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| King Nothing; Where's your crown, King Nothing? | |
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| Topic Started: 22 Jul 2009, 06:20 AM (122 Views) | |
| Eternal Entity | 22 Jul 2009, 06:20 AM Post #1 |
Crab King
  ![]](http://209.85.117.197/static/1/pip_r.png)
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So, I'm writing a novel, and want some feedback, as well as any constructive criticism, like how you think the chapter would flow better, etc. Yes, this was influenced by Fire Emblem, if anyone has played any incarnations of the series. If you haven't, I suggest picking one of them up. Warnings for this novel: Language, some violence. I will include a pronunciation guide at the end of each chapter. ------------------- Quote, and also that which inspired this: Then it all crashes down And you break your crown And you point your finger But there's no one around Just want one thing Just to play the king But the castle's crumbling And you're left with just name Where's your crown, King Nothing? Where's your crown? King Nothing - Metallica ------------------- Chapter 1: Annexed "In conclusion, my loyal subjects, we, Ioria, are being annexed by the nearby Theocracy of Falcretia." The once-king, now reduced to a Duke, stepped away from the balcony, ignoring the voices of his subjects as he removed his crown and, in a fit of rage, threw it into the wall where it broke and brought some dust from the ceiling down to the floor. Descending the stairs, he entered the throne room and sat down on his throne and put his head in his hands. The piece of parchment with his signature and the flowing signature of another sat on a nearby table, forgotten. "My lord. The people...they are confused, sire. What are we to do, now?" The ex-King's Captain of the Royal Knights, Captain Michael, addressed him after taking a knee before the throne, one hand fisted on the floor, the other placed on the hilt of his sword belted at his waist. The raven-haired Duke rose his head. "What in the Hell else would you have me do, Michael? Our economic state is horrific. Bandit attacks at the border, and I spent far too much bettering our equipment to counter the bandits. We will be receiving shipments of gold from Falcretia, Bishop Geoffrey is a very generous man, after all, and in return we will be manufacturing weapons for them." Duke Farven said, gazing through the open double doors at the capital city of Ioria, Sulindal. Sighing as he rose, Farven ran a hand through his hair before patting a hand on Michael's shoulder as he passed the man, who wordlessly rose and stepped up alongside his Duke. Farven's shadow melted out from behind the throne, following the two men on silent feet. The man, who would prefer to remain anonymous but is known to Duke Farven as David, was garbed in all black, and wore a scarf that covered the lower half of his face. Belted at his waist was a short, ten-inch blade, which the man had used to deadly effect in the past. The trio exited the hall and moved down to the stables, ignoring the people who pressed forward to ask questions of their Duke. Two horses were outside the stables, ready for their respective riders to climb aboard them. One was a pure black, and the other a dark brown. While one was a warhorse, obviously the king's, the other appeared to be a standard horse, though it had been proven to be the swiftest horse in all of Ioria. David climbed aboard the black horse, while Farven boarded the warhorse, and after leaving instructions that Michael was to be in charge, the two left the Capital at a hard gallop, headed towards Falcretia and its capital of Torgos. Farven refused to look back at the walls of Sulindal, knowing what he would see. A castle slowly falling into disrepair, due to its former king, now Duke, not having the money to be able to afford repairs for the stonework. ********* Soon, David and Farven were in the plains of Ioria, moving towards Falcretia at a fast pace. They would arrive in two day's time, with one day to spare before the meeting that would take place between the Dukes of the Falcretian Kingdom. The two Iorians were silent, both preferring silence to conversation. Though David was there, Farven had a sword belted over his right shoulder, in position for an easy draw. The only sound made was the hooves hitting the ground and each horse's breathing as they traveled across the vast Iorian plains. They passed some farms along the way, making few stops as they went. The only stops they did make was to rest the horses and eat, as well as to answer the call of nature. Soon, night fell, and they slowed, before stopping at the edge of a forest that sat on the borders of three countries, Ioria to the south, Falcretia to the east, and Besteel to the north. To their west was a vast ocean, and, all by its lonesome in the southern reaches of the ocean sat a lone island nation, Elikos. No one in recent times had traveled to Elikos, and the only records of the nation spoke of bizarre hybrids creatures of man and beast, of man and bird, and, the most bizarre of all, man and dragon. While Farven and David sat on opposite sides of the small fire that David had made, eating some of the food that they had brought with them, the beating of wings came from above. "Falcretian Pegasus scout. Most likely a trainee, accompanied by a superior." David supplied, to which Farven nodded and returned to his meal. David, electing to take first watch, sat silently and listened to the quiet sounds of Farven moving into a bedroll before he himself threw some dirt on the fire and climbed the nearby tree, his eyes quickly adjusting to the light. If bandits were to attempt to ambush them, they would be in for a surprise. He was not Duke Farven's Shadow for nothing. ------------------- So, what does everybody think? This is set in a Fantasy world, so there'll be magic and everything, as well as a different god that people worship, which will be encountered in Torgos. If people are still reading, (and I hope you are), then thanks for taking the time to read this. Pronunciations, terms: Ioria: ee-or-ee-a Falcretia: Fal-kray-sha (Fal is pronounced the same way that Cal in California is) Farven: Straightforward. Pronounced like it looks. Far-ven Sulindal: Sue-lin-dahl Torgos: Also straightforward. The only trouble I can see is the pronunciation of -gos, which is pronounced the same way that ghos in ghost is. Falcretian: Fal-kray-shin Iorian: ee-or-ee-in Elikos: El-i-kos (-kos is pronounced the same way that coas in coast is.) Pegasus: Straightforward. Winged horse, usually ridden by a Pegasus Knight. Pegasus Knight: Women who ride Pegasi into battle. They are armed with lances and rely on their pegasus' speed rather than heavy armor. Edited by Eternal Entity, 22 Jul 2009, 06:46 AM.
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Link to my original story. Will be updated whenever I get inspiration for a new chapter, which is fairly frequently. King Nothing ALSO! Yes, I ship Shinji/Asuka. Sue me. If you know ANYTHING about the series, then Shinji/Rei is disturbing on far too many levels. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's Neon Genesis Evangelion, and you should watch it. | |
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| cheesebug | 22 Jul 2009, 10:34 AM Post #2 |
Ultimate Threadkiller
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first of all, welcome eternal etnity!!  very awesomelicious avatar. and great story keep writing! its always good to be inspired by song lyrics. Edited by cheesebug, 22 Jul 2009, 10:36 AM.
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 At Wendy's one day... My bud to cashier: Hey can I have some ranch? (dude hands her some ranch packets) Me-OH THANK YOU ALMIGHTY RANCH GIVER! My mother to my bro-You need to find a nice girl and settle down. An Italian girl! And no Sicilians! If I find out you’re marrying a Sicilian I’ll beat you to death with my slippers! VOT FOUR CHEESAY, SHEES GUD AT SPELING! | |
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| Eternal Entity | 22 Jul 2009, 10:43 AM Post #3 |
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Crab King
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Thank you, for the welcome, the avatar comment, and the words of encouragement. I already have ideas for the next chapter, so expect it up by the end of the week, this coming Sunday at the latest.
Edited by Eternal Entity, 22 Jul 2009, 10:44 AM.
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Link to my original story. Will be updated whenever I get inspiration for a new chapter, which is fairly frequently. King Nothing ALSO! Yes, I ship Shinji/Asuka. Sue me. If you know ANYTHING about the series, then Shinji/Rei is disturbing on far too many levels. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's Neon Genesis Evangelion, and you should watch it. | |
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 Blaze
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23 Jul 2009, 07:36 PM Post #4 |
Health: 600/600
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How much have you written before this? For me, I've worked on my fictional writing style for about 3 or 4 years now. I used to write fan-fiction in study hall in 6th and 7th grade, then my freshmen year is when I started on The Couriers, and I haven't stopped since. This kind of style you're using right now I was probably using 7th grade (no offense, I already had a year of daily story writing by that time). The big problems I see here are details, which are usually overlooked with fan-fics. The characters and setting really need to have enough detail to be "envisioned". At the same time, there are parts which are awkwardly detailed ("Sighing as he rose, Farven ran a hand through his hair before patting a hand on Michael's shoulder as he passed the man, who wordlessly rose and stepped up alongside his Duke.) Interesting story though, although it would mean a little more to me if I had actually paid attention to the locations in Fire Emblam. I played most of the first US one (Lyn, Eliwood, Hector, etc.), but I don't really remember which kingdoms are which and stuff. |
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"One day we'll get married. What do you think of that? My best man will be Harry. Your bridesmaid will be your cat!" -Ron Puppet | |
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| Eternal Entity | 24 Jul 2009, 04:31 AM Post #5 |
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Crab King
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To be honest, I've written fanfiction on and off for the past year, and I was only happy enough with a Oneshot for Death Note that I put it up on fanfiction.net, and before that I've been roleplaying for maybe three years. If you'd like to be my beta-reader, that would be nice and I'd be grateful, because I don't have one. As far as Fire Emblem goes, it doesn't take place on Elibe (The setting for Sealed and Blazing Sword,which were games 6 and 7, respectively. 7 is the first in the US, and was known here as just Fire Emlem) but an entirely new continent. And when I said Fire Emblem, I meant the entire series, not just the one game. |
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Link to my original story. Will be updated whenever I get inspiration for a new chapter, which is fairly frequently. King Nothing ALSO! Yes, I ship Shinji/Asuka. Sue me. If you know ANYTHING about the series, then Shinji/Rei is disturbing on far too many levels. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's Neon Genesis Evangelion, and you should watch it. | |
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| Eternal Entity | 27 Jul 2009, 02:59 PM Post #6 |
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Crab King
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Yes, I know this is two days late. Sue me. ------------------- Rising with the sun, Farven and David broke camp quickly, kicking dirt onto the fire. Satisfied, they left the clearing and were soon entering Falcretia. As they approached the capital, their first indication of nearly being there was the tower that rose into the sky like a spear piercing the heavens. "The Heavenly Spear. Church teachings say that it is the weapon that Goddess Marias used to kill the Dark Being. She later cast it down to the ground, declaring herself to, from that point on, abhor warfare as she lost many of her people." Farven said quietly, to which David scoffed. The man didn't believe in Aria, much to the chagrin of many people. Digging their heels into the sides of their horses, they arrived at the capital at midday. Their horses were stabled by two squires, and soon they were moving rapidly through the capital, towards the building situated at the foot of The Heavenly Spear. This was where the bishop lived, and, if truth be told, the building was very opulent and gaudy, despite the bishop's pledge to live a life of poverty. David called this corruption. ******** "Duke Farven, here to join Bishop Geoffrey for his monthly council with his Dukes." This was said impatiently to the standing guard, who opened the doors. They were allowed in, though David got several suspicious glances. Entering the conference room, they took a seat at the middle of the table, with David standing behind Farven. Soon the other dukes filed in, several of whom cast suspicious glances at David and Farven. One spoke up, a balding fat man who, if Farven's memory served, was called Darius. "Is your shadow necessary, Duke Ioria? We know that you were once a king, but a Duke does not need a shadow such as him." There was a collection of muttered agreements, though they were silenced as the Bishop entered the room. "That will be enough, Duke Hia. If Duke Ioria would be more comfortable with his shadow here, then so be it. I hope that he will eventually grow to be more comfortable with our company, but this is his first time amongst us all. A cautious man such as he would be rightfully...apprehensive." Duke Geoffrey was wearing robes that matched his mansion, opulent and gaudy. The meeting progressed as David had suspected it to. That is, each Duke stood and gave the state of their dukedom and overstressed simple issues. This proved to be true for each of them except for two. One of whom was a grizzled old man that was missing an eye, that Farven would swear he had seen in one of the history books he had learned from. This man was a war-veteran, and led his dukedom with an iron fist, though his people were not suppressed. If Farven recalled, the man's dukedom was as close to being a Militaristic state without stepping into the territory of being its own nation. The other duke who merely gave a report and sat down was an attractive younger woman, who, by David's calculations, had most likely inherited her title because there were no male heirs. She was most likely being pressured towards political marriage, and, if the appreciative glances and the way his eyes lingered on her body told anything, she was being forced towards Duke Hia. Farven, being raised by his parents in a rather archaic way, found this to be disgusting. He was on the point of shouting his outrage when Bishop Geoffrey beat him to it. "Duke Hia, you are upsetting our newest Duke with your blatant...appreciation of Duchess Shid." He gave a polite cough after saying this, easily ignoring the glare from Darius and the embarrassed smile from the Duchess whose name escaped Farven at the moment. As he was trying to recall it and ignore Darius at the same time, insistent knocking on the closed doors caused his attention to immediately shift to the doors at the Bishop's command for the knocker to enter. "Bishop Geoffrey, urgent news. Besteel has gone against the continent-wide non-aggression pact and invaded Collisian. And...they have killed the entire royal family, as well as anyone who could make a claim to the throne. Collisian has been annexed by Besteel, your holiness. What should we do?" Stunned silence greeted them, where upon Farven stood and began to leave, with David falling into step at his side. "Where are you going, Duke Ioria?" This was asked by Duke Hia, who seemed to be rather smug about the question. "Since you fools seem to wish to bicker about meaningless drivel, I will take my leave and begin to prepare Ioria for war. Bishop Geoffrey, I apologize, but I will not be returning. I cannot stomach these proceedings." Cries of outrage followed the back of the former king, who was followed out shortly by Duchess Shid and the grizzled veteran, Duke Trin. *********** "If I may make a suggestion, sire. We should ready our weapons, in case of an ambush from Besteel." If David was to say anything else, he was silenced by the approaching Duchess Shid, who was sitting on a horse side-saddle, though she wore dark leggings similar to David's. As she approached, she swung her leg over into a normal riding position. "Duke Ioria. You are not making friends, though myself and possibly Duke Trin are exempted from this. Bishop Geoffrey is allowing our exit, as we are the three Dukedoms closest to Besteel, and he is willing to accept your terms for now. You will be expected at the capital when this war is over, however." She said quietly, as if expecting eavesdroppers or perhaps a member of Darius' entourage to go running off to report their speaking to each other. "That will be fine, Duchess Shid. If I may be so bold, I feel sorry for you. You are being pressured towards marrying a man such as Darius, after all." Farven stated, ignoring the quiet cough from David that he knew hid laughter. She nodded, and then gave him a once-over. "...Indeed. If it pleases you, I would much rather you be the suitor making the advance. Perhaps I should tell my advisers that you have made an offer as well? Something along the lines of soldiers along my borders that are nearest Besteel?" She was rather bold, Farven noted. Giving a nod, he gave something akin to a smirk. "That is acceptable. Good day to you, Tia of Shid. If all goes well, you will soon be Tia of Ioria." With that, he once again dug his heels into the side of his warhorse, and both he and David were soon gone. The Duke of Trin soon melted from the shadows. "You are making a gamble with this, Duchess Shid. Duke Hia will not be pleased, and will lobby for your hand, stating that he asked it first, childish though it sounds. However, this is in your favor, as Duke Ioria's 'offer' is much better than Duke Hia's. A monthly shipment of 20,000 gold monthly for two years is nice, but Duke Ioria is offering his countrymen to fight and die for the defense of your own." Advice given, the veteran left, to return to his country and begin to prepare it for war. Tia soon left, accompanied by five of her countrymen as her guard. She was exceptionally gifted with the lance, after all, and could defend herself, though her advisers had insisted on a guard. *********** Farven and David made excellent time, reaching and passing their old camp-site before nightfall. Once again they camped in the forest, though this time they went without a fire, in an attempt to make their journey as swift and secret as possible. They would soon begin to prepare Ioria for war. As once again David took the watch, Farven's dreams were filled with his countrymen being killed by Besteelian soldiers, clad in blood-red armor, the same color as the blood that decorated their weapons. ---------------- Alright, that's chapter 2. I dunno if this is any good, because some parts of it felt forced. As always, constructive criticism is welcome, and I'm still in need of a beta-reader. If someone who has experience with writing would like to get on that, I'll be very grateful. Pronunciation guide: Besteel - Beh-steel Hia - He-ah Shid - Sheed Trin - Substitute the m in trim for an n, and there you go. Besteelian - Beh-steel-ian Tia - Tee-ah Marias - Mare-ee-es |
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Link to my original story. Will be updated whenever I get inspiration for a new chapter, which is fairly frequently. King Nothing ALSO! Yes, I ship Shinji/Asuka. Sue me. If you know ANYTHING about the series, then Shinji/Rei is disturbing on far too many levels. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's Neon Genesis Evangelion, and you should watch it. | |
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| Luemas | 28 Jul 2009, 11:06 AM Post #7 |
All ur Walrus R belong to Me
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Great job mate. I'm gonna start writing a bit now. Do something productive with the help of Coldplay. |
 Vote for Lue to make Sad Panda... Happy Panda?  | |
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