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Sick week; Closed for Rodimus
Topic Started: 22 May 2016, 09:45 PM (210 Views)
Rodimus
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watch me burn; bright, brighter, brightest
Rodimus gave a soft smile when First Aid reassured him that his looks weren't the main reason for the attraction the other mech felt towards him. He knew he was good-looking - oh, did Rodimus know he was good-looking; there were few who matched his narcissism - but the idea of someone seeing more to him than his pretty face and flashy paintjob made him feel better than any compliment on his looks. "Yeah, but how many others know it? Not many, let me tell you."

Another grin crossed his lips as he felt the other mech's field spike. Rodimus had plenty of experience containing his own field and it remained a steady, short wave only reaching so far as to brush against First Aid's, hoping to help steady the other mech's. He couldn't help being amused that the kiss had had this effect on First Aid and he made a note to kiss him like that more often. Given the growing attraction and affection between them - though they weren't officially anything yet, neither of them vocalizing what they were - Rodimus was sure they'd be kissing a lot.

Rodimus looked up at First Aid, seeing the optic fluid under the other mech's visor and his spark clenched. He brought his hand up to cup Aid's cheek, thumb brushing over the soft metal of the other mech's face. He didn't know what to say to stop the tears, never all that great with words when he wasn't spinning a speech together for the crew; these times when words of comfort would be helpful were where Rodimus found himself at a loss. All he could do was bring his other arm to wrap around Aid and pull him close.

He should have remembered that, when the duplicate ship was found and Rewind brought back to their Lost Light, was the same time that Trailcutter had been killed. The events were so close to each other that all of them were blurred together in one chaotic episode. Of course First Aid wouldn't have been in the best health, with the ship and crew disappearing because of the duplication and Trailcutter's death right afterwards. Rewind being brought back to the ship was the one good thing that came out of that whole ordeal. Rodimus shifted, lifting his hand behind First Aid so he could see Trailcutter's badge over the other mech's shoulder as he held First Aid to him.

"We...while you've been in here, a few things have happened," Rodimus began with Aid's prompting. He hesitated, not wanting to cause any panic in the other mech with everything that had happened. "The ship came in contact with some sort of enigma. Mechs that weren't on the ship before suddenly showed up everywhere. Some of them stayed. Most of them stayed." He wasn't sure how to bring up Ambulon, since he couldn't really explain why the other medic hadn't stayed, so he kept his focus on Trailcutter for the moment. "Trailcutter's one of the ones who stayed."

He paused for a moment, letting that information settle, before continuing. "He's not...he's different from the Trailcutter who died. His timeline was different. But he's on board. He's alive."
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Jumpercablebabe
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"I know it means a lot to you; how others see you and what they think, but for right now what I think is more important. And I say that everything you going going on in here," he paused, giving a gentle like to Rodimus's forehead. "Anddd in here," another poke, this time to just above where his spark rested beneath his flashily painted chest casing. "Both of those are far more important to me than how pretty your face is. Besides, if everyone saw this side of you surly some of the others would want you too. I'm not very good at competing. Especially if it's to make my affections shown."

"You're such a tease," First Aid gave a soft whine, wanting another kiss. It's not that he couldn't contain his field, he just was too distracted to realize he should be containing it in the first place. With Rodimus's own field tickling and brushing his own, it made it harder to not just let his field flow on its own. Pulling back and releasing, trying to let himself relax, but periodic reminders they weren't all too alone. But he giggled at all the sweet affection. Every nuzzle, kiss, gentle touch. Wobbly, slanted smile across his faceplates, his spark giving a happy pulse.

This is how things should feel all the time, he thought softly to himself.

It wasn't long before the emotions caught up to him. What had started as a few loose tears, a few dribbles of optic fluid, turned into a steadier flow down his cheeks. Hiccuping, Aid turned towards Rodimus's gentle caresses. It led to an awkward combination of crying and laughing, only quieting down when Rodimus hugged him close. Embraced comfortably, slouched back to the pillows with Rodimus's weight over him, Aid continued to drink up every word Rodimus had to share, feeling both sorrow for their lost ones but an overwhelming source of comfort in the captains arms.

"Yeah, I, I hadn't really a chance to go out much recently to see for myself. I briefly saw Pipes, but Pharma... He's not our Pharma, Rodimus. I, I sorta snuck outta my room the other night to go apologize and make amends with him. It's important to me that, well, he likes me. But, you said Trailbreaker returned too?"

That was some good news. The pink elephant, as always, was ambulon. Aid wasn't just about ready to ask and he figured Rodimus wasn't going to tell. Something in his spark had told him the other medic wouldn't stay. Oh how he'd cry, he'd pray and he'd beg. Had he known, of course, desperate for the medic to stay. Never would First Aid hold any negativity for him leaving, in his mind he had assumed he'd be home wrecking some alternate form of himself even if Ambulon had stayed. It was just easier for everyone if Ambulon hadn't stayed, even if it hurt.

Which it did. It hurt a lot. Any calmness aid had collected was now kicked back to square one, fresh leak of optic fluid weeping freely. Heavier this time, as he held back less. Pending up his emotions only caused more pain down the road, and now seemed like the most appropriate time to get it all out of his system.

"C-can I ask for another kiss?" He hiccuped, mumbling against Rodimus's audio. He wasn't able to completely reciprocate the hug, which was frustrating in its own, as he was limited to the use of only one arm, so Aid tried to make up for it by warming that good hand and rubbing it gently to Rodimus's spoiler. As much as he wanted to tease and trace those seams and drive the captain crazy, he had to remain somewhat professional. Comfort interface may have sounded good on paper, or in his head, but even Aid knew in practice right here right now it would be the furthest from ideal. What he needed was comfort and support to get through this, and the first step he'd have to take would be to let those who cared to get close enough to smother him with their care. It was easy to lose himself to this feeling of needing to save everyone but never saving himself. Deep in his processor he hoped Rodimus would be that hero.
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Rodimus
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Rodimus laughed when First Aid said that others would want him if everyone saw this side of him and that the medic wasn't good at competition. "I don't think you have anything to worry about. I don't let just anyone see this side of me. I learned my lesson about that a long time ago."

If there was a hint of bitterness in his voice, it was only because Rodimus had let that side of him show before and it had ended in betrayal. He'd gone back for Dealer, fought through Styx to bring the other mech home, let the other see his compassion and guilt; Dealer, as it turned out, had double-crossed him the whole time and that was when Rodimus stopped letting others that close to him. He'd done a pretty good job of it until he and Drift had become friends and, over the course of this quest, he'd started opening himself up again, if only to a select few.

"And besides, there's no competition," Rodimus continued. He let his lips curl in another smile as he pressed another slow kiss against First Aid's lips. "I'm with you. I won't just leave you because someone else wants me."

At being called a tease, Rodimus gave another grin, letting his hand run over First Aid's back again as his field pulsed against the other mech's. "I can't help myself. I like teasing you." He liked teasing his partners in general, but Primus, First Aid was cute and Rodimus just loved to tease this mech. He knew that Aid liked the attention and if the other mech ever wanted anything more, Rodimus would be glad to give more.

Of course, that also applied when First Aid needed the comfort and Rodimus, as those tears fell over the medic's cheeks, pulled him close, pressing kisses against the other mech's helm. No one on the ship was a stranger to loss, least of all Rodimus, and when he'd lost Nyon, all he'd wanted was for someone to hold him like he held First Aid now. Just knowing someone cared enough to be there, to give any bit of comfort they could, that would have meant more than any words. For First Aid, Rodimus would give whatever comfort he could, even if he couldn't find words, he could hold him, kiss away the tears, and be there for the other mech.

"I talked to Pipes, too. Pharma, aside from the bar fight, I've been avoiding. Even he's not the Pharma from this timeline or whatever, I don't want to deal with him. I have enough on my hands with all the Decepticons that ended up on board. It's all I can do to keep them under control and Trailcutter, Primus, I just don't want him to get hurt. I don't want us to lose him again. He's a good mech and I should have treated him better."

There were others he should have treated better, for certain, but he felt so guilty about Trailcutter. As soon as he'd gotten over the shock of Trailcutter being back, even if it wasn't the same mech, Rodimus had promised himself he wasn't going to screw up with this Trailcutter.

Rodimus slipped his hand under First Aid's chin as the other mech's tears came back and turned the medic's head gently so they were face to face as Aid asked for another kiss. Bringing his other hand from First Aid's back so he could catch the other mech's face in his hands, Rodimus leaned in, letting his lips just brush against First Aid's at first. "Any time you want," he promised against his lips. "Anything you need from me, I'll give it."

That said, Rodimus kissed First Aid as gently, slowly, and thoroughly as he could. If a kiss would comfort the other mech and keep his mind from painful thoughts and memories, Rodimus would kiss him any time Aid asked.
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Jumpercablebabe
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The longer they stayed lip locked the slower tears rolled down his cheeks. This was new, all the gentle cheek caresses and slow, tender kisses. For the two of them to slowdown and just, just connect. It felt amazing. Wonderful. But it wasn't either of those things because they were kissing, it was the closeness and comfort that came with the action. Lips to lips, glossa to glossa, First Aid could hardly deny that he was melting over the others advances. Hard week for the two of them, they both needed a good cry and some tender care.

His frame was already running warm before Rodimus had come into the room, but by now it had noticeably raised in temperature. Which was nothing bad. If anything, First Aid hoped Rodimus wouldn't let go. It was obvious how much the firey mech enjoyed when he'd grow warm in the past, Aid hoped this would be no different. Well, a little different. He was looking for a little bump and grinding of plating at the most, seeking physical weight to his frame in a series of comforting embraces rather than in innapropiate display in his medbay. Another day for that, he honestly wouldn't have the energy.

The hand that had previously found home massaging over Rodimus's spoiler had found new efforts to hug the mech as close as he could without hurting himself. Finally he turned head, cheek to Rodimus's lips and vice versa, briefly treating the cheek plating with the same slowness and affection he had just shown the other's lips. Sighing to the metal, he needed a minute or so to collect himself. Too easy to get mesmerized and lost when he was with rodimus. It was easy to forget he was hurt and a patient to his own medbay. Thankful for that, he knew he couldn't escape forever. Sighing so softly, blowing into Rodimus's audio, digits traced circles over his back seams.

"We both can stand a lot of improvement. I could learn to treat others better. For now, you'd comfort and needs are my priority," if Rodimus hadn't already sensed Aid's field, he couldn't miss it now. Maybe the medic didn't care if anyone else could sense the powerful warmth and longing that practically filled their room. Either way, it pressed against Rodimus's own field, waving in its own kind of pleasure.

It was an unspoken that the topic of loss could be held off for another outing. Now was a time for healing the hurt with comfort. Surly with their chests so close Rodimus could weakly feel Aid's spark pulse. Soft whine to his cheek and Aid left another few brief kisses to his jaw. Neither were being all too secretive or subtle, despite the sensitive topic of what they were. Which drew out an all different conversation.

"No competition." Aid parroted back, letting his hand rest lower on the others back. There it could tease at his waistline, just above his hips. "What are we? I know we agreed to no labels but, Rodimus, where do we stand?" The question hung heavy but it wasn't anything negative. Curious question, nothing bitter or calloused. "It's a long shot off, but even if we were to court, it would have to be in secret wouldn't it? No matter where either of us stand we have to be in secret, huh?"

It was a little difficult having to bottle his affections until they were behind closed doors. Secret dates, off planet meetings, it all sounded like romantic rendezvous. Something out of a holo vid. Things like that made them miss out on holding hands and little affectionate gestures in public, and while it was a thing Aid could live with, he wanted to make sure that Rodimus felt the same.

"Please, whatever you do, don't ever stop teasing me. I adore it."

Not even waiting for Rodimus to answer his previous question, Aid began to rearrange them. Still slouched to the pillows on his berth, aid pulled one leg up to wrap lazily around Rodimus at the waist, resting over hip. His opposing arm moved back up, teasing caresses to the side of that red helm, occasionally brushing over the gold of his crest. Chest to chest, stomach to stomach, it was a better fit. But Rodimus could use a little guiding as well, especially for the medic to feel truly pampered with affection.

"Might you move one hand to my side? I like when you touch on my frame, but especially at my chest and curves. But the helm pets are a nice touch too," all mumbled against Rodimus's cheek, Aid waited a few moments before planting a few more kisses, in hopes to get some of his own in return. In a daze, clouded by affection, to aid they finally had a little privacy bubble. He wasn't going to let any injured arm pop it for him.
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He fiddled with the bow neatly tied at the top of the box. Ratchet wanted his get-well-soon gift to look as presentable as a simple crimson ribbon wrapped around a white box could possibly be. The style of presentation was obviously influenced by human culture. He had seen it in several of the movies that played during movie nights and in glimpses he got of Swerve's 'holiday special' sitcom episodes. Not that First Aid's bed-ridden state was something to be celebrated. Ratchet was just hoping that he would get a surprised and joyful reaction out of First Aid when he finally saw what was inside. After all, joy was something First Aid probably needed to feel the most right now, even if it was just for a few seconds.

Finally satisfied with the symmetry of the bow, Ratchet picked up and held the box with both his hands as to not accidentally drop it on his way to the medibay. The present inside was especially fragile, and even with Ratchet's finely tuned hands, still needed to be carefully assembled so that it would function properly. An almost smug smile crossed his face. He knew that First Aid would love it. Even he would make another one for himself if he ever found the time.

It wasn't even a full two minutes of exiting the medibay did he run into Pharma. He gave the friendliest nod he could at the other medic as they walked past each other in the corridor. Relief relaxed his shoulders once Pharma was out of sight, but not entirely since he was still in sound. It was one thing to kill one's own patients for their transformation cogs, another thing to use Ambulon as a plaything for one's sick games, and an entirely different thing to cut off the arm of one of your closest friends. First Aid had always told him to 'forgive and forget', but Ratchet found it much harder to forget than forgive.

When the sound of Pharma's footsteps left Ratchet's audio receptors, the entrance to the medibay was just in front of him. He took one last glance down at the gift that was being held cautiously in his hands to see if everything was still in place. He closed his optics and shook his helm. No, no. It was time he stopped stalling and actually gave the damn thing to First Aid. The ribbon and the wrapping paper was going to be torn off anyways, so it really shouldn't matter at this point. Ratchet took one step in and awaited the sight of First Aid on a slab, and maybe even a greeting from the medic as well.

Instead, Ratchet was greeted with the sight of reds, yellows, and whites arranged in a mess, and a mix-match of limbs tangled with one another. His own legs froze on the spot and the box in his hands was now being held precariously. Just what in Primus's name kind of abomination was Ratchet witnessing with his own two optics. Still standing there and staring, he finally got hold of just what he was seeing right now.

The sighs and sweet nothings shared between Rodimus and First Aid finally registered in Ratchet's audials. It was obvious that the two haven't noticed the intruder, considering how they were still going at it without a single care in the world. Everything about Ratchet was stiff, save for his face, which was in shock. Not jaw-dropping shock, but optic-widening shock. Had he opened his mouth, nothing but meaningless stutters would have come out.

A loud thud followed by a muffled clatter brought the attention of everyone in the room to the floor in front of Ratchet's feet. The box lay there on its side, ribbon still thankfully in its place for Ratchet's perfectionist sake. He looked up the two bots in front of him. It was too late to dash now, so Ratchet brought his arms down to his sides and straightened himself the best he could.

"You're not hurting his arm, are you," he asked, looking directly at Rodimus. Ratchet was trying to stave off the annoyance in his voice. Anywhere but the medibay, he thought as he awaited an answer from the captain.

You could have done this anywhere and at any different time, but the medibay? Of all places and times, the medibay while First Aid was still recovering?
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Rodimus
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Rodimus had been about to respond to First Aid's questions to what they were - they were good questions, really, and though they had agreed on no labels, the fact that Rodimus wanted to court Aid in time all but required at least something. They would have to keep it a secret, at least until both of them were ready to let others know, though that involved making sure no one started any rumors, which they'd both agreed they didn't want. Rodimus didn't know what to call them, if he was going to be honest.

He'd opened his mouth to reply and answer those questions when he head the clatter and thud that announced another's presence and when he looked over, he found himself pretty well surprised to see Ratchet, of all the mechs in the universe, standing there. When did Ratchet come back to the ship? Why hadn't Rodimus been told? Captain or co-captain, he should have been notified when the former CMO had come back to the Lost Light, but he didn't remember ever getting the word. He'd been so busy with the recent Decepticon additions to the crew manifest that he'd lost track of all the other going-ons on the ship, but certainly Magnus would have commed him to tell him that Ratchet was on board.

Yet Rodimus had no recollection of any memo and here he was, sprawled out on top of First Aid in a position that no medic - retired or not - would want to see in the medibay, Rodimus' hands placed one at Aid's hip as requested and the other still caressing his cheek with First Aid's leg hooked around his waist. Though they'd done little more than kissing and light petting, it was still a clearly intimate position and incredibly inappropriate in the medibay. Anyone else would have tried to pull away and apologize for shenanigans, but Rodimus stayed right where he was and shot Ratchet one of his cocky, carefree grins.

"Hey, Ratchet!" he greeted the former CMO, cheer in his voice. "Long time no see! When did you get back?" He brought his hand from First Aid's cheek and gestured to the other mech's arm. "Totally not hurting his arm, promise. I'm being very careful, you'll be glad to know, if a little shocked that I'm being careful."

He was fairly certain, even as he spoke, that he was absolutely going to be banned from stepping foot in the medibay again while First Aid was recovering.
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Despite facing the door, First Aid had been so hyper focused on Rodimus that he hadn't even noticed that Ratchet had entered the private recovery room. It was a long term process to recover from, so he was at least given a little extra privacy than one of the berth out in the front. But still. Even if Rodimus had wanted to take things further First said just didn't have the energy to keep up. Though it still didn't make their positions on the bed any less intimate.

Drinking up every sweet nothing Rodimus had to whisper, Aid's face was a mix between a blush and tear stained from his previous cry session. Feeling trapped in his own medbay, soaking up any and all affection Rodimus could give him. It wasn't until the attention was no longer on himself that Aid noticed Ratchet standing there.

Pharma or Velocity were looking like way better options now. Least with Pharma he could get away with a little cheeky wave, and Lottie would simply just duck out as soon as she entered. Ratchet was a horse of a different color. Intake pulling tight, first aid removed his leg from around Rodimus's waist. That seemed like a good start.

His emotions had already been punched and pulled thin prior to Ratchet's entrance, but it sure didn't make things any better. He whimpered and attempted to make himself appear smaller by shuffling further beneath Rodimus. Guilty optics peaked out from beneath the speedster, feeling nothing like he had a few moments prior. Field once full of warmth and softness was now pulled closed though given their distance Rodimus would be able to feel, and now it was replaced with a sensation of embarrassment. He hadn't even begun to feel the disappointment in himself but he knew that it was coming, as soon as Ratchet spoke it it him.

"M-my arm is okay, he's been very careful."

The words were muffled, as aid had begun to knuckle bite on his good hand. He was starting to feel reasonably anxious. At least he had almost like a buffer between him and Ratchet, unfortunately for Rodimus he was the buffer. Still unknowing to the gift, First Aid felt torn. He wanted to spend time with the two of them, but as it was starting to look that wouldn't be possible. Ratchet would ban or shoo off Rodimus, and then leave himself. It frustrated him as a patient, just not wanting to continue and lie down all alone for days on end. Maybe he was a little fatigued but still, he was healing, he didn't want to feel trapped much longer.
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Even with Rodimus's surprise at his own caution, Ratchet still doubted the captain. Anyone who's ever met the captain would doubt him, too. He peered over at First Aid for a response, but it seemed that the medic was busy trying to untangle from and shrink underneath Rodimus at the same time. It took him almost everything to not tap his pedes in impatience, the need to forgive in the back of his helm was the only thing helping him from doing so.

First Aid confirmed Rodimus's actions, and Ratchet sighed in relief. At least there's that, he thought. He was still extremely annoyed, and even a drop of disappointed with the two. Even if First Aid wasn't getting hurt, they were still doing things that weren't the most...appropriate for a place like the medibay. Although scolding the two would be the most effective way to get the point across, Ratchet decided against it. He didn't want First Aid to feel any more embarrassed, nor did he want Rodimus to feel as if he didn't approve of the captain's relationship. Well, even if Ratchet did, it's not like Rodimus would care anyways.

"Well, thank you for being careful," he said to Rodimus. He would have smiled to lighten the mood, but that smile would've been forced, and one look at it could've made the mood worse or probably send someone running.

He picked up the box and placed it with the hoard of other gifts for First Aid as he walked over to the berth where the two bots were. It was nice to see that the other crewmates were returning the favor to First Aid. Ratchet knew that First Aid took his new responsibility seriously while he was gone. Even he was a first-hand witness to First Aid's dedication. Looking down at the box again, he hoped that the trinket inside would still be intact, as it had taken quite a fall earlier. And he hoped that it would return the favor, too. He shifted his view to Rodimus, who still wore a smile that made you want to uppercut him. It seemed that Rodimus had his own special way of returning the favor.

"I didn't know the medibay was the new hotspot for couples. Usually it's one of the bars. At least over there couples can show off excessive PDA and blame it on their drunkenness." The sentences were supposed to be jokes, but they came out sarcastic instead. Ratchet grit his teeth. It was too late to take back the words now. Might as well get this over with.

"Maybe you two can continue this elsewhere, and when First Aid can drink using both hands."
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Rodimus still didn't move from his spot over First Aid, especially since the other mech seemed to be trying to hide under him, despite the difference in their frames making it rather difficult for Aid to hide behind the slimmer Rodimus. He reached for the hand First Aid had to his mouth, pulling it gently away so the other mech wasn't biting his knuckle, and kissing it lightly to reassure him that they were still okay. He didn't know how much comfort it would be, since he knew Ratchet was First Aid's mentor and having Ratchet walk in on them was about on par as Optimus walking in on them.

"Yeeeeah, about that," Rodimus replied when Ratchet suggested the bars instead of the medibay. "See, we're kind of...trying to keep this quiet. Going to the bars isn't exactly quiet." He figured that, since Ratchet had already walked in on them, they couldn't try to lie about things between them, but Rodimus could at least make sure the relationship between him and First Aid was kept a secret. Not that he thought Ratchet was going to tell anyone. "Think you could maybe not tell anyone you saw us?"

He didn't want to move away from First Aid or leave the other mech, but they couldn't very well just pick up where they left off. Ratchet would definitely kick Rodimus out if he tried that. With a soft sigh, Rodimus pulled gently away from First Aid and sat up, though he never let go of the other mech's hand.

"We'll talk about everything later," he told First Aid, giving the medic's hand a gentle squeeze. "You need to heal and I have a few things I need to take care of."
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Watching as Ratchet placed the box up with the other gifts, first aid couldn't help but just feel worse. Each and every gift was from Rodimus, minus the newly added. It was the only thing up on the table not from Rodimus, and in the span of what felt like the longest and most uncomfortable 3 minutes of his life, he had gone and disappointed Ratchet. If he could turn invisible, now would have been the time. Ordinarily he was invisible, completely overlooked in a room of his peers. Now he had the spotlight on him. Nothing made him more anxious than a spotlight.

"Ratchet, you're one to talk, right? I've, I made a bad choice okay? I've made plenty of them before and since Delphi. I'm lonely and, and trapped in here, and, and, and you have no right to come and tell me off when you ran off to chase after Drift."

The words were colder than he had meant, immediately flinching at the realization of how defensive he had sounded. It was mostly hurt from his separation to ratchet and the events that preceded all it bubbling to the surface. Frowning, First Aid pulled his hand away from Rodimus. He couldn't look at either of them, feeling all sorts of confusion and, and hurt. Once again, Aid did little to hide his field.

Somehow it was easier to forgive Pharma of all mech's than to face Ratchet, especially after being caught. Looking back and forth between the end tables, Aid looked for his face mask. Spotting it besides a stack of his untouched Medigrade cubes, aid was fast to put it back into place, knocking a few unopened cubes onto the floor with the clumsy motion. All that previous insecurity, feeling alone, it sucker punched him right in the spark.

Damage was done, he wasn't sure how to recover so Ratchet wouldn't be upset with him. Tired and high strung as it was, now embarrassment was tossed into the mix. All in all, sensible thinking was thrown all out the window. Good hand reached up to rub over his covered face, covering his optics, letting them dim beneath his fingers. Hopefully neither would hold it against him. Hopefully things would get better. Things had to get better, they couldn't continue to keep slipping lower and lower.

"If we are done poking fun at my life, or lack of one, maybe it's best that everyone leave. Wouldn't want to continue, I don't know, continue to shame or inconvenience or embarrass everyone."

Voice was far from confident, strong, faltering here and there. It betrayed him, how little he had wanted to be alone. Rodimus knew that. If Ratchet knew him even an ounce then he'd know that too. It wasn't often that First Aid allowed himself to take such a defensive stance, but he was starting to run thin, weariness overcoming his frame. It was like an internal tug-o-war, pushing others away in hopes they'd stay. Not his finest. Far from his finest. He just didn't want to continue to get hurt and disappoint over, and over, and over.

It hadn't been the romantic moment getting ruined that sparked the reaction of negative feelings, but the disappointment from Ratchet. Scowl, frown, the tone of his voice. Disappointment was the worst, second worst feeling to loss anyways.
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All Ratchet could do was nod at Rodimus's words. Ratchet understood completely, but that didn't make him any less upset. When Rodimus sat up, First Aid had nothing to hide under now. All two pairs of optics were on the vulnerable bot, both waiting for a response. Even with Rodimus's reassuring gestures towards First Aid, they both sensed no change in First Aid's field other than growing panic.

When it reached its peak, that's when the other medic finally spoke. That's when First Aid pulled his hand away from Rodimus and turned away from both of them. The words, albeit shaky, had stung. Stung enough for it to settle deep into Ratchet's spark. It made him clench his fists and forced him to steady his ground.

Was it so bad for him to care about Drift? Drift, whose first encounter with Ratchet was when he was on the verge of death. What was wrong with wanting to make sure he stayed alive after being thrown off of the ship? He kept his thoughts to himself, stowed away to be dealt with later. Right now wasn't the best time. Not when Ratchet had already given First Aid too many things to deal with.

The last straw for Ratchet was when he heard the sound of cubes hitting the ground. It was an all too familiar sound for him. He heard it when patients were too weak to hold onto cubes. He heard it when he was in a rush to clear the tables for different equipment. Now he heard it because First Aid wanted to hide himself all over again. Ratchet sat down on a nearby berth and slouched over, hands on his knees, air noisily hissing out of his vents. So much to say, but he'd only make it worse if he let it out.

First Aid spoke again, words shakier and unsure than ever. Ratchet wanted to give the space First Aid seemed to want, but the uncertainty in First Aid's voice glued him to his spot. He looked over to Rodimus and cocked his head in First Aid's direction once he got the captain's attention, silently asking him if they should stay or if they should go. Ratchet had an answer already, but he didn't know if it was the right one.
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Rodimus
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watch me burn; bright, brighter, brightest
Though Rodimus had intended to leave, hoping to give Ratchet and First Aid some space to talk privately because he knew the two of them would undoubtedly need to talk, he couldn't bring himself to even leave the berth, especially when First Aid pulled his hand away. He could feel the mess of emotions in First Aid's EM field, the energy crackling and fluctuating, giving more strength to the hurt in the other mech's voice. The mention of Drift, the reason why Ratchet had left, stung at Rodimus harshly; no matter how long it had been, never mind that Drift had finally returned, it still hurt that he'd had to exile his best friend and he still felt guilty for it. Rodimus looked to Ratchet, an apologetic look on his face - he knew the older medic cared about Drift, had left the ship to go after Drift, to do what Rodimus hadn't been able to do and try to find Drift to bring him back.

Drift had eventually made his own way back to the Lost Light and Rodimus knew he was settling back on the ship again. But Drift wasn't Rodimus needed to focus on right now. First Aid was who he needed to be thinking about and making sure the other mech was okay was his priority - as captain, commanding officer, and, most importantly, as the one closest to First Aid. Rodimus still didn't know what to call them, but he really liked Aid and wanted to make sure he was going to be alright. He caught the tilt of Ratchet's head, the silent question of whether to stay or leave. He knew what he was going to do.

"I'm not going anywhere," he told First Aid. Never mind that Rodimus himself had said he was going to go, he couldn't leave when he could feel how upset First Aid was. Rodimus reached for the medic's hand again, pulling it gently away from Aid's visor, then slipped his free hand under the other mech's chin. "Hey. You're not inconveniencing anyone and you're definitely not embarrassing anyone. I don't know about anyone else in this room, but there's not an ounce of shame in my frame, certainly not from anything you've done. You're the best thing that's happened to me, Aid."

He didn't know if anything he said helped, but he hoped it would make First Aid feel better.
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Jumpercablebabe
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Helloooooo Nurse
Forced to uncurl, as Rodimus grabbed for his chin and hand again, First Aid really lacked the strength to struggle against him. Lips were pressed to a thin line, not that one could see them as the mask has covered. He wanted his hand held, he wanted to be alone, he wanted an embrace, he wanted his space. It was a battle. It was an internal battle, an absolute hell. Hot, cold, hot , cold. Just as unstable as ever.

Perhaps had he been a better patient and continued fueling like he knew he should have he wouldn't be feeling so high strung. But it was nasty, he refused to swallow anymore medical grade. Thick, sour, nauseating medical grade. No more. Certainly he'd just vomit it up anyways

The point wasn't drift. Drift was just a minor foot note. No. Being abandoned was the main point. Chewing on the inside of his lip, Aid bit a little too hard and drew enegrgon into his mouth, a look of unease in his visor at the taste. Disgusting. Not that he could even spit it out with his mask in the way, with Rodimus's face right there in front of him.

"You just, you just left, Ratchet. You just left and you thought you were so clever typing up aaaaall your loose ends on the ship. But what about me, Ratchet? We just lost Teebs, it was all my fault, and you just. You just left. We, I, they're both gone because of me, and I had no one... I just felt abandoned, that you'd leave, no words for closure, just a phone and a letter."

He gripped Rodimus's hand, tighter than he probably should have. It took most of his strength. The conversation was nauseating. Lots of raw feelings, but it wasn't often that Aid would get this worked up, this hurt. It only meant he was trying really hard to forgive and forget.

"Ratchet, what am I to you...? Please be honest, I, I can't... I just wanted to make you proud of me," at which point he started to hiccup. "I, I couldn't save them Ratchet. I couldn't save Ambulon, it hurts every day to come in and look at his desk knowing it should have been me in his place. I couldn't save Trailbreaker, it's so hard to go into Swerve's and, and think about his brain module getting smashed to the inside of his own forcefield."

His frame rattled now, having a complete breakdown. It was bound to happen eventually. Honestly, with how much First Aid swallowed their feelings and pain. Rodimus knew, but probably not to this extent. The medic was good at putting on a mask that he was fine when things weren't. Defense mechanism, something he developed on the ark in attempt to better his clientele with patients. He was the happy medic, the peppy medic, the cute one. Not the sad one that felt guilt for every mishap.

Every death stirred within him, he was not a mech made to fit in times of war. And even though the war was all said and done, supposably, he wasn't so sure that he still fit in.

"Ratchet... Please, I just want to get better. I, I need help. I don't want to feel this sorrow anymore. I'm not someone to be proud of, I'm sorry Rodimus, I'm so sorry."

Figuring by now he blew any chance with Rodimus, being the captain was present for the whole melt down, Aid wanted nothing more than to just evaporate into the air. Or be sucked into the deep vacuums of space. His anger had peaked, just easing down now into exhaustion. Wanting to be coddled and held, taken care of and assured. If only his brothers were here to give him a group hug, reach out to him through the bond. He could ask Rodimus later as to where they were or if they had returned. He'd heard rumors but nothing was set in stone.
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A prodigy. A friend. Someone who doesn't deserve to feel like this. That's what First Aid was to Ratchet. He glanced at him, wanting to say all those things and even more, but a clenched jaw didn't allow him to. The same clenched jaw that made Ratchet leave a letter instead of proper goodbyes, that kept First Aid from hearing the words he needed the most. Of course, Ratchet had always been proud of First Aid. He wouldn't have left so early if he weren't confident in First Aid's skills as a medic after all. Regret chewed away at Ratchet's frame. Maybe if he had told him before, First Aid wouldn't think so lowly of himself. He swallowed, hoping that telling him here and now would somehow be enough to make up for all those times he left his mouth shut.

"We can't save everyone. No one can. Especially us medics." The words fell out effortlessly. These were words that Ratchet had to tell himself every day, and now to First Aid. "Sometimes I even think we can't save anyone at all." He was now standing beside First Aid's berth, cautiously placing a hand on his shoulder and giving a reassuring squeeze. "That doesn't mean we stop trying. Not when we're still able to save the lives of a hundred others. I know Trailbreaker and Ambulon...I know they're important to you," his hand lost its grip for a split second as he choked on his words. "But their deaths weren't something you could've controlled."

Ratchet paused, making sure the words sunk in before he continued. "You know, I've always been proud of you, and I'm still proud of you now. I assumed you already knew. That's why I never told you," he finished, sighing. He glanced off to the side, still holding on to First Aid's shoulder. "I'm sorry for not saying that sooner." Ratchet didn't expect First Aid to forgive him, not after all the harm he's done, but that didn't stop him from meaning every word.

"And..And I'm sorry for all the things I haven't said."
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