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Joke Thread
Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,070 Views)
Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A sign in a Shoe Repair Store in Vancouver:
We will heel you! We will save your sole! We will even dye for you."

At an Optometrist's Office in Calgary:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck in Saint John, New Brunswick:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck in Winnipeg:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber!"

On an Electrician's truck in Saskatoon:
"Let us remove your shorts!"

In a Non-smoking Area at the North Bay airport:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."

At a Car Dealership in Lethbridge:
"The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop in Montreal:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room in Truro, Nova Scotia:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company in Edmonton:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window in Hamilton:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. C ome on in and get fed up."

At a Propane Filling Station in Brandon, Manitoba:
"Thank Heaven for little grills."

In a Quebec City Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

On the back of a Septic Tank Truck in Ottawa:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises!"
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Tennis trophy now with "FUNG-FU" grip!

:blink:
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street
in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him,
the other one the Star of David. Many people go
by and look at both beggars, but only put money
into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of
people giving money to the beggar behind the
cross, but none to the beggar behind the
Star of David.
Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind
the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't
you understand? This is a Catholic country. People
aren't going to give you money if you sit there
with a Star of David in front of you, especially
when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross.
In fact, they would probably give to him just out
of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David turns to the
beggar with the cross and says, "Moishe, look who's
here to teach the Levine Brothers about Marketing!"
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Grayhawk
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Doug Summers
These same two brothers run an electronics store that has been "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" for the last twenty years!
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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True.... true...

:cool:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.

If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
.
.
.
.
.

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings.
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RJ Tucker
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
Olde Farte
Nov 1 2017, 09:57 AM
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.

If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
.
.
.
.
.

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings.
DON'T DO IT! You'll pay & pay for the rest of your life! :blink:
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
A Blonde Changes Her Hair Colour


There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes.


One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.

She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"

"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".



"Wow!" said the herder.

"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?" queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Union Station in Toronto leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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Disorder
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
:rolf :rolf :rolf
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Breaking news.

An RAF Typhoon pilot, has been arrested and is being questioned following a suspected friendly fire incident in Afghanistan ..
Following vectors onto two unidentified primary radar contacts, the RAF pilot spotted two flying carpets, somewhere near Lashkhar Gah & decided to engaged them.
Both carpets were shot down & destroyed .. but initial crash investigations have revealed them to be Allied Carpets ..
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
Doh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
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beowulf
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
Posted Image
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Olde Farte
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
:rolf :rolf
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