CLICK HERE to see posts in last 24 hours
| Welcome to Mainly Military modelling. We hope you enjoy your visit. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| Joke Thread | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,066 Views) | |
| Olde Farte | Dec 13 2017, 08:52 AM Post #1771 |
|
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
|
|
![]() |
|
| beowulf | Dec 16 2017, 10:24 AM Post #1772 |
|
Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
|
Twas the night before Brexit, in Parliament House, Only Corbyn was working, the big girl’s blouse; Stockings were adjusted on a Minister with care, His dream of naughty ecstasy soon to be there; The opposition were nestled all snug in their beds; While visions of leadership elections danced in their heads; The Prime Minister in her nighty, David Davis in her lap, Had just settled her nerves for a well needed nap, When out on the square there arose such a clatter, Theresa sprang to her feet to see what was the matter. Away to the window she flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. A blue and gold flag fluttered over new-fallen snow, And President Juncker stepped from a helicopter below, When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But Nigel Farage carrying a warm pint of beer, With a fag in his hand and a girl on his arm, He screamed at the European, shouting his alarm. More rapid than eagles his insults they came, And he bantered, and ranted, and called him bad names: "You blaggard, you bounder, you’re Great Britain’s blight, We can’t wait to get out, you great sack of shite! To the Kent Port of Dover! To the top of cliffs tall! Now Bugger off! Bugger off! Before we build a Great Wall! As the Prime Minister watched, thinking Juncker would fly, So Boris Johnson came over with a glint in his eye; Walking to the President, incoherent sentences flew, Speaking an Etonian language literally no one else knew. And then with their placards, soppy students did appear, With no knowledge or reasoning they screamed Brexit fear. May drew in her head, and was turning around, When into the room Juncker came with a bound. He was dressed all in gold, from his head to his foot, And his pockets were overflowing with cash and such loot; A list of demands he produced from his pack, With nothing offered in kind, the huge sack of crap. His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry! But he had the air of a rapist and Theresa found him quite scary! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, As he demanded 40 billion quid, but for what she didn’t know; David Davis then joined them, gritting his teeth, Wondering what lies he would have to take, before getting some relief; He demanded some nice news that Juncker may tell he, That he may then have something good to say on telly. But Juncker shook his head, very pleased with himself, Saying nothing was on offer from the Continental Shelf; The glint in his eye and the shake of his head Made May and Davis realise with dread; That whatever they offered, nothing would work, Putting it mildly, Juncker was a jerk. They told him to ram it - we would use World Trade rules, They wouldn’t sell out the country, including the Crown Jewels; He sprang to his feet and to Europeans gave a whistle, But they were all home drinking Chrimbo Vodka made of thistles. Soon all heard him wailing, as he flew out of sight— “Without free British cash, Europe is in the shite.” |
![]() |
|
| Mark M | Dec 16 2017, 10:43 AM Post #1773 |
|
Hawk T1
|
thats the best thing ive heard this christmas |
![]() |
|
| Olde Farte | Dec 16 2017, 02:39 PM Post #1774 |
|
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
|
Bloody marvellous. Missed out a few words though. 'Walk away, walk away GB' and while doing so tell the Dictators in Brussels and Strasbourg to get stuffed. Europe is fine and the people are lovely it's just Jean-Claude Juncker and co spending our money with NO receipts given. Yeah I know it doesn't rhyme but who gives a flying ( insert own word/words here) My apologies to those among us who have their own feelings and beliefs Edited by Olde Farte, Dec 16 2017, 02:41 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| Olde Farte | Dec 19 2017, 08:56 AM Post #1775 |
|
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
|
Just a bit of little known history to start off the Christmas Season!............ When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor....In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'......................... And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this. |
![]() |
|
| Cimmerian | Dec 19 2017, 01:26 PM Post #1776 |
|
Lt. Ken 'Albatros' Jeffrey
|
|
![]() |
|
| Olde Farte | Dec 20 2017, 09:26 AM Post #1777 |
|
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
|
The farmer’s dilemma; Bill goes to town for necessities. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. |
![]() |
|
| Disorder | Dec 20 2017, 05:25 PM Post #1778 |
|
Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
|
|
![]() |
|
| Disorder | Dec 21 2017, 05:59 PM Post #1779 |
|
Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
|
Lost in Home Depot Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." "The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra." "What does your wife look like?" asks the young man. The old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours." Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where the f*** I am now.. |
![]() |
|
| Olde Farte | Dec 22 2017, 09:36 AM Post #1780 |
|
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
|
|
![]() |
|
| TomTheCat | Dec 22 2017, 04:17 PM Post #1781 |
|
airbrush beginner
|
"What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?" |
![]() |
|
| beowulf | Dec 28 2017, 10:37 AM Post #1782 |
|
Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
|
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a complete failure because: In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent. |
![]() |
|
| Disorder | Dec 28 2017, 11:01 AM Post #1783 |
|
Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
|
|
![]() |
|
| Olde Farte | Dec 28 2017, 11:32 AM Post #1784 |
|
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
|
|
![]() |
|
| Olde Farte | Dec 28 2017, 01:43 PM Post #1785 |
|
Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
|
Anyone brave enough to let their wife/partner see this? Men's Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down so finally, the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear 'the rules' from the female side Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it that's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hunting, fishing, golfing, or something with wheels. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh. |
![]() |
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
| Go to Next Page | |
| « Previous Topic · General Chat · Next Topic » |







2:39 PM Jul 11