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Emotional Boundaries; How to modulate emotional boundaries
Topic Started: Dec 17 2016, 12:39 PM (115 Views)
Seekingmybalance
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A person in my life commented yesterday to me that he used to be the one with the boundaries and the tables have turned, that I have now put up my own walls with him. There are justifiable reasons (his words) for this within our relationship. However, I began to consider what walls I put up with everyone and why. I've tried to be as open as possible with everyone in my life whom I care about. I don't want walls between us. And yet, there was also a point in my life not too long ago at which I was just fully open without boundaries with EVERYONE. It got out of hand. I felt like I could never close my heart from others' pain or emotions, even when I wanted to. This was especially noticeable on the dance floor.

How do you moderate the opening of your heart? Do you have all kinds of walls at first with everyone and then gradually let them down? If so, how do you ever connect with someone up front? Or is that not the point? If you start without walls and then put them up when someone has proven untrustworthy, doesn't it become harder to close the door because you're already connected and desiring them in your life? Even if they prove they maybe shouldn't be? Where is the middle ground?

Additional Information: I believe I'm an empath and this contributes to my difficulties with making emotional boundaries, especially with nuance. I could use some help in continuing to find a healthy balance.
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EmoUnavailable
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First Reply!!
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MrSmith

I personally am not an empath. But I would imagine that with high levels of emotional empathy, you would need to be even more careful than the average person when it comes to opening your heart and letting people share their struggles and feelings with you.

I myself will often seek to be very guarded when meeting new people, and slow to get to know those around me - as well as slow letting them get to know me. If someone cares about you and is genuinely interested in you, then they will take the time and effort to get to know you. I once had a very close friend who was even more shy and guarded than myself. I spent years talking to her and getting to know her. When she finally did open up to me, I felt very privileged - as if I was privy to some well kept secret. It was a sense of accomplishment. Some of the most wonderful people take time to get to know. I put in the time and effort to get to know this friend of mine, and it was well worth it. If someone ISN'T willing to put in a little time and effort to get to know you, maybe they're not very interested in being your friend in the first place?

The drawback to being guarded and taking time to get to know people is that its often difficult to find a meaningful connection up front. I'm not as quick to make friends as many other people are. But the friends that I do make are people I am genuinely close to and they are in my life for a long, long time. I'm 27 years old and I've known my oldest friend for 19 years!

As for forming connections initially with new people, sometimes the conversation might be superficial at first. Getting to know me for instance, you'll find I am a big movie buff. I have no qualms with revealing that I really enjoy great films. While that might not be some kind of deep revelation about the depths of my soul and my personality - it provides an opportunity to connect with people and have a discussion.

Most people we meet are ordinary, decent human beings. But the hard fact is that some people we meet will be negative, unhealthy influences in our day-to-day lives. Some amount of boundaries are necessary just to protect ourselves from those unhealthy influences. If we are too trusting, we risk inviting unhealthy influences into our lives and we could pay the price. I'll leave it to those reading my post to decide whether my assessment is pessimistic or merely pragmatic.
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EmoUnavailable
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OK, but serious reply now.

I find myself sensitive to other's emotions and frequently enough overwhelmed by what I should do with them (see my started topic Emotional Expectations). Being empathetic and a habitual overthinker has taught me to baton down the hatches, so I suppose at this point I come from the opposite angle most of the time.

In the ideal world everyone would respect each other for the simple, beautiful beings we are. Buddhism works to point this out, as well as wonderful works by modern bloggers like Mark Manson. But this is not an ideal plane of existence (that we have constructed, another topic) and boundaries of all types exist to help us show others (that are paying attention) that they are disrespecting our bubbles.

My personal boundary goal involves being completely open and also completely unattached to the people I interact with. A perfect sympathetic, per se. Experiencing the flow of a being's emotional state is wonderful and not having to do something about it, but letting it be as it will, express itself and move on is an unusual and infrequently taught talent. We have been trained to coddle, satisfy, ignore and smother ours and other's expressions: to do something about them, because nobody likes a loud baby.

But first I must learn to be completely open to myself, my expressions and how little I have to do about them. If anybody has any recommendations on this topic, I am all eyes.
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Seekingmybalance
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MrSmith- I have two comments/questions for you: 1) Intuition can keep us away from negative people. Listening to that can generally avoid issues of personal safety if that is the concern. 2) Is protecting ourselves something we should strive for? Is it not true that we learn things about ourselves and others every time we are hurt? Is hurting even something we should prevent ourselves from?

EmoUnavailable- Similar things in reference to the above. If we are entirely open, we are exposing ourselves to possible hurt. But the hurt is oftentimes from the attachment we have placed on whatever it is being a certain way- isn't that what are you saying? It's hard to feel hurt about something you were never attached to existing in a specific way in your life.
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MrSmith

"First I must learn to be completely open to myself."
-EmoUnavailable

I just had to quote this because it speaks volumes. Sometimes we ourselves can be the hardest people to get to know. Even when we do start to get to know ourselves, we have to be open to who we really are. Maybe getting to know ourselves is the biggest challenge?

In regards to the questions asked by Seekingmybalance...

Question 1) For some, intuition can be enough to recognize those who might be negative influences in their lives. I personally sometimes have difficulty reading people when I first meet them. I can't always rely on my own intuition to evaluate people, especially when I first meet them. And the world is full of kind, decent people who have allowed people into their lives who are negative influences.

Question 2) Is protecting ourselves something we should strive for? We do indeed learn new things about ourselves when we are hurt. I honestly don't have a good answer to this question but its a profound question to be sure! As a man, I think sometimes I might prioritize self-preservation and self-protection above forming meaningful relationships with my fellow human beings. Perhaps thats a problem?

As I said, I don't have a good answer either way. I can only commend you on asking a deep and meaningful question. Great discussion, guys!
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EmoUnavailable
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Everything we think, experience and feel is created. The challenge we consistently face is the meaning we have learned to attach to what we think, experience and feel and, arguably more important, the need to not feel alone in that.

I am a long way from enlightenment, but I am gathering that so much of my issue is deeply rooted in my individuality. I see this because when I watch others talk about their challenges I find that, when stripped of the details, most challenges come down to them not listening to themselves. And the need to prove that 'my variation on this issue is so unique, you should pay attention to me' becomes more important than listening to what the issue is trying to tell me.

This is why being completely open with myself is paramount: by recognizing that I am simpler, that my challenges are completely handleable and not struggling opens up time and energy to work through what's in front of me.

When I remember this, experiencing other's challenges becomes easier because I don't have to be caught up in their details while still empathizing with their experience. Being open with myself means I can then be open with everyone, and this is especially powerful when encountering people who, conscious of it or not, abuse open-hearted people because then I hear the abuse on myself and making the decision to not put up with it is clear because I do what I want and not what I should.

I don't experience it all the time and it is hard to encourage because I am afraid of feeling aloof, distant and uncaring, but luckily those are polar opposites so I should soon stop struggling. :P

I learned of an interesting and different perspective in one of the books I read this week. Judging people requires then also providing forgiveness to others and to oneself. Simply observing, however, allows each to do their own thing, for one to taste another's perspective and choose to spit it back out or not and walk away without apology.
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