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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,077 Views)
tc2324
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
tc2324
Aug 22 2017, 07:44 AM
I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated.
Doh!...... :dead
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
With sincere apologies to our American friends.

Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.

"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned. "But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”. She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here." The Prime Minister walked into the room.

“You called for me, Your Majesty?"

"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me."

"Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him. Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office.

“Mike, answer this for me,’ said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”

"I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.

Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.

The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.

“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me.

“Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”

“Thanks, said Pence,” It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, “Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!"

.. AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE. 😂😂
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
:rolf
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mac1677
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Lt Mac 'Shocker' McSheffrey
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Donald Trump was having afternoon tea with Queen Elizabeth in Buckingham Palace, outlining his plans for the future of the USA.

"As I'm the President" said Trump, "I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom", to which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Donald thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Trump".

Trump thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little p****d off by now replied "Sorry again, Mr Trump, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Donald could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Took a minute but... :whistle :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind?”

The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better

Pence: The fewer

Trump: I told you not to call me that yet
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Posted ImageReally guys?!


Look, I've heard these since 4th grade. Everyone of them: Nixon, Ford, Callaghan, Reagan, Thatcher, that totally forgettable French guy, Clinton, Dubya, Blair, Kohl... the beat goes on.* Trump is a whole new phenomenon AND luv'm or hate'm deserves some new and cleaver ridicule. I have confidence in you guys! Time to up your game & make us laugh. GO BIG OR GO HOME!
Posted Image

* How old you got'sta be to get that reference?! Posted Image
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
You must have a few original ones RJ so lets see/hear them. :clap: :wicked We won't be offended if they are about our politicians. :whistle :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Olde Farte
Aug 25 2017, 02:57 PM
You must have a few original ones RJ so lets see/hear them. :clap: :wicked We won't be offended if they are about our politicians. :whistle :rolf
Nope! I work (well... that's a stretch. I show up sometimes) for the gummermint. I'm here to tell you how to do it. We'll start by checking everyone's joke permit & humor certifications. You guys decide who wants to first while I put on some rubber gloves. :blink:
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