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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 14 2014, 04:24 PM (29,173 Views) | |
| stevescan | Aug 16 2014, 03:41 AM Post #166 |
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Airbrush master
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| DevilFish | Aug 18 2014, 02:01 PM Post #167 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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Q: In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys? A: With a crowbar. What Not to Say to a Policeman -- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. -- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving. -- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! -- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. -- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? -- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband. -- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over? -- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me. -- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude. -- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal. -- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum? -- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed! What We Learn From the Movies -- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting. -- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. -- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. -- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. -- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking. -- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. -- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection. |
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| Mark M | Aug 18 2014, 02:56 PM Post #168 |
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Hawk T1
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| Olde Farte | Aug 18 2014, 03:02 PM Post #169 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| Olde Farte | Aug 19 2014, 10:29 AM Post #170 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said. "Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish." "Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England wins the World Cup." "You crafty bastard!" said the fairy. |
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| Olde Farte | Aug 20 2014, 11:33 AM Post #171 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A well known nutrition doctor addressed a large audience in Oxford England............... (.......or why opening the floor for questions can be disastrous). "The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?" |
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| DevilFish | Aug 20 2014, 03:04 PM Post #172 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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As a man who is getting married (again) soon.....
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| beowulf | Aug 20 2014, 03:12 PM Post #173 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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The Inland Revenue decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to the Inland Revenue office. The Inland Revenue auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his accountant. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.' "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet..' Grandad removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandad says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my othereye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or quits?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandad's accountant moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the accountant. 'This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Don't Mess with Old People! |
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| beowulf | Aug 20 2014, 03:14 PM Post #174 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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well, you know the fishheads real motto....................'rum, bum and baccy'
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| Olde Farte | Aug 25 2014, 10:37 AM Post #175 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven. Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!" The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" And Allah replied, "Who said they were women? |
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| Disorder | Aug 25 2014, 11:02 AM Post #176 |
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Lt Paddy 'Chancer' Boyle
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| beowulf | Aug 25 2014, 12:01 PM Post #177 |
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Lt. Paul 'Red Dog' Rose
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I witnessed absolutely disgusting behaviour on the sea front at Brighton today. I saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument infront of a load of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy on the head and it all kicked off!!! There was a massive brawl and someone must have phoned the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man. The guy managed to get the baton off the copper and began to assault the copper and his wife!!! Then, out of nowhere, a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages
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| Olde Farte | Aug 25 2014, 12:21 PM Post #178 |
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Lt. Derek 'Smurfy' Reeve
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| stevescan | Aug 26 2014, 01:25 AM Post #179 |
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Airbrush master
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| DevilFish | Aug 26 2014, 06:11 AM Post #180 |
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LCDR Paul "Voodoo" Carter
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Took me a second, but....
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2:40 PM Jul 11