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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,174 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A scottish woman went to the local newspaper office to publish the obituary for her recently deceased husband.

The obits editor informed her that there is a charge of 50p per word.

She paused, reflected and then said, "Aye, well then, let it read, 'Angus MacPherson died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor told her that there is a six word minimum for all obituaries.

She thought it over for a while and that said, "Ach, in that case, let it read...'Angus MacPherson died. Bagpipes for sale'."
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
WOMEN!!!
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home , he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -- how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's ai good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "V'Allah Habibi, from back there I thought you said "Goat
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Mark M
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Hawk T1
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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stevescan
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Airbrush master
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."


The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Edited by Olde Farte, Aug 5 2014, 07:57 AM.
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
:rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Tees.................

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a
petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him
in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro
is.

"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"? inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.


"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!!!!"
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DevilFish
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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Cimmerian
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Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
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