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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (26,236 Views)
tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
Thought I`d start a joke thread as I saw the following and it made me chuckle.....

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She
holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" ?

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
thats actually not bad lol
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to Canterbury" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mum and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:cool :clap: :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase. At the Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous customs officer who glared at him and snarled, "Open the case!"

Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin. "What is that?" snarled the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."

"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom. Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"

Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that?" said the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is the bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."

"I always knew that you Russians were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got around to unpacking, watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on a table.

"Who is that?" asked his nephew.

"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold and a bit of black shoe polish."
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
There was a knock on the door this past Sunday morning.
I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
So I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the hell out of me, I've never gotten this far before."
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
:rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.


'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hand and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'
Edited by Olde Farte, Jan 16 2014, 12:05 PM.
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf :rolf
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jacksdad64
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Tornado geek
Dwarf bumps into a girl wearing a mini-skirt


Gets a crack on the head.



:ninja:
Edited by jacksdad64, Jan 16 2014, 01:38 PM.
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madmonk
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Lt Warren "Satan" Monks
Gents,

Bearing in mind that we do have some younger members of the forum can we be careful with the jokes.

Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face!"

Cheers,

Warren
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mrvr6
Lt. john 'Buzz Kill' burton
the csa
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
madmonk
Jan 16 2014, 02:14 PM


Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face!"

Cheers,

Warren
A bear walks into the same bar. Barman says........



















......why the large pause?
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
A white horse walks into a bar. Barman says "We have a Whiskey named after you!"

"Really?" says the horse, "Brian?"


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