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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,080 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Doh........................ :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:bang: :bang: :bang: :dead
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light.

"No ma'am", said the Gardener.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling
casino trip.

An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been
molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he
tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that
she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old
wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd
been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first
rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his
hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time
I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
I would never be able to think of a reply like this!!

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I did not do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with other people my age.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, “ARE YOU NUTS?" You are 78 years old and now you are going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “GOOD GRIEF, DAD WHERE ARE YOUR GLASSES?!"

This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I am in trouble again,” I said, “I really do not know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
A common tale, but tragic none the less!


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This gives me a BIG sad..... :ohmy
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Edited by beowulf, Jul 15 2017, 10:52 PM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf oh, I love those 2. HTF do you clear your tracks?
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve


THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
In the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, a
young, recently promoted Knight, Sir Notalot, joined that august
body just as they were about to go out on yet another of their
interminable forays after the Holy Grail. He ran, panting, into
the court to find King Arthur alone and he said, "Sire, what must
I do to join the other knights on their quest?"
King Arthur said "Well, first you must get yourself some armour -
it is dangerous out there!"
So Sir Notalot went off to the chief armorer and said "I need
armour to go in search of the Holy Grail - what can you offer me?"
The Armorer said "Well, I can do you the bespoke stainless steel
all-over protect-all with expanding cod-piece for 100 livres, the
same model in galvanized iron for 80 livres or the fully rusting
chain mail for 60 livres.
Poor Sir Notalot could not afford any of these options, so he said
"What can you do for 20 livres?"
The armorer said "If you care to go round the back of the Frog
and Bucket ... " (at least that's what I think he said) "... you
will find a large pile of discarded pewter ale tankards. Collect
as many as you can and bring them back here and I shall fashion
them into armour for you."
So, Sir Notalot went to the inn and collected all the pewter mugs
he could carry and took them back to the armorer. This good man
then proceeded to batter the tankards flat and hang them on
strings around Sir Notalot's neck until his whole body was covered.
The only problem was that Sir Notalot *clanked* at every step.
Sir Notalot walked back to the court - clankity, clankity all the
way. He walked into King Arthur's presence to show off his new
armour and the King said "This is all very well, but you need a
fine charger to ride with the other knights when they leave
tomorrow."
Sir Notalot then went to the farrier to see what he could offer.
The farrier said "Well, I have this fine white charger at 100
livres or this slightly smaller dappled mare at 80 livres or...."
Sir Notalot said "OK, cut the crap, what have you got for 20?
That's all I have and I must leave with the other knights tomorrow."
The farrier thought for a moment and said "I do have this
magnificent(?) Saint Bernard dog which has recently been
reprocessed since the owner couldn't keep up with the brandy
consumption - will that do?"
Sir Notalot paid over the money, jumped onto the dog's back and
galloped back to the King - dragging his feet in the dust as he
went, with his armour clanking along - draggity, clank, draggity,
clank.
He finally reached the King, who said "Just in time, the others
have gone that way." (Pointing to the East)
So, Sir Notalot charged out on his St Bernard, clanking and
dragging his feet (clankity drag, clankity drag). at that point
it started to rain and the water ran inside the hammered pewter
pots and down Sir Notalot's legs, soaking the St Bernard as well.
And then the rain was so heavy that the road (Just a mud track,
really) started to flood and the clankity-drag noise became more
of a sort of a clankity-sploosh noise. And then the thunder and
lighting started.
Well...eventually, Sir Notalot reached the inn where the other
knights had stopped for a rest. He rode up to the door and said
to the inn-keeper, "Hail, inn-keeper" (since it was hailing by
now) "have you a room?"
The inn-keeper said "No chance - I am full with these round-
tablers."
In despair, Sir Notalot said "But surely you have somewhere I
can shelter from the storm?" and pointing to his St Bernard he
said "Surely you wouldn't ... send a knight out on a dog like
this?"
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
My wife and I went to the live stock auction at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Both hilarious. :rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Sorry if this does offend but it really wasn't/isn't my intention.

Ode to the EU referendum.


‘Won’t you join our Common Market?’ said the spider to the fly,
‘It really is a winner and the cost is not too high’
‘I know De Gaulle said “Non’’, but he hadn’t got a clue,
‘We want you in, my friends, for we have plans for you.
‘You’ll have to pay a little more than we do, just for now,
‘As Herr Kohl said, and I agree, we need a new milch cow,
‘It’s just a continental term, believe me , mon ami,
‘Like ‘’Vive la France’’ or ‘’Mad Anglais’’ or even ‘’E.E.C.’’

‘As to the rules, don’t worry friend, there’s really but a few,
‘You'll find that we ignore them - but they all apply to you.
‘Give and share between us, that’s what it’s all about,
‘You do all the giving, and we all share it out.
‘It’s very British, is it not, to help a friend in need?
‘You’ve done it twice in two World Wars, a fact we must concede,
‘So climb aboard the Market Train, don’t sit there on the side,
‘Your continental cousins want to take you for a ride.’
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