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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,069 Views) | |
| Olde Farte | Nov 9 2017, 11:44 AM Post #1726 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A precious little girl walks into a Pet Shop store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like dat cute widdle bwown wabbit over der?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit." *Keep smiling!!* |
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| Disorder | Nov 9 2017, 12:39 PM Post #1727 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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| beowulf | Nov 10 2017, 07:03 PM Post #1728 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Wife: You only ever want sex when you're drunk !!! Me: Not true. Sometimes i want a kebab !!! |
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| Olde Farte | Nov 11 2017, 12:34 PM Post #1729 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think. The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So, they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "Well, I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!" |
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| RJ Tucker | Nov 11 2017, 01:26 PM Post #1730 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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| RJ Tucker | Nov 11 2017, 01:39 PM Post #1731 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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![]() One of the more popular dishes at the Regimental Reunion: pressed shank braised with smoker's phlegm. |
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| Olde Farte | Nov 11 2017, 02:02 PM Post #1732 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Oh that is gross RJ. |
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| beowulf | Nov 11 2017, 02:47 PM Post #1733 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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made me think of this.............
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| Olde Farte | Nov 12 2017, 09:35 AM Post #1734 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Blimey Paul that is even grosser.
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| Olde Farte | Nov 13 2017, 09:33 AM Post #1735 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Dave Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier, the membership secretary sees him. "Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership, if you would like to come to my office we can settle your account”. "I have settled my bar bill." says Mr Davis. "Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need settlement.” In Mr Barniers office - Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club? "Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets”. "Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet". "As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount”. "That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"! "But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis. "Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. There is also your bar bill". "But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis. "Yes" says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders from the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked". "You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year. You therefore owe us £2600 for the year". "Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis. "No of course not Mr Davis". "You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier. "Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers". "Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year". "I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr Davis. "No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!” "Then of course" Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof". "Clubhouse roof" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?" "Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week", your share of the bill is £2000”. "I see" says Mr Davis, "anything else?". "Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension". "We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month". "He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it”. "This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier. "Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a dodgy roof I won't be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!” "Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier. "P**s off!" says Mr Davis Now we understand what Brexit is all about!!!!! |
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| Olde Farte | Nov 13 2017, 09:36 AM Post #1736 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3’. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want’. The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, ‘How do I stop the medicine from working?’ ‘Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4’, he responded, ‘but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon’. He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, ‘1-2-3’. Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, ‘What was the 1-2-3 for?’ And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. |
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| Olde Farte | Nov 17 2017, 09:31 AM Post #1737 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society". After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch" IF THIS OFFENDS ANYBODY I APOLOGISE AS IT ISN'T MY INTENTION, I JUST FIND IT FUNNY. Edited by Olde Farte, Nov 17 2017, 09:33 AM.
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| Disorder | Nov 17 2017, 10:03 AM Post #1738 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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| Olde Farte | Nov 17 2017, 10:25 AM Post #1739 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump. Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse" 'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!" _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Ole and his wife, Lena, moved back home to Minnesota from Arizona . Lena had a wooden leg, and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 per year!!! When they arrived in Minnesota , they went to Sven, their Insurance Agent, to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. Sven looked it up on his computer and told the couple, "$39.00." Ole was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Minnesota to insure it, because it had cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona !! Sven turned his computer screen toward the couple and said, "Vell, here it is, direct from the Minnesota Fire Insurance Company, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00." I always did find the Minnesota logic far superior to most others!!! Edited by Olde Farte, Nov 17 2017, 10:28 AM.
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| Olde Farte | Nov 17 2017, 10:46 AM Post #1740 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR. This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, Fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the "fires". NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest. ONLY IN AMERICA . . . NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINK THEY ARE NUTS |
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2:39 PM Jul 11