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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,083 Views) | |
| Olde Farte | May 8 2017, 07:56 AM Post #1516 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| beowulf | May 8 2017, 09:17 AM Post #1517 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| mac1677 | May 8 2017, 09:23 AM Post #1518 |
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Lt Mac 'Shocker' McSheffrey
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lol that's about right
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| DevilFish | May 8 2017, 11:07 AM Post #1519 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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| beowulf | May 8 2017, 11:33 AM Post #1520 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| DevilFish | May 8 2017, 11:56 AM Post #1521 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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| DevilFish | May 8 2017, 11:59 AM Post #1522 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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| Olde Farte | May 8 2017, 12:02 PM Post #1523 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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What a great selection and I love 'em all. |
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| Olde Farte | May 11 2017, 12:04 PM Post #1524 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A lady went to her priest one day and told him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest asked. 'They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.' 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said... 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!!!' |
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| Olde Farte | May 14 2017, 01:29 PM Post #1525 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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In the heyday of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) which protocol dictates, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." ''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…" At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f**k off." |
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| RJ Tucker | May 15 2017, 03:30 PM Post #1526 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Del, that joke reminded me of this classic: Lt Smedley graduated from Sandhurst 1st in his class. As such, tradition dictated his 1st assignment was at the furthest outpost of Her Majesty's Realm. So, Smedley embarks on the journey of 30 days by steamer, 10 days by train followed by 7 days by pack-mule to the frontier garrison. Upon arrival, he reports to the commanding Brigadier. Brigadier: "Ah...leff-tenant Smedley! Come in, come in. Right! At ease son. Have a seat! Damn glad to have you!" Smedley: "Thank-you, Sir" Brigadier: "Let me explain to you the Officers' Mess routine. Great way to break-up the routine boredom of garrison duty in this God forsaken country. On Mondays, after colors, we put-on our togs and play a little football! What's your spot, Smedley? Striker?!, a Back?!, As tall as you are....goalie?!" Smedley: "Ah... well sir, growing up I was a bit of a sickly child & never played much sports. After I grew out of that, I've found my only real athletic talent is equestrian, Sir" Brigadier: "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Well then... On Tuesdays, we don our mess dress & retire to the officers' club for a few pints, followed by Gin and tonics, then we have dinner with various wines, topped off with a smashing dessert Port! Marvelous! Then we retire to the lounge for brandy and coffee. No athleticism required there eh-wot! What's your favorite libation, there Smedley?" Smedley: (growing pale and feeling a little warm in the Brigadier's office) "Ah... well sir, my farther's an Anglican minister, my mother is the head of our Diocese mission relief charity, sooooo......frankly sir, Alcohol has never passed my lips." Brigadier: "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Well then... Not good at football, don't drink..... I say, Smedley! You wouldn't be queer would you? A wandering eye for the pretty boys, perhaps?" Smedley: (Now crimson with righteous outrage!) "SIR! CERTAINLY NOT! I come from the finest family, I was an alter-boy & Boy Scout! Not playing sports is not a flaw and abstaining from alcohol makes me a better man, not one...one....one.... of those people! SIR!" Brigadier: "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Well then... you're not going to care much for Wednesday nights, either." Edited by RJ Tucker, May 15 2017, 05:49 PM.
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| Olde Farte | May 16 2017, 08:12 AM Post #1527 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Oh yes, brilliant RJ.
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| beowulf | May 16 2017, 04:18 PM Post #1528 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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| Olde Farte | May 17 2017, 08:11 AM Post #1529 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| Olde Farte | May 17 2017, 08:16 AM Post #1530 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!’ He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us. Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'Immediately, there was the answer, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................ You'll like this.......................NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!! |
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2:39 PM Jul 11