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| Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,068 Views) | |
| RJ Tucker | Nov 28 2017, 01:20 PM Post #1741 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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Bob was on a plane flying to Chicago and the guy in the seat beside him was an emotional wreck....pale, hands shaking in fear. "What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked. "No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA." Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble." The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living? "I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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| Olde Farte | Nov 28 2017, 01:42 PM Post #1742 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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this would make an interesting Whiff.
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| beowulf | Nov 28 2017, 06:24 PM Post #1743 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. Whilst swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it is much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark,"was the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..." "...I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian". |
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| RJ Tucker | Nov 29 2017, 12:55 AM Post #1744 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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![]() Got'cha covered! |
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| Olde Farte | Nov 29 2017, 09:03 AM Post #1745 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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Prawn again Christian, Hmmm, Didn't realise that Bud had tail gunners so when you going to build one RJ, nice bit of photo-shopping by the way. |
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| RJ Tucker | Nov 29 2017, 01:13 PM Post #1746 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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I'm not. The WHIF was your idea; I'm, strictly, an airplane guy.
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| RJ Tucker | Nov 29 2017, 01:15 PM Post #1747 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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He did that just for the halibut.
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| Olde Farte | Nov 29 2017, 01:28 PM Post #1748 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A Week in America MONDAY The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, “Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!” TUESDAY A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the minister's hand. He said, “Minister, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!” The minister said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.” The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!” The minister said, “No poo?” WEDNESDAY Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mum,” he exclaimed, “for me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.” THURSDAY One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence. “Your Honour,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.” FRIDAY A Doctor was addressing a large audience “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water however, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said, “Wedding Cake.” SATURDAY Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman that knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?” Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.” SUNDAY Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These,” she explained, “Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!” |
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| beowulf | Nov 29 2017, 08:10 PM Post #1749 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!: The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!" |
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| beowulf | Nov 29 2017, 08:16 PM Post #1750 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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Taking inspiration from "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here" I ate a cow's nipple, a pig's eyeball and a sheep's penis last night. Or a Lidl sausage roll as it's better known. |
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| RJ Tucker | Nov 30 2017, 01:06 AM Post #1751 |
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Patrolling the MMM frontier
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She: "The Christmas cookies have food coloring in them." Me: "I know; I dyed a little on the inside."
Edited by RJ Tucker, Nov 30 2017, 01:06 AM.
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| tc2324 | Nov 30 2017, 10:05 AM Post #1752 |
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LCDR Tony `Banana's` Clay
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| Disorder | Nov 30 2017, 10:13 AM Post #1753 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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| Olde Farte | Nov 30 2017, 10:50 AM Post #1754 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| Olde Farte | Dec 1 2017, 09:14 AM Post #1755 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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RETARDED GRANDPARENTS. After Christmas vacation, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Stayyoung Bay in Hervey Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too where they all jump up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Nobody there cooks; they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren |
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2:39 PM Jul 11