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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,081 Views)
tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
Two friends meet each other on the street.
”Hi Sid, Where you come from?” asked Bill.”
I’ve just come from the cemetery after burying my mother-in-law” replied Sid.
”I’m so sorry to hear that” said Bill, “But why is your face covered in scratches?”.
Sid replied, “She put up one hell of a fight!”
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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That's good'un! :cool
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
That's so cruel, mind you I buried mine during the 1990s
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
My apologies to our friends across the pond.

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple inboard, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger inboard, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”

The captain responds, “Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One...”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia .”
"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other, and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the Room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll It be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 Cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the Bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a Dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same"

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the Men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retirees from Scotland: they're waiting for Happy Hour when the drinks are half price".
Edited by Olde Farte, Jun 25 2017, 11:20 AM.
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A Politician, a TV Reporter and a British soldier were captured
by ISIS.
They were as usual sentenced to death by beheading.
Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could each have one last request
before sentence was carried out.
The Politician asked to hear a rendering of ‘Keep the red flag flying here’.
The Reporter asked that the beheading be televised so that even when she was
dead her face would be on TV.
The Trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse.
As the trooper's was such an unusual request ISIS decided to carry this out first, and as the last kick landed, the Trooper pulled
a hidden 9 mm pistol out of his smock,
shot three terrorists dead, grabbed one of their fallen AK47s and shot dead
the rest of the terrorists.
The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be
kicked three times before drawing his gun.
"Because", said the Trooper, “when we get back to the UK I don’t want you
pair of arseholes saying it was an unprovoked attack !”
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
I hope he left them there. :wicked
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
Edited by tc2324, Jul 3 2017, 01:35 PM.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Groan!!! ....... that was pretty crumby. :blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant".

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection I get a headache."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do here, today, may be a burning issue somewhere else, tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.
Edited by Olde Farte, Jul 4 2017, 08:40 AM.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Angus?”
“Mother,” says Angus, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”
“Oh, Angus! How do you manage to put up with them?”
“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean
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