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Finding Haggis
Topic Started: Sep 13 2009, 11:59 PM (57 Views)
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The scene opened with Drew McIntyre stood on a busy street in Columbus, Georgia. Drew was stood on the sidewalk, with an EBWF cameraman filming him. He was dressed casually, wearing a light blue shirt and jeans. He looked into the camera and began to speak.

Drew McIntyre: Hello there. I’m the Scottish Sensation, Drew McIntyre. You might remember me as the guy that kicked Kofi Kingston’s arse on Aggression last week. This week, I’m been thrown a bigger challenge. It’s not that my opponent is any less... average... than Kofi; more that I’ve got to take on two mediocre wrestlers instead of just one. I’m up against Nick Nemeth, who finally seems to have realised that “Dolph Ziggler” is a porn-star name, and MVP; didn’t he just leave the EBWF a few weeks ago? I’d love to suggest that he’s back because someone pleaded temporary insanity, but it seems to me that the insanity is in hiring someone that sucks so much twice. Even so, triple threat matches are tricky. On Warfare, I can’t focus on one guy, and totally destroy him the way I destroyed Kofi Kingston last week. I have to always keep one eye on the other guy, cause if I don’t I risk being sneak-attacked, and suffering a cheap loss. But I’m not gonna let that happen, which is why I’m stood here outside Mitchell’s Steakhouse.

The camera zoomed out, revealing Mitchell’s Steakhouse. It was a large restaurant that looked like it sold good quality food.

Drew McIntyre: This is one of the top restaurants in Ohio... or it’s the first one I found on Google, I’ll let you decide. Either way, haggis is the steak of Scotland, so I’m hoping this so called “steakhouse” serves it. You see, it’s important that I get my fill of haggis, because haggis is to Scotsmen what spinach is to Popeye. With a belly full of haggis, I’ll be unstoppable Monday night. Without haggis – well, I’ll probably still win, but I won’t be as happy about it. So let’s see what this “Mitchell” has to offer.

Drew entered the restaurant, and the camera followed him. Inside, a large African American woman was stood at a reception counter, waiting to show people to their table. Her name tag told us she was called Laura. Laura looked rather fed up, and greeted Drew politely but with little enthusiasm.

Laura: Good afternoon sir. Table for one?

Drew McIntyre: ...Maybe. Before I take a seat, I need to ask you something.

Laura rolled her eyes. Clearly, she wanted to simply get on with her job, dealing with people as little as could be helped.

Laura: Go ahead.

Drew McIntyre: Do you serve haggis?

Laura: What?!

Drew McIntyre: Haggis.

Laura: Bless you.

Drew McIntyre: ...Sorry?

Laura glared at him.

Laura: You sneezed, I said bless you. It’s called being polite; maybe you should try it some time.

Drew still seemed to be confused by what had just happened, but also looked like he felt guilty for offending Laura. He flashed his best smile in an attempt to win her over.

Drew McIntyre: Ah. I didn’t sneeze darling, but thanks anyway – I’ll consider my next sneeze pre-blessed. I was asking if you served haggis.

Drew spoke slowly, though Laura still seemed to be having difficulty understanding him.

Laura: Hag... haggis. What is that?

The look on Drew’s face suggested that he was mortally offended by this gap in Laura’s cultural knowledge – it seemed Drew was a patriotic Scotsman that expected everyone to know about haggis. He tried not to let his indignation show as he explained haggis to Laura.

Drew McIntyre: You’ve never had it? Sweetheart, you’re missing out. It’s sheep’s pluck, among other things. It tastes a lot nicer than it sounds... I’ll have to take you to Scotland some time so you can try it.

Drew gave Laura a friendly wink, wondering if charm was the way to win her over. It was not. Her eyes and lips narrowed, and her dislike for him seemed to intensify.

Laura: That sounds disgusting. We don’t sell it, and to be honest I can’t see why anyone would. Now if you’d like to try some real meat, I can find you a table for one. I’d suggest our sirloin steak, it’s a bestseller and with good reason.

Laura’s attempt at up-selling the sirloin steak sounded more threatening than inviting, and Drew noticed the tone in her voice. He frowned slightly.

Drew McIntyre: I can promise you there’s not one steak in this restaurant that would fill my belly in the same delightful way that haggis does. I think I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Drew turned his back on Laura, and walked out of the steakhouse. She seemed glad to see the back of him, and greeted the family of four behind him much more warmly. Outside the restaurant, Drew looked into the camera.

Drew McIntyre: I can’t believe she was so dismissive of haggis! That stuff is worth its weight in gold, I tell you. Maybe I’m just looking in the wrong place; the whole of America can’t be blind to haggis, can it? That’d be a travesty.

Drew set off down the street, in search of another restaurant. The camera cut to a montage on Drew trying different restaurants throughout Columbus, and each time walking away disappointed. After being turned away at “Hamilton’s”, a restaurant that looked distinctly upper-class, Drew shook his head in dismay. He shouted, seemingly to himself.

Drew McIntyre: But Hamilton is a Scottish surname! How can you sell escargot and not haggis? You’re a traitor to your country, mate.

Drew looked into the camera, and spoke in a normal voice again.

Drew McIntyre: I think we can write today off as a failed day... not for me, but for Columbus. You really should have haggis – I don’t think you know what you’re missing. I’m disappointed to have to call the search off, but it doesn’t really matter. I’m still far more talented than either of my opponents, and haggis or no haggis, I’ll walk out of Warfare with a second EBWF victory under my belt.

The scene faded as Drew smiled confidently.
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