

Alrabustt... my oldest and most trusted friend...

B-B-B-Buhblsss?

Yes, my friend, I am here.

*Boohubalss looks to the medical staff who nervously glance away, unable to meet his questioning gaze*

th-th-thought h-he d-d-d-d-dead!

Who Alrabustt? The one who did this?

Ysss!

Who was it?! Give me his name and that human and all he holds dear will pay for this crime!!!

N-n-n-nt h'man-n-n!

Not...?

T-traitor!!!!

A traitor?! It cannot be, old friend!

Ws! Th-th-thought h-he d-d-d-d-dead! Y-y-yrsss ag-g-go!

*Alrabustt spasms violently, tearing some of the cables from his body, Boohubalss looks up angrily at the medical staff who desperately try to calm his friend down and reattach the machines*

Who was it Alrabustt? I must have his name!

Ws Cho! Ws Cho!!! Chn!! Nnnnn!

WHO?!!!!! THE NAME!!!!!

CHN-CHONMIKLATT!!!

*With one final shuddering spasm, Alrabustt collapses back onto the bed, the machines' displays all showing that he has expired. The medical staff all cower, expecting the worst. They are not disappointed. The Fleetmaster's rage is terrible - by the time his grief-stricken, flailing rampage is over, three of the medical team are dead and the rest in need of their colleagues' attention.*
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Somewhere in a secret location]

Those accursed Symyano! They have Glerica completely under their control! It's the only explanation!

Surely not, Mr Malachite?!

It is! I was right about them! They're the hub of the infiltration! We have to take them out of the equation or any attack on the fleet will be worthless! You said the splort disrupter was fully functional, Professor?

Yes, Mr Malachite! The signal we intercepted, the body that appeared in Dariwhani - it had to have been a successful hit!

Good! I can see us needing it! Computer!

+++GOOD EVENING, MR MALACHITE - WHAT IS YOUR COMMAND?+++

Connect me with all our GBI-2 primaries in Glerica!
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disposablepuppetland
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Duke
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Somewhere in northern West-Side]

"Is this cat ever gonna show?" Winston was bored, it was a cold night and they had been waiting in the middle of a vast hemp field for nearly an hour now. The densely packed foliage towered over them and, as morning approached, fog had begun to rise from the damp ground. Winston could barely make out his own feet, because his stomach was in the way, but even that looked hazy and indistinct.
"How we ever gonna find him in here anyway?" he wondered out loud.
Cake took out his phone and accessed the GPS locator. "We were to meet him at this exact location, at 4am... It's now 4:23... He'd better hurry up."

"Mornin' fellas!" a man emerged from the fog ahead of them, "Sorry to keep you waitin', had a spot of bovva with me motor."

"Professor Virgil?" inquired Cake, dubiously. This character certainly didn't look like a typical scientist. He was wearing dark-blue jeans, white muddy trainers, a leather jacket, and sun-glasses.

"That's right mate, but call me Devo. Nice to meet ya. You must be Dr Cake then. Pleasure." They shook hands then turned to Winston.

"Yeah man, and this is Winston 'Effort Man' Mistoffelees, Minister of Bass."

"Honoured. Nice one."

"So then", continued Cake, "Project X is on schedule?"

"No worries mate. It's gonna be pukka!"
The professor led them further into the hemp field, gradually ascending a sloping path, until they arrived at a small concrete block-house situated at the crest of a ridge. The sun was beginning to rise now and they could see the gently swaying fields of hemp falling away on either side of the ridge. He pointed out across the field and explained,
"A hundred thousand years ago, this place used to be an active volcano. Proper tasty like, lava an' stuff. You can just about make out the far side'a the crater if ya squint."
There was a rock outcropping barely visible as a darker grey smudge in the mist.
"And down there", Devo continued, now pointing at a small shack in the middle of the field, "is where our little experiment begins."

"Owww!", said Winston, as he stubbed his foot on a rock.
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Glerica
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Squire
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Secret Location

"Doctor Rogers, what is the damage?"

"Well as far as I can tell General, not much. We haven't suffered any backlash so far but the international situation is very..."

"What?"

"Well let me put in this way, for aliens to appear in the sky and threaten to destroy the world, and then the world to say this quiet about it, it's rather suspicious."

General Worstill looked down at his highly polished boots. He liked to polish things, it was his meditation. "I see what you mean. Step up to High Alert"

Jane sighed. These military types really can be quite stupid. "We're already at high alert General, ever since aliens appeared in the sky."

"Well go to a higher alert! Double security, get the splort fields back online, and have you worked out how to get past the disrupter yet?"

"I can get past anything sir, but for these disrupters I need to be at least near the damn thing. Something orbiting the earth is a little out of reach"

"Well just get to high alert anyway. We're still suspect number one and no one's pointed the finger.... and by finger I mean attack"

"Yeah, I sort of picked up on that one"
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disposablepuppetland
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Duke
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Dune Carolee, in the streets of Raspberry Fields - Channel Zero, Newz0r]

[Scenes of mass rioting in the background, missiles being hurled at armoured police, and occasional gunfire]

As you can see, the nation is making a smooth transition to Symyan rule, with most people gratefully accepting their future of humble servitude. Celebrations have been taking place throughout major cities and towns, but unfortunately a small minority of so-called citizens have marred the event with their disgraceful behaviour. Rioters clashed with police in and around government buildings and many had to be put down.
Police are urging citizens to stay in their homes until the threat has been eliminated.
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Aboard the flagship of the Symyano Fleet]

The disinformation campaign is performing flawlessly, exalted fleetmaster! Even though the signal broadcasts are complete gibberish they are achieving the desired effect! The petty nations of this world squabble with each other even in the face of our fleet.

That is excellent news but it does little to compensate for the loss of Alrabustt.

You speak truth, exalted one. It is unthinkable that there is a traitor to the Symyano Hegemony loose upon this world, and yet-

Yet, it is the only explanation for a number of incidents since our arrival... not least how much more technologically advanced this species has become since we launched the great yellow arc at this world!!!

I-it is as you say, your exaltedness! These primitive creatures could not possibly have been able to exploit the arc's technology without assistance!

Grr! Move this vessel into position over the city in which Alrabustt's avatar was destroyed! I will teach both Chonmiklatt and the verminous creatures of this world a lesson!
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Rhanukhani State News Network Late Night Bulletin]

Good evening viewers. The time is nine o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife bringing you the news all across England thanks to the Rhanukhan OrbiTech satellite communications network!

Tonight's main headlines:

Global Duplicity?: Evidence is coming to light that other nations around the world may also now be under the direct control of the Symyano Hegemony! Encrypted signals which the Rhanukhani Intelligence Agency are still struggling to translate are regularly being transmitted from ships of the Symyano Fleet to the government buildings of Glerica, New Drakensberg Range, Disposablepuppetland and United Idiocracy amongst others. Speculation is rife that the governments of these nations are collaborating, some more openly than others, with the invaders.

They're here!: Earlier reports have been confirmed that the Symyano vessel identified as Fleetmaster Boohubalss' flagship has moved into position over Rhanukhan city within the last half hour. Why is he here? Wha...

*static*
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Simultaneous broadcast on all of England's television and radio channels]

*static clears, revealing the wrinkled features of Fleetmaster Boohubalss*

THIS IS FLEETMASTER BOOHUBALSS OF THE SYMYANO HEGEMONY! I SEND THIS MESSAGE TO A SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL! CHONMIKLATT - WE KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! I CAN ONLY BELIEVE YOU HOLD SOME AFFECTION FOR THESE PITIFUL CREATURES. I WILL NOW TEST THIS THEORY. IF YOU DO NOT SURRENDER YOURSELF WITHIN ONE TURN OF THIS WORLD I WILL COMMENCE BOMBARDMENT OF THIS CITY BENEATH ME AND CONTINUE UNTIL IT HAS BEEN WIPED CLEAN OF LIFE! I KNOW YOU HEAR ME, CHONMIKLATT!

*static, followed by the return of scheduled programming*
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Rhanukhani State News Network Late Night Bulletin]

...e back? We are?

ahem! Well, there you have it viewers - Fleetmaster Boohubalss himself providing us with the answer... and more questions! Who is this "Chonmiklatt" and what has he done? Why has Rhanukhan been singled out? Was it a random decision or is there a connection? Let's go to Sophie Futon on the streets of Rhanukhan city for the opinion of the regular Rhanukhani citizen! Sophie?

"...uick! This way!!!"

Sophie? We don't seem to be getting any video... You're on the air... can you ask some passers by for their opinions?

*background noises of what is clearly a terrified mob*

"Into the van!... Forget it! We can get another camera later!"

*sounds of doors slamming, the cries and screams become more muffled*

erm... Sophie? No?

um...

Sophie Futon, live from Rhanukhan city! We'll be back with all the news, sport and tomorrow's weather right after this break...
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Somewhere in a secret location]

Mr Malachite! Have you seen the news? The Symyano have taken over several more countries!

No, they haven't... they couldn't have in such a short space of time - this is some kind of deception! Look - the signals are meaningless!

But... what? You've already cracked the Symyano codes?

Err... yes! This computer is the most advanced AI on the planet - it didn't take it long at all! I'm transmitting the appropriate information to the countries we know to be free still. We need to be organised and cohesive in the face of this threat. Now, tell me Professor - are all the GBI-2s in Glerica in position?

Yes - yes they are! The operation can go ahead on your command, Mr Malachite.

Good! We need to- what's this?

*Fleetmaster Boohubalss appears on the main monitor making his threat to Chonmiklatt*

Oh no! Alrabustt must have-

Alrabustt, Mr Malachite? Who is-

ah - nothing important, Professor - we need to do something about this threat to Rhanukhan!

Of course, Mr Malachite. And the Glerican operation?

It can wait a few hours, Professor - are we ready to fly?

You mean...?

Yes!

Well, the undermining is essentially complete... and we know that the Bananætherium is effective - the Starhawk tests proved that - but something of this size!

I've done the maths, Professor - there's no reason why not. Get everybody out of the mines - we're taking the fight to Boohubalss!!!
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Glerica
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Squire
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Glerican Splort Command

"Ok this is our chance people! We can prove to them that we aren't under Symyan control!"

"Our chance? Doing what?"

"We can start Aid-Splorting! Doctor! Evacuate the people out of Central Rhanukhan City by splorting them to the old Glerican Games City just outside Mattopia! Send Relief workers there to provide food, comfort and medical assistance if needed, OK?"

"General I don't really know if splorting people instantly out of the blast zones to a nation hundreds of miles away is a great plan... Won't they be disorientated?"

"Maybe, but it's better than being quote 'wiped clean of life'"

"Well Good point... Starting Splorting Procedures. I'll drop a line to the Rhanukhan Government to, letting them know what we're doing so they don't get all confused about their population disappearing."
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Somewhere in a secret location]

+++ATTENTION - SPLORT INITIALISATION SIGNAL DETECTED+++

What? Now??!! Where is it computer?

+++SPLORT SIGNAL SOURCE: GLERICA, TARGET: RHANUKHAN CITY+++

Rhanukhan? What are they playing at? Computer - put me through to the Supreme Chairman!

+++COMPLYING+++

"Malachite?! How did you-"

It doesn't matter, Your Resplendence - the Symyano agents in Glerica are-

"Wait a moment, Malachite - I have another call coming through."

No! Your- hnn!

*looped recording of the Rhanukhani national anthem plays*

Computer - are the mines cleared yet?

+++ESTIMATED TIME REMAINING: 55 MINUTES+++

Why is everything so slow?! Professor! The generators?

They are all functioning at full-

+++CALL RECONNECTED+++

"Malachite! That was the Glerican King - he tells me they're going to start splorting people out of Rhanukhan city to a safe loca-"

You can't trust him, Your Resplendence! He's clearly a Symyano infiltrator! It's all a ruse - you won't even know how many people he's taken once the flagship bombards the city!

"I know, Malachite! I do have intelligence advisors! But what can we do? There's no way to stop splorting!"

Actually, Your Resplendence - there is... Professor - transfer power from the levitation generators to the splort disrupter!

"Who are you talking to there, Malachite?!"

But, Mr Malachite - we won't be able to make the initial lift-off without full-

It'll have to wait for now! Hopefully the Glericans will stop trying before Boohubalss starts his bombardment! Computer!

+++AT YOUR COMMAND+++

I want the splort disrupter channelled through every OrbiTech satellite passing over Rhanukhan - don't let the splort beam through!
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Glerica
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[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Glerican Splort Command

"General, something very strange is happening..."

"What is it Doctor?"

"Well, for the first twenty seconds we were splorting fine, and given that splorting is instant and we have to wait for co-ordinates to be recalibrated we were able to get quite a few people out before..."

"How many people? And what do you mean before? Before what?"

"Well by the Bio-Scans, it seems we got around 15,000 people out of central Rhanukhan City before it just... stopped."

"Stopped? Those Symyans again?"

"Well its very similar to their dampening field if it isn't... You don't think that Rhanukhan has found a way to stop splorting do you?"

Professor George Concour looks up, mockingly "Of course not! It's impossible!"

"Obviously not George" Jane said, skimming through a couple of "Spyease" read-outs. "According to these, it seems that they've been aware of our Splorting long before we announced it... In fact they've got their own science investigating this whole banana business."

"What? Feeding it to monkeys to see if it tastes nice? Please. Glerican science is in the forefront. Always has been"

"Actually some of this is very advanced... Genetics mainly, some sort of splicing DNA... human cloning... advanced humans..."

"Human cloning?! Advanced Humans?! That's not possible!"

"Yeah, and neither was Teleportation, George. What's a GBI-2?"

"Hang on, I've heard that before... GBI-1 are soldiers, remember? Rhanukhan elite troops. There were rumours that they were-"

"-Super Humans?"

"Yeah... This could be very, very bad. How did we get this information?"

"Well before we started mass splorting, we got one of the Splort Agents in there, just to keep check on the situation. Far too small to be picked up by anything, but she came back with all this information. Logs and commands of some sort of central computer. We haven't had time to read it through yet."

"Which agent?"

"That old captain... Kelli Irving."
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Somewhere in a secret location]

+++ATTENTION - SPLORT SIGNAL DETECTED+++

Why are they still trying? Surely they must be convinced it's useless by now!

+++ATTENTION - SPLORT SIGNAL NEUTRALISED+++

Hn! Professor! How are the power plants?

They're holding up fine, Mr Malachite, but whilst we continue to divert power into the splort disrupter we don't have enough for launch!

And if we divert all power into the levitation generators who knows how many more citizens we'll lose whilst we get airborne? It's a catch 22!

If we could only gain access to the Glerican's splort command and destroy it.

oh, for - I'm a fool! We don't even need to destroy it, Professor!

We - we don't?

Not necessarily - it just needs to be offline whilst we break loose! Once we're up we won't need the full capacity of the power plants anymore and can activate the disrupter again!

But-

All we need is to disable the power source of the splort installation... we'll have to pull the GBI-2s off the other mission but this is more important right now! Computer - connect me to Agent Blue!
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disposablepuppetland
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Duke
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Kermorvan Liquid Fruit mining facility, DPL/Youngtung border]

"Hey Fred, you seen this order we got through?"

"What's up Smick?"

"This order: A 40 metre diameter hoop of refined BE ejecta ore. Width 1 metre. Must transcribe a perfect circle to an accuracy of 0.1mm.
How the hell are we gonna make that?"

"Well, we could send it through to the steel plant, they make stuff like this."

"Yeah but this stuff's a lot harder than steel."

"Better take it to him upstairs I guess."

Smick trudged upstairs to his boss's office and knocked on the door.

"Come."

"Beggin' your pardon sir..."

"Ah Mr. Smicker, what seems to be the problem?"

"Funny order we got. Might need to pass it on to the steel works we reckon." He placed the printout on the desk.

"Interesting...", the chief administrator leaned forward, eyes narrowing, as he examined the text, "...and where did this order come from?"

"West-Side National Bass, sir."

"Very interesting. Leave it with me Smicker."
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Glerica
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Squire
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Glerican Splort Command

"Well I'm stumped, I really am. For some unknown reason, Splorting is now not operational around the Rhanukhan City borders or on the Symyan Ships, We've found out that Rhanukhan has some seriously dangerous genetic developments going on, Half of our government and scientists have been found as aliens and terminated, NDR isn't responding about the rather large nuclear warhead that's a couple of miles underneath it's surface, and DPL has contacted us asking if they could have some help making a stupid loop of some sort!"

"What?"

"I don't know but I told them we're ever so slightly busy at the moment and can't possibly spare any time working out how to make a perfectly spherical hoop of metal."

That moment General Chinston Worstill walks into the room and dumps more files onto Jane's already overflowing desk.

"Doctor! Read these, they're the latest Rhanukhan computer logs that Irving swiped before coming back"

She picks them up wearily, she hasn't slept for coming 32 hours now and it's getting rather hard to concentrate. "Splort signals... Glerica... targets... What is this?"

"Read the last couple of commands"

"Levitation generators? Splorting Disruptors? How werre they able to track the Splort Signals? And what the hell is this about Take off?"

George looks up "It's rather easy to trace Jane, the ammount of energy needed for it"

"Still, I didn't think Rhanukhan was that technology active..."

"Was that before you found out they've developed full human cloning?"

Worstill stands up and thumps his fist on the desk, sending reports and laptops flying. It hurt, but he wasn't going to let anyone know about it. "I don't like this at all! We need action! Get Irving in here, we need to get her moving!"
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disposablepuppetland
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Duke
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Somewhere in northern West-Side]

Devo opened the door to the block-house and continued inside. Cake and Winston followed him down a fight of stairs into a large room filled with complex looking equipment.
"Most of the stuff's 'ere. That's the generators." Devo pointed at some large grey boxes. "Those are the lasers, obviously not in position yet. That's the positioning console, and over in that corner are the bananium canisters."

"How's the mineshaft going?" asked Cake.

"Sweet mate. The contractors finished up Wednesday. Sorted. Just waitin' on you now."

"Winston, you authorise that payment I sent you last week?"

"Yeah man, when's our dope arrivin'?"

"It's no dope, it's a rock Winston."

"Ah, I ain't done rocks in years man, that stuff don't agree wi' me."

"The material should be here within the week Professor."

"Nice one."

Cake looked puzzled for a moment, "So how'd you figure all this out anyway?"

"I was working as van driver for KLF, right, and I had a delivery of rock over to Glerica. Turns out it was some of that rock wot got blasted outa BE. I could tell from the smell, ya see, nothin' smells like that stuff. Anyways, when I arrives at the drop off in Glerica it's some fancy research lab, lots of white coats and clipboards, but none of 'em likes the heavy liftin', so I ends up carryin' the rocks down into the testing chamber for 'em. Soon as the rocks are in place they get down to business and they seem all excited about somethin' so I thought I'd 'av a butchers. Turns out they was splortin' stuff, an' guess what: It ain't nearly as complicated as they make out!
So I 'alf-inched a lump o'that rock an' gave it a go. Piece'a cake mate, any old Jeff could do it."

"So you ain't really a professor then?"

"Oh yeah, straight up. Got me PhD at Zangief uni in Cranbury. It's all kosher."

"But you were working as a van driver?"

"Yeah, I was on sabbatical."
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rhanukhan
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
[Somewhere in a secret location]

+++ATTENTION - SPLORT SIGNAL DETECTED+++

The GBI-2s must have failed! We're running out of time - I'm going ahead with this anyway!

+++ATTENTION - SPLORT SIGNAL NEUTRALISED+++

But Mr Malachite! The Glericans will start splorting Rhanukhani citizens as soon as we deactivate the disrupter!

Then we'll just have to make this as fast as possible, Professor - I was hoping to make it a slow, controlled event... ah well - I can apologise to those on the surface afterwards...

Mr Malachite?!

Shut down the splort disrupter - all power to the levitation generators!

Very well. Powerplants functioning at full capacity, Mr Malachite - all power diverted to the levitation generators.

+++ATTENTION - SPLORT SIGNAL DETECTED+++

I can't do anything about that now, Computer! Fire the charges! Let us see what the world thinks of this...
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Rutzatil
Peasant
[ *  *  * ]
Sargent Michael Quadrus looked at his squad. The best of the best of the best of the Rutzatilian Army.

"SQUAD, SQUAD-TION!"

The entire squad stood to attention as one man. The sound of the perfectly polished boots stamping in time would have reduced a lesser man to tears.

"Now, i don't know what all this splorting crap is about. All i know is the Rhanukhanis or the Glericans or whoever the hell it is are getting awful hostile in this region and I. Don't. Like it. You will go to the borders of this great nation and no-one will get in or out. You will not attack unless instructed to by myself. However, if you give an order to someone not a member of our armed force and they disobey. Shoot to kill. That understood? Any questions?"

As normal, the sqaud was silent. Each rank 5 men deep, each man 2 metres and an incredible specimen of biological engeneering.

Two huge personal carriers pulled up outside the gate of the parade square. The Sargent saw the doors open.

"When i dismiss you, collect your weapons, ammo, food and health pack rations and get in the trucks"

"SQUAD, DISSMISSED!"
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