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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,175 Views) | |
| Olde Farte | Jul 7 2014, 10:43 AM Post #136 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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BRITISH HUMOUR On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a US. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle. The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle. Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, ?Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired??; She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?" This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honor! This American needs to be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window." |
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| Mark M | Jul 7 2014, 10:56 AM Post #137 |
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Hawk T1
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| Cimmerian | Jul 7 2014, 11:51 AM Post #138 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| stevescan | Jul 7 2014, 11:48 PM Post #139 |
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Airbrush master
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| Olde Farte | Jul 21 2014, 10:16 AM Post #140 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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The joys of growing old. After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty." Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" She replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August." |
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| DevilFish | Jul 21 2014, 11:05 AM Post #141 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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I'm jealous, he gets i more times a year than I did with my ex....
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| Cimmerian | Jul 21 2014, 01:10 PM Post #142 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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| stevescan | Jul 22 2014, 03:11 PM Post #143 |
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Airbrush master
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Twice a year I would be worn out!!!!!
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| Olde Farte | Jul 23 2014, 07:50 AM Post #144 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!! Ray had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Ray: He walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Ray said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Ray what he had... Ray said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Ray to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Ray what he had. Again, Ray said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Ray a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Ray to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Ray sitting patiently in the nude and asked him what he had. Ray said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Ray said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??' |
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| Mark M | Jul 23 2014, 10:08 AM Post #145 |
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Hawk T1
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Doh |
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| Cimmerian | Jul 25 2014, 04:23 PM Post #146 |
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the checkout, he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most of us fellas, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the checkout, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the checkout for him. She asked him what size and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a long, gentle squeeze then picked up the intercom and said.................................... (you'll love this one so keep scrolling..................) . . . . . . . "Mop and bucket to checkout 5" Edited by Cimmerian, Jul 25 2014, 04:24 PM.
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| Olde Farte | Jul 28 2014, 08:04 AM Post #147 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Sunburn Treatment A man passed out on the beach in Naples, Florida for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?' The Doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.' |
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| Olde Farte | Jul 29 2014, 07:48 AM Post #148 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Cletus & Billy Bob Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day in Texas when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?" "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor." |
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| beowulf | Jul 29 2014, 11:52 AM Post #149 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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pretty certain theres no septics on here Why do Americans like blue cheeses? It's the closest they'll ever get to having a culture! Edited by beowulf, Jul 30 2014, 04:12 PM.
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| stevescan | Jul 30 2014, 01:38 AM Post #150 |
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Airbrush master
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Truer than you think.
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2:40 PM Jul 11