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No You Title Your Promo; The Black and White Report
Topic Started: Jul 5 2016, 12:43 AM (70 Views)
Betty Black

Who is Andrew Karnage?

[The words hang on the screen for six seconds, the font is classic and definitely not Comic Sans…

...it’s Comic Sans.

A bright looking young woman with rainbow colored hair sits cross legged dressed for comfort in some stylish sweat pants that likely have something cutesy written on the buttocks and a mid-riff T-shirt. Her hair hangs in a loose ponytail over her shoulder and she is wearing reading glasses on the bridge of her nose. On the coffee table in front of her is a list of names and pictures with the question that opened this whole thing written, underlined and circled multiple times

Who is Andrew Karnage?]

Betty Black: Whelp, lets figure this dude out.

****

{A talking head shot of a young Japanese girl wearing a BE ALIVE! T-shirt and clutching a fantasy novel to her chest is shown.]

“He’s a good dad, he makes me brush my teeth and doesn’t let me watch The Walking Dead, not because of the gore, but because he says it’s a pile of rancid donkey feces.” -Sakura Hattori Kincaid, daughter age 9

Betty Black Voice Over: Sakura Hattori was born to a Kyouko Hattori and one of Andrew Karnage’s mentors, Eiji Obata after Eiji had a torrid fling with the young intern who was going to school in San Francisco in 2007. Young Sakura had to deal with a distant mother who was the right combination of workaholic Japanese stereotype and unrepentant party girl to never really be there for the girl, CPS was notified and a suitable guardian was searched for. Owing a huge favor to a man who taught him a lot in his young days on the wrestling circuit Drew Kincaid wound up taking young Sakura in, and eventually a few years later finalizing adoption papers on her.

The man known as The AK-47 hasn’t been as active in wrestling since taking on this duty aside from a minor tour in Japan to let his daughter meet and get to know her birth father Eiji, because he felt that being a parent required more of his time and energy.

[We see some home movie clips of Drew and Sakura flying kites in a public park, decorating a tree for Christmas, typical family fare, and ending an awkward Parent Day at Sakura’s school where it’s Drew and a dozen soccer moms who are most displeased with a bearded tattooed man dressed as Elsa from Frozen.]

Sakura: I told him not to wear it, he said that he lost a bet with Kilroy. I tried to fake being sick that day, but I learned all my faking sick tricks from Kilroy and he ratted me out.

Betty Black Voice Over: Kilroy Evans, a man often referred to as Andrew Karnage’s Heterosexual Life Partner, his BFF and most of the time tag team partner for the last fifteen years.

“Andrew Karnage is a slut.” -Kilroy Evans, Monster Truck Who Walks Like A Man, Chili Cook Off Champion, Known Liar

[The screen shows us a toothy unsettling grin of a bearded man wearing a T-shirt with I (heart) SLOTHS on it.]

Kilroy Evans: No really, he’s a tag slut. That man loves him being in a tag team, I get in one little singles feud and he’s off forming another tag team and winning tag titles behind my back! And the worst part was he did it right in front of me!

I mean sure he’s a great guy who is a barrel of laughs and who likely without the focus escape of pro-wrestling would have become some kind of folk hero Mormon Super Villain, but anyways did you get the Frozen footage of him? You’re using it right?

Betty Black Voice Over: Tag Team Guy, a building block and a tripping stone for Andrew Karnage over the years. He seems to have an uncanny knack for finding how to lift and mesh with any number of wrestling tag partners winning tag team titles most everywhere he went to the point that people shoehorned him as just a “Tag Team Guy” and a person who couldn’t win the big one when it counted.

[Show clips of Andrew Karnage winning various tag team titles over the years with men such as Kilroy Evans, “The Yokohama MadMan” Eiji Obata, Adrian Tanner Jr., and Johnny “The Goat” Reavis.]

“He’s tough, I’ll give him that. Just keeps coming, just keeps coming… just… keeps… coming” -Syberus, 4 Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion

[Finally breaking that hump by getting a win over Syberus to win the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship.]

Betty Black Voice Over: A title once won he wouldn’t relinquish for over a year, one that while defending it he would get stabbed in the foot with a scythe, have to sit through nine hours of promotional videos made by Pat Bozzini and his art film dropout society and to even get the title? He had to win a Hardkore Helloween match, where there are four 12 man Pinfall or Submission Only Elimination Battle Royals, the winners of the four Battle Royals are teamed up in a tag match and then the winning team faces each other in a singles match to determine the winner.

Oh and the rings are wrapped in barbed wire for all these matches.

He lived in that hellacious ring for nearly two hours total that night, because he felt the need to prove a point. That he was more than just a niche wrestler who was led to tag team glory by better partners.

He survived his tag team partner turning on him before they won the second round trying to join with an opponent super group, he fought off three men and pinned one to make it to the Finals. He was not swayed, nor stopped.

He ended the night with a Title Shot and two unbroken records for Round One Ring Time and Most Eliminations.

“The Kid hit hard, so very, very hard.” -Eiji Obata, first tag team partner and stablemate in Los Lobos.

[A flat top mullet and dark sun glasses greet the screen, “The Yokohama Mad Man” leans in towards the camera.]

Eiji Obata: He was this fresh faced kid back in 97, yeah? Doing this Blue Chipper Powerhouse thing that was floundering, but The Marquis and I saw this kid, six and half feet tall, two hundred seventy pounds of potential. We called him in, told him we had a job for him that would make him some money… we thought we’d have a decent young lion lackey.

We didn’t expect a human wrecking ball.

[A young Andrew Kincaid coming out with Los Lobos with a shocking new look of black leather and fishnet shirts… it was the 90’s, it was cool back then. The newly christened KARNAGE turning a 450 pound 7 footer inside out with a Lariat.]

Eiji Obata: I told him to do that move, he did it as a tide turner before, but I said “Lay him out, do him Texas Style with it.” Man, I thought he was ending it there, but he had a new trick…

[KARNAGE hooking “Huge” Hugo Hughley in a standing suplex, lifting the monster up and just letting the man fall onto his neck in a released Orange Crush Bomb.]

“Yeah, I never felt that kind of power before… I’ve faced strong guys, but that pure consolidated rage… it was something else. That night I became the first of many Slain Giants.” -”Huge” Hugo Hughley

Betty Black Voice Over: KARNAGE soon took back his first name and became the Andrew Karnage known for the most of his career, but after that night against the massive H-Cubed he found his first real calling, Giant Slayer. The wrestling world was rift with rebellious wild card groups, nomads that would raid a company and leave, big names turning and jumping ship, and there was one group that was more feared and respected that most, Los Lobos. Headed by the sinister “The Anti-Christ” Christian de Sade, “Death From Above” Johnny Lux, and “The Yokohama Mad Man” Eiji Obata, they needed a heavy, Andrew Karnage was that heavy. His task when they came into a new place? Find the biggest guy on the roster and lay him to waste.

[Clips of Karnage tossing around 400 pound men like they were sacks of potatoes, and stiffing them with Lariats.]

Eiji Obata: He was strong, and I showed him a few things a couple of suplexes from back home you know? Kings Road like, and his eyes…. They lit up. He had all this power and he was doing these impressive lifts, but now? He had new tools. Guys going head first over and over… it was beautiful, yeah?

Betty Black Voice Over: Los Lobos made waves and Andrew Karnage was right there making waves with them, a new vicious side and often teaming up with the Death Match specialist Eiji Obata, he got his taste of barbed wire ultra violence as well, it was a comfortable fit, a high pain threshold and smash mouth style. He and Eiji were in Japan doing a tag team tournament when other members of Los Lobos got black balled for nearly sodomizing William Silverberg in the middle of the ring with the legs of a folding chair. Los Lobos were no more, Eiji stayed in Japan and wrestled, and Drew followed his faith going on a mission for the Church of Latter Day Saints, a strange turn for a man who months before was flossing a man’s teeth with barbed wire.

“He was big. He had tattoos, he didn’t come off as your usual missionary, but he jumped right in.” -Thomas Jansen, Mission Trainer

Betty Black Voice Over: Andrew Karnage spent two years in Brazil, but never stopped training physically to return to the ring when he finished, and when he came back… he found Jonnie Valentine, owner of what was then United Wrestling Association: Japan but who would bring back his baby…. Hardkore World.

“When I hit him with everything I had… that jumping DDT off the apron to exposed floor, and I saw all that blood pouring down his face and he had this little smile, I knew he was something special,” -Sweet Richard Romero, Karnage’s opponent in a UWA: Japan Heavyweight title that was a Match of the Year winner in 2001.

Betty Black Voice Over: He proved them right, Karnage has had quite a run in Japan, which is why he decided to come out of his semi-retirement for this event, an event he felt was just up his alley, and could get him back in touch with his roots as a wrestler.

So who is Andrew Karnage?

“Me? I’m nobody.” -Andrew Karnage

[Fade.]
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