Viewing Single Post From: My Confessions

Viewing Single Post From: My Confessions
Cameron	2 Jul 2008, 02:05 PM
Administratinator Posts: 1,740 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: 20 December 2007	I’m an evil person. I’ve done some things in my life that I’m not proud of and I need to get these things off my chest. So, I’ve decided to confess them to the world. Here they are: I shot Archduke Ferdinand. I am the weakest link. I am too sexy for my current shirt. I tore the tag off my mattress. I tore the tag off your mattress. I hate the bands you like. I killed disco. I won the Cold War and the nuclear arms race. I took the “doo” out of doo-wap. I was three of the five backstreet boys. Oops, I did it again. I faked the moon landings. I am the real Slim Shady. I wrote the Harry Potter books. I never liked your spinach puffs. I lost Atlantis. I went around randomly flipping switches at Chernobyl. I am the reason bad things happen to good people. I am the reason Bennifer broke up. Even when I’m in Rome, I don’t do as the Romans do. I was the one they dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. 90% of spam is my fault. I multi abuse. I invented kryptonite. I am an art thief. I pwnzor noobs. I am the cause of most time-travel paradoxes. I caused the extinction of the dinosaurs. I run Microsoft. I sometimes leave the toilet seat up. I just don’t like cats that much. I am the antichrist. I left my freezer door open and caused the Ice Age. I am a level 73 boss monster. I was behind Watergate. I am one of the major contributors to global warming. I landed at Roswell. I wrote the new Star Wars trilogy. All your base are belong to me. I  baby seals. I sent the terminators back in time. I played the part of Jar-jar Binks. I invented Chia pets. I shot the invisible swordsman. I am responsible for all things pertaining to the Iraq war. I invented going postal. I came up with Sailor Moon. Guns don’t kill people, I kill people. I am a hanging chad. I clog people’s toilets I killed your giga pet. I am the terror that quacks in the night. I am the reason why opera singers don’t use a language you can understand. Same for rap. I framed Roger Rabbit. I make made-for-TV movies. I shot O.J.’s wife. I am Deep Throat. You know how your neighbor’s dog barks in the middle of the night? Yeah. I started McDonald’s. I am behind continental drift. I built the Iron Curtain. I am the reason white guys can’t dance. I am a shower curtain. Mr. Ed was my idea. See also: Francis the Talking Mule. I convinced Al Gore that he invented the internet. I am the strange smell that you can’t get out of your car. I react violently with sodium. I taught Elvis how to dance. As a joke, I thought it would be funny to tell Karl Marx about communism. My bad. I caused the Great Depression to make a fortune on antidepressants. I am the reason why the Segway never caught on. I started country music. I invented tax forms. I run the DMV. I am behind most pork-barrel politics. Hippies were partially my fault. I was John McCarthy. I frequently impersonate Elvis. I didn’t start the fire. I frequently cause the metal detector to go off when you walk through. I am a deity that many cults worship. I am the reason why no one understands the lyrics to “Louie Louie.” I am responsible for breeding Chihuahuas, Jack Russell Terriers, and poodles. I popularized speedos for wrinklyish old men. I frequently yell “Fire!” in crowded theaters. I am the major cause of heart attacks. I do fear the reaper. I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. I was your third grade teacher. I am the reason why you can’t fit into your old pants. I voted for Nader. I killed your goldfish. I write soap operas. I cause planter’s warts. I made it so that all diet food tastes bad. I am the reason why Johnny can’t read. I ate the forbidden fruit. I am the reason why Billy Joel sang the blues. The Monica Lewinsky scandal was my idea. I cause IRS audits, just to ease my own boredom. I am the reason the Beatles broke up. I masterminded the Enron scandal. I taught Satan everything he knows. I invented kilts and the bagpipes too. I make fun of poor people. I frequently impersonate the Olson twins. Whenever war erupts in a third world country, you can probably bet that I had something to do with it. I didn’t think Gigli was all that bad. I wrote the ending to My Best Friend’s Wedding. I’m not biodegradable. I shot JFK, twice. I outsource. I dance with the Devil in the pale moon light. I beat up Rocky. When the moon is full, I turn into something unspeakable. I have a serious crush on your mom. I have an even bigger crush on Stacy’s mom. I live life in the fast lane. I dont’ profreed my wrok. I have strange bedfellows. I like to squish things when I drive. I wear my socks inside out. I invaded Poland a few times. I am the king and queen of soul. I communicate with my dessert. I founded Wisconsin. I’m Batman. I play with my food. I make the world go ‘round. I am your father. I corrode most metals. I have an outie. I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. I ate all the hors d’oeuvres. It took a team of four people to correctly spell hors d’oeuvres. I dub most anime. I started the witch hunt craze. I once protested the production of Nerf guns. I sued Al Yankovic for parodying my music. I eat the sun every night and barf it up every morning. I eat my animal crackers feet first. I am at the top of the food chain. I give off more energy than goes into me. I steal children from bus stops. I hate gravity. My singing is ever-so-slightly off key. I hate the boxcar children. I am the reason the boxcar children live in a boxcar. I give unattended children a cappuccino and a puppy. You remember the Iran-Contra thing. I was in a bad mood. I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas. I vant to suck your bloood. I am the reincarnation of Attila the Hun’s dog. My name is John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. I came up with the idea for Barney. I bring more than twelve items through the express lane and I like it. I am wearing someone else’s pants. I turned to the dark side just for the dental benefits. The gay Teletubby was my fault. My socks don’t match. I run Bollywood. I spit in your soda. I am a Columbian drug lord. I can touch M.C. Hammer. I stung Steve Irwin in the heart. I am the true Lord of the Dance. I am the reason your horoscope didn’t come true. Remember that hair you found in your soup? Urkel is based on my life. I planted that thumb in the chili. I sneezed on the inside of your car windows. I write teen movies. If it weren’t for me, there would be no hole in the ozone. I let the ghosts out of the Ghostbuster’s containment field. I am a leprechaun named Moe. Gnomes live in the carpet, and I feed them. I invented stiletto heels. Corsets too. I don’t play nice with other children. I put the iceberg in the way of the Titanic. I make a sound whenever a tree falls in the forest. I see London, I see France… White Castle is largely my fault. I left the underwear in the laundry room. I knock people’s hats off in the street. I am the reason why you lose just one half of a pair of socks in the laundry machine. I lost your luggage. I racially profile. I wrote the song “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” I am the reason nice guys finish last. I am the Godfather. I rob from the rich and give to myself. I stole your left shoe. I’m not really bipedal, I just pretend to be. I invented buffering. I killed the electric car. I am the head of the Freemasons. I put the man in the mask. I killed the man in the moon and blew up his dog. I usually speak in iambic pentameter. I don’t share. I trick people into whitewashing fences for me. I don’t brake for anything. I’m not done yet. I cause acne. And tooth decay. I make people miss putts in golf. I am the reason your piano is out of tune. I ghostwrote Britney Spears’ autobiography. I fart in elevators. I periodically rampage through the streets of Tokyo. I lowered your child’s test scores by at least fifty points. I am your Soniya. I don’t know what “Soniya” means, nor do I care. I was the chief engineer at the Tower of Babel. I made the first x-wing pilot miss his shot at the Death Star. I write elevator music. I write most of the boring musicals you’ve been forced to watch. I wrote William Shakespeare’s plays. I cause inflation just by waving my hands. Merlin is sleeping in my basement. My name is Legion, for I am many. I programmed HAL. I broke the nose off the Sphinx. I shrunk the kids, Honey. I have my own level of hell. Numero diez. Yo escribo cosas en español, y no les digo personas que las cosas significan. Es muy malo, yo se. I got promoted to incubus. I personally hate everyone on the planet. The whole freakin’ planet. I told Arthur Dent he was a scumbag, even though he wasn’t. I was killed by Arthur Dent repeatedly. I write fanfiction. I came up with the “your mom” jokes. I cause that itch on the one place in your back you can’t reach. I am all the roommates you’ve ever had, especially that guy who never throws away his Q-tips. I am evil, eeeevil. I frequently wear your pants, even while you’re still wearing them. I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I am not the lesser of two evils. I am your doppelganger. I am everybody’s evil twin. I am having way too much fun doing this. My number is 666. I am the cause of all awkward silences. I put Stephen Hawking in his wheelchair. I blew up the space shuttle. I put all that sex on TV. I stole the “land” out of Hollywoodland. I made it so that in German one word can be an entire sentence. I am responsible for the Hindenburg disaster. Oh the humanity! Arrrgh! I be havin’ a Southern accent. I am a virus. I am nameless. I take no responsibility for my actions. I reproduce asexually. I still have no idea why I impersonated Ghengis Khan, but I enjoyed it. I sentenced Jack Sparrow to hanging. I verbicize nouns. I taught your history class. I sneeze in people’s hair. I whack people with shovels. I make the groundhog see his shadow. I invented the Scottish. I like making fun of the Scottish. I do the victory jig. I do not believe in fairies. I don’t, I don’t. The hair in drain is mine. If you can read this, I am so sorry. Edited by Cameron, 15 Aug 2008, 11:16 AM.
	Note that Cameron is not Patrick and does not run Godlimations.

My Confessions · Cameron