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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,079 Views)
RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
"Knock knock.*"

"Who's there?"

"Europe."

"Europe who?"


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Sorry if this does offend, but it's damn well intended. (I mean why do let the French talk down to everybody like that & put all that frogy glop on your food? It's even on them paper thin pancake thingies :barf )

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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A man after my own heart RJ. Mind you we do like their salad dressings.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
An insight to what we had to have/do when I was young, an eye opener for our younger friends.

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously .. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'home,'' I explained! 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table,

And if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how

I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood

if I'd figured his system could have handled it:



Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school... I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.


It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10 PM,

after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air

at about 6 am. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on,

featuring local people...

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --

My brother delivered a newspaper, seven days a week.

He had to get up at 6 every morning.

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films.

There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced

for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or almost anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share

some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.

Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Oh, and don't forget mortgage interest rates of 17.5% when we bought our first house.

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died recently) and he brought me an old lemonade bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?
Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.
(There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!

I must be 'positively ancient' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A man went fishing in the river. After a while he had a bite, and reeled in a large salmon.
"This will be my dinner tonight" said the man. Suddenly he heard a voice "Please don't eat me". The man shocked, said "Who said that?" The voice replied "Me, I said it. The fish you are holding".
Totally stunned, the man asked "You can talk?". The Salmon replied, "yes, and I am a very rare breed, the last of my kind. If you kill me there will be no talking salmon left".
"Do you have a name?" asked the fisherman.
"Yes, I am Rusty" said the fish.
"Well" said the man "what will you do if I let you go?"
"The fish said "I plan to write books about shipwrecks. If you let me go I will give you a signed copy of the first book".
"Deal" said the man, then placed Rusty back in the water.
A few years later the man was at the riverbank fishing, and he had a bite. Reeled in the line and he saw a big salmon hanging there.
"Hello again" said the fish, "Good to see you again".
Surprised, the man said "Rusty! How are you? What are you doing here?"
"Well" said the fish "I have finished the first book. It's a book of poems about the shipwreck Titanic. I will give you a signed copy as promised"
"Thank you " said the fisherman. "What's it called?"
The fish replied "Titanic Verses by Salmon Rusty".
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Tch................... :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Doh! I feel put upun! :wicked
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
While kpnuts purchase is commendable, generally, buying the Missus a treadmill ends poorly. My main man , Tim Hawkins here, explains:


Things You Don't Say To Your Wife

Edited by RJ Tucker, Aug 9 2017, 12:00 PM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Love it, now how do I tell mine that there is a 1/48th MiG-29 on finals to me, suggestions please.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A great offer, if anyone can take it up, Let me know.

This may be of interest to some of you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for the final Test in Auckland on 8th September. He paid £1000 each, [Inc. food& beverage] but he didn't realise when he bought these tickets many months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at the All Saints Church, Liverpool at 2.30pm Sat July 8th .The
bride's name is Nicole, She's 5'8", about 9 stone (57 Kg), quite pretty,
has her own income and is a really good cook.
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
Olde Farte
Aug 10 2017, 11:16 AM
A great offer, if anyone can take it up, Let me know.

This may be of interest to some of you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for the final Test in Auckland on 8th September. He paid £1000 each, [Inc. food& beverage] but he didn't realise when he bought these tickets many months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at the All Saints Church, Liverpool at 2.30pm Sat July 8th .The
bride's name is Nicole, She's 5'8", about 9 stone (57 Kg), quite pretty,
has her own income and is a really good cook.
Same day?
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
Olde Farte
Aug 9 2017, 08:20 AM
Love it, now how do I tell mine that there is a 1/48th MiG-29 on finals to me, suggestions please.
i thought you wernt buying any more kits :whistle :whistle :wicked
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