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| The Great Banana Rush | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 17 2007, 07:27 PM (8,479 Views) | |
| Nivogal | Feb 4 2008, 02:53 PM Post #151 |
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Unregistered
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OOC: Gah I just lost my entire post Looks like the post will be coming later today mates /OOC :ph43r:
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| P-17 | Feb 4 2008, 06:01 PM Post #152 |
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Political Correctness Junkie
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P-17 would like to inform the nations of England that the huge explosion on the Isle of Lies was the result of an attempt to create banana superweapons. After a disastrous mishap, we are now abandoning weapons research and work is underway to develop a major port and holiday resort as infection seems to have left the western parts of BE largely unaffected. P-17 also regrets the course of action taken by UI against Disposablepuppetland. A number of P-17s numerous aid workers in the area have been dispatched to Raspberry Fields. |
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| rhanukhan | Feb 4 2008, 08:45 PM Post #153 |
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
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[Rhanukhani State News Network Evening Bulletin] Good evening viewers. The time is eight thirty and I'm Trent Butterknife. Tonight's headlines: Things Hotting Up in Lazarastra: Dwight Alabaster brings us the latest front-line reports from the liberation of the new colony where the fighting has become street-to-street in the provincial capital. P-17 Admits to Superweapon Development: The nation's leaders admit that the devastating explosion observed on the Isle of Lies last week was caused by an experimental Banana-based weapon system malfunctioning. Although they have denied plans for continued development, speculation is rife that the project has simply been driven further into secrecy. Stock Market Chaos: Traders have been counting the cost following yesterday's spectacular collapse of the UI's New Idiot. Luckily, with government support, the Rhanukhani economy escaped largely unscathed with certain firms - notably Rhanukhani ArmaTech - even managing to profit from the crisis. Can anything touch Constantine Malachite's incredible business success? Wendy Collander brings us the full report later in the programme. And finally: Meteorologists warn that the Yellow Fog which has been appearing in the deserts of southern ASXTC is definitely headed this way with the latest patches being sighted just a few miles from the border of Harghattoria province. All the news, sport and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break... |
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| rhanukhan | Feb 4 2008, 09:08 PM Post #154 |
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
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[Special Live Broadcast from Rhanukhani State News Network] (Image of Dwight Alabaster inside a large sealed tent, holding out the yellow fog. Rhanukhani personnel can be seen in the background being checked for banalite contamination) Hello and good evening viewers! Welcome to the provincial capital of Lazarastra where the liberation continues to rack up success after success! I'm reporting to you now from a position just one mile from the palace of "Queen Lucy" and her treacherous lackeys! (Image of Rhanukhani troops in the streets of Lazarastra's provincial capital, firing on Lazarastran forces behind improvised barricades, the ever present yellow fog swirling around) Our troops currently hold approximately a quarter of the city and are steadily advancing, forcing the Lazarastrans to fall back constantly. Air cover has been sporadic at best as the yellow fog is thickest here over the city but occasional Rhanukhani fighter-bombers have been making it through to take out major concentrations of the rebels. Most unusual, however, is the rumour of a curiously silent "phantom helicopter" reportedly observed entering the city from the east and a second unmarked helicopter, or perhaps the same one, again later heading back in that direction. Radar records for the area are unreliable due to the disruptive properties of the yellow fog and military officials are keen to downplay the significance of these sightings with no hard evidence to back them up. (Image switches to one of General Gravyboat with other officers, planning strategy) General Sebastian Gravyboat, leading the campaign, believes that our brave boys and girls will have secured the city and the self-appointed "queen" within the next 24 hours, after which we can expect the remaining Lazarastran armed forces to stand down and surrender, returning the colony to Rhanukhani control. Dwight Alabaster, Rhanukhani State News Network (Rhanukhani Expeditionary Force Camp, Lazarastra - 18:37, 04/02/08) |
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| rhanukhan | Feb 4 2008, 09:28 PM Post #155 |
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
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[Special Live Broadcast from Royal Lazarastran News Network] (Shakey camera footage of Sophie Futon in the streets of Lazarastra, evidence of combat taking place not too far behind her) um... Hello and good evening viewers - this is Sophie Futon, live from Lazarastra! er... woohooh! The ah... military exercises continue today with simulated - (explosion erupts from side street in the distance, a few Lazarastran troops sprint away across the junction and out of sight) um... street fighting... and... er... (machine gun fire can be heard) um... quick - run the video! (Footage of yellow skinned Lazarastran troops firing on convincingly equipped mock Rhanukhani soldiers) As you can see our ah... bold troops are prepared for anything the um... Rhanukhani oppress... oh... my... what is that?! (Footage reverts to shakey camera in the street, very convincing looking mock Rhanukhani APCs are thundering towards Sophie's position) Quickly now!... er... Her Beloved Majesty, Queen Lucy made an address to all Lazarastran citizens earlier today through her spokesman at the palace, assuring them that no Rhanukhani would ever set foot in Lazarastra and she would stand proudly beside her subjects as they faced down the invaders! (As usual, a montage of images of yellow skinned Lazarastran soldiers, sailors and airmen in their fine, yellow uniforms proudly displaying their hardware.) All hail her Beloved Majesty! erm... Stay tuned people - this is (huge explosion nearby, glass showers down from windows) - ah, forget i... (signal dissolves in static) Sophie Futon, Royal Lazarastran News Network (Lazarastra - 21:28, 03/02/08) |
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| rhanukhan | Feb 7 2008, 10:55 PM Post #156 |
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
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[Special Live Broadcast from Rhanukhani State News Network] (Image of Dwight Alabaster in an opulent hall decorated mostly in shades of yellow with a distinct banana motif everywhere. Squads of Rhanukhani soldiers can be seen searching rooms in the background) Hello and good evening viewers! You join me here in the provincial capital of Lazarastra but not just anywhere in the capital - oh no! I'm standing here in the palace of "Queen Lucy" herself! That's right - the liberation of Lazarastra is effectively complete. Our brave boys and girls now hold the entire capital and all land to the south! It won't be long now before we can expect to retake the desert regions to the north of the city and return the displaced colonists up there back to their homes. Unfortunately, however, the tyrannical "Queen Lucy" appears to have abandoned her ill-gotten queendom. Evidently she hasn't been seen in person for the last three days and none of the captured palace staff or troops have admitted to knowing her current location with the more fanatical followers claiming she has "become one with the great banana". Interrogations are ongoing and General Sebastian Gravyboat, who has boldly led this campaign from the start, is confident that we will have the cowardly, self-appointed "Queen" in our hands soon enough! (Image of Rhanukhani troops in the streets of Lazarastra's provincial capital, Lazarastran forces surrendering en masse, the ever present yellow fog swirling around) Once news of "Queen Lucy"'s flight spread throughout the city, Lazarastran troops immediatey began to down weapons and surrender to their Rhanukhani counterparts. Our brave boys and girls have been working around the clock today to set up enough POW camps to hold all the new detainees who can expect to be shipped back to Rhanukhan over the coming days. (Image switches back to the palace and Dwight Alabaster) Once again, viewers - today essentially marks victory in the operation to liberate Lazarastra, returning the colony to Rhanukhani control! Dwight Alabaster, Rhanukhani State News Network (Former Queen Lucy's Palace, Lazarastra - 22:56, 07/02/08) |
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| rhanukhan | Feb 7 2008, 11:08 PM Post #157 |
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
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[Rhanukhani State News Network Late Night Bulletin] Hello and good evening viewers. The time is eleven o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife. Tonight's headlines: Victory in Lazarastra: As you will no doubt have heard in earlier news flashes, our brave armed forces secured the provincial capital earlier today - Dwight Alabaster brings us the latest front-line reports. "Dilligence" Disaster Latest: The operation to retrieve the wreckage of the doomed space shuttle was stepped down today with the announcement that as much as was likely to be found was now on it's way to hangers at Stars Reach Space Centre in Istahni where a full investigation into the accident will be carried out. Jonathan Spatula brings us his report later in the programme. Stock Market Rumour: Word has leaked regarding an imminent announcement by Rhanukhani ArmaTech. It appears Constantine Malachite's on the verge of unveiling a cutting edge new product. Rumours of a connection to the recently rebranded GeneTech subsidiary - formerly RhanuGen - and the still secretive "Project: Golden Crescent" contract are rife. Wendy Collander brings us the full report and speculation later in the programme. And finally: Meteorologists are baffled by the sudden disappearance of the Yellow Fog which had been creeping across the deserts of southern ASXTC for the last few days. Where did it go? We talk to a leading scientist who believes he has the answers - stay tuned! All the news, sport and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break... |
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| rhanukhan | Feb 7 2008, 11:28 PM Post #158 |
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
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[Transmission intercepted by Rhanukhani National Security Agency - Internal Division] ........BI-X2's have served their purpose. W............etrieve them easily enou...............ey're back in Rhanuk.......................etting all that raw material go to waste! It w.........ity that we los.............e GBI-X1 models in th......................ebacle at Alph...............st! Indeed, Mr M................... When wi.....................vealling the first production mod...............umours have already started. Soon enough Prof....................ust you are satisfi.............ur new facilitie..................he very best money can buy! Yes - I noti...............quisition of the company ea..................ertain they will be worth every khong you pai..................m Excellent! Ho...............efore the first batch of GBI2's is re........ ...st as the developers announc...............pleted model can be produced in fo................f the world is shocked by your upcoming unveili..............BI1 imagi........................onse to the GBI2! ........ill be a great day - Rha.........................ch will have totally cor...................apons market! ...and it's all tha.............u Pr...................ect to be richly rewar......... [Signal lost] |
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| Glerica | Feb 7 2008, 11:37 PM Post #159 |
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Squire
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B-Base 4 Announcement: Research Department Analysis is ongoing of the Banalite problem, it seems that everytime we even come close to a possible cure, it goes and shifts it's DNA into something we've never even bloody seen before. Still, I suppose one of the best things we've came up with is the disposal of the banana fog. Accourding to our research it's nothing like natural fog... highly suspicious if you ask me, almost seems man-made... Anyway, after several weeks of research we've created a chemical compound called Hexifluoridiniumtrexyfexymoxytroxydoxide, or BANANA-B-GONE (BBG) iff you want it's common name. It's a chemical spray that repels the banalite virus. Now BBG is not safe to put directly onto human skin or clothing, because it will... well, it'll corode it away at very alarming speeds. Anyway, I suppose its good to put on buildings, vehicles, aircraft, that sort of thing so you can effectively create a "safe place" if a fog or core sample becomes lose or if you get attacked. Research is ongoing for a human form of BBG. This product is strictly Glerican until the Office of Trade deems it appropriate to hit the international market. However, stocks of BBG will be shipped to DPL as form of aid and a gesture of goodwill. Dr. H Monkeyman Head Researcher at B-Base 4 |
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| United Idiocracy | Feb 8 2008, 10:15 PM Post #160 |
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Squire
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Press conference at UI Ministry of Defence by Defence Secretary Ron Bacardi![]() This image shows the UIS Blubber, which earlier today intercepted a DPL shipping vessel carrying Banalite contaminated KLF products 120 miles south of Port Stoopid. It was heading towards NDR at the time. The crew were given time to evacuate to lifeboats, after which the ship was sunk. The DPL crew are now being held in strict isolation, having been towed back to UINB Port Stoopid. The following picture, from the IDIOT1 spy satellite, shows the KLF production facility prior to our recent attack: ![]() It can clearly be seen that the target was a production facility for Musa related liquids. Further satellite imagery has shown that all production facilities, along with the research, admin and distribution parts of the operation have been put beyond use. We absolutely refute the baseless claims that a hospital and medical research facility was hit. We also state that we were forced into action following DPL's complete disregard for the warnings issued about the KLF products by the Glerican government. The responsibility for any casualties lie squarely at the feet of the DPL government. We are also extremely concerned by the Rhanukhani Governments plan to remove infected personnel from FBE to Rhanukhan. It is the opinion of the UI government that DPL and especially Rhanukhan present a clear and present danger to the other nations of England, and seem determined to accelerate the spread of this virus around the region. We appeal to other nations of England, particularly NDR and Glerica, to join us in our quest to prevent the spread of this virus by rogue nations. NDR acted bravely on destroying its Alpha Outpost to prevent outside contamination, and many NDR souls were lost in the attempt. These will have been lost in vain of Rhanukhan is allowed to transport the infected outside FBE. We eagerly await their response, and hope we do not have to act unilaterally to protect England. |
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| rhanukhan | Feb 9 2008, 10:59 PM Post #161 |
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
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[Rhanukhani State News Network Late Night Bulletin] Hello and good evening viewers. The time is eleven o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife. Tonight's headlines: Lazarastran Mystery: Dwight Alabaster brings us a curious report from the newly liberated colony. GeneTech Rumour Response: Following days of rumours and speculation, the recently rebranded GeneTech subsidiary of Rhanukhani ArmaTech have announced an innovative new product launch. The official launch is tomorrow and will be made by none other than RA's chairman, Constantine Malachite himself! The fact that the guest list is filled with leading Rhanukhani Military Officials has only fuelled speculation that this is indeed connected to the "project: Golden Crescent" contract. Wendy Collander brings us the full report later in the programme. And finally: Although weakened by recent economic sanctions, terrorist state United Idiocracy continues to spread it's messages of hate, fear and intolerance, poisoning the airwaves of England! What should you do if somebody you know is really an Idiotic Sympathiser? Find the answer to that and many other pressing concerns in tonight's special feature at the end of the programme. All the news, sport and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break... |
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| rhanukhan | Feb 9 2008, 11:23 PM Post #162 |
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
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[Special Live Broadcast from Rhanukhani State News Network] (Image of Dwight Alabaster, wearing a protective environmental suit, in an eerily quiet refugee camp surrounded by desert, Rhanukhani personnel can be seen in the background, kicking open doors and shouting "Clear!" The ever present yellow fog seems to be thinner than usual) Good evening viewers! Over the last couple of days our brave boys and girls here in Lazarastra have been completing the liberation, reclaiming the desert regions in the north of the colony. As before, in the provincial capital following the news of the disappearance of "Queen Lucy" who's whereabouts remain unknown at present, Lazarastran troops have immediately surrendered when confronted with their Rhanukhani counterparts. These troops have been transported back to the POW camps springing up around the Lazarastran capital, prior to being shipped back to dedicated facilities in Rhanukhan over the coming days. Now that our brave boys and girls have reclaimed the colony, however, a mystery has presented itself. The colonists of the southern towns, shipped out just ahead of our arrival and presumably to camps here in the north like the one you see behind me appear to have vanished! According to statistics based on the number of new colonists selected by lottery to live here last year combined with the number presumed lost when they had the misfortune to be visiting the Alpha Outpost at the time of NDR's attack, there should have been in the region of 1,715,400 civilians out here in the desert yet all we have encountered is the last of the Lazarastran military units. General Sebastian Gravyboat, recently promoted to Provincial Governor of Lazarastra following confirmation of the death of his predecessor: Governor General Reese Tumbledryer, has already made the locating of these citizens and workers a top priority, stating that: "1,700,000 people can't simply vanish!" Expect full reports on this intriguing development over the coming days. Dwight Alabaster, Rhanukhani State News Network (Northern Lazarastra - 23:23, 09/02/08) |
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| rhanukhan | Feb 10 2008, 12:03 AM Post #163 |
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
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[Telegram from the Rhanukhani Foreign Office] His Resplendence, the Supreme Chairman would like to thank our friends in the Fruitbowl Alliance for their ongoing support during these trying days and hopes that you all recognise the deluded rantings coming out of United Idiocracy for the unashamed propaganda that they are. Naturally, he believes you will all stand alongside him in denouncing the terrorist state of UI and uphold the existing trade and economic sanctions in place against this most dangerous enemy of freedom. Best regards, Allistair Ballustrade - Rhanukhani Foreign Minister |
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| rhanukhan | Feb 10 2008, 10:07 PM Post #164 |
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
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[GeneTech Product Launch, Constantine Malachite addresses leading Rhanukhani military officials, prominent businessmen and women, journalists and the usual assortment of celebrities trying to grab a few column inches.] *Constantine Malachite steps out onto the stage in front of a big presentation screen, he has become a figure of great respect over recent months and the hubbub of the audience dies down swiftly as he casts his gaze across them* Welcome ladies and gentlemen to a new era! *The big presentation screen lights up, displaying a montage of footage of military operations* In these dangerous times war and conflict are becoming increasingly common. Our own brave troops have just recently achieved a phenomenal success in Lazarastra and even now have to be prepared for more danger with threats rising from terrorist states like the UI. Our armed forces are certainly brave and resourceful, ever ready to sacrifice themselves for the good of Rhanukhan, but they are still human beings... with human failings... families who will be devastated if they fall to the sniper's bullet... equipment that must be bought and wages that must be paid... *comical wink towards the accountants in the audience, a chuckle goes up* But what if your soldiers and sailors and airmen weren't hampered by these problems? What if your personnel didn't need expensive body armour because their skin was naturally bulletproof? What if they obeyed your every order and never asked for payment in return, no matter the task? And what if your troops were capable of continually recruiting new colleagues in the field? Comrades who shared their ideals and followed the same orders and also never asked for anything in return? *Audience beginning to lean forward with interest* Where could you possibly hope to recruit such a force? This dream army? I can tell you where! *Constantine pauses for dramatic effect, a couple of voices can be heard whispering "Where?" in the ensuing silence* GeneTech, Rhanukhan's leading genetic research concern, can now bring you... *footage cuts to GeneTech logo above the words "Project: Golden Crescent" and a cloud of dry ice swirls across the stage behind Constantine, the sound of marching feet can be heard getting louder* ...the GBI-1! *Constantine steps aside with a flourish of his arm. From the swirling dry ice cloud a yellow, genderless, naked, humanoid figure with tough, reinforced, yet totally flexible skin steps forward. As the mist settles down the audience can see it is one of a hundred identical figures, brandishing heavy assault rifles and marching on the spot in perfect synchronicity.* The GeneTech Banana Infantryman - Type 1 is the future of war, ladies and gentlemen! *The audience erupts into thunderous applause, drowning out the continuing sound of the marching GBI-1s. Constantine stands upon the stage soaking it all up for a couple of minutes before gesturing for silence, with a single word he commands the GBI-1s to cease their march and come to attention.* The GBI-1 is superior to the standard human serviceman in every way. It can be trained for any profession in the army, navy, air fleet or orbital defence force. We take great pride in our intense combat education and training programs. *Footage of a parade ground, huge numbers of GBI-1s are marching and drilling in flawless formation* This group was brought up to current standards in just three days! *Murmurs of "Impossible!" and "Amazing!" can be heard from the audience* It's skin is as flexible as your own yet can resist intense heat or cold, severe impact damage... even... *Constantine produces a pistol from his inside pocket, causing security guards across the room to reach for their own weapons and swiftly position themselves in front of their charges. Constantine adopts a mock innocent expression, as if it had never occurred to him that his display would generate such a response. He then chuckles and points his weapon directly at the nearest GBI-1 and fires, hitting the yellow figure in the head and sending it sprawling.* ...even bullets! How many of your personnel can make that boast? hmm? *The floored GBI-1 stands and retakes it's position amongst it's comrades, a dark bruise showing on the side of it's smooth head. The audience applauds again.* A new adult GBI-1 can be grown from scratch, thanks to our patented growth acceleration process, in just four weeks, ladies and gentlemen, and you'll find they are totally obedient, taking any order without question. Yet unlike a machine, the GBI-1 maintains a level of creative thought similar to that of your current, old-fashioned human serviceman! *The screen shows the interior of a huge GeneTech factory, tanks containing embryonic GBI-1s fill the walls, maturing yellow figures can also be observed undergoing rigourous training to ensure peak physical development before being given specific training appropriate to their future function within the military. Inspectors in white lab coats are seen everywhere, ensuring the process runs smoothly.* But this isn't the only way to fill your ranks with GBI-1s, ladies and gentlemen - oh no! Once your initial order of GBI-1s arrives, some of you may be lucky enough to find you never need to place another order again! *The audience, particularly the accountants, perks up at this suggestion* One of the GBI-1's most innovative features is it's ability to pass it's own genetic structure into a regular human target, usually through a bite although there is also a secondary delivery system available. *At this cue the GBI-1s on stage all grin, exposing rows of razor sharp teeth. The screen begins to show an animated diagram of the transfer process.* Contained in the salivary glands of the GBI-1 is a complex organic chemical we call CBV301 developed by our head scientist, Professor Beatrice Wardrobe - who sadly can't be with us tonight, which shares many genetic traits with the GBI-1 itself. Once admitted into the bloodstream of a victim, it swiftly attacks the nervous system and progresses rapidly to the brain where it erases the higher brain functions, supplanting them with a copy of the GBI-1's current instructions and training. Et voila - instant loyal new trooper! Over the course of the following 24 hours the CBV301 reworks the rest of it's target's body, enhancing bone, muscle, organs and of course, the signature yellow skin - creating a brand new GBI-1! Our free gift to you - GeneTech's valued customer! And speaking of customers, it gives me great pleasure to announce that the first batch of GBI-1s is, as I speak, being shipped to army bases in Rhanukhan and the new colony of Lazarastra! One million, seven hundred thousand units are boarding Aerocarriers and APCs and preparing for their first missions - defending your freedom, your families... and your bank balance! *audience laughs and erupts into a standing ovation. Constantine nods at the lead GBI-1 and the squad begins marching on the spot again, adding to the thunderous applause as Rhanukhani ArmaTech's chairman opens his arms wide and receives the adulation* |
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| United Idiocracy | Feb 10 2008, 11:08 PM Post #165 |
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Squire
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M E M O R A N D U M - T O P S E C R E T From: UI Department of Internal Security To: General Foolery's Office Subject: Report on Current Security State of UI Importance: MOST URGENT General Synopsis: Economic sanctions against UI are starting to bite. There are now fuel shortages in most areas, leading to severe queues at petrol stations, etc. There have also been some blackouts, although these have been limited to small areas and should not re-occur, provided moth-balled coal plants are brought back online. Food shortages have not yet occured to any degree, but reserves are starting to run down. Shortages of raw materials, particularly metals, and to a lesser degree paper, may affect manufacturing industry in 1/2 weeks. Civil Situation: Generally Calm, although very tense, particularly in Southern Idiocracy (SI). Agreement with Government foreign policy strongest in north, diminishes rapidly as you travel South. May be problems when fuel runs out, and if food shortages begin. Recommendations: Resources: recommend immediate re-starting of Coal power stations, to utilise home-mined coal. Other materials should be directed as priorities dictate. A programme of food rationing should be put in place to prevent catastrophic shortages in the future. Civil Defence: At the moment the police can handle any small scale demonstrations, however, the situation is likely to deteriorate quickly, particularly in the event of food shortages. Recommend Home Guard units put on alert, and deployed in South. Regular units also put on alert. Recommend available resources channeled to military/police units to maintain loyalty. UI Internal Security service also to round-up and interrogate known demonstrators. Should also consider the immediate imposition of Marshall Law, particularly in SI. Other: Recommend immediate broadcast to nation, informing them of the success of foreign policy, and that other nations are rallying to our cause. Also recommend direct dialogue with possible friendly governments (NDR? - recommend issuing apology for downed aircraft and payment of reparations). * * * * * E N D O F R E P O R T* * * * * |
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| rhanukhan | Feb 11 2008, 01:20 AM Post #166 |
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
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[Special Live Broadcast from Rhanukhani State News Network] To mark his 32nd birthday, our glorious leader, His Resplendence, the Supreme Chairman has declared a day of national celebration. There will be a lavish parade of Rhanukhan's military might during which all foreign dignitaries in the country will prostrate themselves before His Resplendence, the Supreme Chairman at a special ceremony at midday under the Golden Balcony at the Palace of the Dedicated Worker. Rhanukhani citizens will be expected to work the traditional unpaid full 24 hours, thus boosting our economy to honour the occasion. Compliance is mandatory. Happy Birthday your Resplendence! Jonathan Spatula, Rhanukhani State News Network (Rhanukhan - 01:20, 11/02/08) OOC: yep, it really is my birthday today This news report is only slightly altered from the first time I announced my birthday in the main jolt forum back in 2005 - Dwight Alabaster was the reporter back then (working for RBC News24!) and the thread even contains the first ever mention of Rhanukhani ArmaTech - how's that for continuity?
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| New Drakensberg Range | Feb 12 2008, 10:40 PM Post #167 |
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Lord
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Article printed in one of NDR's underground newspapers After a period of time since the military took over the administration of the country, opposition to the new regime has crumbled. It is believed that the new government will be able to enact its aggressive policies. Unless a stand is taken against the fascists, then NDR will soon be engaged in a war. |
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| Glerica | Feb 13 2008, 12:35 AM Post #168 |
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Squire
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OOC: This post has been deleted by me, I didn't want this story to continue xD |
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| disposablepuppetland | Feb 13 2008, 02:03 AM Post #169 |
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Duke
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[Article in The Mob - 12th Feb 2008] [dohtml]<table border=0 width="90%"><tr><td align="center"><font size="+2"><b>BUNCH OF IDIOTS!!</b></font> <br><br><font size="-1">The final death toll from the Idiocracy attack has now been confirmed as 2010. Rescuers have finished searching the rubble, and all workers and hospital patients have been accounted for. This disgraceful attack now ranks as the worst disaster ever to befall Disposablepuppetland. </font></td></tr></table>[/dohtml] [dohtml] <table border=0 width="90%"><tr><td align="center"><IMG src="http://web.archive.org/web/20070317121035/http://eyeball-series.org/hemel-010.jpg"></IMG></td><td align="center"><IMG src="http://web.archive.org/web/20070317121035/http://eyeball-series.org/hemel-007.jpg" height="340"></IMG></td></tr> <tr><td align="center"><center><i>The ruins of St. Cammy's Hospital</i></center></td><td><center><i>Many nearby homes were also destroyed</i><center></td></tr></table> [/dohtml] [dohtml]<table border=0 width="90%"><tr><td align="center"><font size="-1">The government has instigated sanctions and crippled Idiocracy's economy, but that hasn't stopped the attacks. Yesterday we learned that another peaceful DPL cargo ship was sunk by the Idiotic Navy. In response the government has entered into negotiations with the Nivogal Navy to supply 24-hour protection for the DPL coast and commercial shipping. As yet the specifics of the contract are unknown, including what it will cost. <br><br> Is this enough though?? Do we not want revenge for our men, women and children callously slaughtered by a devious and cowardly enemy?<br><i>THE MOB</i> SAYS <b>YES!</b><br>WE DEMAND WAR!!!!1 BURN THE FILTHY DOGS OF IDIOCRACY!!!11ONE1!</font><br><br> <IMG src="http://www.foxnews.com/images/root_images/102206_baghdad_wounded2.jpg"></img><br><i>Unrelated stock photo included for emotional effect</i></td></tr></table><br>[/dohtml] |
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| New Drakensberg Range | Feb 13 2008, 03:16 PM Post #170 |
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Lord
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Captain Roger Terturna, commanding the Emergence, an NDR cargo ship, is on the bridge of his ship. The Emergence is located 17 miles west of the United Idiocracian coastline. The captain witnessed, about half an hour ago, an NDR warship pass his ship. The warship was travelling in the opposite direction, towards a DPL ship. The radio operator, sitting by a radio, then turns towards the captain. "Captain, I am picking up increased radio chatter. Looks like something's happened approximately 20 miles from our position." "What's being said?" replied the captain. "Hard to say. I am hearing where this suituation is occuring, but not much else. I'll try to pick one transmission out" answered the operator. "Hold on" said the operator. "Got something." The operator then spends several seconds listening to the transmission. "Captain, you had better listen to this." The captain takes the headphones, and listens: many injured. What is left of the crew is proceeding to lifeboats. There is a fuel leak near a fire that has erupted near the bow. We need assistance. Repeat, this is the DPL cargo ship Enlightening. We have been attacked by an NDR warship. Many injured... The Captain puts down the headphones rapidly on a table. He exclaims "Set new course, bearing 60 degrees, full speed ahead. We're getting the hell out of Dodge before DPL can respond." |
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| United Idiocracy | Feb 13 2008, 08:42 PM Post #171 |
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Squire
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M E M O R A N D U M - T O P S E C R E T From: UI Department of Internal Security To: General Foolery's Office Subject: Updated Report on Current Security State of UI Importance: MOST URGENT General Synopsis: Situation deteriorating. Fuel reserves almost depleted, remaining distributed to military and emergency services. Food reserves beginning to run low. Raw materials now critical in many areas. Electricity supplies now secure. Civil Situation: Becoming critical. Small disturbances occuring frequently. Worsened due to UI's early exit from the ECC. International Situation: Foreign Office update should be with you, however, to summarise, DPL have adopted an agressive stance following our attack on KLF facility - persisting to claim hospital was hit. Recent broadcasts from Rhanukhan of grave concern, may require further unilateral action. Recommendations: Need to break economic sanctions, possibly by further offensive action. DPL's threats of war groundless - they have requested Nivogalese naval support for merchant shipping, indicating limited military potential. Also, they have not even negotiated for the transfer of quarantined cargo ship crew. Sketchy reports of NDR attacking DPL merchant ship. This could prove helpful... Civil Defence: Recommend immediate deployment of all army units, to prevent any breakdown in law and order. Demonstration ringleaders gone to ground, roundup failed to stop escalation. * * * * * E N D O F R E P O R T* * * * * |
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| United Idiocracy | Feb 13 2008, 09:19 PM Post #172 |
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Squire
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MESSAGE FROM GEN TOM FOOLERY, PRESIDENT UNITED IDIOCRACY TO HIS EXCELLENCY FIELD MARSHALL ROTINGNER, LEADER, NEW DRAKENSBERG RANGE Sir, May I first congralute you on your success removing the corrupt civilian government of NDR and replacing it with a far more robust organisation. I would also like to thank the NDR military for their efforts, and sacrifices, in attempting to contain the Banalite virus which is threatening to destroy England is we know it. The time is now right for United Idiocracy to offer a full and unreserved apology to NDR for the destruction of the flight carrying NDR General Longwater over UI airspace. Although we reserve the right to defend our sovereign borders, we accept in this case we acted too hastily, as the flight was unlikely to have been contaminated with the Banalite Virus. As a mark of our apology, we offer the people of NDR an immediate gift of 10 million Idiots, followed by a subsequent payment of 20 million Idiots when ecomnomic conditions deem this possible. We believe our two great nations must work together to stop those nations intent on spreading this virus throughout England. We are sure other nations agree with us, and we must work together to achieve our common goal. I eagerly await your thoughts. Yours, General Tom Foolery President, United Idiocracy |
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| New Drakensberg Range | Feb 13 2008, 09:36 PM Post #173 |
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MESSAGE FROM FIELD MARSHALL ROTINGNER, LEADER, NEW DRAKENSBERG RANGE TO HIS EXCELLENCY GEN TOM FOOLERY, PRESIDENT UNITED IDIOCRACY Sir, the New Drakensberg Range government would like to thank United Idiocracy for their actions, both regarding their attempts to contain the Banalite virus, and to amend the shooting down of General Longwater's plane. Due to these actions, New Drakensberg Range is preparing to sail a convoy of supply ships to your country. It will carry food, medical supplies, coal e.t.c. Please request any specific resources that your country is lacking as a result of the blockade. Thank you. Field Marshall Rotinger Supreme Head, New Drakensberg Range |
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| United Idiocracy | Feb 13 2008, 09:43 PM Post #174 |
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MESSAGE TO NDR FROM UNITED IDIOCRACY We thank you dearly for the offer of aid, and we accept gladly. We are in desperate need of crude oil rather than coal, as the Western Idiocracy coalfields render us self-sufficient in this resource, but any help at this time is very welcome. We are in your debt. Many thanks for your assistance. Gen T Foolery President, UI |
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| Glerica | Feb 13 2008, 09:46 PM Post #175 |
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Article from Glerican Herald DIPLOMACY TALKS TO DPL After brutal attacks against DPL by UI, the Glerican government asked for several of DPL top diplomats for a meeting. Although no official announcement has been made, many political analysists are presuming that this could lead to a possible alliance or defensive pact on the banana front, with the government fearing possible conflict in the area. The so-called "government" of NDR (who have still not appoligised for the sinking of the GMS Liberation) have announced their intention to ally with UI just days after UI's attack on a civilian hospital in central DPL resulting in the death of hundreds. "It was a disgusting attack" announced the foreign affiars minister yesterday outside the Palace. "It was a hospital for goodness sake! I mean, I would have understood if it was like, a hospital for like bombs which have "Next stop: UI" written on them, but it wasn't! It was like a proper hospital for sick people and that, you know?" In retaliation to these attacks, the Glerican government has already enacted trade and economic embargoes on both United Idiocracy and NDR, with reports coming in that there is severe civil dissobediance due to lack of food, duel and sombreros. The government announced that they are awaiting DPL's reply. |
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| New Drakensberg Range | Feb 13 2008, 09:58 PM Post #176 |
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Statement issued by the government of NDR to the international community Reports at this time suggest that an NDR warship has sunk a DPL cargo ship. The NDR government states that this act was not, I repeat, not authorised by the military or the new government. Our forces were ordered to prevent ships carrying Banalite-contaminated materials from reaching the coastline of any country. It does not appear that the DPL cargo ship was close enough to a coastline to warrant the use of force. The NDR government wishes to apologise for the act. A task force of cruisers and destroyers has been sent to capture the rogue warship, indentified as the cruiser Archlandingal. So far, the ship has not responded to any transmission that we have sent to it since the sinking was reported. The NDR government is willing to pay reperations to DPL. However, the quarantine against Banalite-contaminated materials will continue. Force will be used if any ship carrying said materials reaches within 5 miles of a coastline. NDR will also be sending a supply convoy to United Idiocracy. If the supply convoy is interfered with, NDR will consider that the region who has interfered has committed an act of war. NDR wishes to also stress that we believe that United Idiocracy's destruction of the hospital was an accident. What possible benefit could United Idiocracy gain from blowing up a hospital? They only make themselves look like murderers, and ruins their international reputation, as well as provide a reason for opposition to mount against the country. New Drakensberg Range will not bow to down to Glerica's blockade. |
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| Glerica | Feb 13 2008, 10:07 PM Post #177 |
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Unknown Broadcast - Somewhere in Alpha Outpost It's on! Right, I don't know how long this will last, but here... it's Captain Kelli Irving... part of the Liberation? Or what used to be i anyway... anyone there? Its deadly quiet here, there is just me and the 18 of us on the landing party minus the two we... lost. If anyone... ANYONE is out there please contact the abandoned airport at Alpha Outpost... we'll be there... we need... [Broadcast disrupted] |
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| United Idiocracy | Feb 13 2008, 10:10 PM Post #178 |
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MESSAGE TO NATIONS IN SOUTH-EAST ENGLAND (FORTHAMPTON, OTHIMSKAD) We are sure you have been following the events that have been unfurling across England recently, and UI respects your decision to appear neutral at this time. However, the time for indecision has past. We must act collectively to ensure the safety of allour citizens. Working together we can successfully persue a peaceful resolution to this dire situation. The alternative does not bear thinking about. Forthampton, Othimskad, together with NDR and UI need to forge a strong alliance NOW! President T Foolery United Idiocracy |
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| rhanukhan | Feb 13 2008, 10:21 PM Post #179 |
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Halfway 'twixt Mars and Venus
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[Rhanukhani State News Network Late Evening Bulletin] Good evening viewers. The time is ten o'clock and I'm Trent Butterknife. Tonight's main headlines: Storm in a Fruitbowl: Following New Drakensberg Range's decision to aid the terrorist nation of United Idiocracy, His Resplendence, the Supreme Chairman made the shock threat to withdraw Rhanukhan from the Fruitbowl Alliance! We bring you exclusive footage of today's monumental speech. Lazarastran Expansion: Dwight Alabaster brings us his report on the latest development in our recently reclaimed colony. ArmaTech Goes From Strength to Strength: Following the revelation of their new GBI-1s, Rhanukhani ArmaTech shares have reached a record high. Constantine Malachite has already hinted at greater things to come, however - Wendy Collander brings us the full report later in the programme. And finally: Meteorologists report that the yellow fog, present over Lazarastra throughout the past few weeks has almost entirely cleared although observations from the Rhanukhani State Space Station confirm that patches of it can still be observed throughout the Sea of Regret. All the news, sport and tomorrow's weather coming right after this break... |
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| New Drakensberg Range | Feb 13 2008, 10:31 PM Post #180 |
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Statement made by the NDR government to the government of Rhanukhan The government of NDR wishes to remind Rhanukhan that a signatory of the treaty which created the Fruitbowl Alliance must give 15 days notice before they are legally no longer a member of the alliance. During the next 15 days, the government of NDR hopes that an arrangment can be reached. United Idiocracy is not a nation full of terrorists. |
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Looks like the post will be coming later today mates /OOC :ph43r:




![]](http://z4.ifrm.com/static/1/pip_r.png)



This news report is only slightly altered from the first time I announced my birthday in the main jolt forum back in 2005 - Dwight Alabaster was the reporter back then (working for RBC News24!) and the thread even contains the first ever mention of Rhanukhani ArmaTech - how's that for continuity?



2:14 PM Jul 11