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COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY; The man with restraining orders filed by both Mits*o F*kuda and M*tt W*rd
Topic Started: May 12 2015, 11:25 PM (443 Views)
D.Va
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Nerf This!
Character Information
Character Status:
Active
Name:
Richard Swagger
Nickname:
COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY!
Gender:
Does that name say "HEROINE OF THE PRINCIPALITY"? Of course not, because COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY is a MAN!
Age:
37
Height:
5'5"
Weight:
COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY's weight is unknown as COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY has broken every scale he's ever stepped on.
Role:
Builder(/Fighter?)
Occupation:
COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY works at a local Gunpla shop in West Tokyo; He would have been fired years ago if the owner didn't like using his models for display models so much.
Residence:
COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY lives in a shipping crate-turned-living quarters down by the river in Tokyo Riverside Park. It's unknown why the authorities never did anything about it.
Nationality:
COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY wishes he was from GLORIOUS NIPPON, but will settle for being a 'MURRICAN.

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Character History
Come one, come all, for here is the grand tale of COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY! Our story begins with our hero, once known as Richard Swagger, in high school back in his home nation of the United States of 'MURRICA, in the state of Alabama. He was then a less large a person, but certainly far larger a follower of the grand masterpieces he called Gundam and Warhammer 40K. Now, mind you, he knew neither were perfect, with the likes of Mits*o F*kuda and M*tt W*rd out there, but he knew, like all wise men knew, that works of god would always be marred in the hands of mere mortal men. He did not blame the F*kuda or the W*rd for their colossal fuckups, for mortal man could not keep a work perfect forever... But fuck Polestar for making G-Savior. That thing was a fucking travesty.

Ah, we've become sidetracked a bit; Let me fix that. AHEM... Young Richard Swagger's love for all things Gundam and 40K was great, to the point that he wished to make them not just his hobby, but his carrer; His calling in life, his raison d'etre! Unfortunately, Games Workshop barred the young Richard Swagger from stepping foot onto any of their property and placed him on a blacklist after a rather colorful letter made out to a few particular writers, including the Anti-Emprah himself, The W*rd. It was a time before forgiveness.

However, Bandai never recieved the younger Richard's letters aimed at their less talented staff due to a mailing error, thus Richard realized he could put his future into working with Gundam. But then it struck Richard: What exactly could he do for Gundam? He couldn't draw for shit, and his writing was almost hypocritically awful... Why are you staring at me like that?

But then, the young Richard realized something- There WAS one thing he was exceptionally skilled at, as any self-respecting neckbeard would be. He could build Gunpla, and how.

Richard realized, however, that his Gunpla building skills weren't worth anything in his home state, or even Country: He was lucky if the uncultured swine around him had even heard of Gundam, let alone had any interest in it. However, there was one place he knew where there would certainly be someone who would be interested: Japan, the source of all things Gundam.

So, upon graduation from high school at the young age of 20, Richard pooled together his hard-earned allowance money that he had built up durring his five years of high school. How did this amazing young man get stuck in high school for five years, you ask? Well, it turned out that mailing error sent that colorful letter aimed at Bandai's staff to his Principal instead; Rather that expel him on the spot for the, you know, copious number of threats, at least a third of which involved the removal of genitals, the letter was so terribly written that the Principal instead had Richard's English teacher flunk him on the spot and had him repeat a year. Now you know how Richard, our protagonist with colossal ego, realized he couldn't write for shit; Even ridiculously massive egos will realize in the face of such overwhelming evidence when they suck at something... How did he reach the same conclusion for his drawing? Well, he was once asked to draw a house in middle school, and the resulting picture was so off model that the art teacher thought it was a pony orgy. Luckily, the only thing the middle school's principal could see in the picture was Steve Buscemi's face, so Richard wasn't expelled, but you can guess how he reached his conclusions about not being able to draw.

Oh, right, the allowance money. Richard took that money, and he bought himself a plane ticket to Japan, where he hoped to find work building models. A lesser man would have realized that was a fucking terrible idea right away, but not young Richard. No, he actually managed to hunt down a Gunpla-building contest in Tokyo, where the winner would win 100,000 yen and a trio of model kits that probably cost more than the cash prize. Richard, being as sure of himself as ever, entered the contest, shocking everyone involved when the fat foreigner with the massive neckbear somehow managed to make a Z*krello that didn't look dumb as hell. Afterwards, however, Richard quickly found out that 100,000 yen doesn't nearly go as far as it sounds to an American, and the contest was an annual contest held in different places across Japan every year. Building for contests wasn't going to be possible as a career, just because there weren't enough contests to actually win.

However, the owner of the shop that the contest was hosted at really liked Richard's work, and decided to hire him as a store clerk, paying him extra every once in a while to build a new model for display whenever they came out. Richard, so overjoyed that he had found his dream job, accepted immediately. Within a few months, Gundam otaku in the city had all come to learn about Richard's display Gunpla, complimenting them whenever they came in. Of course, with an ego as big as Richard's already was, the compliments only made him spiral out of control. Soon, Richard had abandoned his name; His skills with Gunpla needed a more impactful name, one worthy of the man who could breathe such life into those models! Thus, Richard Swagger became COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY! Of course, with the inflated ego, COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY began scaring off some of the less enthusiastic customers with his wankery over how awesome his modeling skills were; Had it not been for the fact that his display models brought in more paying customers than his ego scared off, his employer would have fired his obnoxious ass years ago.

Oh, right. That last bit? He was 21 then. COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY is now 37 and still working a clerk job in a hobby shop in West Tokyo. Shockingly, the fat neckbeard hadn't ever heard of Gunpla Battle in the 16 years he's been in Japan.

Other Information
COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY is a regular on literally all of the Chan imageboards. COMMISSAR DICK SWAGGER, HERO OF THE PRINCIPALITY also has a trilby collection that he calls a fedora collection.
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Turinu
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