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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,073 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compass ion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ..... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf Brilliant, Del.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
When you are 70+ you rule!

When you are 70+…………..
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, you're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?” She said, "Yeah, I got a pen”.
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”
Cost me 6 stitches…but,
When you’re seventy+……………who cares!

I went to the chemist and told the saleslady "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
She asked "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'.....”
When you’re seventy+……………who cares!

I was talking to a young woman at the pub last night She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your haircut, you'd look all right.”
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but… When you’re seventy+……………who cares!

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, "Yesterday.”
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...When you’re seventy+……………who cares!

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so bloody loud, I nearly fell in! but...When you’re seventy+……………who cares!

I went to our club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs.” The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...When you’re seventy+……………who cares!

"Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and remember we do not quit playing because we grow old.... we grow old because we quit playing!
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take
turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's
peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you
end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the
cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were
pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit
me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship,
pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the
fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!", remarked the seaman.
"And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook.."
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
IF ANYBODY FINDS THIS OFFENSIVE MY APOLOGIES AS IT ISN'T INTENDED TO OFFEND.

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBTI bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they "identify" with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors !

Their Motto Will Be ...........??? "If You gotta pee - We gotta see!"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
An Australian Poetry Competition held in the Sydney Opera House had come down to two finalists:

A) A university v short four line poem that contained the word.


The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu

The crowd went crazy. No way could the old Aborigine top that, they thought.

Then the old Aborigine calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we were two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .



THE ABORIGINE WON.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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:blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Paul it could fall over as all the heavy bombers are on the top :whistle and RJ, what can one say. :rolf :rolf
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RJ Tucker
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Olde Farte
Sep 24 2017, 08:25 AM
(SNIP).....and RJ, what can one say. :rolf :rolf
Ah....... "dog gone" :blink:
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Edited by beowulf, Sep 24 2017, 10:15 AM.
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
RJ Tucker
Sep 24 2017, 10:01 AM
Olde Farte
Sep 24 2017, 08:25 AM
(SNIP).....and RJ, what can one say. :rolf :rolf
Ah....... "dog gone" :blink:
:bang: :bang: :rolf :rolf :rolf :rolf
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