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Fixer-upper; open thread
Topic Started: 29 Mar 2016, 09:08 PM (392 Views)
Rodimus
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watch me burn; bright, brighter, brightest
Things really needed to stop happening to the Rod Pod, Rodimus decided. He'd had to fix his personal ship multiple times and each time, it seemed more and more purposeful that it had gotten wrecked in the first place. Oh, he knew others on the ship hated the Rod Pod, but it was his ship, one thing that was entirely his and he enjoyed it. You had to have the little things in life, even if those little things weren't so little and just so happened to be modeled after your own face.

Narcissism in small amounts was healthy, right?

Whatever, Rodimus was going to have his Rod Pod, no matter what Magnus or Megatron or anyone else thought about it. Fixing it yet again was something he'd been hoping he wouldn't have to do, but he did, thanks to Tailgate - well, okay, there hadn't been much choice, but did the little heavy-lifter really have to throw the Rod Pod at the crazy serial killer? Why the Rod Pod? Why not any number of the other shuttles in the bay?

Rodimus gave an exvent, picked up his tools, and went to work trying to repair the damage. In the back of his processor, he could hear a voice that sounded suspiciously like Megatron, asking why he could put so much work into fixing an "affront to Primus" like the Rod Pod and so little work into his duties as captain. He promptly ignored that voice, like he did so often with the actually mech. Even as he did so, he vaguely understood where Megatron - as well as a few others - were coming from. He was captain - excuse me, co-captain - of a huge ship out on a life-changing quest to find the Knights of Cybertron and here he was, skipping out on his duties to work on his private shuttle.

While Megatron was currently on the bridge, giving orders, making sure to follow what they understood of the map Rodimus had subconsciously carved onto his desk over the course of the last several months.

Rodimus tugged a little too hard at some loose paneling as he thought about it. Don't get him wrong, he was slowly beginning to accept working alongside Megatron. There was almost a casualness between the two of them now that would never have been there had Megatron not denounced Decepticonism, sworn himself to the Autobot way, and been handed Rodimus' ship and position of power (Rodimus' position, no matter how much he might argue they were co-captains). It just felt like everything he'd worked for, the sacrifices Rodimus had made, the mistakes he'd sworn to make amends for, were all for nothing if he never had the chance to do anything. Everyone seemed to prefer Megatron's leadership, as ridiculous as that seemed on a ship full of Autobots.

Rodimus took a moment to glance at his palm, the one he'd carved the outcome of the vote on; though he'd long since buffered the numbers out, he could still see them in his mind. 89/101. 89 of the crew had wanted him to step down from captaincy and, in the end, he might as well have, with all he let Megatron do most of the work, while he tinkered with his Rod Pod or went out comet surfing or any number of things that weren't doing his duty. He insisted on that co-captain deal because for all Optimus and Megatron had both gone over his head, it was still his ship - still a gift from Drift, another mech Rodimus had let down - and still his quest. He occasionally listened to Ultra Magnus and actually knuckled down to do his job. When Sunder had attacked, Rodimus had refused to hide in his hab-suite and went out to make sure everyone was secure, at risk of his own life - he still shuddered from the pain and memory of being turned inside out when he was out of sight of the others. But did any of that matter?

Heaving an even heavier exvent than before, Rodimus tossed his tools aside and kicked the Rod Pod out of frustration. What was the point?


(ooc; this got way too long, but I need some Rodimus character development and if he has to face his inner demons, then I'm gonna make him face his inner demons. someone come around and keep him facing those demons.)
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Jumpercablebabe
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Things had been quiet in the medbay for quite some time now, as there was no threat of being turned inside out not any extreme shenanigans that required patching up. Worst come to worst, Lottie was back at bay and could always comm him via their private link. While First Aid enjoyed the quiet, he almost felt a little guilty for growing board with the lack of activity.

He had spent his whole first week back trying to pick up tabs with Tailgate and Cyclonus. Having heard that the minibot had gone through some extreme changes, and nothing settled him worse than hearing Cyclonus had been shot up to look like Swiss cheese. Still, neither bot had wanted to cooperate to say the least, both very head strong to do as they pleased. To a point it was acceptable, but now it was starting to skirt that line and First Aid needed a change of scenery.

His first choice had been to go to visit Brainstorm. Aid still really wanted to visit the labs and see all the crazy inventions the mech had been up to. Upon poking his head in, however, he had found Percy and not Brainstorm. Percy hadnt seemed like he was any mood to deal with visitors, perhaps he and Brainstorm had gotten into a quarrel? Either way, the medic knew NOW was nether the time not place and he scooted on out and back down the hall.

Admittedly, with Ratchet and Ambulon gone First Aid wasn't sure who else he could go and visit. How many bots were on the ship and he didn't have a single friend outside of Tailgate and Brainstorm still here!? Though it wasn't a surprise, most of the mechs didn't want to see the medic as is let alone uninjured. He'd always have that image of being a doctor, one that most wanted to forget about. Out of his control.

Hot spot, groove, blades, streetwise, none of them had made it back ship yet either. So going for a drink at swerve's was out of the question. Sure, Swerve would probably chat his audios off about some earth show he was watching, and First Aid was more than happy to listen but... He wasn't really in the mood.

One thing led to another and Aid found himself peaking in on the bridge. Expecting to see Rodimus hit up in command, it took him a little by surprise when only Ultra Magnus and Megatron were present. That was a bit puzzling. While First Aid had little of a world view outside his medbay doors, he could already sense something was amiss with the scene. Having nothing better to do, and a gut feeling of concern, First Aid made his way to the shuttlebay. He did recall Tailgate mentioning throwing the rodpod, maybe Rodimus was taking repairs into his own hands instead of passing them down to Nautica?

Right as rain there he was, Aid couldn't miss the firey mech hard at work. Almost afraid to go disturb him until he saw the other kick the shuttle. Flinching for both the damage caused to the shuttle and Rodimus, First Aid determined now was better than ever to make himself apparent.

"Uh, Captain?"

The words were far more meek than Aid had intended, stepping forwards and approaching where Rodimus has been hard at work.

"I had come to see you for different reasons but that can wait."

Concern was heavy in his EM field, feeding off Rodimus's body language prior to revealing himself. Swallowing a bit thick beneath the mask, silently Aid did a fast scan on the appendage in question, relaxing as soon as he saw there was no serious harm done. Still, for Rodimus to get so frustrated he'd kick his own shuttle was... Unsettling.

"I didn't mean to drop by if you needed time by yourself, I had passed the bridge and got concerned when I didn't see you was all. Wanted to check up and see if, well, how you were holding up."

Previous desires about catching up on lost time was irrelevant. All priorities were now shifted, so long as Rodimus would allow. First Aid was not one to usually poke or prod, as others came to him first when they needed help. Reaching out to others was easy, but the suspense of them choosing to take your hand was the heavy part.

((Ooc: aaaaa hope you don't mind I reply to this. I'd been waiting to see if anyone closer to Rodimus had wanted to jump in before I did.))
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Rodimus
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watch me burn; bright, brighter, brightest
Rodimus, after kicking the shuttle, had regretted it moments after, pain receptors letting him know he'd scrapes a few new grooves into the metal of his pede; nothing serious, just more scuffs and abrasions to buff out later. He wasn't so vain that a few scrapes couldn't wait, especially when he'd no doubt receive more as he continued to work on the Rod Pod. He was still frustrated though, but at the sound of another's voice, Rodimus immediately forced that frustration back as he turned to the other mech.

"Hey, First Aid," Rodimus greeted, voice casual as to hide the anger and doubt he held towards himself. He pulled his EM field back, having previously let it freely spread out since there'd been no one else in the shuttlebay until now. Though he was trying to portray himself now as carefree as usual, he didn't doubt that First Aid had probably picked up on some of his previous stress and frustration; medics were more perceptive than most mechs and Rodimus knew that Ratchet had always been able to see through him and, surely, his successor would be the same. Still, Rodimus wasn't about to make it easy for the new CMO to get into his head, figuratively speaking, With a nonchalant grin, he leaned against the Rod Pod. "I don't think I've given you a proper welcome back since you returned. Enjoy the trip?"

(ooc; i don't mind at all! i'm glad you did!)
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Jumpercablebabe
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"Did I enjoy the trip? Well I can say it was quite an experience. I mean, not many can say they punched Devastator or dragged Superion through the space bridge, so I wouldn't go so far as to say it was much of a vacation but just an experience. I think Hot Spot and Blades were more excited to be back in the field, so I wanna say thanks for letting them scratch that itch."

First Aid smiled, optics beaming. He had more or less been concerned for Mirage's well being, and of course his fellow protectobots. But it would be a lie to say he wasn't thrilled to be back on the lost light.

Maybe he should tell that to Rodimus... He maybe could use that information.

"But I would like to say thank you for letting me board the ship in the first place. I know anything compared to how Delphi was is a paradise, but I'm sure Ambulon would agree with me when I say that the ship might have been our second chance. I'm sure you've heard about Pharma and the like. Anyways..."

First Aid tried to subtly reach out to Rodimus with his field, a wash of calm emitting from him. The concern and worry Aid typically held was pulled back, though with all the wear and tear from his adventures on Cybertron it made it considerably harder to mask those powerful emotions at times. Still. Aid was no fool, his captain needed him even if he'd never admit it. The newly appointed CMO was fine with that.

"I can delay the receptors in your pede. For only an hour, but it's still a bit of relief if you'll allow? I'm sure that there's no damage, but I'd be more than happy to do any buffing or detailing later at the medbay if you'd like to stop by. Not that you're not capable of taking care of it yourself, I just know once in awhile it's nice to have others assist with personal care."

That and there was plenty of repair materials going unused in the bay with Ambulon's absence. First Aid had always tried to get the other to let him fix up his paint, even just spot checks. Sometimes the junior medic would get lucky and have him plop down and work away, it was admittedly something Aid missed. Not just for Ambulon, but for any of the crew. Gentle touch ups and little care treatments always made him glow.

"I heard the rodpod went though pit and back. Slugger got their hands on it and chucked it, right? Who'd think Tailgate of all minibots would end up being such a hard hitter? But you've done a lot of repairs on it so far, if Lottie and Tailgate hadn't convinced me I might not have believed any of them on the damage that occurred."
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Rodimus
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watch me burn; bright, brighter, brightest
Rodimus gave a slight smirk as First Aid talked. He'd never really interacted with the medic before, tending to just avoid the med bay and its medics all together, so he'd never known how much of a talker First Aid was; not that it was a bad thing. On the contrary, Rodimus liked other Talkers. It was actually kind of a refresher from spending so much time with Magnus and Megatron, both of whom were not much for the idle chatter that Rodimus liked to fill the silence. The only time Magnus did a lot of talking, it seemed, was when he was lecturing and Megatron, well, he just got frustrated with Rodimus and conversations with him - possibly because Rodimus talked and not usually about things Megatron cared for.

Old mechs and their disconnect, right?

At any rate, at least the things First Aid was talking about were actually interesting. Punching Devastator and dragging anyone through a space bridge really did sound like an experience. At the mention of Delphi and Aid's thanks for being let on board, Rodimus waved a hand. "It's nothing. You were Autobots, in dangerous positions, with pretty much no where else to go, it's not like I could just leave you there."

He waved off the offer to take care of his pede; it wasn't a problem, it'd stop hurting on its own eventually, and really, he was just going to end up with other scrapes. That was the hazard of working on a shuttle; minor injuries were bound to happen. "Maybe I'll take you up on that when I'm not just going to ruin the buffing job again later. After I get this thing fixed." Rodimus shrugged. "Yeah, I thought it was hilarious that Tailgate, of all bots on this ship, got the sudden super strength. Imagine pitting that against rogue 'Cons. Won't know what hit 'em." He flashed a grin. "Can't wait to see what they can do, actually. But yeah, I've given them strict orders that the Rod Pod can't be used as a punching bag in the future, I've had to fix it so many times."
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Jumpercablebabe
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"I could imagine that the time spent repairing the pod in itself is tedious. Regardless if punched, kicked, or thrown. All the same, I have some suspicions about Tailgate's condition but without the minibot's cooperation I can't really see if I'm correct. For now I'm letting it slide, I'm already up to my optics in datapads of Ratchet's chicken scratch. Doctor handwriting am I right?"

It was more Ratchet's short hand that was the problem. But that didn't flow as well for his joke.

"Anyways. Yeah, I mean, I didn't really come seek you out to give an official thanks for letting us hop a board at the time. The whole Delphi-cosmic-rust ordeal was a little more of a priority than poppin' bottles of energex to say the least. Not that I don't like to drink, but I had honestly seen some things that day I hope to never experience again."

No. Poppin' bottles with Ratchet and Rodimus was put on a hold, most likely indefinitely. Though it was no secret how much most of the medic's drank, it still usually took the crew by surprise. It always boggled First Aid, he really figured it was to be expected?

"Could you imagine Tailgate on the front lines of battle though? I don't like to think about the war now that it's "over", but nobody would take them serious. That is until they don't know what hits 'em. But for the time being I'm hoping that Tailgate won't decide to go around bending and breaking everything intentionally in a show of power. We already have enough bots peacocking on the ship."

First Aid paused after the statement, getting a good look at the captain. It must be hard, not just the caption rank, but surly he must feel almost alone. Not that Ultra Magnus or Megatron werent up in command with him, but some of the escapades the ship had gotten mixed up with, Aid couldn't say for sure if Magnus or Megatron could even possibly relate to try and console the captain on. Like Red Alert's attempt at suicide or even the thing with Rewind's death. Surly there must be some weight held on those flamboyant shoulders that he wasn't letting loose.

Many wrote the captain off as being too full of himself to take notice, least from what Aid had ease dropped at Swerve's, but Aid saw it in a different light. Most things weren't as black and white as they were made to appear. Though it really wasn't First Aid's place to comment, especially without provoking, it still was tumbling around in his processor. He'd make a mental note to stop by more often. It was something he'd wishes Ratchet would have done after mutating Ambulon's corpse in front of his eyes. Nobody should feel haunted by what they've seen.

"So tell me, while I got to be on a flame covered Caminus, what have you been up to? And I don't mean dealing with Sunder and other mechs getting flipped inside out. I mean, personally, how have you been? I'm sure Magnus doesn't try to engage in anything too deep."
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Rodimus
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watch me burn; bright, brighter, brightest
"He writes better than I do," Rodimus pointed out with a shrug. His handwriting was atrocious, which led to him using standard typepad, rather than a stylus. He picked up one of his tools and started prying off another panel, planning to hammer out the dents later. "Seems to me, though, that whole 'drink to forget' deal might be a good idea if Delphi was as bad as Drift told me."

Then again, 'drink to forget' had become Trailcutter's habit and, facing away from First Aid, Rodimus grimaced at the thought of the outlier he'd never given much recognition. He'd finally pressed a Rodimus star into the other mech's hand only after he'd been brutally murdered by two members of the DJD and, Primus, Rodimus felt even more guilty for thinking about Trailcutter with First Aid, who'd gone for help when Trailcutter was trapped, right there.

Pede, introduce yourself to mouth, would you?

Rodimus quickly took up his tool again, prying more panels off the Rod Pod. They all had cosmetic damage only, but underneath would be worse. "The war's over, but we're still running into fights. Imagine Tailgate as our ace in the hole. Innocent looking bot out on the field until they get in close quarters. How epic would that be?"

He hesitated for a moment when First Aid turned the conversation onto him, on how he'd been, what he'd done since the medic had left on call. There it was, the exact conversation he didn't want to have, the one he'd been avoiding the whole time. Rung had tried to get him in for an appointment, but Rodimus wasn't really the type to go to the doctor unless he was actually injured. Injuries of the spark and processor didn't count, not for Rodimus. "Oh, you know," he told First Aid, trying to keep his voice steady, his posture easy, and EM field in check. "Same old, same old. Carved a map, surfed some comets, all those good things I do."
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Jumpercablebabe
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First aid laughed at Rodimus's handwriting comment, fairly certain that he hadn't seen Ratchet's handwriting to known just how bad it was. There was no point in continuing further, and there it was. Drinking to forget. As if Aid hadn't been doing that since Delphi. Even stationed at Delphi there was always access, and as there was First Aid indulged. The Lost Light just made drinking to forget more flamboyant and easy. Ratchet had done it, First Aid was currently living it, Ambulon had been the only one of the three not to.

"It's a little late to suggest drinking. I've been there since before I stepped on the ship, if I'm being honest with you. Not something I'm all to proud to admit, especially when I've been elbow deep in surgery with a foggy processor before. But Ratchet didn't call me reckless for nothing."

First Aid's self care system was beyond reckless. Sure, having a gestalt now pretty much made that impossible had they followed him on board. He couldn't go without recharge for days or without consuming anything but energex for days when there were four others that were feeling the same way he was. But when you shared an emotional and mental bond with four other bots, well, that usually saved First Aid from those thoughts and feelings.

It distracted him.

Pipes, Trailcutter, countless other deaths. Though the one that rattled him and haunted him to the very core of his spark, of course, was Ambulon. Not even hiding the shaky sigh that accompanied the thought, First Aid felt his EM field waver. Quickly he caught himself, the negativity stuffed back down and replaced with a rolling calm.

"Sadly, I can drink every ounce Swerve has to give me, but some things I've seen I'll just never forget. And it's no surprise I blame myself for every member of this crew we've lost. Heck, even Dent... Dent we probably could have saved had Drift not panicked like he had. He was such a sweet mech, a little touchy feely which ended up being his downfall."

It was left unspoken that Dent wasn't the real reason he was drinking so much. What was once a fun hobby became an immediate escape. First Aid wasn't surprised if half the crew felt the same way anymore. They've all been through a lot.

"You know, Ratchet told me once that I should see rung. Ha. I told him when I'm ready I would. I'm still not ready to face Rung, or myself, but that's okay. One day maybe I'll feel strong enough to seek the help. There's nothing wrong with asking for a little help, I guess I'm just afraid still is all."

He felt bad for keeping to conversation in such a grim note. First Aid could read Rodimus like a book. That last question had dipped a bit too personal. No big deal. That was something he could fix.

"It's okay if you aren't really interested in talking about yourself. I'm sure Magnus and Megatron aren't the most social, so, I'm not sure if you get asked those sorts of questions a lot. Though, honestly, it's probably more interesting to talk about the flashier details. Tailgate's shift in spark, punching Prowl in the back, oh did you hear? While I was on Cybertron I guess Optimus has big plans for the Earth. He really wants to Annex the poor planet. I can't say I agree with the decision, it's just not really my place to interject. Who knows. I sure don't know what's going on there anymore."

Watching Rodimus pull off the panels, it reminded him of when he was younger. He'd always been one to disassemble just about everything with the outcome of reconstructing whatever helpless object to make it operate better. Intentionally pushing his EM field a little bit less subtly, Aid quieted down, almost feeling like he had said too much. Without his tight knit security net of friends; ratchet, ambulon, the recently added protectobots, to go to about everything and to just keep him company there was no real surprise that Aid jumped at chattering every chance he really got. That and Rodimus had a talent for keeping his mind occupied.
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Rodimus
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watch me burn; bright, brighter, brightest
"Really? I never see you at Swerve's." Rodimus was no stranger to the bar, visiting often enough that Swerve was quickly running out of new things for him to try. He didn't comment on First Aid doing surgery while still buzzed, though he probably should have; that was more Magnus' thing to comment on. What he did comment on was the medic's self-blame for the ones they'd lost.

"You can't blame yourself," he told the medic, pulling himself away from the Rod Pod to turn towards First Aid. He'd heard the sigh from the other mech and felt just the briefest wave from First Aid's EM field. A hundred reasons why the deaths in the crew roster were not First Aid's fault ran through his processor - most of the deaths could be, in one way or another, traced back to Rodimus himself. He'd failed them as their captain, let them pay the price for his mistakes. He was alive, carrying out the quest they no longer could because he hadn't been the captain he should have been from the start. "Their deaths aren't on your hands, Aid."

They were on his. He had so many deaths on his hands. After four million years of war, who didn't? It just seemed to be worse after the war was over, to still have people dying because of him.

"Rung's resigned," Rodimus continued after a moment. He shifted, picking up another one of the tools he had scattered on the floor of the bay, handing it over to First Aid and gesturing for the other mech to join him in prying off the dented panels so he could get to the damage underneath. "We're out our only psychiatric. So unless we pick up another, the only ones we can talk to are each other or ourselves. Not sure how much help that's going to be."

A smirk crossed his lips as First Aid went on about the things that had gone on since the medic had parted with the ship. "You punched Prowl? You're officially my favorite bot on this ship." He paused, then arched a brow. "Wait, Optimus wants to what?"
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Jumpercablebabe
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"Oh, don't worry, if I'm not in the medbay don't even bother checking my habsuite. I'm at swerve's. I can 10% promise you that. Maybe I'm getting too cynical like Ratchet was, I dunno, all I can say is I don't blame him for leaving. Dunno how much he told you about his trip off board, but I later found out the reason. Has nothing to do with you, I assure, just a lot of self guilt of things he shoulda done sooner."

Only difference was, well, Ratchet still had the chance. Aid couldn't just, well, hop back in time and confront his guilt. Brainstorm was an example as to why that sort of thing was now extremely frowned upon. Maybe in another life Ambulon was still, no pun intended, kicking. Not everyone was lucky enough to be Chromedome and Rewind and cross inter-dimensional timelines to deal with their problems.

"Rodimus, it's not even just passengers on the lost light. Every patient at Delphi that suffered because of my lack of awareness to our situation fell because of me. I try not to let it consume me, but it hurts when we lose members on the ship here and there. It's inevitable. And it's not your fault as captain... It's really not my fault directly either, but I'm sure you also let the guilt eat at you from the inside out. Even just a little."

His reaction gave him away. Either way, First Aid felt very sad for just how much loss happened on the ship.

"There's nobody else id want as captain on this ship. I'm not sure anyone could handle the stress like you do."

Well that info about rung was new. Then again, that hadn't happened while he was onboard. There was no way he'd known.

"Well, that's some good news to remember. Hopefully Rung is doing well, I haven't seen him since returning. But, Rodimus... You know that you can always come seek me out of you need anything. I know I haven't been the most impressionable since boarding, and that you have your own social circle of mechs on board to approach first, but if you ever decide to take your own advice I'm around. It's not an empty gesture."

The medic smiled as sweetly as he could, most of the emotion forced to show through the glow of his optics and the warmth of his field. There was no way he had intentions of lowering his face mask, at least not for a very long time.

"But, yeah. Superion had fallen, Starscream used the emblem on us protectobots to form Defensor to stop Devastator. Rodimus, Caminus was in flames. It was just as gruesome as Mirage had imagined. I have so many questions about prowl. I'm sure it's nothing I'll get answers on for a long while." Clicking his tongue, that left the last topi at hand. "Y-yeah. Optimus ideas set on annexing the Earth. What he's thinking, or not thinking, I have no idea. Maybe he's making all the bad choices for all the right reasons in his head? I can't really see justification. Earth is opposed, I don't even know about the galactic council... Us protectobots found out on accident... I know you and Optimus have some history, thought I'd help keep you in the loop."

That dull ache from the Gestalt bond returned, causing Aid to teeter slightly. It was really draining him, less and less each day but it was gradual. Without ambulon to talk with about the pain there was no one on board to relate. As tempting as it was to plop down and lie out on the shuttlebay floor, Aid remained on both feet.

"We really should get a drink at Swerve's together sometime. I think I'd enjoy that a lot. I'll let you ask me any questions you can, honest answers only. Though I can't promise I know everything."
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Rodimus
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"Yeah, he really didn't say much to me before he left," Rodimus noted. Ratchet had said he was going after Drift, officially put First Aid in as CMO, and left. He'd let the medic go, not wanting to drag out any sort of goodbyes and he'd left it at that. He couldn't control Ratchet and the quest was voluntary to start with; all he'd been able to do was wish Ratchet luck in finding Drift.

Rodimus shook his head when First Aid said that it wasn't his fault they'd lost crew members. "Aid, I let Prowl convince me to stow away Overlord on my ship. Tripodeca, Rewind, Pipes, they all died because I let Prowl manipulate me. Magnus almost died because of me." Overlord's killing spree was an old wound to many on the ship, most of the crew never wanting to speak of the incident, but Rodimus held onto the guilt from his part in letting it happen. It was the same guilt that ate at him for Nyon, even after all this time. "How can you say it's not my fault?"

He'd wanted to avoid this - talking about his guilt and how it had returned to him full-force in the last few weeks. He never talked to anyone about it. Even Rung had never managed to wrangle him into a therapy session to talk about it, though Primus knew, the mech had tried. The last time Rung had talked to Rodimus about guilt, he'd sent the psychiatrist away, stung by the point that Rung had hit and stung worse by the point Rung hadn't hit. Aside from his confession to the crew about Overlord, Rodimus had forced back everything, not letting anyone see past the public face he wore, casual and egotistical, to hide everything else. He'd long since mastered bottling everything up, venting only when he was alone, carving into desks, jumping comets, racing on the flats of whatever planet they stopped by, all to get out his frustrations.

And yet First Aid was saying that he wouldn't want anyone else as captain, because no one could handle the stress like Rodimus. Knowing First Aid thought so made Rodimus' spark pulse with relief; at least he still had someone on this ship who could say they wanted him as captain to his face. He was grateful for that, at least.

He didn't really know what to say about Caminus and the Protectobots, combiners and Mirage's visions. All of that was stuff he didn't really know much about. But Optimus annexing Earth? Rodimus had no idea what Optimus was thinking with that move, either, and it didn't surprise him in the least that Earth was opposed. "Not much we can do about it," he pointed out. "We have our quest to finish. And - " Rodimus cut himself off when he caught sight of First Aid wavering and he reached out to steady the medic. "Whoa, we can talk drinks together later, are you okay?"

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Jumpercablebabe
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"Ratchet, well, he kind of did his own version of what Brainstorm had intended with the briefcase ordeal. Go back and save someone he cared about. I'm glad for him that he had the chance. I know I don't."

That was something First Aid had come to understand over time. At first the whole time traveling thing was baffling and convoluted. But after the fact, given time to let it soak in, First Aid understood 100% where Brainstorm had been coming from, where his intentions lied. If one could go back in time to save someone they hadn't been able to, well, wouldn't you? Only problem was the obvious, messing around with space and time was messy business. While it sounds good in thought, in practice it's a bad idea.

"Okay, but you're still not 100% at fault. Yeah, prowl manipulated you. But what's that have to say about prowl, hmm? You think his hands are clean of these deaths? And wasn't chromedome also poking around where he didn't belong? Or was that all tumors and speculations? I know I don't leave the medbay much, but there's gossip Rodimus. Reliable or not is one thing, but still it comes from somewhere. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you have every reason to blame yourself but it's not all your fault what happened."

Debating if he should say this next part, jury decided on yes. Rodimus could probably use it.

"Rodimus you're captain for a reason. You have the charisma and the confidence to actually move this mission forwards. Sure, you're not as smart as brainstorm but honestly who is??? And yeah, you're by no means perfect either. But there's a reason you're Rodimus prime and you're even standing on this ship to begin with. Everyone has their reasons for being here of course, most of them personal, but if none of them truly believed in you at all they never would have hopped on board. You're responsible for giving a lot of us second chances, me included. If you ever get the chance, when Hot Spot gets back I think you'd two get along."

Hot Spot and Blades had been discussing it briefly on their rescue mission. Leadership and the like. First Aid had mainly been a spectator along side Groove, but that didn't stop him from absorbing the whole thing like a sponge. Cybertron wasn't the same. It wasn't peaceful even tho there was no war. The Lost Light was a chance for some to reach peace, for some to feel useful, to feel like they were making a change.

"Y-yeah, I'm good. But thank you, really, uh." First Aid paused at the touch, trying not to lean into it. "I'm really okay, I assure you, I just need to try and see if there's anything Lottie can do for me. I got bonded to my gestalt, who aren't here on the ship. I kinda hopped the gun a little fast and since I'm so far off from the others it causes a few issues. One of which is this dull ache in my spark chamber, but the worse of it is recharging. Not only have I not gotten a single decent recharge cycle, there's been an issue where as soon as I hit about half of what ever energy I have it makes me feel like I'm fatigued. Nothing life threatening, but it's an inconnivence. I'll be able to fix it I'm sure, I just might need Lottie's help."

Touch always helped. Not just because First Aid was a bit touchy normally, but because his body was demanding attention from his bond. Had Ambulon still been around, he was a part of an artificial gestalt and could relate to what Aid was experiencing. But without him, Aid had to deal with the pulses alone. That was at least tolerable. But typically having more bodies on him and around him helped with the seperation anxiety. Which was one good thing about the crowded ship. It was easy to wedge himself into crowded areas for awhile and find peace within crowds.

"Optimus worries me. I'm not sure what changed, but everyone's starting to notice that something is wrong. It just feels like nobody is actually stepping up and dealing with it, instead just blindly putting all their faith into him. It's not that I don't want to believe in Optimus, but it worries me. If Megatron could become an Autobot... Do you think it's even possible that Optimus could fall and turn Decepticon?"
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Rodimus
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Rodimus kept quiet about Brainstorm and the whole time-travel adventure; he had never told the others what he'd tried to do when they jumped the first time and had run into Trailcutter - Trailbreaker, as he'd been back then. He suspected the group he'd been with had figured out what he'd done when he'd been so distressed that Trailbreaker had shaken Chromedome's hand, the memory of Rodimus' warning taken with the rest of the memories that had been erased. He'd bent one of the rules he'd declared before they jumped in order to try to save Trailbreaker from the terrible fate he'd suffer at Ofsted XVII and it had been for nothing in the end.

"Chromedome wouldn't have been poking around if Overlord wasn't on the ship," Rodimus pointed out. Prowl had wanted the mnemosurgeon to poke and prod at Overlord and if Rodimus had never let himself take the bait on Prowl's taunting, Chromedome wouldn't have been risking himself, Overlord wouldn't have found a way out, and Rewind and the others wouldn't have died. "It is my fault, Aid. I should have been a better captain and never put my crew in danger the way I did. 89 mechs wanted me gone after I came clean about Overlord. Even Optimus thought I should have stepped down."

Based on what First Aid had to say about him being captain for a reason, Rodimus guessed that the medic was one of the 101 who voted Rodimus stay on as captain. Again, he felt a pulse of warmth towards the other mech in his spark, appreciative of what First Aid had to say. A small smile crossed his lips. "Thanks, First Aid. That's something I really needed to hear. And if Hot Spot's anything like you, we probably will get along."

He kept his hand on First Aid, not particularly convinced the medic was alright, especially when the other mech mentioned not getting any recharge. "You should rest," he told him. Rodimus wasn't really known for being the type to show concern, often acting too cool for the situation or playing things off, sometimes outright ignoring the problem, but he'd failed too many members of his crew. He had to take care of the mechs on his ship. That was part of what being captain - or even co-captain - meant. "You're the CMO, you should be careful. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Rodimus was no stranger to having faith in Optimus, but he was beginning to worry about the older mech now as well. He just didn't know what he could do about it. Maybe call Optimus and ask some questions, but it would be a reach to get a message to Earth from where they were. Even if they did get in contact, what would he ask? What in Primus' name are you thinking?? seemed too brash to say to Optimus, even for Rodimus. At First Aid's question, Rodimus paused. "I don't - no, he'd never do that." Then again, hadn't they all said that about Megatron becoming an Autobot? Rodimus shook his head. "Don't worry. Optimus might be making a few mistakes, but he'd never become a Decepticon. He made Megatron denounce it, so why would he fall to it?"
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Jumpercablebabe
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"I know it's pretty much an unspoken rule not to bring up the briefcase thing, but Rodimus...? I'm really thankful that you're having this talk with me right now. It's a lot of weight to carry, a lot of guilt, sometimes it's... Good to talk about things we try to avoid thinking about."

Trailbreaker, Ambulon, Dent, Pipes... First Aid carried a lot of guilt for each of their deaths, as he did for many others that had been patients at Delphi or members of the crew. No matter how bad or rough stuff got, Aid never had a doubt for Rodimus's leadership. Being a leader was a hard enough job, upholding a public face on top of the responsibility. It was admirable.

Though, First Aid figured he should sometimes take his own advice. He still hadn't ever really confided in anyone about Ambulon or Trailbreaker. He wasn't quite sure what hurt him more, they both hurt in different ways. One more selfish than the other. Nobody really seemed to have time to talk about such deep topics, nobody wanted to think about loss.

"If you could go back and save one crew member... Could you bear to pick just one? I had this talk with Ratchet once before his trip. Not about your choice, but our personal choices. I thought it would be a long, hard decision. All it really did was make me realize how selfish I could be when viewing life. That I could choose one life over others. But it still hadn't changed my answer any. I hadn't hesitated for a moment with my choice."

Maybe that wasn't the best question to ask. Maybe this wasn't the time, either. Aid had come to comfort Rodimus, all he felt like was increasing the stress and worry. Some CMO he was turning out to be. Maybe he would be able to turn things around, maybe.

"Hot Spot isn't like me. He's more adventurous. Really good at protecting others and getting the job done. Which is why I think you two would get along well. Though last time I think he saw you was when he carried in that creepy space coffin. I mean, I guess it wasn't too creepy as much as just flat out alarming."

If anyone had the right to be alarmed, it was Rodimus. Finding ones self in a floating coffin was never a good sign.

"I'm just glad the others managed to talk you out of cutting off your arms. That wouldn't be very helpful, though I understand where your logic lied. I'm thankful I didn't need to reattach them that afternoon. I'm sure that would have been a trip to the medbay you'd like as much as I would."

Aid was almost afraid to move, unsure how long Rodimus had intended on keeping the contact. His visor dimmed subtly, which went against his will to not show how thankful he was to feel contact after the separation. For once his soark felt more at ease, it wasn't the same but it had been an improvement.

"I'm fine, really. If I was any harm to anyone, I'd be busy letting Lottie scan and prod me. Though I can't argue that a good recharge would be nice. Still, at this current stage it's not for much concern. At least, in my opinion anyways."

He reasoned that he might have to resort to forcing recharge cycles using medication, something he was very against doing. Anything to force his body to rest and relax and not keep him up twitching would be an improvement right now. Though, his body wasnt running at top efficiency either, which could be another issue to come. Aid was reckless, with himself, but never to others. Unfortunately this case unraveled quick that aid needed a solution. But the other crew came first as far as he was concerned.


"You have been fueling and recharging well, yes? I haven't had a chance to see if you were up for a physical yet, I can only go through so many files in a day before my optics grow weary. But I worry that while I was gone that there might be any medical issues that have arisen without the proper consultation."

There was another uncomfortable moment of silence at the thought of Optimus turning Decepticon. Crazier things have happened, among them Megatron turning Autobot and thus crazy plan to Annex the Earth.

"I don't think you should get involved with Optimus's decision. Maybe it's just me, but I feel as if poking your nose in on this one could be suicide. Not in a literal sense but to your position. It's such a poor choice on Optimus's end but to get involved in either side just leaves a lot open for bad luck to run your way. Not that I can truly stop you, but it's just my two cents on the matter."

First Aid begun to press a little against Rodimus's hand. Nothing that he'd fall over without support, but it was a comfort thing to the medic, he just couldn't help basking in the touch for just a few more moments. Giving a sad look to the floor, Aid was recollecting a lot of thoughts. Poor decision after poor decision. If it was this hard for him, Aid wondered just how bad Rodimus must have felt on the ship after everything was said and done. Every fight, death and mishap. Regardless of fault, the past couldn't be replaced. Not anymore anyways.
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Rodimus gave a slight nod. He’d been holding back a lot of guilt for the last several months. The mistakes he’d made and failed to make amends for, the losses on the ship, everything that he’d done wrong since the Lost Light had launched. Talking about it had never really been an easy thing for him; he’d talked to Drift a few times, before the other mech had volunteered to leave the ship to hide the truth of Rodimus’ part in Overlord being on board. After that, he hadn’t really had anyone he was willing to talk to.

First Aid was surprisingly easy to talk to and Rodimus felt like he could trust the medic with the things that had been weighing down on him for months. It felt good to have a little trust in someone again; he’d had his fair share of betrayal and broken trust, but he supposed a medic was pretty trustworthy. Still, when the other mech asked about going back, Rodimus shook his head. “I’ve tried that,” he admitted. “When we went after Brainstorm, I tried to save Trailcutter. I thought I had a chance. I tried to warn him about Ofsted XVII. But it doesn’t work like that, Aid. I wanted to save him, but I couldn’t even do that.”

At the description of Hot Spot, Rodimus couldn’t suppress a soft laugh. “You say that like you aren’t good at protecting others and getting the job done,” he told First Aid. “Adventurous, maybe not, but you’re a good medic and you’ve done a lot of protecting since you came on board. Sounds like you’ve got more in common with him than you think.” He gave a slight grimace at the mention of the coffin; that was something he really didn’t like thinking about. Seeing himself in that coffin had been more than just alarming. “Yeeeah, kind of glad they talked me out of it, too. I’ve already lost my arms on this quest once, even if it was to get rid of the sparkeater.”

Rodimus took note of the way First Aid’s visor dimmed and he could feel the other’s EM field generating a more relaxed feeling than before, so he figured the contact helped. At least he could help somehow. “I’m a little more worried about you than the others. I don’t want you pushing yourself. You medics always take more care of your patients than yourselves. And don’t worry about me. Lottie’s made sure I’m in top shape after the last incident on the ship.”

Though he wasn’t going to admit that he hadn’t been recharging well. For all he acting like he was fine in front of the rest of the crew, especially in front of Magnus and Megatron, he had been painfully turned inside out and he still felt the repercussions of it. So far, a few drinks at Swerve’s had helped with that, but it’d be a while before he stopped waking up from flashbacks of the pain.

“We’ve still got a quest to finish,” he pointed out. “Even if I wanted to get involved – and I do, because I wanna know what in the pit Optimus is thinking – I don’t need him reminding me that I’m supposed to be getting Megatron to the Knights. As if I need him taking over my quest again.”
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