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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,082 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he was finished the devil in forms him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.

When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.

Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.

Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.

The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
hahahahahaha i like that one


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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Jimmy Krankie and Elton definitely.......................... :whistle
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
"My drug dealer sold me a pair of shoes.

(Pause)

(stand-by...)

(Wait for it...)

(Wait...)

(not yet....)

.

.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day." *
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* brazenly lifted from anther forum......thbbbbbft!
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
Brilliant RJ
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf Love it....
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
On a train from London to Edinborough, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me...I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
beowulf
May 25 2017, 11:57 AM
On a train from London to Edinborough, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me...I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother."
Mum was from Kent...

:laugh:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
It is NOT my INTENTION to upset or offend anybody with this post.

Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
Edited by Olde Farte, Jun 3 2017, 12:25 PM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
It is NOT my INTENTION to upset or offend anybody with this post.

A young lady was waiting for a bus and as the bus stopped it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body ? I don’t even know who you are !”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Why I eat lunch at this place everyday!

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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Made me smile, I always preferred my Whisky old and no ice.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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